I am so sorry for you, David and all the rest of us on this site. We all have a struggle everyday of our lives. Some days easier than others. I lost my only Son in July of last year. He was a month away from being 38. I think I have been in disbelief ever since. I also have 2 Daughters, one has children the other does not. My Son has children and I love them dearly but I love my Children more. They are part of me... If he had been my only child I might feel different...

David you are going through what we all have been through.... It does get easier but not much.... I still cry a lot... I avoid some Family events and those I do go to I only go for my Daughters... My Family will never be the same and I hate being reminded that it isn't and will never be..

David I have found some comfort in a grief group called The Compassionate Friends. People that have lost Children.  They truly know what you are going through, they have all been through it... Not all grief groups are the same... Look them up for a chapter close to you and give them a try...  Hugs to you and your Family....

Ammy, thank you for your kind words.  I too think it is a different experience for the moms and dads of only children.  I really have no distractions.  I am in no way meaning to say that I think my pain is worse.  I think it is just different.  I know I am still a mom but most of the time I don't feel like I am.

David your okay, I use to repeat myself and I use to run around the house frantically looking for something.  When my boyfriend would ask me what I was looking for I would just cry and tell him I don't know but if I keep looking I'll find it.  David I never found it. Even today I don't know what I was looking for. 

I didn't lose my only child but I did lose my only son.  Michael had no children, part of our conversation that day was his dream of 3-4 kids but that's gone.  My heart is with those who lost their only one. My daughter can't have kids due to medical reasons but I do have her. 

Dolly nice to hear from you......I still think your an angel.  Brandon was very lucky to have a momma that loved him so much. 

I'm with you Ammy, I have learned in some situations to distract myself to keep the tears from coming.  Some days I do ok and feel ok and some days forget it I'm in that horrible place and have to fight to get back of it.  This is my new normal. 

In the beginning when others would say you'll learn to manage it I just couldn't understand that but now I'm learning to manage it.  The fake face gets a little tight sometimes and no matter what I do it cracks but I have to admit I wear it more now then in those first 3 years.

Sometimes the room falls silent.  I'm 41/2 years in David and I still don't know what to say to someone else.  I can only say what others have told me.  "You'll learn to manage it" and "You'll learn to wear the fake face." 

We have, or at least, been damaged to our core.  Everyday I cry for my son and it feels normal to me.  I don't cry that gut wrenching cry everyday like I did for the first 3 years but I still cry daily. 

People around me don't get the new emotional me.  They don't get why some events are so hard for me.  They don't get I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY MICHAEL! 

I wish I could tell you time will heal your wound but that would be a lie.  But the good news is just like me you will start to learn to live with it.

Right now you need to just grieve, it's so raw for you.  I am so sorry you lost your Carli.  I hate seeing new parents just us.  There's so many of us yet we are a group that suffers in silence.

I might be babbling sometimes that what I do.  It's been a hard road.  Adjusting to the new life I was handed.  Missing my Michael greater than I ever imagines possible.  Losing friends because they wanted to decided how this should go for me and got mad when I didn't follow their plan. 

I like to believe through prayer I still have a relationship with my Michael.  You do have Katie so like me you still have to give what you got to that kid that is still there.  It's hard but we have to do it. 

I wish I had answers

I find weekends are the worst because that was when we had the most family time with our daughter.  It's also when I see families together the most.  I'm sure others feel the same as I do in that no matter where I go I feel like I don't belong.  I can honestly say I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.  My whole reason for being is gone.

I have a daughter and while I totally get the feeling of not being able to live without my son, I would never want her to feel as though she was loved any less by leaving her.

