Sandra/Tracey I really have no other choice but to take care of my Mama's arrangements. I have 2 brothers but they have neveIr been involved in caring for my mama.  It has been both theraputic and the hardest thing I have ever had to do.   I am looking forward to seeing all 3 of my aunts and reminising about my mom and getting big hugs from them but then I have huge anxiety because I know at and after the services it will make mom's death real for me. 

Linda, your story sounds so familiar.  I also have two brothers, but they never helped with anything.  They didn't visit.  They didn't come to the funeral.  But, that is another story.  Until I met my husband, every man I'd ever dated was some needy idiot who I felt sorry for due to some situation he had created for himself or wasn't brave enough to get himself out of, and I'd learned to relate to men that way due to my brothers always forcing me to relate to them that way.  My husband was my best friend for years and years and years, and he finally talked me into giving a nice guy a chance, and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.  The many many years I've been married to my husband have been great, and he stood by me now matter how much time I had to spend away to take care of my dad and no matter what the stress did to my health and appearance.  The only reason I'm telling that story is to emphasize - why did I ever think two men like my brothers would help?  I knew I was on my own from day one, so I just bucked up and stayed the course no matter how hard it got or how sick I got - I just kept on plugging away cuz I knew I was the only one who was going to do anything.  So, you spend 24/7/365 with a person taking care of them, and you get closer than you ever thought you could get, and when they die you feel like the bottom has fallen out and you are floating.  When you are with someone 24/7/365 and share their fears of everything including their illness and dying, when you share the good times they are able to have, and when they get so bad that you do things you never thought you'd do for a parent like change their bowel movement pants and clean them up - you get so close that it feels like you are connected to them.  You forget where you end and they begin and vice versa, so when they die, you feel like a part of your soul was ripped out and destroyed.  When you've had it happen more than once - in my case first with my mom and then with my dad - your soul feels permanently damaged.  Then, people question why you are grieving so hard - yeah right?  Like I said in a previous message - we are the lucky ones, because we can feel.  It was hard, but I'm glad for every minute I had with my Dad, and I'm the lucky one.  I am not happy that the stress of caring for him is over.  When I was getting ready for the funeral and funeral reception, I was thinking that I could never get through it.  I kept telling myself - in four days this will be over, in three days this will be over.  At one time I was shopping for food for the funeral reception, and I looked up at heaven in the middle of the GFS and said, "God, my dad just died."  I just couldn't believe anyone expected me to walk through that day going to the store like I'd done every day he was alive, but he wasn't here any more.  Things couldn't possibly be the way they had always been, and I couldn't believe anyone expected me to do anything normal when my dad just died. 

Linda - the rest of my message - I ran out of room on the first one.  I honestly did not think I could make it through the funeral.  And, when I got to the funeral and saw him in the casket - I just started screaming.  I ran halfway down the aisle and then couldn't get any closer and just fell into a pew and started screaming.  I couldn't believe that body that I had so many times washed would never need washing again.  A bunch of people who worked at the nursing home though came and picked me up and helped me calm down and get through the funeral.  They are trained to do that.  They go through it every day.  So, I'm sure someone at your funeral home or someone from your church will pick you up and help you stand if you get to a point where you can't do it.  And, don't hesitate to tell people what you need at the funeral - if those brothers of yours won't help you then tell the funeral home staff what you need.  They see this every day, so they should know what to do. The sad part is that as much as I wanted to just get through the funeral, at least planning for the funeral kept my mind off of it and gave me something to keep me busy.  After the funeral, I didn't know what to do with my time.  I'd been going on almost no sleep for years taking care of him, and then I found myself with free time.  I laid on the couch for two weeks and stared at the tv, because I couldn't function.  This is not very re-assuring, but I'm not going to lie to you.  It will be hard, but rely on the staff at the funeral home to help you through whatever you need to get to the other side of this funeral.  If you don't have a good funeral home staff, rely on people from your church.  Or, call people from your church and have them come if you have been loosing contact with them due to being so busy caring for her.  Or, if you are going to another city for the funeral, call the pastor of a family members church.  Just make sure you get someone there to support you.  The funeral home staff at Spring Grove Cemetery where we buried my dad (and my mom before him) were just amazing.  After my mom died, they stayed in touch with my dad for years offering grief support, etc., so my Dad knew most of them, so they were really supportive of us.  I hope you have such a good staff at your funeral home.  I'll be praying for you.  I'm not going to lie to you - it will be hard, but if you can get through 18 years of caregiving and how hard that is, you do have the strength to get through this.  It sucks, and I wish you didn't have to get through it, but you do have the strength to do it.  You've already displayed more strength than most people have just be standing by her and caring for her.  It is a rare person who is able to do that.  I've seen so many old people dropped off at nursing homes and never get a visitor.  You are a rare and special person that you were there day after day while she was sick, so I know you can get through this funeral.  I will be praying for you.

