No Boabie you are not crazy. You are doing what you feel is right for yourself. You have to go at your own pace. I also feel like I'm not doing what I normally would do either. This grief has changed me in a not so good sort of way. My patience level is low. I snap at people over little things. Just not acting like my old self lately. Lost a really good friend this week because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I'm really struggling hard this week. I miss my Mom sooo much. She was my best friend. My rock and now she's gone. It's been 9 months now and I feel like it was yesterday.  I tell people to move forward and not backwards but this week I'm the one that's moving backwards not forward. Feel so alone right now. Feel guilty like I should have pushed the doctors harder to catch my Mom's cancer sooner. It was this day last year when we found out her cancer had spread to her brain. It was the beginning of the end and I feel soooo bad tonight. Thanks for letting me vent here everyone.

I am sorry for your loss Dia. First, I think that it is important that you grieve on your own timetable. Do not let "friends" or family dictate how you are supposed to grieve. If it takes you years, then that's fine...as long as you are able to work through the grief.

If you feel that it is just unbearable then you might want to talk to a professional. I avoided that for a long time but finally realized that I needed to talk to someone who who could just listen and not tell me how or what to think and feel during this process.  

I also was a caregiver to my mom who passed away two years ago so I can relate from that perspective. We have it very hard because we were there throughout the illness and know things that maybe our other family members, siblings, etc. do not. There are many things I kept from my siblings because I didn't want the truth to hurt them even more.

So, I also understand what you mean by saying that you have to act like the strong one.  But it is okay to cry, scream, yell and break down. It's actually probably very healthy to do that. 

One thing that has really helped to get me through this, is helping other people. I started a charity to assist people in my moms situation.  Maybe you could find a volunteer group, or donate time to be help someone else. That might take your anxiety and stress and turn it into something fulfilling?

I am not going to lie, it is hard. And, I have my days of despair even after 2 years. But, I try to just take it minute by minute and slowly hope to get to a point where I at least feel content in this new life without my mom.

@ Angela and Dia, I know how you feel. I have good and not so good days. A few weeks ago my anxiety was so bad that I had to go to the ER. I know our mom's would not want us down here suffering like this. I am truly glad she is not suffering. But, I also miss her love terribly. I think it is so very hard for those of us who assisted with the care of our mom's and who were also very close with them. I going to as Marie mentioned, grieve on my own timetable, as I try to be strong and move forward. Now if I can just practice what I preach!

Hi Dia, crying is not a sign of weakness. I cried so much, I felt sick. Sounds like you cared for your mom until the end. I always had some anxiety, but nothing close to what I have experienced after my mom's passing. I have tried yoga and meditation online and it has helped me quite a bit for sleep & anxiety. At first I didn't know if I could continue to work. You were a wonderful daughter and I know even though we cannot see our moms their spirit is right there with us! My doctors wanted to medicate me with prescription meds, and I decided not to go that route. I think about my mom all the time. And sometimes I cannot believe that she is gone. I still think about calling her, when I realize I can't. Nine weeks ago, I didn't think I could go on! I still have very sad moments, but feel that I am progressing. The yoga that I do, is geared to help with sleep. It took me over 8 weeks before I slept three nights in a row. Let me know if you are interested and I will send you the yoga link. Big hug!

having a tough time since Saturday but hanging on.  Was kind of expecting this though so tried hard, talked to a couple of people and let the rest just happen. 

Had a breakdown over the weekend in front of several of my boyfriend's friends. I guess I should've gotten up and left the room to cry privately but I was just so overwhelmed. So my boyfriend escorted me out of the room and we left. I resented him a little bit for making me leave - as if the comfort of others being shielded from my grief was more important than my own comfort. What am I supposed to do? Never leave the house? Hide my tears so other people can pretend everything is fine? Also, my sister keeps pushing me to go through my Mom's things and I just don't think I can handle it. I can't believe my Momma is really gone. The knowledge that I can never see her again sits like a stone in my mind, refusing to let me relax. I didn't want to, but I think I may need to seek therapy.... I think of not wanting to live very often. I just want to be with her.