I don't think I would ever be able to kill myself, although at times I have felt like I wanted to.. my dad was voluntarily euthanized against my wishes and it was so horrible.. he didn't need to be...they convinced him it was best but it wasn't... but I couldn't stop it.. I used to have to do crisis intervention and for me the most frightening part of it was dealing with suicides that survived and how to know what to do for them once they were ready to leave the hospital.. I would talk and talk to them trying to figure out what I could say to make them come back from that agony they were in... sometimes it seemed all they really needed was someone who really wanted them to live... and who cared about them no matter what.. and who could help them see they really were wanted and needed ...even if those they loved didn't care.. there would always be someone they could help that would need them and love them for it... and often this seemed to give them hope and a new outlook.. but sometimes they were so lost in pain it seemed impossible to penetrate and they usually ended up in facilities for the mentally ill.. and I never saw them again... I want to be with my Brandon again one day in heaven.  I believe in God and heaven and don't want to do anything to risk losing that ...I think that's what keeps me wanting to live well here.. live kindly and stand for truth and justice and live to serve others and most especially serve God.. so when I do die I will be able to be with my loved ones who have passed on... I don't want to take any chances that what I do in this life could prevent that... I know this is a selfish reason to keep living... but it probably has saved me from thoughts of suicide... especially at first after Brandon died... I have a different take on suicide than many people.. it always makes me angry to hear someone say its selfish... most people I talked to were SO deep in despair ... so self hating... so hopeless... not selfish.. just broken... but I don't think its an answer either... because then there's no more time to find out why they are still here... and what it is that God has for them here... and what it is they would miss by leaving this world too soon... I never felt adequate to help people who were so defeated by life... except to love them and listen to them... and try to help them find some purpose .. something that let them know they weren't worthless and unneeded... some had nobody... many had nobody who cared ... but there is always something we can do that brings joy to someone else and if we aren't here to do it who will?

Dolly, I have the same thoughts on suicide.  It has never seemed selfish to me.  People who commit suicide are deeply depressed and feel hopeless.  I also can't risk not being with Caitlin in the next life.  I don't think suicide would affect that but I can't be sure.  We can't know exactly how that works. 

Patty I agree.. about suicide not keeping anyone from heaven... because God sees the heart and knows the pain... and who knows what a person says or thinks in those last moments... but I don't want to take any chances at all if I can manage it... with my own life.. I didn't mean to say I thought suicides would automatically condemn anyone.. I don't ...

Dolly, and I did not think that you were saying that.  Definitely, only God knows the heart.  And I agree that I can't take the chance if I can manage it.  The only thing I want is to be with my daughter again and I can't chance it.  

I'm glad Patty.. sometimes I say something and then people think I'm saying something I don't think I'm saying but they interpret it that way. I guess I don't say things clearly. I don't know how God decides what He decides... so much doesn't make sense to me that God allows... but all I know is my only chance to be with my Brandon and my granddaughters again is if there is a God and a Heaven and I manage to go there too... whether I'll make it I can't know I don't think but I just sure want to try... that's all i was saying.. and I was worried about David a little... I know he's so devastated right now..

Krystal, I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my 20 year old daughter due to a drunk driver.  Binah's story is so tragic.  I know there are no words that can comfort you.  All of the people here understand this unbearable pain.  It is like no other pain.  Let us know how you are doing.  My prayers are with you.

Krystal she wasn't there... that's exactly how I felt about Brandon... his body was there but he was gone and I knew it.. could feel it in every bit of my mind and body... but soon things began to happen all by themselves that let me know he was gone but still alive... I think that horrible doctor needs his license revoked... what a quack ... you don't mess with meds that are working.. sounds like he liked to play God with people... I'm so sorry you are having to live with this pain...we lost our son 4 years ago in May from a cardiac event whatever that means... to us it meant here one minute and gone the next... life is impossible to understand and so crushing at times... but coming here and venting and listening to others has helped me not feel alone .. hopefully we can help you feel not so alone too..

David, I am sorry for the loss of your Carli. It is a hard day to get through. 

This is a good group of people here. I come sometimes to read and hear my own words in some of the posts. Knowing there are others who know how bereavement truly is. 

Teresa, your post from June 12 -- it is the same for me here. Many people, even those who truly care for us, just don't understand child bereavement and the continued impact it has on our daily life. 

we've nearly stopped 'celebrating' anything except those things that are important to our son Bo.. Christmas, Thanksgiving and his birthday.. its easy really because nobody else remembers us on any other holidays except my oldest son and we only see him on Thanksgiving .. he calls on other holidays usually but we're too far away for family 'celebrations' on them.. it just hurts too much .. we just sort of treat them like any other day.. but this father's day I did send my husband a post on eBay to remind him of our kids... and how wonderful he's always been to them all.. and we spent the day just watching old seasons of a show he likes.. House of Cards [much too close to reality for me.. but he likes it]..and playing music... but my music is not working for me lately even... we don't do gifts much at all except for my son Bo and grandkids... and even those are always a struggle to think about and find ... because it makes us think.. I wish I could feel the joy again.. maybe someday.