Linda, when I first got to the funeral and saw him in the casket, i fell apart as I told you in my last post.  But, once everyone got me calmed down and I started to be surrounded by family and friends I actually calmed down and was able to be okay through the rest of the funeral.  I think all you can do now is find comfort in the fact that it will be over soon and that you will have family around you to support you.  The dread of it - I never found an answer for that.  I just kept pushing through and staying busy making arrangements and the being busy helped a little.  I just wish there was some easy answer or a magic wand I could wave over your head and make it okay, but unfortunately life doesn't work that way.  I do know that you have the strength to get through it.  You probably don't realize now what a monumental feat it was taking care of your mom for 18 years, but it was a monumental feat.  If you can do that, you can do anything.  The only problem is that the things that were hard when you were taking care of her were combined with the joy of the comfort you brought her and the love you shared with her, and you don't have that in the funeral part.  But, once this is all over and look back you are going to realize the strength of steel you had to allow you to take care of her for 18 years.  And, I know that wherever we go when we die (wherever it is I do know from the after death experiences I had that it is good) that she is so so so very grateful for what you did for her.  I'm sure she is thanking God right now that you were in her life to love her so much.  My dad spent his last year in a horrible abusive nursing home, because he was too bad to be away from an Rn.  But, they were so bad to all the residents that I still ended up staying there around the clock and taking care of him cuz the aides wouldn't do it and only one Rn would do it.  Once her shift was over, I would be begging nurses to do the things for him I couldn't do, and he waited as long as 17 hours sometimes.  They did heavily fine the owner of the nursing home and close it down.  But, I learned from that experience that very few old people get the kind of care you and I and many others on this site gave our parents, and you should be proud of yourself for that.

Linda, watch for After Death Experiences.  They are very real.  A lot of them happened to me, especially after my dad died but after my mom died too.  My dad was a much more aggressive personality than my mom, so I think he was able to get through easier, so I got a lot of messages from him.  As close as the two of you were, I bet she is giving you messages.  Just keep watching for them.  I bet she keeps trying till she finds the one that catches your attention.  Blessings to you.

Hello all sorry been MIA for a while, my moms been gone a yr as of April 7th. and guess what?? it still sucks! Not getting easier for me. Today would have been my moms 55th birthday to young in my opinion to be gone. We always celebrated together since my birthday is 4 days after hers. last yr I was too numb to feel the hurt so it's very raw for me this yr. I hate feeling so negative towards every celebration but how can I feel like celebrating now that's she's gone? Her death has truly changed me as a person, I'm not happy. I know she would be upset at me for this but I can't. I'm not happy without her. Now my children get to grow up with a depressed moody mother joy for them. Well guess they won't miss me when It's my time to die. Sorry all I'm having an off day, I'm not always this negative and I do try to put on a happy face for my kiddo's I'm blessed to have them.

Somedays I feel like superwoman, others I feel like I need one. I have been going through my moms stuff and am pretty much done. Now it's time to plan her service. Almost 3 months now. No help from the family, and I feel like I can't break down. Someone's got to do this. But I am breaking down. I am an emotional wreck. All these questions. Would she have lived longer living with me instead of the nursing home? Should I have went against her wishes and recesitate her? Will I really ever see her again? Did she hear me when I said my last good-byes?

Hello Everyone,

Last night I received another phone message from my mother on my cell phone. It said "Sue It's Momma". Thats all. Funny thing is she hated it was I called her "Momma". She would say don't call me "Momma"! And I would laugh. This is the 3rd call on my cell phone. I let my boss listen to it so someone would believe or possibly believe me. My mother passed June 26, 2011. It is NOT an old message because they are all deleted after 21 days. It's my mother. She contacts me because I have opened the possibilites for her to do so. Please....get your heart and mind to a place that is not filled with anger and complete pain. Thats when you hear from them. I swear to my Lord Jesus Christ I am being completely honest with you all. Love Sue

It is the personality we miss when they are gone, but their souls and love remains.

