Hugs Jill. Wish I could give you a real one. ((()))

Connie so sorry to hear about your arm.

Ladies I'm 3 & 1/2 years in and I'm exhausted too. 

I had no clue that this was this painful and hard.

A hard part is others not recognizing or accepting you changed. Me, I'm changed because I'm so broken. 

Lost 2 life long friend's along the way.  They thought I should be over it by now. 

I'm learning to wear that fake face but when I get home or in my car I have to take it off. 

Some days are harder than others. Sometimes my mind goes from okay to deeply depressed within seconds.  Tears are triggered by reminders everywhere.

I spent Easter home alone because I just couldn't sit around anyone's family. 

I did just recently hold an essay contest and gave away 3 hockey scholarships in Michael's name.  My ex-husband insisted on the 1st winner being a kid named Michael.  Wasn't really a fair process but I went along with it. Nobody but me and him knew. 

My nephew's wedding is 6 months away, I can't stop thinking about the wedding Michael will never have.  Have to be there but not sure how I' going to do it without being depressed. 

Okay well I'm rambling now.  My thoughts are still very scattered.

HUGS TO ALL!

I'd also like to crawl on that lap, I just want to be held while I have the biggest cry of my life.  I'm tired of everyone trying to stop my tears.  I WANT TO CRY DAMN IT! It helps release the pain.

Jill as u know I lost luv of my life "Ilir" honour student of York university, no one knows how hard it's except ourselves, u r right in every single angle, that hurts me so much when peoples comments us n they say everything will be fine:(( my question is how could be the same when I lost my future, the only precious son I was living in this world, how my life would be the same:(( I send you my love and hugs but this luv is from a desperate mother with a bowl of soup made of  tears /luv u Jill  <3

Teresa - I feel the same. You inspire me to keep doing this things in Daniel's memory.

Jill i am sorry the woman hurt you. That seems so weird that she didn't say it before. Who knows the reasons that could be associated with her loss. I think I would have told her that I need to talk about it because my son deserves to be remembered and spoken of and it's hurts worse NOT to mention him . This is our life now! . Don't let her make you feel bad just because you may feel differently than she does. And you're so right.  we have a need to be understood and comforted.

dealing with this stupid right arm being broken, taking the pain meds - it accentuates the grief. i have no job and i cant play guitar. and my son had 4 broken arms before he was diagnosed with crohns disease. he wasn't absorbing his minerals properly because of the crohn's. it made his bones weak. i just feel the pain and weariness he did. but he was brave. i am not. not anymore. i can't even focus on getting a job. i feel like i failed Daniel and myself. right now arguing with my husband because i just want him to understand that i am not functioning as well as he is and i am weepy and a pain in the ass i'm sure. we grieve differently but he still carries the same burden. altho, i feel there is a stronger connection between mother and child. physical connection and physical memories of birth. i will post an recent article on that soon. just having such a hard time. i can't stop thinking of the night he died - the coroner and cops coming to the door. the "I'm sorry he didn't make it...." I can't stop crying and it scares me. So so tired of feeling this way.

I love you all and thank you for listening to my venting

People not speaking her name.  It kills me.  Then if I do people are awkward.  I NEED to talk about my baby.  People forget that my baby, even at age 20 when she was taken, is as important as their baby.  I only have a couple of friends that are even close to getting it.  But they haven't lost a child so they don't really get it. They just do the best they can as friends.  I have had so many people act like they don't see me.  It's like I have become invisible.  Or my brother in law comparing the loss of his 90 something year old father to the loss of my child.  The difference is the difference of infinity.  Everything I do my mind is on my Caitlin.  I don't know how it is possible to still be alive after almost 6 years in this much pain.  I KNOW I will be with her again.  It's the only thing that keeps me alive.  But I miss her so much.  When she went she took the light with her.  I feel the pain all of you are in.  I know you understand.  All of you.  

Oh, and my brother in law said that as a Christian I shouldn't be grieving so much.  He said that if you have faith you shouldn't grieve so badly.  My sister (not his wife) told him to stop, that he was not be helpful and to never say that to a grieving person.  Luckily, this was not said in front of me or I would have completely lost it.  Also, he told me a couple of months after my daughter's accident that she wouldn't want me to be so upset.  Two months!  I'm just venting.  People can be so thoughtless.  Thanks for listening.

