I don't believe for a second that God takes our children as punishment for sin. As a matter of fact, I don't believe God had anything to do with the deaths of my children. However I do know that faith, and trust in God is why I am still here. I tried to live without both, and I lived in darkness for a long time. The guilt consumed me like the flames that killed my little boy. As a last resort I turned to God. I had nothing left, so I went to the one I had cursed, screamed at, and blamed, God. When all gave up on me, and I gave up on myself, God waited for me. I know because I'm still here. The guilt is almost nonexistent, and the pain most days is tolerable. I feel things I thought I'd never feel again. So go ahead and yell all you want at God. He knows our pain. Were not the first to be angry with Him, and we won't be the last. After all I think God loves us enough to allow us to let it all hang out!  Peace and Love!

L - you are right  - it is emotionally and physically exhausting - that's why it is so hard to imagine doing it for the rest of our lives. So I just take it day by day. It's funny after talking about singing again on here, today I got offered a gig for a wonderful community affair with plenty of time to get ready for.

I almost turned it down and told myself I'm not ready. And the truth is - I'm not. But I'm going to do it for my son anyway and try to find the strength. Love and prayers to everyone

On Children
 Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, 
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, 
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, 
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, 
and He bends you with His might 
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, 
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

What I pasted below may help us

That is beautiful Vasanthi. I am having such a down day and I have only been up for a few hours. I just can't seem to keep the tears at bay today. 

That is a beautiful passage Vasanthi - thank you.

Dolly - at this point I am not sure of which sings exactly we will be performing. It is a 3 hour event so there will be quite a few! I will let you know as we rehears and select the material. For sure  I will be doing "Dancin' in the Sky"! Thanks for asking. It will definitely give me something to work towards and help in getting our band back together. I have gotten messages that he wants me and his dad to keep playing together. And I have also heard him say "sing like a bird mom". Music is the universal language and really can help transcend the pain for a bit.

As I said yesterday, this forum is wonderful.  It is like an old coat that you put on and feel warm and comforted. I will repeat myself by saying that I am grateful for the support and friendship and guidance in coping and knowing that there is life affirming power in the circle of people here. If we can help each other in steps to that "new normal" it is our gift from our children. Thank you Vasanthi for the beautiful poem.... thank you Connie for sharing my feelings....thank you Connie for having the courage to SING (wonderful) ..... thank you to all that are here in words..... you have made my day.  My Best....L

Connie, I'd love to see snapshot of your concert.

It's been 18 months since Michael left and I still don't know who the "new me" is, maybe this is it.  I know I'll never be who I was.  Some of me is gone.

Davi, I not only grieve the lost of my Michael but I grieve the lost of his future.

Who am I kidding?  I am so damn lost right now.  I feel stuck between disbelief and reality.  One minute I'm telling myself NO and the next I'm crying over not being able to call him.  I'm so damn miserable.  Me and all my talk about reaching a better day.  It's bull damn it.  I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to get to a better place.  I sit here trying to be positive and yet today I hate the world!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry I know this will pass. 

Don't be sorry Teresa that is why we are here so you have a place you can release your real feelings because we are feeling them also or have felt them in the past. As for me I am in the same place, it truly sucks and yes this to shall pass but until then vent sister :) I am having bad day myself 

Teresa, Davi, Lynn, L, Connie, Dolly, and all the others...I think we are all trying so hard that the effort at being normal is causing so much anguish..Friends may be well meaning but since no one except the ones who have lost seem to understand, to hell with the others. this hurts everyday , every waking hour.. some days are just so difficult because along with this we also have to be functional. sometimes small things make me seethe with rage and even though I feel it , I wonder why I am so angry at the slightest slight. Then it comes down to ," I am missing my son sorely. I need him and he knows how devastating it is then why isn't he just reaching out, and why am I not able to reach him.. what a misery this is.. what possible lesson can there be apart from all who are born will die and why did this lesson have to be done this way for me to know it? I already knew it!!!! How and why should God deprive me of my only child who was absolutely enjoying his young life and take him away in the blink of an eye with no warning whatsoever? Maybe just maybe it is to show that death doesn't mean absence? I feel crazy.

Has any one seen the advertisement for a new tv show called resurrection... it is about the dead coming back?  I don't think I could watch it.... it has been 5 years.... and i doubt if my emotions could handle it..... 

This has been such a bad week.... as I was telling you about my Friday morning dream of my Niles.... this past Monday.... My friend died.  I learned later that her husband rushed her to the hospital Friday morning.....   She died similar to the way my first husband (Different Wedding) died 31 years ago... as he described the events..... FLASH BACKS 31 years ago... I still remembered the names of the Blood Pressure Medication give to some one who has a drop in BP..... and floods on flash backs to 31 years ago.... 5 years ago... and the Dreams..... 

Grace I am so sorry for your loss and all the bad memories it has brought up for you. Sending you extra prayers tonight.

I don't like the look of Resurrection and I think it has an evil plot twist (the resurrected aren't "the same"...cue scary music) so I will stay away from that. I'm still trying to recover from True Detectives!!