Since i hadn't received the autopsy report from the medical examiners' office, and i felt like i was really missing something, regarding Shelby, i called to check.  Apparently, they'd sent it, once before--i never saw it--so, she resent it.  i spent an hour or more just reading over it and looking up details....  Almost feels as if she died, all over again.  *sigh  Just one of those things, i guess.  

It has been 4 years since the loss of my daughter...and I write a poem for her birthday every year...but I needed, my surviving daughter needed, to know I loved her...

Wow.  That is so beautiful, Eva.  Thank you for sharing.  It will be 7 years for me next month.

wow Eva that was just beautiful... and very fitting to my own feelings today... well yesterday now... both me and my son Bo had a birthday on Tuesday just past... and we were missing our Brandon too... so we were missing him but trying to celebrate each other still... its never really much of a celebration any more.. but we try because we do so love each other .. all of us that are left all love each other and mean so much to each other... but that hole is always still there and it hurts so much .. always... I remember the very first birthday of mine after Brandon died.. I couldn't sleep and was sitting at the computer probably playing solitaire.. and feeling lost and full of grief.. and suddenly from behind me.. in Brandon's room...there sounded one single strum of one of his toy guitars... just one... but loud and ringing... I about fell out of my chair .. I rushed into the room and checked all over... I recognized that chord... but there was NO toy guitar in that room anywhere that made that sound... and there was no more sounds... it was as if I got a 'happy birthday' from heaven somehow.... it never happened on my birthdays since... oh how I wish it would...

Missing my Michael. No new stories to tell, no new pictures to post.  Just simply missing him so bad my insides hurt.  I'd give anything to hear his voice or see his face. 

I try to keep Connie's song words in my mind "Momma don't cry for me for I'm living in eternity." but it's hard.

Winsor That was a real hard thing for me to do as well.  I locked myself in the bathroom to read it.  HUGS!

Eva that is beautiful.  You speak for so many of us.

Love you all!

Sadly I seldom come to this page... I am so sorry about that --- 

-I just hit a wall at some point where I realized I had nothing helpful to share & did not want to add to anyones pain. 

-Brad's 10 year anniversary is drawing near - and even as I type that I still can not believe it.    

-I feel frozen in time.   I see young children of friends and seriously do not know who they are as to me they are still 10 yrs younger.      

-I do what I have to do - but, I do not feel alive.  I avoid as much as I can.    I have grown to hate myself and feel so useless.   that is the raw truth!! 

- Do I feel joy? sometimes - But, my aching heart shadows every moment.  

----------Well See-  this is why you do not hear from me often ... I am certainly not helpful.

---Please know - I am sending love and hugs to you all!!! 

I just passed 7 years.  Everything Karen said below is ditto for me :'(

Karen, you saying your not helpful is very untrue.  I hate to say it but those ahead of me let me know I'm okay.  Those ahead keep me from feeling disappointed or like something is wrong with me because I'm not "moving on".  So please know you help someone like me. 

I needed to come here today. I don't care if anyone comes to the room and reads it or not I just need to something......

My daughter just received news she has ovarian cancer.  She has suffered with an extreme case of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome since she was a child.  I have come to accept I'll never be a grandmother.  (Michael didn't have kids when he passed and her PCOS)

People I couldn't live this again.  God just couldn't be that cruel to me. 

oh Teresa... I am SO sorry.. I will pray so hard for her... and for you... I don't really want to be in this world anymore EXCEPT for those I love that are still here... if not for them there would be NO reason to be here at all.. so much pain and so much craziness in this world.. I just find myself hiding most of the time..  people are just too mean these days.. we have actually been 'uninvited' from attending a Senior Center informal band group because we played a hymn for an elderly gentleman.. ONE hymn among all sorts of jazz and blues and rock and roll and stuff that he had no interest in... I know its nothing.. but its just that every time I turn around it seems something or somebody is clobbering me... I will be thinking of you and your daughter Teresa... nothing we ever face is a horrible as our kid's problems when we have no power of our own to help them.. how well all of us in here know THAT... I will ask my praying friends to pray too.. anonymously

.. just ask for prayers for a friend fighting cancer.. if its ok.. I won't say who or how I know of her or anything... please try to hold on tight to hope... its all we ever have.. I love you.

