Oddly, it does kind of help to talk to Mom...maybe she can hear me, who knows?  She's not physically here, but I'd like to think she is somewhere out there.  Went to a family graduation party yesterday; it was bittersweet.  Connected with some relatives who could not make it to my Mom's wake.  It's still very hard for me to talk about it w/out getting choked up.  I just keep reminding myself she is at peace and no longer in pain.  Went to the cemetary today to check out the inscription on the headstone; planted some petunias; I think she'd like that.  I miss you Ma.

I also talk to my Mom,I believe that she can hear me.I just wish I could hear her voice,just one more time.

My Mom took a piece of my heart and my soul with her when she went away. I'll never be whole again and I feel like I'll never be happy. I dream about her constantly and when I'm awake she's my central thought. I miss her so much and everyone keeps saying "it'll get better" or "everything happens for a reason" and it just doesn't help. I keep asking for signs that she's still around and sometimes I think I get them but I just don't know. 

I love you with all my heart, Momma! <3

Hi Kristen,

My beautiful mom passed away 10 months ago and it feels like yesterday. We were the best of friends. I can relate to you in many ways. My mom is always with me, in my dreams, in day to day things I know that she is with me. I still can't accept that she is no longer physically here. A lot of people do say that things happen for a reason and honestly I cannot see the reason my mom was taken away. I cannot see it getting better, it is different but I would not say better. It helps to talk to others who are going through this. If you want to talk that would be nice. Jayne

It has been 1 1/2 years since my mom has died. Sometimes I feel so very very sad that I can't function. I think of her little bald head from the damn chemo and it makes me upset. I am tearing up just writing that. Then other times I can laugh and think of fun we had in the past. I will never be the same. I talk out loud to her and hope she can hear me. I want to be with her. I still hurt badly and cannot talk to people that have not had deep losses. My aunt said some things yesterday - aunt by marriage.. that my mom passed too early. That comment upset me again.. I wish people were more careful in what they say.. i dont know if that comment was meant to be kind or what.

sigh.

I forgot to add one other thing. I feel like all of you are "my People" and everyone else in the world is just on another level somewhere else. Just as i feel like the cancer patients and their family members that would come in daily/weekly are also "my people" I saw so much love in that cancer center between family members. It was beautiful in the midst of all of that pain. Their priorities were my priorities. I have basically lost myself. I am a different person now and struggling with the new me. Some people I have nothing in common with anymore .  

Cynthia:  Six weeks?  Six months, maybe.  People who have not experienced this don't get it.  I was still a basket case at the 1 month mark...but, as you say, some people think you should just "get over it".  I guess I am just not that detached or pragmatic about death.  I knew my Mom's time was limited at best, but her passing was sudden and unexpected. No matter what rationalizations you make, it's still a big loss.

Cynthia: Jeff is 100% right. Now you know, whenever you feel like expressing your feelings write them in this forum, or CHAT about them. Most people do not have the sensitivity as those that have actually gone thru this devastating experience. It is over a year for me, and I am not by any means "over it". We are here for you, and at this point we are more of a family with this shared bond. It happens to most of us.

We are here for you!

Cynthia, about two months ago I came across an excellent quote. All of us here are now on a path that everyone will one day be on...we're just here earlier than expected. So many people who have never lost a parent, let alone a mother, simply don't know how to relate to us in our pain and grief. They try their best, but they just don't get it. They will one day, though. I try to keep this in mind when dealing with family and friends who are coming across as thoughtless and hurtful.

Yes, that is a very helpful quote thank you. It seems people react to grief differently, I had a stranger tell me I needed time to "heal", this person says she has lost both parents. I didn't tell her this but I will never "heal" completely and actually didn't find her comment helpful.

I honestly think people don't intend to be hurtful, but there is a lack of appreciation for how difficult this kind of loss can be (unless they have experienced it). My colleague at work just went thru this as well, losing both parents within a year,  so we can compare notes and talk about how lousy it is....but most others are like "oh, she was old, sick, [whatever]--haven't you moved on?"

