Oh Jeff.  I feel so bad for you. 

My parents built the house that we will be selling.  PLUS, I will own the property (land) next to the house.  It will be so so so hard to see someone else living in their house.  The house I grew up in.  I live about 100 miles from where I grew up, I don't plan on going back except to visit my parents graves. 

It is hard to think of them in the ground.  I don't want to be put in the ground. 

I think of happier times too. Remember the good. 

Here is one tip if it helps: For the first year or so do not rent or sell the parent's house so leave things as they are except perhaps the car since some places have parking rules in place and of course the kitchen or else the food will mess up the house.  Leave everything else the way it is. It will reduce the shock impact a bit.

Amy: The first year is supposed to be the toughest and we need to hang on for survival.  Clearly interaction with people is a struggle for me too but I make it a point to talk to a few people but never about what happened as they have not been through this but talking helps people in our situation.   

It is over a year for me since losing my dear mother. The first year was emotionally devastating. You all had the sense to come to this site, it took me over a year to do so. My good friend kept insisting, and she was right. This is the place where I come to share. I do not do that out there anymore. Posting, reading your posts, and chat has helped me. After a year it is still painful, but having this support system here makes a difference. I thank you all for your posts, I thank the grief buddy I have found here, and I ask God to give us the strength to continue helping each other by sharing and having compassion for others. God Bless everyone.

I have tried to support others here and post my personal thoughts. It hasn't worked out well for me, as I have seen happen to others. People are the same on the internet as in real life, when it comes down to it.  

This page is the only reason I come here. I am not talking about any of you. I just think it's a shame that on a grief board, people pick and choose what they want to support. It hurts just the same and I thought that is what we were all here for. 

Ann: I haven't been on here too much, because its just too hard for me, I lost my mom on Dec 27,2012. I live with my dad so I do know what it like to deal with the widowed spouse. I wish I could get my dad to talk to friends of his who have lost their wives. He wont' join a grief group and the grieving for a wife is different than the grieving of a child for their parent.

Thinking of mom today: nine months since she passed. I can't believe it's been nine months since I talked to her. I've had several signs of her presence (I believe), which comforts me a little. But I miss her every day. Love you, mom.

Yesterday was a very difficult day.  I got the rest of my things out of my mom house (where I grew up).  I do not plan on going back.  It is sad to see the rooms empty.  Sad to know that we will never be a family there again.  Sad not seeing my mom sitting in her favorite chair.  Sad to know that what was my family is no more.  Sad to say goodbye.  All though I was sad, I wan't as emotional as I thought i would be.  Maybe it is a step towards healing. Maybe it will hit me more later.  I know I felt my mom's peace with me and that is what is important. 

Nancy, I think you hit the nail on the head about the house.  Emptying of the family home signifies that something that was integral to your life has now come to an end...it's been awfully hard for me to look around and see that empty home.  And recall things that had taken place in each of the rooms...events, meals, movies, etc.  And weird to have new people moving in, but at least that's a bit better than the emptiness.

Correct Jeff and that is why you don't want to empty the house at all in the first year and leave things as they are.  Start all this after a year.  What's the rush ? 

My mom has been gone 8 months, I wanted everything to stay as it was, but a couple siblings would have sold the house the month after she died (seriously). My sister and I tried to buy it but our price wasn't high enough for them.  It has been a very very tough process for me.  They do not understand what the hold up is.  Losing my mom was hard enough but having to deal with getting rid of all her stuff, selling, it is overwhelmning.  I can say that my sister and I tried, we tried hard, but sometimes I guess that just isn't good enough. 

My family is more 'messed' up than I thought we were all along.  This is just dividing my family.  I tried to be the better person and not say anything, then I get hammered because I didn't say anything.  What do they want???  NOw that I said something, I am getting hammered that I did! This feels like a never ending battle. 

I am beginning to feel that it is better NOT to have anything left when you die so there are no battles like this.  I only have one child so there will be no battles for him. 

All in all I do feel a bit of closure though.  Hopefully the feeling stays.

My support is with you Nancy and I see your situation.  It is overwhelming.  Just remember to take it one week at a time.  It is a very very tough process for all of us, and I just left town for a while so nobody could bother me.  That has helped a lot. 

I'm an only child and sole heir, so luckily, I did not have to deal with sibling squabbles over assets.  I thought about leaving things alone for a much longer time, but that meant leaving the house empty, which I was told is a big no-no with the insurance company.  Then, the couple that eventually rented it, came to me with a faster timetable than I expected, so the entire clean out process was done in 6 months...including 3 garage sales and numerous donations to charity.  I do think it may be best to die penniless with no assets left behind.  I'm glad to have found a nice couple to rent the home, but for me, the process was painful. 

