It is going on 4 years tomorrow since my beautiful son Jesse transitioned. Two days ago someone who knew him called my house phone and asked for him. I just lost it. The man did not realize my son had passed and when I told him he quickly hung up. I could hear the cheeriness in his voice as he thought he was going to talk with my son. Jesse affected many like that...I think it put him into shock to learn Jesse was gone. I went out side and cried until I threw up.

My husband just called and said, do you want to go to Jesse's grave site?

What kind of future is this??

My chest has been hurting again and feels sort of bloated. This was how it was in the beginning too.

I think for some mourners, there is no leveling out...I just don't see it as being possible for me.

I'm feeling so especially depressed today.  My sister called with the wonderful news that my brother-in-law (her husband) is in complete remission from stage 4 prostate cancer.  It is truly wonderful news and I love my brother-in-law.  They are over the moon obviously.  But as I was listening to her I realized once again that for the rest of my life I will never have "over the moon" news.  Never.  And I really understand what Jesse's mom is talking about.  A piece of mail addressed to Caitlin destroys me.  A phone call for her would do me in.  It's like a blazing sign that says "She's not here anymore".   And I agree with her that for some mourners there is no leveling out.  I am one of those people.  I will never have peace with this.

Burning a candle for Jesse tonight beside Daniel's. I agree I am sorry to say, that I will never have peace with this either. In some ways it just gets harder and harder. Love and prayers to everyone

Thank you for the kind words, and Connie, thank you for the lit candle in Jesse's memory. It truly touched me, I am honored that a candle for Jesse was placed beside your son's, Daniel.

And I am sure that Jesse was happy too.. May we find peace one day, and healing. for me, perhaps it will have to wait until that Other side of life.

Jesse's Mom I believe they are in peace and experiencing that which we cannot know. I pray for some peace for all of us. It is so difficult and as time goes by for me I wonder...how do I keep doing this. My health certainly has suffered. I just can't break through the wall of pain. Ad now with the holidays coming I just want to curl up in a corner til they are over. I dread it all. Daniel passed on Dec. 1at. I have not been able to have a family dinner at our home since. When I try to plan something my chest fills up and I feel like I can't breathe and then it all comes flooding back. I know everyone thinks I need to move forward. I haven't even found a job except I do a lot of volunteer work. I've gained a bunch of weight. I don't recognize myself. I lost me too. But my greatest joy is and will always be the sweet memories and love of my son. As hard as it is, I am so very thankful for him because that has shown me the greatest love, I miss you Daniel!!! I want you to come home.....

Hello sister "moms".  I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you all.  It's hard for me to believe that I came to this site 6 years ago.  It was an anchor for me and I am so glad I found it.  Now there are so many new "moms" and most that were here when I started have disappeared.  I think I understand why, but I am drawn back here to check and see how some of you that have been here for a few years are doing.  It's always sad to see newcomers, but I'm glad they also found their way here.

There is no cure for what we have, but in time there are remissions.  I pray you all get yours.  In the meantime keep breathing, take care of yourselves, and take those baby steps forward when you can.

Sending hugs and prayers to all.

Ammy, I, too, don't come as often anymore but check in periodically. It's sad to see new parents appear here and it's also sad to see the ones who came around the same time that I did "disappear." As Thanksgiving approaches, I think back to that holiday of 2012, the last day I ever saw my son. It doesn't feel real, even this much later. My prayers for everyone here.

I lost my 8 month old son just two months ago and I'm just trying to find anything and everything that will help me to keep going as I have a 2 year old I have to care for even though its difficult to get out of bed even though I get no sleep and I'm huge mess. just looking for advice from people who actually know what I'm going through and how it feels.

Crystal, I lost my 18 year old two months ago yesterday. I am so sorry for your loss - I am probably just in the same boat as you, and so my advice may be limited, but I am finding grief counseling very helpful - talking helps.

I too have just past the 4 year mark. How strange and unreal my life seems now...there are the panic attacks that emerge time to time as I look at this earth, it seems like a foreign, hostile place to me now.

About NDEs...the first time I heard one was when I was working at a major health clinic about 10 years ago. I did not know at the time what a NDE was, I don't think the person who shared knew about them either, it was just his personal experience he told me. My co-worker's husband had a heart attack and almost died. I talked to him after he returned to better health. He told me he had died, entered some kind of light, there was so much peace he did not want to return to life. He quickly told me not to tell his wife that. 