I trulyl believe that people are all in different places in their lives and just about everyone means well when they talk to us in the midst of our deep grieving. but still, i am staying around people that truly understand. i am just too sad to listen to the others right now.  

Hello Friends,

I basically grieve alone. My mom has been gone since June 26th 2011. Two years in just a few days. Last week I had a horable week at work. I caved in and cried all day Sunday. A few bloody marys didn't help my emotional state. Picked myself up by the boot straps on Monday and marched on like a good soldier. I get so exhausted being STRONG when at times I feel so alone. I have no one in my life to hold be or be there and say "I love you". It sucks. I know how you all feel. One day at a time friends.

So what do you guys say to people when they make these remarks? I have lost a few friends during this process. Due to the things they say all those "should" remarks. that I should be better by now. I should move on and forget about all this. They just don't get it because they are not in my shoes. The people on here understands because we are all feeling the same loss.

Angela, I try to say something simple like, "Thank you for your concern." Then, I put a little distance between us, emotionally and physically. Sometimes, I'll add something along the lines of "Everyone grieves differently." I also try to focus on the actual words that the person has said, and not all of the implications that could be behind them.

Thanks Amanda.

I read somewhere that the best thing someone can say to a person who is grieving is "I'm here for you." We move forward because time gives us no choice but that doesn't mean we're able to move on. For me at least, every breath I take without her still feels like a betrayal. It's like losing a limb, a piece of yourself is just gone. Eventually we will adjust but, at least for me I know I'll never be the same. I miss her with every fiber of my being and that will never go away.

Kristen Renee I agree!

Yes, I can see moving away from some people because of this  unbearable loss we are all experiencing. I am changing and i'll bet many of you are feeling the same thing happening. I will never be as I was and so my priorities and interests (when I try to find some) and all else is changing. The only thing I enjoy right now,and can find solace in is my yard and my dog. I am staying away from most people because it hurts. But, I try to see people and understand and just know that without my own loss I could be just as they are and might say the same type of things. A very gentle friend I have once told me that when people are bothering you by how they act or what they say just put a bubble of light around yourself and say to yourself about the person  "this person has come only this far in their own life".

Tomorrow will be 6 months since my mom passed away.  Today a very good friend of my mothers passed away.  She was almost like my 2nd mom.  I am so very sad.  I knew tomorrow would be a very difficult day, but now it is especially hard.  The only thing that I find comfort in is that my mom was waiting there for her friend when she left us.  I can picture them hugging again and then sitting down and talking.

This is the toughest time that I have had to go through and it is has just begun.  I just don't know who to call with my problems and advice and also just have someone to go to to share all my life experiences that I have been doing.  Some people say 'letting go' is the answer but as I read more this theory has been proven to be not the best solution.  Is it a combination of distracting yourself and remembering all the things she said and doing them etc ? Help please !!

Danny, I am sorry about all that you are going thru. We are all in pain here. Connecting with this forum is the first step. Posting as you did is very helpful. And, whenever you can go to the CHAT feature and say Hello, if everyone did that there would always be someone there to share with, and it makes a difference. Do it for you, and for others that, believe it or not will benefit from chatting with you. I have met extraordinary people there.

God Bless everyone.

Danny, I know exactly how you feel. It will be a year for me, on July 9th, and I sometimes still feel so alone, disoriented and lost. I often think, "Who else is going to be interested and invested in the small details of my life, the way my mom always was, and who else does my life matter to, the way I know it mattered to my mom?" I keep reminding myself of how my mom would want me to handle this and that helps me to regain perspective. It hurts everyday, some days more than others, but I just try to keep making healthy choices that honor her and to be that "trooper" that she wanted me to be. It has gotten a bit better and it does continue, little by little, to get better. Sometimes, just coming here and reading everyone's comments has helped me tremendously. This is a group of beautiful hearts and we are all united by our pain.

