Connie's words hit the nail on the head, for me.

We have been raised to believe each day we have is "precious", which it is.

But you're so right when you ask "how can we do this with such heavy hearts?"

Perhaps the phrase is not meant for bereaved parents.

Thank you everyone for your support. It really means so much.

Lynn hope your tulips and daffys come up !!

Teresa, yes was wonderful to connect. Connie you and Daniel are especially in my thoughts and prayers . Love to all here , lets just get through with life...xoxoxo

Thank you Lynn

My thoughts and prayers are with each of you every day and night.

Today I'm especially thinking of you Connie, and your son Daniel as you have your Drum Roll.  I hope it will bring you some happiness along with the ache of not having Daniel there physically.

The physical absence is what hurts the most but we will always have them with us.  They are embedded into us and nothing will ever remove them.

Blessings to all.

My Internet has been giving us some trouble and we still haven't been able to figure it out so I have not been on as much but you all are never far from my thoughts.

We all talk about finding peace with our grief but I have found that the only peace I have is when I seek it.  I must find my own way to have it.  I believe it's possible for all of us.  We just need to find what will work.  It's an individual thing.  It's not an everlasting peace, but it does give my life some breaks from the sorrow I have.  

The time that has passed may also be a factor with achieving this.  I don't know.  I do know that getting through the first 2 years were harder.  I am coming to a close on my 3rd year, and there were still some deep valleys I fell into. Less than before so just keep moving forward; step by step.  I feel I am learning how to live all over again and it's a slow progress, but it is progressing.  There is no miracle healing in grief.  It will never be completely gone but I believe we can make it through.

Hope I made some sense.

PEACE  for all of us on here.... it will be 5 Years May 27,2014...Niles left in 2009.... life seems to be on the time table  "BEFORE" Niles Died to "After" Niles died.   But it has developed into a new  "Normal" most days.  I still have waves of snotty Nose Cry sessions... and times where it seems like it just happened.... I have experienced some close friends at young ages having strokes...or passing away.... makes me again realize how random life and death are.  We never REALLY  GET OVER IT when losing a child.... but we do find another chapter in our book of life.

Peeking in to see how everyone is.  Love & Hugs to all!

Thank you Dolly. I love the cake with music and stars. You're the best. Our Drum Circle we had yesterday in celebration of Daniel's life was just amazing and awesome. I have to say I had fun for the first time since he left. thank you Gerald. C. Rivers for sharing your gifts! Daniel's spirit was felt by everyone there. Happy birthday in heaven my sweet angel boy.

lovely lovely .. Dolly u r simply so sweet,,, Connie feel at peace reading what u wrote..love to all

Connie, it's awesome that the Drum Circle went so well and that you were actually happy! Daniel's birthday and he gifts you! We KNOW he had an awesome birthday. Dolly, beautiful birthday cake.

Davi, thinking of you and praying for better days.

Connie, I am so happy for you that you were able to find a moment of happiness and that it was focused around Daniel. 

Seeing his picture.....Daniel looks so handsome and happy.   

I forgave the friend that told me it was time to get over it, but she is now trying to compare her break-up with her boyfriend to my loss of my son.  I can only hold my breathe for so long.  I told her she was selfish and ignorant and hung up with no intention of ever calling her again. 

You want people to understand what you are experiencing but the only way for that to happen is for them to walk in your shoes and I wouldn't want to wish that on anyone. 

A break up of a boyfriend like REALLY! 

What an inappropriate comparison Teresa.. I'm sorry you had to hear that ..people are mad!!!

Teresa, I'm sorry that your friend can't see the reality of your loss.  We would never want them to have to experience it, but that truly is the only way for some people to understand.  Brush the dust off and leave it behind.  We understand.

I hope you will enjoy the sunshine and warmth today.  

Blessings to you and all here.

Connie, I am blessed that you had a good day with Daniel's friends.  I hope the memory of it will always give you a smile.

Yes , a VERY inappropriate comparison. You need support from people in your life not them diminishing your pain.  I'm sorry you have to lose a friend as well.

I know exactly how you feel Teresa. My mother and sister compared the loss of my sisters dog to the loss of my boys. I know that any kind of loss of life is painful, but to compare the loss of a child to a dog or boyfriend is absurd. I chalk it up to ignorance.

Dolly we will never forget Brandon.  They are just afraid to upset you.

Anne, I remember you sharing that.  It's just frustrating how people expect you to just move forward like nothing.  These are our babies. No matter what age, they are our babies. 

Dolly, I understand.  I feel the same way, no one talks about our son except his daughter will talk to me about him.  I think she is forgetting him and wants to be reminded of what he was like.  Sometimes she will ask to look at pictures or watch movies.  

But after I read your comment I thought how I hardly ever bring up my son to my husband or daughter because I don't want to upset them.  Wow, that was an eye opener for me.  And yet I want them to talk about him.  Maybe we all walk on eggshells.  I don't know.  Everything about this seems to becoming more confusing to me.

