Hi Carolee

we do understand you are not alone. And sorry for your loss. I had also didn,t want to go out of the house. life didn,t make sense to me after loosing my 15yrs old daughter. But we are here for you and will pray for you.

Thank you Sharnice and Jill.  This is so hard.

Jill I understand because the loss of a child at any age is so terrible.

No the years do not ease the pain. Have been crying all day on and off and the worst thing is that I have to cry unobserved or else have to go into why I'm crying and how many times do I say well I miss my son soooo bad. Patty and Dick, I hope somehow you got the strength to face the day. Danny, Kyra, Daniel, Brandon, all the sweet children we lost , you are all LOVED.

Michelle H. Teresa D, Dolly, Connie,Jill, I feel so so helpless. 

Today my son's friend called,he is in NJ and I have taught him in school too. He learnt of my son's pasing two years after it happened and has been trying to get my email id. He said he missed him so much that he had called another childhood friend of theirs and got it from his mom.

I was so touched and also so shaken. He told me how kind Shreyas always was and how they used to meet up whether in Dubai or India , wherever each happened to be and also that he is now getting married and wanted me to be there. I told him he has all my love and good wishes but for a while do not have plans of visiting India where the marriage will be.

I don't know why I am writing all this , just that there is this huge sense of emptiness and loss, I just want to hear my son's voice and see him so bad , I just want to hear him joke about everything and laugh , I need him so much , nothing but nothing can compensate this terrible loss. I look forward to somehow being with him again, to feel connected and content as I used to feel.I used to be a happy person. Now I just feel annoyed, frustrated, weak,gloomy,angry.

I don't want to look at a photograph and say this is my son. When will this end?

Its like a different lifetime  now, one when I was with my son and now its another lifetime, 2 lifetimes in one life...ughhhhh

Vasanthi, your words resonated with me.  There are 2 lifetimes in one life.  Before and after.   The after for me doesn't feel worth living.  Everywhere I go all I see are parents and children.  It doesn't matter if anybody else is there because all I see are parents who have their children.  Sometimes I still feel like I'm in denial.  I just can't believe that my beautiful daughter was taken.  How can the world still turn without her in it?   My world doesn't.   So depressed today.  Thanks for listening.

Hugs to you all. I just got back from my niece's wedding north of Seattle. So good to see everyone and I love my niece dearly. She also lost a 2 y.o. baby sister at age 5 and is 35 now. Just beginning to deal with what was never dealt with. So she included a section during their ceremony to remember those who we miss and who would want to and SHOULD BE there. Me and my sister-in-law and her partner's mom all played singing bowls for about 30 seconds. It was beautiful and made it even harder - I miss him SO SO much. When the plane landed today, I just started crying. It is so hard to come home to this town and this house where he will never physically be. How can this be? How could he have died that night? WTH do I do now? We all know how this grief is like waves, forever coming. This time it feels like a tidal wave. How can life be going on? I long to feel some desire for anything. Vasanthi my sweet Vasanthi you are so right. This is not the same life. But the second life is bound by the first.  Two new babies in the family within 2 weeks. Another nephew's wedding next year.... life goes on and I feel mine has stopped. And everyone seems to know what I should do to "feel better" and move in a more "productive way" except me. And no one but those of you here get it. I pray for us all and send you all love

Carolee, I am so very sorry for your recent loss. I am so sorry <3

I know I haven't been here lately. I find it hard to be, and yet I am drawn back to see how you all are doing and praying that you are okay. But then there are the new moms and it seems to start all over again. I keep hoping that there won't be any new comers and that it will end, but I know that won't happen either. I am so sorry for your losses and for your pain.
But it's a blessing that we have this site to share, empathize, encourage and provide emotional support to one another.
Connie is right when she says it comes in waves, but that is after awhile. In the beginning it is wave after crushing wave. Our lives, in a sense, can now be compared to the ocean: the size of the waves and the storms we must navigate through. Definitely not easy.
I pray you all grow in strength and peace. I keep you all in prayer. Many hugs.

