Congratulations Vasanthi, I wish you only the best. As does your son. Know he is with you.

I'm sorry Merry - I understand exactly how you feel - almost 16 months for me. It is amazing to me how people think they know more than God. What a ridiculous thing to say. God is love and that's just what you gave to Gary - all of your love. Maybe that person should remember this Bible verse:

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant..."

Oh Dolly, how beautiful.. yes the wedding is on Sunday the 13th.. all of you will be in my heart.

Vasanthi, Congratulations to you and the mister!  Have a beautiful day!

Dennis I just have no clue what your trying to share.  But if I remember correctly you haven't lost a child and so I think not to offend any of us maybe you should choose another room to go to.  Because just like before we are not relating to your messages and that is because our experiences are not the same.  I don't mean to offend you but I also don't want to see my supporters become offended. 

Merry, that comment is ridiculous.  Sorry you had to hear it.  I just think people don't realize how their comments hurt.  We get mad but then have to remind ourselves they have NO CLUE and we wouldn't want them to go through what we have been through to get it.

Sending hugs to all.  Today is a beautiful day here on the east coast.  I'm going to try and enjoy it without feeling guilty.  Every time I find myself enjoying something or smiling the tears begin to roll. It's like I feel guilty for enjoying it without Michael. 

So sorry for your pain Dolly - I am holding you close in my heart. He is still with you but I know that doesn't help the physical loneliness. What a beautiful smile!

thank you Connie... it helps to have you to talk to... because YOU know what I mean ... sadly... wish we DIDN'T know

I use to run a youth group for troubled teens.  Some of the kids, now adults, have stayed connected to me.  One of them lost a baby during birth and reached out to me immediately.  She is pregnant again and right now my car is full of baby stuff. My daughter says I need to stop treating everybodies baby as if it is mine.  I say who am I hurting. 

She realized not only do I buy gifts for every bodies kids but I am doing it on the street and in the stores too.  As soon as I see a little boy I want to buy him something.  She says I need to stop and again I say who am I hurting. 

Didn't even realize I was doing it.

Teresa D - giving to others is never a bad thing. Always follow your heart. You are obviously a very giving person and have helped and touched many hearts. I believe that by helping and giving others it helps to heal us all. Even your daughter - she just doesn't realize it yet. You go girl!

She had her baby last night so I'm on my way today to go see her new little one. 

Vasanthi, Again CONGRATULATIONS! 

I went this weekend and helped my daughter dress up her balcony.  It was nice spending the day with her. 

Every year about this time knowing I love to garden Michael would call me and tell me "Go get your flowers Mom".  For Mother's Day he would allow me to get all the flowers and plants I wanted from the garden center. Buying flowers has become so hard. 

Congratulations Vasanthi. I would love to see your pics as well. ((( )))

DSCF4047.JPG I am a single mother of 2 boys who are 18 months a part and very close. We are a close family and have always done everything together just the 3 of us.

I lost my 17 year old son, Tyler Lane Budro, on March 10,2013 to an unknown illness. He was 17 years old and a junior at Hull Daisetta High School. He was sent home from school sick on Tuesday February 19 and went to the doctor that day. They did a mono test and gave him antibiotics. The next day he wasn't any better so he was taken to the doctor again. He received an antibiotic shot and more medicine. On the next day, Thursday, he felt better and ate really good. Friday, February 22, his girlfriend came to check on him and she left him at 1:45 and my dad came home at 4 and found him on the floor. He had been having seizures and was not responsive. He was taken to the ER in Beaumont, TX and was transferred to Pediatric ICU at Memorial Herman hospital in Houston. They were not able to stop him from having seizures and he was put into a medical induced coma to slow down brain activity. Most of his skull was removed to allow room for his brain to swell. They ran test after test to try and find out what was wrong with him, but the only thing he ever tested positive for was mono. After 16 days in ICU we lost him on March 10, 2013, the day before his brothers 16th birthday. It took 10 months before the autopsy was completed and another month to get the report, but they still didn't find anything.

Dear Janie I am so so sorry for your loss. Your son is a very handsome young man. I also lost my son at age 17 on Dec 1, 2012.

It must have been a very difficult year for you and your family awaiting the autopsy report and then to still have no answers. I hope you can find some support and comfort here.

Tomorrow ... April 17.... My Niles  WOULD BE TURNING 18..... trying to erase the date in my brain... no one should have to say would have been on our child's birthday...... Memorial Day weekend will be 5 years....   

My daughter passed away March 17th 2014 in a single car accident...she was 24...married with 3 beautiful little girls. I don't want her to be gone. I got to tell her everyday I loved her...I was blessed with a beautiful, caring, wonderful child. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact she is gone. I keep expecting a phone call, a text, her voice announcing herself in my home. 