Well it's been a very long while since I've been on this site. I feel like you Karen that I don't have much to say or share that will help. Karen - you have helped so many so much by creating this group. Dec.1 will be 5 years for me and I too cannot believe it's been that long. And yet it feels like I've been drowning in sorrow for so long.

Kellie Hull I am so very sorry for your loss and to have to welcome you to the club nobody wants to be in. I lost my Daniel at age 17 in a car accident. The suddenness of it it so traumatic.  And I miss my sweet boy more every day. He was my only and I feel my life has remained stuck in the time when he was here.

Teresa, I think of you and how strong you've been. I hope you are still doing the soccer tournament. I try to do things in Daniel's remembrance but not with the same passion I have at first. It almost hurts too much now. But I will tell you my faith never wavers. He is with me so much. I feel his presence and he sends me love and strength. I do believe that "he just in the other room" and this life is buts one stop along the way. That doesn't make this stop easier except that I know he is ok, he's not in pain any longer, he is doing amazing things that we can not really comprehend. And he showed me the greatest joy there is in life -the love of our child. Thank you Daniel for being my son. The pain is so great but I would never trade it for not having had you. God I miss him and I struggle every day. My perspective on life is so different and I don't really make too many plans. I still have a lot of anxiety. I am editor of out local Compassionate Friends newsletter and I feel that way I am giving a service. I lean on my spiritual family at my Ashrama for support and to keep my spiritual life in practice. I want to be close to where he is.

Eva your poem is quite beautiful. It is so hard for the surviving siblings to deal with their loss and the loss of the parent they knew because we are never the same. But you can share together the great love you all shared with the daughter you lost.

Dolly - always nice to be reminded of Brandon's messages to you. I always get them and recently we had a devastating fire here in the Foothills of Glendale. The canyon where my son was killed was on fire for 4 days. Afterwards, it was all burned, north, south, east and west of the crash site for miles - 7000 acres. I thought to myself that I hoped that damn wall the car crashed into was burned to the ground.Now the city will. have to fix it! I thought. for 5 years I have kept flowers at that site. When we were finally allowed to go down there, I expected to see it all gone but miraculously the only thing left - were the flowers and the end of that wall. To me it was another wonderful message of hope. His spirit is so strong and I could just see him saying,"Not my flowers". I thank the brave firefighters. I know they left them there and removed other debris that was always dumped behind the wall. IBut still, the fir jumped the road and burned everything in it's path - a mile to the freeway, jumped the freeway and burned up to the house. Fortunately no one was killed and only one home was lost.  So on my darkest day I think of those flowers - the only color amidst a backdrop of blackened ash. He was and will always be my greatest joy. I am sharing the picture of this.

NO one else knows the heartbreak we live with and I hold all of you here in my heart and prayers especially during these very difficult holidays. I can't wait for them to be over. Hugs to everyone.

Teresa

 I am praying for your daughter. This must be incredibly hard for you. There are so many new treatments on the horizon now for cancer.  I am a 12 year cancer survivor this week. She will be okay. Love and hugs to you <3

I am sending love to everyone who is missing a beloved son or daughter this Christmas season. I understand the pain, I have two sons who have passed. My first child died as an infant (7 weeks of age) from a heart defect in 1984, and then my youngest died in 2013 at the age of 21 from an accidental overdose. You wonder how much pain one heart can hold. My love and sincere sympathy goes to everyone suffering. Together we are stronger. God bless.

Dennis I mean no disrespect however you have been asked numerous times to leave this group.  You have not lost a child not do you have any clue what we experience.  Last time your words were so inappropriate you were pushed from this room.  While your intentions might be good they are not welcomed.  Please respect what we keep telling you.  Stop prying on our grief.

Judy, I lost my son Michael and yet I still can't imagine the grief you must feel.  It's hard to say Merry Christmas but I hope you find a second of peace. 

it's been a while since I've been here.  For my old friends my daughters ovarian cancer is stage 1.  To me it's not good but it's the best of the worst. 

I've bonded very strongly with one of our members, so much so we visited this summer.  Now I can't live without her, she is my sister now. 

For me it's like you run out of words. You repeat yourself so much you get sick of yourself.  I do anyway. 

When I first started this room was very active and the people in it (except for Dennis) supported me like others couldn't and for that I will never forget any of you.

