Yeah, it's been 6 years. I never has gotten easier.

Nobody ever mentions Brandon.. I have lost myself.. nothing works anymore.. this country has lost its mind.. the world is falling apart.. maybe it will all end in a big bang.. I don't care.

Dolly, Jill sometimes I think it's they don't know what to say so they say nothing. They think talking about them will make us sad without knowing it's the lack of talking about them that makes us sad.

Connie I'm sorry you sat alone but know I was crying right along with you.

Sandy Congratulations on the new grandson.  I know nothing takes the place of our children but hopefully he can bring you some joy.

Lynn thank you.

Dick I know this has been hard for you but it's nice seeing you pop in.  As sad as it is you prepare me for the future.  I know not to expect to much.  That's the nice thing about those a head of you, they don't lie to you or try to make you expect more.  Dick believe it or not you make me feel normal.

I love you all!

Hello everyone,
I don't get on the computer very much anymore.  It's old and slow.  But I do think of you all and pray for you daily.
I am not boasting.  There is nothing to boast about on this journey, but I'm saying this to give hope to those that feel hopeless.  I am six years and seven months into this journey.  I have to say that I am doing better.  The pain is not as harsh all the time.  It hasn't gone away, it's just different. There are still tearful days, but not every day.  I'm slowly moving forward; one breath, one step, one day at a time.  It may not seem like much to others, but it's better than nothing at all.  I take each day as it comes because I find it easier. 
I honestly would never want it to be completely gone.  I don't know how to explain it, but it has become a part of me that I embrace.
You may not think it, but you are all strong; even in your weakness.  Never give up being you.  Don't worry about what others think.  Just because we are grieving parents it doesn't mean we have something wrong with us.  It means we miss and love our child who is no longer here with us.  Our reality is forever changed.  We all need to grieve at our own pace and find our own way because it's a lifetime thing.
You are all in my heart and I send you my love.

It's been 6 years and 6 months for me.  For me, it is not getting better.  I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Patty your not doing anything wrong. We always think others are doing better than ourselves, but NO! We all just have to find our own way.  I agree with Ammy I never want all of it to go away.  If I have to feel my Michael through my tears than I'm okay with crying forever. This is the new normal me.

I went to a family dinner with my sisters, brother and nieces and nephews.  My daughter decided at the start of dinner to ask everyone to tell their fondest memory of my Michael. By the time the second person started to talk I had to stop them.  I couldn't eat, the tears were streaming and I discovered I wasn't ready for that.  I want to hear the stories and laugh like everyone else, just can't find the laughter right now.

I'm 4 1/2 years in and still crying daily.  I hate this, some days I feel like I'm making progress and some days I feel stuck back on day one.  I learned there's nowhere I can go to escape it so I have to embrace it.  How do you do that? I have no clue. 

Thank you for sharing that, Teresa.  

I haven't posted anything in a while but I come here to read stories about the losses we (mostly) Mothers are going through. Looking for answers and knowing in my heart there are none...My Jesse was 38 days away from being 38 years old. Why do we have to go through such heartache and unbearable pain??? Is it punishment for some transgression we committed??? Why? Why? Why? I can't hardly stand the pain! I am so ready to die....Matter of fact I welcome it, anything to take this unbearable heartache and pain away...Nothing can mend my broken heart!!!