Eva, it's always so sad to see a new parent on this site. It means that someone else is feeling the worst pain there is: the loss of a precious child. I hope you find the friendship, comfort, and consolation here, as we all know what that experience is like. There are some kind, compassionate people here to support you. "Welcome" seems trite, but I'll say it anyway: welcome.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NILES!!!!!

Eva, Michelle is right it is always so difficult to welcome someone new to the group.  It seems crazy to say "welcome" under these circumstances, however, WELCOME. I hope you can find the comfort and support that I have been able to receive from others. 

Janie I am so sorry.  Forgive me for not acknowledging you.  It breaks my heart every time someone new comes into the group.  If I could take away everyone's pain I would.  

Michael has been gone for 19 months yet I feel like I've been crying forever.   

Thinking of uo and Niles today Grace. My Daniel's B-day was just 2 weeks ago and it set me in a downward spiral that I'm just trying to get out of. For a mom, the memory of the birth of her child is part of every cell in your being. As is the death... But his spirit lives on and will be with you.

Eva Van I am so sorry to have to welcome you also. My son also died in a car accident and the sudden loss is so hard to believe. and as painful as it is, You are not alone. we do understand how crushing the grief is. Are your grandchildren close by?

My grandchildren are 5 hours away. I Skype with them once or twice a week. Today marks the first month since her loss. I am finding it difficult to find someone who will listen to me so I can let the burden of saddness and pain escape the bottle inside. As grief is personal others do not wish to hear the negative emotions and pain I am currently smothered in. It is building up great anxiety. I am glad others can move on and be positive...but for me, my view is warped by anguish and the cliches hold no value, for in my heart the definitions have changed. Hope is a concept people hold to and I no longer believe in. Now I just wait for the next trauma, the next tragedy and ask myself if I truly am strong enough to endure more pain..because if this makes me stronger...what is the strength for ? The next blow...? That is the thought which truly terrifies me. I have survived much in my life and I am now at an age where they are piling up and this hope of better, happier days no longer feels attainable. I am broken...like a prisoner of war in a concentration camp who can only endure so long before the mind rebels from the torture.  

I just do not want emotions anymore...If I am not allowed to "go to a better place, with no more pain or suffering and be happy"...I'm pretty sure my last option is a labotomy

I am coherent enough to know that my words will tend to scare people, they at times frighten me...I am only giving them release so they do not fester anymore within where they can do more damage. Yes, there are days I give them weight in my darkest moments but I stumble around and manage to find pinpoints of light. When you say my grandaughters need me, I know how much they "need" their mother. I know how much I "need" my daughter. I feel cheated. If they can live without their mother...it translates into my brain that they can live without me as well. Who is to say I cannot go in a car accident tomorrow...basically the line means I cannot make the decision, only the power that is. I find that very unfair.

And it is very unfair. And they may have to live without you - you're right we never know. That's one of the hardest and most valuable lessons we come away with - time is precious. But I believe your daughters spirit lives on and she needs you now to help be there for her children. I'm sorry for all the pain you are going through. I know that some days you feel like you just can't do this for the rest of your life. So it helps to take it one day at a time, sometimes, one minute at a time and keep talking here no matter what you are feeling. We have all been in that dark abyss where it feels like there is no hope. But there is because we are here for each other.

Eva, there is a FB page for Compassionate Friends for bereaved parents...you do not have to have an account to view the page:

https://www.facebook.com/TCFUSA

I know this war I am waging is internal...this struggle to redefine my life without a treasured part of my heart. I called her from birth my "heavenly" Devan Lee. I can't help but wonder if I didn't feel that she was my angel on earth he might not have wanted her back so soon...

Dear Eva, You came to the right place. I think I can say for all of us that we know your pain. You just go right ahead and let it out. That's what we're here for. I don't think there's anything you can say that I myself haven't already said. We are here for you. I have buried 2 of my children at separate times, so sadly to say that experience of this journey is in abundance here. I'm sorry you have to be a part of this club that has been forced upon you. I just want you to know that God did not do this to you, and he did not take your precious child away from you. However I have found it very helpful to yell, and scream at God. He has big shoulders, and knows our pain. I'm pretty sure if someone was going to be struck down for blaming, and screaming at God, it would've been me. I still find myself yelling at him on occasion. So go ahead and let it out! There's no time limit, and no instruction manual for this kind of grief. Every time a new person comes to this site I wish I could hold them in my arms. However I am holding you in my heart. This journey really sucks. Just know that here every thought and feeling you have is understandable. We do not judge. We support. Many hugs to you today. 

My miserable head hurts so much today. I want someone to come over and stomp on it.

