My Brandon has been gone almost 4 years now... May 2... I know what you mean Rita about the music... and if it hadn't been for the fact that we as a family were so tied together with music maybe I would have reacted the same way.. but the very first thing that happened to let me believe that Brandon still lived somewhere somehow was a day or so after he died.. time meant nothing to me then so I'm not sure if it was a day or two but it was soon... I was playing solitaire on the computer I think.. but wasn't online as far as I know... and suddenly a song started playing.. I looked to see where it was playing from but there was no icon for anything and I know I didn't cause it to play.. after it was over it didn't play any more music.. but that wasn't all.. the song that played was by a group my son had loved through his childhood, and although I had listened to this group many times through the years I had never heard this song done by them... the group was the Chipmunks, and the song was 'We Are Family'... which was especially wonderful to hear because Brandon was adopted... it didn't make me get over the grief, but it gave me hope.. hope I'd see my son again one day.. that's the only thing that has ever really helped me at all .. knowing he's still alive and believing we'll see each other again.. many other amazing things have happened to keep reassuring me of that .. I don't seek them but I treasure them and I don't deny them.. because they are so unique and impossible I know they're coming from heaven.. there's no other explanation.. so I guess maybe that's why I never lost the ability to find comfort from music... each of us is different in grief and that's totally OK... there are no rules in grief and never let anyone tell you that.. they just don't know... some people say some really heartless things to those of us who are already devastated worse than we ever knew possible.. but they just don't know.... so take all the hugs and support you can get from the rest of us that know pretty much what you're going through and who's hearts ache for your losses too... because we know ..

B... just try to hold on .. that's all you can do at first I think... however you need to... I cleaned alot.. everything except my son's room... I bought flowers for his little table.. he used to sit next to it to be fed .. he was tube fed.. and after he died we put little mementos on his table for remembering him... and I would put the flowers there .. and candles.. and we let off balloons on the 'special' days... and I spent a lot of time in this room on this site... because so many others in here seemed to get what I was going through and they were so kind and never condemning... and I had nobody except my husband that I could talk to about it... and he had his own problems dealing with it ... nothing will ever really 'help' us until we are reunited.. many in my family are not believers in God so they don't support my beliefs... and that's their business.. but I just don't know how I could stand it if I didn't think there wasn't a chance we would be together again... not that I don't ask God why ... I do... but I never really get an answer except that up until that point He had always saved Brandon when he was in a threatening situation.. and he battled many times to live... and this time he just slipped away with no warning... so it must have been the right time for him to go.. but those are my beliefs.. and hopes.. and I'm not trying to tell you that everyone has to agree with me .. just saying what has helped me.. and hoping maybe it will help someone else not to be totally devastated by their loss...

i can understand where you're coming from, Dolly.  i really can.  

i guess what's really hurting so much right now:  the wait for the actual medical reports and just feeling like i'm in a state of constant limbo.  It really hurts that we'd just started 'reconnecting'--or so i thought.  So, i'm trying to believe that it wasn't all for naught.  i know a lot of what she said, anytime she opened her mouth, were lies....whether they be about me or her life or something else.  i struggle, a lot lately, just trying to hold on to the feelings i had for her as my first born child and my only daughter.  Shelby was my child, and yet, she constantly pushed me away.  (There were definite outside influences, and the grandparents she had weren't the decent support system they could've been.)  i know it's a different day and a few things have changed, especially since 15 February 2017, but the fact remains:  she's gone.  That little boy will never know the actual 'person' his mother was--the goodness she had inside her and the creative artist--other than what we share with him.  

i saw my doctor the other day, and she basically told me to just try to deal as best i can, and not mess with my medications for now.  Sleep is still hit-n-miss, and i'm still trying to push myself to keep my mind busy.  It just seems futile, most days.  *sigh  

B. Windsor, I too had to wait for a medical report to help me understand what happened. Then once it finally arrived I had to find the right moment to read it.  Opening it was not easy but I knew I had to.

We all struggle to find our way.  We will always speak the truth to you. We won't tell you how your daughter wouldn't want you to be sad or cry.  We won't lie to you and tell you in time you will heal.  Instead we will tell you in time you'll learn to "manage it".  At first learning to "manage it" will seem like a bizarre idea to you, or it did me, but then you'll start to get it.