Before my life changed on July 5, 2016 I was going to my Dads 3 times a week. I cooked, did his laundry, played dominoes, took him to doctor appointments, picked up prescriptions, bought his groceries and filled his pill box and whatever else needed to be done. My brother (4 yrs older than me) lives with my Dad. He owes my Dad EVERYTHING but he doesn't want to do anything for him. My Dad is almost 94 years old and his mind and body are not what they used to be.. After my Jesse's accident I simply could not continue to go as regular as I had. I have been on antidepressants to help me cope with him and my Mother (she passed 3 yrs ago.)  I am still having a very hard time excepting that my only son has passed away. I hadn't been going to my Dads but every 2-3 weeks and crying all the way home cause my Dad didn't understand why I had quit coming. He couldn't remember my son, his grandson, and that was very upsetting to me. He thought I was mad at him. I would have to explain why I hadn't been there. He still really didn't understand. Recently I have started going a little more and can see that my Dads mind has deteriorated considerably. He sits in the house by himself all day. He can't remember how to turn the tv on and nobody stops to visit or check on him. My brother sometimes will but not like he should and only briefly. The house is FILTY and trash every where 'cause my brother won't bother to clean up or pick up! Today I told my brother we need to think about doing something different with Dad. (My Dad has the money) I told him Dad needs some activity, some interaction with people. I told him sitting in the house day in and day out would work on anyone's mind and his is already feeble to begin with. I told my brother as the days get longer and he gets busier (farming) he will be there less. He said "well why don't you come and stay with him!" I said I can't I haven't felt very good. He said "well what's wrong with you?" I got very upset and ask him "how he would feel if he had lost a child?" I said "you have no ideal what that's like cause you have never lost any of your children (5!)" He says well "I guess I don't know" and "I said you never will understand how I feel until you do!!" I left in tears and cried all the way home. I am still upset! Should I want to go back to an already depressing situation because my brother doesn't want to spend Dads money on his care? It's very hard to see your parents dwindle away in front of you.. But losing my parents cannot remotely compare to the loss of my child, my only son...I just am not able right now to go back in the same capacity as I did. I am trying! Am I wrong to feel this way? I would appreciate some input from people that have experienced what I have...Thanks for listening!

Hello. My name is Debbie. I am Adrianne's Daughter. I joined this group to announce to you of her passing. She took her last breath on July 4th, 2016. She was my best friend, my better half and my person. I am not sure how to even begin to cope. She found a lot of comfort on this site and i am so grateful to all those who read and wrote to her. When my brother passed away she became more ill. It just ruined her. She used to tell me stories of those on this support group. It was hard for her to read but she felt so connected. 

She had cancer and I think I just never wanted to accept that it could take her because she was my world. The day she passed, I knew that if my brother came to her she would never come back and that was the case. I can't write to much because the pain is too hard, to intense. 

may you all be blessed and I am so sorry for all your and my pain.

Rita, I went through a similar time with my mom and my brother, but it was before we lost our son.  Maybe you need to contact the Aging and Adult services where you live and seek assistance.  It may go under another name where you are. 

I know how difficult it was for me and I can't imagine being able to do it while grieving.  I hope you will find some help because you really need to take care of yourself first.

Debbie Lynn, I knew your mom.  She was a beautiful person and we shared together about our sons.  I was her friend on FB too. I miss her great smile.  Sometimes her comments pop up in my memories on FB and I am saddened each time I see them.  I know she missed your brother, Don, so very much; just as we all miss our children. 

I know you were very close and I'm so sorry for your pain.  Keep her in your heart and remember the good/fun times.  She would want that.  And take care of yourself.  Hugs.

Thank you Jill and Ammy for the kind words and understanding... I am so hurt by my brothers insensitive comment that I haven't been able to get it off my mind. I actually had been trying harder and going to my Dad's twice a week. I took him for a new pacemaker and the follow up check yesterday. He was really mixed up yesterday. He wanted to take his blankets, his boots and a sweater. I talked him out of the blankets but couldn't the boots and sweater. I know he is dehydrated cause he doesn't drink enough water and it does cause his mind to be worse. I am torn between him and my grief which doesn't seem to be getting better. And after yesterday, dealing with my brother I don't want to go back at all! It seems like about the time I feel  I'm handling my grief better, something happens to bring it all to the forefront. I know I have developed some health problems because of the overwhelming grief. And I don't intend to do anything about it. I welcome death...to get me out of this horrible place I'm in!

Debbie I am so sorry for the lost of your Mom.  Just know she was just as important to us as we were to her.

Rita I don't have advise.  My mother shut down in 2008 when my dad passed away, til this day she has not been able to offer me any comfort.  When I visit the most I get is, "you know I loved Michael". No hug or anything else attached to it.  I know my mother loved my son but I need more from her but I gave up on expecting it.  She also doesn't understand why it's hard for me to visit her now.

