Hi All, 

I hope you are fighting well with your grief. Last week it was Diwali festival in India so was stuck up in family events etc. All were enjoying and I was just doing what was expected from me.

Good to hear from you Avi. I think about all of you and hope you are doing well. I worry about my sister Theresa. I have a feeling that I know what you are going through. I think I am going through the same thing.

Bluebell, I hope you are well, physically and emotionally. Stay strong.

Virginia, be good to yourself today.

God Bless you all.

Brett, if you are available on skype please send me request at avitiwari26@gmail.com. 

Lets have a call someday. 

  Today I texted a lady from bereavement group and asked what she was doing.  I was going to ask if she wanted to get something to eat.  She mistakenly sent me a text that was intended for her boyfriend.  She told him that she just got a text from me and was afraid to answer because she thought I might ask to come over and “I can’t do that”.  I told her I got that text and that I wouldn’t bother her anymore.  Of course she sent several texts with excuses and that all of them in the group really care about me.  Yeah, I can tell.  I told her not to feel bad and that even my own friends don’t want me around.  I must be being punished.

  I went to church tonight and it’s all so confusing to me.  All of it.  Is that bad?  Do I have to agree with everything?  Why is it only once a week?     I didn’t know where else to go.  

Virginia, every one of us is that person. All my life I was the funny kid in school and at work. I've heard it my whole life, "You don't have to entertain me." What a honking load of crap that was. When the jokes dried up, the friends dried up. I don't even like to call people because I know they are tired of hearing about how much I miss my mom, or my troubles since then. They don't want to deal with it. I think they see us an Amway salesmen who found a way into their houses.

But to put on a false face is a lie. You have to be who you are, where you are. And if people don't want to hear it, or they don't like being around you, than just try to be strong for yourself. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I don't care if it's sadness or if it's guilt, It's all a product of loving our moms so much. I'll never be ashamed of that.

I'll just make-do the best I can.

Yes Brett rightly said, people around us will not understand the grief or guilt. 

Virginia, this was unfortunate but a bit hilarious as well. I can understand how hard that lady would have tried to convince you but all futile. 

Avi I think you are doing great, better than I was at the point you are at, but you have a new child that helps you put your attention on.  You seem to be very kind, I don't know how to skype if I did I would lol

Brett, yes I am going through the exact same feelings you are at this time my friend, I wish we lived closer we could go to church together, it would be nice to have someone to do that with.

Virginia, we never know what people say behind closed doors, I would not write her off as a friend, just know that she is not who you thought she was.  Avi is right thats funny she lied on top of lies, and you knew the truth, as the Doors said "People are Strange" I don't know if anyone even knows who the Doors are, but Brett and myself, lol.  

Let everyone of us today say a prayer for each other that we may find peace in the rest of our lives without the most important person by our side and know that one day we shall meet again.

know that one day we shall meet again.

These lines motivate me to live. Thanks Theressa. Just install Skype app in your mobile if you use smart phone and then add me as a contact. Rest is very simple. 

Theresa, I wish I could go to church with you. Church is very emotional for me. It's a combination of sadness and a feeling that I am close to my mom there. I cry a lot at church. Not out loud, but I try to sit in the back now. I don't know if people would understand. I think there is a lot of, "He lost his mom three years ago." I don't think many people can understand why time doesn't matter. I have not come very far in my journey.

I also talk to God now at my home or in temple. It makes me feel that I am talking to my mom. 

I did not receive any signals which make me feel that my mother is nearby but I still believe that she can listen me. 

Avi I believe when you are talking to God your mom hears you she is right there.

I also do not get any signals, but pay closer attention.

I was praying to her one night because someone close to me is not well, and I said please mom help, please ask God, and I was doing this as I was putting clothes in the dryer and on the bottom of the washer was a bright shiny penny, and I said you do hear me mom don't you, she used to have a large jug filled with pennies.  Or maybe its just because it fell out of a pocket, but I didn't see anything in there with a pocket, however its all in the way you want to perceive it I guess.

I am thinking God is trying to tell me I deserve to be alone.  

Theresa I know the Doors but don’t like them.  Im old.

