So....May 29 the will be 9 years..... I have the hole in my heart....I have tried to fill in some of that space by my memorial fund that gives families that have folk with special needs and serious medical issues hugs with random acts of kindness donation.  It helps to see the generosity of the donors and the emotional impact it has made for recipients.  Yes there is a void that will never be filled.....and it should never be gotten over.....but we all make a journey through it.....  Blessings to all of the ones who are still at the starting point....and maybe the finish line is at our own time to pass through this Journey to our next beginning.....PEACE 

• Today is 1 month and 1 day that my daughter passed away from cancer and I miss her every day, so much so that I won't put her picture away because I don't want to forget her.

Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of my son's sudden death. I can scarcely believe it's been that long. This is a hard journey.

Hello to all. It has been a while since I've posted. It's good to hear frm you Michelle.We've been walking this road together for almost the same ampunt of time. My Daniel has been gone for 5 years last Dec.1 This march 31 is his birthday. He would have been 23. I usuually do somehting special but this year because it falls on Easter weekend, I have conflicts.Not just with other obligations but with diffreing on what to do - how to honor him - with my husband. I can't take arguong about something like this. my heart is so broken wideopen, I can hardly stand it. These anniversaries are hard had hard. For me, as his mom, I have physical memories of bringing a human into this world. Altho many days I feel I have made progress, these days, I feel like I'm falling in an endless pit. What have I done in 5 years to be better? A lot of good and a lot of nothing. I feel no motivation for life, I feel like I can't handle one more thing. I feel lost. Still. I still feel regrets and guilt though I know these do no good for anyone. The problem is that as time passes everytime else seems like they think I should have"gotten over it and moved on in a positive way". I feel guilty for expressing the truth so I am more bottled up. I have retreated from many relationships because I don't have the acting skills to keep them up. I don't take very good care of myself and am a physical mess which depresses me even more. All I know is that I miss my sweet son as much as the day he left. I love you Daniel and wish I could be with you on your birthday.

 Now my mom is having heart issues. She is 88 and has to have surgery. We are very close but nit physically. She is on the east coast. She is the only one who remembers all the days, and always supports me. It is hard to think of losing her at this time. It's just all too hard right now.

I think of all of those who are in this boat with me. I pray for you all and send you love and hugs. It's only by my faith that he's ok and that we will be together again some day, that I survive.

Prayers to you Michele. ((( )))

Ginger - I am so very sorry for your loss <3

I can so relate to what people are saying here. My youngest son’s birthday was last month and he would have been 26 this year. (Our first child who died as an infant would have been 34 this year). In October it will be the 5 year mark of our youngest son’s passing. It’s still so painful. About 9 months before he passed I was very ill and almost died myself. I counted myself so lucky that I didn’t, but then when he died I wished that God had just taken me when I was ill. If there is an answer as to why I was left to live when I really should not have made it only to then have my heart ripped out 9 months later I hope I get the answer someday. I am a person of faith and I do believe there are reasons things happen the way they do, but the answers rarely come on this side of the veil. My sister’s husband (who is not a young man and has never taken care of his health) just survived a heart attack by the skin of his teeth, and my sister keeps throwing around the “miracle” word like Pez candy. I guess I’m overly sensitive to the word “miracle” when I would have loved a miracle when either one of my sons died. She doesn’t realize I’m sure that expressions like that are painful for me. My husband and I are the only people in either family who have lost a child, and like I said we have lost two. While I don’t wish tragedy on anyone, sometimes it’s hard to take. Hopefully some of you can relate.

Hello.  Where has everyone gone?  I don't ever remember it being so quiet here.  I would like to think that is a good sign, but fearful that the newbies are being ignored.
This place was a place of comfort and understanding when I first came here.  I understand that we all gradually adjust somewhat to this new life we learn to live and some of us move away from here.  Why?  I don't know about others but for me it brought back bad memories that I had eventually been able to partially control.  And I felt helpless reading the comments.
I pray all are doing okay and send positive thoughts & hugs to everyone.

B. Windsor, I am so happy for you that you finally were able to see and visit with your grandson.  I hope it brought you some peace and happiness, and I hope you will be able to have a good relationship with him.

Connie, I hope your mom is okay.  I know how hard it is when another family member is ill.
Our son's birthday was last Thursday (June 14).  The 8th without him.  And on Friday the 15th, my only sibling, my brother passed.  Preparing for his services brings back all the feelings and stress of when our son passed.
I hope you have not had to deal with this.

And to everyone else I pray for comfort/peace in the lifelong journey.