On May 9, 2012 it will be 2 years since my mom passed away. I wish that she was still hear with me and my family. I think and look at her picture everyday. It still hasn't got any easier since her death.

My mom passed away in March of this year, just 21 days after she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I miss her so much my heart aches and I can't stop crying and I can't function, I don't want to function.  I felt her so near me the first few days after she died but now I don't.  It consumes my thoughts thinking I will never get to hug her again, never get to hear her voice, tell her I love her and hear her say it back.  It hurts so much.

Melissa - I haven't been on for a few days, so there are quite a few new messages, but I'm choosing to respond to yours out of all of them, because I know exactly how you feel.  That is how I feel most of the time.  I had a dream today.  I was sick and laying on the couch doing Reiki on my stomach - I think I'm having digestive stuff from stress.  I fell asleep doing Reiki, and I had a dream that I woke up and started crying.  I was with my mom.  She was always a housewife in life, but in this dream she was in an office type place and she was doing work.  At the end, she was even typing even though she never knew how to type in life.  I was following her around talking to her.  I don't remember all of it, but I do remember telling her that she was gone but everything was the same here and I needed to visit her where she was and see how she was living since she was gone.  Then I said that I knew I couldn't do that.  And, I remember seeing an image of the church where she had gone in life and realizing she was not there and nothing was the same - the same people are not there, etc - at least not all of them.  Then, I remember saying to her that the doctors  said she was going to die but she was still alive and that I was surprised by that and I wanted to know if she was still treating her cancer.  It was a very upsetting dream.  I woke up crying.  I feel like you - no joy.  I can't move forward.  I only want to do things with her, and she is not here any more.  I can't seem to move forward without her.  When I have these dreams, it's usually me doing the talking and she's just listening.  Sometimes I think maybe she is mad at me, but I think maybe she is not responding too much so that I don't hold onto the relationship we used to have.  I think maybe she is trying to get me to move on.  I don't know.  I feel all of your pain -everyone who left messages.  It surely hasn't gotten much easier for me.  I don't even feel like I'm totally in this world any more.  I feel like half of me is over there or I'm disconnected from my body or something.

Judy, I totally agree. although my mother wasn't in a nursing home, she needed alot of care. I was her caretaker. We did many fun things together as well. I have friends,but, my mother was my best friend. Now, i sit and talk to my pets. they are the only reason I sometimes feel i have to go on. I feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. My mom pawwed away in December 2011

I think ......  is there a heaven and hell......  my Mama would be heaven and when I die will I see her again....  the thought of never seeing her after this life is just to much to bear for me....  If I commit suicide will I go to hell?  I tried looking it up in the bible and cant find anything about suicide....

May 5th was my Mama's funeral/memorial services back home in Indiana....  everyone said after that I would find some closure...  but they were wrong... I thought maybe it would be my magical pill but I have found it even more difficult since the services....  I just cry all the time and am very emotional.  Will this ever get any better?  How do I go on without her?

my youngest daughter turns 18 in july and is talking about moving back to Indiana.  She knows how hard I am having it now and can't believe she is really going to leave me right now.....  I feel like I have no purpose in life anymore.....  What do I do now?  My Mama and my kids were the center of my universe now they are all grown up and and mama is gone... so now what?

Linda

Storyas Fawnfeather,

Thank you for replying to me :) I also had a dream that was odd I'll message it to you. I hope things get better for us all. Today I'm sure will be hard for us all. Big Hugs!

melissa

Two weeks ago I signed up to work for the Mother's Day holiday for FTD.com to work from home. I did the Valentine's season. I thought that I could handle taking customer service calls for the floral company this holiday. My sister told me that it would be hard, but I told her that I would be fine. My husband asked me this morning whether I wanted to work. i told him that I was fine and we needed the money. I lead myself and everyone to believe that I would be great to work on Mother's Day. I only worked a hour and a half today. After taking 6 calls I knew that I could not finish the day. I finished a call and started to cry. It was way too much for me. It made me think about my mom and how I couldn't say Happy Mother's Day to her. How Mother's Day is more than flowers and candy. Its about being with your loved ones and being appreciate for you contribution. I am never one to just give up, but I had to tell my supervisor that it was just to hard for me to work. I Its almost been a year and it still hurts like it was last week. I am trying to rally for my kids and husband but it is so hard. All I want to do is cry and lay in my bed. When does this get any better where it is hard and hurt so badly?