We will support you , listen to you and most importantly we will "get it".  I'm 41/2 years in and I can't say I'm healed, (what's that?) or that I don't have days when I just can't get out of that place.  I can't even say I stopped crying daily. But I know I'm learning to "manage it" as slow and painful as it is and in time you will too.

Right now Rita is right just allow yourself to grieve.

Happy Belated Birthday to Daniel. 

B. it was almost 2 months after my sons death when I received the ME's report. It made me so upset. It was like it was happening again.. Fresh! I wished I hadn't opened it! My mind was working overtime with all the scenarios and questions! Every time I thought about it I cried, (which was all the time) so I cried a lot! I didn't tell anymore than I already knew but I was hoping it would answer a question that I had but it didn't. To me the ME didn't do his job. I would have thought when a young man (37) comes in with a defibrillator/pacemaker that would have raised a red flag??? Heart attack, wreck, hmmm!!! I was wrong! He just told me blunt force trauma! That was obvious! Probably to anyone who seen him! Basically end of story...

The ME I dealt with was very calloused and unsympathetic to my concerns and questions!!  He sees lots of bodies and this is just one more he had to look at....

So B. expect to be upset!! There will be many triggers that will upset you for a long time to come... That is just the way it is when a Mother loses her child...

I tried to deal with it as best I could and was not very successful! After 4 or 5 months I decided their had to be something to help with the deep, deep depression I was in. I went to my doctor and she give me something for depression and anxiety. It's hit and miss but I finally got something that has helped with the depression. It doesn't take away the sadness but I'm not wanting to sleep all the time...I wasn't a strong enough person to handle it on my own.....

"When you are brought to your knees, you sometimes need help getting up!"

Thank you, Teresa and Rita.  i really do appreciate the input.  i have talked to my doctor, and she basically told me (since i'm already on meds) to wait a bit and see how this process goes for me, i.e. no change in meds for now.  Sleep is still hit'n miss and the 'dreams' and thoughts are still really weird, to say the least.  As for the medical examiner:  the office told me it could take upwards of a year, and of course, my ex has reminded me of that, already (mainly because he's in the same state as it happened, and i'm in Canada).  i did send him a small 'note' with the check i sent to take care of my half of taking care of Shelby's body.  Just typing that...makes me nauseated.  *sigh  i know it's gonna take a while to be able to even find some 'normality' again.  i've been told that by several individuals, now....  i guess i just felt like everyone would expect me to keep going and be 'normal-ish' sooner than later, since that's how my life has been, thus far.  No matter who i've lost or how they died, i was always expected to just keep going.  Now, suddenly, i'm supposed to take time to heal.  i guess i'm truly having issues with healing, since i don't know 'how' or really, how to process and go on, from this point.  

i called on Sunday, to see how my grandson was doing with his Easter and he was having a great time!  i know he has his times when he isn't exactly coping well, but then again, he's not five yet, and just lost his mother!!!  Anyway, i talked to his dad for a bit, while they were outside playing a smaller version of baseball, and he confirmed how good the weekend had been and how much fun Gabe was having.  So, i told him i'd call later on in the week, hopefully after the excitement had worn down some.  

So, it's been a lil over two months since Shelby's death.  My husband's family had a 60th anniversary party planned for this past weekend, so we went, as usual.  It was really nice to see so many loving and compassionate people in one family....  The more i thought about it, the more the 'couple' reminded me of my own parents, so i truly enjoy being around them.  It was so sweet when they were on the dance floor, as they would find and choose other partners with each song, while they were dancing---and several of the partners were kids, who just had a ball!  There was one, in particular, that i just had to watch....she was probably ten or close to it, and while she was on the dance floor, she had no qualms about being herself.  She reminded me so much of my daughter on the dance floor....i just had an emotional moment or two, while i was watching her.  i also wish i'd felt better, so i could've been a bit more interactive.  But, at least i got to see everyone and even smile a bit.

Then, reality set back in, as my husband and his mother got into another 'tiff'--right before the party, as a matter of fact--so they spent the few hours avoiding one another...  So, it's been quiet, since.

