Dolly, Brandon is so handsome. 

Connie, I get your husband.

Jill I think your right it starts to fell harder and more painful.  For me I think it's feels that way because once I came out of the shock and the disbelief, which took me 3 years, I think facing the reality was even harder.  Now I have to face it and figure out how to live without my Michael.  I have no idea how to do that. 

I find it's been difficult to come to this site...even in March when Chris' 3rd anniversary came and went. And now another Mother's Day without my son. I stopped going to Compassionate Friends about a year ago. I just got so tired of death. You're all still in my thoughts, though. I know this is hard...

I know what you mean Michelle. I can't go to the meetings either. It just breaks my heart over and over and over. That's why I do the newsletter and that is difficult as well. Just like our grief...so goes our healing....in waves. I am glad to know you are all here if I need you and vice versa. It is nice to hear from you anytime. Hugs to all after THAT weekend!

I get where Jill is coming from. I am not made that way either. My husband went to a couple of group meetings at a local hospital for people who lost children and I could tell from his description that it wasn't for me. I went to his grief counselor a few times but I felt she was trying to get me "past" it. Well, I don't want to be past it. I would like to feel better than now so I didn't dread holidays so much and didn't feel so anxious in crowds of people. But getting "past" it to me feels like putting my daughter in the past. And she is as present tense to me as she ever was. We saw another grief counsellor together and that was a nightmare. I hated it. All he would do is the Griefshare Program (which is fine but I don't think most people who have lost an only child would be helped by it-just my opinion). I was suicidal and he had us filling out a freaking workbook. One on one with my pastor/counsellor friend was much better. We talked about MY child and how I would see her again. That was what I needed to hear. Now I just live to see her again. It's a sucky existence.

Last night my best friend who has been very supportive seems to have decided that she knows EVERYTHING about life and grief and how we should handle it. When talking about "survivor's guilt" she said "Daniel doesn't need healing. He is just perfect. He is perfect in his form." Although I understand what she was trying to say about his spirit ans that he was okay, I wanted to slap her face! Would her daughters be perfect if they were dead? I just said "it's hard to explain." and turned to another person at the table. She didn't say anything else about it because she knew what I meant. SHUT the F up! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS FEELS!!!I feel horrible now. I just wanted to leave right then but the evening had just started. It hurts so bad to have my friends seem so clueless and judgemental while you are struggling to make sense of the rubble of my life....

Connie, I will never understand why people insist on saying stupid s**t like that.  They have to know it's not helpful.  I too understand what she was going for but how could she think that was helpful?  I promise you if the tables were turned she would NOT find that comforting in the least.  Clueless is the perfect word to describe people.

Gabriels  21stb day on June 2 and 5 years gone on 5-26. The preparation and meditation and praying each year seem to go by the wayside every year as the dates approach. My sister and I are going on a trip during the hardest dates because when I am out of state the weight that feels so suffocating eases up.  When I am traveling I can BREATH. Gabes 2 dads will stay in town and work and I am grateful they understand. Every day is 1 day closer to seeing my LOLLY again. I am mentally and physically exhausted as I know all moms feel maybe forever

Lost one friend that I knew since the age of 1 and another that I knew since the age of 14 because they both thought they had this figured out for me and when I didn't go with their program one of them told me "ever since Michael died you think your royalty" ROYALTY was the word used.  If this is "royalty" I'd rather live as a pauper.

They have their sons, they can talk to them, hug them, listen to them, look at them and see their futures.  Me all I got is tears and memories.

Teresa, I can't believe someone would use those words to describe a bereaved mother.  I have no words.  Unbelievable.  I'm so sorry.

Teresa - royalty? really? Wow. Makes me cry. So sorry.

Toni - that is a beautiful photo and I will be thinking of you on these upcoming hard days. Daniel's would-have-been 21st birthday was this past March 31st. Something about that birthday that was extra hard. Were' we just supposed to get then to that age? Then watch them become the men and women we longed to see...

Good luck Jill <3

 I am dreading the upcoming Memorial Day weekend. I recently lost both my son and grandson. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Jeannette I wish I could offer advise but I spend every holiday just trying to survive it.  This weekend I will be with my sisters because they support me in this journey and because they let me cry when I want to.  They also let me repeat the same stories about Michael over and over.  As time moves on I miss him even more. 

