It is hard to believe that there are so many people out there in the world that feel the same way that I do... I miss my mom so bad that is physically hurts.. She passed away March 25, 2012, so it is not even 2 months yet. I have my moments through the day but I just cannot understand how I will never be able to hug her or see her again.. I just can't handle this because I need her. She was my bestest friend and the one person who I never ever had to doubt.. her trust and love was unconditional and I relied on her advice and love for everything.. I am a very indecisive person and I would call her before I made 99% of decisions.... I just break down sometimes and ask WHY WHY WHY and I just feel like everything in life even the happiest moment can never be 100% fully happy without her now.....

You are right - there are a lot of people out here who feel the same way you do.  As I read what you said, I remembered feeling almost exactly that same way 2 months after my mom died.  I don't know if we can ever be 100% fully happy again without them, because I'm not 100% fully happy yet.  I do know that it does get a little better each day, each week, each month, each year - until at some point you are not in so much pain that you feel it physically any more.  Please keep coming back and talking to us, because it does help and that much pain is just too much for anyone to be expected to handle alone.  I know some people do try to handle it alone, but I just don't know how they do it.

My mom died almost a year ago- June 9th 2011, after a 5 year fight with multiple myeloma.  She was my best friend- we talked every day, and the last 2 years of her life I spent at least 1 week a month ( Montana to NC).  She died in my arms.  

I have buried myself in a hole the past year. Grieving for her, and the self I knew as her daughter. My world has been shaken and I'm not sure how it is going to settle.  My mom gave my life a certainty, I was okay.  She loved me. I was smart.  And pretty and could do anything. She was my cheerleader ( in a sardonic way), a good wife, mom, gardener, person.  Now that she is gone I am not sure who I am.

I don't know if I am feeling this way because I spent 2 years revolving around her and her cancer.  Or maybe I am just weak. But I can't seem to get my life going again.  With the anniversary of her death coming up, it seems like I should be moving forward, In some ways I am but I feel paralyzed. All I want to do is watch TV or read. Escape.

I feel like I don't know who I am without her. I have a daughter who is 6 and I put up a brave face and "function" but inside I hurt so much.  I want my mom back. I want my mom back. I don't want her to be dead forever and she is.

This Saturday , which will be a year, I am going to plant a mom garden. All of her favorite plants (or most as we live in Mt!).  I am hoping to honor her in a dedicated way.  

Thanks for the space to express.  Marjorie

 With the one year date coming up, so many intense feeling are resurfacing. 

I think I've found a way to help deal with this loss just a little bit better.  Allow myself to cry.  I've notice each day I stifle it the unbearable feelings get worse.  When I finally take just even one day each week and release all that built up pain for maybe 2 days I feel a bit better. It seems to be a cycle that helps a little.  For the last week I've been dreaming of mom a lot more.  It will be 6 months in about a week and a half.  Amazing how fast that has went by.  In my dreams it's her hands that seem to make me emotional.  I'm not sure why.  Anyway, on this last Sunday I really had a good weeping cry.  Just from the guts.  The next day I get out of my truck and I feel this tap on my shoulder.  I look at it and one single drop of I guess dew dripping from the roof of an awning had driped on me.  Maybe I'm being stupid but I took it as my mom sharing a cry with me or letting me know she was on my shoulder.  I miss her so much.  It's ok to let it out and cry.

Marjorie - the way your worded that you grieve her and the self you lost as her daughter helped me.  That put the finger on what I've been going through, but I didn't know how to put it in words.  Thank you.  I guess we now have to find a new self to move on with, but it is hard to do that when you don't want to do that.  I don't want to do that.  I want things the way they were.  It sounds like you are in the same place.  You are NOT weak.  Anyone who can take care of a dying loved one is not weak.  I took care of my mom and my dad, and that is the hardest thing you will ever do.  You are not weak.  I hope things feel a bit better this year than they did right after she died, but for some people it can take a while.  It has been more than a year for me, and I'm still grieving.  I think the garden you are doing in memory of your mom is a great idea.  I assume she loved plants or was a gardener herself?  I think what you are going through is pretty normal.  I'm sorry it still hurts so bad, but please know that a lot of people experience grief for this long.  I just hope that it is slowly feeling a little bit better each day.  I'll be thinking of you while you are planting your mom's garden tomorrow.