Received a text today that Michael's best friend overdosed and passed away.  It's like losing a son and a piece of Michael all over again.  Damn life is hard! 

i received the first emails from the medical examiner's office, Tuesday.  *sigh My daughter had several different types of drugs in her system when she died.  i called her baby's daddy, and talked to him for a few minutes about what the report stated.  i explained the marks that were noted, and he claimed he'd only known about one or two--not the circular 'bunch' she had on her belly.  i also questioned him about his own drug use.  

i've never had to deal with this sorta thing, personally.  i read a lot and have seen a lotta shows based on drug use and so forth, but this has truly been a hard time. i know i have to make sure my grandson is taken care of--right--and make sure those around him are clean.  For this to happen, a lot of changes are gonna have to take place for me.  *sigh  i am sooooooooo afraid of what might happen and anxious because of the unknown.  But, if anything were to happen to Gabe, i'd never be able to live with myself.  It's hard enough, already, knowing his mother died the way she did.

One of my husband's aunts set up a mass, here, regarding Shelby's death.  It's this coming Monday evening...i'm not catholic, but i do believe in God....and i know she set it up because there has been no other 'service' scheduled for her, period.  One day atta time....sometimes, moment to moment....*sigh  Still tryin....

That's what you have to do B. one minute, day and moment at a time. 

Yesterday one of my sister's told me I needed to join a group of parents so I could learn to cope with my loss of Michael.  I had to let her know I've been in one.  Why she thinks I'm different than any other parent out there who is experiencing this is a hard thought for me.   

I finally had to just tell her losing Michael's best friend was another loss to me and it was also like losing a piece of Michael again.  Greg was the one person who wanted to talk about Michael just as much as me.  Because all their friends on facebook were posting pictures of Greg and Michael together it was like having my own wound re-opened.  My sister has been very supportive through the years but I really don't think she gets it.  I also don't think she knows us parents don't lie to each other.  We don't tell each other "you'll heal" or "your child wouldn't want you to cry" or "learn to cope with it". We know we are on a path that we were forced into.  And until someone can come up with some magic words or actions to take this away this is just us.  I'm no different than anyone else.  My son Michael dying ripped away a part of me that will never return any more than Michael will return.  Some people have a hard time with the new you.  They just don't get how this changes EVERYTHING for us.  Ok I'm rambling but I needed to get that off my chest. I love my sister and don't want to tell her her support is going south so I come here and dump those feelings here.

Teresa, i completely understand what you're saying.  People truly cannot understand the gravity, for the most part, and every little bit of support helps.  ***Hugs***  

i'm grateful for the group here who truly get it!  Thank you all.

Well, we went to the 'mass' Monday evening and Shelby's name was mentioned, as were a couple other individuals.  It was extremely annoying, though, since the announcer did not even get the first letter of her last name correct, even though it was plainly written on the card!!!!  *sigh  (i find it odd that it took the church this long to even be able to mention her???  That was all they did, btw--mention her name, and ask for prayers for the lost ones' souls.  Why would you need to schedule it?--i'll never understand.)  

I don't mean to offend anyone but I thought clergy would be able to offer me something but nope nothing.  The only people that can offer me anything in this, is another parent going through it. 

I'm going to see one of our members this summer. This is the first thing I have been able to look forward to since Michael left.  As crazy as it sounds I'm looking forward to it.  We will be able to have any emotion we want and neither of us will tell the other one to STOP!

My sister is wrong I have made a lot of progress. When I think back to that first day, week, month and year I know I progressed. 

I'm not okay but I'm okay!

I am so sorry for all of us that are here....

Teresa you certainly didn't offend me... Clergy don't always know how to handle a situation such as ours.. Some are often unsympathetic and thoughtless... Frankly besides the memorial for my Son I don't want a preacher around me right now!! They haven't made me feel any better..

Teresa enjoy your visit with your friend! Laugh, cry and act crazy! You can't do it with everybody!!

It might be nice to have a change of scenery!!

And B. for you I feel like it is a stab in your heart everywhere you go. I'm with you, it is hurtful when people can't even pronounce your child's name right.. It upsets me when people misspell my Son's name... I think "don't they know the difference in a boy Jesse and a girl Jessie!!!" That's the way I learned it in school a hundred years ago... But to those people it's just another name....