I'm 5 years in and have no words of wisdom for anyone.  Early on I was told you'll learn to wear a fake face and you'll learn to manage it.  Those things yes, I'm doing today.  It was a process to get there and I have not mastered either one.  Sometimes that fake face starts to crack. 

I still cry daily, sometimes with no warning, but it's now normal to me.  This is who I am now.

I love you all and I hope through the holidays everyone can find one moment of peace.

It's hard enough trying to go on since Shelby died...but, the mess my ex and his mother keep pulling really don't help anything/anyone.  *sigh  i've second-guessed every step i've ever made, since her death, and it's not getting ANY easier.  i came back to NC to try and reconnect with my son, as well as visit some with my grandson, and get to know him.  i've called my son--spoke to him briefly, before the call dropped--and texted him to let him know i'm in the state and whenever he's ready to talk, i should be around.  (He's in the military now.)  My grandson's father has answered the phone once, in the many times i've tried calling him, these past several months.  He asked me to call back the following day, since they would be there the whole time.  He did not answer.  i tried the following day.  No answer.  i've even tried since, knowing my grandson is with my ex, just to see what's going on or if he's having reservations or what his deal is.  All i keep thinking:  he's partying and using, still.  My grandson deserves a better life than that.  i don't want to create any tidal waves, but if he is using, something HAS to change. As i'm writing this, i'm looking out the window....It's a beautiful cold day, but, my mind goes elsewhere.  i'm tired.  i'm fed up with all the games people play.  No one seems capable of keeping their word anymore.  *sigh  Most people just can't get it, nor give a hoot about trying.  But, no matter how much i do or plead, she's never coming back--she is dead, after all.  God, that  hurts....i still can't take her off my contact lists.  i know if or when i do, it'll be a definite finality.  Just wish i could give up and let go and forget about this world.  All it's ever done for me is cause me more pain and suffering.  

Here we are another year and no sons...Life is so changed. I just can not log in daily, it became overwhelming.

I lost my beautiful daughter on 12/21/17.  I don't know what else to say, I think that says it all.  I am sad beyond belief. I don't want to be at home, I don't want to go to work.  Being around people is hard: either they don't talk to me because they don't know what to say, or they just want to tell me how sorry they are which makes me cry.  I feel I am neglecting my son, but it is so hard to play with him and try to have fun, when I am thinking of my daughter every minute of every day.

I’m so sorry Virginia. Life is so hard after a loss such as ours. Just know there are many people who understand your pain, people you will never meet but who have gone through this anguish you are feeling. You will make it through, please be gentle with yourself. 

My heart continues to ache for all who have lost or/and continue to lose loved ones.  It is truly a heavy burden.  *Much love to you all!  Thank you--those who work for the site and comment and just keep going!  

i just wanted to share a brief update.  This past weekend, we traveled a few hours each way, so i could meet my grandson--finally.  It was a bit weird, since both his father and grandfather believed i was there to try to take Gabriel, and not simply visit.  (i'd tried calling several times, throughout January, as well as the first day of February, without anyone answering the phone.  *sigh)  So, i broke it down to them both, and made sure they understood my stance.  Needless to say, we visited for a few hours, and all i can truly say about my grandson:  He's his mother's child!  And, he's a trough of energy--not just a bowlful!  He looks so much like her, too.  i just hope they can keep at least some of their "word," since i've not had the best experience with that, as of yet.  

Hello, I have read through the comments left and have to say at a little over 5 years much is the same as what others wrote.

I have lost many contacts through this -- I have seen people behave in ways towards me and my family that were unimaginable. Many had an idea of how we should respond to the unrepentant girl who ran over my son...and made it clear their views of us...I trust no one now really...

Of course, all of those who pointed fingers or simply dumped on us went on in their life...we tend to isolate now...

I think this coming of spring can bring about anxiety all on its own...new beginnings except for us...no one in my circle can understand the level of hell we go through each day...yet my husband and I try to hold it together for my daughter's sake and grand children...

Teresa, sending healing prayers for your daughter...

I am sorry Windsor the additional pain you are facing...

To newcomers, I am sorry you have found the need for this type of group...it is a hard journey. 

I found this web site by Carol Kearns helpful early on in my grief journey...the author lost her daughter to drowning and later became a grief counselor. She was mentored by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. 

http://www.carolkearns.com/kristens-legacy/overview.html