Mark, I think it is necessary to let it out and cry.  I go to a grief support group in my city, and the facilitator told me that a study was done on the difference between grief tears and regular tears, and grief tears have a different chemical composition.  That tells me we were designed to cry during grief - I think it is cleansing.  I think it helps us heal.  I have a lot of dreams about my mom too.  Have you been to the After Death Experiences group on this site.  You might want to go over there and talk if not.  There are a lot of people who share things such as dreams or your water drop experience.  I think any experience can be them contacting us.  For me, the thing that lets me know when it's them is the feeling around it - I think you can feel them.  If you feel different (more peaceful somehow) or think you feel them when something happens, it's probably a message from them.  When my dad was dying, I felt my mom standing behind me.  I turned, and she was not there.  Then, I remembered she had died too.  But, I knew she was there, so I started talking to her.  A lot of people think they can't feel other people, but I think we can but we shut it down.  When I walk in my house, I know if the house is empty and I'm alone or if my husband is home.  I can feel it.  I really felt it when my mom was alive, because we were so connected.  If I walked in her house, I could feel when she was there.  I think we all feel that - our empty house feels different than when our family is in it even if our family are all being as quiet as church mice.  We can feel each other, but our culture teaches us not to believe it or to ignore it.  If you felt your mom there when that raindrop hit you, then I think it may have been from her.  I know I frequently feel someone touching me when no one is there.  And, like you, I've had a lot of dreams about my mom.  I'm glad you found a way to feel a little better sometimes.  Blessings to you.

Here comes another first..this weekend will be my 1st birthday w/o mom. When she went to join dad in heaven in Jan of this year, i didn't think about all the first; last month was her 1st birthday in heaven.  Hopefully, we can go to church tomorrow to be with our church family.

Sharron - I'm glad that you are able to cry and it helps you.

Tim - The first Christmas after my mom died, someone from a local grief support group gave me a poem about the first Christmas in heaven.  If that truly is the way it is, then I was very happy for her.  But, it made me cry and cry and cry.  That is a good way to think of it that the day of their death is their birthday in heaven.

I had an experience yesterday.  I got mail out of the box and it was a reminder for one of my dad's doctor appointments.  His last few months he was in a horrible abusive and neglectful nursing home that was so bad that it was closed down after I reported it, so I stayed with him his last months in life to keep him safe in a situation that was horrible that he was so unwell he couldn't get out of and go.  This doctor was one I used to take him to when he could get out and go.  And, when I opened the letter I flashed back to that moment and how he used to hate going to that doctor and was afraid he'd have to have surgery again, and I'd have to calm him down and talk him into going.  I cried off and on all day.  It's been a year and three weeks and in some ways its better but I still have moments.  All day long that letter just made me remember things we did together when I was caring for him but he was still well enough to get out and about, and I just cried and cried all day.  I remember at one point sitting at a stop light and just crying and just knowing these people at the bus stop were looking at me and thinking I was crazy and then I wiped my eyes and looked over and they were talking to each other and didn't even notice me.  How arrogant can I be?  I just can't believe how bad it still hurts and how much I long for the times we shared together when he was healthier.  But, this is the I Love My Mom site, and this is probably inappropriate to share here.  I lost my mom and my dad recently, so I'm on both.  So, I'll add something about my mom too.  I lost my mom before my dad, so it's been over a year since I lost her, and I still have dreams where I'm chasing her around wherever she is now and begging her to take her medicine cuz I can't grasp the fact that the doctors were wrong and she's still alive, which is what she keeps telling me.  Maybe I never grew up, but I can't seem to move on without them.  I just spend so much time longing for things to be the way they used to be.

Storyas, I can attest to the fact that allowing yourself the right to cry does help.  It is cleansing and it definitely comes from a very different place.  As I said before it usually builds up inside of me for days.  Even weeks before I will release it but afterwards it does feel cleansing.  I also openly talk to my mother when I am alone and without question believe she can hear me.  There are times when I do feel I have to get her attention as I also believe whereever she is at she is oblivious to time and since she can see me she's not quite sure why I miss her. She clearly understands when I'm in pain and anguish and wants to comfort me.  This past week I've felt more at peace but there are still those moments when I still am thrown at how shocking her loss really is.  It's unreal but it's real.  If that makes sense?

Mark, thank you.  It does make sense.

It is funny - I think that the grieving are a family and our loved ones lead us to each other for solace.  This group as one example.  But, yesterday I went to get some take out chinese and I met a lady who had multiple losses in a short time.  She was sitting and waiting for her order and she said, "This is the first time had chinese since my husband died, because we came here all the time together, and I couldn't stand to come without him before now."  Well, that was funny cuz last Saturday I ate Indian food for the first time since my mom died, because she and I always went to the Indian buffet together, and I couldn't stand to go without her.  We both had that same experience in a week and met in a restaurant waiting area.  We traded phone numbers and are going to go to the local grief support together.  I get home and get out of my car, and she pulls up next to me and says, "Oh, my God, you live there."  I said, "Yes."  She said, "I live three blocks down the street.  Can we just ride to the grief support group together."  Now, how weird is that.  Someone wanted us to meet.

