Hello there Avi...

I hope your dad, wife and your baby girl are doing fine. Your mother passed on 15 May 2018, right? 15 was my favourite number. 15 was the date that my mother gave birth to me. 15 was also the date that she departed from this world. So every 15 of each month since she passed on, you can imagine the barometer of my sadness. Yesterday, was the 15 of December, and the whole day I was 'bedridden'. Simply couldn't get out of bed even though I was awake, to brush my teeth, take a shower, cook my meals etc. I just couldn't. I didn't eat anything and silence took over. I live alone so silence and tears are my constant companion now. Besides, I will only report to work in January. I used to travel during end of Nov/Dec period but I am just processing my grief and dealing with my mother's death every day now.

I like how you are contributing your services to the underprivileged. You are on the right path. I donated some money to one of the aged homes to commemorate Mother's Day this year by throwing a lunch to the poor old people abandoned by their children or terminally ill. 

Be there for your darling sweet little girl. Trust me as a favourite daughter to a father whom I lost 17 years ago, I still miss him terribly. I miss my mum just as bad.

Thanks Selv. Yes she died on 15 May 2018 so the memories are still fresh. My daughter is driving me in this life as she is innocent and does not know anything about grief and guilt. 

Great to hear that you help others. 

Avi, I can't say that I envy any of us but you are so blessed. You lost your mom but the Lord gave you a beautiful little life to nurture, love, and foster.

Theresa, you are are in my prayers today. I know it was a very hard day.

SelV, I think I would spend a lot of says in bed if I could. A few nights ago I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. When I went back to bed I looked at the clock. I was happy because I still had a few hours before my alarm would go off. And then I thought how nice it would be to hibernate for a few months, that it would stay dark, and that I could just stay in bed. When I laid down I realized that wasn't a very healthy desire. But that's how I feel. I'm just tired spiritually more than physically. And I look ahead and I don't know where relief will come from. Maybe God has a plan for my life. I sure hope so. 

thank you Brett Bowman  for your truly kind words and advice it means a lot to me and your right I don't feel like I have grieved for her at all but I will try your advice thank you so much have a blessed day

I pray that you will have a blessed day as well.

I wish I could hug the snot out of everyone of you tonight.

Merry Christmas

God bless everyone today.

One day and its over, for me tomorrow back to work.

Merry Christmas to all here. I cried a lot yesterday as I was alone, tired and was able to remember my mother's pain in her last few days. 

Wishing peace to everyone. 

Avi, I'm sorry it was a hard day for you. I'm glad that Christmas is over. I hate to say that, but it's true. Too many memories. 

Well done 2018...you ripped my heart or should I say burnt it?

What an emotional roller coaster ride it had been! It still is and guess it would still be till my last breath. Cos my mother was the only one I had in my life who truly loved and cared about me. She was my everything, my world. And now she is just a memory(tears rolling down my cheeks)!!!

Should I forgive and forget you...2018?

I am not okay...just like everyone here who is yet to move on. If that is possible at all!

Tired. Exhausted. In every aspect.

All the best to everyone for 2019.

Sending hugs to everyone today and tomorrow. Another year without my mom :( Missing her so much. 

SelV, in so many ways your post reminds of something anyone of us would say. The timing is different but we all have similar feelings. I have three cousins who lost their mom just a couple of months ago, but they are so much farther along in their development than I am, and I know that has so much to do with their support system. Many of us just can't replace that unconditional love. I know I can't. I love my dog. She is all that I have.

I have said this before. We are a sad group. I don't mean that we are bad people. I just mean that we are literally sad. We are brokenhearted. Keep taking baby steps. Do what you have to do to make it through another day. Always have hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Pray. This road is leading us somewhere.

Hugs to you, Crystal. I'm right there with you.

Yes well said Brett. Just looking this new year eve as yet another day. Hope to see the light at the end of tunnel. 

Hugs to all friends here and thanks for your continuous support. Will love to talk to you guys over phone or skype someday. 

Indeed Brett, sadness personifies us. 

My five siblings have returned to their more or less 'normal' life with their spouses, children or pets and work, social life. Mum was never a long term responsibility for them. I cannot be angry with my siblings or envy them at all. I am happy for them...at least they do not have to wallow in the grief for this long. How long for me...I don't know. Let nature takes it course.