Jill, I agree.  Wholeness is not an option.  How can it be when half your heart and soul is gone.  I found it terribly upsetting when multiple people asked me right after my daughter's accident why we hadn't had more children.  Did they truly think more children would have been "spares" for us?  Why would anyone say such a thing?  And multiple people?  It seems like the height of insensitivity.

All so hurtful and it's such a tough path we all walk....

Hi to all my sister Mommas.  I almost wrote the other day, but decided not to as it was a really hard day for me and I usually just keep those days to myself and my God anymore.  I feel so much pain here that you all are expressing and I wish there was an answer, a solution, but sadly there isn't.  Maybe time helps some and others nothing does.  I feel time or something has helped me.  I now accept most of the time that this is now my life and I must do whatever I need to do to get through today.  Every day is a today and that is where I am.  I only have to get through today and I know that I am one day closer to being with my son.  

The season changes are still agonizing and bring so many memories and tears.  

Take care of yourselves and try to ignore the fortunate ones that are not living this life because in reality they really don't have a clue what it's all about and they say what they think they should not realizing that their words are not comforting.  I, myself, would just love to hear others say his name.  That is what I miss from others.  I really don't care anymore what else they say because they don't know.  They just don't know.

Connie, I hope you heal quickly and I'm sorry that having a broken arm has brought up sadness for you in remembering Daniel and his broken arm incidents.

Teresa, you go right ahead and cry.  You are right saying that it helps release the pain.  It does.  We all need to cry.  It isn't our weakness showing; it's our love.  

Blessings and hugs to each of you.  May you have gentler and kinder days. 

After Gabriel died almost every one went back to their happy lives and happy children and now 5 years as of May 26th they sometimes ask are you ok because you look sad today and I realize I let my i'm ok mask down. Time has helped me to be able to smile again and sometimes laugh but when I'm alone I feel the heavy weight in my chest and the sad thoughts that if God calls me home today then I will celebrate, I keep these thoughts to myself but the thought of seeing Lolly again makes me feel like I can breath a little easier. This cannot be my life or any moms life because it is a half life at best and some days it is no life with no future if you have lost you only child lost your heart.  

Toni - I feel the same. Nice to hear from yo. Jill - How is Derek doing in his new job?

I started walking my dog with my good hand (duh) and 2 days ago as we approached two other dogs I should have crossed the street but the guy said they are friendly - not so much. one started sort of snapping and lunging and I instinctively grabbed the leash with my right hand. Damn! Well guess it moved the bone and plate. May have to have another surgery. Going crazy..... Makes me feel ike i always make wrong chpices. I thought I had moved past a lot of my guilt surrounding Daniel's passing, but it just all came back. I know I was a good mom but I could have done so many things better and differently that may have changed events. I guess we all do that. It gets you nowhere I know. So tired of feeling bad about everything all the time...

When I told my friend I was living to see my daughter again he said he was afraid God was going to be angry because I wasted my life grieving.  I had no idea how to respond to this.  Would God not understand that I can't help how I feel? When an impaired driver took her life he took my whole future.  He took my daughter, any grandchildren I could have had, everything.  Connie, I agree about feeling bad about everything all the time. It's so exhausting. Toni, your remark about letting your mask down really hit me because that's my way of dealing with the outside world.  I have my mask on all the time.  I learned a long time ago that people didn't REALLY want to know how I was feeling when they asked.

Here's the article:

A Medium's Message of Hope:

 It’s become typical – yet still always surprising – to hear from souls during a session who were themselves bereaved parents on the earth, that not only was the struggle of their lifetime here necessary, but “worth it”. That’s a rather spectacular statement to make, considering how we already know how difficult the path of a bereaved parent is. Let’s face it – things have to be pretty darn good in the hereafter, for (formerly) bereaved parents to tell us here that every minute of the struggle here to continue after a devastating loss is not only worth the immense cost to us, but it was necessary to their spiritual growth and reward in their new world of joy.

The souls tell me that reunion with the children they longed so much to see again is breathtaking, and one of the most curious things they encounter is that with regard to appearances, not a second seemed to have passed since they last saw their children. It seems literally as if we pick up exactly where we left off, and that only once we are comfortable, we get to see the progression of the souls of our children almost exactly as it would have happened on the earth. It’s one of the joys the souls are most happy about – not having lost a minute of their child’s growth and maturity.

