Hi All, 

Just returned from a small trip in India only. Whenever I celebrate, I feel guilty. 

Avi, so good to hear that you can feel celebratory.  Engaging in life is important, it is something every parent wants for their child.  At the same time, I think in bereavement it’s hard to handle celebratory occasions because our emotions are so volatile and exacerbated.  There may be moments of beauty, then a crash into feelings of pointlessness, absurdity, resentment, whatever. That’s why I didn’t want to be bothered with my birthday this year, so close to my mother’s death, I just felt I couldn’t maintain composure and still get any joy from the experience.  And I’m tired of people tolerating my tears and sorrow, especially family members who just don’t share my feelings of loss.  In the end I was forced to do it and it was okay, but not joyful for me.  Ideally I think it’s better when you can decide what kind of events and celebrations are right for you, have some control ... but that’s not always workable.  Hope your little girl is brightening your days in this new year.

Avi, I agree with M. I'm not one to give advice because I have not conquered those guilty feelings either. I have a feeling, and that is all I can go by, that one day we will grow tired of beating ourselves up, and that's when we will take a greater step towards healing. Our moms know very well how much we love them.

Thanks M adams and Brett. Will wait for that time when I get over the guilt. 

Starting my day with positive today. 

There's something that has been on my mind lately and this is the best place to mention it. As much as I feared and dreaded my mom's death, I sort of felt like something good would happen, maybe not right away, but eventually. Like Karma would be looking out for me. The past three years without my mom has been horrible, one bad things after another. I don't understand. And while it hasn't challenged my faith in God, it has made me realize that I do not understand how God works. I just can't believe that after a 12 year battle with my mom's health, and all of the fear and trauma that came with it, that God would say, "Now I'm really going to kick his tail." It doesn't make sense. I am told that God loves us so much that he is sad when we are sad. I could make a list of setbacks that have occurred since my mom died. It just doesn't stop. The faith in me makes me believe that there is a reason for all of this. I just don't know what that reason is.

Well, Brett, one day we all shall see, I have many many questions, but no one to answer them.

My heart still aches everyday, I still cry, but no one understands why, they have no clue....

After my husband’s death, and now after losing my mother, I also found myself somehow imagining that, not so much that something good would happen, more that some kind of reward would come to me, something to balance off the pain and compensate for all the sacrifices that come with loving and caring for someone with health issues.  Strange because I would also say that I never expected any kind of compensation and would get angry when people praised me for being a “caregiver” — I felt that to be an insult to my mother, and to my husband, and to the kind of relationships that we had.  Given all that it was quite a shock to recognize this hope for “something good” in me, because I definitely don’t believe that there is a personal deity watching me and rewarding my good actions.  Nor have I noticed that those around me in the world are disposed to be fair minded in terms of recognizing good deeds or sacrifices.  More the opposite, actually.  Still, I suddenly realized that on some level I was expecting something, at least some recognition of how “good” I have been ...however, like Brett, in the years since my beloved husband died, and now in the months without my sweet mother, I have lost steadily in every sphere of life.  Personal, professional, creative, domestic, emotional, whatever.  The demands on me now, the bleak future that is being mapped out for me, really make me feel hopeless.  I guess the only good thing in my situation is that I don’t believe that a deity is doing this to me for some punitive or corrective reason, any more than I believe that a deity wanted to take my mother away from me, or deprive me of my husband — such beliefs would make it even worse for me.  

I agree with all of that. I didn't expect a reward. My mom was reward enough, but I am not the same person that I once was. And I thought that some kind of balance would occur. I can't explain that really. It's been defeating. As soon as I wake up in the morning I remember that mom is gone, my dog is elderly and blind, etc. I just don't understand. I just always have this hope that something is around the corner. And I do try. I don't sit around waiting for something good to happen, but I feel like it's beaten dog syndrome. I am used to bad things happening now. That's not a fun way to live. But I do have faith in God, and I hope and pray that he is walking with me on this journey.

Came across this picture of my mother and thought I could share it here.

Such a lovely smile adams. Thanks for sharing. 

I was travelling for the last 10 days and just got relax today. In the last 10 days, I tried really hard to feel normal and enjoy, got success to some extent and failed on many occasions. 

Your mom is lovely. I love her already.

Avi, I go through those emotion every day.

