Hi All

The last two days have been very hard. Somehow guilt is again taking hold of me but trying to overcome by indulging in work. Whenever I feel somebody taking good care of their parents, I feel what wrong I did that my mom passed away. 

Wishing peace for everyone. 

Avi, I can't imagine that anyone who has lost their mom doesn't feel some kind of guilt after their passing. I can see how much you love your mom, and I can guarantee you that she knew. If she could be with you right now, do you think she would hug you, or do you think she would be angry at you? I don't have to know your mom to know the answer to that question.

Look up in the sky and say, "I Love You Mom." She will hear you.

:)

So I have been really busy at work and with moving, but of course at night when I get in bed I cry and cry.

I finally have come to realize this will be the new normal I guess, I do not think I will every stop missing my mom ever...

I think you're right, Theresa. We are a sad bunch. I think our moms would be touched that we love them so much, but they would probably also want us to be happy and move on. I just don't think that's possible, nor do I believe that my mom would have been able to move on if it had been me.

Dear all...the thought "What if I had died due to unforeseen circumstances and my elderly widowed mother had to grief my death?" crossed my mind many times. Knowing my mother, her world (of me and her) would have collapsed and she would have probably succumbed to broken heart syndrome. 

Work, movies online, cooking, grocery shopping and household chores have been my distractions currently. 

Work - to pay bills

Movies - to kill time

Grocery shopping/cooking - to fill my stomach

Household chores - to keep the house clean

Just going through the motions -no passion, no joy in anything I do. 

The living daylights are like living nightmares. Sleep always rescues me temporarily from the pain and sorrows, guilt and regrets. 

Today, as I was washing my mother's bathroom, I broke down uncontrollably reliving my mother's final moments - she fell and passed on in the bathroom.  The woman who saw me taking my first breath, I had to watch her taking her last breath!!! 

SelV, your mom would have had it no other way. She saw you take your first breath. You saw her take her last. I experienced that as well. If I had my way, I would have gone before my mom. Is that selfish of me? Yes. I don't care. Losing mom was too much. I know about the circle of life, but it still hurts, horribly.

My mom died with her eyes open. She was staring at me. That was really hard. She died on Christmas Eve so it took a long while to get the Hospice nurse there, and a lot longer to get the funeral home there. I couldn't close my mom's eyes. I couldn't be the person who closed here eyes for the last time. The Hospice nurse did that. I just sat there staring at her. She was looking at me but she couldn't see me. She was gone.

I broke down today too. I was in my car. I heard a Christmas song that reminded me of mom. Just about everything reminds me of my mom.

Let those tears flow..

You know what when my mom could not be resuscitated, her eyes were wide open and looking toward the right towards me as I walked in, she saw me I know it.  I shut her eyes.  I wanted the hospital staff to leave me alone.  They were unhooking her from the monitor, one nurse was so kind, she said I was talking to your mom and she went unconscious, it was very peaceful, that helped knowing she was not gasping for air or screaming.  It was awful watching the ambulance guy on the bed on his knees doing chest compressions, my mom looked exactly like a Raggedy ann doll, she was gone no matter what.  From that point on I was in another world like my body was here but I was not.  That went on for a year.  

Let me tell you guys my moms sister had a son that was in excellent shape, he was playing tennis and died of a massive heart attack at 44 years old on the tennis court, my moms sister went on the live until 97, my mom used to say you should not have to bury your children.

Your mom sounds a lot like mine. She also used to say, "I lived my life, now you have to live yours." 

Brett, my mom said those exact words.....

Even my mother always used to say that live your life fully but I was always complaining on some matters. She used to worry about me the most as I was not stable in my job and used to talk about quitting it often. She always used to say, love your job as it gives you bread and butter. 

I was unfortunate not to be with her in last few mins. 

Avi, the fact that you were close enough with your mother to share your negative feelings about your job shows real intimacy, which I think is what loving mothers treasure above all else.  So hard accepting that we will not hear that beloved voice giving advice or (in my case at least) unearned compliments.  

Here’s an example of the latter.  After my husband’s death in 2016 my mother often praised me for eating proper meals when I was alone.  At the time I found it kind of droll to be complimented for eating, now I really realize how wonderful it was to have someone care about that.  

Your post reminded me more generally of how sweet motherly advice can be.  One thing my mother often asked, when I was getting ready for a party, was how tall would the guests be...because, if they weren’t VERY tall and time was short, I could skip cleaning the top of the refrigerator.  Thank you for bringing back these memories, they bring tears but also a kind of joy.

Good morning Adams. It is 9:40 AM in India and I am at my job and trying to concentrate hard as my Mom always wanted. 

I have almost stopped complaining of anything in life now as I have already lost my most precious gift. Now what ever I have is privilege. 