Judy Pugh, thank you for sharing....I too have had 2 sons pass, one infant and one adult. 
I have found that nothing really makes sense to me in this all. I too had faith, and that along with everything else shattered that day. 
I and my daughter have been horrible treated by many (by those who regularly attend church but don't seem to understand compassion) in my grief process. Those same individuals with their intact families...the comments and judgements that were made about our fight for justice on behalf of my son were beyond terrible....those same individuals that get to have their family events with their alive children. 
I do not think much has changed in the last 5 years, it is still the unbearable pain, but I hide it much better...I am much more careful of maintaining the "mask"...people in general exhaust me. Sometimes I forget briefly that this is my life. 
Connie- prayers for you and your mom.
Ammy, I am sorry for the passing of your brother. Hugs.

When the stars

shine up in the sky,

I miss you.

When the sun rises

& sets every day,

I miss you.

When the rain falls

and everything looks

bright and beautiful,

I miss you.

Every day, every hour,

in every way,

in everything I do,

I miss you.

Hugs to all here. I a here less and less. Ammy thank you for asking about my mom. IT hasn't been good. Se ended up having another heart surgery and can no longer live alone. She is living with my sister (who is 70 herself - my mom is 88) and it is just too hard for her. She is not equipped to be a caretaker 24/7. So I have been going back and forth to South Carolina. Now my sister ad to have a knee replavement surgery and is in pain all the time as she heals, doesn't sleep enough and is becoming overwhelmed with my mom She called met today and said I needed to come and get my mother and bring her to CA. Which she would never do. Now i am long distance trying to make phone calls and see if it's possible for a live-in home health care person so my mom can go back to her house. It's sooo expensive. The thought of having to put her in a home is awful and I wish I were closer. In the meantime none of them realize what we went through as caretakers for my son when he was sick and in the hospital all the time and continually say to me "you just don;t know. It's 24/7. Oh I know but anyway.... I still struggle with my grief and missing my sn tremendously.

HOWEVER I had another amazing communication from him while in South Carolina last time. I was on the front porch late at night crying (because I can't do it in front of anyone) Talking to Daniel and crying. My phone was beside me and the screen lit up like when you get a message. But it didnt go away like normal. I picked it up to see what the message was and it was on my son's phone contact page! And there was his name illuminated Daniel Kaplan. Wow ok so the light remained on the page and never dimmed as usual. So I said thank you for being here, I miss you so much and I don't know what to do about Nana (my mom, his Nana) and I can't move here and leave your dad alone. Then I proceeded to walk in the house holding the phone, still illuminating his contact page. I was holding the phone and then when i got to the door i glanced at it again and OMG it was on his facebook page!! ok that's a completely different app. In case I was thinking "Is this really you." he answered. I know that spirit energy can manipulate electrical things as he has in the passed and others on this sight have experienced that as well. This one was incredible. I mean it's the only way I survive knowing that my precious angel lives on in another form and is there to guide me when I need him.

Sorry for the long post. I send each and every one of you live prayers and hope. For any new members I am so very very sorry you have to join this group but I hope you can find support and caring here.

Connie

It's been a while since I've checked in.  I'm actually melting down right now. Don't know what brought it on but can't seem to stop.  I miss everyone and think of all of you all the time. 

Michael's cousin, on his fathers side, had a baby and named him after Michael.  My nephew and his wife is due any day now and the babies middle name will be Michael in honor of my Michael.  My niece just found out she is pregnant and they decided if it's a boy his first name will be Michael.  This is bitter sweet.  They all loved Michael so much they all want Michael as part of their babies names. Yet each baby that comes just makes me miss my Michael even more.  Michael's not here to see all this and I'll never get to have the grandbabies he talked about in our last conversation. 

This summer was really rough I had to go to a funeral every week in August.  The last one was my sisters husband age 47, she still hasn't received the autopsy report and has no idea what happened.  As soon as I returned from Connecticut my dam dog died the next day.  Roxy gave me so much comfort.  She always knew when I was sad. She would sniff my eyes and lay as close as she could get to me.

I feel so overwhelmed right now.  The funeral before my sisters was my good friend's grandson age 19.  I feel bad but I felt a little comfort.  I felt like somebody close to me finally gets me a little bit.  Life has never gone back to what it was.  Everyday I ask God to take me towards the sun.  I just want to be happy again but feel it's never going to happen.

I've gotten good at hiding my grief.  I even tried to go to work on his leaving day.  But I made a fool out of my self.  I just couldn't hide it they way I thought I could.  I still sometimes walk myself right into a corner by talking about him to new people and then they will ask questions.  Do I lie and make stuff up or do I say he's gone? 

