Today was a bad day and I dont even know why. I hope sleep  comes easily tonight. I could use a good nights sleep.

Sounds great Laura!  Wish i could look forward to something as special in remembrance of mom.  Bad day!  Hopefully will have a good one soon to have a bit more hope for my future!  Take good care and keep omn living! You Go Girl!

 I did not think I would be able to part with my mother's clothes so soon, but in one of those moment where you act without thinking, I found myself at a nursing home with a big tote full of Mom's clothes and shoes.  I lugged the tote to the nurse's station, told the nurse that my 82 year old mother recently passed away and I was wondering if  any of the patients could use Mom's clothes.  She said they would love to have them and could definately put them to good use.   As she helped me off-load the clothes from my tote into plastic bags, I noticed a group of elderly ladies in their wheelchairs gathered nearby, watching and listening. I smiled and said hello but being the emotional time that it was, I couldn't say much more.  As I turned to leave,  the ladies said "thank you" and one reached out at patted my hand.... such a simple gesture but one of the kindest expressions I have received, as by their expressions I could tell their thoughts were not on the clothes, but on their Mothers and I knew they understood. 

I wrote this and thought I posted it last year but no one ever responded to it so I'm re-posting. 

My mom passed away suddenly on October 23, 2010. She was 83 years old and was still working...go mom! She'd had stents placed in 2009 in her heart and was doing great and then out of nowhere had a heart attack on October 8th and was admitted to the cardiac unit at an area hospital. I got to the hospital in time to talk to her and be with her till it was time for her to go into the cardiac cath lab for the doctor's to check the stents and add new ones or re-stent. My sister and oldest brother were there with me and we all told her we loved her and that she'd be fine right before they took her in for the procedure and when they brought her out she was on a ventilator and never regained consciousness. This all happened on October 9th because she went into emergency around 2am and they got her stabilized. From that moment forward we were never able to communicate with her again. The doctors were optimistic in the beginning but it was a roller coaster. Some days she show signs of getting better then others she'd be the same or worse. She had an advanced medical directive that we were following regarding her wishes for treatment, etc. They'd given her 3 units of blood and she started bleeding internally and her other organs began to fail so we decided, along with her doctors, and following the directive, that we needed to let her go. It was the hardest decision we ever had to make. My sister, two brothers and I and our spouses and other family members gathered around her bedside on October 23rd as they removed her from the ventilator and she slipped away quietly at 5:50pm. It had been storming badly all day long but as we were all leaving the hospital, so numb from what we'd all been through, the clouds parted and the brightest beam of sunlight shown through. We felt it was a good sign. We all still miss her so, so much. In fact I've been decorating for Christmas today and had to stop because I was crying so much. If anyone had told me a year ago that mama wouldn't be here this Christmas I wouldn't have believed them. I feel so lost without her. Some days I'm okay but others I'm a total mess. I'm so thankful to have found this website.

Hi Janice; I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom. For me its been two months and even though mom was ill for a long time before her death, we still were not prepared. She was only 72 and had so much she wanted to accomplish. I miss her so much and have contemplated an easy end to life so I can be with her but I know that would hurt my family so bad. The only thing that gives me comfort is knowing she's no longer suffering emotional and physical pain. She had endured so much loss from a very early age. The last straw was ehen my 43 year old brother died suddenly last year. I was so angry at God for putting such a burden on my mom who was recovering from cancer. I know the pain you are going through, I don't have any words of comfort to give you but just know I understand and are here for you dear. Take care.

Janice-

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I loss my moma who was only 63 last July to a massive heart attack.  She was perfectly fine one day and gone the very next.  Every day is like a roller coaster physically and emotionally.  The latest bomb to drop is that my dad is looking at engagment rings for a woman he has only been dating for 2 1/2 months.  He began dating before my beloved Moma had been gone for a year.  My whole life is upside down so I understand that some days are are a total mess and other days you are "okay".  I pray that God will bless you during this time and that we all can find the peace we so desperately need.

It's been crazy lately. Losing my mom was so hard, and it has wiped me out emotionally and physically. I no longer care about the things I cared about before. I feel so overwhelmed and sad. I literally have cried almost every day since. I cannot begin to tell you how much I hurt inside. How am I supposed to go on alone? I have no family that I am close to, and both of my parents are dead. My boyfriend is supportive, but we've been dating 4 years. We're not married, and the loss of my mom just makes me feel more like I'm not part of his family. It makes me feel more separated from them.

Mercy

I know exactly how you feel. I get sick to my stomach when it hits me. And it hits me at least once a day. I got upset at a friends house the other day when I went to pick up my son from her sons birthday party. Her mom was there helping with the birthday party just like my mom used to do with me. I just started crying. I just got out of there as quickly as possible. I was mad cuz she still has her mom. It just isnt fair is it? Hang in there all. one day at a time.

Laura

Rachel; as you know I have a little girl and I rarely ever get a chance to chat when I'm home. I just got this message about your hospitalization. Are you ok, pplease dear, keep me posted.

Mercy

Hi Donna, I saw a grief counselor for about 12 weeks.  It was insightful to learn grief doesn't come in stages but in cycles.  she told I could expect to grief one month for every year I lived with my mom.  since I lived with her most of my life that is about 4 years of grief.  I was delusional, I thought I could move on faster than that.  they say group grief counseling is good but I am a very shy person and couldn't do that. 

I hope you have a good experience.

Elaine:  I know you're hurting.  We all know how that feels.  Circumstances differ but your Mom would want you to go on.  And she is with you, she's watching over you.  I've been crying for months and feeling very very bad.  I know my mom doesn't want me to feel this way.  She wants me to be happy and right now that seems impossible. 

Look at my last entry.  The co-worker I told you about is getting worse, cancer is spreading.  She in stage 5.  Everything is starting to shut down. It made me so sad, she is only 46.  And then I'm whining about my loss.  I felt so quilty.  Her daughter is pregnant and she's doesn't know if she'll get to see her grandchild.  So sad.

Elaine: have you gone to a grief support group or counselor to help you deal with your loss?

Elaine, I lost my Mom one month ago today.  She was 70, died of lung cancer and colon cancer.  She never smoked a day in her life, a very kind and understanding person.  I was by her bedside when she died, that image is like a movie played again and again in my head.  I cry every time I think about her.  I found the half-knit sweater she made for me while going through chemo, and her hand-written recipes....

As I was driving home from work yesterday, I heard the station was playing Bruno Mars' "Talking to the Moon", my eyes were full of tears, I couldn't see the road ahead of me.  How I wish I could talk to her again.  People say there is life after death, but I have not seen any signs.  I want my Mom back!

Elaine, many people in this world are going through the same thing you are going through.  Let's help each other.