Hang in there Dana.  One day at a time for now. 

Ann, you have us. We are all united by our pain.

Crystal, I'm so sorry.   My mom's death, too, was unexpected. I completely understand that horrible feeling of not being close to anyone else in the family and feeling alone and lost. We are here for you.

May God bless us all to keep going on.

My mother just passed a month ago. It was a sudden heart attack and weeks after she finally had the surgery to remove a large tumor. We were terrified for so long it would be cancer because it runs it my family. One of my aunts died in her early thirties from a brain tumor and my other aunt is a breast cancer survivor. My uncle has also survived cancer. It was a miracle when my mother, being the oldest found out it was not cancerous. Our relief didn't last long because then she died anyway weeks later in the middle of the night. She knew she had high blood pressure. Her doctors said it was fine and ignored her swollen legs and ankles and went ahead with the surgery. She was so worried she wouldn't survive it but she did. The tumor had gotten so large it by her heart and she felt like it was pressing on it. She was not one that liked going to doctors but knew the pain was too much. The last few weeks she was exhausted and couldn't get out of bed. It was hard for us to have faith in the doctors. It is just so shocking and devastating. I am crushed. My 17 year old daughter was with her and more than anything I am sad for her but she is being incredibly strong. She is being stronger than me and it makes me feel worse. I feel so scared, alone and get angry and completely overwhelmed out of the blue. 

I'm so sorry about your losses. You have been through so much. Trust me your feelings of being scared, lonely and angry and being overwhelmed out of the blue are completely natural. You are not alone. I lost my mom last December and its still hard the grief is so extreme and whats worse is that there are those I know you have also experienced loss but they have no understanding of my extreme grief.

Sorry about your Mom Emily. I know what you mean. My Mom and my daughter and I were extremely close. We were all we had for a long time and took care of each other. My daughter and I are both only children and now I worry about the future. My grandmother at 72, my mother at almost 61 and I am 42. Now I keep wondering if I only have 10 more years left. My grandmother died 5 years ago and we still cry about her. Some people just take things harder than others, that's what my best friend that lost her husband this passed year says. I know my mother didn't want to die, she told my daughter as she was. 

She wanted to live but was in so much pain. I can't believe the doctors didn't seem to care her heart was so bad and did the surgery anyway. It hurts that she tried and they didn't help. Then she died.

Sheila thank you. It was the same with my mom she wanted to live but was in so much pain, but of course I know she wanted the pain to stop and at the end she still suffered. My brother saw her the day before she died and said she suffered, and the hospice people assured my dad and me she wasn't suffering and wouldn't suffer. My family situation is different, I support my dad emotionally  but he is difficult to get along with so I need time away when I can manage it. My older brother and I aren't close and I've tried but the relationship can't be repaired so we rarely speak. The estrangement is sad, but its not healthy for me to have a relationship with my brother.

I understand about your dad being difficult to get along with. As I was saying before, I haven't spoken to my father since the second time I asked him to please come to the funeral. He called her constantly and caused her stress she didn't need or have to put up with. He didn't care, he wanted someone to vent his problems on. I will probably forgive him but I feel like he doesn't deserve that right now. Since my mother's death, I feel stronger it my intolerance to put up and forgive and forget. I know that's not really a great thing but for right now, I can't deal with him saying she didn't do enough to help herself. Yet he says he blames himself he didn't come and make her go to the hospital. Right now I feel like I only really care about my daughter's feelings and my mom's younger sister. I feel selfish and it's not good for my relationship with my husband but we keep plugging along, getting through this. 

One of the hardest things about this is how my mom and I weren't as close as were always were at the end. She was irritable and it was frustrating because I didn't know what she wanted me to do for her. That was one of the last times I saw her and she just started crying saying I don't want you to do anything. It was so frustrating and painful. I always took care of her and in the end now I am left with guilt. 

I would call and she would just sit on the phone. It hurt so much she wouldn't talk to me. I stopped wanting to call. I kept asking her what was going on with her and she would say she had to go or start crying.

I think she knew long before the week before she died and said she felt like she was. 

The only thing for me is that I talked to Mom even on the last day on the phone and it was very good and normal.  This happened so suddenly. So that and also she did not suffer at all and was in decent health (she had become very weak physically) but nothing major all the way.  Since I was overseas at the time and not in the same country, we would talk 3 times a week as part of the routine (and more if there was something urgent).  I find it hard to change this routine right now.