Some will ask how long has it been?  when I say 6 years they say, "Oh" all that does it make me feel like something is wrong with me. 

I'm rambling.  My mind is all over the place.  I miss Michael so bad.

A few weeks ago my sister was texting me about my nephew's wife baby shower and I shared with her how painful it was for me. she kept telling me Michael's with you.  I left for work and the radio kept switching channels on it's own.  Thinking of her text I said, "Michael I know that's you, so stop it."  It stopped.  Kinda freaked me out.

I'm going to take some time and go back and read some things I missed.  Seeing you guys makes me feel like I'm back home.  Back in my safety zone. 

Ginger I left all my sons pictures right where they were I need to see them. 

Connie what a beautiful gift!!!!! That was Daniel, letting you know he's there. 

Connie forgive me if I screw this up but the line, "Don't cry for me, cause I live in eternity" runs through me head all the time.

Judy sometimes I feel the same way...why do some who don't deserve to live get to while our kids didn't.  And sometimes when I hear others use that word, "miracle" it upsets me too.

It's been so long since I've been here. Somehow I don't get notifications anymore. And from November til after y sin' birthday March 31 I just want to run away and disengage with the world. But I think of you all and send you love and prayers for this difficult journey. I know I should say encouraging things but after 6 long years I feel I am going backwards. But I will go on... "Onward ever forward on the walk of Life..."

Thinking of everyone here with love

I am now 6.5 years since my son's passing. Some things have improved to a degree, but mostly I have learned to hide my true feelings much better. 

I have also learned to do the "split-brain" thing, where one half of my thought processes stay in the present just to function here on this planet, and the other half resides off somewhere else, always seeking my adult son and also my infant son. 

There really has not been a healing --  rather just learning how to deal with a wound that only partially heals over, at times that thin covering rips off. I have learned how to hide real fast...people still exhaust me.

I have been able to de-sensitive to certain "triggers" which is some progress. I have been able to return to work, though not at the rate I was once able to perform at.

My dreams remain vivid and I am alert in them, and I am always searching for him there...

I try and stay focused in the present as I have a daughter and a grandson  who is very dependent on me yet. My adult daughter still gets extreme panic attacks...

So perhaps that is some healing, but there are some days, it still hurts so damn bad -- and I am still living the nightmare.

Connie, thanks for sharing the sign from your son.

Theresa, totally agree with your post. 

Hi Jesse's Mom, Just wanted to send you hugs and prayers. You explained it all so well. I am immersed in TCF newsletter - I am editor for our chapter - but pretty much produce the whole thing. It's tough to do it because of all the sad stories and triggers. But it has helped me to get that newsletter and know i wasn't alone and that there is a community locally for me if I need it. So I try to pay it forward. Not sure how many more years I will but for now I will keep on doing it. If anyone ever wants to submit a poem or writing that would be awesome. I find that it is here that I have done most of my real true feelings wriing. I actually copy and paste my blogs into a word document so I can refer to them easiiy. You all have been an invaluable support. Thank you and big hugs to everyone.

Connie, thanks for the response. You are welcome to share some of these poems from this post. They are from Dee, a friend of mine, who shares her poetry from loss publicly.

https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/6290-grief-poems-writi...

I lost my son, my only child last month in a motorcycle accident. He was 32 and a father of two children. I live in the States and he lives in Canada, when I received a call from his wife I didn't answer the phone, I knew something was very wrong. I got very upset and kept telling myself, please let it anyone else but my son, I could handle anything else, but not my son. My life will never be the same, he was part of my identity, his past, present and future was my life. How does a mother just stop being a mother when her child's story tragically ends. It's cruel.

Kevin's mom I am so terribly sorry for your devastating loss. I lost my only child as well - Daniel - at age 17. That was 6 and a half years ago. I can't tell you how i made it through, but I have, one day at a time sometimes one minute at a time. We are not alone and I hope you can find support and help here in this group. Hugs and prayers to you and your family. xtra Prayers for his children .

Jesse's mom thanks for sharing your friends poems. When I use something i will let you know! Sorry for the late reply . Hugs and love  Connie

Teresa D.

the line is "Mama  don't you cry for me, I'm sailing in eternity..."

Makes me feel emotional and happy that it resonates with you and that you remember it. <3

Connie I'm sorry but just know your words do stay in my head.

Keven's mom...I'm so sorry that phone came.  There's nothing I can say or do to make this easier on you.  Just know we know exactly how you feel.  Your son will live on forever through you. 

Do we ever stop having those days that seem just like the day it all happened? when nothing else seems real and all we feel is the pain again? does it ever just not happen any more? 

