its very tough and I am still often in a daze but going through the motions for now to survive. 

I miss my mom so very much since she has passed I have had no one to talk to even though I do have family they wouldn't understand how I feel. I wish I could have her back with me

How do I go on without my mother? I am so tired of this. I am so tired.. I dont cry as much but the pain is always there.

This is my first post. I been a member for about a month reading other people comments, but never posted because I wanted to stay in denial. I lost my mom on August 15th, 2014 to a massive heart attack. She was only 55 years old. I'm still in shock. My grandmother is still alive, but my mom is gone. I just don't get it. We lived in different states so we didn't see each other as much as we wanted to, but we talked several times a week. The last time we talked she called me on a Tuesday during her lunch break. We only talked for 10 minutes and we told each other "I love you". She sounded so happy and energetic that day. Six days later I was back in my home state picking out her coffin. Throughout my life I had friends that lost their moms at young ages, but I never thought about it happening to me. I'm 31 years old and I have never been so afraid for the future as I am right now. I don't have any children of my own and I struggle with finding a reason more me to go on without her. 

After I graduated high school and joined the Navy my mother's relationship with god grew and she became a minister. I was never really into spiritually until she passed. The only thing that keeps me going is me believing that she's in a heaven, she's alright, and believing that one day I will see her again. That's it for right now. 

P.S. I am grateful that my mother and I had 31 years and 9 months together. I wish we would of had 20, 30, or 40 more years together, but I'm sure they're people that didn't get as much time with there mom as I got with mine. I'm also grateful for having such a great mom. My mom was the best, to me :) As I started this new journey I learned that everyone don't have good relationships with their mothers for whatever reason. So I know everyone on this site had great moms, because your love for her brings you here. I'm sorry that we all have to feel this pain, but I believe there could be comfort in talking to others with similar issues. The next person that tells me "I know what you're going through" and their mom is still alive will get slapped

Haven't posted in a long time. Mostly because I've said it all before. She's been gone over a year...I still cry every day. There's just no comfort anymore now that she's gone.

I got married a few months ago and not having her at my wedding or to help with the planning was unbelievably hard. It rained on my wedding day but then there was this magnificent rainbow - our photographer attests it was his favorite wedding to shoot because of this amazing moment - maybe it was my Momma....

Sorry for your loss, Andre Clark. I was 29 when my Momma died unexpectedly shortly after her 60th birthday and right before Mother's Day. We both were robbed of decades with our mothers. I wish I could offer you comfort but I know that even though we've suffered a similar loss, our experiences are not the same. So I will simply say, you are not alone and while I may not know exactly what you're going through, I do know that it is devastating and I hope you can find a way to cope with this terrible loss. 

My heart goes out to all here. 

Kristin, i still cry everyday. At night it is the hardest. Andre, you have a really positive attitude. I wish I can think like you, I had my mother for 30 years, but I was expecting another 30 years..Like your mom, I lost her at the age of 56, many of us lose our mom at a relatively young age, its so hard to deal with it.

30 years... it sounds like a long time. But in context of a mother's love it is simultaneously infinitesimal and incalculable. Truly nothing compares. I never had my father's love so I could not know. My Mother was EVERYTHING and I appreciated it much too late. Oh how I wish I could show her just how much she meant to me. How amazing a person she was. She was so unappreciated, she suffered so. I made it my personal life mission to help her so when she died...I took it as failure. I failed her. In the worst possible way. I was the last person to see her, the last chance she had at salvation. Nothing I ever do or say can change that. Nothing will erase the enormous regret, as long as I live.

Best to you all.  Yes 30 years is too short for most of us to lose a parent at that age.  Please write to me any of you if you need to talk.

I am always eager to have a network of people with me on this journey.

Kristin, I can really relare to you because I have no father as well and my mom was/is my everything. I wanted nothing in life except to be with her and take care of her but she cant efen live till her senior years and she suffered so much pain in her last year from cancer..i live with this overwhelming loss everyday and I also have great regrets i didnt appreciate and treat her better ..i have such a strong bond to my mother, people say my life is just starting and I am young but to me, I feel like my life has ended in a huge way because  I cannever be with my mom again in this lifetime.

and to echo everyone's feelings, its true, its impossible to understand or relate to someone's losing their mother unless they experienced the same loss..