How is Bo doing?  Do your other son or daughter talk about Brandon with you?  

Blessings of peace & love to all.

First day it really feels like spring here. Just thinking about Kyra not being with us to enjoy it. I hope it is a beautiful day wherever she and all our children are. I hope they can see us and feel how much we still love them. This first year is something else.  Some days I could fall asleep in a chair around 4:00. Thank you all for helping me know I will get through this somehow. Hugs to all.  

It's rare that I talk about my boys, especially to my daughters. They tell me not too. There's very few people I talk too about them. I think it's because people are of the mind set that unless it's happened to them they don't want to deal with it. I'm learning to understand it, but I'm sad that people are so narrow minded about the death of a child. I think it might be fear. People who were my friend before are no longer. I have been told that I am a jinx, and that others are afraid that it will happen to them if they are a friend to me. Totally ignorant, but this is my reality. Before I experienced the death of a child myself, when I would hear about this subject my heart would hurt for them, and I thought it was only right that I treated that person with love and understanding. After Lil Del died I learned that I was probably the only one who felt that way, and that others are not as sympathetic. Sad too say that everything I thought was right turned out to be not true when it came to my reality. I believed I killed my own child because that's how I was treated afterwards. It took years for me to understand that it wasn't my fault. I've read many books about grief, but I haven't come across anything that helps people on the outside of death learn what is helpful, and what is not helpful to grieving parents. Fear is a powerful emotion, and can cause great pain for those of us whose reality is the loss of a child. That's part of the reason I have turned to God for help and comfort. Atleast here we can share our stories, and emotions without fear of being hurt. May Peace, Love, and understanding be with all of you.

I love the book "Tear Soup". It deals with the very individual ways in which people deal with grief and is really insightful. It makes you understand with beautiful illustrations as well, that each person's grief, in fact, each grief is one's own journey. It points put, kindly, the potholes we and others stumble into when dealing with our grief. I gave it to all of my best friends because I didn't know how to say it and it helped them to understand if just a little. But my Mom, who is also grieving the loss of her grandson (I have to remember that) also just sort of blows it off when I start talking about Daniel by saying "I know I know" in a loving way. BUT she doesn't know. I realize she has lost her Mom and Dad and husband and certainly understands loss. But, she can't know this pain that we endure. She just can't. It is maddening when people compare other types of loss to this. One  thing is for sure though - we can understand, we will understand their loss. If there is anything to be learned through this, it is to use our pain to love a little more because we understand the depth of human tragedy. Even if it makes people uncomfortable, I refuse to not mention my son if I think of something in normal conversation. Whenever I am i that position, I do hesitate, but then feel like I have every right to talk about my son. Yes it's weird and uncomfortable especially if I have to tell someone new that my son has passed. But if I try to avoid questions about if I have kids, etc. I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. I just don't really care if others have to deal with the reality of life for a second. Teresa to your friend who dared compare a break up with the loss of your son, she needs a good swift kick in the butt. I am assuming that she doesn't have kids?

Adrianne, my husband gets quiet too but he listens and is the only one who knew my son the way I did. Everyone deals with it differently. Although I wished he opened up more, it seems like my husband prefers to suffer silently and I have to respect that. That's why I need all of you so much!!!! And a good counselor or therapist.

I hate getting farther away from the day Daniel left because I don't want to forget anything. My longing to to hold him and hear that laugh just gets stronger and stronger. The hurt just gets more intense while others believe it must be getting better because more time as gone by.

Sending love to everyone today.

Wishing everyone here some peace today.

Connie my mom is the same way.  Michael was her first grandson, I know she loves him but won't allow me to say a word, which is frustrating to me.  I need the comfort of my mom and haven't been able to get it.

Connie, that friend has one son and I know she would never be able to handle something happening to him.  She called again and apologized again.  I just don't know how many apologies I can take. 

Adrianne, I kept finding hearts.  That was your son letting you know he was there.  I too miss my conversations with Michael.  There's times I want to call him and have to work pass the urge.

Today is the first beautiful day in a long time.  I invited some old friends to come over so I can try to smile.  Hopefully I can do it without guilt.  The other day I found myself laughing at the radio and when I realized it I cried.

I wish everyone well and some peace as well.

So yes I still miss my Niles.... almost 5 years later.... and yes I understand not wanting the time to pass and the fear of forgetting each detail of life... I also have had a realization that life is short and I do find myself saying do it today because tomorrow is not certain... I lost a friend and have several other people I know who are closer to the end with cancers.... I find myself MAKING the time for visits and less time for cleaning my house.  

I read the comments about being comfortable talking about your child... I do and I try not to use the Euphemism words... such as passed away or other words... I say DIED... because I want the others to feel the rawness of what it is.....Painful..... sometimes we try to make the painful more palatable for others.... but maybe if we communicate the pain and that we can say the word DIED... they can see that they can talk to us and know that we are very broken but can handle the truth of our situation?      We are still alive and living with the pain of death .....