Storyas it's now weird at all to me.  And here's something to add to that oddity about being tied together.  My mom and I had a tradition on my bday and that was to eat ... chinese!  Specifically from this one chinese restaurant.  Since her death I've had a horrid apetite.  I barely eat anything.  I have cravings but then about 20 minutes later the idea sounds horrid to me.  Anyway, my bday has come and went and this year I just couldn't do the chinese thing.  It's too soon.  I cried all the way through a taco bell taco salad ( her favorite fast food ) the first time I did that so didn't feel like gagging food down and crying yet again. 

hi everybody. my mom went to heaven on 02/22/12 & i still can't believe it.  the words seem so foreign to me.  i dont know how to function in this world without her.  my heart is torn apart.

Sandee love, My mother passed on 3/22/12 and it is very difficult and everyone kept telling me that it will get better and it does a tiny bit with each new day.  It really has helped to talk to others who loved her and tell our memories and stories.  Strange and morbid as it may seem the thing that has helped me the most is the pictures of her I took her last day on this earth.  My best friend convinced me to allow her to take a picture of mom hours before she passed and another one after she passed.  The pain and hardness of her face before her death and the peacefulness of her face after her death demonstrate to me that she is no longer suffering.  It also helps that my mom had such an enormous love of Christ and a Faith that I've never witnessed in anyone else but my Grandmother and I know she is happy and in heaven. 

thanks mary.  mary is  my moms name. coincidental or the angels??....anyway,  refuse to refer to her in the past tense.  ive been drinking & havent really accepted it wholeheartedly.  im afraid if i do, it will be real. even though intellectually i know its real but my heart cant/wont accept it right now. 

You never know Sandee love-angels or our own mothers conspiring in heaven :) Just take your time processing all of it.

Hi everyone...I'm new here.  Just lost my beloved mother 3 weeks ago.  I have no idea how I'm supposed to move on.  I am completely devastated & so unsure how to proceed.  I have little ones, so life must go on but I'm so scared that my intense grieving is hurting my boys.  I go through periods of feeling abandoned/orphaned (my dad is living but we're not close - my mom raised me by herself since I was 3) & mad thinking about how God expects me to go on without her here everyday.  I counted on her for so much.  Blessings...

Hi Dee, I know how you feel. On the 22nd it will be 4 months since my mom went to heaven.  I still can't believe it.  My heart feels empty, the whole world is different. I don't know how to function in this world without her. I keep wanting to join her in heaven but I have responsibilities.  My cat.  Just like you have responsibilities with your kids.  Mt cat is my kid & no one will care for her like I do.  It's ok that you have all these feeling around your kids.  It's just showing them that you are a human being. 1 day at a time. I feel you.  

Thank you for your  kind words Sandee - I know how you feel.  I'm so heartbroken that I can barely breathe.  I'm also trying to juggle a very delicate balance between my step dad & his family (they were only married 3 years).  I'm trying to ensure nothing is given away that belonged to my mom without appearing to be raiding their house. 

Mark - it is so weird how food ties so much into our grief.  I've had so many people tell me that they can't eat favorite foods of their loved one.  I remember back when my mom's mom (my grandmother) died, my mom said that she was worried about my grandmother, because my grandmother always loved to eat so much and she wanted to know she'd have plenty to eat.  I felt the same way when my mom died.  I guess food is a way we care for each other in this life, and we want to still be able to take care of them in the next life and know they have their needs met.  I'm so sorry the Chinese restaurant was so hard for you, but I totally understand.  I did make it to an Indian restaurant, but I had to hold back tears during the first half of the meal.  I still can't walk in a Red Lobster cuz that is where me and my mom always went on our birthdays.

Sandee Love - I'm so sorry that you lost your mom.  I know your pain.  I remember feeling that way right after my mom died and then again right after my dad died.  It has gotten a little better.  I no longer feel that way all the time like I did right after, but it comes and goes.  I noticed you said you were drinking.  Please be careful.  I started drinking six months before my dad died.  I don't drink.  I started drinking excessive amounts of red wine.  I drank like that until about six months after my dad died.  One day I just woke up and realized it was playing havoc on my body and I didn't feel good, and I was far enough along in my grief that I was able to quit.  But, please be careful.  I wouldn't want you to spend a drunken year like I did.  No judgment - just concern.  I think the alcohol in some ways made the grief harder to bear.  I think the alcohol made me more depressed.  I started feeling better when I quit drinking.  I think the alcohol does something chemically that makes us more depressed.