Sheila B, we have had so much of the same feelings. My mom was very frustrated and scared and alone at the end. She would not share any of that with me. What really tore me up was she turned form her religious she had always always been very religioius and very spiritual and practived that in all of her living. She had a small stroke and just wasn't herself. When we unplugged the tubes at the hospital I knew her spirit was already gone.. and I wasn't there when her spirit did go.. just dont know when it was. I feel so guilty.. but one good friend has told me... your mom KNOWS what was in your heart. So, i do believe you mom knows how you feel and knows you. We even had some arguments because she refused to take her medicines and i was forcing her to take htme and she would cry. I try to focus on my mom knowimg me and hwat was in my heart at that time.  

Sandra, strokes are very hard. Until my grandmother started having "mini ones" after a long time they figured it out. I don't think there was not much they could have done but she fell into dementia. It was very hard on the family to lose her in such a slow and debilitating way. My mother was not making sense some of the time at the end. She was telling us she had to go back to work and she couldn't get out of bed and walk. My aunt said at least she didn't get as bad as my grandmother and needed her diapers changed. We do take comfort in that. My mother had so much pride, it hurt her to not be able to do her own laundry or mow her yard. I think she started having strokes after my grandmother died. We didn't know they were happening, it takes years to realize. Until you experience it, I don't think many people know strokes don't just physically affect them but change them mentally, the things they say, how they act and how it hurts. It's not just us the family, I believe they know and that is why they cry out because of the confusion and frustration.  

Cynthia, the blank look hurts. I kept feeling like she was mad at me but didn't know why. I kept asking. My mother had gone in for surgery weeks before and I told her I loved her and she didn't answer back. It had been awhile, unless she wrote it in a card. Now all I have are those cards and the book she sent me years before she passed called "Every Daughter Should Have a Book Like This To Remind Her How Wonderful She Is". I will post some parts when I have more time. I cherish it. It makes me cry but close to her again. When I was younger we used to say it all the time to each other, like her and my daughter still did. It hurt she didn't respond not knowing if she would make it out.

It's tremendously hard when you want to desperately help a parent whose health is failing...and frustrating when there is little or nothing you can do.  My Mom had very limited mobility at the end and had quite a bit of pain, not to mention swollen legs from a circulatory system that was failing.  You try to help them, get them to take meds, etc., but often, they are going to do only what they want to, no matter how hard you try.  I went thru this stuff nearly weekly, and a few days before my Mom passed.  Thankfully, she was of sound mind..and in good spirits on the day she passed....I think she was ready for her pain and struggles to end.  Early that day, I had called the doctor's office and requested an ad-hoc visit for the next day, because she was just so uncomfortable.  I like to think she knew how much I wanted to help her, even when there was little I could do.  But, it's hard to let go of those final regrets you may have.

In a week it will be 4 months since my mom died suddenly and unexpectedly on March 15th - and it is exactly 10 days till my due date. I feel like the closer I get to my due date the more emotional I am getting and not always in a positive way. I miss my mom so much and I am so scared to do this without her, but I feel like people expect me to be just happy and anxious about having a new child and that I am supposed to be "over" my mom's passing by now. I don't know if this is my imagination or not but I feel like I can't grieve anymore. I feel like I have to put that all away now and get ready to be a mom myself. How do I do both? How do I miss my mom and cry for her and still be a responsible and good mom myself?

Maddy, you can do this! I also felt that people expected me to be "over" my mom and completely focused on the baby. But the heart doesn't work like that. You don't have to put your grief away or ignore it. I can't explain how it works, but you will be able to grieve and cry for your mom while being an awesome mom yourself.

Maddy, give yourself permission to cry. It is perfectly ok. AFter 1 1/2 years from my mom's death now and I got so sad today I barely made it to work with tears streaming down my face I could hardly move. I am so very sad but the grief comes and goes in waves. Now I am glad I have work and came in - something to take my mind off of the grief. You will be the same way. I know it. It will be ok.   

It's ok to feel this way...and you'll do great Maddy!  Grief will come and go, but now you'll have a little someone to keep you busy and smiling!

Right now I feel a tremendous weight on my chest.  Losing my mom was hard, very hard, but my brother and sister are making it so much harder.  It is amazing to see how people become when there is money/land involved.  I am greiving my mom, I am greaving for how her heart/spirit must be hurting from what they are doing.  I know she is gone, but does her spirit know how horrible 2 of her children are being? 

I miss my mom, I know she was ready to go, I know she was sick and in a lot of pain. 

It was very difficult to focus on anything afer my mom passed, but I went back to work at 2 weeks.  It was good to get back into a routine.  AT least that way I had something else to think about than my mom.  I too had a hard time getting out of bed sometimes, sometimes on weekends I stayed in bed. 

Maddy - I feel for you dear.  Don't stop grieving, tell your baby all about your mom.  There is no scheduled 'getting over it' time alotted to you.  I am sure it will be a very emotional day for you when you child is born. Your mom will be in your heart...she always will. 