Dear Sharnice and Jeanette I too am so sad to have to welcome you to this group. My heart goes out to you both. Just lean on us when you feel there is no one who understands or when you feel like you can't make it through another day. We do not have to walk this road alone <3

Hello, it's great to know others feel as i do. I've been through a lot in my life but nothing compares to losing someone you love. For me both the deaths of my son and grandson came expectedly and I'm just getting over the shock. My faith is what sustainshe me most, often a minute at a time.  it helps me to pray for others going through a loss even though we'll never meet. Know you will all be in my prayers.

One day I feel like I'm making progress and the next day I'm feel like I'm back to day one.  It's an emotional roller coaster that makes me feel exhausted.

I too miss my Michael so bad my insides hurt.  I just want to call him and tell him everything that has been going on.  I miss our conversations and his silly little giggle.  Most of all I miss hearing "love you mom".  Today will be a challenge but I know I will survive it because I have survived it this long.  HUGS TO ALL!

Today my son Christopher would have turned 48. He has been gone for almost 4 months and I still have trouble accepting he's truly gone. I know my life will never be the same.  I look forward to the time when I will see him again.  The hole in my heart will never heal. 

Nope that hole never heals or fills back up.  A part of me went with Michael.  I'm forever changed.  I have to learn to "manage it" because I know it will never heal.

Jeanette, HUGS!!! I know the day the came and the day they left are hard days.  HUGS and more HUGS!

I found this blog on Grief that I thought may benefit others. 

https://theothersideofcomplicatedgrief.com/2016/02/11/a-grievers-ri...

There is no one path that a griever should walk. There is not even a right path. There is only your path.

As a griever, you are already walking a path that you did not ask to be on. The death of your loved one washed away the life path you were walking with them, and thrust you onto this unwanted and lonely path of grief and loss. A path that initially appears to lead nowhere.

You are left trying to find a passage that will eventually lead you out of the darkness and back to a place where you can begin to repair the pieces of your heart and the fragments of your altered life.

A griever has the right to choose which direction will be the most healing for their heart, even if others around them don’t understand or agree with their choices.

Do not let anyone else block your path with their version of how your grief should look, how your faith in God should look, or how your beliefs should look.

Don’t let anyone stop you from walking your path.

This path is yours to choose, and yours to walk.

I read elsewhere a statement that also struck me:

Question: Does it ever get any easier? Or will it always be this hard?

Answer: The hardness just gets easier to bear. 

In some senses that is true, in some ways, maybe it is just a resignation to what is or one adapts to it out of no other options. Not to say there are not some days where I just mad, mad that this is my life and of course, my son's cruel fate...mad at the universe...it is out of that despair of realizing this is the rest of my life, Part 2...without my beautiful son here, with me, as it should be...not like it is..now...

Eva, I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. I agree that it would be easier to have cancer...after 3.5 years I have found I have to pretend...pretend it is better, but it is not. 

I have lost everything after my son, my marriage is crumbling, my husband has withdrew to his own world...my remaining children struggling with the fall out.

I have had  people write me that actually think some kind of "good" is going to come out of this...one of these individuals very kind, but naive, as she has 7 children, all alive...all come to her table, and her life and family intact.

There is no moving on, just pretending...and more pretending....

Sending love to all ...  Yes, I started this group -  I am so glad that many find comfort here.    I am sorry I do not come here very often the last several years... but, your all in my heart...  This journey we are on together is the absolute worstttttt -   I still struggle with every breathe I take...  (((hugs to you all))) 

For the past few days my heart has been crying for every single family affected by the Orlando tragedy.  I can't help but think about what it's like to get that call.  It has been putting me back to that moment.

Usually I don't talk politics but I really wish for the families TRUMP would shut his mouth and let them process this without him using it as a tool for himself.  

We all know when we're in those first few moments words can cut us deeper than any knife can. 

Eva September will be 4 years my Michael is gone and yet I still cry for him everyday. This is a long process one I'm not sure I will ever recover from.  I too have lost 2 life long friends over my grief.  They wanted to tell me what it should be like and when it should end. Now mind you they both have their sons. 

There came a point that I had to start accepting things will never be the same as they were and I will never be the same.  Part of me left with Michael. 

It took me 3 years to have what I called my "reality moment" when it hit me this is very real. No one could understand when I tried to tell them about that moment instead they looked at me like I was crazy.