Dee - I am so sorry about the loss of your mom.  Three weeks after is so hard.  It hasn't even had time to sink in yet, at least it didn't for me.   It is true that we have to go on for someone . . . our kids, our pets.  In my case, I had to go on after my mom died for my dad.  I had to go on after my dad died for the nieces and nephews and their children.  These deaths split our family down the middle, and I'm the only one who is still there for all those kids since my parents went to heaven.  I think it is okay to talk to our kids and tell them how bad we are feeling and apologize to them for any ways we are not ourselves.  We can word it on their level and help them understand.  I think as long as kids understand, they are okay.  I know my five year old grand-niece has a way of helping people through tough times in the most innocent and pure ways that make you think the angels in heaven work through her (or my mother - I've felt my mother with her since her birth).  To give an example, after my dad died, I adopted a dog that had been rescued from a hoarder.  My dad was an abuse survivor, so I wanted to help someone or something else that had been abused in his memory.  I didn't even realize my niece had over heard conversations the parents had with me about the dog.  But, one day the dog got really scared, and she went over and put her arms around his big neck (he is bigger than her and she wasn't scared at all) and said, "Don't be afraid, Elbert.  No one is ever going to hurt you again.  We all love you."  Hugs from kids can help us heal a lot.  They are still going to be kids and misbehave when we most need them to behave at times, but they have a way of seeing our suffering, and if we let them in, giving hugs and love and support in ways that we would never think of giving it as adults.  I sometimes think the acting up that can happen with kids when adults are grieving is their way of compensating for not being included in what is going on.  I could be wrong, but that is how I see it.  Let the kids help you through this.  They can't do it like an adult can, and they can't understand it at an adult level, but they can understand enough to love you through it.  Kids want to take care of their parents too.  I remember once when I was very little crying myself to sleep because I saw my parents going through a hard time.  And, they do understand.  Maybe letting them help you will help them too.  My friend has a two year old grandson.  Right around the time he turned two, his other grand mother died.  Everyone assumed he didn't understand what was going on.  He started acting up at the hospital, so Daddy took him out to the car to take him for a ride and let him calm down.  He locked him in the car seat, and suddenly this little guy started screaming, "No, No, No, I no want Gramma to go away for good."  I think if we let our kids into our pain that it can help them too.  They may be feeling way more than you think they are too.

Mary - I am so sorry you lost your mom.  I just wanted you to know that my prayers are with you.  It has only been three months since you lost your mom, and already you are helping others so much.  I just don't want you to be forgotten in your helping others so soon after your mom's death.  I wanted to reach out to you too and tell you how sorry I am for your loss and the pain you are feeling.

Thank you Storyas...last week, I was laying in bed, eating popcorn with my 4-year old (trying to have a special night with him) & as we were laying next to each other, he looked at me & quietly said, "I miss Grandma," then reached over & embraced me - completely on his own.  You're so right, children are so healing & they also know how to be comforting.  Thank you for your kind words.

I envy that many of you have others still left to hold and go through this hell with.  I don't have that.  For the last couple of days I've really been thinking about just how literal the loss of my mom is.  She was my life.  My complete focus and I will never see or speak to her ever again.  I'm so tired of this unbearable agony.  I want and need for the pain and horror to end.  The future seems no better.  After all we endured to see the final horror it has made me ubber paranoid that life for me is completely dark.  I wish I had someone who understood the intensity of my situation.  I wish I had family.  I wish... for so much.  This all has to be a huge nightmare the way it ended.  I want to be with my mom and be at peace.

Mark, I am so sorry you are in such agony.  If you think about family in a broader sense of the word - you might consider the members of this website family.  Here are people who are also grieving and suffering in a way that helps us share a family like bond.  You can feel safe to pour out your heart and never be judged.

Do you believe in God? the Bible?  If so I would be very happy to send you comfort from the scriptures.  I will keep you in my prayer asking God to comfort you.

Your Friend,

Brenda

www.grief-and-comfort.com

support@grief-and-comfort.com

Dee at three weeks, I was in the same place you are now, and it DOES get easier, but I think much of how it gets easier is based on your beliefs.  I know my mom is in heaven and I know that she is happy because she always talked about how joyous a time it will be when she gets to heaven and gets to be with Jesus and God and all her family and friends who went before her. I miss her terribly and I would be lying if I said I don't have days where I just cry and cry, but those days are less frequent, I am able to function more and more and I finally decided to go to a grief support group through hospice-which I think is a big step.  Consider this group as family-Mark and know you are not alone and your mom would never want you to give up!!