Hello to all of you who are here for the same unimaginable reason as I am. I found this website last night after another night of going to bed where instead of sleep, pain sets in that I was able to escape from all day by being busy. Jess's mom, your post really resonated with me. Its been three years, nearly four since I lost my second son Corey. I to walk in a sort of slumber half here and half there, brain operating just enough to get me by. But am I? It seems not. I have moved to my eldest sons town to be nearby for the birth of my first grand baby. I started working again within a job with other staff, I am here but not. Work goes well when I a man having short interactions with the patrons, I'm cheerful and helpful, but I am having difficulties with some of thr staff, I don't feel I'm a part of them. The birth of my grandchild coinciding with the move to a new place where I know no one opened up huge grief for me. I was happy for my son, but hurt so much for the son who would never meet this child or hold his own. Corey was the son who was closest to me and who wanted a family, while my eldest son was more focused on his own passions. Oh god how complicated it all is. Each day I bury my feelings, I am happy grandma, cheerful coworker, helpful mother in law, but no one ever wants to hear how it is for me or see the real me. The half brain, half heart, half finished me. Thankful to have this forum to express this. Thank you to anyone who shares here. 

Hello Shirley,

im so sorry for you and your family. I know how deep, sharp, and unimaginable this pain is. I know too how it breaks you up and your world too. It was like looking through a broken kaleidoscope for me. Nothing seemed whole, I trusted no one or anything. 

I send you what you need the most right now, and that's a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on as long as you need and the understanding only a mother can know. 

People would say to me it gets better, I didn't believe them or I didn't want it to. That meant to me I was forgetting him and every precious second of his life I wanted to recall and never forget. That seemed the worst to me. But the pain does become less sharp over time, it does allow you to breathe and to function, one day. You need this, nobody can sustain that level of pain over such a long time. You need the breaks from it and the lessening sharpness of it.

your other children will also be suffering, seeing you in pain and also their own. I hope you can be strong so that they can feel they can come to you.

i was alone in a foreign country, a new home and I didn't know anyone. My other children all adults were coping their own way. It was a terrible time but I came through. Some days the grief takes over again and that's ok, 

i am here and you can talk to me.

big hug

sue

im sorry Shirelle, the computer changed your name to Shirley. 

Hello Sue M & Shirelle, I am sorry for your loss.  I know the pain well.  And like Sue said, it does get "less sharp".  I don't think it ever goes away but definitely less intense.
We lost our son nine and a half years ago and not a day goes by that I don't remember him and miss him.  The tears still come but not as constant.
When I was on here almost every day there were a few of us moms here.  As time went on and a couple of years passed they slowly stopped coming as often.  I too stopped as I think we had said everything we could.  It becomes repetitive and for me it even became more painful.  That probably doesn't make sense right now, but someday it might.
I hope you both will stay here and help each other and maybe new members too.  I am no longer on the Internet as much as I was back then but I still get notices so I check in once in awhile.
Regretfully there is nothing that can make this pain go away, but it can be eased sometimes having someone else going through it with you.
My heart feels your grief.  I believe that the thing that may have helped me the most was just trying to stay in the day and trying not to look ahead or look back too often.
We each travel our own grief road and hopefully find something that helps us get through it.
Hugs and prayers for you both.       

Hello Ammy 

thank you for your message, and yes I understand at some point we all need to step back and allow ourselves to move further down our path and that constant reminders can harm us. I have felt this way at times too. Big hug to you too and a prayer that life is smoother and richer for your future.

sue

Today is Valentine's Day, it would have been Michael's 37th Birthday.  It's been 7 years and I'm sitting here melting down.

The first two years, are a blur. All I remember is crying and hurting to my core.  I also don't know how I got to and from locations because I would stare at the guard rail and think one quick turn of the steering wheel and I could end this misery.  But then I would think of my daughter and how mad she would be at me. But I still had those thoughts the next day.

It took me 3 years to have what I called my "reality moment" that was the moment that I had to admit to myself that Michael, my son my baby, was dead.  It was also the moment I stopped trying to negotiate with God.  Every night I went to sleep begging and pleading for his return and every morning I woke up disappointed. 

Here it is 7 years later, still can't function on the day he came or the day he left.  

I've learned to wear the fake face, even though it cracks on occasion.  I'm still working on managing the pain, haven't master it at al.

Every time I have to attend one of my nieces or nephews weddings or baby shower, I always end up running away to cry.  My family doesn't get me anymore and doesn't seem to know the old me is never returning.

Ammy your right...you run out of words and feel repetitive.  This group helped me a lot in the beginning.  I did connect with someone from this site and to this day we are great friends.  I call her my sister and I just couldn't survive this without her.  