What is so encouraging about sessions like these, where bereaved parents “talk” to parents here, is that they don’t try to minimize the entire spiritual journey of a parent here by tossing out phrases like “it all gets better” or “you do get rewarded, so relax” – they take the journey both they and we have gone through with a seriousness that is unlike any other time in sessions. The experience of having lost a child on the earth and having struggled through the most difficult challenge of this lifetime (their words) has not at all been forgotten by the souls – but it has been forgiven, since they now see the arc of their lives, and the lives of their children, and how necessary it all was as a means to a magnificent end.

I can’t make you feel better when your heart is broken by just telling you that as a bereaved parent, it will get better one day –that is part of the spiritual lesson each of us will learn here. But I can remind you that when life seems at its most cruel and hopeless, parents just like you survived it. They not only survived, but they found everything they had lost, and much, much more. I hope the example of these brave souls and their incredible words can at least help us understand that there is Light ahead, and no matter how hard it is, we have to keep walking toward that Light, where everything we love and have lost is waiting for us in a world where no harm will ever come to our loved ones or us again. From your sisters and brothers who walked the same path as you, and came out the other side in joy, you know they can be trusted to tell you the truth. And it’s pretty spectacular.            

                                                               ~ Psychic Medium George Anderson

Patty, that was a terrible thing for that man to say. Sometimes I am amazed at the stupid things people will say to a bereaved parent. (just went through an incident myself)

Interesting message from George A.

Sometimes I think when I get over there, that it will be awhile before the suffering wears off...

Thank you, Jesse's mom.  A friend will excuse some people's behavior by saying "well, they don't know what to say, Patty." But really?  Can't people give it 2 seconds of thought and do any better than that?  I'm sick of feeling so alone all the time.  God, I miss her so much.  This gaping hole in me will never heal.

Jill, I know what you mean.  I wish that wave of grief would drown me.

Hugs Lynn (((  ))) Think of you often. Know you must be happy for spring to be here so you can get your hands dirty!

Connie, I know, right?  What a small God someone must believe in to think He couldn't or wouldn't understand the worst pain a mother could possibly be in.  Love that Einstein quote.  I am so dreading Mother's Day. For me it's the 3rd worst day of the year right after my daughter's birthday and the accident date.

Wow Lynn -I got chills reading about Genna's boyfriend. Oh my goodness they will be a great comfort to each other and I am hoping his mom and you will also. I do suffer from not having

a friend who had the same circumstances. Maybe I can start going to TCF meetings again. It was too hard for such a long time. So tired of the mask. OX Hugs to all.

I was one of those ignorant people making ignorant comments but never had a clue I was so ignorant until it was me and my child.

When my friend lost her son I thought I was such a good friend and I thought I was so supportive.

I called her quickly when it was me and all I could say to her was, "I'm so sorry for everything I thought I did and said, I thought I was helping."  She understood and told me get ready though because the same would happen to me and it did.

I remember days running to this room just so I could go off about comments made.  "Michael wouldn't want you to cry." "Your not over that yet?"  and you guys know the rest.

As hard as it is and as much as it upsets us you have to tell yourself they don't get it.  While they don't know how lucky they are not to get it, you just got to smile and walk away.

I went to a medium once but when she told me my Michael wasn't in heaven and having trouble crossing over that was it I couldn't absorb it.  I need to know God wouldn't allow my Michael to drift. I need to know he is in heaven with my father and his uncle. 

Wow Lynn, that is something.  I hope you and her click really well and become a life line to each other.

Connie I too just want to hear, "Love ya Mom."  I miss hearing his voice.  I wish I had a recording of it.  Michael never left me a message. If I missed his call he knew I would call back as soon as I seen his number.  DAMN!!!!

Trying to prepare myself for mother's day, going to do what I have been doing for the past 3 years and that's pulling out every card Michael gave me to display them. 

I'm struggling this month.  One day I feel like I'm making progress and the next I feel like I'm fooling myself.

All I want is peace in my heart and peace in my head.