Hi Brenda :)  Todays a new day.  Some days are better than others.  This websight is important to me for the very reasons you suggested.  The comments that I make when I'm having a rough moment are comments I would never share in public.  Years ago I learned how to put on a good face for those watching.  This place enables me to share very deep very private feelings.  I hate always carrying them around inside while I'm smiling on the outside.  Yes, I believe in God.  I'm just very mad at him right now.  A friend said to me there are certain things we just file away in a personal file cabinet way down deep inside that only we are allowed to look at.  I'm mad as hell at God but I don't like looking at all of that because it makes me feel worse because the faith I had in God has been completely destroyed.   

Mark, I totally agree with you about this site and also about being mad at God.  I was furious with God and I let him know it and then I started feeling bad about that and talked with a dear friend of mine who became a minister-but she's not your traditional minister and she told me it is totally ok to be mad at God and to let him know it too because he is after all our father and we are his children and children often get mad at their parents and tell them their feelings.  That really helped me to hear that.  My faith in God was tested, not completely destroyed, but that is only because I thought about my mom and how she had been through so very much in her life, yet never lost her faith in God and would hate for me to lose mine over losing her.  Am I still mad-you betcha, is it getting any easier-there are moments, I had a crying spell today-just little things trigger them-today it was a butterfly-seeing it made me miss my mom even more and wish she was here. Keep sharing and venting on here-it is so therapeutic

Mark, I can feel your pain right through the words you write and it breaks my heart.  Remember we all grieve at different levels and we all have our individual windows of how long it will take us to get where we need to be.  Grieving is a process and has many different phases.  Anger is most certainly one of them.  You have to wonder why GOD would take such GOOD people off the face of this earth?  People that were honest, hard working and still had so much to offer.  I guess we will never know the reasons.  All the people on this forum feel exactly the way you do or have that way in the past.  We understand the pain and would never judge anyone for the way they feel or the things they are thinking.  Just know that YOUR life must go on, as I'm sure your mother would want it to.  Sometimes I do things just because I KNOW my mother woud have wanted me to.  And then I speak to her and let her know that I appreciate how she is STILL helping me even though she is in heaven.  Just because your mother is no longer here physically does not mean she is GONE.  She is with you spiritually and emotionally ALL of the time.  Her love and grace are around you constantly and you should feed off that and try to remember her beautiful face and all that she has taught you.  This is what gets me through my days. 

Donna and Mary, thank you both for the words of wisdom.  Donna, I constantly think in the terms of what "mom" would want as far as my approach to life.  To know her as she was on this earth and all she had to deal with the idea of me giving up wouldn't even be a thought in her mind.  Her theory would be no matter what the struggle is just keep going.  It's just so hard with that touchstone not around.  I feel her or at least I think I feel her at times.   The times I've cried alone just weeping probably within 24 hours something will happen that will remind me that she was behind the event or was watching out for me.  It's hard to explain how close we were but when you have been someones arms and legs their whole life it really is like you've just been severed from your siamese twin.  Worse when you explain a portion of your lifes journey to a grief counselor and they sit there with their jaw wide open saying.. Wow, this is very new.  I've never encountered this type of loss where the care provider has been giving care for their entire life for the last 40 plus years and they know no other lifestyle.  Even that makes you feel like more of an oddball.

