Hi All, 

Posting after long time. The days are passing by and life is back to normal but whenever I sit alone, I miss my mom. I miss the moments I spent with her and regret the moments which I may have spent with her. 

Have a nice day to all. 

Hi All, 

Hows everybody doing? Theressa, Brett, Adams, Virginia?

Hi, Avi. Happy Easter to all. It's status quo for me.

Thanks for thinking of me Avi — hope you’re doing well and enjoying your little girl.  This is the first Easter without my mother. Losing her has really changed things, it seems that she and I (and my husband) were the ones who cared about celebrating such occasions, the others not so much.  In the end I decided not to travel to my father’s home, since it is not that meaningful to the family there and it is hard on me ... and expensive flying to a different country, of course.  So I stayed home and had a quiet day, remembering Easter through the years with my mother and with my husband — it was good for me to think about them.  I put out my husband’s wooden Easter eggs and some other things that I associate with the day.  My mother gave me two vases which apparently were meant for just one flowering branch, so they are on the table as well.

Sue, I am so sorry. I know. Believe me, we know. And I wish that I could say something more.

Something horrible happened to me today. The worst possible thing that could have happened, beyond losing my dog. I'm not sick or anything, but my world came crashing down. I would say more, but I can't talk about it.

I'm asking for prayers.

Guys my little girl has moved on with me now after spending 8 months at her maternal grand mother's place. Now me, my wife and my father lives together. My father who was alone after my mother's death has a new hope and motivation to live now as his grand daughter keeps him busy all day. 

I also have a meaning to life because when her tiny hands touches me I feel on heaven. I was extremely demotivated because of guilt but now I have a reason to live. 

Sue, as you lost your mother recently I wish comfort for you. 

Avi, it's amazing how the Lord took care of both you and your dad. As happy as I am for you, I think I may be even more happy for your dad. This gives him a reason to get up in the morning, and gives him someone to focus that lost love on.

You personally are experiencing the true joy of the circle of life. You will always miss your mom, but remember what I always say... find something to focus on. Find the one thing that gives you purpose and a reason to go on. You have found it in a wonderful place. Your little girl is a part of your mom (literally). People live on through their children and grandchildren.

God Bless You. 

Sue, if we can ever answer any questions that you may have about what you are experiencing, please let us know. Everyone's story is different, but the feeling of loss that we all have is familiar. This is a group of people who understand.

The triggers are one of the hardest thing. Just hearing a song, driving down a familiar street, a smell, a television show, can all bring back a painful memory. Even if they invoke a nice memory, it still hurts because of lost time, not being able to have something that had always been there.

The goal and hope is  that one day those triggers will not hurt so much, that they will even make us smile. But it's hard to get from point A to point B. All we can do is try and to realize that there are things in life that we cannot control.

Just came across this quotation from the wonderful British actress Miriam Margolyes.  Very devoted to both her parents, she took time away from her career to nurse her mother through illness, and later had this to say:

” [on her mother] She took centre-stage in our lives. She was the star. And when I hear pieces of music that my mother liked, I weep. I think it's true that the people you've loved in your life never leave you, because seeds of that love always remain flowering somewhere.”

Thanks for sharing this M Adams. I also weep remembering small small things about my mother. 

My mother was the heart of our family — hard to go on without her, but I appreciate the image of love continuing to flower.  At her memorial packages of seeds were given out — she loved to garden and grew beautiful roses, lilies, tomatoes, everything.  A while back I put them in a pot on the windowsill, watered them and set the pot inside a plastic bag.  This morning checked for the first time and saw some little green shoots coming up.  In a way I’m dreading Mother’s Day but this made me feel a bit closer to her.

Mother's Day is my mom's birthday. There is good and bad about being further removed from my mom's death. I remember when she died, in the days and weeks that followed I would think to myself, "In 20 years maybe I will have adjusted to this." It's going on three and a half years and the trauma of her death has abated, but one thing I regret is that my mom is not as fresh in my memory as she was. I think about her every day, but I can't hear her voice or picture her face as easily. The memories are still there but I feel further removed from them. Immediately after our moms die it is hard to accept the reality that they are gone. You just saw her. You just talked to her. It's hard to imagine saying, "Mom" and not having her answer. The second phase of grieving for your mom is when you finally know that she is gone and she is not coming back. That's a cold reality. Now it's about holding on to what I knew. M, those little green shoots you saw are important. You are keeping her memory alive.