You can leave the house Kristin.  Perhaps sitting in the middle of a group may not be the best idea for now.  It really depends on each individual how they do it.  But for sure staying in all the time is also not so good.

I don't get how people expect you to be a stoic, unemotional mannequin about a month after a parent passes.  It's just unreal.  but, typically, this is from people who have not been thru it....emotions creep up on you at unexpected, unusual times, I've found.

I miss my Mom, that is a forever fact. As I know Spirit is Eternal, I want her to know that I honor her life, and refused to get destroyed by her passing. I want her to know I am brave for her. I have cried so long, enough tears for myself. Now, is time to dust myself off from all this self-inflicted suffering, enough already for me. If not, her life, her efforts would have been in vain. I am my mother's daughter, I am strong, I shall go on in her memory until it is our time to be together again.

Jeff and Cynthia make very good points about this coming from people who have not been through it and that is where/why this comes from.   I realized this early on and stopped talking to them about my situation or grief.  But I changed their role in my team and it has worked to some extent.  

Thank you, Dia and Danny. Martha, I envy your conviction. If I knew with any certainty that my Mom's spirit endures, I would not feel this hopeless. 

Thank you Martha for your comment. It spoke volumes to my life.
I know we have to go on, it's what they'd want. I have cried so,
you would think I have no more tears! Instead of my moms death being a total loss for me, I want to turn this into gain. I will work hard to do that. It will not be easy, but my mom and best friend would want me to. Blessings to everyone.

Live as if your Mom is here. Because she is. And, she wants us to go on bravely. Get into the spiritual, it is the only true reality there is. Click on amazon.com, buy Jouney of Souls by Michael Newton, it is a start. I am thankful for my mother's spiritually among many things. It is a daily practice for our family. Let the suffering lead you to the spiritual path. As Eckhart Tolle tells us, turn this crucifixion into your resurrection. Peace and Love to All.

Appreciate all the thank yous, but prefer to have you all take action to honor our Moms, and tell us what you are doing to do so. In my case, one of the actions I am taking is to look at life as Mom does, throught the eyes of God, and every one whether here, or else where with love and compassion.

It's been 9 months and a bit for me. I still have that dark cloud hanging over me, not so opressive as the first months, though. Everything I do, I do it because I have to. Work, being at home, I'm like a robot following orders.

I also feel resentment, because Mom was only 70 and had things been different, she could still be here. I feel like I could go with never seeing my family again (aunts and cousins), not because I don't get along with them but it's pointless without Mom here. I know she wouldn't like to see me like this. She wouldn't be proud. But I really don't know how to go on.

I wish I had talked to her about what would happen when she was gone, what did she want for me. It would be a comfort. So many things I remember and would like to talk with Mom about.

Life's so weird, whether you believe in an immortal soul or not. I only wish I didn't have to experience this pain of being away from her after being so close for so many years.

Great post Melisa. So true all of what you said.

As for me my new action now is when I feel a bad or sad memory coming on. I tell myself right away "don't start" and replace it with a good memory. Yes it takes practice. but I have to do this for Mom. Yes I will always miss Mom. But I can't stay in this self pity mode full of guilt. I have to do this if not for myself but for her. 

Yes Cynthia. Same here. We have to make Mom proud again. One little step at a time. Let's try together.

Yup....I don't think the Mom's would want us being sad all the time...but, it is hard.  If I have a sad moment, I try to think of something positive to offset it.  Guilt and sadness may alleviate over time, but Mom will always be missed.  Each and every day.

I miss my Mom every day as you all do. But, as I do not want to make her sad by seeing me sad, I think how fortunate I am to have had her as my mother and all the wonderful years we had together. 

It touches my heart how you are trying to make your Moms proud as I am. 

Peace and Love to All.

11 months ago today I lost my mom. It's hard to believe that it's been 11 months already. Miss her every day. To those of you who are heavily grieving, know that with time, the heavy burden of grief does lift somewhat. I can think of my mom and smile now, though I don't think I'll ever stop missing her. Thinking of you all.