I also had an Uncle who had an NDE a long time ago, during the 50s. He had been very ill, and was given pennicillan. What the doctor did not know is my Uncle was allergic to it and his heart stopped. He found himself outside his body looking down on the scene below. This story was told to me after my son passed.

Hugs Jill. Our date is Dec.1 Just the hardest time

Dolly, agreed with everything you wrote. 

So sorry to the new ones here. 

Connie, hugs to you and to Jill as you both near angelversary dates.

Today, we received a notice in the mail that the girl who killed our son is going to appeal the court's decision. 

Her phony -- I am sorry -- in the court, I refused to accept it because she is not sorry, neither will she ever be. The judge asked me if we would accept that it was an emphatic No from me, so right that I held true to my inner guidance.

Omg.  I can't believe that a clergyman said that.  After that amount of time my pastor/counselor told me that it would probably get worse for a time.   Agreed, never let that man around a grieving mom.    

Dear Nb

That story about your clergy just makes me angry and sad. This is a person who id=s supposed to be offering guidance and is obviously oblivious to the reality you are going through. I believe it was Albert Einstein who said "A great grief is easily managed by all who do not have it". I would encourage you to look elsewhere for spiritual guidance and comfort. There are caring,  loving spiritual leaders out there who would better serve you. I have said to people who make comments like that to me that 'well it's really hard to explain how difficult it is unless you've experienced it yourself and I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. So I get that you can't understand. But thanks for caring.' They usually stare blankly at me and change the subject. Point made.

Jill

The holidays get harder and harder to deal with. I just avoid as much as  I can and show up for the day if I have to. I haven't sent a Christmas card in 4 years . Every time I think about the amount of effort, my soul is too tired to even think about it much less do it. I send e-mails to those who have it and well one card - to my mother. I will sing as much as I can. i feel like we are together then. And gifts are going to be a gift from the Heifer Organization. And the longer it gets when you tell someone they act like that a lot of time has passed. as we all know - it feels like yesterday sometimes

Damn

I've had some very sad news... a loved one has lost her unborn child... my heart is aching so much for her... the pain and sadness just blots out everything else ... it never stops.. my heart is broken for her.. and all mothers with empty arms...

My heart is aching too Dolly.  My cousin's 21 year old daughter went missing this summer and just recently they found her body in the brush at the local park. It was really hard attending her service.  I already know from my own experience there is nothing I can say or do to make this better for them.  All I can do is let them know I'm there to support them the way they need me to.

Dolly I also saw the younger picture of Brandon that you posted, he seems to of always had that big bright beautiful smile. 

NB how awful clergy would say that, but you know I learned they are no different then anyone else NOT walking in our shoes.  They just don't get it! 

My brother the other day told me I needed to get a hobby so I could move on.  I didn't know whether to be mad or laugh at him.  Then he tells me how he has all my sons tools in his work building and that he keeps all of it just because it belongs to my son Michael.  Now here is is unable to stop hoarding Michael's tools but me his mom should get a hobby to move on.  See they just don't get it or catch themselves. 

4 years in and still don't have much figured out.

Holidays are coming and I still don't know what to do with them. 

Thursday is Thanksgiving Day for those of us in the US but I want everyone to know even in my times of silence I still appreciate everyone one of you. 

I'm thankful for the 29 years God allowed me to have Michael.

And I'm thankful for those of you who have taken this journey with me since he departed.

Teresa I am so so sorry to hear about your cousin's daughter. Heart wrenching. Yes here we are and I am thankful for all of you as well. And of course  for having the honor of sharing this planet with my son Daniel. His bright smile and infectious energy lit up our world and will continue to until I am with him again. Already I am having a hard time being in public. Yeah the whole "move on" thing.....not gonna happem. And the more time that passes the more they think we should be moving on. They don't get that we can't move on. We can only move through the grief the best we can each day, Daniel passed on Dec. 1st That date is hanging heavy in the air. Hugs to all of you and many prayers to get through the holidays. <3

Oh, Teresa, I am so sorry about your cousinʻs daughter - that must be so hard. I think thatʻs all anyone can say - itʻs just not helpful for anyone to give anybody else grief advice: including getting a hobby. 

Oh Connie, having a Dec 1 death anniversary must make the holidays (which are already so hard) so much more difficult. My heart goes out to you. 

You are so right Connie we don't move on we only move through our grief. 