Why in the world am I crying, guess it’s just my thing now...thank you so much, Avi and Brett, for your kind words about my mother, they are appreciated.  Kind of a strange impulse to put her picture there, but glad now that I did.  

It's good that you can look at her picture. I have 100's of pictures of my mom but I am afraid to look at them. That cut is still very raw. But I think it's wonderful and therapeutic for you to look at her. Maybe one day I will be able to look at a picture of my mom and smile instead of cry. 

She looks like a wonderful person.

Its hard and it always will be

Avi, hang in there we all have success and many many failures

It’s strange about pictures.  After my husband died I immediately searched for and printed out phots and put them everywhere in frames so I could see him.  Later I made a photo album with pictures of him and us and our life, also writing about him and the story behind individual pictures.  That meant a lot to me but after I finished it I haven’t been able to look at it again, afraid it would be too painful. Yet I’m glad it’s there.  At some point I will be able to look at it.  Since my mother’s death I have also surrounded myself with pictures of her which I do find comforting. I want to be able to see her wherever I am.  Yet when my father sends photos of her, which he now does all the time, I often can’t face opening the envelope for many days, and when I do finally open them, seeing the photos make me cry.  Yet after I posted my mother’s picture here, the kind response was uplifting for me.  So basically it is all kind of confusing and I’m not surprised that some people are like Brett and not up for looking at pictures of the people they have lost.

My photo albums are in a drawer next to me bed. It's like opening Pandora's box. I just can't.

I just want to add... this is horrible. I always miss my mom so much, but there are times when the reality that my mom is not coming back is just too much. I couldn't sleep last night. When the lights are out and it's so quiet, I can think so much more clearly, and that's not always a good thing, because I can picture my mom so well. Sometimes I feel almost a sense of panic when I feel the reality of my mom's death. It's like I can close my eyes and it all seems so fresh, and I wonder how time got away from me so quickly. Just yesterday (It seems like) she was here. Now she's gone. All in the twinkling of an eye. I want my old life back, but I cannot have it, ever again. That is so hard to accept.

I have something similar I think, rush of negative thoughts at lights out and then when I’ve finally managed to trick or distract most of them away and start to drift, it’s like I suddenly find out that my mother is dead, my husband is dead, like something that just happened, although it’s been months for my mother and more than two years for my husband.  And my heart starts pounding and it’s like I’m terrified, although at the same time I’m not deluded, I do know that it isn’t new information, but it feels like it is.  Started reading some stuff lately about considering that love and especially the people we love are on loan to us, and maybe that is making some sense to me as an approach that might help me to better accept my current reality. Not yet though.

Similar to what Brett mentioned, yesterday's night was nightmare for me. I wake up two time in panic not sure why. 

I cried a lot for two days and cannot do anything but to accept and regret. 

I think it's those tricks and distractions (though necessary) that gets us in trouble. There is a stark reality to what has happened that will not be ignored. When I go to bed there are no distractions.

We need to be able to convince ourselves that everything is okay. And the best way to do that is to make everything as okay as possible. I have a long way to go to make that happen. 

Yes Brett. We need to make everything OK which is difficult. I need to go to office daily, spend 8 hours there, have food, wash my clothes and do everything which I am supposed to do. At the deep of my heart I don't want to do anything. 

Avi, just keep focusing on the good things in your life. You are blessed.

Hi Friends, 

Few days back I came to know an app EquoVox which can help you communicate with your loved ones who are deceased. It seems be fake to me but have seen some videos on you tube people claiming its real. Did anybody on this group tried this or should we try such things in first place. As per Hindu mythology, I should not disturb the deceased loved ones as they are in peace. 

No we should not, God is the only communicator Avi, you are right.

We should not disturb the deceased, they are in peace, it is us who are not in peace.

I still struggle everyday, I just have come to recognize that this is my new life.  

Avi, things like that scare the crap out of me. I mean, how do you know that you are actually communicating with your mom, and not something bad? I believe that you may open yourself to something that may attach itself to you. That's just personal opinion though. I have a friend who used a medium to contact her mom and it gave her a lot of closure. I just don't want to take that chance. I do talk to my mom. Of course she doesn't talk back. And every night I say, "I love you mom." I also tell God to tell her that I love her when I pray. I've just come to the conclusion that I will not be able to be with my mom again in this life.