I have prayed more since my mother passed than in my entire life before that. Mom was very smart, after two years of my father's passing she sold the house, gave my brother and i a modest inheritance while she was alive and made it clear that was it. I chose to buy a place as i used to live in an apartment in my parent's property. Mom and I were so compatible we decided to become roommates. So, everything is the same here, even her room looks exactly the same except for most of her clothing which was donated to charity. I have not finished going thru the rest of her things, it is too hard for me. And, as a friend said, take all the time you need. Fortunately, my brother and I have become closer. Mom was the bridge between us before. We are both making an effort to get along and check on each other every day, every other week we spend a day together. It is truly a miracle, but I have prayed so much for as I call him when praying "my parent's son" that so far, knock on wood, so good. And, I know this makes my parents in Heaven glad. I make a point to be kind to him, and he is trying to do the same. I think a devastating situation like this either brings the worse in siblings because of the money component, or in rare cases it brings them closer. Miracles do happen, and I am really trying for my Mom to look down, and be proud of what I am doing doing here. I have in my computer next to the DO TO LIST for my work these words: GOD FIRST. I wish the miracle of siblings getting along for their parent's sake. 

Nancy,

I understand exactly what you are going through. My Mother Nancy died June 27 2011. My life completely changed that day. My sisters turned into self centered people I did not recognize. They sold the house "furnished" except for what they decided was theirs. I just could not understand. I had to walk away for my sanity. I did get a few things Mom had written down for me. My Mom was my best friend. We share Dec 19th as our birthday. I do not hear from my sisters at all. It is what it is. I always thought I was so good to them and their families. I am pretty much alone in the world. No kids. Husband left me right before she got sick for a younger woman. My life never gets easier. I have been VERY depressed lately with the holidays coming. Prayers to you and everyone else suffering.

Here's another point of view. Not trying to offend anyone here but look at it this way. At least you all still have brothers and sisters to argue with. I lost mine around the same time I lost my Mom. Now I'm stuck with a house full of stuff and no one to fight over the stuff with. Makes me sad. wish I had someone here to sort the stuff out with. You all still have that chance to improve things with your brothers and sisters. They are still here. Be thankful for that. 

Honest, the only reason I entered my comment was to let members who are going through this sad situation with siblings to know that it is possible for the opposite to occur. That there are exceptions. Dear Angela, of course I thought of you when I posted my comment, and how very devastating it is to lose your Mom and only sibling only two months later. Yes, that is even worse. That is why I am proud to have you as a friend here because in spite of it all you have managed to endure your pain with Grace. I am blessed to have talked with you many times on Chat. God Bless everyone in this very special group.

Thank you Martha for your kind comment.  You are too nice. I feel the same way about you also. 

I miss my mom every day....I have been thinking of her alot lately, it makes me sick that her and my sister were on the outs when she died, my sister didnt even go to her funeral...im still bitter about it....i love you mom and hope you are happy in heaven....

Rachel, I am sorry to hear of your loss. I can understand why you would be bitter that your sister didn't attend her funeral.  That is something that she will regret.

It seems like the world has gone on, and i am stuck with the grief of not having my mother here. Then i come here and see you all miss your Moms, as well. And, i know that there is nothing wrong with me. 

Rachei, my sister too.  she hated my mom, and didn't go to the funeral.  nows she's visited with DAD!  she's sneaking back into the family after 17 years of feuding with my mom. making up stories and causing my mom so much pain. and being mean to both mom and dad.  and now, she's back like nothing ever happened.  i'm so pissed. she waited til mom died to vcome back.  i hATE her.

wow...families/siblings do strange things when a parent passes, some of it not so nice.  I saw a lot of that years back when my grandpop passed away.  Ideally, siblings can support each other during this difficult time, but we all know that doesn't always happen. Right now, I wish I had a sibling to share my feelings with...it's been rough running solo.  Don't know why, but today, Mom was sorely missed.

Hi Everyone....I lost my Mum, quite suddenly in March and had to rush back to England where I spent 4 horrendous months watching my family behave terribly, fight and fall apart....Now I'm back home and so lonely for my Mum. I feel extra sad for her and for myself and for all of us that we didn't pull together and aren't in contact. My poor Mum had quite a sad life, my dad is an alcoholic, she died waiting for him to stop drinking. My father has never been there for us. I have called him a few times since I got back but he is so angry and mean that I've been left feeling awful so I've given up. I am relieved to have found this group. My doctor gave me a list of grief groups where I live but I can't bring myself to go yet. I have to force myself to eat, I feel so bad.

I am so sorry for you loss Lesley.  This is a good place to come and write/read or chat with those who have experienced the same things.  I too found it hard to find a group locally to join, but this is a great forum.  I too had to make myself get out of bed, make myself go and do things.  We do understand. 