And I think the penny was from your Mom.

Brett, I liked your line, “honking load of crap”.  

And who cares what others think.  Cry whenever you want as long as you want.  

Has anyone read any books on Heaven that gave hope?

I am realizing the only people that truly love me are my family.

So how am I expected to live without them?

I love the Doors. Jim Morrison is just the coolest. And I love that song. It's about feeling alone in a crowd. I can relate.

Virginia, why would God tell you that you deserve to be alone? I think it is quite the opposite. You are telling yourself that you deserve to be alone. If you are anything like me, you feel alone because the center of your life, the person who loves you the most is gone. Anyone would feel alone. The one person I couldn't bear to lose is gone. And there are no phone calls, no letters, no weekend visits, she's just gone. Is she aware of me? Maybe so, but I can't feel that.

I have read books about heaven but we won't know for sure until we get there. The bible says very little about what heaven is actually like. Jesus did promise in the Sermon on the Mount that there would be comfort for those who mourn. I believe that. Jesus said that God is spirit. I believe that in heaven, we will be given a true understanding of what God is. I think every tree, every blade of grass, is alive, and that you will feel a part of it all. I believe that's what God is.I have no idea what goes on there, though I am pretty sure it beats the crap out of this life. All I know is that my mother is there. That makes me long for the day that I get to be with her. I think that when we die, Jesus himself greets us, and that you will never feel so loved, and so forgiven as when you are face to face with him. I think in that moment it all makes sense. And that it will make sense forever. And best of all, we never have to say goodbye again.

You know, the grass is always greener on the other side. You say that the only people who love you are your family. Well, you're one up on me.

We do live without them. We are doing so right now. It may not feel like living, but remember this, every second that ticks away is one second closer to going home. The clock starts ticking the second we are born. Every day that passes is one day of your life that is behind you. You are closer to heaven with each passing day.

Bluebell, I miss you.

Some songs have popped into my head for no reason but that are appropriate.  I don’t even listen to the radio anymore so it’s not like I heard them recently.  I wasn’t trying to think of songs either.  First it was I can’t smile without you by Barry Manilow, then People who need people by Barbara Streisand, now today, A Mother and Child Reunion by Paul Simon and I sure hope that one means something and soon.

Virginia, you so often end your posts with something ominous. You are trying to say something and it is coming across loud and clear. Don't wish yourself dead. Try to live while you're alive. Find joy where you can. Never give up.

There’s no joy without her and I wouldn’t want any.

its the only answer

Virginia, do you think I feel any joy right now? I don't. But I think about how much my mom loved me and how much it would hurt her if i harmed myself. She could not have led a happy life if she knew that was in my future. She would have held on to life with all her might so that I would not be without her, but that wasn't an option. As much as my mom loved me, her body broke down. She had to go. I told her that I would be okay because she needed to hear that. And now, I am going to do everything possible to be okay because I want to fulfill that promise. And more than that, I deserve to be okay, and you deserve to be okay. Those negative voices that you are hearing are your enemy. The answer is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Find happiness where you can. Make someone happy. Be nice to a total stranger. Never give up. We will be with our mom's again, but let it be in God's time.

Hi Brett

Your words give me hope that I will be with my mom someday. This is enough motivation to live. 

Virginia, sometimes we do feel that God has done lot of injustice to us but if you look around there are people who suffer lot more than us. Not sure if our mothers can see us, but if yes then she will be upset to see you getting demotivated to live. Family is important but you can consider anybody as your family if you wish to including me as your younger brother, friend anything. 

Avi, You can’t say one person is suffering more than another.  Everyone is different and you don’t know what’s in their heart.

Brett, if you don’t have joy what makes you get up everyday?

Virginia, sorry if my words touched you. I just wanted to say that we may have few reasons more than others to live. 

Virginia, we are all suffering if we were not we would not be human, at times our cross is very heavy, but you have to remember God is always beside you.

Your mom needs to know you will be alright so she can rest in peace, believe me, my mother and I had a very strong bond afterall she had me at 42, she was all I had and I was all she had. 