Sue, we are in a similar situation — this is the first Mother’s Day without my mother for me as well.  My husband’s birthday often fell on Mother’s Day, which he liked, as he loved celebrations but didn’t like them to be very focused on him.  My mother had the same quirk, so it worked out well to have shared parties or a weekend of celebration.  Very different now, but I am trying to be grateful as well as sad.

The packet of seeds that I mentioned earlier has some writing on the back that seems relevant — will try to put a photo of it here.

This Mother’s Day I keep thinking about my mother’s gift of joy ...she had a very unusual ability to appreciate things, even the simplest things, and people, and events large or small, and thereby to create joy for those around her.

Despite the sadness of loss, hope you all are able to revisit some beautiful memories today.

Whoever came up with dnr. Must have been a sadistic person.  I lost my mom over three ago.  Now I'm hearing ads of cures and treatments and now have the guilt.  I keep hear the words of the doctor that I was tying his hands and I was killing her and I would be condemn. To hell.  I cry every night and I know now the doctor was right I did kill her

Betsy, this is a tough post to answer or respond to, because I know that you have already put yourself on trial and found yourself guilty. You are not going to be consoled now. You want people to tell you that it wasn't your fault, but you will argue with anyone who does. I'm in tremendous pain myself and I do not have the energy to fight with you.

I will tell you that there is nothing in the world sadistic about a DNR. More times than not it is merciful. When a person is that sick, what they need is more important than what we need. I needed for my mom to live. Her body would not allow that. Mom had a DNR. I miss her every day. It's horrible. I sure know that I didn't kill her though. If I hadn't given her water and food, or if I had laughed when she called out to me, that would have been killing her. Did you do that? I sincerely doubt it. 

Hi Betty, 

I wish for your comfort as guilt is a tough emotion. I am sailing in the same ship as you. 

This is Avi from India. 

Hi All, 

It is now 15 May in India, my mother's first death anniversary. The pain has decreased, life has moved on but the guilt has grown. 

I wish her rest in peace and all comfort in heaven. 

Avi, these anniversaries are so hard and confusing.  My husband’s birthday was this Saturday, and Mother’s Day, the first since my dear mother died, was on the next day, Sunday.  A hard weekend to get through.  I want to honour these days with some gesture or ritual.  I planted the seeds from my mother’s memorial earlier in May and by Mother’s Day some have germinated. That was good to see, but I miss her so much and somehow keep imagining that i will hear from her, that she will call.  I suppose that feeling will gradually change and soften as months and years pass.  

Avi, I felt something very similar. After a year the pain and shock of mom's death had eased somewhat, but the guilt increased. I learned that grief is a process that has many different facets.

I am really amazed by the folks who seem to transition a lot more easily than I did. I really believe that so much of that has to do with their support system. I would imagine that having a loving wife and children would help. My mom was the center of my world. 

Hi All, 

I hope you all are doing good and journey of grief is easing out. My life got busy in work, family specially my daughter. Yesterday one incidences made me remember my mother and I felt like crying but was required to control my emotions. Then I cried when I was alone and felt better. Never realized that tears can help. 

Tears can be a great comfort. They can be such a wonderful expression of love. And it may all be in my head, but I feel that God, and even my mom are closest to me when I cry for her. Sometimes a good cry is the best release. 

Theresa and I lost our moms the same week. I'm glad that someone else understands how I feel, and it's nice to know that we are not alone, but to Sel's point, in a lot of ways I could feel alone in a room full of loving people. No one can replace our moms. 

I also feel alone in a room full of people, even in parties and celebrations. My inner conscious does not allow me to enjoy.

