Shortly after my son passed I updated my Living Will and medical directives in case should happen to me. I also bought life insurance and keep it current for the sake of my other two kids. I too have avoided the doctor...an event like this changes one from the core...

I get these also RJ. reading helps me alot.

Hello everyone

I don't post very often, but I read the wall everyday.

There are many of us who have the same side effects due to the loss of our child. I thought I was the only one. I stopped all unnecessary meds, I stopped going to doctor, I stopped going to any medical persons. I had a heart attack about 13 years ago, I've stopped seeing him also. My affairs are in order, everyone is looked after. My funeral is arranged, it is very simple and private. I don't want anyone looking at me. I will die, be cremated and my ashes will be buried with my daughter's ashes. One stop funeral.

It may sound odd, but it is who I have become since Danielle left. She has been gone 2 years, 5 months today.

I avoid going out in public as much as possible, I like to be alone.

I continue to have the "attacks", the ones that bring you to your knees. They are horrible, I lay on the bathroom vanity so my tears can drop in sink, my eyes are too sore to use tissue, I gag and convulse until it's over. I have these on a daily basis, sometimes more than once. I have no joy in my life. Danielle was my joy.

As depressing as all this is, I'm still here. Not my choice, but it is my reality.

Sometimes I just need someone to hear me, and my pain, without telling them. They should just know.

I found a very special friend here, she has kept me going. We email almost daily.

My life is in turmoil, my husband wants a normal life again and I can't give it to him.

So I came here to pour my heart out.

Thank you for letting me.

I always think of all of you and how you get through this.

My heart is with you. 

Jane, you are not alone... today its two years since Brandon died... I miss him all the time... feel broken inside... feel isolated from a world that just goes merrily along as if nothing has destroyed me and doesn't care if something has destroyed me.. tells me to keep it to myself and stop feeling sorry for myself.. so I like you avoid all contact with anyone I don't absolutely have to see or hear or talk to... I don't answer the phone unless its my oldest son... I don't go anywhere but up into the mountain where nobody else but me and my husband goes... I too have my affairs in order.. no viewing.. no funeral.. cremation... dump my ashes wherever... don't care.. I try to stay healthy enough to outlive my disabled son but after that I will be ready to leave this awful world... I am grateful for those I have here on earth .. but they are too busy with their own lives to miss me and my leaving won't change anything for anyone except my son and husband... I wish I had more hope and joy ... but every time I think I have found a way to function someone comes along and tells me I have once again made a mistake and what I feel is valid is NOT valid and to shut up... so I just go hide again...

Hugs to you Jane. We lost our children about the same time. I too thought I would somehow better by now. No we just learn how to get through the days. I am sorry you are hurting so much. I am sorry for us all. I am stuggling also and worry about my apathy. I feel unable to be the wife my husband deserves. We are both in so much pain and deal with it differently. I just don;t have the energy anymore...I miss you more than words can ever express my Daniel...

Dolly my heart is with you today and I know Brandon is too. Hugs

Rj, how's the shortness of breath? Better?

I know, counselor told me that sometimes its get worse as time goes by because we realize that they are not coming back... I miss my son so much. I still wake up every day and feel like I'm waking up from a nightmare.

Jane, I'm so sorry about your sweet Danielle.  I feel the same way. I used to be afraid of death, but now I welcome it.  I just want to see my son again and be free of this awful pain and suffering that is our new "normal".  I know that I have to stay around for my other children and husband, but I am not afraid.

Jill, that is such a hurtful thing that your daughter in law is doing!  I can't believe that she is still doing such horrid things! I am so sorry.

Jill I'm so sorry for you.. do you think the local paper would be taking pictures of the event? Maybe someone at the paper would help you get pictures.. I don't know why people tear into grieving mothers... they seem to though.. its as if they can sense our defenselessness... we have nothing left to stand up for ourselves with.. we just have to take it... maybe they think we deserve it.. I don't know.. but its not right you can't have some memories of you own son... he was your son long before he was anything to that wife of his.. and no matter what he will always be your son... she may find another husband but you will never have son until you go to him one day... doesn't she have a heart?  I am going to pray for God to bless her.. that strangely works sometimes.. I've done it with people I just would rather clobber with a bat.. but I can't do that ... and my friend said to me that I should try blessing them instead because it somehow made it so things would or could change... some other trick up God's sleeve I guess... but the times I tried it seemed to bring good results....

Lord please send help to Jill and her family.. please help her son and his tutor strike up a harmony that will let her son understand and profit from this person's help.. please secure his job so he can let go of the fear of losing it.. but mostly Lord please send Jill some reassurance that her dream does not mean her son is mad at her or hates her.. let her know in her heart that her son is safe with You and is waiting for her in happy anticipation that one day they will be reunited.. root out all thoughts from Jill that lead her down into the depths of depression... lift her up from her bed of sorrows and give her the confidence that You have her son and she doesn't need to worry about him anymore.. and give her the confidence to live her life that is left to her with some happiness and hope.. in Your name I pray amen