Well I am assuming we all made it through Mother's Day. I bought my mom some roses and put them next to her ashes on my mantle.

I made it through my first Mother's Day without my mom.  It wasn't easy, I cried everytime someone sent me a text, left me a voice mail, or posted on my Facebook wall.  I stayed in bed until 11AM-was aiming to stay in there all day, but couldn't.  My own children-19 and 22 failed to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, but just when I thought all was lost, my son walked in with a banana split for me :) I was more upset that I could not get out and get flowers and put them on my mothers grave-it poured all day long and the cemetery was flooded-I guess that probably made my mom happy since she always told me NOT to waste my money on flowers.  I just keep thinking maybe this is a bad dream and not real.

Mary,

You made it through the day. XO Sue

It's been a month since my mom passed away.  Mother's Day was difficult.  It's hard to imagine how I am going to deal with other days such as Thanksgiving and Christmas without her.  Her passing created a void in my life that is difficult to explain in words.  Work keeps me busy but its when I'm home that I miss her the most as the quietness of the house reminds me that she is really gone.  I miss her voice the most and wonder if time really does help...hard to imagine things will get better.

Hi Matt

My mom has been gone almost 8 months and my Dad passed away a year and a half ago.  It has not got easier for me.  Mother's Day was horrible.  I now am realising the extent of my loss.  I am 26 and am not married and have no children.  I have a younger sister who I only get to see every second weekend.  It is tough and it is not something to get over, it is something you must learn to live with.  I must try and find a way to do this, it is very difficult for me.  I cry at work almost every day, I miss my parents so much it hurts like crazy.  I am seeing a grief counsellor and it helps a little, but the pain is always there.

Nicole,

I just take one hour at a time. When I start thinking about sad thoughts I just say "don't go there" to myself. I miss my mother every minute of my life. At night I wake up crying out her name at times. What would your mother and father want you to do with your life? Would they be sad to see you the way you are right now? If you believe in life after death (and I do), you must realize they can sense how you are doing. The word "watching down on us", is a metaphor I don't like to use. My mother comes to me when she knows I need her support. I have given her permission to be happy where she is now and not worry about me. She is very happy to be with her mother, father and brother and many that went before her. Our life on this earth is so temporary. Remember each day brings you closer to your turn to go and be with God and your loved ones. Death is like birth...the beginning of another journey. Believe me I miss my mother every second. I cry. I feel so alone. Then I think about how much pain she was in with the cancer that destroyed her physical self. We are all going to die. It is just a matter of when and how. If today was your day - would you be prepared? Love Sue

Mothers Day was horrific.  The day after on Monday it was exactly 5 months.  I've stayed away from this website running from as many emotions as I can.   The heavy blanket that seems to hang over me is unbearable.   I swear it's getting harder and harder.  Last night I sat eating taco bell bawling realizing moms favorite fast food was Taco Bell.  My soul cannot seem to grasp that she's really gone.  I mean, I know she's gone but the idea I'll never see her again it just doesn't compute.  I can't shake that final image of her expelling her last breath.   No one talks about it with me.  I'm infuriated with the woman I allowed to sit with us that final night.  She has blatantly blown me off and avoided me and all along I felt so uncomfortable with her there only to realize we were nothing but a bad train wreck to gawk at.  I hope she rots in hell for what she pulled.    I guess I'm suppose to be past that point in their eyes.  People have shocked the hell out of me at how they just can't deal with my loss.  Sometimes there are days I swear I feel like it won't be long and I'll be done with this misery.  I have no fear of death.  I just can't believe she's gone.   

Sunny - I know how you feel.  I have gotten rid of very very little of my parents stuff.  I still have my mom's clothes.  Everyone told me I should give them to charity, but I have a friend who is a social worker who is the head of one of those charity shops, and clothes that don't get sold in 30 days get shredded.  She said that is common practice.  I can't stand the thought of that happening to my mom's clothes, especially since she made most of them herself - she loved to sew.  Therefore, I am keeping them.  And, on the day when I can bear to take a pair of scissors to them and cut them up, I will make quilts for her grandchildren.  I can not yet bear to cut them up to make quilts out of them, but I am getting closer.

Melissa, I just got back on after a few days.  I got your friend request and accepted it and just sent you a message.  But, I did not get your dream.  Can you tell me where you sent it to.  You know - I kept thinking and thinking and thinking about what my mom was doing in that place where I saw her in my dream.  I don't think she was typing.  I think she was sewing.  She loved to sew.