David, I also wish you never had to find this site.  I am so sorry for the loss of your Carli.  What you are going through is to be expected.  Your loss is so recent and there is no comfort or understanding right now.  Only pain, sadness, and lots of tears.  I wish there was a way around it, but there isn't.  Feel your grief, but don't give up.  Breathe.  You may consider seeing your doctor and explaining your feelings.  Maybe he or she can give you something to help you cope a little better.  We all know how you feel and know your pain.  We are all living through it and you can too.  Please don't do anything to harm yourself.  Give yourself some time.  Come here and let it all out if you can't do it around others.  We understand.

David, I'm sorry you have to join us. My heart is with you and Carli today.

I agree with Ammy, right now allow yourself to grieve but know your wife and daughter need you too. 

We all know that feeling of wanting to die because it feels the pain is so great we just can't live with it, but we can survive it because we survive it together. 

When your ready share what you need to and we will support you. 

Tomorrow's Mother's Day. I usually spend it depressed and I don't expect tomorrow to be much different.  I can't pull myself to say, HAPPY MOTHER's DAY, knowing all of us will feel our own sadness for the one that is missing.  But you know what? We're all still Moms and we will never stop being Moms..  So today I want to give RECOGNITION to all the MOMS!!!!!! No matter the circumstance that will always be your child just as MICHAEL will ALWAYS be my SON!!!!!!!!!! 

David, you are so right.  Most people don't understand because they haven't lived it.  It just isn't possible to know the extent of the loss of a child.  I understand that because I didn't understand it either until I had to experience it.
Most people don't mean to say the wrong thing, but down the road you might find some that can't or won't understand your grief lasting so long and think you should be over it.  You need to ignore those comments if they should ever come.
This is your child; a part of you.  A connection like no other.  You will always grieve your loss of her, but the intensity will lighten up gradually.  
For now you need to take it slow.  One minute at a time if necessary.  Remember to breathe deeply and to take care of yourself.  

So I haven't posted in a very long time.  Niles died May 27, 2009... Yes it is still difficult to have birthdays and death days pass.... And Mother's Day too.... I am posting to share to you knew to this so called club that.....I am still breathing 8 years later.... Grief still lives but time softens the pain.....I still cry.... But I can push through to another day.  Life is different. It always will be. But you will breathe through some days and rejoice on other days..... Hope... I remember how I read your posts every day....and having a group to pour our sadness helps......that is why I am posting today.....so you know I am climbing this mountain..... And I want to encourage you all that you will too.....but it is the tallest mountain anyone will ever climb....and some days you need to set up camp and rest there before you can climb to the next levels....

I just wanted to say that all of you are in my heart every single day.  I know you truly "get it".  Nothing can ever stop us from being moms and dads.  Our children are more alive than ever and in unimaginable joy.   David, you have been on my mind since I read your first post.  All of us here know that you are in the greatest pain of your life.  In the darkest times remember that there is no doubt that you will see Carli again.  Love to you all.

“Yours is the light by which my spirit's born: - you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.”

― E.E. Cummings

~ Love and miss you with all my heart, pretty girl ❤️

we lost Brandon the thursday before mother's day in 2013 so Mother's Day from that point on has been a time of a sort of shock... but we just get through the day and the month best we can... what else can we do?

I lost my son 4 month ago. my daughter came over  for mothers day, bringing me flowers and a card. I couldn't enjoy anything and I got mad at my husband for something stupid........then we all cried....today I feel guilty. I think of all of you, hugs. 

Silke B, try not to feel guilty.  We really aren't in control of our emotions.  Especially in the beginning.  I still snap at my husband some days for no reason.  Just thankful that he doesn't take it personally anymore.  

I sometimes think about birth and death and how before it was a normal thing.  We all know that we are born and someday die, but now I feel like I've been born again into a different life and have to learn how to live all over again.  This is definitely a much harder one than the first, but day by day we somehow manage to keep going.

I hope your days become a little kinder, gentler, and bring you some peace.  Hugs.

Thinking of you David.  Pleased to read you all made it through Mother's day.  Holidays are always hard, but right now I know that every day is hard to get through.  

Thinking of you all and ......