Being my mom's caretaker was the greatest blessing of my life, but it has some with a cost. I wouldn't trade with my brother's and sister in anyway shape or form. When they remember mom, I'm not sure what they remember. I mean, they have memories, but not like what I have. I could not have gotten more from my relationship with my mom, and I was fortunate enough to be with her until her dying breath, but that doesn't make it any easier. It's not easy for any of us. Far from it.

In my case the gift was being able to help my mom and to be with her.  Despite her health challenges there was a lot of joy in our relationship, joy that is gone from the house now.  Very empty here without her spirit of celebration and gratitude.  I’m realizing that being there for her death, holding her hand as she died, was not as important to me as being there in the years before when we were so close and shared so much.  I am grateful to have been there at the end, and it was my honour and responsibility, but it was also traumatic, a trauma that those who choose not to help are spared.  

My mom and I played scrabble together a lot — since her death I have not played. Tonight, though, thought I would try to play with my brother as a sort of ritual, and found the board mysteriously broken.  Not a big deal but brought tears.  Never know what will do that these days.

I felt that as well. There were times when my mom would bounce back and be able to drive and shop and take care of herself. Those were such good times. It always culminated with mom and I watching television at the end of the night, laughing over the same episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond over and over again. I just enjoyed my mom's company. She was my best friend, and then couple that with our dogs, I couldn't have asked for anything more. I will miss that for the rest of my life.

And then the gratitude. When the chips were really down, my mom was so grateful that I was there for her. If I just got her a glass of water, I could see it in her eyes. Once I heard her talking on the phone to one of her sisters. She said, "I couldn't ask for better care. If I so much as cough he is standing over me." That just made my heart leap. My mom was a single mom who did it all for us, and even if it were only one of her children, she seemed so pleased that I was trying to give back. It always kind of surprised my mom that a man could be tender. She trusted me so much and that meant the world to me.

Brett, the feeling that your mom loved when you took care for her is amazingly pleasing as I do not have the same feeling. 

I would easily lived with this feeling the rest of my life but unfortunately for me it is not the case. I think she may have thought that I have not taken good care of her. In the last few days I was there but I feel guilty of not able to understand her illness clearly and made her last few days very painful. I was trying to save her but it never worked. 

Wishing you all a very happy new year. For me 2018 was worst than 2017. My mother's critical illness was detected in 2017 but she died in 2018 so I consider both of these year as devastating for me. I hope to find peace in 2019. 

Avi, I thought about that as I posted. We all have different experiences. Theresa didn't get to say goodbye to her mom, and I know how you feel about your last days with your mom. We have a saying in the church, "Robbing Peter to save Paul." Basically it means trading one thing for another with no clear advantage. While I did my best with my mom, I could probably list 100 other ways in which I came up short. My mom's death was like a nuclear warhead going off. I survived, but I feel like the world as I know it has been destroyed. I'm trying to pick up the pieces and am not succeeding. For all of my great memories of that time, I also have so many traumatic memories as well. And what's scary is that you realize that life doesn't wait for you to pick up the pieces. It just keeps coming at you. Quite often I just want to give up but I can't. We have to keep plugging. Somehow, we have to keep trying. 

Yes Brett. Agree. 

Today I start the first day in office with below resolution 
MMS (Meditation, Muscle i.e. to exercise and Smile). I hope all these help overcome my grief and guilt. 

Wishing you all a great year ahead. 

I think those are great resolutions. Exercise makes you feel better. I love to lift, and the time that I spend in the gym is the best part of my day.

Avi, I have really high hopes for you. You have all the tools (blessings) to be happy. You lost your mom but you welcomed a child into your life. If there is anyone that we can love as much as we love our moms, it's our children. I don't have any kids, but what a blessing that would have been to have filled the void in my life with a child. You have a life partner (your wife) to go through the days with, and to spend the holidays with, someone who cares if you ate today, or if you have clean clothes or not. Someone who is waiting for you to come home safely. And someone who is only an arms length away. You have a career, a purpose. Your guilt is certainly real, and I understand it, but you obviously love your mom, and if I know that, I can guarantee you that she knows that. Allow yourself to be happy. The Lord has blessed you with an abundance.

If we (all of us) could combine all that we have, we probably wouldn't need to be on this site. I may have something that someone else wishes that they had. Some would say that I had the perfect ending with my mom. There is not a day that goes by when I don't think about Theresa's last visual of her mom. One of us, I can't remember who, found out that her mom died on Facebook. That is beyond horrible. M. Adams is dealing with the loss of both her husband and her mom. But I still have holes in my life that are bigger than the Grand Canyon. Maybe we all do. I don't know. I can only speak for myself. I hope I am alone there.