No easy days for me. I wear a mask at work. I am married and hide my tears at home too. Our marriage was loss too. We can not find anything in common anymore. He eats alone. I eat alone. We sleep in separate beds. I just could not pretend to want to act like I am have a good time and really, I just don't want anyone but my son only. What a hell of a life, I live now empty without my 20 year old son that was shot 9/30/12. Why me? Why him? He was born and raised in the country, trying to live like his friends "Hard". All the calls I have received are bad new. I am trying not to loss my mind but this is hard,

Michelle, you are in my thoughts and prayers... the day will pass and I too struggle with the times when I am so afraid to allow myself to feel because I don't know what will be unleashed and how to handle it. try to just keep calm and feel Chris's love for you. That helps and there is then a feeling of connection. Chris loves you and don't you ever forget that important fact. That will tide you over any negative feelings. 

Adrianne you are so right, Karen is responsible for so much of the help and support we have got... That is huge and I really want to say Thank you with all my heart.

Bern, So many challenges and so much of adversity can make anyone  feel sad. I feel your pain and I think when its hard just try and ride with it. It is the time to grieve and that is what you and your husband are doing but in your own unique ways. Sometimes I do feel that grief being so personal really is for the sufferer alone and no one else really understands. I accept that and try to maintain some semblance of functionality. I pray that things ease up for you and prayers are so powerful . Please try and get to a calm place inside of yourself beneath all the pain and loss and sorrow. xoxoxoxo

Sending you lots of thoughts and prayers also Michele to get through tomorrow okay. And to everyone...

I will remember Chris with a candle

Haven't been free to read all of your thoughts and emotions until just now.  I think that we all relate to the pain of grieving so intensely that it is all consuming.  Big things / little things / anything ....can trigger the roller coaster of sadness.  Birthdays and Anniversaries are monumental sources of sadness.  If there are a couple of things that I can throw out that might work for any of you - it would be to let your feelings out if it makes you feel better in the end - even to those that you think don't really care.  You might be teaching them how to be compassionate.  My heart goes out to you Bern with regard to your marriage.  Is there anyway to find some common ground?  I had cancer 5 years ago and my husband was my rock - when my Daughter died, I was his.  We now are just holding on to each other trying to get to a good place.  I wish I could help in some small way.  To you Michelle, I will keep you in my prayers tomorrow. Anniversaries I can only imagine are extremely hard.  Maybe when I get there - you will be my strength and guide to just get through the day. I will think of you tomorrow and hope that you can get through the day.  Just want to say that when people ask me how my family is doing _hmmmmm -I usually respond with - when someone is having a bad day the rest of us try to rally around. Safety in numbers and hopefully the rest of us can be support.  I feel that "safety in numbers" here on this page.

To the comment about people saying that they will be there  - I can't tell you how many times when I have needed help with my daughters' little girl.... and no one was there - how deeply sad I am.  But - she is our light in the darkness. A lovely thing. 

I am as always - Thankful for the comfort I feel.  I just hope that you all know that I send my support for healing and my prayers for peace are with you all.  L

Michelle

Thinking of you today....

Connie I look forward to hearing "Momma don't cry".

Hugs to all!

I'm burning out!

Time for me to seek some help.  I went to the doctors the other day.  first physical in a long time.  I just need to know what is stress and what is age.  He wants me to take some pills for depression but I'm not into it.  So I decided it may be time to seek a counselor.  I need tools not pills.  I want someone to give me the tools I need to save myself not medicate myself.  I just don't want to be stuck in the misery forever.  I will forever want and love my Michael but how do I move forward without carrying the ton of grief on my back? I'm just too exhausted to keep doing this daily.  It's aging me, it's wearing me down and it's just simply too much. 

Michele, I am so happy and proud of you for celebrating and honoring your son's life with your loved ones. I hope for the same next weekend when we do our drum circle. But it really is SO har5d getting to that day. I feel like sleeping until then.

Teresa - I think seeing a counselor over meds is the way to go. At least then you can determine if it's something you really need. I occasionally take and anti-anxiety pill to help me deal with difficult situations but no pill can fix this.

Michelle I'm so happy for you that your gathering gave you so much comfort.  It is so nice to hear that it was a celebration of Chris's life. 

Connie, I hope your drum circle is able to do the same for you.  I just love that idea.   I think Lynn and I can tell you, as you head into it the anxiety is there but once the event happens I hope you are able to feel the love and comfort that our events brought to us.  

I agree..... there is no pill or really nothing that can FIX Grief..... you just go through the process.... you live through the pain.... and little by little, you see a ray of light and hope.... then you fall backward only to pick yourself up to go a little further.....

Dolly

No..............There is no way to get over it. It will "live" with us for the rest of our lives. And when we grieve, we love them more.

Our grief is our child, just different. But still very close.

Been reading the comments from all of you...

I was wondering...something I am having difficulty with...I found that I feel unable to be around certain people (friends and such) from before my child passed simply because their children are still here. I do not wish anything bad for them, but the reminder of not having my son here is simply overwhelming...and to see others continue on their life it has become a marker of some type in my mind...

