hugss... its difficult and have been reading all that you all say and echo every sentiment.. just xoxoxoxo to u all

Every day is Mother's and Father's day. For without them there would be no children. I've decided to let it roll. I can't stop it, I can't change it, but I can change how I handle it. I was out moving the tractor and saw a dead duck. I wondered if his mother was grieving. We are not alone. I have no answers for any of it, but I have faith that one day it will all be stopped, and we will all be together. I will not allow myself to quit now. I have come to far, and have suffered far too much pain to give up. I have learned things I never wanted to know. I have done things I hope to never have to do again. I am strong, and I am wise. I refuse to let death take away my love, and my faith. I will fight until I take my last breath. This is what I expect from my family, and this is what they expect from me. I will not let them down! Today I am taking a stand.  I wish for all Peace, Love, and contentment.

I want to be able to stand with you Anne.

It just doesn't feel right to say, "Happy Mother's Day" knowing most of us won't be happy at all.  I still want to acknowledge all the mom's in the room for the outstanding job you have done as a mother.

They will always be our kids, we will always be their moms, and we will always love them. 

It's ok Teresa. I have a lot more time under my belt, and sometimes I just need to remind myself of what I have already surpassed, and of what my family has been through. This was just my way of letting myself know I have to keep on keepin on. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I wonder how much longer I can take it. When I look back at these posts it helps me muster up a little hope. I hope all of your day tomorrow is peaceful.

         "MOTHERHOOD: ALL LOVE BEGINS AND ENDS THERE."

So true Ammy... HUGS and PEACE to all today!

You are all the true meaning of a MOM!

A heavy heart, a terrible missing, tears, life is just not ok and will never be because the essence of joy has been robbed. I feel like a huge failure just trying to live...but I must.

Life is not ok for any of us, but we do our best for all of the Moms that will come after us. So sad that there will be more grieving parents, but reality doesn't change because we want it to. If we can find just one thing to make us smile today it's a victory if only for a brief moment. I will do my best to feel the love of my sons from Heaven. Much love, and many hugs to all of you today, and every day.

First mother's day without a phone call or a hand made card from Kyra. I spent the whole day in my garden,weeding and I planted a clematis. The best therapy for me is digging in the dirt and getting dirty. Now I know why both my daughters became farmer's. I always feel her presence by the tree she gave me for mother's day 4 years ago before she moved to Montana. I pruned it in late winter and was so worried I would kill it.  Today green buds were forming on each branch with new growth and I felt so relieved. Thinking of everyone in our group and the children we love and miss terribly.  I haven't spoken to anyone today but my husband. I needed to be alone today. May we all find some bit of peace today and hold on tight to our memories.   

Thank you Teresa the letter is beautiful.

Teresa god bless you.....Beautiful letter 

I am so glad this stupid weekend is over! What started out as a wonderful time turned into Hell but only for me. Keep your mouth shut mom. Don't talk about the boys mom. Forget you had 4 kids Mom. How does one enjoy life if I have to watch everything I say? I'm sick and tired of all these messed up rules that are forced upon me. I can't take it anymore! I sure needed to get these words out!

I understand Anne. It is amazing to me how people can just act like they were never here. I will never be shushed when I talk about my sweet boy, even when I feel the uncomfortableness. If I have to deal with it, surely they can too

That's the trouble my own family won't deal with it or allow me to deal with it. When I get the dirty looks it breaks my heart.

Peace, and Love to you Toni.

Toni - So sorry it was so hard for you. I find so much comfort in my animals. My son's dog always slept on his bed. Now he usually sleeps on mine. But when I see him on Daniel's bed, it makes me feel like his spirit is here. They miss them too...

I pretty much cried my way through Mother's Day.  I avoided the phone because I didn't want to ruin anyone's day. My one friend kept calling so in the evening I finally answered.  I thought I was ok but burst into tears as soon as I heard her voice. I told her how sorry I was but how difficult the day was.  She told me to go ahead cry and so I did.  I don't think she realized how much I appreciated her allowing me to do that.

Toni my ex-husband has Michael's dog and I think all the time he must wonder where he is and why he is not coming home.  I know his dog misses him badly. 

MICHAEL MOMMY LOVES YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Anne, I totally agree with your words....and I am glad the weekend of Mother's Day is over...it seems like my life has become one of avoiding emotional landmines...there is a part of me that would like to paint a closet black and then live in it for the rest of my time...I am so emotionally exhausted from just trying to cope with so many triggers...

You ladies are so right.  Adrianne I too want my life back.  And I think a lot about if Michael was scared.  Did he know what was happening?  Did he feel any pain? Was the phone in his hand because he was calling me back or because it happened when we hung up?  Why didn't I hear something in his voice? It's torture.  I tell myself if he can face death so can I.  Everyday to me is a day closer to Michael.  Sad way to live.  But who is really living.  It's more like Dolly said we are pretending.