Was a really hard month but once again I survived it.  The day Michael came and the day Michael left are just so hard to get by. 

For the past few weeks I've been praying to God to help me hear his voice.  I feel like his voice is getting away from me.

My sister called me to tell me she was looking for a VHS tape that she knew my son and my father were on but couldn't find it and gave up on it as lost. 

After spending the day looking for the tape she said she had a dream she was talking to my dad but when he went to answer her she woke up.

Feeling a little upset about the dream she got out of bed in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea.

She discovered her frig stopped working in the night and went in her basement to get a little frig she had stored.  She opened it and there was the tape.

She sent it to be converted into a DVD. I can't wait to get it.  All I want is to hear my son's voice.  THANK YOU DADDY!!!!!!!

Debbie Lynn - I am so sorry to hear of your mom's passing. Thank you for letting us know and sharing your story. We are here for you also and I am sending live and prayers

Rita - I am sorry for your situation. There is no way your brother can understand. Same in my family. My sister asked one day when I was crying if there was a pill I could take for that!But at least you were able to say that to him and maybe he is processing how difficult it is to live with the passing of a child. Since there is some money, could you hire someone to come to your dad's house a few times a week , clean the house and take care of the things that you or your brother cannot? I know it can be expensive but offers one solution.

Teresa, Jill, Ammy and all of you here, I continue to muddle through the days. I do the monthly Compassionate Friends newsletter to try to channel this pain into something helpful. But some friends and family don't think I should do it. They say they think it keeps me sad. lol. I told my sister  "I'm always sad. Doing a newsletter doesn't MAKE me sad. And no one talks to me about it so this is a way to express myself and help others." But she doesn't get it. She can't. Thank God. But it hurts so much anyway that people don't understand and can't give you the empathy we need. Thank you to all of you for being so supportive. I wish you all peace and hope.

Teresa- love your story!!

Silke B., I read what you wrote about your son.  I am so sorry, and also sorry that you had to find this site, but hopefully you will find a sort . companionship and compassion here.  We all understand. We are all here for the same reason.  
There is no method to get through your grief.  It's an individual journey and yet there are so many connections too.  Try to take care of yourself.  You need to have your physical strength.  Grieve as you need.  Don't hold it in.  It also needs to be released.
I wish there was more I could say that would help, but hopefully the others will give you support.
Will keep you in prayer; with hope for some comfort.  Hugs.

Teresa, I'm glad I was able to check in here today.  What a wonderful blessing it is to have found that tape.  Definitely a Godsend.  I pray it will bring you some happiness even though I know it will also bring you tears.  
I miss the sound of my son's voice too, and I have to put in a video to hear him, but it always has its repercussion.  It's worth it though.  It has taken time to come to the place where, at times, I embrace my grief.  It has gone through several different stages and at times they all repeat.  What a journey this is.
So I pray you are able to embrace both the smiles and the tears when you see the video. 
Hugs to you and all the moms.

Thanks ladies, for your support.  I'm glad I had it to share. 

Silke B I am so sorry you had to find us, just know your not alone. 

Connie, I had to giggle at your sister.  It's funny how everybody wants us to stop crying.  That's how I release and I'm okay with it.  I no longer stand in public and bawl, I wait until I get to my car now. To me that's progress. 

Rita, I'm sorry your going through a difficult time right now and your brothers not there to support you through it. 

Thanks Teresa D. and Ammy for your words.

I don't have faith anymore, since that happened.

Can't write much more right now, to vulnerable.   

WOW Theresa... how awesome ! It reminds me of when my son was looking for a favorite picture of his fiancee for her casket.. she was killed in a horrible accident.. he said he looked everywhere and finally gave up and asked God to help him find it.. the next morning the 'missing' picture was on TOP of the pile  he had been going through over and over... God cares about us and knows how much we miss our sweet loved ones... there's so little real love left in the world today but His never stops.