Thanks Martha and Natalie really appreciate it.  Natalie, you said it all when you mention 'invested in the small details of my life'.  Martha I need to figure out how to go to the CHAT forum.  We all need to be in a similar group as this one.  Friends etc help but many have not been through this.  I am looking for a book too to help me.  Thanks both.

I have figured out that I have "survivors guilt."  My mom and I went through so much abuse that we had to hang on to each other to survive.  Now that she is gone I feel that I betrayed her by still living.  I should be with her, we went through everything together and we only survived by having each other.  It's impossible to go on when I feel I am betraying her every day I am alive.

Dear Ann:

That is so profound what you wrote. I feel the same way. Even, when i breathe sometimes i feel guilty because i watched her take her last breath.

Danny, to go to CHAT just click on it (the word "CHAT" on the row at the top of the page) and it takes there.

Hang in there, we are here for you!

I have dialed my Mom's cellphone number many times since she's been gone. Don't really know what for. Yesterday someone answered, they've already given that number to another person. I felt so sad.

I temporarily disconnected Mom's cellphone number for a year and it can be activated then so this way at least for a year I believe that she is still there.  That way you don't feel the loss to be permanent. 

I'm not doing well. Anxious and frustrated and restless. I've now gotten three spam e-mails from my Mom's name and it's really jarring. Stealing someone's name to peddle spam is so low! It's tormenting me. I would give anything to feel close to her again.

Thank you all for the kindness you showed me when I made my first post a couple of weeks back. I appreciate everything you all have said, but it seems I made that post in a rare moment of strength. I have been unable to even visit this site again since then until this moment. I'm having a really rough day today. I'm alone at work. I finally decided to get back online (after about a month) because I was eager for some sense of "movement" in my emotions... this has caused me a lot of pain and anguish and tears, seeing her pictures and comments and general online presence left behind. It's been almost a month since she passed. I still literally feel desperate and panicking just typing those words. Every time the commenter here named Ann makes a post, I nearly have an anxiety attack because my Mother's name is Ann.

Another thing I have been told to do is to get movement in my body.  I have not the energy till now to do anything.  I don't have to deal with her online presence since she was not into using technology of any sort except the phone.  The phone is tough to use though for me and my hands shiver.

Danny, body movement would be good, I'm sure you're right. But I have no energy either. Far too depressed. The fact that I physically got up and came to work is as much as I can muster.

Right now Rachel emotional movement is also good enough. You've done well to even get to work.  I am not even there yet. Keep sharing here.

Thanks, Danny. Every day is different. Yesterday was my first day back to work in three weeks (financial stress further complicating my life as I attempt to mourn...). Luckily I work in a tiny office where I can lounge and be alone most of the time. This is nice because I don't have to confront my boss or coworker, and I can basically just do whatever I want if I can't focus on work. Pretty sure what I'm dealing with now is going to lead to "movement" in the form of me quitting this job soon as well though. 

Hi all. It has been about 1 1/2 years since my mom has died. Some days I can go on automatic. Other days I get so very depressed and sad that I can't move. It is definately up and down... That is normal for everyone i think. I jsut about quit my much needed job withint the first 6 or 8 months after mom passed because I honestlyl could not see the point in anything. Just hang in there for at least a year if you can.

I had actually just finished doing a course and now in between jobs and now this shock.  Financial stress too but i don't know if I can actually work.  What do you guys think, is it possible to start a new job in this mental state or should I wait it out for 6-8 months and then go for it ? I am concerned because since I am not 100% the company might just force me out sooner than later.  This is the biggest shock for me so I don't know if I can really deliver results right now from day one. Thanks Sandra and Rachel for your inputs on this ie ability to go back to work or start work.

I am not sure if this will help anyone, as everyone is different, but after my mother died suddenly and tragically this past March, I was allowed only 2 weeks bereavement leave. I took another week unpaid but then I had to get back to work - I needed the money and I had responsibilities to my students. Going back to work caused me a lot of anxiety - I was so sure I was going to break down at work. However, thanks to a supportive husband, and very supportive colleagues I found that going back to work actually provided me with some distraction. I almost felt like myself again, normal, when I went back to work and started teaching again. I found I could still teach - it came naturally to me. I also found that being at work for 6 - 8 hours a day was often the only time I wasn't consciously thinking about my mom or crying.