Tomorrow is the dreaded day: we have to go to the cemetery, almost 200 miles away, for the dedication of my son's headstone. At least this time I was able to get a priest to participate in the service, unlike at the funeral. I know it will be painful seeing my son's name on that tombstone, will make it more a reality since I never saw him dead.

We are all with you Michelle....

Thinking of you Michele and sending lots of love and prayers for you and your family. <3

Michelle, love to you, you are in my prayers.. Now my parents are here as I am getting married on the 13th. Its a new life with a good, kind man and its a happy time, yet 
Micks presence is sorely missed, I so so want him, he would have been happy and content with this step I am taking..love u micku, not a moment goes by where you are not in my heart.

Good for you Vasanthi.  It is so nice to see someone is having happiness back in their life.  Mick will be there with you every step of the way.  CONGRATULATIONS! 

Michelle, thinking of you.

I was looking forward to my friends coming but things took a bad turn.  One called to say her daughter was in a bad accident and they weren't sure she was going to make it.  (she woke up) And then the other called and said her son got locked up the night before.  Both of these situations were caused by alcohol.   

Vasanthi - congratulations. I know it's been hard on you making all the plans but now is your time. I'm sure you are missing Micks even more but he will be there making everything beautiful for your day.

Sending everyone prayers and love

Teresa- I am so glad your friend apologized. Sometimes anyone can make an insensitive and thoughtless remark. At least she understands that was inappropriate and cares enough about you to try to make it right. Forgive and you both will have a deeper friendship because of it and hopefully she can be a better support for you in the future.

My heart is just breaking. Although the Drum Circle was wonderful, it has made me so aware that it is final in this world. It is hard not to give into this huge weight in my chest, just to be depressed, curl up in bed and wait til I see him again. But I know that is not what he would want and I'm afraid it won't get me to where he is anyway. God - this is such a heavy load to carry.

Connie Michael's tournament warmed my heart but your right at the same time it was one of those moments I realized how real this all is and that Michael is gone from this earth. 

Everything is such a process now.  Getting to realizing this is so very real has been a process and not one I've completed.  There are some mornings I wake up and think "Oh yea another day to get through without Michael." and some mornings its, "No No No this is not happening" 

Nothing we do or don't do is going to change anything.  Does that thought keep me from having daily break down moments?  Nope! 

This is a heavy load or as Dolly would say like a ton of concrete on your back.  It's such a long journey.

I'm still trying to figure out how to live Michael's life for him. 

I'm still trying to figure out how to answer questions about my kids.

I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with insensitive comments.

I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with the silence of a few, like my mother.

I'm still trying not to cry everyday.

I have none of this and more figured out and some days it hurts my head.  But one thing I do know is I have no choice but to take this journey for whatever reason. 

I want to smile again and it not hurt.  I want to laugh again without crying inside.  I want to be real again instead of wearing this damn mask all day everyday and I just pray everyday that God will help me reach there. 

Connie, it's ok go ahead and exhale. 

Grace, thank you for your instant message. I wasn't by the computer when it came. The dedication is behind me now, but I feel like it's the first days all over again. My entire body aches and the sadness is intensified. I guess I'm coming to the realization that this will never really be better.

Prayers to all and thanks to all who were thinking of me on Sunday.

I understand that feeling Michele H. The sadness does become intensified when we put all our energy into their memory and honor them. I think because they are close  and there with us. But there is definitely the physical part that seems to have memories in every cell of your body.

Right now it has become harder for me because as my arm heals and I now have no employment except the occasional singing gig, I am so lost without my son. We were a team. So it is hard for me to get myself together, get a job, and start a new chapter in my life????!!!! It is hard to care about any future right now. But I will always honor and celebrate my beautiful, sweet boy. And I pray that I receive the guidance I need.

By Theresa, "Everything is such a process now. Getting to realizing this is so very real has been a process and not one I've completed. There are some mornings I wake up and think 'Oh yea another day to get through without Michael.' and some mornings its, "No No No this is not happening"

Theresa, this is exactly where I am at...it is every morning for me...it is just exhausting this new reality...and I hate it, every minute of it...

Vasanthi - thinking of you this week as your wedding approaches. Sending you lots of love and prayers. I hope you have a wonderful weekend as difficult as it will be without Micks. <3

Lynn, thank you. It's been challenging, to say the least. The memorial headstone is beautiful, if such could be said about such a structure.

Vasanthi, congratulations and a world full of happiness as you embark on this new journey. I'm sure Micks would be happy for you and will be with you on your special day. Please post wedding photos.

Lynn - sending (((   )))

Just checking in to say I love you all and u r always in my heart.. Connie, Michelle, thank you so much for your love and prayers, My parents are here for the wedding and we had always been together with Micks a big part of it.. now my mother and me look at each other sometimes and sometimes talk like he is there about things he would have loved or the food he used to enjoy and such small anecdotes and yet at other times we can barely hold the tears back..my sweet sweet son, whatever I do he is with me. I come and read the posts and these days till Sunday will be busy so just to let you all know that you are in my heart. Michelle will send the pics <3