I've had a good week. I changed jobs. I am a Personal Trainer at Wellness Center now. Yesterday I did a group session with children. Making them laugh and having a healthy impact in their lives made me feel like I had some purpose again. We have a lot of cancer survivors that I want to work with. I didn't feel guilty about feeling good which is a big step for me. My mom would have been happy for me.

Theresa, although I had a good day... yes, our lives have changed. Life will never be the same without our moms. You're in my prayers, my friend.

Brett, it gives me such a lift to hear about your new gig — sounds perfect! Lucky kids too, great when they can connect with an adult who also makes them laugh.  

Your comment re the spirit world app that Avi came across brought back a memory for me.  Personally I don’t think that good or bad spirits reach out through apps, so I wouldn’t be scared of such a thing, but your reaction reminded me of my mom’s reaction when I was 11 and a friend brought her ouiji board over.  We were carefully following the instructions until my mom became curious and peeked in on us — she got VERY upset about the possibility of “something bad happening” and my friend and her board suddenly needed to go home for supper ASAP.  

M, I'm half Catholic, and Theresa is 100% Catholic. This is a huge part of Catholicism. Ouiji boards just scare the crap out of me. I listened to a lecture series from a Vatican exorcists. There was a question and answer period. Someone asked him how he knew for sure that the people he worked with were not just mentally unbalanced. He said that 99% of the time the person just needs a good psychiatrist, but he also told some stories that were amazing if true, and I don't know why he would lie. He was adamant about not trying to contact someone beyond the grave. It's scary stuff. The Vatican can list the names of seven angels. They can list a lot more demons. They keep those names quiet for fear that someone will think it's a joke and try to summon those names. He even said that one of the first questions he asks in an exorcism is, "Who am I dealing with?" It's hard to imagine in 2019 that such things are possible, but he is listening for specific names. And he has a history with them. He has picked up conversations from where he last left off with a demon. It will say things that it could only know if they had a history. And he reiterated that when a four year old girl starts speaking in Latin with a very deep voice, and knows your life history, it changes your perspective about how real this is. I know it sounds like a lot of superstition, but it scares the crap out of me, and I'm not messing with it.

This morning when I woke up I had two messages on my answering machine from directors at the Wellness Center. They both said the same thing. One of them was, "I don't know what you did to those kids, but their parents are raving about you." It made me cry. It has been a long time since I felt like I was making a positive impact.

Avi, I actually looked up the EquoVox. I couldn't find an English link for it. I'll keep looking. I'm just really curious how it works. And I want you to make your own decisions. I just want you to be happy.

Brett you are right that is the "dark" side, it scares me too

That is so great about the phone call from the directors at the center, that must have made you feel like a million bucks.  

You are making a positive impact, I know you have on here.

Theresa, it's hard for me to be positive about anything. I always feel like something bad is right around the corner. That's because every time I thought mom was safe and had cleared another hurdle, something else would go wrong. It's just the way I'm conditioned. That's something people who haven't lived through this just cannot understand. I just have to keep working and taking baby steps.

Baby steps is such a good metaphor — I think when we’ve been traumatized by terrible loss, many of us lose our resilience, and basically have to baby ourselves, setting very tiny goals and challenges, slowly working our way forward.  Something bad has always been and will always be around the corner, but before the traumatic loss we weathered bad things, and realized — without really even thinking about it — that there were also good surprises around corners from time to time.  In my case, and my impression is that this is true for lots of people, the time before the traumatic loss was a long period of nonstop vigilance and anxiety punctuated by mostly terrible occurrences and a constant struggle to help the beloved person stay alive...a struggle which of course will ultimately fail.  

It’s probably not so surprising that this experience, a kind of training in bad outcomes and terrible shocks, leaves its imprint on the survivor — the depth and duration of the impression no doubt depends on many factors, but regardless of why, it seems like we have to nurture ourselves and bring ourselves along, unless there is someone around with the love and insight to be of assistance in this particular way.  I think it helps, at least seems to help me, to silently list any good things (however tiny)  that happened during the day, when I get into bed and turn out the light.  I also tried writing down things to be grateful for, but it is too soon for me, i think...seemed to just trigger grief and bitterness.  Maybe I will try again in the future.

