Valerie, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through.  Your mom, your teeth, your anxiety and the person you were seeing.  Losing our mom has been a horrible experience for all of us.  Too much pain, pain that does not go away, tears always coming out of our eyes, sadness.  We are suffering a lot and wishing she is with us again. We miss our mom a lot.  The person you were seeing does not deserve you.  Take care of yourself.   

Thank you margie. Yes i was just crying again, i am so scared about my teeth, and disbelief my mom isnt here. I know how hard this is on you too. I am here if you need someone to talk to.

Ecclesiastes 7:3
“Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.”

Ecclesiastes 7:4

“The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.” 

King James Version (KJV)

I don't laugh like I did when my mom was here.   More sadness than happiness right now.  My heart is too hurt to laugh like I did in the past when I was with mom.  I just can't do it anymore. I miss my mom too much.  I have changed.

I know Margie, i keep calling my brother and telling him i cant do it anymore either. I am not the same either, and i dont find much to laugh about, her and i would laugh alot. But we have to keep trying, i know how it feels when you feel like you cant do it anymore. But we have to keep trying, thats when it has to be an hour at a time or a min.

I didn't anticipate how difficult the holiday season would be. I am finding it very rough. It is hard to believe she is gone.

Megan, I am feeling like you.  It is hard to know that she is not here. Seeing the Christmas decorations make me sad.  Knowing that I can't go to visit her and give her the gifts make me cry.  I want to have my mom with me.  I want to see her dancing for me.  She was adorable.  I miss her so much.

It is rough. i just keep hanging on to god for help.

Yes, this is my first Christmas without mom.  I can't stop thinking about her and crying.  I can't stop thinking about the day she passed away.  I can't stop thinking about the day I saw her in bed dead.  I kissed her many, many times.  I hugged her very, very tight and didn't want the funeral home people take her body away from me. It was October the 8th. After her death I had a lot of dreams about her. I want her with me.  This is going to be a sad Christmas for me.  

My Mama flew away eleven months ago. I am healing...this is the hardest part of being human, death. We grieve our lives, our memories, our love. All I know is that this path is sacred and our tears our a sign that love is present. Cry me a river...love to you all. Here is something I wrote 2 days ago:

How do I put into words my profound feelings of grief. I no longer have a ground to walk on. I cannot show you love in all the ways I did before. I  don't know who I am anymore without you. You gave me life...You were always going to be here for me. What happened? Did you know all along that you would be leaving so soon? If only that brought me more comfort, to know it was your soul plan. I am not there yet. My humanity is split into a million painful pieces. How long will it take me to put myself back together again? In so many ways. Mama, you were my reason to get up every morning. I had a plan to show you love, to help you be happy. It was what I was good at. Loving you was what I was good at. Even then, I felt invisible. But at least I had you to cling to. We were healing together Mama. I wanted more time for healing with you. I feel like I have spent all my life just trying to catch up. There has been so much trauma and pain and yet I still try to be okay. We all do. Now you are gone and have left a huge hole in my heart. I didn't need anymore pain Mama. I didn't need anymore suffering. I thought life was bringing us peace. All our talks about prosperity and peace. I truly thought that you were going to be able to relax for once. You have had a crazy hard life. I felt it was your turn for peace. Maybe that is why you left? You finally are at peace....It is me that hurts now. You are finally at peace....oh Mama, you deserve peace...

Charity, thank you for sharing it with us.  It is very inspirational.  You wrote from your heart.  When you said, "How long it will take me to put myself together", I told myself, "That is exactly what I have been asking myself."  I am not the same.  I also have a big hole in my heart.  It is very hard.

Charity, your words touched me i feel the same way. Margie i just feel for you too, its all so painful sad and to hard. My heart bleeds for us all.

And agree this is the hardest part of life losing our moms. I dont even recognize me or my life right now. All i know is sadness and pain, but i will hang on to god for help.

And i am so glad we have a place here to say how we are really feeling, and people who know exactly what were going through.