Also, I have been having to be more careful of what I say around my daughter regarding her brother's death...she seems to not be able to handle the grief and is suffering from intense anxiety attacks...yet I find myself "stuffing" it all until I can be alone...it is frustrating.

I am so mad this is my life... 

And so angry that my son died because of a totally reckless driver who should not have been on the road. She had no insurance, had been cited for other driving issues...

She was the "lone bullet" on the road that day...as this is a very quiet route normally where my son was driving...he was driving on his motorcyle on his way to a doctor's appt. when she came into his lane...I had to read in the paper that she did not even "realize she hit a person" right after the accident...that is how dense this person is...

...I also had to learn from the paper that he "flinched" before the accident...so he knew what was coming at him...

I'm so sorry LR. I know how that feels. The driver of the car that my son was in decided to pass a car on the shoulder of the road! The shoulder ran out...the driver was fine

It's amazing how so many times, the one who causes a fatal accident escapes unscathed. Not that I wish s/he didn't, but I wish the victim had escaped harm, too.

I know. it all just really sucks

Random....life and Death.... so Random.....  lost the maid of honor from our wedding last week.... 49..... her Mom said to me.... "It's not fair".... then she said,"But you already know this with losing Niles, don't you"   and I said "yes it isn't fair and it is gonna be bad for a long time.... but some days a little ray of sun will come back.... then it will suck again....." 

No Grace it isn't fair.

LR, my friends kids are getting married and having babies.  I do go to the showers and weddings, I'm the sad one in the corner, but while it makes me sad I don't want to look back and see that I missed their life events all together.  I guess it depends on what you can handle and what your relationship is with those friends.

Last week I kinda fell a part on my daughter. I really try not to do that to her, just because I know she feels a very overwhelming sense of responsibility being the only child now.  She also thinks it is her job to fix my broken heart.

All I know is this is the greatest pain I have ever felt in my life.  I also know there will NEVER be a day I don't want my Michael so I NEVER see I day when I will get over this.  However, I do look for a day when the thought of Michael is more about his life than his death. I want to smile and not cry when I think of him.  If I could go to heaven and get him I would, but I can't.  

Thanks Connie, Grace, Teresa and Michelle for the responses...

I have to put on a total "face" for the sake of my daughter...she too is the only one left of my children...

Teresa, "I also know there will NEVER be a day I don't want my Michael so I NEVER see I day when I will get over this."

This is so true, every day I wake up I remember, oh yea, my life with Jesse in this realm is over...then the silent scream...

That is all the further I get...I cannot even begin to think a future...that is just so overwhelming at this point...it is  just to get through this one day.

Oh Adrianne I wish I could answer the whys and the what ifs. Sometimes we don't see the signs they leave for us because of all the pain. Maybe your son is there in other ways. Peace to you and everyone today - sending all the love and hope I can

Been reading everything..L R, Teresa, Connie, Dolly, Michelle, Adrianne, Davi how i wish I could lessen this grief.. while we feel connected to our darling children when we grieve I know that I am trying to find a way to connect through peace too... It happens that when I firmly decide to sit quietly in front of an altar or any corner n tell myself that I will allow for peace to pervade me and not grief as grief is this alien thing eating me up, sometimes I am successful, sometimes though I desperately want the past with my son in it, and wonder why the hell am I living on, what can be so compelling which snatches away ones very life itself and leaves the other to twitch in despair and helplessness? what possible lesson can there be?we are supposed to learn what?

i give up! but xoxoxoxox and hugssss to all here 

The thing that is really upsetting me this week as we approach Daniel's birthday is that this is a beautiful world and life, filled with people we love and who help us and beauty in nature that awes us. And we were on a road with our lives, creating and living what we hoped would be a wonderful life for our children. Even though I believe Daniel is safe with Spirit and lives on, I don't understand it or where he is. So it still just makes me so sad that it all ends for us - everything here. And I hope and pray that as our souls move on, it is also beautiful - more than we can know. But I don't want everything to end here. The thought of losing someone else significant in my life overwhelms me. The thought of living with this pain til I die overwhelms me. It is just TOO SAD TOO SAD. Why can't I feel the peace that faith is supposed to bring? I am feeling  so crushed with grief. almost more now than before. I want him back and to have the things in life that are so special - a love of his life, children, creating work he loved. I don't want everything I love to go away from here. Vasanthi - our lesson may be to live each day to the fullest and always give your love, but ironically how do we do that with such heavy hearts?

Sorry I'm rambling...  just a really tough one. I am going to see a wonderful spiritual healer today because I feel like I just want to get in bed and not ever get out

We had tee shirts made to give to Daniel's friends with some original artwork on it from when he was about 9 years old, - he was so funny - it was "Kung -Fu Chicken". Then his "DKAPS" signature on the front that he did during his last year. They came today and they made me smile then sent me into the tailspin. But I know he is smiling too and his friends will love them.

Lynn, I bet that is the most beautiful hydrangea tree anyone has ever seen. 

Connie, I know the bitter sweet feeling you felt when you saw those shirts.  Hopefully the thought of "Kung fu chicken" warms your heart.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANIEL!!!!!!!

Vasanthi, what a pleasant mix up the other day.