You are right. I became conditioned with my mom. Every health crisis that my mom would have was traumatic for me. And then there would be that ray of light. I would have mom safe at home once again. I developed some false hope. But as time passed her body just started to shut down. It was like a little boat that kept springing leaks. We would plug a leak and then there would be another one. I ran out of fingers after a while. I couldn't stop it. Praying couldn't stop it. Her doctors couldn't stop it. Now I am just waiting for another leak to emerge. It's all I know, and it's all I've seen. I can tell another person that things are going to be okay, but I just can't believe it for myself. I am going to have to experience consistent peace and small victories before I can or will believe that things will be okay again. When my mom died my security was just ripped away violently. After a 12 year battle you would think that I had time to prepare, but I was not prepared, and I don't know if you can be prepared to lose the center of your life like that. They say that God is love. In an instant what I loved was gone. So I lost my mom and God suddenly seemed very far away. I have not recovered yet.

I truly envy people who have a loving support system to help them through something like this. 

I envy people also Brett that have a loving support system to help them through what we are going through.

God is love and he wants us to be compassionate and kind, and he will always be by our side.

I believe that

Hi All, 

Today I again cried remembering my mother. I miss her so much and feels devastated sometimes. My daughter is my motivation to live. 

That's all it takes, Avi. Just one thing that makes you want to get up in the morning. That's a good start.

Avi, I have been thinking about your post all day.  And I do not want you to feel like you are alone at all. There's not a day that goes by, not an hour when I don't think about my mom. And I think for people like me and Theresa, days have become years. Sadly there comes a time when we see this as the new normal. But three years is still early where grief is concerned. I am always hoping that as time goes on this may get a little easier. And I think there will be times when it feels that way, and then other times when reality slaps us right in the face. For me, I just miss my mom. The guilt has subsided because I loved her SO much, and she knew that. Your mom knows that, too. Missing her still hasn't stopped though. The only thing that I can think of that would make me feel batter is my mom, and I can't have that. So, know that you are not alone. We may be an ocean apart, but I am grieving right next to you.

The dawn of March...last two weeks of Mum's life on Earth. And grief became my companion thereafter. Half a century living with that woman who carried me in her womb and now life without her has become meaningless for me. Life without my mother, my best friend, my little world...is just mere existence in this big world. Functioning better does not equate to feeling better.  All I want is to be with my mother again. I am choking.

I sure know that feeling. I was thinking about this today. I have faith that my mom is in heaven. And, yes I would rather be in heaven with my mom than be here. But here's the really sad things. Even if there is nothing after we die, I would prefer that to being without my mom.

I'm going to see my life through until my last natural breath, but I would honestly rather not be here. That's not the way it's suppose to be, but that's how I feel. I'm just here for my dog. When she's gone, I hope I will find another reason to get up in the morning.

Yes I still cry probably too much, but I do realize I have to go on and live my life, take care of my senior dog and keep going.

Sometimes it hits me really hard, I'll turn off the radio in the car and start talking to my mom, thinking my gosh days, months, years went by but everything is still fresh in my mind.  I go over things and question myself, why didn't I do this or why didn't I do that.  Too late, I guess I was in shock.  That was for about a year, in a fog.

I stopped practicing yoga, because I just don't feel like going, which I have to go back because mentally it was lifesaver for me.  In that studio the only thing on my mind was me, the mat and peace, and of course the 110 degree heat.

I read here everyday, I say to myself I know I get it, its hard it always will be for me, she was all I had, she was my strength.  

I remember many times her saying to me you have to live your life sweetheart.  

I'm trying mom......

Theresa, I'm trying as well, but this is something that my mom and I had talked about. Mom wanted me to go on with a smile on my face. If it had been me who had died, I know that it would have haunted my mom the same as her death is haunting me. 

Living your life is one thing. Being happy is something else. It remains to be seen if I can get that back. It's the unconditional love that cannot be replaced. And beyond that, people are like snowflakes, no two people are the same. My mom was my favorite person. There's no one else like her.

Avi, not sure what is meant by circumstances were hostile — are you referring to the stressfulness of the whole situation, or something more specific?  

Either way, I’m really sorry that you’re in such pain, and from what you’ve written here over the last months, I can tell that you are a loving son.  

Hi Adams, 

Circumstances were hostile because there were some personal issues happening which created hindrances in my mother's treatment. Also I used to be in panic due to which I shouted on her a lot for not following the protocols. I wanted to save her, was worried due to which I used to shout her if she misses to take some medicines etc. 