Yes, Valerie, I agree that it is the most difficult thing I have ever been through. I know that my husband and friends try to understand, but they won't be able to until it happens to them. I am so grateful to be able to speak with you all. xx

Thank you Valerie and Margie...my Mama has almost been gone a year now. Time is so strange in grief. I have healed enough to work and enter back into life but My heart is still so wounded and raw. I think differently, I feel different, I think I look different. I get sick easier and sore all over. I am sure you all know how I feel. We never GET OVER it. Our beloved Mamas will always be in spirit and not body. That is so hard to process. I just give myself grace everyday to feel whatever comes up and to listen to my body and soul. May you all do the same. May you always know that your beloved Mamas are in your hearts and not gone. I weep with you....

Megan,

I just finished reading the message you found on facebook.  Thank you for posting it.  I'm always remembering the good moments I had with mom, but it does not matter how beautiful they were, I always cry.  She was so adorable.  I miss her so much.  We will always live with a big hole in our hearts.  That's the way life is now, different, very different.  Learning how to live this way is very hard for me.  I feel like mom has taken me with her.  

Charity, yes i have been reading what grief does to our bodies, it really takes its toll on us. And yes we can all cry together.

Megan, thank for sharing that post with us i am going to put it on my facebook page.

Margie, i know how you feel my life will never ever be the same . I cry about the good memories, the bad images from the end the  the big hole in my heart. I still find it hard to accept that she isnt here physically, i dont think i ever will. I am greatful for everyone here.

I am 53, my mom was 71. She told me and hospice that she felt she had atleast 3 yrs she wasnt really even sick yet , breathing wasnt great, but was doing ok when hospice came to sign us up. She told them we didnt really need them yet and she was doing it for support for me. and she was fine til i got a respritory virus, she got it a few days after me, and hospice started to giver he her morhpine just for breathing, and it was making her completely out of it, and she didnt want anymore, and they kept giving it to her, i felt she couldnt cough up what she needed to for the virus, and then they took her to a hospice home, where they witheld water food, just kept her unconcious, til she drowned on her fluids. I didnt realize they werent going to give her fluids until it was to late. She kept wanting to get up but they wouldnt let her just sedated her more. I know she ould have died eventually from the cancer, but i know she didnt want to go yet, but maybe this did save her from months of pain and suffering, but i never understood this was how hospice worked, and i wish i would have just called 911 and had her taken to a hospital. I know i already told you guys that in august we were told of an image of a nodule 1.3 from a ct scan,  and we were never told of it. til a xray was taken in the hospital july when they werent giving her inhaler that she regularly used at home for asthma, i had to insist they give it to her and then the x ray that showed a 4.6 mass to close to her heart to operate and they said the chemo would just make her sick for what time she had left, but they did give her a yr, but as i know hospice overdosed her on morphine.  there has been a ongoing investigation as to why we were not told of the nodule january 4th 2015, at a time and size something could have been done. I will never get over losing my mom, or missing her, and the pain is like a nightmare. I dont understand why we have to suffer the loss of our mothers here on earth. I know we on here no that pain.

 Garrett did your sister have her baby yet?

valerie cox: reading your post made me angry.  I can relate , its very frustrating to me that the hospice cant do anything but to give morphine. My mother didnt have the strength to cough up something and during her last day or two, she wasnt able to talk . Patients shouldnt be picking up virus at a hosptial.  Its impossible to know what they are really going through when they cant express themselves, its heartbreaking.  I would be vbery upset if i knew that my motehr could have lived longer and there was something else they could have done. I hope you can find some answer and closure.

Megan: I am sorry to hear about your loss. It has almost been 2 years for me , I used to cry everyday. I dont anymore but it doesnt mean i am better, i dont think there is "better", theres too many regrets , too many "what if" and i have a lifetime wondering why my mother was taken from me so soon.

Thank you Casey. i too have many regrets and what if's. I am so sorry for your loss.

Maybe i said it wrong, but my mom got the virus from me, she hadnt been sick at all from the cancer yet, and i just felt she could get rid of the virus if they had not sedated her to that extent, yes her breathing got bad with the virus, and she felt panicked, they were giving her ativan, but then 2 days before they said we are afraid to mention the M word meaning morphine and we said no, but then they said its such a small dose it wont do much, so we did it, like a 8th of a syringe. That evening she was so bad off, i had to call them again, and the came out and the nurse said to the dr on the phone or whoever it was that my mom was having a panick attack, and they gave her a full syringe then they said the next morning when my mom was so out of it she was calling for help trying to get up but couldnt even open her eyes they came again took her to the hospice house,i forgot to mention the she was coming to a little and was awake but confused, when the came to take her they told me they would get her situated on the medicines, and thats what i wanted i didnt want this over dose thing, i trusted them. But she was only there a day and a half and passed. When i first went to the hospice house, they said your mom is here to give you a break? i said are you kidding me NO, they are getting her medicines right, i dont need a break!