I hope and pray that the void each of us has in our life can and will be filled. I think of you all as family.

Thanks Brett for the lovely words. 

Where is Virginia?

Avi, you know meditation is wonderful, I need to get back to yoga, it did wonders for me after my mom passed.

Brett I agree with everything you say, I am happy to have somewhere to go an express my sorrow, my friends, family don't care, you know why because my friends have no idea they still have both parents.......

Theresa, I think there is more to it than not having lost their parents yet. It's a general lack of empathy that is pervasive in society. A lot of people are so wrapped up in their own lives, children, family, and career. It takes a rare and very compassionate person to be able too see how much another person is struggling. It's like we can't appreciate what it is to be hungry until you can't afford food. We don't know what it means to have shelter until you lose it. It's a real lack off compassion. And it's kind of scary, because if you are on the outside looking in, help is hard to find.

New year, new beginnings 'they' say...

I say...my foot!

M Adams and Brett...you shared lovely stories and wonderful experiences about your mother in one of your posts. I was very touched.

I reiterate this again Brett...you are actually a boon to your mother. Very few sons will take care of their mothers and still yearn and pine for them after their demise. I salute you!

Avi...I concur with Brett. You have a beautiful family. Somehow I feel you can see your mother in your daughter cos you are your mother's son. Talk to your daughter about her paternal grandmother...your mother's beauty, her goodness, her love for you. She needs to know.

Theresa, I too cry myself to sleep every night. Can't help it can we?

When my mother was around, I was doing yoga and pranayama(breathing exercises) for many years before going to work. Everything has come to a standstill now. Even going to work has become a drag. I will be retiring in a few years time though.

I am just existing till I cease.

SelV, I am also a Personal Trainer. I used to live in the gym, pretty much. When mom needed me most I could no longer go there. That was okay. Mom needed me. It took me two years after my mom's death to get back there. I just didn't have the energy or motivation. That is one of the things that the throes of depression will do to you. I couldn't/wouldn't do the thing that I most enjoyed. That was a big mistake. I just came back from the gym and it felt great. It's doing the little things, getting back to the normal paces of your life, even taking a shower, cooking a meal instead of making a sandwich, all little things that add up to so much. I don't even want to brush my teeth sometimes. I really believe that all of those things are baby steps that we have to take to reclaim our lives.

Even the high I get from exercising makes me feel bad because I start feeling guilty for feeling good! As you said, "My Foot!!" My attitude about exercising, and just living my life, is what I call "Stinking Thinking."

I don't know much. I don't know how to be happy, but I do know that we have to live our lives. To find any sense of normalcy we have to do all of the little things that were once normal for us. Nothing good can come from me sitting around the house with oily hair and bad breath. 

We have to take care of ourselves. Do you yoga and your breathing exercises. Do it today. That is a great baby step.

Bluebell, if you are still reading... I miss you.

Thanks Brett...thank you so much for the support and encouragement. The only think I can promise for now is that I will still breathe until it is time.

Things happened before my mum passed on and after. 

1. Two weeks before Mum passed on, fridge's lamp blew and I replaced it but it did not light up. The fridge still works...half dead though. It was my mum's favourite object as she kept all her favourite perishable and non-perishable foods in it.

2. Then the wall clock stopped working. Replaced the batteries but still did not work. Had to check the mechanism and realised it was jammed. Self-repaired it.

3. Three weeks into her death, her bedroom lights(4 month old) blew. Till now I have not changed it.

4. Then in April, my reliable old CRT TV started to act up. My mum used to watch all her favourite shows on it. After I had switched it on, it will switch on and off by itself. Sometimes the screen would just go blank or full of rainbow colours. It was crazy. I had to let it go.

5. Then my trusted car gave trouble in July. My mum would always sit beside me as I drove her places. I had to kiss it goodbye like I did it to my mum before her coffin was pushed into the crematorium.

6. My mobile phone acted up in August too. I had to get a new one. 

This is classic...on 1 Jan 2019...just a few days ago, the one year old corded phone went dead. My sister-in-law bought it for her and my mum was so proud of her. 

I don't know what to make out of it but literature and some humans say spiritual energy and electricity/energy are connected. 