Jill I also had a dream of my son last night. It was  a crazy dream and it is so hard to remember them and I know the feeling well of trying so hard to and to understand them , of wanting to go back to sleep and figure it all out. I don't believe your son is mad at you at all. You are dealing with all kinds of emotions and one is regret that you couldn't help your son when he was here. You are mad at yourself. As hard as it is right now, try to replace those thoughts of times when you were helping him , when there was nothing but good things between you. Like Dolly says in her sweet prayer, he is okay and loves you and that is all that is real. The love between you two - the eternal cord - remains forever and I believe that is what he feels for you and wants for you - just as that is what you want for him. Peace to you all today

Last night I first dreamed my husband and I were sinking in a big pit of some sort of slag and just barelly managed to escape, and then we were supposed to be getting ready for his friend's wedding and I was worried because we still weren't dressed for it and I called to see where my  husband was and was told he had taken off with an old girlfriend to visit somebody I never heard of before... so I sure hope these dreams are just my poor brain trying to deal with the fears I have in real life and not some premonition or something.. my dreams are always so weird lately....

I know MY dreams reflect my troubled mind... things I've always feared and things more immediate... like the possibility of the huge gas line going right along our border in the mountain.. they are supposedly filling the huge pit around the line with coal slag.. so there's the part about the slag I guess.. and my husband's friend was a high school friend and his sister always had a crush on my husband... along with about a million other girls... so that's the second part I guess... sure does mess up your sleep though.. I wake up cranky and exhausted from those stupid things...

and you are OURS Jill... you are so important to us... we are a family brought together by shared pain... hugs

Jane, I too do not like to go out in public much and avoid this...I have had those kind of attacks you mention too...I take Lorazepam for this reason. 

I am going to be giving up my church home as well. Shortly after my son passed, some well-intentioned but very naive people there decided to invite a recently parolled murderer as some kind of redemption thing...he had murdered a 16 year old kid and now, slightly over 10 years, is out. I know the victim's family is majorly messed up. And where does this creep land, straight into my local congregation. I think the main supporters of this stupid venture are dropping big bucks into the offering or something. At any rate, I can't stand to see the man parade around in our church knowing full well, that the victim's family still suffers immensely. And these people are so out of touch with reality that they cannot figure it out. I recently resigned from my ministry position and I guess will have to eventually turn in my membership. What a strange turn of events that those who helped us are aligning themselves with this murderer, Gary Thiede. I just can't be around this situation given ours.

How cool Jill... I know Josh is smiling ... I'm so glad you found a way to be included in this... obviously his friends love him too... wonderful tribute .. again I'm so glad you all celebrated him ... he has been honored and I'm sure all heaven is celebrating with him... we may think the things in our lives that bring us joy are small and insignificant to God.. but I think, like the Good Parent that God is, all our little desires and wants and joys and sorrows mean so much to Him... because He loves us.... no matter what..

That's great about the award for Josh's car Jill! It's looks like a very cool car.  I'm sure he was there and enjoying it!

Rj, I'm the opposite. I am soooo tired, but I can't sleep. I feel "restless" all of the time. Like I'm searching for something that I cannot fine.  How is your breathing? better? I'm sorry that you are having a bad day. I felt crummy all day yesterday.

Hey everybody, Sharon I agree with you, I am so tired and I can't sleep and I feel restless and anxious all the time, I hate it. This week is very hard with Mothers Day coming up, last mothers day was the last time I did anything with Randy.

Jill that is a cool car and that is so great about the club.  I read your post the other day but haven't been able to comment.  It hurts me to know how mean and awful your daughter in law is, I cant  imagine how she can be so hurtful and mean to you, I'm so very sorry. She is a horrible person.

Peace and strength to us all today. x0

I hate mother's day

my mom has been gone a long time...  my son died right before mother's day in 2013 .. I do have other kids, and they do make an attempt, but part of me is gone forever... its not coming back because he isn't coming back.. I do love my other kids so much... and they are all blessings to me... but I still hate mother's day...

Dolly,

I agree, Mother's day sucks. My mother died a year ago, my father died a month ago, and my son 3 months ago. Just thinking about Sunday is giving me anxiety. I remember last year my son Troy brought me the most beautiful flowers.  I guess those memories will have to last me a lifetime.  Memories are all we have left.

Jill - no doubt when you drive that car, Joshie will be right beside you! I was asked to play the djembe drum in my ashrama choir last week because our regular percussionist wasn't there. Now I'm no percussionist but I can keep a beat so I said I would give it a try. My Daniel was a drummer. I swear that when i played that drum, it was him playing it through me. I felt like we had a date. I played really well and everyone said "Well now that we know you can play drums...." Wow guys, I've never played a drum that good.  It felt like my fingers were not my own. They were moving almost like I was shaking. I am so grateful I feel his spirit with me in times like that and it still blows my mind. Thank you my sweet boy for that visit. As you all know it is impossible to say how much I miss him. I will be traveling on Mother's Day and sent my mom a gift. Hopefully, I won't notice the day too much.  But I am thankful that I still have my mom. She is 85 and she sent me a gift in honor of Daniel - a donation to a group that provides support to families with children who have chronic illness. I'm so touched that she makes the effort to always remember him and my feelings.

Sending much Love to everyone here and hope and pray we all have the strength to get through another difficult day.

another Thursday...