Awww thank you Casey. I am sending you a big hug!

A day like today I was supposed to be traveling to Florida to see my adorable mom, but here I am at home thinking about her, sad, with no desire to do anything, kissing her picture, telling her that I love her and that I miss her so much and crying.  Huge difference.  Why is she gone? It has been two months and twelve days.  I can't stop thinking about her.  

Tough week for all.

Valerie: I can relate. My father had a stroke was getting ready to go to rehab, he got restless one night and he was given an injection of ativan, went into a coma and passed three later. The only reason we found out he was given the ativan was because the lady who was visiting the person next to him told us that is what happened to her husband and surely enough when we asked, that is what they had done. So sad!

My mother suffered a fall, was taken to the hospital nothing was broken, but after that she could hardly walk. They had done so many test with radiation i believe that hurt her. She had to go back to the hospital for a blood clot. The treatment was barbaric. Then her doctor told me that if we put her in hospice at home it would help me take care of her. In less than one week she was gone.

The health care system has turned into a giant money making machine and sometimes the patient comes second. That is my personal opinion.

May God give us all the strength to bear this cross in this very special week when Christ was born.

Yes, Casey. I think you are right, I am not sure there is any "getting better." xx

Thinking of you all. xx

I miss my mom so much tonite. Its been almost six years, on April 12, 2010. A song came on the radio tonite as I was driving, "Shower the people you love with love, show them the way you feel..." By James Taylor. It made me miss mama all the more because we used to sing it together when I was a kid back in the 70's. The pain never really goes away. Its like I am stuck in a time warp, everyone else around me is in 2016 and I am still in April  2010. II do crazy things like Google her name just to see what comes up, just desperately needing to see something, ANYTHING, that might pertain to her. I am such a lost soul, a lonely heart without her. She was my best friend all my life. I have plenty of friends all around me, but no none can replace a mother!

Hi everyone...My Mama's one year flight day is in a week. I have healed so much this past year so for that I am grateful. Today I feel such sorrow. My fear of being alone has tripled since my Mama flew. She was my unconditional companion and we did a lot together, always. I find myself pretty isolated these days and that hurts. My spiritual beliefs allow me to connect with her spirit and grow our relationship, in love. Mama never died she just left her body. Anyways, I am trying to be ok...guess I just needed to reach out and say that. sending you all my love and support. hugs

Lost my Mom a year ago- very suddenly. I grieve for her and for the mother I never could have. She abused me horribly and I barely spoke to her most of my early adulthood. I learned to forgive and we were just beginning our first ever relationship. Now she is gone. Does she hear me tell her that I love her? I never could in life. Not sure this pain can end.

I am so sorry for you losing your Moms. It will be four years on April 11th that my went as she used to say "on her trip". The first years were a blur. Unbearable pain. But, although I miss her everyday I tell you I have accepted that I have to wait until God calls meantime try to conduct myself in the best manner possible for her sake.

A wise man told me "Mom is at peace, no more pain, no more suffering except for the one she sees us going through."

Have comfort in knowing our mothers are with us in the non-physical form, and they listen to our words and our thoughts.

I thought I was not going to make it through this, but I did. If I was able to, you could too. My mother was and is everything to me.

As the years go by, and they will come back to this group and offer comfort to those that need it. Mom will be proud.

Have faith, life is eternal.

Martha, your truth really helps me right now. This month was our one year since my Mama flew away. It has been a very hard month. I have this underlying sorrow about me, always. Somehow I thought one year would be less painful. Although I have gained strength, the pain is ever present. I almost feel worse...like now the vale has completely lifted and I am starting my life without Mama, now. Anyways thank you for sharing your journey...sorry for your tremendous loss. Love you all of you here...hugs