I am just so sad that one by one things associated with my mum died. Not only I but even these non-living things loved and missed my mother. 

Have a nice weekend everyone!

SelV, a lot of similar things happened to me. In my case I don't believe it was energy. I think it was lack of energy on my part to not fix those things. Our motion lights outside the house died first. Replacing light bulbs is a natural part of life, but every time one died, I felt like I had lost another part of my mom. The big one for me was when an ice tea maker shorted out. My mom had given that to me as a Christmas present the year before she died. She was really proud of it because, somehow she was able to get in her car and go buy it without me knowing. That was the last Christmas present she had gotten me. I cried like a baby before throwing it away. I felt like I was throwing a part of my mom away. More and more, appliances that I still have, that once belonged to my mom will die. That is always hard. It is especially hard in the beginning, because it means that the life I had with my mom is going away. It's no picnic now either.

For me, feelings about things breaking and needing repair after bereavement seem to have been all mixed up.  When my husband died I found myself compelled to fix all kinds of broken things, chinaware, crystal and glass, wooden, cloth, all sorts of things that had been damaged and put aside.  At the same time I felt and feel tragic and incapacitated about bigger things that I couldn’t fix on my own inside the house.  The fence collapsed, problems developed with the car that my husband loved, the brick front stairs cracked, boards failed in the porch floor, one of the electrical switches in the bathroom broke, the receiver in my husband’s sound system suddenly went dead, the windowbox fell off...I haven’t arranged to fix any of these, feel like I can’t face it.  Just keep living in the increasingly broken environment.  Of course I’m not here much but it’s not just because of that, it’s a feeling of vulnerability.  At the same time, having your home become increasingly exposed with collapsed fences and so on also makes you feel vulnerable and literally exposed.  Since my mother’s death I notice the same desire in myself coming back again...find myself at my parents place buying special glues to fix various broken things, polishing silver, etc.  Very upset when my father kept advocating throwing everything in the trash, like he wants to throw our life, my mother, our whole history away.  My reaction is not reasonable, I know, but when I saw the Christmas ornaments restored and back on display, I felt better and it’s possible that my father did too.  I noticed he sent a bunch of pix of the restored Mrs. Santa and her reindeer, etc., to sundry friends and relatives, anyway.

SelV, I hope that this will make sense to you. I feel like my mom and I were on a journey. Sometimes, because she was sick, I had to stop and patiently wait for her. When she was ready I would nudge her forward and say, "let's go mom." The stops became more and more frequent. And then she just couldn't go on any farther. She died. I have to go on by myself now. I can't stay in the same place and wait for her. She's not coming.

M, I am very familiar with that feeling of vulnerability. My mom wasn't exactly a handy person, but when something broke, my mom would have it fixed. Nothing in our home stayed broken for long. When things started  to break I felt very vulnerable. A lot of things I just didn't know how to fix. I wasn't even sure who my mom would have called when she needed repairs. I also felt like I had let my mom down. She entrusted me with that house. One thing I know for sure though. At the end of my mom's life she wasn't worried about the house. She was worried about me. She loved that house, but not like she loved me.

We sold the house. We made all of the little repairs and some big ones. I imagine that my mom could care less now. That house could have fallen down all around me. At the end of my mom's life, the only thing she wanted was that I not break down.

"Sometimes, because she was sick, I had to stop and patiently wait for her. When she was ready I would nudge her forward and say, "let's go mom." The stops became more and more frequent. And then she just couldn't go on any farther. She died."

Brett, I can totally relate to the above. Eyes just welled up. Mum couldn't eat, couldn't walk much, couldn't even have proper conversations. She was sleeping most of the times. It was the last leg of her journey. Watching once a robust, healthy, beautiful woman turned into...

It pained me and I cried in front of her sometimes. But that old lady was a rock. She would chide and sometimes beat me with her palms in a friendly manner. She couldn't bear to see me crying. 

She doesn't know that I am still crying. She's at peace and I lost mine. 

This life journey, the longest that I took with Mum from the day I swam in her womb till I watched her(bones and ashes) 'swimming' back into the sea...taught me that the love for my mother never dies! 

In the end I would cry too frequently in front of my mom. It worried her a lot. Once I went to a restaurant and got my mom's favorite food. She was all excited, until I put it in front of her. She wouldn't touch it. I said, "Mom, please eat something for me! Please!" She wouldn't do it. I bawled right in front of her. She tried to make it better. She told me that she had eaten part of a banana for breakfast.