My situation is a bit different my mom was gone in a blink of an eye, no warning, nothing, no illness, not one thing, it was like someone hit me with a bat in the face, I didn't get to say I love you mom.....

I took me three years and my faith to say ok God does everything for a reason, I miss her every single day of my life and I know that will not change ever, but please try to have faith and tell God you love her and ask him to please give you strength.  And tell your mom you love her and you will see her again one day after you have lived your life like she did.  My mom used to say just in conversation "honey I lived my life, you have to live yours".

:)

Virginia, I get up every day because I am my mother's son. I am fighting to be well for her and for myself. My mom lives on through me. I can hear it in my voice and see it in my mannerisms. my mom struggled mightily for the last several years of her life, but she kept fighting for her life. She didn't give up. I will do the same.

Brett, you are your mother's gift to the world.  

Thank You!! That choked me up a little bit. My mom and I were a matched set though. It's hard to imagine one without the other. I still can't imagine it.

Hi guys just sending my love and prayers to everyone this holiday season. These times can be especially difficult. Im glad Thanksgiving is over. It wasnt a good day for me. My aloha to everyone ❤️❤️❤️ 

Thank Crystal, I hate Holidays, glad its over too....

I also never paid gratitude to  my mom for what all she did for me. Took her for granted. I wish I could go back in time and pay thanks to my mother but unfortunately this will not happen. 

I said thank you to my mom over and over in the last days. I still feel horrible.

Dear all...I posted way back in April this year. I do not post regularly but I do read all the new posts in this group. I do feel you guys. Come Dec 15, it will be 9 months since my mum passed on.  I was her caregiver for almost 11 years. She lived me with me. Never a day went by, without me crying or bawling for her. Her bedroom is intact and clothes still in her wardrobe. I hug her clothes and call out for her. Sometimes, I sleep on her bed. I dress up her bolster in her clothes and hug them tight as I go to bed. I have not let her go. How to? When she always had my back for more than five decades. She saw me taking my first breath and I was the only one  who saw her taking the last breath. That itself was very traumatic. My siblings tell me to move on...she is in a better place...her sufferings are over. Maybe but my mum's death has burnt my heart and killed my spirit. Everyday, I just go through the motions. The day my mum died, I 'died'. She was more than a mother to me. I feel like I lost my best friend forever. She is my true love...unconditional! 

SelV, you didn't die when your mom died. You can still feel everything that is happening to you.

Don’t tell her she didn’t die.  I feel dead and maybe so does she.  If nothing matters, might as well be dead.  If you don’t want to experience anything without them...don’t want to tell things to anyone else...don’t have any feelings for anything else...might as well be

Virginia

Stop it!!!!

We are all in the same situation here, you have got to stop because you mom will not be able to rest in peace trust me.

Look my mom died before I could get there she went in CA, imagine if you were me pulling into the hospital and getting a call from a nurse saying "your mom is is full cardiac arrest, do you want us to do CPR" WTF, I couldn't get out the car fast enough, but too late, never said I love you mom, I live with that every single day of my life, now I have an 11 1/2 year old Labrador who is getting closer to the end of his life, I keep saying to myself ok, this will be "the new normal"

I don't like people anymore, when they are happy I'm like wish I could be like that, but then I think of my mom always happy and compassionate, giving, I need to wake up!

I lean on my faith 100%, I pray please help me God, please, and I'm sure he is, and I know I will see her again, when it is my time.

Dear all...let's go easy on everyone here.

The gravity of our grief is correlated to the extent of our relationship with our mothers as well as the circumstances of their death. The guilt and regrets will always be there.

We come to this virtual community to share our pain because out there in the real world people could be judgemental. We could be burdening them or dragging them down with our grief. They probably had enough. 

Brett, you are right...I am alive and could still feel otherwise I will not be crying for my mum. The grief is stronger than me. I am not living but just merely existing because I am still breathing. I pine and yearn for my mother like a little girl everyday. 

Meanwhile, everyone...let's support each other with kind words until we can wrap up our mortal business in this world.

Have a nice weekend everyone.

After I loss my mom I told a few people that I died when my mom did. I was wrong. I still got hungry and cold. I still love my dog. It's a reality that we all have to live with. We are alive. What we do with that life is up to us.