My mom worried about every detail of my life. There are some who would say that is intrusive. I felt that she was just being a mom. I miss that so much. I had the flu last year. I was laying in that bed and all I could hear was silence. My mom would have checked on me frequently. If the batter in my car dies in a random parking lot, no one would care. My mom would care greatly. I just don't know how to say goodbye to that.

Agree Brett. Completely. My mother used to worry about small things and I used to get irritated sometimes. But now I miss it

Avi, I feel like you are going through a rough time right now. You're not alone. One of the great things about a site like this is that you are a world away but I know who you are and I know that you are missing your mom just as much as I am. You're not alone, buddy. I'm with you. Post here when you need to talk. I can't remember, of all the people who post here, who is going through their first Christmas without their mom. And to be honest, I can't say the first Christmas is the hardest. They are all hard. My first Christmas was the night my mom died. So, the second year was really the first. The advantage of that first year is that the memory of your mom is so much fresher. My memories are still fresh but I am three years removed from hearing her voice, or looking into her eyes. What is most unfortunate about the following years is that, the farther you are away from her death, the more people will assume that you have healed. That can be very hard. Some people that I have met after my mom's death will say, "How long ago was it?" When I say three years, they kind of act like, "Oh, you're fine." I am not fine. I don't know how long grief takes. I know that we will always miss our moms, but I am talking about the duration of intense pain, if not agony. I don't know when that ends. I do know that it varies from person to person. And probably depends on your support system. after my mom died, it would have been a dream come true if I could have snapped my fingers as had a loving wife and children. I also realize that those relationships are not always perfect either. No one gets out of this without scars. I am just a little boy who misses his mom with all of my heart.

Yes Brett. A bit of rough phase but coping up to do things as mentioned by Selv. To do work to earn and other things. 

One thing which is driving me is my angel (my 4 months daughter). Her name is Kiana and her smile is my driving force to live. I wish I can live at least for 20-25 years, give her a good life and then meet my mother. She will also like me to fulfil my responsibility before meeting her in heaven(in english) or Swarg (in hindi). In India, we call heaven as Swarg (place where good people go). 

Avi, I wish you more than 20-25 years. No girl should lose their daddy when she is still so young.

I hope that you are well, Daylight.

HI Daylight. 

Thanks. 

Any one who want to talk on skype, please feel free to contact me at avitiwari26@gmail.com

Isolated, alone, and unprotected, may be the best description I have heard.

I think we don’t realize how much strength we’re drawing from that steady base of unquestioning love, until death intervenes.  Never imagined myself feeling so unprotected and fearful — even sounds outside scare me.  

That word (Unprotected) really resonates with me. My mom was my rock. No matter how old I became, I was always her little boy. I still am. The world seems like a cold place without her. And you learn the difference between total, unconditional love, and the reality of what is left to us. I have friends and extended family, but they have their own families. after my mom died I always felt like I was at arm's length from others. 

I have also distanced myself from some. There are people in my life that I have realized, just maybe do not care as much as I thought they would have. That's why I have said here before, sometimes we have to be our own advocate. It's not ideal, but if you look around, and there is no one there to lend you a hand, you have to try to stand up on your own. That's not ideal. Sometimes that's what we are left with though. 

You sound just like me. Lost at a mall. Waiting outside of my school for my mom to come pick me up. Expecting her to come home from a trip. Mom had been there for me my whole entire life. She never let me down.

We can't have that back. This is one set of circumstances that my mom can't overcome. Hopefully, if I can keep standing up, eventually I will be able to stand on my own two feet. And I'll tell you, the easy thing to do would be to let the grief overtake you, to just roll up in a little ball and give up. It even sounds good, but life doesn't allow that. We have to stand up. We have to keep moving. Our sanity depends on it.

Agreed, Daylight.  I often think about how appalled my mom and my husband would be by my current state.  But I would say that the feeling of total desolation will change, based on my experience with my husband’s death, thirty months ago.  In that case I could see improvement in my functionality, energy, etc., particularly last summer, when I started having more positive memories of my life with my husband, instead of constant painful and traumatic feelings of loss, and more energy for life — then my mother, who had been improving, suddenly died, and I have kind of gone backwards since then.  So I think there is for most people a process.

Hi Daylight

India is 8.30 hours ahead of Argentina. We can talk at your early morning whenever you want. 

Feeling of desolation still exists for me but I try to be strong and do things (work, travel, eating etc) with sincerity. 