After my mom died I came to a sad reality. It didn't really matter who reached out to me. I mean, it certainly helped to have a shoulder to lean on, but the only person I really wanted to talk to was my mom. I can't have that. We can't have that.

Avi, what you are talking about is two fold. One: It's hard to have a good time because we remember what we have lost, and it can hit you right in the middle of a good belly laugh. Grief has a very long reach. Two: And this is most unfortunate, is the frequent guilt that accompanies grief. It's one thing for me to say to myself, "How can I be having a good time without mom?" I can live with that. It's when I start feeling guilt about all of the things I think I should have done. Hindsight is 20/20. I can't have the old days back. I hope and pray that we all can let go of the lingering, ever present grief that we have. We can learn from our mistakes, but we cannot go back and make them right. Mom's have strong shoulders. If ever I let my mom down, she loved me with all of her heart knowing full well that I was a long way from perfect. It's that unconditional love that I miss the most.

I agree Brett. It is mainly the guilt. Thanks for the nice words

Three months is not very long. It is still very fresh for you. There will be a lot of triggers. Sometimes they will hit you out of the blue. Other times you know that one is coming, like if you have to drive by a familiar place. It's important to face them head on. It sounds like you are.

It's important to have people in your life who understand, even if they are on a message board like this, because sometimes you have to look far and wide to find someone to walk with you.

Sometimes I will call my mom's sister. She will listen for a minute and then she will start talking about her grand kids latest accomplishments, or about a vacation that her kids are taking. I am not afforded grief.

Sometimes we have to take this walk alone. There are people who have a wonderful support system. God Bless them. There are others who do not. I come here from time to time because I know that the people here understand. I hope to offer a listening ear to others as well. I can't be where you are and put my arm around you, but I can sure listen, and I sure do understand.

I was with my mom when she passed and it was not sudden. I may have thought I was prepared. I wasn't. I tried to say and do all of the right things. Still, after her last breath, it was as though I hadn't prepared at all. I knew what to do. I knew who to call, but how do you go from having someone be a constant part of your life, the best part, to not having her at all? It's an odd feeling. I was just looking at her, seeing that same familiar face, but I knew she was far away from me.

It was worth it though. Mom will always be worth it.

My mum died on a trip with my dad to new york. I already hadn't seen her for 6 days. I'm only 16 and it was a sudden cardiac death

Its so hard i miss her so much and can't speak to anyone about it

abbie

my mom died the same way sudden cardiac death, I know exactly how you feel.....

Abbie, I am so sorry. This is a good place to talk because everyone here knows what it's like to lose their mom. We know how much it hurts. Every circumstance is different. I don't know what it's like to have lost my mom at 16. I can't imagine. One thing we all have in common is that we all loved our moms with all of our hearts. We still do.

If I can help you in any way, please let me know. If you have questions, need advice, or just need someone to lean on, please let me know.

God Bless You.

Yes I agree with Brett and Sue, this website is wonderful, it has helped me understand that I am not alone.

Its like you find a bond with the people on here.

Yes 16 is very young to lose your mom, I am sorry for that, we are all here for you.

Abbie, I hope that you will continue to post here. I want to help if I can. I may have been a lot older when my mom died, but I sure felt like a little boy when she did pass. I was like a lost little boy who just wanted his mom. 

I was 31 when my mom died but it hardly makes any difference. The grief and guilt remains the same. 

Yeah, you could lose your mom at 100 and it would still hurt badly. There is never a good time, and once they are gone, it's hard to take satisfaction in the fact that they lived so long because you can't hug them today. There is never enough time to be with your mom.

Still, I think I would have felt lost if I had lost my mom at 16. I feel lost now. I would also feel somewhat betrayed because other kids my age will have their moms for years to come. It's not fair. And Abbie didn't get to say goodbye to her mom. She didn't see it coming. She had no time to prepare. There were six days that her mom was alive that she missed out on. That's enough to drive you into your room and not want to come out.

Abbie, I hope that you are close with your dad, maybe even have a grandma or two. Let them love you. Hold onto them.