Hello everyone.  I lost my beautiful Jaclyn on July 4th.  It was late at night and some kids set their band up under a highway overpass.  Jaclyn and her friend walked away and sat on the train tracks. It was 11:30pm, but an Amtrak was delayed several hours and came through late.  The police said the noise must have caused them not to hear it, plus it was in a NO-HORN zone... Dash camera from train showed that they never even flinched.  She was 9 days away from her 21st birthday.  We go to bereaved parents groups, and I read a lot, but like all of you understand, I think about her 99.9% of the time all day, every day.  I'm only 46, and the rest of my life is looking dark. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16, so I know I can't just curl up in a ball and die - but I MISS HER SO MUCH.  She was an amazing, kind and caring person, and I pray that there is life after this one on earth.

Thanks Dolly and Jill for your support.  It's nothing short of insanity.

I'm Rita and I like so many on this site have lost a child. An adult Son and my only Son. It happened July 5th, 2016. He was 38 days away from being 38 years old. Before this happened to me I couldn't imagine what it was like to lose a child and I didn't want to think about how much pain that would be and now I know and I wish I didn't. I have had a lot of hard days....I still have 2 adult Daughters. They miss him terribly. I can't talk about him without crying, I can't look at his picture without crying. Just thinking about him is painful...

He died in an auto accident on a rural road that he knew like the back of his hand. He had a defibrillator/pacemaker from a heart attack he suffered 2 years ago. We think he had a heart attack and caused the wreck. There was no skid marks of any kind, no attempt to stop or correct himself. He just put the pedal to the metal and hit the ditch (a very shallow ditch)and then a tree. Going at a very high rate of speed according to the Trooper. I guess he was after seeing his truck. I keep replaying when the Trooper came to my door in the early morning hours to tell me. I knew it was bad news....I just didn't expect it to be one of my children! I've been in shock ever since...I keep replaying that morning in my mind over and over and over...The pain is unbearable. There is nothing as painful as losing a Son or Daughter.........I wish I didn't know!!!

I live on a farm and I don't want to go out of the house. There are so many reminders of my Son, Jesse that it makes it hard...I don't want to go to town for fear I will see someone and they might ask me about the accident or how I'm doing.

Jesse was a welder by trade but he could do anything and I mean anything....He was very smart and talented, very creative. He could take junk and make something beautiful out of it.  I see all the things he fixed, created or worked on when I go outside and it is just too much for me to bear right now. This where he grew up and I see the little boy that was driving a tractor at 5 years old. Being a daredevil with his bike, building all the jumps and mud puddles to ride through. The swings in the barn, climbing the hay to get higher....so he could swing farther....The remnants of happier days and innocence gone.... when he was still a little boy eager to explore and experience everything.....  The grief is overwhelming!!

It's not the way it is suppose to go!!! I die first....not my children!!!

Dear Rita and Bruce

 I am so so very sorry for your losses. There are no words to express how devastated we are when we lose a child. I lost my only child in a sudden tragic car accident at age 17, 3 and a half years ago. The sudden loss sends you right into shock. I still also think about that night when the cops and coroner drove up to our house at 12:30pm. Daniel was supposed to be home long before and I couldn't find him anywhere. How I prayed he was in trouble and in that squad car. The horror of that night never leaves me. My faith that we will see each other again is what gets me through. I truly believe that spirit lives on and like to think he is doing amazing things w e cannot even imagine. Keep your heart open and look for signs that they are still with you. My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find some support and comfort here. We all understand and are here for you. Sending love and prayers.

Hugs to everyone (((  )))

Jill - I don't know - it's all I have at this point. I have lost my drive, motivation and almost my sanity! I'm gonna pray that I get through the day

Hugs Jill

it is hard to believe when your heart is ripped out.... but its the only hope there is... so I have decided I'd rather take the chance that God IS who He says He is and that His promises that we will be together again are TRUE... because the alternative is NO hope and i just can't bear that... but I have my moments and my days ... when I tell God how I don't get it and it hurts so much and how can this be His will for me and my loved ones... but then I realize I just have to trust.. because its my ONLY option that gives me any hope at all... that's how I see it at the moment anyway... who knows what I'll be thinking next week or next year... or tomorrow??