Thanks Ammy <3

David.. it seems you have an understanding about suicide that many don't seem to have... too many people talk about the suicidal person as 'selfish' and they just have no idea... the pain the suicidal person goes through is so raw and total... and you seem to know that... your sweet daughter ... only the tender hearts feel pain like that I think... so deep and so inexplicable to anyone who has never felt that hopelessness and uselessness.. the frustration of having no control over anything ... I know the feeling well... my heart is so sad for you... its obvious how much you love and miss your sweet girl.... my son didn't die the same way, but I too can't shake the pain of losing him... this month has been awful... its been 4 years since he died.. and I think I'm dealing with it better.. and in my conscious mind I seem to be.. sort of.. but then my body tells me otherwise... its been one physical thing after another this month and when I finally gave up and went to the doctor all the tests come back 'normal'... but still I am overwhelmed with all manner of symptoms... its as if we can not NOT grieve.. we can't fool ourselves totally... this grief is part of us now.. and no matter what we do it will have it's 'pound of flesh'... please keep coming and sharing... this group has meant so much to me... because nobody here judges... if anyone ever comes in and tries that the rest of us soon take care of them straightaway... because those of us who know this pain won't stand for anyone to come and attack any of us... a strange little group of support and love here... one none of us EVER wanted to have to be part of..

I'm so sorry, David.  I can only imagine what your beautiful daughter was feeling and thinking as she wrote that.  I, like you, used to be happy.  Now I find it hard to care much about anything.  But I have prayed for you and will continue to do so.

I know what you mean Patty... everything seems so unreal anymore... and yet the world moves along... I feel like I'm WATCHING it but can't get up the will or energy to jump on and be part of it... it all seems so shallow and pointless so much of the time.. I feel so lost... like everything I thought I knew is gone... nothing is stable and sure... nothing makes sense.. I can't trust anything... even my own self.. I constantly find myself trying to figure out what people are REALLY thinking.. what their REAL attitude towards me is... and never feeling like I know for sure.. always doubting.. always so lonely..

Dolly, everything you said describes my feelings exactly.  I always wonder what people really think of me but on the other hand I don't seem to really care.  I feeling like a "watcher" too.  Not only do I not feel the will or energy to be a part of it I also feel like I don't really belong anymore.  I can't get over the fact that the world keeps going on.  It seems like yesterday that my daughter was here (it's getting close to 7 years) and I can't wrap my head around the fact that people have just picked up and moved on.  I don't think I will ever feel anything close to "okay" again.  If I'm still feeling like this after almost 7 years I probably always will.

you know Patty.. I realized when I read your post that I don't really care what people think either... and I don't really care all that much about them .. I try to shake that but I'd be a liar if I said Im any good at that.. mostly I just don't want to think about anyone else ... people just seem to be so shallow ... worrying about such inane things... when they have no clue ... I just want to hold my baby again... nothing else even computes at those times... just that wanting... when the missing is just all there is..

Dolly, yes, the things people talk and worry about just about drive me crazy.  Even the "big" things are nothing compared to this.  Nothing.  For me your statement is exactly correct "the missing is just all there is".

yes there's others that are still hear with us.. thank God.. and we need to remember them.. but they need to remember that we are heartbroken and aren't going to be here for anybody 100% at least for awhile.. at least that's how it seems to me... I know they have their own grief and need help too... but somewhere in all that we have to be able to grieve for our babies that we can't hug anymore..

here not 'hear' with us

And some of us don't have anyone left.  The children we lost are our one and only.  For us we can't get the motivation up to try.

So sorry Patty.  As hard as this is I can't imagine your pain/loss for an only child.  I do believe it has to be somewhat different from us that have other children.  I have found for myself that my two daughters and the grandchildren are helpful distractions at times.  But then there are those days when I don't want to be around anyone.  I agree that this is  a lifetime experience.  I also am coming up on 7 years and I do have better days, but I never make it a whole day without some time missing my son and wanting to see him again.  I really force myself to change my focus to something else or I will break down.

I pray you have some easier days.  I pray this for all of us.  

David, I hope you are able to explain to Katie that she is very important to you, but that it is so soon since losing Carli that you are still in shock and need time.  She is probably grieving too and needs you.  Hug her.