LR emotional landminds is exactly what it is like.  You never know what is going to hit you and how hard it's going to hit. 

Going into Walmart I saw this kid that I thought was Michael.  Stopped me dead in my tracks and then I stood and stared.  I had to tell myself it's not him get moving.  Then I ran down an empty isle and cried.

This being my second Mother's Day I thought I was prepared.  I woke up crying with my fiancé telling me how I cried all night and kept him awake all night. I didn't know.  I thought this one would be easier but it was actually harder.  Is it because I'm starting to face reality?

But if I'm facing reality then why do I look for him when I know I won't find him?

Teresa - I think I have been in shock for at least the first year . Now the reality gets more and more intense. These last few months  seem even harder because like you all say, just when you think you are dealing okay, you are not. I have to take one day at a time to get through my responsibilities. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I don't recognize the person looking back. I wonder how I have survived even this long

Teresa, I did the same thing this past weekend...saw someone that looked like my son...it was not good...

Hang in there Dolly. I think we all find the strength to get through those tough days but need to have the release on the other end. I feel like collapsing and crying, don't really want to do anything w/o my son. I'm right there with you. Keeping it together through Daniel's b-day, mother's day, Chicago trip was hard. And I just finished singing with my group, the Sisters of Swing at a senior village and now have a concert Sat night plus rehearsals and it is a battle to keep going (even though it's what I love to do). It is really hard to keep it together all the time!!!!!!! Play your music Dolly even though I know you may not feel like it. It'll lift you up and I know Brandon will be there listening...

It is so hard to go through this grief and have it not affect your marriage. My husband has to have a project all the time too. I just have decided that it is his way of dealing and I deal differently.  For me it is hard to comfort him and vice versa, because we are both are in so much grief. But on the other hand, he is the only one who knew and loved my son the way I did and I know he will ultimately understand if I cry all day. So I just let go of expectations and do my own thing too. I understand that it just sucks to have a fight and have to deal with that negative energy on top of everything else.

From Connie,"For me it is hard to comfort him and vice versa, because we are both are in so much grief"

This is so true...my husband and I are like two drowning people at times...

Mothers Day had no greater effect on me...It was another day without Devan. Maybe it is due to the fact she hasn't been gone long enough for there to be "good" days. They are all the same...intensely agonizing. I just want it all to go away...the pain, the tears, the hole in the heart I physically feel...I wish I could go away... 

I am not "enduring" pain.... I am subject to it. It is not "strengthening" me...it is draining me...

What I am today is unrecognizable....disfunctional...selfish...bitter...

....devastatingly heartbroken....

Connie in all this sadness you made me smile with the story about the video.  You don't understand a word but I bet that's your favorite video. 

Eva, I look at your posts and it makes me think of where I was.  Progress is slow and painful, but you will progress.

I know it feels like your insides are just being eaten up by grief.

I don't have any words of wisdom I just want you to know we are all here to support you and we all know just how much this HURTS!

My fiancé has been outstanding with supporting me.

I didn't speak to Michael's dad outside of a court room since they were little.  Now I not only speak to him but we lean on each other. Funny how life takes turns.  My ex has been humbled by the situation and has turned into a totally different person.  My daughter hasn't spoken to him since she was 13 (her own choice) now they are rebuilding their relationship and he is trying as hard as he can to keep the relationship. 

Connie I would love to see one of your concerts.  Dolly I agree with Connie....turn that radio up!  Dance with Brandon. 

And Dolly even though your husband takes care of Bo, Bo needs you too.  Your job as a mom is not done.

LOVE YOU ALL!

I'm going to try to give you access to a wonderful song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nE1lMoLsY3M

It worked! See below....Matthew West's song, "Save a Place for Me." I think it will touch you. Worth the time.

Thanks Michele and all of you for being here.

Michelle thank you for sharing the video, it is exactly how I feel right now.  PEACE to ALL!

Michelle, I love that song.  I have it saved in my little collection of songs that (for me) relate to this life I now live.  That we all live.

Eva, allow yourself to grieve.  Two months is almost like the day she left.  Sadly, you must feel this until you can go no further and then one day it will be a gentler day, and then another gentler day will come along as you adjust.  No easy way around it.  Just go through it and allow yourself to feel and express your sadness.  

As always, you all are in my thoughts and prayers daily.