Marlene, Judy, Kaliha - I can relate to how all of you feel.  I used to have a lot of passion in my life:  i loved life.  I realize now my parents, especially my mom, were the fuel for that.  So, little matters now and there seems to be so little to look forward to.  A dog I got after my dad died one year ago last week is the one thing that keeps me going.  And, I blacked mothers day out this year.  I didn't even go to my mom's grave.  The only way I could handle it was to pretend it wasn't happening, and I did that well.  A week after it was over I realized it was over and I thought - I owe her some flowers.  I didn't realize how good I could be at blocking unpleasant memories.  I had wanted to take her to his revolving restaurant that does a great mothers day brunch for mothers day.  Now, we will never be able to do that.

I have not been on for a couple of weeks, so I missed a lot of messages.  I want to congratulate you all on making it through mother's day even though it was so painful.  You are all much stronger than you feel, because grief makes us feel weak.  I made it too.  But, I want to make sure I respond to Mark.  Mark - I can feel your pain.  From the words you say, I can tell that you are feeling your grief at loosing your mom much the way I felt grief right after my mom died.  Your taco bell story broke my heart.  My mom loved to eat.  She mostly loved to go out and eat.  So, there are restaurants that I went to with her frequently that I will never walk into again.  It was so hard to watch her loose her appetite.  She loved lemon merangue pie (I know I spelled that wrong) and in her last days the nurse kept bringing her a tray.  On one tray was a piece of lemon merangue pie, and she wanted to eat it.  She took two bites and pushed it away.  I still feel guilty every day, because I think I should have not done this or that other thing I did and spent much more time with her going out to eat even though I did go with her at least once per week.  It just seems like anything I did with her when she was alive was not enough now that she is not here to do it with.  I am a very soft hearted person who gets used a lot due to how soft hearted I am, and my mom and dad were the only two people on the planet that I know for sure really cared about me.  I feel guilty all the time for the people I spent time with or did for when my mom needed me more.  Those people used me up til my well ran dry and then went away, but my mom was always there and now she is the only person I really want to spend time with (other than my dad who is also gone), and I can't spend time with her.  My guess is that you were as close to your mom as I was my mom, and that is why the way you are grieving sounds so familiar to me.  My mom was the best friend I ever had.  We did everything together.  We went to the grocery store, the bank, the post office, shopping for clothes, out to eat - everything together.  Sometimes I feel like I'm disconnected from life now.  I'll be walking along down the street and think, "Oh, I'm still here.  I'm still alive."  Nothing holds the meaning it used to hold.  I know there is some work I have to do before I go be with her, and I truly hope that when my time comes I see her again, but I'm just not fully a live since she left.  And, in spite of saying all of this, I will say that it does slowly get better.  It is better now than it was when she first died.  When she first died I took my breaths so shallow that when I finally healed enough to take a deep breath I was so aware of breathing again that I was surprised at how little I had been breathing.  So, it does slowly get better.  I don't know what the answer is.  I wish I did, so I could share it with you.  All I can say is that I'm willing to talk or listen if you ever need a friend.  I am sorry you are hurting so badly.

Hello Friends,

It is obvious that all of us are so alike it that we love and care very passionately, especially for our mothers. It will be a year June 26th that my mother passed. It is just as painful this minute as it was a year ago. I recently opened up my life and my heart to a man I met on a website called Plenty of Fish. My friends encouraged me to join this site to meet a guy. Long story short he ended up being a complete liar. He hurt me knowing he was the first man I have let into my life since my divorce 3 years ago. So...I find myself looking again at this sad person in the mirror. I know this to shall pass because I am a strong woman. I've proven that to myself. So I guess dating is out of the picture for me because honestly....I can't handle the BS. I miss my mother so much. She was all I had that was honest. Love Sue

Sue, I am so sorry about your mom and the upcoming anniversary of her death isn't helping any.  And, it's so much harder when you are alone.  Even though my husband is not the most compassionate person in the world and rarely knew how to handle my grief, sometimes it was helpful just to have him sitting next to me on the couch at night watching tv, so I would not feel alone.  I think you can meet a great guy sometime, but just be wary of those dating sites.  Those things attract a lot of calculating people.  My husband was married once before.  He met the woman on the website.  He found out too late that she was a liar - after she had taken him for everything he had.  We still have five years of recovering from it after we were married, and he'd already been recovering from it for a while then.  People can say anything on those websites.  Maybe you could join a group that has gentlemen in it where you could get to be their friend first like a book club or dancing (our city has free dances to keep old dance styles alive on the weekend), which is a great way to meet a guy cuz they need a partner or church or something.  I do hope you meet someone, but you need to be careful where you  meet them.  I'd avoid bars too.  Although I'm sure there are some great guys in bars, there are also a lot of people (men and women) there who are just on the make, so you have to be super careful.