Thanks for the update and support Eliza it helps that there is a small chance.  5.5 months and I am still going through the routine and grieving and reading.  Best to you.

I'm also at 9 months now....cannot believe the time has passed so fast.  Still such a big hole now in my life w/out Mom around.  I had dinner this past weekend with the family that is renting my Mom's home from me.  Now THAT was really weird.  thankfully, we did not eat in the kitchen, where we usually served all the meals--that might've been too much to handle.  But, time does go on, we cannot stop it.

3 updates from people at 11, 8 and 9 months into it.  There is a chance things will get better then.  Thanks to all and my support to all.

It's only been 11 weeks for me. I have good days and not as good days. I just had my mom's phone turned off yesterday. And it went into affect today. After turning it off, I burst into hard to control tears, and ran outside. I'd called that number for most of my adult life! It was too much for me. I called today, only to hear the disconnect message and I became overcome numb. I know I am somewhat better, but I wake up everyday, and the first thing that comes to mind is, my mom is gone.

It hits in the morning often and that is true Boabie. 

well, I'm glad you mentioned it boabie.  I had to turn off my Moms' phone about 2 weeks ago.  It was really hard...after dialing that number for 46yrs of my life.  Funny, how the little things can come up and bite you like that, isn't it?

Indeed tough. Never had to deal with e-mails so really the phone thing is the main thing for me.  For me not able to discuss the weekly stuff is a killer, although I still do it in a way.  I don't even know how I am managing sometimes.

Yeah the phone thing was so hard Danny & Jeff! I have her VM mail taped on my cell, as well as a few conversations. Like Cynthia,I
cannot listen to them right now. I mean, I will fall apart. I
long to hear her voice too. But I cannot look at her pics, and
I cannot listen to her voice yet. Maybe one day?

It's six months today and I woke this morning from a dream of her. She was smiling and we hugged and it was so good to see her!! I'm going to try to hold on to that feeling for as long as I can.

Happy for you Kristin. 

My mom was killed 18 months ago today and I have some MP3s that I made using my at-the-time new portable digital recorder. Little did I know that my testing my new device by recording several restaurant outings would be the last recordings of her. Of course the hardest part was finding a hand-written letter, part poem and part matter of fact, that was obviously only meant for me to find after she died....

Beloved son, if I should not wake on the morrow,
after my heart has faded away,
do not, I ask you, harshly sorrow,
for I have this to say:
I have feasted on nature's lovely tapestries.
My eyes have seen beauty in a flower.
The gifted hand on canvas has stirred my heart.
Music has brought me the utmost joy.
Friendship has uplifted me.
But my greatest gift, has been you.
Write long in your book of life - from cover to cover.
Fill the pages with great things.
Be happy.
Life is but a short journey on this earth.
Just a step on the way.
Remember me with kindness, my child.
G-d bless you.
Love, Your Mother

Dave, that was just beautiful, as I know your mom was also!
The poem brought me to tears.

Dave, what a treasure to have from your Mom. So beautiful!

kristen Renee-glad you had a good mom dream

i fell while crossing the street with groceries (wed, nov 6)

broke right wrist

was hard in the er-just wanted my mom

ad

dia- i know its so hsrd ,miss my mom a lot too, she died last dec

its ok to be sad but be happy you h

had your mom for as long as you did

dia-its hard

Today is 3 years since I recieved that horrible phone call to tell me my father had passed.  The only thing I could think of was my mom, how was my mom taking it.  She was with my dad when he died. LIttle over 10 months ago, my mom passed.  It is hard to think about how much my life has changed in the last 3 years.  What I knew then is no longer.  It is really hard to plan for Thanksgiving this year.  Thanksgiving will no longer be the family gathering as it use to be.  While I do have many things to be thanful for, it will be a difficult holiday season for me and for all of us.  My mom was very sick last Thanksgiving, I hated seeing her sick and in pain.  All though I miss my mom terribly, I am thankful she is no longer suffereing.  It is hard to think about, but I knew then she was ready to go.  I should not be selfish and wish she were still here.