The wound of the death of a child never heals all the way. It scabs over, but never really heals. At least that's how I feel about it. I have plenty of good days. I also never have a day when I don't think about my sons. Some thoughts are happy, and some are not. Sometimes the scab get's pulled off by a nasty comment, a nightmare, or a dirty look from my daughter, but I do my best to regroup, and begin again. I have worked very hard to learn to pick my battles, what I can handle, and what I can't. There's just no easy way to deal with this. So all anyone can do is do their best, one day at a time. I don't cry very much anymore because I'm pretty sure I'm close to being all cried out. But when I do cry I allow myself to do so. I try to avoid music that hurts my heart, and I walk away from those who say, or do things to hurt me. I don't always do the right thing, and I make many mistakes, but I also try to forgive myself when I mess things up. There are lots of times I would like to give up, but my faith always brings me back, and my love for my family gives me reason to live. I miss my boys everyday, but I also can feel them in my heart. I believe feeling them is a gift that comes with time. I post on this site with the hope that I may give maybe a little strength, and hope to someone else, and to help myself survive by sharing my feelings, experience, and love. I need all of you. You all teach me things that only you can teach me. I consider you all a friend, and a confidante. I wouldn't mind going through this alone if it meant that no one else had to suffer this kind of tragedy, but since no one can control who lives, and who dies, I am so very grateful I have a place to go where there's no judgement, and where comfort and wisdom is abundant. You all may not feel helpful or wise, but the truth is YOU ARE. You are all very beautiful, and incredibly special people, and I am so grateful to know you. I know this is a long post, but I have to speak what I'm thinking, and feeling because I believe that the unspoken words are the saddest of all. May the happy thoughts of all your children fill your hearts with love.

Thank you Anne for continuing to share...I know  this pain will be lifelong..and I thank you for your honesty and bravery and being realistic in how the journey really continues...

I get so tired of the "just be strong" message or "put on a face" so others won't be uncomfortable...sometimes I wish people could "live" my life for one month...they would not be so flip and would gain a little wisdom...

Anne, you give such hope to me.

One thing about this group is everyone keeps "it real".  Others will tell you time will heal wounds but the parents ahead of us will tell you no that's not so.  You will learn to manage it but the scar will always be there as Anne stated.  Right now I need the scab to grow.

When you can not handle a day like today, just sleep. I just could not stay woke. I could not interact or pretend anymore. Everyday I pretend all day long around others. When I get home, I just cried and put myself in bed. I know if I wake tomorrow, It will be another day to suffer and deal with missing my son all over again.

Project sounds like a fine idea ... i started painting. My loving husband keeps encouraging every time i paint and i try and keep busy ....yet you all know only too well how it feels.. attaching one painting for you all here..

one more as the earlier one seems so 'dark'..xoxoxox to all here 

Love your paintings.  I see the light beyond the darkness.

Merry, I wish I had an answer for you.  Each person is dealing with their own feelings in their own way.  It painful and exhausting to face it.  My mother kept her silence for 20 months because she felt if she had done something different it would not have happened.  Yesterday my sister said she regretted an little argument with Michael over a tasty cake.  Me I asked myself over and over why didn't I hear something in his voice. Some members in your family might be carrying around these little guilts and regrets and it's hard for them to talk about them.

To me the tasty cake argument is stupid and would not change anything but my sister can't stop thinking about it and regretting it.

The paintings are beautiful. What a wonderful way to express yourself. I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn't shine every day. Somedays are not as bright as others, and some days are down right dark. How do we handle it? Well I handle it one day, and one step at a time. There's just no sugar coating anything about this kind of grief. I don't believe this is a test or a punishment. It's Life. I'm not sure what it all means, but I know it's not meaningless. This is life, and there's always going to be tough times. There's just no getting around it. I have learned to be a fighter. It's my way of surviving. I try to work hard at looking for the light because I need it, and I want it. I don't always get it, but when I do I bask in it.  It's all about trial and error. I feel I have nothing to loose by taking a chance. I have already been through the worst a mom can go through twice. I know a lot of people don't like the whole time thing, but from my experience time has been my saving grace. Time, and faith. The two things that only I can  give to myself. Please be patient with yourselves. This kind of grief is like a full time job. Move two steps forward, fall three steps back. That's just how it works. I do know however it can be done. Maybe not every day, but a person does get to a place where there are more good days than bad. I also have learned on this journey that most folks don't really care much one way or another how we deal with this loss. They can't feel our pain. They don't know our struggle, and most are too afraid to get involved, so we are on our own. I feel that if I don't take care of myself no one else will. When I'm feeling bad no one else really cares. I'm ok with that, and I understand it. That's why I do my best, because it only matters to me, and I do believe it matters to my sons in Heaven. Peace, and Love to all.

It fels so nice , really to be told that the paintings are liked.. I painted one of rainbow over troubled waters and that was my way of seeing how high up above there is a rainbow holding us up to look for the bright colours and love.. Anne, Michelle, Dolly, Teresa, Connie and all who I have not named but who are so much in my heart, I think anne has put it beautifully, the struggle, the damn pain of irrevocable loss and somehow holding on to the fact that this can't be all, it simply cannot be so awful and our children will certainly be in enchanted realms and I would love to feel that every moment they are happy and are helping us cos one day we will meet again and we will be happy. here;'s the rainbow,,,, till then we will focus on making the troubled waters a serene lovely place inside our hearts... just hugsss to you all, my brave brave friends..