I am about to go off work again, although this time for a different reason: I am about to give birth to my first child. And to be honest I am dreading the weeks between working and giving birth. I have come to depend on the distraction that work provides. I guess I really hope my son arrives soon so that I can focus on him rather than my grief.

Perhaps this isn't the case for everyone, but I found that by focussing on some tasks or work I was better able to cope with my grief.

I"m glad it helps some people here, to talk about work. People at work, can be understanding about this mourning situation. I told my manager I was in a very fragile state but, working would be good therapy for me if I could just be protected from most of the political problems (that is my hotspot right now here). My job was pretty new and I took it while my mom was going downhill and she actually died while I had been on this job for only about 3 or 4 months. I took one week off and didn't want to go back. I taliked to my sister a lot and we made it through together. Now I can come to work and most days can get myself out of bed ok. but, I definately need the job so I try to focus on just strictly survivial. I can say, that with some time, you will probably be able to get up easier .   

Work can be a good distraction.  I also went back to work relatively quickly...literally within a week...Naturally, you are a bit of a zombie initially, but it does help take your focus off your pain, even if it's for a brief period. Others feel you need to take more time off to mourn; I get that, but I knew Mom wouldn't want me sitting around with a box of tissues looking at old pics.   Work is/was a helpful way to get back into a more normal groove.

Thanks Sandra, Maddy and Jeff for the input.  Since I am in between jobs it is harder for me so I am reading a lot on how to manage and at the same time trying to look for a part time position.

My mom and I sat on her balcony every July 4th for 25 years to watch the fireworks.  I haven't been able to watch them since she died in 2011.  I can hear them outside my window but I just can't go out there without her.

I have no one now.  I am alone on Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day, Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, my Birthday, year after year, alone.

My name is Crystal and I am 31. My mother just passed away at age 52 (almost 1 year after my Aunt Laura died of cancer). My mom's death was tragic and completely unexpected. She had been 14 year sober, or so we thought, from a drug and alcohol addiction. The night my mom died, her sister was there and said my mom was sleeping and moaning and gurgling and that she tried to wake her but couldn't so she thought she was just really tired so she left her alone and went to bed. The next morning when my Aunt KC went in to check on my mom, she was dead. I got the call from my aunt on that Memorial day morning around 9AM, while my husband and I were loading our children in the car at my in-laws house (5 hours away from where my mom was). I remember answering the call, thinking it was my mom since the call came from her phone, and hearing my aunt on the other end say "Crystal, your mom died last night". next thing I know I just hit the ground and started yelling out in the worst kind of pain I have ever felt. I cried so hard and so much I started to pass out. I couldn't believe what I just heard. I just saw my mom 5 days before that and talked to her on the phone 3 days before that. Everything was fine! she was normal happy and totally fine! Well come to find out, the medical examiner found two patches called fentanyl on her back. These patches are apparently one of the STRONGEST pain medications ever made. 100 times more potent than morphine! usually a person isn't supposed to use more than 1 in a 72 hour period. She used 2 at the same time... 4 weeks later the toxicology report concluded she died from overdose of fentanyl. My mom was my best friend and always coming over to see my kids. I am not close to anyone else in my family so I feel like I have lost my heart. How does one go on living without their heart?

Dear Crystal,

My deepest condolences. 

I don't know how we go on.

God Bless

My mom was in her 80's when she passed a few months ago.  We were so bonded from the time I was a child.  I lived with her most of my life.  The house is so empty and my heart is broken.  I just can't imagine my life without her.  Everyone loved her as she was so genuine and people would tell me how lucky I was to have that special mom and relationship as not everyone does.  Now I look around and see that (even though I always knew).  Even on her deathbed she would tell me she was worried about me when she died.  I told her I'd be fine to comfort her but the truth is the pain is unbearable.