these comments came from an online pastor.. or some of them... he told me I was wallowing in self pity and wanting to broadcast my grief all over the internet and that I was in danger of 'praying to the dead' by talking to my son.. I don't expect Brandon to talk back and I don't ask him to do favors for me in heaven or for him to ask God for anything on my behalf.. but nevertheless there are those who think just talking in your head to a love one who has passed on is a sin... and that wasn't even said to me about the 'signs' so much as just in reference to my sadness and heartache over losing my son.. I wasn't 'getting over' the past and 'moving on' fast enough to please the preacher I guess.. anyway it's not something that anyone should say to a grieving mother I don't think.. where is the compassion in that? How can you mourn with those who mourn like the Bible tells us to do if all we do is tell mourning people to get over it and move on and stop feeling sorry for themselves... that whole experience just happened with the preacher... right at a time when it was not only the time of year my son died, but mother's day was coming, and all sorts of other stresses were on this family... my husband's battle with prostate cancer, his surgery for goiters which we didn't know were benign until after the surgery.. a huge gas line trying to come right in front of our house in the woods and a huge reduction in funding ...to less than half what it is now.. the funding supports people like my son Bo who is totally physically disabled.. so they can stay in their own homes instead of in an institution.... then this preacher unloads on me ...

but I do believe that God is with us... and I do believe that Brandon is near to us always in some way... and I have to forgive the preacher but I'm not doing so well with that part yet... I'm still mad as spit at him..

I have yet to 'GET OVER' the death of my daughter.  And it's been a little over 5 years.  It's something I manage daily.  People have and will say things like that preatcher said,  thinking they are helping.  I just try not to think too hard or take them serious anymore. 

I am so sorry, RJ.  I always wished for some thing to ease the intensity and severity for me.  I had to keep myself so busy doing things just to try and keep from feeling anything, especially the pain and extreme sadness.

Its been two years and there are times when I least expect it I find myself just overwhelmed all over again... the preacher didn't sound like he was trying to help me.. he excused himself by saying he had the prophetic anointing so he said things like that are.... in my opinion he was just judging me and using his position as an excuse so I would be afraid to call him on it... preachers like that can do alot of damage..

I know you are all hurting so bad... nothing people say to us can make it worse than it is really.. but sometimes I guess I just have to strike out at something because I can't do anything to change what happened to Brandon now.... if ever I could have.. it always torments my mind to think maybe I could have done something.. but now I can't ever do anything for him again and at times its almost more than I can bear.. I have no energy or desire to do anything and when I ever finally do try to do something it always seems to fail ... so why bother.. but I know I will never have any happiness ever again if I can't somehow wade through this awful darkness... not that I will ever really be THROUGH it though.. that's what so many people don't get.. you don't get OVER it or THROUGH it... you just learn how not to show it I guess... most of the time... I'm so sorry you are all going through this too..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhP2ssoO4lQ

sorry about the ad in the beginning.. but isn't that puppy something special?

Ive been a real beeyoch all day...

Dolly

It's hard not to be!

I think the only thing that keeps us going is hoping that we will see our children again in heaven.  I believe that I will, even though I'm not very religious.

We are forever searching, forever sad...

My son's doggie had to be put down on Mother's Day morning after an epileptic seizure caused his lungs to fill with fluid. I took him to emergency hospital on saturday and they stabilized him but at 5:15 Sunday am they called and said he was coughing up blood profusely and we went down. What a horrible sight. I had to get on a plane for VA at 11am. He was my shadow since Daniel passed.When he was sleeping on his bed I always knew Daniel was there too. It's amazing how much my broken heart can shatter so much more. It was so hard to walk into the house last night when we got home. Damn it, damn it, damn it damn it.

My only consolation is the image of how happy they were when they were reunited. Oh my God, I feel like I must have done something REALLY bad in another life. After losing my sweet kitty Gully last month and now Axle is tough. They are such a great comfort to me. I still have my 2 kitties left but this house is sure quiet. Since Daniel was an only child, these pets are my kids now. So so sad....

I agree Rj, this is definitely more than we can handle! I lost my mother, father and son all within  13 months. Yes, more than I can handle.

Connie, So sorry about your loss. I know how attached we get to our pets.  They are a part of our family...

Anyone read any good books that were comforting? I read "growing up in heaven" by James VanPraagh that seemed to help a little. I so wish I knew that my son was okay and happy...

Reading all the posts and feel so helpless. Like Teresa said earlier that we read and want to say comforting things like how it will all be ok but we are unable to say it because time is just driving the point home  that the loss of form ( body) of our most beloved ones is a permanent one. Maybe the transience of all life is what we need to understand and since everyone on earth is not called upon to do so maybe somewhere God felt it fit to give us this to handle.

Connie oh how I understand what you are going through and Sharon imagine the sheer bewilderment of losing so many loved ones in such a short time.