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Thanks everyone for your understanding words and encouragement. Yes Ammy we are vulnerable to thoughtless and insensitive people. I don't know if anyone has tried or believes in Mediums but I went recently with my 2 Daughters and it was very emotional. This Lady knew things she couldn't have possibly known. The things in his shop he was working on, (the fact he had a shop) his dog that he loved so much and had to put down several years ago. Just so many things. She knew he a had a conflict with someone and I told her it was with me and she told me he wanted me to know he was so sorry for it.. (I also blamed some body for his death but I kept it to myself.)   He told her that we could have not stopped his death that it was his time and there was nothing we could have done....So many things she told us that was so true and only we knew...In the same session my Mother appeared to her and my children's Father. The things she said about my Mother were specific to her. There was no mistake in who she was seeing and speaking for....Jesse, my Mother and Ex...The dog....The things she told us she couldn't have known..... Everything was right on.   I did find some comfort but it didn't lessen the heart break and sadness I feel for the loss of one of my babies.....          

Rita

I have had many wonderful and true readings. While it doesn't help the pain, I do find comfort in my belief that spirit never dies and that our children continue in another form, doing amazing things. I know I will be together again with my son in the same form again some day and I feel his presence a lot. I asked his advice and I talk to him often. Last week while visiting my mother in South Carolina,  another sign came.

I had given her a beautiful carved wooden bookmark with butterflies on it from Daniel her angel grandchild. She had it on the table in her living room where she reads. The morning I was leaving, I was outside on her porch and the bookmark was laying on an outside table she has with several angels on it. I had just cleaned the porch the night before because guests were coming for dinner. I KNOW it wasn't there!! And yet there it was just laying there out of nowhere! I asked her if she knew why it was there and she said she had no idea because it was on her table. She feels him visit her too and I definitely think he was saying that he had been there for a visit as well....

I know holding the faith is really hard. You don't have to always believe to pray anyway. To talk to them anyway. It's all that gets me through.

I am so sorry for everyone's pain and hold you all close to my heart.

Silke B

 I am so very sorry to have to welcome you to this group. I hope you can find some support and comfort here.

This is true about grief.....

Rita, this is an excellent theory.  I remember reading this a few years ago, and I will have to agree with the writer that the waves are not always 100 ft. high for me now.
I pray you all find them getting lower when it's your time.
Have a blessed & calm weekend everyone.

Rita, thank you for sharing that.  It is so right.

I haven't dreamed about my son till recently and I had one dream It has haunted me ever since and if I think about it too long I cry. I dreamed I was hugging him and begging him not to drive or go anywhere that night. Like most dreams I then woke up but I have thought about it so much.. Oh how I wished I had July 5th back for a do over. I would hold him close and not let him go.....

Rita, I love this picture of your beautiful son.

Connie, everything you said is true for me.  Caitlin's 27th birthday is next month.  She was taken from us on 8/9/10.  My body remembers being pregnant.  Every night when I went to bed Caitlin would kick way up high on my right side.  I can still feel that.  I feel guilty for not respecting my life as well.  I don't take care of myself.  I did before but I just don't care enough anymore.  It bothers me, as well, that there is nothing that I want to do in life.  I can't think of one thing that I am looking forward to.  Not one.  That really bothers me.  It seems so not right.  I'm so sick of pretending that everything is okay.  People tell me that I'm strong too.  It's all pretend.  Most days I just wish I could die.  If given the option that is what I would choose.  I do feel guilty thinking that because I know how hard it would be on my husband but I really just want to be with Caitlin again and with God. Sometimes I wonder if God doesn't want me anymore because I don't respect my life.  I hope he understands why I don't.  I feel like I've had a brain injury or something because I'm so different than before and not in a good way obviously.  I think different, I can't remember things, I cry all the time, I act different etc.  Being here is so awful to me.  I'm sick of just surviving and nothing more.  I wish I had some days when I felt like I'm not drowning but I don't.  Caitlin and I were inseparable.  She called me her best friend.  Living here without her is torture to me.  Thank you for being so honest.  It gave me permission to vomit all this anger and sorrow up.  I will be praying for you and a positive result on your tests.  Love to all.  

Connie and Patty I think a lot of us are on the same path as you....don't care and don't take care of ourselves and don't want to... Jesse was not my only child but he was my only son. Birthday months are so hard that's when you REALLY wished you weren't here. The pain is almost unbearable. I have went through Jesse's birthday and it was so very painful and heartbreaking...I dread his death date.