I've become more quite cause I just don't know what to say anymore. I've become such a faker.  Little does everyone know I still break down every day.

My nephews wedding was so hard.  It was outside on a beach and all I did during the ceremony was look for Michael.  Michael would have loved being there for his cousin. 

Michael had a neighbor that was an older woman with walking challenges from an accident.  she was so taken with Michael that she stays attached to my nephew that she met through Michael.  She actually traveled to Mexico for his wedding.

It was suppose to storm on the day of the wedding but it didn't, instead it was a beautiful day.  At the end I don't know if this woman saw me looking for Michael or if it was just her thought but she turned to me and said, "look Teresa see the sun shining through that cloud, that's Michael he's here." 

Later that night she went on and on about Michael.  Telling every story she could. All the sudden she stopped and asked me, "You do know your son impacted a lot of lives right?"

This woman has no idea what she did for me.

Bitter Sweet

Britt you can tell us about your son, we'll listen.

Thinking of you all as this season bears downs on us.  Thanksgiving has come and gone, and the remaining two will do the same.  We will get THROUGH.  Every day we get through.  If you're having a harder time just keep breathing and focus on today.  Try not to think ahead of how you are going to do it.  You will.  

I know I don't come here as often as before.  Like some of the others have said I also feel like it all has been said.  The newer moms remind us of where we have come from and we should be supporting them and encouraging them.  I'm sorry I haven't.

Just wanted you all to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers every day.  I send my love and hugs to you all.

I find this season gets no easier.  It used to be my favorite time of the year but no more.  Now it is the worst except for Caitlin's birthday and the accident date.  I found this quote in a book I'm reading:

“Yours is the light by which my spirit's born: - you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.” ~ E.E. Cummings

Love to you all.

It's hard to believe another year has come and gone without you my sweet angel. I hardly know what to say anymore but want you all here to know that my heart is always with you all. Sending you all prayers, love and hope for this new year.

You are right Jill - it just gets harder for me too . <3

When I first entered this room it was so active.  I came here daily for the emotional support and understanding that only other parents could understand.  I think of all of you daily. 

Today is Michael's birthday, he would be 34.  I went from Michael telling me "Your number one, you were always number one and you will always be number one!" to being handed a marble box a few days later.  No warning, no good bye, no nothing just that dam box.

Valentine's day was so perfect for him. While he looked like a big tough guy he had a heart of gold and would help anyone who needed it. 

He would tell me how silly I was for writing "love Santa" on his Christmas gifts yet once he left I found out he would buy gifts for kids and write "love Santa" on them and never tell the kids it was actually him who bought the gift.  So this year for Christmas I sponsored a family in his name.  I know he would have loved it!

Now today as hard as I'm trying I just can't keep the tears at bay.  So many are telling me he wouldn't want me to cry without realizing I need some type of way of releasing the pain.  How do you get over losing your child?  A question no one can answer.

Of course I think would he be married, would he have started having those kids he wanted, etc. How do I not think about what could have been.  Then that horrible moment comes when I tell myself I'm wasting time and energy because it will never be.

I don't get why no one else understand how much of a loss that was.  I not only lost my son I lost my dreams for my son.  Nothing we talked about in that last conversation matters now.

Some days I'm okay and some days like today I feel like I can't breath and my body is just going to shut down.  I try so hard cause I still have a daughter that needs me.  I try to hide my grief simply because I don't want her to feel less loved. 

Ok I'm rambling and I don't care cause I just don't know what to do with this or how to make the misery stop.  I want to be in a happier place but why is it so hard to get there? 

Michael mommy will never stop loving you!!!!!!!!!

Our sons and daughters will NEVER stop loving us no more than we will ever stop loving them.  THANK YOU JILL!

Hi everybody, I haven't been on here for a while, but you all are always in my thoughts.  I do agree that it does seem harder as more time goes by.  Teresa, there is nothing harder then the birthdays, I'm so sorry for your pain and your loss today. 

I moved to AZ in May and I will say it is better to be away from where Randy was with all the memories.  I came back here to Long Beach to work 6 weeks ago and I have 6 more weeks, I cry in my car every day for my sweet boy.  The memories here just are too much, I can't stand it.  I'm back to asking why, why him, why would he do that drug, why my baby.  My daughter just had a baby boy and while he is so wonderful and precious it hurts to see the baby boy and know that my baby boy is gone.  It hurts so much.  You all are always on my mind.  Much love..