Every day, we can look for even the smallest inkling of joy, or we can just let the grief consume us. We have a choice to make. It may not seem like we have a choice. There are some things that are unavoidable. Yearning for our moms like a child, missing our moms, that may always be, but if we choose to punish ourselves, there will come a time when even good people people will walk away from us because they know that we are wrong to do so. They know that our mothers would not blame us for their deaths. The reality is that everyone dies. We may be prepared for our own death, but we will probably never be prepared for the death of the person we love the most.

Coincidentally I was just writing something about a strange slip of the tongue that was happening to me after my husband died.  It eventually stopped, then started happening again in the weeks after my mother's recent death -- found myself saying 'when I died' instead of 'when he died,' or 'when she died.'  I guess this feeling of having died is part of the experience when we lose someone that we are so bonded with, that some part of us doesn't distinguish between self and the beloved person, and suddenly we have to acknowledge that separation, but it may take time to catch up with the new reality.

SeLV, you are right that we should all encourage each other, but we have to be responsible as well. I will not encourage the notion that life isn't worth living. 

Oh well Brett...I am not an authority on life and death and I do not subscribe to any organised religions. All I know is that I lived in my mum's womb for 9-10 months and she had all always been there for me after I came out from her till her last breath. So when she died she took part of me away. I cannot quantify the part in fraction or percentage.

For those whose lives revolved around our mothers especially as caregivers, 24/7, the loss of our mothers and the accompanying pain cannot be explained by mere words. So we cry, feel guilty, express our regrets, get angry and sometimes think, say or write things without thinking due to overwhelming grief. This process comes and go, comes and go. 

The purpose of life is to live. The worthiness of it is an individual perception based on one's life experiences.

Right now, I exist because I have not made peace with myself and have not come to terms with my mother's death. I had her with me for almost 57 years...the good, the bad and the ugly!

Good day everyone!

SeLV, I completely understand and I wasn't referring to you. We have a group of people who have posted here for a long time. The support has been great, but I know that I feel a responsibility to speak up if I have any shot of actually helping someone. We are a little family. I have a brother who is a drug addict. You should hear how I talk to him. I supported and encouraged him as long as I could. When I realized that he wasn't going to listen, I had to walk away. I told him that if he was going to kill himself it wouldn't be with me watching.

Theresa was right to tell Virginia to stop. We have all lost our moms. We are all hurting, and we are all trying to keep our heads above water.

Virginia, your fatalistic attitude is dangerous. And it can be as dangerous as my brother's drug addiction. You have conveyed many veiled threats of suicide. There is nothing that any one of us can do from behind a computer screen. All we can do is beg you not to do it. There comes a point that, if you are going to continue this, you need to talk to your therapist, and you need to tell him or her that you don't think life is worth living.

Posting things like, "Don't tell her she's not dead", is not helping anyone. You are among a group of people who are hurting, who also lost their moms. You are very much alive. If you don't believe me, touch an oven burner with your hand, and then tell me that you're not alive. Wake up! Be your own advocate. Fight for your life! Fight for happiness. Hug your dog. Do whatever it takes to begin the healing process. You have given yourself a self imposed punishment that will only drag you down into a dark pit. You know that, but you do it anyway because you think you deserve it. You are a victim. You are the victim of a traumatic event, the loss of your mom. We all are victims of something that we could not control. But there is life yet to be lived, whether we want it or not. I hope that you can get it through your head that you were in any way responsible for your mom's death, and that life is worth living, but if you don't, just like my brother, it won't be with me watching. 

Luis, my mom died of COPD as well. That is a horrible thing to watch. You have made a lot of progress. Being loved by someone is the greatest blessing in the world. You have your daughter and now you have a good man. God Bless you.

My mom was my North Star as well. Just about everything you wrote hits home.

The holidays are so hard. My mom died on Christmas Eve. I found out she was going to die on Thanksgiving day. Her sister called me and told me no to think about that. I told her, "How can I not think about it? I watched my mom die by the light of a Christmas tree." I sat with my mom's body, listening to Christmas music, until the funeral home came for her. Because it was Christmas eve it took about two hours. I just sat there. Her little dogs were curled up next to her not knowing what had happened. I will never forget. There is no way to not think about it.