Mark, I have to respond to validate you and to thank you for validating me.  What you described about going through so much only to get to that final suffering that is even worse is exactly how I felt after my mom and dad died.  My mom died a few years ago and my dad's death was recent.  But, they both suffered so much and then at the end it was worse than I can even express.  I guess I must still be depressed, because I look back on times when they were healthy and we were together and loving each other, and I think one minutes what's the point, because all of that wasn't real any way or it wouldn't be gone and the next minute I'm thinking how great that was to be back there when I was oblivious to how bad it can get and then I long to be there again.  And, I get in these dark moods where I think to myself that if it can end that way how can I enjoy one day of my life knowing that is what it is coming to.  I think from what you said that is kinda the way you've felt, and I've been afraid to tell anyone I felt that way for fear they would think I was crazy.  And, you are not  an oddball.  I was a caregiver for my parents all my life too.  My parents were from the poverty of the Appalachian Mountains.  They had almost no education.  My mom could read a little, but my dad couldn't read or write.  My dad was also severely handicapped from child abuse and had PTSD from the child abuse, so he often needed to be talked down from PTSD fears.  And, my mom couldn't drive, so I took her to the store, the bank, everything.  And, I mostly didn't mind that.  Sometimes I would long for my life to be more like everyone else's, but the largest majority of the time I was happy when I was with them.  So, I didn't just loose my parents - I lost the last link to my Appalachian culture, and I lost the only lifestyle I had known, and I lost the two people who meant more to me than anything in the world.  I was also mad at God for a while, and afraid of him.  I was mad at him that he didn't answer my prayers and save them or at least take away some of their suffering.  And, I was afraid that he was a punishing God that I couldn't trust to leave my parents with due to some bad religious teachings from my family's past that I am now working with healthy pastors to overcome.  A wise Christian woman I know told me that if I'm mad at God I may as well admit it cuz he already knew any way and that he is a big God and he can handle it.  She said my anger wasn't going to make his world crumble and have him running off with his tail between his legs, because my God was so powerful that he had already handled way way more than my anger and done it successfully.  That helped me.  The good news is that I am getting over my anger at God and my days are not as dark as they used to be.  So, hold onto hope that it does get better.  One of the keys for me was finding something I love and doing it.  I volunteer in my church office a couple of mornings a week, because I love being around spirit filled Christians in this healthy church I have now found (I got away from the hate-filled one), and I am writing my dad's abuse story in a book.  Working in the church helps me cuz I love it,and writing the book helps me cuz I feel like I'm honoring my dad by telling his story cuz all of his life people tried to push his abuse under the rug and I'm standing up and validating him.  And, I try to tell my nieces and nephews stories about my mom and her goodness.  And, I've been talking to them and saying out loud I miss them and I love them.  And, I got a dog that I honestly believe my dad sent me from the other side, because before he died my dad told me he was going to get me a white and black bulldog and three days after my dad's funeral one just fell in my lap without me looking for him.  So, grieve, but at the same time try to find a few hours to live the way you've always wanted to live - baby step into living your life without being a caregiver.

Storyas Fawnfeather,

It was so good to talk to you by phone tonight - I will call Sunday

support@grief-and-comfort.com

www.grief-and-comfort.com

Storyas you're are so giving in opening up.  I think thats part of this process.  Willing to share.  Thank you :)  This weekend for me has gone much better.  I've said before that many times when I'm really aching something will happen that I believe my mom is behind to help give me some strength.  I think this may be the first time I actually caught myself thinking in terms of "me" or "I" instead of a "we" or me minus one thought.  If that makes sense?  It was comforting to feel that inside of me.  To begin to embrace a future where i know I'm traveling it without her near by but able to see something potentially bright in that journey.  That is way out of my hands.  It's as if she took over my saddened thoughts of her being gone and said.. it's ok.  Joy will come to you again.  I like it.  I don't know if it will last but I'm not figting it.  I had m&m's and didn't get sick for the first time since she passed.  This is also a good sign :)

Brenda Ann - Hi.  Thank you.  I still have one more letter to get out and one more meeting tomorrow to get the right approvals from the city to do the work on my property I told you about.  I'm going  to go to bed soon, so can you call me tomorrow, and do you have time to have lunch on Tuesday.

Mark - I'm glad you are feeling better.  I think your mom may have something to do with that too.  At my mom's funeral, I stood over her grave as they lowered her into the ground, and it was like my life passed before my eyes.  I came from a poverty most people can't believe, and due to that I assumed everyone who presented a need to me really had a need, because poverty is all I had known growing up.  At my mom's funeral, all of the people I had helped flashed before my eyes, and I realized that all of them were spoiled people who had grown up with wealth and wasted all of the opportunities their families had given them.  I checked it out a bit, and it was true.  And, since my mom died, whenever a con artist like that comes into my life, I see them more clearly.  I have been learning since that experience to be a good steward and only help those whose need is greater than my own family's need.  For the longest time, I felt guilty.  All I could think of was how much more I could have helped my parents than I did if I wouldn't have helped those people who were taking from our lack to feed their own excess.  Then, my dad died, and every since my dad died, I have found myself being very bold.  My dad was very bold.  He didn't take any crap from anyone, whereas I was always this passive passive person.  Since my dad died, I haven't hesitated to tell people what they need to hear or deserve to hear.  I was telling a friend of mine who is a counselor that one day, and I shared with her the guilt I'd felt since my mom died and i realized how much more I could have helped her in life had I not been a pushover.  My friend said, "Don't you realize that your Mom wasn't trying to make you feel guilty.  She was trying to teach you something that will make your life better and make you safer now that she is not here to protect you.  And the fact that you got so much bolder after your dad died is the gift he is giving you to keep you safer now that he is not here to watch over you - he is giving you his boldness.  When she said that, I stopped feeling guilty, and I started making decisions that would keep me safer.  And, I do believe that those very powerful experiences were my parents trying to give me a gift from the other side to keep me safer.  About a month after my dad died, I met this woman that I started hanging out with a lot.  She was very adventurous, so I had a great time.  Well, about three months ago my sister's nephew by marriage was shot and died as a hero saving an old woman from a gunman - he tackled the gunman.  While I was grieving that, this woman called me to ask me to do her a favor.  When I said no, she said, "He wasn't even related to you; he was your brother-in-laws nephew."  The whole community it happened in was devastated, but I wasn't allowed to be.  It was like everything just woke up in me and I started to remember all these horrible things she had subtly done to get me to do for her.  I took these gifts my parents gave me from the other side and got out of that relationship in just a few months instead of it dragging on for years like it would have in the past.  I deserve relationships where I at least get back when I have a need instead of always giving to people who want to take even when my need is greater.  I think that is a gift my parents gave me from the other side.