So in spite of me trying to ignore the pain.... Niles Birthday was today.... I posted earlier that he would have been 18... I was wrong...He would have been 19!  How could I miss a year?!  I posted his picture on facebook... was frustrated because there are so many snap shots of him in my mind but I have trouble finding them on the computer to post.   My daughter found my favorite Birthday photo and posted it... and his Heart recipient also posted a photo....  then I posted Jin Croce song  Photographs and Memories  Youtube song....  Photographs and Memories.... these are all I have  to remember you.... there will be no more birthday pictures.... picnic pictures.... only the pictures I have...no more new ones..... and I cherish all of the photographs and memories.... and I cry in spite of my trying to hold it together after 5 years.....  Thank You all who have said your birthday greetings.... I have had friends that have called...my daughter, and my husband.... but none of my siblings....  sad....Some people don't think it is important to remember he was here and existed?   But even though I cry,,,, I cherish those photographs and memories.....

I'm sorry for being selfish it is 19 months this week and I'm having a little bit of a difficult week. 

I hope everyone can find some peace this weekend. 

Teresa

There's not a selfish bone in your body.

I'm right behind you, 17 months.

And it's not getting any easier.

Be kind to yourself, do something nice for yourself,

Something Michael would like to see you do.

xxoo

Praying for everyone of you today.

I ask God to give us some peace on this blessed weekend.

We miss our children. So much.

I am so lost and empty without my child.

I go through the motions of life.

But I'm not living.

I am having such a hard time with the loss of my son. He would be a senior this year and I should be getting him ready for his graduation. It is not fair and I will never understand why our babies get taken from us so young. My son was in the hospital in ICU for 16 days before we lost him. They ran so many test on him, but the only thing he ever tested positive for was mono. It attacked his brain and caused him to start having seizures. They were not able to stop the seizures or stop his brain from swelling. They said his was only the 3rd case in the US of mono doing this. Why? It will never make sense to me.

I appreciate everyone's comments and support in letting me rant like a spoiled child who doesn't get to have things their way. As I read the heartache in each post from parents longing for their children, I can't help but face the fact that this is real. My soul weeps. Not only for my loss but for all of you.

Why in my heart cannot I not be happy she was mine? I got to treasure her for 24 years. I got to be there for her wedding and the births of all three of my beautiful granddaughters. Why must my heart dwell in the suffering and misery of loss? Love is supposed to be a blessing...I hurt for her husband...I hurt for her children...  

Living with someone who is an addict or alcoholic is very difficult on the whole family. I'm sorry you and your son had to go through that and I  know he is at peace now. Hopefully you can build positive loving memories with his children and take the time to tell them the wonderful positive things about their dad to replace some of bad memories that can help them and you heal as well.

I hope everyone has a sunny peaceful Easter. (((  )))

Next week Friday will be another court date for the person who ran over my son. (He was ran over in his own lane while going to a doctor's appt.) We got the letter from the Crime Victim Unit informing us of the date yesterday. It has been a little over 18 months for us since this nightmare began. The various court dates will continue until this August.

Because the love between the parent and their child is so great, so is the pain of the loss of that child. You don't get over this, but somehow we find a way to live with it. I too still hurt, and as time goes by I'm realizing more, and more that it doesn't matter if it's a holiday or not. When it hurts it hurts. I fight to survive because of my daughters and the ones who love me. I fight because my family has been through too much without me causing them more harm. There are plenty of days I wish I could give up, but then I feel the boys in my heart telling me to survive. Giving up is way to easy, but to continue on the journey is hard work. It's ok to give up for a day or two. It's ok to take a couple of days off from walking in these shoes. I know I will see my sons again because the Bible tells me so. I've been doing a lot of Bible study because that's the only place I can find the comfort and hope I need to follow through with my journey. I believe in the word of the Lord because when I hit on a scripture that rings my bell, I can feel it in my heart. It took me a long time to get with God because I'd been abandoned by my own clergy. Church has left a really bad taste in my mouth, but studying the word of God has brought me some much needed light and I don't have to kick out any money! My relationship with God is one thing that not even satan can take from me. Sounding a bit crazy, maybe but my heart has never lied to me before so I will follow it to the end of my days. I can't stop the mental anguish or the awful physical pain, but at least I can trust my heart to lead me on. Like all of you I have to fight every day to survive. I still field stupid questions and remarks, and I don't care what anyone says, I feel in my heart that I will one day hold my boys in my arms. There's no proof that I won't. May Peace, and Love be with all of you!

Dear Davi, here's hoping that tomorrow brings you some peace. When I think about it, everyday I'm still breathing is a first. Things never get easier they just get different. Sometimes it feels like a rock trying to roll up hill.