Somehow nothing seems to be fine. everything is tinged with unease. Right now I have shifted from the home I shared with my son and the pain is intense and soon I will be back to MA on june 4th. That does not offer much consolation either because I have not found the empathy with my husband about losing my son so recently. He is not the father of my son and has never been a parent or husband. Often he is sarcastic and while earlier I may not have been very distressed right now I feel things sharply and guess am oversensitive to anything near criticism. Sometimes loving sometimes down right rude leaves me with unease as there is no predictability in him. Just feel very uneasy about any decision I have taken.

I share here because all my friends here can relate and while we have different experiences at different times we are walking a thorny path together.

My mother too who is quite old now seems to be very angry and erratic in her moods. My parents will soon shift this 27th and in many many ways Since I moved I feel a great relief at being alone. By evenings I feel so low and lonely though and have to really work at somehow being upbeat at least in front of others... just very tired trying to be nice to people who often do not deserve it. the other day I messaged a friend whom i had worked with and had not spoken to for a long time and somehow she felt that since I changed my life situation of not being completely alone and had got married that I am enjoying myself which anyway if I do too what is anyones problem. I just got a cryptic message saying, ' enjoy yourself' !!! 

Well the complaints are endless.. just love and hugs to all here 

VASANTHI..we will be in MA in late june or early July .. please let's get together if we can... I want to give you a real hug!.... I'm so sorry you don't have someone who you can cry with and talk about your son with face to face.. if it wasn't for this room on this site I think I would just be pounding my head against the wall in some institution ... nowhere else do I dare say what I think and feel after this horrible loss... and I know what you mean about not knowing how to reassure the new people here that things will be better... they change somewhat... but better?  I'll be better when I see my son again...

Dolly would LOVE to meet you and get together... come and be with me for some days if you can. You have my number and when you are in MA will msg you the address or after I get back on June 4th... yeah pounding my head seems the right thing to do... crying my heart out is not helping .

Sandy,

I am so sorry that your precious Randy is not here on his birthday. I cannot imagine how horrible this day is for you...I haven't made it that far yet on my journey.  I live close by you in Torrance. I would love to meet up with you sometime for coffee. It would be nice to talk and cry...

sharon

Happy Birthday in heaven Randy <3

I wonder if they celebrate birthdays in heaven... celebrating anything seems impossible since my son died... but we do try for the sake of the rest of us.. I keep hoping one day it will get easier...I used to send birthday cakes to my friends' loved ones wh had died...after Brandon died.. I stopped for awhile but would like to send one to Randy today.. hope its OK...

this month sucks!

I just posted this on the facebook page of my daughter's mother in law. I should feel sorry, but I don't. I just wish I had posted it at the beginning of their "visit"

 Dear Nancy,

Did you know there are a number of life altering events that are considered the most stressful a person can go through? One is a pregnancy, another is moving (especially when you don't know where you and your family will live) and another is the death of a loved one. Sadly, Lindsay experience all three in a matter of weeks. She is also under a year sober and making every effort to build a healthy and sane life without alcohol.

It's hard for me to express just how shocked, angry, and disappointed I am with your behavior. When someone you profess to care about flat out tells you more than once that this is NOT a good time for a visit...you should be pay attention. It is not only thoughtless but cruel to put your wishes above the needs my daughter. How dare you.

Think about how YOU would feel if someone had planned a vacation to visit you....and then one of your children died. I'll say it again...if one of your children DIED. They decide they are still going to come, even though you asked them not to, even though you have no desire to entertain, even though what they want to do is not what you need to do. Even though you need to be in nature and you want to stay in hotels. Even though you need to take care of your health, the health of your unborn child, your sobriety, and your sanity. Even though you need time to cry and grieve the loss of your only sister, they decide to come for a visit anyway. What thoughtful and caring guests.

I raised my daughters to honor and value family.  She didn't say don't come at all, just don't come right now. Lindsay loves her husband and chose to not push the issue when you decided to put YOUR wants above her needs. She will likely be angry with me for even telling you this. I don't care.

Would YOU sit by and say nothing to the person who is being a bully to your only surviving child? I think not. You owe my daughter more than a heartfelt apology. You should beg her forgiveness for putting your desires above her needs.

Metta - life is too short. It's good you said what you felt. Unfortunately those who have not experienced this loss cannot grasp the depth of it. I hope your letter will enlighten her and she will understand better how your daughter is feeling. Hugs.

Damnit. I just had a car accident where I was at a stop sign and turned right onto a busy road. Ther is a gas station right at the corner with a big old bush there. When I turned, a lady was stopped trying to enter the gas station as there was another car in front of her. I couldn't see her car behind the bush and i rear ended her. It was not that big of a deal because everyone WAS OKAY. But the impact through me into a tailspin about my son's accident. Why couldn't HE have been okay. The other 2 boys were fine. Oh God. And as I am cleaning out my car to be towed, they delivered my sweet Daniel's doggie, Axle who had to be out down on Mother's Day. I just feel so alone right now. This world is so hard to be in some days.

sounds like a lovely day all way around....