Half of my family had bonded, the other half is only out for what they can get.  It is just such a terrible place to be in.  I tried to be nice to everyone, but it came a point where I couldn't take it anymore and said some things I shouldn't have, but yet I am glad I did.  Not only did I lose both parents with in 2 years, but feel like I am losing several members of my family.  I personally didn't do any "fighting" between my siblings, but it is still very hard to sit by and watch it happen. 

I feel bad for those of you who have to go through this without siblings.  That has to be very difficult too.  I only have one son, so this is something he will experience one day.  It makes me sad to think about it. 

Thanks Nancy. I don't really know why I can't make it to the groups. There are several and I know that groups can really help. I can't make it to hardly anything. I'm not doing any of the things I know would help, things I did before and enjoyed, long walks with the dogs, yoga, music, gardening. All I want to do is sleep or lose myself in a book. I thought I was bonded with all my family before this but people thought I picked sides when I didn't and was just trying to do the right thing. Now nobody is talking to anybody. It just makes me it all so much worse. It's not what my Mum would have wanted.

All I can say is focus on your own grieving week to week in the first year.  Am reading a book on it and it helps on how to survive. 

Brette, yes, reminders all over.  I had to admit my aunt to the hospital last week and lo and behold, all of my Mom's info. was in there as the designated contact.  Very uncomfortable. Tomorrow marks 7 mos. since she passed; I still can't believe it. Such a gap in my life

It's been 4 months since I lost my Momma and I still cry every day. I can never feel relaxed or comfortable because something is always missing. I miss her desperately. People tell me it will get better but....I don't see how. I feel like all my happy days are in my past. I can't enjoy my life without her in it. We should've had decades of more time together. All I want is to go back and save her! 

Same here.  I do my routine as best as I can but I do feel very vulnerable and miss all the conversations a lot. At this time, any stress which comes on top can make it real bad. 

Yes the sibling rivalry appears to be happening in many families and it seems to be quite common I guess even in Western countries. There is no escaping that but I'd say if one can get away for at least 4-6 months before even getting into this helps a lot.  It can help to grieve alone and get some break from the madness.

I'm sorry I haven't been posting on here much lately, been dealing with some other stressful stuff not all of it related to my mom's death.

It's been almost 2 months since my mom passed away. i feel like it's getting harder. I always feel like something is missing. It's so hard for me to be around the house and not have her there to say hi to. I miss her so much. This is definitely the hardest thing ive ever had to go through in my life.

Yes Janessa it is the toughest assignment we have ever had. It does get a bit harder because the first months or so are just a state of disbelief. Did you both stay together in the same house for the past few years ?

So sorry to hear of your Mom's struggles Dia.  Life is often very tough on the elderly; I can certainly empathize.  You are fighting this battle, relentlessly at times, but you know where it's going to end and that's really, really hard to accept. Give yourself some time and remind yourself that your Mom is no longer struggling with her diseases, which is a blessing in itself.  It's going to take some time for you to feel even a little bit better now that the battle is over.

Dia, my love and prayers are with you. I lost both my parents a year and a week apart, my mom died 4 weeks ago. I'm an only child. We were together all the time. I have literally been lost w/o her, with problems working and sleeping etc. Remember you were an awesome daughter, and that should be celebrated. Her spirit & soul will be with you forever, because I believe true love never dies. Sending you a big hug!!!

My Condolences to everyone.  Yesterday was the four year anniversary of the loss of my wife Denise and Saturday will be one year anniversary of my Mom's passing.  God Bless Everyone.

Condolences to all as well.  Janessa, yes that makes it harder if you lived the last couple of years or more with the parent in the same house.  I would recommend moving away for a while if you can. My support to you.

Once again my apologies for not commenting and and supporting people more on here. I've been caught up in other things and its hard to deal with my own grief and my dad's. I'm still thinking of everyone on here and wishing everyone the best in their struggles with the new normal that grief imposes on all of us!

Dia I think your fiance is right and you will meet her again. I'm sorry about your mom, I lost my mom last Dec and its still hard.

Boabie, I'm an only child too and I think that makes it much harder.  Plus, I was pretty much raised by my Mom and her older sister as Dad died when I was not even 9yrs old.  I spent all my time w/my Mom  and my Aunt.  Those are the 2 hardest deaths I've had to deal with; my Aunt's was probably worse actually, since it was very much unexpected.  But today's a rough day too...my birthday...knowing there's that one call I won't be getting.  It really sucks.

Happy Birthday, Jeff - I'm sorry you won't get to spend it with those people you've loved and lost but I hope you have a good day.

The parent is still calling you spiritually and emotionally Jeff that is what i try to tell myself and so there is no breaking the bond.  Yes the physical call is not coming in but what can we do ? Kristin hope your partner is helping out now.  Have a good one all.