Storyas,

Thank you for writing back. I am so mad at myself for being duped by this guy. My boss/best friend did a back ground check on him and it came out OK. We both think he is married/or attached and just wanting some excitement on the side. I wrote him an e mail for closure for myself. I don't do the bar thing unless it is an after work thing with friends - home by 7 pm. I have lived in the same town for 35 years and know everyone. He lives about 1 hour away in Naples. Everything in life is a lesson.

I am so happy to have found this site.  Thank you to everyone for their honesty about their pain, I don't feel so alone or crazy.  Its so hard to loose my mom.  Its been 10 days since she passed away from cancer, on Mother's Day.  I am so grateful because she spend the day with me one last time.  Its hard with summer coming and all the things we had planned and that she won't be there.  Its still unbeleivable to me that I will never talk to her again, my best friend.  When the phone rings for split second I think maybe its her, then reality hits.  People have stopped calling and sending cards, it feels like I'm suppose to

be over it by now, everyone else has moved on, but me.  I miss her so much I can barely breath sometimes.  I feel like I'm in daze and I'm trying so hard to come out of it for my son's sake.  I know she would want be to be there and in the moment with him.  Thanks for listening.  Take care.

Sue - You're right.  Life is a lesson.  My husband had a similar experience with his ex-wife.  She had no criminal record, but after he was married to her he found out that she was a con artist, that she took people for money when she could get away with it, etc. - and she kept getting away with it till she died last year from a blood illness that may have come from drug use (no, my husband does not have it, he was tested - thank God).  I think she had mental disease.  She could charm people so easy and make people think he was the crazy one when he was only going crazy cuz she was making him crazy.  After that experience, I tell everyone that they need to be careful about meeting people on the internet.  I'm so super careful.  I'm not on Facebook, Linked In or anything.  A person with a criminal record is just somone who got caught, but there are lots of dishonest people out there who look really good on paper.  I think it's best if you try to meet someone in that small town where you know everyone.  It takes a long time to get to know someone well enough to know you can trust them.  And, unfortunately, kind hearted people seem to be targets for these types of personalities.  I've had a few of them in my life too.  One of them I was so mad that I asked point blank, "Why did you use me like this?"  The answer - "You were so kind I knew I could get away with it."  It is good to be a kind person, but it takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable enough to be kind.  Be careful.  I will pray for you that you meet a special friend to help you through this time - a trustworthy special friend.  May I add you, first name only for privacy, to my prayer list at church.  I know that most of the people at my church actually do take the time to pray.

Aimee - you are not alone or crazy.  I think the people who don't feel much when they loose someone are the crazy ones.  We who hurt like heck are the normal ones, because we know how to love.  And, you are not alone - we are here.  Maybe some of the people you think have moved on are feeling as bad as you do, but sometimes its harder to open up to those who are closest to us.  That's why we are here.  And, it is hard to face things like summer or any other time we loved spending time with our loved one.  It does get easier with time, but I'm not sure if it ever goes away.  It sounds like you were like me and my mom.  I never lived more than a few blocks away from her, and we did everything together.  Some guy in New Orleans wanted to marry me about twenty years, and there was no way I was moving that far away from my parents.  I turned him down.  We tried to make it work long distance for a couple of years, but it finally fizzled out.  I'm not sorry.  I would have rather been with my mom, and I never doubted I made the right decision to stay here with my parents.  But, when you are that close to them like you were to your mom and I was to my mom, it hurts like heck when we loose them, because our every day was with them, and we've got to go on living our every day without them.  That stinks!  But, I do think your mom and my mom would both want us to live in the moment and enjoy our lives, but that's not so easy to do.