Dear Abbie...my heartfelt condolences and hugs. I wanted someone in real life, especially, my siblings,  to listen to my pain and emotions of watching my mother die but I did not get that kind of support. And I know I will never get that. Hope you have some kind of family support to tide over this period. Our mothers' death, if we had been extremely close to her and/or taken care of her, is a very very painful reality that we can never come to terms with. I am sure many of us here still cry everyday for our mothers like a little girl/boy regardless of our age. Take care girl!

SelV, that really hit home with me. My brothers and sister were not around through my mom's illness. After she died, I tried to reach out to them. I should have known better. All I got was insults. It was horrible, and the timing of it could not have been worse.

Good enough my siblings and their families attended my mother's funeral, Brett. To expect them to be at our beck and call and lend emotional support to us who were our mothers' caregiver before, during and after our mothers' death...oh well...they were/are probably busy with their own lives and families. We hit rock bottom.

Maybe it took our siblings a day, a week or even a month/few months to grief mother's death and then they moved on. I am assuming that. We, as caregivers, saw our mothers in good health, then decline in health resulting in our anticipatory grief and finally watching them succumbing to illness or sudden death. Still thinking, missing, pining and yearning for our mothers after more than a year...she was our family, our lives revolved around her and vice versa for a long time. 

Having had my mother in my life for more than half a century, I am not sure how to continue this life without her presence. Nothing seems meaningful to me. She was my life and something in me died when I saw her taking the last breath...still very clearly etched in mind.

Brett, I am healthy, have work life balance and financially stable...and appreciate my singlehood.  But LIFE really s**** without my mother...hate this life design!

Rambling on...crazy me!!

Good day everyone!!!

I do not know how to live this life without my mother either, but if there is one thing that I have learned, it's that I have no choice. Life comes for you regardless of whether or not we want to be a part of it.

Yes we have no choice but to live without our mothers. Grief and guilt will be there through out and some days will be really hard than others. Yesterday was pathetic for me as my father said something that really hit me. I hope to see my mother some day. 
How is Virginia?

I rarely dream about my mom. When I do dream about her it is almost always bad. I had a horrible dream last night. It was very short. I was standing near the front door of my mom's house. I looked down to greet my dog. There was a little puppy with her. Although I had never seen that dog before, in my dream I somehow knew her. I knew that it was a dog that had died years ago. I said, "You're not supposed to be here" and then I opened the front door to shoo her out. The dog left. I was closing the door when I felt a pull on the handle on the other side of the door. When the door opened I was face to face with my mom. Her face was expressionless. She said, "I'm home." She walked past me and into her bedroom. I was thinking "Mom's dead." I paused for a minute and then followed her into her room. She wasn't there. And her room looked like no one had been in there in 20 years. It was dusty and their was debris on the floor.

I don't know what all of that means. I just know it was horrible. I didn't go back to sleep.

I sure wish I could have a good dream about her. I think the scars are still too fresh, even three and a half years later. I don't know if they will ever heal.

There's so much literature on the interpretation of dreams on the internet. Not sure how accurate they are. I dreamt of my mother in the aftermath of her death last year...just some fleeting images of her.

But this April and May, I had altogether four dreams in which she was very much alive and healthy. My sister, my mum and I were in all the four dreams. My second brother was in one of the dreams together with us and my third brother was in another with us. 

I like it that I dream about my mother. Very much active and happy in my dreams. How I wish I do not wake up from my sleep/dreams to face the painful reality of being an adult orphan.

More so as a motherless daughter!

All I want is my mother...right now and right here!!

Wishful thinking!!!

Something I have noticed is that the content of a dream may not be a big deal, but what you are feeling in the dream is where the power comes from. The dream I had was horrible. It was so short, but I had a sick feeling in my stomach throughout. This is why I say that you can't hide from grief. It has to be dealt with. I certainly have not run from my grief, but it still taps me on the shoulder when I try to get a break from it, like when I try to sleep. It's still there. Hopefully, one day it will dissipate. 

Sue, what you are describing is traumatic. That will always be with you. But I hope that knowing your mom is not suffering anymore brings you peace.