LOVE YOU ALL!

hi Teresa

I too was one of those people. My husband s sister lost a daughter at age 2. She had an epileptic seizure (they didn't know she had epilepsy) and vomited then was suffocated by the vomit. They found her in the crib . I was so young and remember now asking Paula, my sister in law if she wanted me to come!! I've never remembered her daughter's birthday or angelversary all these years. And now I realize why she never really got close to me. I'm ashamed but trying to rectify that now. They have 3 other children and that was 30 years ago so their lives seemed to go on smoothly. Recently I met with my niece and she is dealimg withthe way they DIDn'T deal with Dianne's death. Now at age 35 she is letting her grief out. It's all so complicated and sad. But now i can help her and allow her a place to express the feelings her parents never wanted to deal with.

I wish you could find a medium that gives you a truer reading. That just doesn't sound right.Maybe the medium was the one having a hard time!

I have someone I could refer to you who could do it over the phone and I know a few others here have really legit great mediums. It does give me comfort. It's the only way I can maintain is to think "He's just in another room..."

Connie I appreciate the offer, I'm just not ready to do it again yet.  There was information she hit right on, but once she said that I was done.

This is such a hard journey.

its almost May again.... and its no better ...3 years... I've run out of things to say... everything I feel is being said over and over by you all... I have nobody to talk to about how I feel but you all.. my husband will talk sometimes but he has had so many health issues since this all started that he can't deal with the death all the time .. he tries but there's days when he just stares and doesn't say a word... about anything... my family never paid any attention to Brandon when he was alive so nothing new there... my oldest son and his family were good to my guys but only had contact a couple of times a year so I can't really relate to them about it either even though they do know about personal tragedy first hand.. maybe none of us can really share our own pain with each other... anyway for whatever reason I always feel alone... and I haven't had any more remarkable 'signs' like I did at first.. BUT I still do smell lilies many days when there are no lilies anywhere around.. it always feels like a hug and /or a kiss from Brandon ... I'm trying to keep really busy til may is over...

Dolly, for me it's been almost 6 years but it seems like yesterday.  I, like you, say the same things over and over.  My husband and I both have many health problems since my daughter's accident.  He doesn't like to talk about it and I don't want to force it.  I wouldn't want to be forced to talk about it so I guess it's not fair for me to try to force him. I have this terrible feeling of aloneness too.  It's pretty constant and it doesn't matter whether I'm actually alone or not.  I believe we can't really "share" our pain with others.  No matter how we describe it the pain is as different as the relationship is different from any other.  Each is unique.  All we can do is try to understand the best we can.  

three years today... still seems like a nightmare I just can't wake up from...

Love to you Dolly. Love the pic <3

this picture was taken by his school aide and I think its her in his glasses but I don't know for sure.. we spent some time up on the mountain playing music today and felt close to him... but its never better really... just shoved back down in there somewhere waiting to spil l out again suddenly when I'm not expecting it...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKZKBPEfCMc

thank you kind people... I think I'm permanently frozen inside now.. always fearful and withdrawn from everything and everyone ... maybe I'm trying to encapsulate my heart and mind from having to face this horror .. trying not to care so deeply for anyone anymore because the losing is more than I can take.. if I care... but I do care even when I try not to.. so it won't work... nothing works..

I understand how you feel Dolly. It's so hard to keep our hearts open. But But I think that's the best way to stay open to messages from them. So I will keep trying.

We had to go back to court to get an extension for the boy who caused the accident that killed my son. He was trying to get off before complying with the conditions. It helps a lot for the parents to be there and my dear husband went, wrote a powerful letter to the judge. And my son's friends saw a disgusting Facebook post he made threatening to run over these Harley Davidson (#*/>x and more expletives) and took a screen shot of it. We attached it to the letter. The judge was appalled that someone who had caused the death of someone else in his car would write what he did. He hasn't learned. How sad. And then he and his family lied again but got caught by the judge and I tell you it was like a tv Judge - she reamed him!!! He didn't walk out of the courtroom so smug after that! Justice was served. it's almost over - he has til May13th, Friday the 13th  to comply! But it's like when you win a war - you're the winner but you are left there with pain and death all over the battlefield.

God help us all.....

Love to you all - you are all courageous, caring people. Thank you for being here.

I know my son was in that court room, watching how much we love him and fight for him still. My husband said it was a chance to still act as a Dad on his behalf. Daniel was smiling I just know it....and saying"Yeah! to the judge.