In fact any loss it is tough to relate unless the person has experienced it but a parent is a parent.  It is normal to feel that our lives have also ended so just going through the motions for now may be the way. 

I try to remain positive Casey, but everyday is different as you all know. I hate to admit that I have become extremely jealous since I lost my mom. When I see senior citizens I get jealous. When I see adults in public with their mothers I get jealous. When I learn that a coworker that's 20-30 years older than me still has his mother I get jealous. Each day I have to fight those evil spirits. All I have left is faith that she's in a better place and I have to try to get there. I'm very new to religion, but it helps me cope with the loss of my mom. 

The one phrase I notice from people online and in the real world is that we all felt like we could of treated our mothers better. We could of been a little nicer. As for myself I always had a hot temper and when I get mad...watch out. I recall one phone conversation with my mom I got real upset over nothing, but she stayed cool. Once we got off the phone I called her back within 5 minutes to apologize. She responded by saying "don't worry about it...I know you was just upset". Then she told me she loved me then we got off the phone again. We all could of been a little nicer, but we shouldn't feel too bad about being verbally abusive...in my opinion. I beat myself up about not being nicer to my mom, but at the end of the day I was nice to her, but there was moments I wasn't nice. I know she knew that I loved her. In this day in age there are people doing a lot worse things to their parents than being a little verbally abusive. That's just me two cents. 

The hardest part for me right now is blocking out the pain that she went through and replacing them with good memories.

PS. My first birthday without her is 3 weeks away and I'm going to be off work for my birthday. Any advice on what I should do?

Yes Andre it is tough to find a reason to go on but just go through the motions for now and postpone any major decisions till much later.  Its tough anyway but way tougher at your age so take it very slow. Write to me if you wish to.

'In this day in age there are people doing a lot worse things to their parents than being a little verbally abusive'.  Yes I would agree with that one. 

Andre, I understand about the being jealous part completely. I truly do believe when our loved one died too young and too soon, we die as well. Its very hard to reorient one's life and find another reason to live , for me anyways. I found it very hard to accept that for the rest of my life i wont see my mother again. Its just not something i can really move past.

I haven't posted in a while, my mom passed in January 2013. I can relate to a lot that I read here. Many times I feel bitter and jealous when I see people who still have their moms and still have that bond in their lives.

I wasn't promised that mom would live forever, but still it's incredibly unfair that she passed away just like that, had I realized she wasn't ok she'd be with me now. Didn't have the chance to say goodbye.

It's not something that I'll get over from, I wonder how the next years are going to be like.

We do have that bond still Melisa.  Its in another form.  Bond never goes.  Just missing the sharing of day to day stuff right now even more than ever.

we will always have our mother in our heart, but do they still exist, do they still have us in our heart, does it matter? what if there is no heaven or after life? does it matter if we can lie to ourselves that it does? Does it matter as long as we have our mother in our heart?

The parents never really leave us do they ?

Yes, our parents will forever be on our minds and in our hearts!

this year has totally sucked..Lost mom in July, then september and October was hospitalized with a blood clot and now on short term disability dealing with messed up legs from the clot..Mom was always my sounding board and best friend...my only friend as i've always been an introverted loner..some nights I sit at home and just feel like giving up on life..here we are going into the holiday season which I know wont be easy without mom anymore..I just get so depressed, sometimes I feel like driving my van into a brick wall at 90mph, or overdosing on my prescription meds because life is just not joyful for me..tired of the lonliness sitting at home recuperating with my only companion is my aging dog..After my medical bills and hospital bills are dealt with, I need to find some sort of therapy to deal with these issues

Sorry for your loss Adam and Ron B. I lost my mom in August. When she passed the paramedics labeled it a massive heart attack. Once we got an autopsy we found out she had a blood clot we didn't know about. She mentioned her legs was hurting and I told her to go to her doctor. The doctor said she was holding too much water weight in her legs and prescribed diuretics. I told my mom that never made since, but I'm no doctor. My mother fired that doctor and got a new doctor. The new doctor was going to run test to see what was causing my mom's leg pain. My mother pasted away the day of that appointment. I wished I would of researched more causes to leg pain. I wished I would of told her to go to the hospital instead of the doctor's office. I told my mom she needs to live a more active lifestyle and eat better which she listened and started doing. I honestly never even heard of blood clots until now. I know if I would have done more she would still be here. I just didn't understand her pain. Like you Ron B and many others my mom was my best friend too.