I will be a grandma again in the next week.  I keep thinking that how my mom (baby's great-grandma) would have loved to see my son's 2nd daughter.  She would be so so proud.  One of the last times she saw all of us, she told me how J really loved her daddy...and I told her that her daddy really loves his little girl.  My mom just smiled and nodded her head.  Just a few days before my mom passed, she was in a lot of pain and was very sick.  I told her she was going to be a great grandma again, I saw the peace that took over her body for at least a few moments, she closed her eyes and smiled for a long while. 

Hi Nancy, Yes, the dynamics in a family change so much with death. My sister and I fought about the most stupid things but, thankfully we have learned to work together and are closer now. Please dont fret about your siblings. Death has not changed part of them from what they already were when in this world with your mom. Just be at peace yourself - try not to make anything worse - and know your mom knows your heart.

That is one way to do it just think she is there.  Most contacts and friends have not been in this situation before so I just do not tell them. 

Hi Wendy, It has been 1 1/2 years since mom died and some days I can hardly get out of bed the sadness is so intense. We also were hopgin and thought mom would make it through the cancer therapy she was one week from coming home and up and walking but the sepsis in her blood shut her organs down in 1 week or 2... I feel like we let her down by not being there the whole tinme.. Somehow we felt like she would pull through since she had pulled through before. She died feeling very sick and probably alone. I try not to think about that but, here on this site I know peopel will understand.

Thank you Sandra,

I just want peace...but can't convicne others to want the same. There is more to life that what you have. I can't do anything about it. 

With my mom passing it makes me think about my own mortality. None of us are guaranteed there will be tomorrow here on earth. 

I just want to be free of all the pain, I want my mind to be free to enjoy my moms memory and to enjoy the good things in life.

Nancy, we are so alike. I just want peace also. You WILL remember your mom and good memories. It will come to you. My mom went downhill for about 3 years and the last year was very very traumatic between nursing homes and homes that would not take her back, emergency centers, comas, her dementia off and on and home. I didnt think I would ever remember the good things... but i find myself smiling once in a while and even laughing at something we did together or a joke we shared. I find the ignorant people that have not been changed by death of loved ones will probably unfortunately go through what we are going through or even worse, not ever catch on  about what is really important in this life. I believe my life will be more peaceful and calm eventually than I ever was before. I am sad mom cannot see the new improved me.   

The path to the passing of a parent is a hard one; I see many themes in common: sickness, decline, irreversable illness, homes, doctors, caregivers, etc.  We, as their children, running ourselves ragged with stress, worry, anxiety.  Then, it all comes to an end and long for our parents, despite what we went through.  It's really incredibly hard to recenter after being through these experiences.  But, we do our best as time marches onwards. 

Very well said Jeff R and I totally agree.

I miss my mom more than ever. My mother in law calls constantly and it's bringing me to tears every time now. She calls more than ever and won't stop. I can't talk to my mom and it hurts. Her mother is very old and she doesn't understand how it feels. I can be fine but then it upsets me, it's like a constant reminder my mom is gone. 

Today is my mom's birthday. Missing her a lot. I bought sunflowers because they were her favorite flower. I made a donation in her name to a cancer charity. And I am also making her favorite kind of cupcake. Trying to live and celebrate her life rather than feeling sad and down and crying. But boy, do I miss her.

Dear friends:

If you like, visit the following group, and post a comment. Something that you do that might help somebody else feel a moment of peace. Like you, I am in pain over the loss of my Mom. And, we can share with all the members here. 

Tips to help one cope with grief

it was one year ago today that we took my mom to the hospital.  that started her decline until her passing on sept 28th 2012.  I miss you Mommy.

I so miss my mom.  There have been so many things that I have been putting off, I know I will have to face these things eventually, but I don't want to.  Thinking about them make me ill.  How do we get passed this?  There is just so much turmoil that I really feel like running away...I don't won't to deal with it.  I feel more and more depressed.  I don't show my grief to others, I keep it all nice and bottled up inside of me...I am waiting for the bottle to shatter into a million pieces.  I am so in need of a break. to get away from things.  But I can't get away from work right now.  There are just so many emotions swimming inside of me, more that usual.  Maybe one day we can look back and see how strong we all were...but right now I don't feel very strong at all. 

I so understand what everyone in this group is going thru. I feel like you Nancy, there are things that need to be done and I keep postponing them. Everyday is a struggle, I only do what I absolutely have to do. I think about my mother every hour of the day. Life as it was when Mom was on this earth will never be the same.

It is very tough and there is a hole as Lisa said.  This will never be filled the question is if and how to live with this gap.  Then again, it is important to realize that life is tough and one day all the decisions have to be made without asking our parents.  I'm talking it one month at a time, let's see how i do. My support to Lisa, Cynthia and Martha too.