I wish she is in heaven or if she is in a new life then she gets a better son. 

Yes, it is absolutely obvious that you are a loving son. And we all have our own stories. I know why I feel guilty but I do not pretend to know why anyone else here feels guilty, unless they tell us of course. And I want to be honest. I want to look at each person's situation like I look at my own, and I am my harshest critic. Avi, I believe you. If you say t hat there are things that you should have done differently, I believe you. It's not just a matter of not being perfect. Sometimes we do things that are just plain wrong. We know we were wrong, and no well meaning person can convince us that we were not wrong.

I was talking to my best friend recently. His mom is reaching the end of her life and he feels a lot of guilt because he lives in another state, has children, and work, and can't get home as much as he would like to. He feels guilty, and I know that he will feel even more guilty after she dies, but I also know how much his mom loves him, and that she understands, and the way she feels about him will not change one iota. That's kind of the reason why we are all here. We each experienced a level of unconditional love that perhaps only a mother could give.

Avi, I feel like I have a pretty good understanding of what kind of man you are, and if I know, I can guarantee you that your mom knew. You can live with that. The love between you and your mom was known and understood. Nothing can take that away. We all learn from our mistakes. If there is something that you feel badly about, learn from it, grow from it, remember those lessons if you are ever in a similar circumstance. It would be great to be able to go back in time and apply those lessons to our time with our moms. We can't. But remember that your mom couldn't love you more even if you had done everything perfectly. If you could ask my mom what kind of caretaker and son I was, I think she would tell you that I probably did the best I could, but I was a LONG way from perfect. But if you asked my mom if I loved her, the answer would have been a resounding yes. There's not much more that I could ask for. We say that we love someone warts and all. That works both ways. Our moms love us warts and all, too.

Thanks for kind words Brett. Please let me know if I can call you someday on Skype. If yes, please share me your skype Id. 

My mother’s birthday, the first one without her, has come and gone.  A sad occasion but also filled with many sweet and bittersweet memories.  I don’t know how other people here have handled these birthdays.  I was with my father and sister — my father didn’t seem to remember that it was the day until a fair way into dinner, but he appeared pleased when he realized it and we raised a glass to my sweet mother.  I had the idea to post a picture from last year’s birthday, maybe with the birthday cake that she really enjoyed, a Hummingbird cake.  However, it seems that all the pictures from her birthday are not on my devices, I guess my father and brother have them but I don’t.  While searching around I found this picture from a bit earlier, from a festive lunch with my dad and me — it seems to have a birthdayish mood, so will paste it here instead.

Time flies too quickly. My mom's first birthday away from this earth was very hard. It was a very odd day because it didn't even hit me until that night that it was my mom's birthday. I knew. I knew without even realizing that I knew. So many things were weighing on me that day. There comes a point when your conscious mind will insist that you face your problems. I was physically sick that day. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I went to the ER. My blood pressure was 230 over 115. I had never had high blood pressure before. The doctor told me that whatever I was dealing with was attacking my body. Stress will do that. In some ways that day was a positive turning point for me. I said to myself, "This is ridiculous, and it ends today." Well, it didn't end that day, but I put my big boy pants on, and started to face my new reality. I have come a long way since then. I still have quite a way to go. And there is no telling if I will get there. If I do not, it will not be because of lack of effort. It is more the realization that tomorrow is not promised  to anyone. Life is very short. There are two seasons in life. The first, for most of us, is a time of love and security. The second is when what has always been familiar to you goes away. And then we have to reinvent ourselves. Some are better equipped to do this than others. For me it has been quite a struggle. I keep plugging away though.

That is why it is important to say. In a world where people are not attached to what you each are going through, I can promise you that I am. Each one of you that posts here. I understand. It hurts. It's scary, and it's hard. We are all trying to reinvent ourselves. I am with you.

Mom's are a wonderful thing.

What you’ve said here, Brett, is so powerful.

-Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

-We have to reinvent ourselves.

-I am with you.

Those three phrases sum up much of what I’ve been trying to take in recently by reading the philosopher Epictetus — acceptance of life’s fragility, the requirement to engage anew with the world, and the responsibility to be kind.  Glad that you are “plugging away” to such good effect, and that you are taking care of your health — thanks for this thoughtful posting.