I know what both of you and many of the Mothers on this site are going through. A lot of us are struggling to get up everyday and face another day of living without our child.....Hugs and more hugs to you....

Connie and Patty I think a lot of us are on the same path as you....don't care and don't take care of ourselves and don't want to... Jesse was not my only child but he was my only son. Birthday months are so hard that's when you REALLY wished you weren't here. The pain is almost unbearable. I have went through Jesse's birthday and it was so very painful and heartbreaking...I dread his death date.

I know what both of you and many of the Mothers on this site are going through. A lot of us are struggling to get up everyday and face another day of living without our child.....Hugs and more hugs to you....

Thanks Patty and Rita. I know you all understand, I am sorry to say

I fixate on playing music on my Q chord along with iTunes whenever I can... nothing else interests me at all... going for a ride in the car on a nice warm sunny day ... to nowhere... or maybe to grab something from Wendy's to eat in the car... can't even find anything to read or watch on TV.. just watched Downton Abby for the second time all the way through... wish there were more shows like that one... I can just get totally lost in it... I'll watch it again I'm sure... nothing on TV is any good anymore... even my favorite soap since 1980 is so stupid now its embarassing to me to see the once interesting and talented actors and actresses acting the idiotic parts in idiotic repetitive plots.. none of which apply to me in any way... I feel lost in a world that I don't belong in...

Connie, in response to your comment about the bio-memories, I believe there is something to that, I noticed that my chakra over the womb area still feels like it has been ripped open, like a raw wound. I never told anyone that. It happened that I was having an energy body treatment and when the practitioner went over that area with his hands, I almost flew off the table it hurt so bad. He did not touch me, as it was not that type of treatment. So there is something to the Chi or life force body I have found that can be wounded.

Dolly, I do not belong anywhere either. Just counting down days.

How can i even begin to think about 'healing,' when i'm still waiting for information from the detective and medical examiner?  i have enough problem even trying to think of my daughter in the 'past tense,' but this limbo-state is really.....well, it's making the reality seem even further away.  i don't know how to even function, lately.  When i can, i sleep.  The dreams and 'visions' are still pretty vivid, obviously, but...i just can't seem to have any motivation, whatsoever.  

Music is helping me... but probably much has to do with the connection we had through music to Brandon during his life.. now it seems its still connecting us somehow.. and we are getting out to play with 3 different groups now.. not every week but usually at least twice a week... we play everything from jazz and blues to old 40's love songs and Gospel songs and country songs and even some rock and roll and Simon and Garfunkle type songs... we don't do much but play music together.. don't really talk to each other.. don't know anything about any of the others really.. but we seem to bond just through the music.. sometimes talking is just too hard... feeling the beauty of the music helps... and these people seem really nice.. mostly... except for some petty jealousy which always seems to crop up everywhere.. we try to stay out of any of that.. it gives us something to look forward to that isn't threatening or demanding ... and that makes us feel as good as we will ever feel again I think..

Here is one song me and Chaz do together at home... its one we found in a Corrie Ten Boom book about the holocaust.. she and her Dutch family hid jews in their home and were sent to concentration camps where her sister died.. her sister would sing this song to the prisoners with her in the camp.. after reading the book I looked up the song and found it here on youtube... its a beautiful song if you love God... we do.. we don't understand but we believe one day when we're together again we WILL understand..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piUDbCtgymw

B. Windsor you are expecting too much from yourself, be easy! There's no rush to get through the horrible grief of losing a child or anyone we love! You don't have to be a certain way or in a certain state! It is what it is and it's the most horrible of all losses...Be patient with yourself and don't expect too much from yourself! But don't let other people dictate how you should feel....

I am sorry you are here! None of us here like this place but here we are looking for some measure of comfort and/or connection to others in the same state!!

Dolly I am hoping that at some point I can listen to music or the radio. At this point, 8 months, I still can't do either...And music always made me feel better when I was down but not now!! It just makes me cry.....

Thank you for the input, Dolly and Rita.  

i guess i'm just struggling to find my way....thru this.