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY TO MY MICHAEL!!!! MOMMY LOVES AND MISSES YOU BUDDY!!! I MISS YOUR VOICE, I MISS YOUR LAUGHTER, I MISS OUR LONG CONVERSATIONS, HELL I JUST MISS ALL OF YOU!

Hugs to everyone....

Teresa, I do remember you and about your son Michael.  I hope the angels sing him the lovliest birthday song today and I can only pray that somehow you can find some peace today.  I know how hard these dates are.  I even still have harder days every Wednesday, I counted them up until last year sometime.  Had to try and make myself stop and try to move on, but will still remember often how many weeks it has been.  Too many now.  500 this past Wednesday.  And I wonder how can that be.  
I'm happy for you that you made a good friend.  I also am blessed that I connected with someone on here and we also consider ourselves 'sisters'.  It does help because no one that hasn't lived through this can truly understand.
Hugs and prayers.  May the Lord give you comfort.

Hello Ammy and Teresa

isnt this odd, I woke this morning thinking of my son Corey, as I do and thought also of this group and that it didn't seem anyone was here anymore. I'm new and don't know you both, but I know and share your pain. I too have lost me, I too wear the mask. It slipped yesterday when I broke my rule of talking to a stranger of him. I felt shell shocked and stunned and deeply wounded the rest of the day and could hardly function. I woke this morning, if you could call that sleeping last night and thought of my son and how I haven't felt him with me. 

I miss him so much, his wisdom, his humour, the way he said hi to me, so distinctive and warm, we could talk for hours and about everything and it would leave me feeling warm and fuzzy. I felt loved by him. 

He took his life, I was out of the country, I wasn't there. The pain of that will never leave me. 

Im grateful to see you both this morning, knowing we are bonded in our deep understanding of what our lives are like now and what we feel. 

Big hugs from me, Sue

Thank you Josephine.  I agree that we need to be able to laugh, but it usually takes time for that to start.  I honestly feel good when I can laugh at something or with someone.  It's like a medicine, but it took time for me to enjoy laughter.
I am sorry that you are already dreading Sunday, but I understand.  These dates are forever hard and never forgotten.
I hope that the angels will sing to DeMarco on his special day, but I don't think it will really matter to him. Take comfort in that.  I'm sure he is at peace and waiting just as we all are for that day we will all be together again.
Hugs and prayers for you and all the moms that are here.

Support is always here when you need it. Hugs to all.

Hello mommas 

Nice to have your words and well wishes here. We all know this journey all too well. There are days u dread as well, and on those days we all have, we just need to be very gentle with ourselves. That's something I'm learning to do, as well as choose happiness when I can. I know my son wants that for me. 

Sending you all a big hug. 

Sue

Does anyone out there see my post?  I am new at this and don’t know if I am proceeding correctly.  

i really need to connect with someone who has lost a child.

Thanks

Hello dear Nanette. I see your post. I'm so very sorry fpr your devastating loss. I lost my only child, Daniel (I see that's your grandsons name) at age 17. That was 9 years ago this past Dec.1 I havent been on this site for a few years actually and saw your post in an e-mail. This is a difficult journey. It still hurts just as much some days as the day he left but I've learned to mange the grief. There are lessons you will learn along the way that are positive if you can even imagine that. You will be more loving and compassionate. What has gotten me through is the belief that my sweet child lives on in spirit. He is free and doing amazing things we cannot comprehend. I have received many undeniable messages from him and I try to keep my heart open to them. In the end all there is, is love and that never dies. It helps to try to do for others even when you can't do for yourself. Keep moving, take walks, take each day and be gentle with yourself. Don't feel you have to explain to anyone what you are feeling or how you express it. Those who have not experienced child loss just cannot understand. Fortunately because we know the pain is too great. So there will be some who are close to you who will drift away and that is normal. Another loss that goes along with it. It's sad. But that's why we are here for each other . Your grief is so fresh and at such a difficult time of year. Payers and big hugs to you/ Connie (Daniels mom)

Thank you Connie.  I will treasure your words.  I will keep reading them for strength.  I just don’t know how to stop crying and what to do with the crippling loneliness.  

My beloved boy Willie with his new baby boy. 

i keep writing things and they somehow disappear.  Still trying to get this app figured out.

Angie, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I understand your pain and my heart hears you.  I also lost a son.  It will be 12 years this coming July.  Somehow, we manage to go on but we never forget.
All the members here have been where you are.  This site use to be very active but it seems to have lost everyone with time.  I can only hope that more members will become active and join you.