Cynthia: My heart goes out to you. Your loss is too recent, you are strong to be able to express your feeling as you are, I was in complete shock then. Thought at any moment I was going to drop from the deep pain I felt.

Lisa: I am exactly at the point in the grieving process where you are. The reality of it has settled in, the sadness is there every day.

Danny: There is hope, when I read a guy's comment, and sensitivity. I say to myself, that is a real man. One who loves his mother deeply, and shares it here. 

I keep thinking "I've got to go home. I have to get out of here." But I am home. It's my heart that isn't here anymore. My Mom was my home in this world and everything feels meaningless without her. If it wouldn't hurt other people I care about, I'd have nothing to live for. I can never just be at ease because something is always missing. And it's never coming back. 

I love you with all my heart, Momma <3 I miss you!

This past weekend, my father and I found a grief journal that my mother kept after my infant sister died 20 years ago. We never knew she wrote this. In it, she expressed her wishes that someone, someday would read her journal and know that that her youngest daughter existed. I want to honor her wishes as best as I can.

Kelsey Miriam was born on March 27, 1993. She weighed 2 lbs., 4.5 oz. She had a beautiful tiny face and blue eyes. She passed away on March 28, 1993, surrounded by family. Kelsey was very much wanted and loved, and my mother missed her greatly for the rest of her life.

Thank you.

That was very touching, Amanda.

It's very hard, even when something good happens, the pain of not having Mom here is always there. I don't really know how can I live with this.

Amanda, you are honoring your mother. That is wonderful.

Melisa, I can relate. When something happens all I can think is how it would be shared with Mom. It is a tough road facing life without her.

May God give everyone here the strength for today.

I have an issue with my brother accepting from my dad one of my mom's most precious keepsakes.  it does not have much value, although it is an original Pinnochio Doll from her childhood.  The fact that he accepted it behind my back without even considering me, or that it was "Family" property, and that I was not told, I had to discover on my own, has left me with a great unhappiness.  I know my mother would not be pleased.  I know this for a fact.  I am so upset.

I know this sounds trivial, but the emotional suckerpunch  this has left me with has knocked the wind out of me.  can anyone relate to this?

Thank you, Martha, Melissa, and Eliza.

Michael, I cannot relate to your situation, but I know that people can attach a lot of emotional significance to items. Could you tell your father and brother directly and honestly that you want the keepsake, because of what it means to you and because of your mother's wishes? Perhaps you have a keepsake that your brother would rather have? I hope that your brother would not want fight with you over an item that means more to you than to him. I also hope that, should your brother choose to keep the doll, that you in time find a way to release your emotional investment to that particular keepsake.

Yes I can. I would love to have my mom's wedding ring, but its missing. She died on Dec 27,2012. I think someone at the nursing home she was at, stole it.

Thank you Emily.

It's hard to explain.  it's more the action than the object.  the object is really a representation of something else.  there are obviously other issues at work here.

God bless everyone.

Michael-I re read your comment and I understand what you are saying, it was a hurtful action.

I haven't been on for a while.  I'm not going to try to go through old messages at this time.  I'll just post a message and pick up on future messages from here.  I'm gonna copy here what I posted on another group, and then I will get started again:  I have been talking to Jo (JB) on private messages, and she has been encouraging me to come back to the groups and talk.  I think I'm just now ready to do that - thank you, JB, for your support.  About six or nine months ago my husband got very sick (and he is not out of the woods yet but I think he can be okay instead of leaving me) and shortly before that my nephew got shot and died and then I'd had my dad die right before that and my Mom before him and several friends in the interim - and even though some of these deaths happened a while ago now and I should be getting over it, I got worse for a while instead of better.  I got so depressed that I just couldn't come over here and talk about it.  It was more than I could handle.  Over this summer I've had a lot of yard work and repairs and house repairs to work on, because so many things I couldn't do when I was taking care of my Dad, because I was too busy (and I'm not complaining).  I'm so depressed that when I get up to start them I'm actually angry that I have to do it when I don't feel like doing anything, and then after I start moving my body and start getting that exercise and start sweating, I start to feel better.  Then, the next day, I feel angry again that I have to even do anything until the exercise starts to lift my mood.  Yesterday I posted a bunch of pictures on Facebook of the yard work and realized how beautiful it is becoming and how lucky I am to have such a gift as a house, even if it's a small house and yard in a rough neighborhood - I'm so lucky to have it.  And, I'm so lucky that God gave me the gift of being creative and putting flowers and wind chimes and things out in a creative way to make it so beautiful.  And, I thought - I am so blessed - why am I so sad and angry?  I should be enjoying this.  And, I guess that snapped me out of it enough that I decided to come back to the groups today.  Sorry for bringing everyone down with my depression.  Thanks for listening.