I also lost a cousin about 18 months ago. My mother talked with me about moving on after someone you love passes. Around this time she told me if anything was to happen to her she would want me to be strong and move on. It's a hard thing to do, but I know she wouldn't want me to shoot myself like I feel like doing most days. I guess I'm living for her now. I just wished I could of helped her.

Andre, Ron, Adam my support is with you.  'Sudden' is very tough in general and when its the most important person in our life, its a killer.  Its also for us guys that the Mom is the sounding board for everything and in fact is everything to us, even though we have made our way into our adult lives.  Feel free to write here or send a friend request and i can share how I survived so far but it still feels for me very fresh but i request you all to take it one day at a time for now and perhaps one week at a time.

Yes Adam its tough for us.  All I say is we are not alone in some sense but i know it is very hard.  Sometimes I still don't know what happened or believe it.  I feel nervous alone too. 

how have you been guys Adam, Andre ? Its been hard for me today and yesterday.. been really down.

no Casey just looking for some answers and finding it tough.  I feel a bit empty too but really nervous at times.

Exactly Casey !

I have been really down lately. Danny and Casey I know how you feel. My family tries to help. But there is a void in my life now that my mom is gone, and I don't know how to fill it. Even 1 year after her death, I still feel it. Sometimes I wake in a panic just realizing I cannot talk to or see my mom anymore. She was my mom and best friend.

People don't understand what you are going through - You will unfortunately find out who your real friends are. They will only understand what you are going through once they have gone through it themselves. My advise after 4 years, is don't put on a mask, let your emotions show, it's your life and its your pain. To Casey - you are so lucky to have tapes of your mom, I would give anything to hear her voice again, treasure it cause it will get you through those really bad days. To everyone on this group - know that mom still loves you and that she is still around us, whether you feel her or not. I think that we will always have a hole in our lives, but somehow the pain gets less, we will never get over it, we will just get through it. Hugs to everyone!

To my mom - thanks for the number of forevers I got with you.

“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful.” 
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Nobody cares to be honest..and its leading to fever and panic attacks. Nobody comes lose as Casey said.  Its like going from 10 to 1 on the scale. 

Great Tans after 4 years its good to read.  Indeed nobody cares but then they don't know as you said.  The little infinity is priceless. 

Thanks Tans. I am lucky to have my mother and all the memories. I just wonder if anyone has any trouble with relationships now that mothers are gone. Everyone always want something in return. If I want love now, I need to put on a happy face, and be entertaining and loving and positive; if not, well, tough luck.It was nice to have a mother who I can always depend on for loving me. The world doesnt have time for people like me, as much as others like to say they do. I dont even want to deal with me. Keep on truckin I guess until I die.

Alisa, the pain will lessen, there will be days when it won't hurt and then there will be days that it will hurt like hell. The pain never goes away, I guess we just learn to live with it and in a way it becomes part of our lives. 

Casey - relationships have been a big problem for me. If they are real and true - then they will stay, the rest will run as quickly as possible. You will find that there is people out there that will make time for you - not many but there are some. I did the whole mask thing and after a while i got so tired of pretending that I just started wearing my emotions - Yeah there are plenty of days when you are crying and down - but why cant people see that side of you - you are human. yes they dont know how to deal with you, but at least you are true to yourself. People who haven't lost their mom don't understand what you are going through - They expect you to get over it after a certain period of time. I have met people who lost their mom like 10 - 15 years ago and they still miss them and are hurting. After 4 years, I can say that there are plenty of days where she is around and i'm ok, then there are a lot of days where I just want my mom - she is missed every single day. You have to learn to be kind to yourself and just take it one day at a time. You will learn to function sort of normally.

I'm just bathing in the conversations we used to have and everything.  That takes so much of my time.  That and trying to be good to myself.  So nervous.

My sister is so upset as well at her 'so called' soul mate, as Casey said.  Having someone who does not understand and yet having to deal with him/her can actually be a problem.

right you are Casey spouse or soulmate has no clue about our history and childhood..

New here... I miss my mom so much and my heart breaks everyday all over again. Just want some where I can share my thoughts of her, cuz there are so many. but hard to talk to those who cant relate. I LOVE YOU MOM! No love will ever compare.

It is tough to find people who can relate Crystal but some of them are right here.