When my mother passed in March of this year it felt like someone incredibly strong punched a whole through my heart and it is nothing that can be done to be healed. How in the hell do I get through this? Help me!

Brette - I know exactly what you are feeling.  I never knew how to put it into words, but what you described is pretty much what I felt.  It does get easier with time, so hold on.  I'm not going to lie - it never really goes away.  But, it does get better enough with time that the pain becomes less palpable and you don't feel it like it's a physical sensation so much.  Just know that whatever you are going through is normal, and let yourself feel and express your feelings as you need to.  I was so close to my mom that a year after she died I started going to a grief support group, and I just started screaming out my pain when my time came to speak.  I thought they would all think I was crazy, but they all understood.  But, I started slowly feeling better after I started to talk.  It's been a few years since my mom died now.  I'm getting to the point where I don't hurt on a physical level the grief is so bad, but I still long for things to be the way they used to be.  I still miss her.  But, the pain does get a lot less intense and a lot easier to handle with time.

I couldn't have said it better Storyas. Brette, my mom passed in March too. There are days and nights I just cry and cry, just writing this makes me cry. I miss my mom terribly, I  think I've been a little in denial as to how much as I too have had a great deal of physical pain since she passed and my attitude has changed so much.  I just don't want to do anything, clean house, cook, buy groceries, go outside the house.  I keep running things through my head, like why didn't I catch on to the fact she had a brain tumor sooner, maybe we could have done things differently, what if she thought we gave up on her and let her die since we chose not to put her though surgery or radiation since it would only give her a few more weeks, maybe a couple more months. Whu didn't I hug her more, visit her more, so many things-so many shoulda, woulda, coulda's.  I feel guilty if I do focus on something else because then I feel like I should be thinking of her and missing her all the time.  I feel bad when I have a good time with my friends-thinking I should be mourning and sad. There are good days and then bad days..like today!

Mary - Wow!  You expressed so much of what I'm going through and so well.  I could choke on the guilt most days.  One of the reasons I don't want to let go of the past - i.e., keep wishing things were like they were before she got sick - is because all I can remember is every mistake I made.  If I would have done this when she was alive maybe she would have been happier.  If I would have done this when she was alive she might have stayed healthier.  If I would have done this when she was sick, she might still be alive.  I am feeling guilty for crap that happened when I was a child - if I wouldn't have back talked her when I was 8 years old.  It just devours you after a while.  I wonder why guilt is such a strong part of grieving.

I wish I knew Storyas.  I nearly lost my mom in 2004 which really made me do things differently and made me spend much more time with my mom and then last summer she was diagnosed with uterine cancer and she was not a candidate for surgery so they wanted to treat her with 35 radiation treatments.  I think the only reason she agreed to go through with it was for me and her grandkids.  She completed all the treatments and when she had her PET scan in January it showed the cancer in the uterus was gone,but that there were spots in her lungs.  She told me that she felt God had healed her and she wanted me to believe as well and to rejoice in her healing, but I just had this gut feeling and could not join in her rejoicing.  A few weeks before she was diagnosed with the brain tumor that took her life, I got sick and really felt horrible and could not go see her and when I talked to her on the phone I noticed little things that I thought-wow that is strange, but shrugged it off.  When I went to see her 7days later she acted like she'd not seen me in years-again I thought "strange", but never put two and two together. 4 days later she can't tell me who I am and was diagnosed with the brain tumor and 21 days later, she died.  I keep thinking if I just had not gotten sick, if I had not agreed to "rejoice" with her, if I had taken her to the doctor when I noticed those small things on the phone.  Or at the least I could have spent more time with her, told her I loved her a thousand times more, hugged her a thousand times more.  It fills my head constantly.  My entire body hurts all the time now, everyone keeps telling me to go see the doctor that I am probably depressed and need medication.  My mind tells me I deserve to hurt so not to go.