I lost my mother on 9-6-15 eight days before I lost my husband on 9-14-15 and I feel horrible because I am struggling with how I am grieving for my mother because we had a very strained relationship because my mother was an alcoholic all her life and was physically and emotionally abusive when I was growing up I also know that she lied to me about who my father is and she never told me the truth and when she passed away I felt anger because of how she left things and now I feel like I don't belong and I cant find forgiveness for her I loved my mother and I do miss her but still feel horrible because I haven't grieved for her I feel  like there is something wrong with me I am so broken losing my husband but losing my mother has left me feeling lost can someone please give me advice on what to do  

Pamela, you are grieving for your mother. You may not be able to see it but I can. My father was horrible. I did not grieve his death. I barely gave it a second thought. You are grieving your mom, and you are grieving the way things were. The advice I would give you is this... there is no way to change the past. If you can, wish her peace. Talk out loud to her. Tell her what you feel. Tell her that you love her anyway, and wish her peace. It's not really about forgiveness. It's about letting go and finding peace.

You had a horrible experience. To lose them both in nearly a weeks time would be incredibly traumatic. We are always here if we can help you.

Dear Mother,

On 15 March 2018

You departed this world.

Watching you take the last breath

Cremating your body thereafter

Collecting your ashes and

Scattering them into the sea

Have broken me...totally!

Having nurtured me with love and care

Unconditionally...

For more than half a century

Your absence makes me drown

In an ocean of tears...

You mattered most to me

But now nothing matters...as much!

Waiting patiently

To complete my sojurn on Earth

Embrace eternal sleep

To return home to you, Ma!

Your soulmate loving daughter

Thanks, SelV. I wish there was something I could say something to make you feel better. I wish there was something you could say to make me feel better.

Dear Brett,

You and I

Lived with our mothers or

They lived with us

For a long long time

For better, for worse

In sickness and in health

Until Mr D parted them from us!

You and I

Are trying to cope with the trauma of

Watching our mothers taking their last breath

Are trying to cope with the grief of

Losing the very most important person in our lives!

You and I

Are the little girl or little boy

Still yearning for the love and care

That Mama showered us!

The ‘umbilical cord’ is still attached.

Maybe what we need is

Someone or anyone

In the same boat as us

Who can give us their time

To bare our souls completely

To cry our hearts out

And talk about our Mama

No advising, No judging

Just listening.

You are a very good son

Who has given your mother

The loving tender care

None of your siblings 

Had that opportunity

It is a blessing...

It is divine love!

Yes, it's true that I was blessed to take care of my mom, but that only makes saying goodbye harder. Losing our moms is never easy for anyone, but for some of us who find our way here, our moms may have been the center of our lives. That's how it was for me. And almost as soon as she died, those Christmas decorations looked very different. They looked cold, and very old. They reminded me of Christmases that had passed instead of Christmas present.This time of year reminds me of so many things, and it's like if I close my eyes, it's almost like I'm back there, but I'm not. I'm here.

There is always hope that tomorrow will lead me one step closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. That happiness in this life is still possible. That's my hope.

I am sure that I am not the only person here who feels this way. When my mom died I entered a dark period in my life, and I am still there. Deserved or not, I am still there. I pray a lot. I know I'm going to wake up in the morning and the first thought I'm going to have his, "Mom's not here anymore." It's time to move past this. It's not as easy as just knowing that.

I won't give up. I'll keep praying and keep hoping.

What's hard is that, even if we don't celebrate it, the rest of the world will. I can't get away from the Christmas music and decorations. That's okay. The world shouldn't stop celebrating Christmas just because it makes me sad. Life goes on.

I realize that everyone dies and that God doesn't have it in for me, but of course it all seems unfair. It's just too great of a loss.

I know it will be hard, Theresa.

Hi Selv, 

Your words really touched me as I also cremated my mother and scattered them in holy river of Ganga. I live in India so here the ashes are mostly scattered in holy river. 

Like you I also wish to complete my journey on this earth and then go back and see my mother. In India, Christmas is celebrated beautifully as well similar to Western countries and all are indulged in planning trip to coastal areas and new year parties. Whereas I sit and feel the guilt of not taking care of my mother, not fulfilling her wishes. Time is hard but this is how the life is. 

I have also started praying a bit and I wish you all find peace. One thing which has helped me guys is helping the underprivileged people around me. I try to spread education and also food if feasible. 

Three days Brett, it will come and it will go, I just want time to go fast for once.

Eight more days for you also, I'm sure you feel the same, like going over and over that day in your head, shamefully I can't remember because I was in so much shock.

My cousin told me I called her to sit with my my because I had to go home to get something, I would be right back, I do not even remember that. 

Sorry should say sit with my mom.

I'm a bit nervous about the mass this morning, I just want this day over.

I figured I would go to the mass, stop at the small place where she used to go everyday for her friends and she was friends with with owners, and then I will go to the gravesite to make sure the arrangement I put down at Thanksgiving is still intact.