As for your dad... you are right. I don't think he can help it. I am sure that you feel an obligation as his daughter, but you also have to take care of yourself. There are people in life who will try to rob you of your joy. If you do continue to have a relationship with him, be patient, but do not give him the power to take away the progress that you have made.

Thanks for the wonderful post Lia. 

Lia, that was a wonderful post. Something I learned is that we may put too much stock in the prognosis that Hospice gives us. We sort of assign a time table. If the doctor says six weeks, we think six weeks, and it is shocking when/if our loved one dies sooner. My mom was not on Hospice very long. I thought we would have more time.

I think our moms would want us to be happy, and they would like for us to to laugh and remember them fondly, even on the day of their death. That is so hard to do though. I wasn't able to do that. Three years later I still am not able to do that, but I am trying. All we can do is try.

Well looks like I got everyone angry.  I thought we were supposed to tell all our thoughts here.  I know they do on the spouse group.  Especially since I know at least one of you had the same thoughts at one time.  

You can all calm down.  I won’t post on this group anymore.

Virginia, the truth is that your post was very carefully worded, and you will be checking in every day to see if it had the desired effect. I just don't have the time or energy to play these games. 

Virginia we are not angry, we are just concerned, but, maybe you need professional help.   

I really don't know what else to say to make things better.

I have been moving for the past two days and I am exhausted, I'm drained literally, I just wanted to check in while I had a second.  

Hi everyone. Just now I had a chance to read through recent posts. I want to tell everyone how grateful I am that this group is here. Over the past 15 months since my Mom passed I feel that the world has moved on from her death while it feels like yesterday to me. It is a relief to read these posts and be reminded that feeling the way I do is normal even after a year. Brett I remember reading your posts from the past, when you said that the second year after your Mom was gone was harder than the first, because for the first year you felt sort of numb or like you were in a state of shock. Looking into this second year without my Mom, especially the holidays, sometimes feels like looking into a dark and scary abyss.

I have to work hard to trust God and believe that I will be ok without her, and that His mercy and grace will carry me through now and for the rest of my life. 

I do think that these things I've done recently for the first time without my Mom, like moving to a new house, getting into a new serious relationship, now with someone whom my Mom will never meet...They have unearthed more grief. 

I would give almost anything for one more Christmas, one more phone call...

But I know that we all leave this earth in God's time. I also believe that God graces us and shows us mercy through people and relationships that enter our lives. We are here for eachother now, in this online support group. We are all still here and alive, sharing this experience. It brings me comfort. It really does.

Acceptance of our new reality, being at peace with the past and with ourselves, learning to be happy and grateful for the lives that we have...to focus on all of our blessings and not take them for granted...these are things that we have to choose; we have to fight for them. 

Luisa, the second year was harder than the first. Partly because the first year was all surreal. It was like my mom was away on a business trip. Also, when Christmas came, so many people supported me because they knew that my mom had died on Christmas Eve. This will be my third Christmas and people have stopped calling, maybe a couple of people will call, but most have moved on. If my memories of my mom have faded somewhat, I know they have faded for other people. People move on. I don't want to be selfish, but I wish they hadn't. I am nowhere near finished grieving.

I completely understand what you mean about your mom never meeting you boyfriend. I actually feel that way about my dog. She's getting old and I still remember the way my mom would baby talk her. She loved her. One day she will pass. And I can't imagine having a dog that my mom doesn't know. That may sound odd but it makes complete sense to me.

You are doing great! You are living your life. Jesus said that we cannot plow a straight row if we keep looking backwards. I still look back more than I look forwards. That's my problem. I don't want it to be yours or anyone else's. You can love and remember you mom with all of your heart and still look forwards.

I am proud of you, Luisa. You will be okay without your mom. You have work to do. You are a mom yourself. Looking into the holiday's is like looking into an abyss, but don't go in there alone. You have two willing hands to hold on to (your daughter and your boyfriend). Hold on tight, and keep moving forwards.