I am so sorry Bruce and Rita on the loss of your children. We are all here trying to cope with our devastating loss of a child.  Three years ago today, we had a memorial service for our daughter Kyra who died in a car accident in Montana. I still cry a little most days but the unrelenting pain does ease so we can go on living. In the beginning the shock and grief are 24/7 and its so hard to imagine you will still be alive in a year. Just be kind to yourselves and get through minute by minute. Love and hugs to all here 

It's hard to believe that my Son is really gone. I imagine his face all the time...I got the ME's report today and it just felt like it was happening all over again. As I read it I cried. I didn't see my Son before he was cremated, I couldn't look at my baby boy's lifeless body. My 2 Daughters wanted to see him one last time but I couldn't...After reading the report then I imagined all the damage that was done and could see it in my mind. I wished I hadn't read it!  

so sorry Rita... we did view our son before he was cremated but it was so obvious that our son wasn't really 'there' anymore... not that that helped... nothing helps at that point.. of maybe ever really... its just a horrible fact we have to live with.. people act like we should 'get over' it but they just have no clue... we will NEVER 'get over' it... just maybe learn how to put the pain in a place where it isn't always ALL we can feel anymore... grab on to the assurances we get from heaven.. the 'signs' or the 'feelings' that tell us that they still LIVE and will be with us again one day... without that hope I don't know how I could even get out of bed on any day of my life from that point on... hugs to you and your family... we know about your pain first hand and will NEVER downplay it or criticize whatever you say or must do to cope... been there done that pretty much I think...

I am so sorry Rita & Bruce about your loss,I am praying for you and all the members on this site since our strenght and hope reliase with God.

Rita and Bruce I am so sorry that you have to join us.  Sometimes I just don't know what to say.  Sept 14th will be 4 years that my Michael is gone.  I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I know from my own experience there are no perfect words to make this easier. 

The only thing I can tell you for sure is there are people here that will help you through this.  For me just hearing others experiencing the same thing made me feel okay. 

I've been going to The Compassionate Friends group and feel it has been good for me. Unfortunately they only meet once a month so I have located another chapter that I can go to, so my visits are every other week. The people that are there REALLY understand what it is like to lose a child. They truly are Compassionate Friends. I feel like the friends I had don't really understand. Their life goes on as normal and I can't go on with mine because it isn't normal anymore. I don't feel a connection to them anymore and with TCF there is a connection, an understanding that life isn't normal. They understand that it might be a while before it gets to something close to normal and it may never get there. I highly recommend The Compassionate Friends. Look online for a chapter near you. It can only help!

Things are bitter sweet.  Michael use to treat his cousin Georgie like he was his little brother.  All through life he would give Georgie these bear hugs.  Even after they grew up Michael would drop his tools in the middle of a job to give Georgie a bear hug, embarrassing him.

For the past 4 years my nephew has said much of nothing to me about Michael.  I knew losing Michael hurt him but his silence hurt me. 

Well just recently in August at my BBQ Georgie said something to me for the first time.  He told me that Michael leaving affected him harder than I think. He's getting married in November and told me he's not having a best man cause he's in heaven.  After that his fiancé told me they are going to name their first boy after Michael.  I was so happy and so sad at the same time. Knowing my nephew is suffering is hard.

This weekend there was a party for the couple since it's an away wedding and again Georgie opened up. He told me Michael leaving has taken life out of him.  He said, "Aunt Teresa you have no idea how much life Michael took out of me. I don't know if I'll ever be over it." 

Here I am trying to figure out how to handle his wedding emotionally and here he is the poor kid trying to figure out the same thing.  During his party I had this picture in my purse and will again at the wedding. 

Michael was about 15, we were at the Chesapeake Bay Bridge.