I'm in a place now I don't care.  My kids were always priority and my Michael will continue to be my priority.  For now on those who can't support me the way I need it have to get out of my way. 

I have to do what I need to do to live with this.  Others might not understand the new me but again I don't care. 

I remember in the beginning others would say you will learn to "manage" it and you will learn to wear the "fake face".  In the beginning I couldn't wrap my brain around those thoughts but now I'm learning how to do both. But trust me it doesn't mean the pain has lessened, it just means I'm learning to hide it more.

I don't have no answers.....there's no book on how to do this. 

Teresa, August will be 6 years for me.  I also cry everyday.  My daughter is our only child and when a drunk driver took her life I was suicidal.  I still have those thoughts.  I can't seem to move past this point.  I have learned to put on my fake face so I think people think I am doing better than I am.  I'm fortunate that my 2 best friends have stuck with me and have never tried to tell me how to handle my grief.  But I am so different than I was before.  I hardly recognize myself as the same person.  People say "You are so strong."  If they only knew how fake I'm being.  

It'sbeen 4 months since I lost my son and 2 1/2 months since my grandson passed away.  These deaths occurred without warning and have left me with a somewhat broken mind to go along my broken heart. Just this week I started group grief counseling and no it is going to help. I am also going for one-on-one counseling. But my greatest source of comfort has been my faith. I know that I am getting through each day by the grace of God. My life will never be the same and I will  will never be the same  butt since I'm still here I am going to get whatever help I need to go on. Eventually I will have joy in my life though it will take some time.

Jeannette, I'm so sorry you lost so much in such a short time.

Patty thank you for sharing that because it lets me know I'm okay.

I wish everyone a moment of peace.

Saturday is my daughter's Birthday...the third one without her

Eva, your poem touched my heart. 

Hi all, haven't been online much. We actually took a beautiful trip to Puerta Vallarta for our 30th wedding anniversary with some dear friends from DC. It was good to be somewhere new.

Eva that is a beautiful poem. Tank you for sharing. I will be thinking of you and your daughter tomorrow. My son has been gone 3 and a half years. His 21st birthday was last March 31. I think of all the things we could have done when he became a legal adult. I yearn to have him be able to go off to the college he wanted to, as I see one of his best friends go there. He was going to do 2 years of community college then go to UC Santa Cruz. Why can't he have his life? Why can't I trade places and let him get to live? It never stops hurting.To say we miss them is such an understatement.

Lynn - I've been thinking of you a lot and hope you have a good trip this week. I will light a candle for Kyra next week.

Jeannette - my heart breaks for your losses. I am so sorry.

Patty - I now know that I will still be crying every day after 6 years. Forever I think. My heart goes out to you.

Hugs Teresa and to everyone. Good luck with the holiday weekend.All holidays make me sadder.

EVA I find myself lost in remembering .... thinking about how I feel like I'm someplace other than here on earth at those times... somehow a place where I can ALMOST see my son... almost ... that makes me think of what JEANETTE said too.. about one's mind breaking along with your heart... I think all of me is broken now.... but just this week God spared us from destruction one more time... and the tornado that was headed for our town... we have a house smack dab in the middle of it... touched down NORTH of here and did horrible damage there... it could have taken MY house and my other son.... but it didn't... so although my heart is always going to ache for my son who now lives with God, I am feeling blessed to have been spared another loss of such unbelievable magnitude.... at least for now.... my heart as always goes out to all the mothers in here who know exactly what I am talking about.... love you all....

for any of you that have Facebook accounts I am now posting on my husband's page... Charles Matthews... the profile picture at the moment is the dancing tree picture I attached here so you get the right Charles Matthews... I would love to share thoughts with some of you there if you have FB pages of your own...

sorry I can't get the image to come through rright side up for some reason..

Thank you, Connie.  I feel sadder during all holidays as well.  It doesn't matter which it is.  I associate all holidays with family time.  We are planning our first trip since Caitlin's accident.  We are hoping that being anywhere else will feel better than being here.  I am blessed that my husband and I have not drifted apart and still want to be together.  I live in terror of something happening to him.  I always wonder about what could have been.  Caitlin was just going to start her 3rd year in college.  She wanted to then go to graduate school.  She wanted marriage and children so much.  She worked at daycares for years.  She would have been a wonderful mom.  I not only desperately miss her but all that could have been.