Once, my sister, who rarely showed her face during mom's sickness, caught me crying in front of mom. She came into my room and told me that it was selfish of me to do that in front of mom. It was all I could do to not just pick her up and throw her out of the house. She had no idea what it was like.

But I think you understand the point that I was trying to make. At some point, you have to go on without your mom by your side. It's the cruelist thing in the world, but it has to be done. Keep her in your heart forever, but move forward. For your own sake... move forward.

No worries Brett, I only lost my peace not my mind. I get the drift.

Mum and I in our little world is in the past. I am fully aware of that.

Now, it is just me and I in this big bad wolf...oops...I mean world.

Let life throw whatever challenges at me. I had survived Mum's death. so...what could be worse?

My plate is full with work and housework...ha!

I'm in a unique position (grief wise). I have no idea how to get better but I can look back over the past three years and see changes that I would make if I could do it again. That may sound like an odd things say (do it again. post mom) In some sad way I prefer those days because everything about my mom was so fresh. Her voice, her face, everything. It made me feel close to mom even though she was gone. I wish that I had gotten back into the swing of  things so much earlier. It took me two years to go back to the gym. It took me about a year to start working again, and then when I did go back to work, I settled for a lot less than I should have. I wish that I had started to reclaim my life earlier. A lot earlier. I know you haven't lost your mind. Far from it. But you are grieving, and that can make you shut down in ways that you may not even realize now. After my mom died, a friend of mine contacted me. She is a brilliant girl but she has suffered through severe depression. Her advice to me was to go to the store, go for a walk, drive past familiar places. I was reluctant to do the last part because so many places reminded me of mom. She told me to drive a little further each day. Of course, she told me to get back  to the gym. All that made some sense then, but it makes a whole lot of sense now. That's how you go from just existing to living again. You know, I really believed that I would die of a broken heart after mom died. Well, it's three years later and I'm as healthy as a horse (I think). I was waiting for the cosmic big bus to come and get me. Didn't happen. At first I wish that I had learned to live for my mom because that is what she would have wanted, and now I wish that I would live for myself, too. I'm learning. I hope it takes. Losing the person you love the most causes tons of grief, but a lot of our grief is also self inflicted. I know mine was and is. I hope and pray that you will have a better experience than I did.

Selv. I agree with your points that if we survived our mother's death then what else life can throw on us. I have also became highly tolerant after my mother's death as I have seen the biggest pain so nothing hurts much now. 

I have been trying to live in the moment, because as we all know especially me, tomorrow might not come.

I spend way too much time worrying about what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day or the next, its a vicious cycle.  For me it is difficult to live in the moment.

I have to say I look back on the past three years since my mom died and yes there are things I should have could have done differently.  I cry still because I miss her, I have come to peace knowing I will always miss her.

It is hard to put in words how I feel, my mom was all I had, we were extremely close, being that she had me when she was 42.

But I am realizing the way she passed was more than likely what she would have wanted, for me not to have to take care of her even though I would, it was in an instant, in my head I go over and over my last conversation with her on the phone, and thirty minutes later she was gone.  I was waiting for her to wake up when they were doing CPR, thinking ok she will be ok. No that is not how it went.

I still question myself for not doing an autopsy at my brothers request, because I am the type person that wants to know why-so that being said my mind is like a popcorn machine with thoughts of why did my mom go in CA, what caused it, I will live with that forever.  Her doctor says it was her blood pressure, ok maybe, but there was something else I just know it and I keep looking for the answer.

Brett something strange right after my mom passed I continued practicing Yoga everyday, it helped my mind, but guess what, I have just stopped for no apparent reason, just stopped, I keep saying today I will go to class, I do not know why I don't, but I don't.....

Excuses I guess.

I just keep doing the same thing everyday, go to work, do household chores, take care of the dog, go to bed.  It is what it is I guess.

I can tell you all what I would really like to do is move somewhere warmer, that does not get winter snow.  Maybe one day.

Totally Avi...

Losing one parent is hard. Losing your second parent is harder still. When it happens to be your mother, lo and behold, it is the most painful and cruelest(like Brett mentioned) reality that slaps a son or daughter. Maybe I am just on survival mode. Come what may...I don't give two hoots now!

Brett, it took me four months before I went back to work. I took half load for half pay from July to Dec last year. I am on full load now. Going to work takes my mind off. Of course, I come home and grief...ha!