Storyas,

Thank you for writing back, your support is very much appreciated.

aimee-- first off im new to this, i cant believe i just found this..... i lost my mom 6 years ago..... also to cancer and i too was very very close to her. she was my best friend and although it wont ever be the same all we can do is adjust and make a new normal.  i agree with storyas you arent crazy, your normal and yes in time it does get a little better but you're always gonna miss her, i have found that what helps me is i do things that my momma use to do to give me some sense of normal.  of course it took me 5 years to get to that point, she use to make the best christmas cookies and this past years i had been wanting them so i finally attempted but all i got was making the dough cause after that i got upset and couldnt stop crying cause i was so hurt and mad that she wasnt here to make them with me like every other year.... i can proudly say that i finally made them and mastered her recipe :) it was one of the best feelings to hear from the family that they were so good and just like hers... also on Easter my momma would make a bunny cake so this year i suprised everyone with it and my cousin paid me of the best compliments i could ever have been told. She told me that having the cake there made it seem like my momma was really there... so these things have helped me and in time you will be able to do the things you and your momma did.  but like everyone says you arent alone. i cant tell you its gets easier cause me personally it doesnt... it just gets easier to accpet.  i hope these have been some words of encouragement for you.

sue--- well thats pretty sorry bout that guy and im sorry bout your mommas anniversary, to me the first year was the hardest... i stayed busy cause i had to work that night (graveyard shift) which happen to be around the time she died and i told everyone just to leave me alone... you arent alone even if its just a friend on a blog you always have someone to listen or talk to.  i know what you mean bout feeling alone... i was engaged when my momma passed and she loved my ex.  he told her he was going to take care of me and not worry and well after she passed i drowned myself in work. i worked two jobs and was usually tired when i got home... he would go play cards with the guys so i assumed it was ok cause i just wanted to rest. well a year and half later i find out he was cheating i tried sticking it out but i couldnt we went our separate ways and all i could think bout was now i was alone cause he was all i had after my mom.  anyway i tend to ramble so im gonna stop but point of my reply was it will get better after my ex i was single for about 4 years and finally have met a decent good guy that is amazing.   my momma would have loved him. and im sorry your expierence with plenty of fish was awful that happens to be where i met my guy, but i would be careful also a friend of mine had tried another one called okcupid and she had a similar expierence. just be careful but one day when its time for you to meet your prince you will. i know the hardest thing is to be patient but in due time :) when i met my bf i had made a new years resolution that i gave up on love and i wasnt gonna look for it and had forgotten bout the profile i had made and well we connected but of course i took my precautions. 

well ladies i think i have rambled enough i hope my insight does help you a little. have a GREAT day and God Bless!

Eric - I know  where you are coming  from i am still dealing with the same things  as  you are  my mom passed away 3 years ago  and it still hurts   the  mostly what hurt the most  is  i  don't  have no  more more family  to depend on to call on  no more  that sucks,  Yes  when i make my mom's recipes i feel like she  is with me  and  yes  the hoildays  still are the most hardest part for  me  ,  i  had  a christmas  party  this  last year  and my son  made  the speech  in the honor of my mom  we  do this  every  year  because  she  is the one  who brought all of us  togather  for  family .  And  yes  it does get easyer too.. just  takes  time ..  this year  i went out  to the grave to put out flowers  for mother's day  and  for  the hoildays  and  my son  told me  Mom good job  you  did'nt shead a tear.. i laughed at him - cryed later.. fooled  him...  good bless you Erica ,

sharon-its especially hard when you dont have family but you have your son and thats awesome. i still dont have kids and what hurts is they will only know memories of her... as for no family i know exactly what that is like.... my immediate family is gone... but in time we will make new traditions and keep their spirit alive...have a great night and thank you for sharing.----erica

I think it's great that you all are able to keep traditions alive such as baking/cooking things our moms cooked.  I haven't been able to do that.  I tried to cook a few things my mom cooked and they were horrible compared to hers.  My mom was such a good cook and no matter how much she tried to teach me I just was never good like her.  My niece is good like her, and so is my nephew, but I just don't have the gift.  My mom made the best fried chicken in the world.  Her meatloaf was one of a kind.  Her salmon fritters still make my mouth water for them.  She used to go in the woods and pick poke and cook it and it was amazing, but that can be poison if not done right, so I'm too afraid to try that.  Her lemon meringue pie was out of this world.  Yet, when I cook any of these things they just don't even taste close to the same, so I just gave up.  The memories of her awesome cooking will be what keeps her alive in my heart a little bit.  I'm sure you can tell by the list of foods she's so good at that we are southern.  Oh yes - and her chicken and dumplin's could have won awards.  I sure miss her cooking, but I miss her way more than her cooking.  I think its great that some of you are able to keep those kitchen memories alive.