Teresa what an adorable picture/ I am glad your nephew was able to express his feelings to you. I think it really is more difficult for others , especially young men to express themselves. Daniel's best friends still come by and make facebook posts about how much he affected their lives. Once in a while one of them will text me and tell me how much he misses him. It really helps even though it is sad that he's passed and that others are suffering. It IS sad and will forever be. But to know he is so alive in others hearts takes me outside of myself for a moment and I can see what a beautiful gift he was to this whole world and everyone he touched. But I know....it just makes you miss them more...hugs

Teresa

 Maybe your nephew could have something of Michaels sewn inside his wedding suit jacket or maybe a piece of jewelry or something he could wear of Michaels' - might be a very healing gift for both of you

Sometimes I think the "silence" is because they are struggling.  I also think it is hard for some to face the grieving mom.

His friends never say much of anything to me but on facebook I see they have posts about Michael and they post pictures.  I leave it alone so they can have their own memories without the grieving mom.

I will be secretly praying the couple gets pregnant quickly and then I'll pray harder that it's a boy.  So one day I can tell him all about the cousin he was named after.

HUGS to EVERYONE!  THANK YOU!

I know Jill. How I long to just feel good again one day. To wake up and say it's such a beautiful day and feel full of gratitude and happy anticipation for the future. Just feel normal. For a moment. Just have my son back and have our lives back. Because as you all know, when they left so did part of us. I tried to go to the farmers market today. It is a gorgeous day. I feel guilty that the sight of happy families makes me feel sad and long for mine again.  I couldn't even make it through without feeling like I was going to burst out crying right there in the middle of all the happy people. It's just so hard all the time.

It's so hard every single day.  After 6 years I feel no better than the day it happened.  Like Connie, the sight of happy families makes me want to cry.  I can't foresee a day when I will wake up and look forward to the future.  I feel like I'm dead and my body hasn't gotten the message yet.  Even when I sleep my dreams are sad.  C.S. Lewis said regarding his wife's passing "Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything."  That is exactly how I feel.

I am the newsletter editor (actually do the whole thing) for out local TCF chapter. I used that C.S. Lewis quote in the last newsletter. So so painfully true.

I'm sure we all feel like the absence is spread over everything.  Our children are everywhere we look.  They are in our heads and in our hearts.  Caitlin has always been the biggest part of my life and this absence does not change that one bit.

Hugs to you all 

Here goes.  My 32 year old son lived with me.  I knew he was seeing a girl who was toxic.  One morning, before I went to work I discovered he had been taking pictures outside convinced that there were 3 cougars outside the door.  I should have realized he was freaking out, but he always could convince me of anything.  I went to work.  He sometimes disappeared for several days so I didn't think anything of it until I was awakened by the sheriff at 9:30.  He asked me if Ethan had a toxic waste tattoo on his arm.  I said yes.  He said Ethan had been found dead.  He was trapped inside a storage unit under  a bed in his girlfriend's trailer where he suffocated.  He had been under the bed for 3 days and his body was too decomposed for me to see.  After two months of investigation the case was finally closed with a conclusion of accidental death due to lethal overdose of methamphetamines.  I am a 64 year old single mother with another older son.  It just keeps getting worse from waiting to get his phone and wallet and detective's report to the everyday horror of it all.  I have to work so I do the best I can but I don't care much to work.  At home I just sit for hours unable to move or binge watch TV series on Amazon streaming.  I am a poet and have written some about this hell but I don't care much about my writing right now either.  Now I am convinced that I was too oblivious of Ethan's condition and should have intervened somehow.  I am inconsolable.  Dreams are bad. I just want to be left alone but go crazy with loneliness.

Judith, I'm so sorry you had to become a part of this sad club.  Your situation is heartbreaking.  Like Jill said, we truly understand all of the terrible emotions you are having.  I lost my 20 year old daughter in a motorcycle accident involving a drunk driver.  She is my only child.  Please don't blame yourself.  Don't go down that road.  This is not your fault.  I am also having bad dreams.  I really understand wanting to be alone and being lonely at the same time.  My daughter has been my whole life since the day she was born and that is still the case.  I know I will see her again and you will see your son again as well.  I send you a hug and my prayers for peace.