People advised and still advise me to do this, do that...I hear them but both the spirit and flesh are weak. When I am ready, my heart will tell me so.

Self-inflicted grief? Now, that's something new!  

I grief because my mother died. You grieved and maybe still grieving because your mother died. It is an emotional pain of losing someone who was our heart and soul. 

A large part of my grief is self-inflicted because I always see the worst case scenario now. I project. There are many people who, as if the grief of losing their mom wasn't enough, who will feel the need to punish themselves even further. Primarily through guilt. I went out to dinner a few nights ago with friends. I would start laughing, and there was a part of me that would suddenly think, "I shouldn't be happy. I'll never see my mom again." It's an emotional roller coaster. My mom's death is the origin of this, but I also play a role in it. It's a vicious cycle and sometimes we have to fight for happiness.

I had a sad thought today. I remember one Christmas, I wanted a digital wrist watch. Believe it or not they were new at the time. My mom got one for me for Christmas. I wore it to bed and I kept waking up to press the little button so the watch would light up, and I could see what time it was. I just keep thinking, my mom was a single parent. She worked hard and always got us what we wanted most at Christmas. At some point she had gone to the mall after work and got that for me. It wasn't expensive or anything, but it still means the world to me. To be loved that much, and to think, if I had wanted to I could have gone into my mom's room and lay down beside her. I did that a lot when I was little, whenever I was lonely or scared.

I can't do that now. I wouldn't crawl up beside her in bed now, but I would sit next to her and I would tell her how horrible it has been without her. And I would thank her for everything she did for me, and apologize for all of the bad things. The thing is, I want to go home. I want to get in my car and drive back to the 70's or 80's. I can't.

I miss my mom. I miss feeling safe and loved. I went to church today and cried at the altar. That's the closest I can come to my mom now. It's just not enough. I need to put my head in her lap and cry. 

It's ok Brett...having a good time with your friends and then feeling guilty afterwards. You are still grieving. 

It is important not to dismiss, deny, belittle or escape our grief. Don't rush through it. Deal with it head-on...it is painful, I know. 

I too wish, I could do a time travel...back to the past. Happy days. Happy family. And my beautiful mum.

Right now, I can only relieve that golden era. 

Just seems like the world is a cold place without my mom. It's the same world it always was, but I view it differently now. I imagine that I always will. There is never a good time to lose your mom, but I sure wish that she was still here with me, healthy.

Brett, you brought back a memory — for some reason I never became grownup enough to not lie down in the big bed with my mom.  In the last few years we would go in there, close the door, get under the covers, and watch an old movie on the barely functioning bedroom tv whenever my father took an impromptu nap in the den, where the “good” television is.  It was often more hanging out and talking, putting on hand cream, etc., than serious movie watching.  When my father would eventually wake up he would always throw the door open dramatically and express some degree of outrage at our sneaking off.

I never really outgrew laying down next to my mom. She outgrew it for me. Mom was real fussy about her bed. Her mom was, too. Mom would make up her bed all the way through her sickness. I don't know how she did it but she did. There came a point when I would lat down next to my mom out of necessity and she was too sick to argue. I needed to be there in case she needed me. Mom was never a mushy person, but she relented in the end. She would let me hold her hand. I guess she knew that time was running out and that I needed that.

Brett, my mom did the same she made her bed every day, and the day before she went to the hospital in the ambulance, I got to her house and her bed was made....

I do the same...

Just to be clear, my mother also liked things kept tidy and despite her health issues made the bed every day, though not necessarily first thing.  I definitely didn’t mean to suggest that we got into an unmade bed to watch afternoon tv — she would not like that imputation at all!   

To my surprise, my determinedly undomesticated father has been making the bed every morning since my mother’s death.  He did occasionally help her change the bed and so on, but I never had the impression that he cared about beds being made.  Obviously he does now.

I never thought that your mom wasn't tidy. When my mom got really sick, her ways didn't change. She would say, "How does the kitchen look?" I would tell her that it was fine, but she would say, "Get in there and clean it up." Even if it was clean I would make cleaning noises to appease her. Mom got a rumba vacuum cleaner because she couldn't vacuum every day anymore. It was adorable. Mom didn't understand modern technology. She would talk to it. After it made several passes in one room, mom would say to it, "Go on and get my room now." When the it ignored her she would say, "Now, you listen to me!! Git!!"