hi all, i am new to this forum and am hoping for some inspiration, i lost my mum suddenly in march this year, she was 57, 90% of the time i am ok but this last week i have really struggled, i have become quiet, deep in thought, i am pushing people away and feel i am carrying alot of guilt, this is still very raw for me, has anybody els experienced this x

Sharron - yes, I have felt all of these.  The strongest and most difficult one for me was guilt.  I blamed myself for everything from not being able to save them to every mistake I made while taking care of them (and every mistake I perceived I made) and every mistake I'd made during my entire life with them.  The guilt choked me for a long time.  I'm just now starting to get over it.  I also felt everything else you tell me you feel.  I have been told by a lot of people that are of these feelings are common to grief.

Sharron - do you know what has helped me a lot.  I met a person on the I lost my dad group, and we discovered that our dad's that we had lost were so much alike.  So, we had this long thread going telling each other stories about our dads - their humor, jokes they told, what they liked to eat, etc.  Usually those things hurt me to think about, but when I built a rapport with someone who really got what I was saying and starting sharing good stories, it made me feel a bit better.  Maybe you could share some of those stories either on here or with a close friend.  I was amazed at how remembering my dad in a good way as I told his stories helped me to feel better, at least for a while.

thankyou for your replies guys, im having a better today and have got alot off my chest with family members that for some reason i pushed away but really we are all feeling the same

I started missing Mom today...it was early in the morning at work and I just thought if I could only call her and tell her everything that's going on. I used to call her almost every day and Mom always maid me feel better about everything happening in my life. With out Mom I feel like my life as this certain coldness...like something at my core just died with her. I miss her so much. Even though I am Twenty Nine I still feel like I need her guidance...My dad once said this about how I dress as of lately. "IT IS NOT A SUIT OF ARMOR AND DOES NOT PROTECT YOU FROM YOUR SADNESS." I guess he never thought that maybe I feel like the worst has already happened. Mom is gone forever. Will never get to talk again. She won't be able to spend time with her Animals she loved so much. She'll never get to see what happens with me in my life. It is in it's own way really bad and saddening and I'm making my own way threw it...Today was just harder to get threw at times...  

It will be 6 months next week since my mom passed away. I do have a few decent days. However, today was awful. i know it was wrong, but, i kept saying that i want to be with her. I broke down crying and had a horrible day. i don't think it iwll ever get easier.

Jean - I'm sorry you are having such a bad day.  The phone was the hard thing for me too when my mom died.  I couldn't believe that she wouldn't be on the other end when I dialed.  Even when she was dying, I would sit and stare at the phone and think how awful it would be when that phone didn't connect with her any more.  I also talked to my mom every day.  It does get better.  But, I know what you are saying.  I felt like something died with me too when my mom died.  I always had this extreme passion about life, and I understood when she died that she was the fuel behind it - her and her love.  I once gave her the song "Wind Beneath My Wings" and told her that was how she was to me.  I never realized how true it really was until she was gone.  I'm just now starting to feel a little passion about life again, but it is rarely two days in a row.  When it is back for a few hours or a day, I remember that is what it used to feel like when mom was alive - I think that feeling is feeling alive myself.  I am just hoping that with time I will feel alive again most days and that one day when my time is up I'll be with her again.  It's amazing how similar all of us who loved and lost our moms feel.

Meriene - it is not wrogn to feel like you want to be with her again.  You love her.  I feel that way all the time.  I still have dreams where I'm with her and she is in the afterlife happily doing her thing and I'm chasing after her practically begging for things to be the way they used to be.  And, I guess some would say that is selfish of me, but she seems to have a handle on it cuz in the dreams she keeps telling me she's okay where she is.  The only thing I can say is that if you ever feel like you want to be with her so much that you feel suicidal, please call an ambulance or go to the emergency room.  Your mom would not want you to die that way, and a few years down the road when you've had time to recover you will see that you didn't really want to die that way either.  I truly believe your mom is watching you from heaven, and I believe that she would be very scared for you if she ever thought you might miss her so much that you would harm yourself.  Please promise me you will see a doctor if it ever gets that bad.

marlene, i know how you feel hun but as storyas fawnfeather said your mum wouldnt want you to be thinking like that, i really do know how you feel but just keep this thought, she will be at your side every second for the rest of your life, urging you to be strong, just keep her memory alive......... and smile cos she would of wanted that x