hi mary, my mom went to heaven on 2/22/12.  at least i hope she did.  she better be in heaven or i  couldnt go on.  i really understand how you feel. the day my mom went to heaven, i had held her hand all night , telling her that its ok.  i decided to come home on the train that day to check on my cat & she went to heaven a couple hours after i left.  i 1st beat myself up for not being there.  over & over.  then, i came to the conclusion that my being there wouldnt have made any difference.  i know she felt me holding her hand all night.  & i know she heard me when i told her everything is ok.   i really do understand.  the world is so awkward without her here on earth.  but she is in the best place of all.  i sure hope she is cuz ill be pretty pissed at god if she wasnt.

Hello Everyone,

I am new to the website and to this group, I lost my mom on May 27, 2012, I wanted to thank the owner of this group Karen for allowing me to join, this really means a lot i am having a really hard time dealing with my mom's passing.

Sincerely,

Mary

I am so sorry for you loss Mary Norris.  I lost my mom in March and it is very hard, and everyone tells you it gets easier-it does somewhat, but this group does help and everyone here can relate to your loss.  Please know we are all here for you.

Hello Mary,

Thanks so much for the comment, I appreciate that.

Sincerely,

Mary Norris

mary norris. i know how you feel.  my mom went to heaven on 2/22/12.  i cant believe its been that long.  i hate the time passing cuz this just makes it really real.  it seems so long ago & yet, like it just happened today.  oh how i wish i knew, really knew, that she was ok.  what a dirty trick that god wont let us know for sure.  

I had to comment Sandee love, I almost lost my mom in 2004, she coded and then went into a coma following a hip replacement and when she fully recovered, I had a talk with her and said if she died before me would she send me a sign that there was a heaven and she was there and she was happy.  She asked me what kind of sign and I said, how about a red balloon. She said she would see what she could do.  Two nites before my mom passed away we had a small storm blow in and my son was standing by the back window and suddenly said, "a balloon"  I jumped up and said what color was it, he said, "red or pink"  I ran to the side window and saw it blowing across the street into my neighbors yard then up and over her house. I immediately called hospice to check on my mom and they said she was unchanged.  I called my neighbor the next day and asked her if there was a red balloon in her yard and she said, "I saw something in the back corner but thought it was one of the dogs toys but I will go check."  She called me back and said indeed it was a red balloon and when I told her of my discussion with my mom some years back, she insisted on bringing me the balloon.  I placed the balloon in my basket next to my sofa. My mom passed away 2 days later.  I was home and trying to find my camera and was looking everywhere.  I left the dining room and went to the back of the house to check in our bedroom.  When I came back out to the dining room, the red balloon was on the floor next to my dining room chair. Noone else was in the house and it was not there when I left the dining room to go to the back of the house.  God somehow sent the balloon to me before my mom passed so that she would have a means to give me the sign.  So I know there is a heaven, I think I always knew, but moms sign to me proves it and I know she is happy, I knew she would be.  It helps, but I still miss her dearly and hurt a great deal because I grieve my loss of her so much.  I hope my story will help others.

thank you mary. i needed to hear that.  mary is my mom's name .  i have to believe that this is also a sign:)  the 1st week that my mom went to heaven i asked god to please send me a sign that she is ok. the next day i was on my way to empty the garbage & i noticed that the tree next door was blooming & i saw all the flakey blooms on the ground, which i had not seen before .  it caught my attention.  but of course, i was & still am so cynical, that i put it in the back of my mind.  how many signs do i have to see to believe that its my mom letting me know that all is well? i guess im angry that she is not here with me & i  am demanding definite proof.  oh god i miss her so much.

I understand Sandee love, even though I got my red balloon, I am always still looking for red balloons, but also what seems to bother me most is that my mom and I were so very close that I just naturally thought that when she died that I would feel her close to me, that her spirit would linger close and I'd feel her presence and although there have been a couple of times that I did, I haven't in a while and it really really bothers me. It's like where is she, why isn't she choosing to be here with me. All these crazy things going through my head.

Hi, Mary -- I was just sitting here thinking I was totally losing my mind. I totally get, "Where is she?!" "For real?" I'm choosing to believe that we're not nuts, choosing rather to find the gratitude that exists because of that closeness. Fine & dandy, but I still feel such horrific, out-of-control pain!