Thanks to all who have given me your comments on the upcoming memorial to honor Chris' one year anniversary. I'm thinking it will be harder to go through that day (April 6th) than the actual anniversary of his death (March 21). Plus my birthday is this Thursday and it's just not a celebration anymore.

Anne, I'm so sorry for the death of your friend and yet another loss for you, on top of being hospitalized.

Lynn, we will all support you this summer when you inter Kyra's ashes.

Vasanthi, you are always sharing such meaningful thoughts.

Jane, I love your very kind thought in which you state that your heart hears my heart. What a lovely way to put it.

Connie, you are always so supportive.

To everyone not named (and not because I don't think of each of you), my hugs and prayers are with you each and every day.

Lynn as tough as it is, you know that that is the place Kyra loved and choose to live. Her spirit will be with you all and I'm sure you will feel the love. We've never been to Montana but my husband's sister went to college there and now another friend is going there and she send pics. It's so beautiful. just like Kyra. sending love.

Anne & Dolly - praying for your health to improve

Hugs to EVERYONE going through this! ((( )))

My heartfelt thoughts and prayers are with you all.  

Anne, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend and praying that your health is improving.

Michelle, I can only support you from where I am, but when the time comes I'm sure we all will be with you in our hearts.  You can count on that.

I have been having anxiety attacks again.  No way to control except by medication.  I believe they are being caused by my subconscious, as I physically/mentally try to avoid thinking about the 'trigger' areas. It doesn't really seem to work.  Each season change I seem to go through this as I think of what he did during those seasons.  Crazy?  Maybe.  I know that I sometimes feel that way.

I also think it's the feeling of feeling alone.  Abandoned by those we thought would always be here for us.  Their silence is worse than if they would scream at me.  ???  Confused, and I thought it was improving.  I had a few decent months about a year ago.  I guess it's time to surrender as Jane had mentioned.  It's not going to go away, and I have been doing a lot of thinking again.

Tomorrow will be 191 weeks.  I don't want to count the weeks anymore, but I can't stop.  My daughter says it's not healthy.  I want to laugh at that.  Then the other day she said something like she doesn't get as upset any more because she knows he is not suffering anymore.  I told her it has nothing to do with his suffering.  I know that, but it doesn't stop me from missing him, from wanting to see him, to talk to him, to hug him.  Her answer, 'I know'.  Then the silence.

Sorry for rambling on, but I needed to get some of these things out.  Expressing our feelings by writing to ourselves or others can sometimes clear away those cobwebs that are getting so thick.  

I hope this week is being kinder and gentler to you all.

Went today and got Dylans personal effects from the sheriffs today. It was really hard, I guess I thought it would be easy just having it but having it just made me ball my eyes out. I am glad I have them but its just been a really sad time. The weather here is getting warm finally but its Louisiana so I am sure next week it will be back cold again. Prayers & Hugs to everyone

Anne, I am so sorry about the loss of your friend and I wish you well.

Anne, you have helped us become "wise".  

Sometimes I think the silence is they just don't know what to say or do, without realizing we just need to know they are there. 

As we all know those who haven't experienced this have no clue to the grief our hearts feel. 

This whole thing is remolding who I am.  Part of me is lost, part of me is gone and part of me is new.  Not so sure what I'm going to look like when the remolding is done. 

An extra prayer to those who are experiencing health issues. I know this wears our hearts, mind and body down.

I went to a party over the weekend.  Seen some people I haven't seen in years.  As soon as they asked me how my kids were that was it....the rest of the night the only conversation I had was about Michael.  I have to learn how to control that. 

Here you don't care if I ramble on but in the rest of the world you can see in their faces they want you to stop.  Sometimes it's hard to stop.  When I caught myself I kept adding, I'm sorry I'm still a grieving mom.

The other day I saw an easel in someone's trash.  Michael had one when he was little.  Didn't see it coming but seeing the easel made me cry.  Yet this morning I saw a daycare on the news named "Michael's Energy Factory" and it made me laugh. 

From Ammy's posting, "I have been having anxiety attacks again. No way to control except by medication. I believe they are being caused by my subconscious, as I physically/mentally try to avoid thinking about the 'trigger' areas. It doesn't really seem to work.

Each season change I seem to go through this as I think of what he did during those seasons. Crazy? Maybe. I know that I sometimes feel that way.

I also think it's the feeling of feeling alone. Abandoned by those we thought would always be here for us.

Their silence is worse than if they would scream at me."

Agreed with everything you said above...it has been over a year now everyone has moved on...we are still going though the court  process for the charges against the girl who killed my son...the next court date, 4 days before my birthday...the change of the seasons is another reminder of what I should be doing with my son, and am not...

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Michelle, I actually had found some of the Jewish mourning practices were helpful to me especially early on...our culture has this fast-paced mentality to everything...including grieving...

So I "borrowed" ideas from their mourning practices...at the one year mark it is typical to light a yahrtzeit candle at home the night before, because the Jewish day begins in the evening. You can find these candles in the ethnic section of a regular grocery store usually.

I am not Jewish...just found some of their observances helpful to my own mourning...

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Wishing everyone a peaceful day...

You all can talk and ramble on all you want to here. We are here for you. I'm feeling better today. I have a mass at the top of my stomach and the bottom of my esophagus. I'm not worried. Had a rough week, but now that the nightmares have once again receded, I'm feeling much better. Thanks for the comfort.

Many prayers for you Michelle as you get ready for Chris's memorial. My heart will be with you.

Davi I'm sad that you too had to go through this whole thing. I too had to go to the sheriffs office to collect my son Lil Dels things. I'll never forget holding his burned game boy in my hands. I remember it as if it was yesterday. I still have the ends of the sleeves of my sweatshirt jacket that Lil Del was sitting on. I don't know why I kept them, I still don't. None of it is easy. Even after all this time remembering all the steps that we have to go through still makes the hair on my arms stand up. Sometimes it feels like it never ends. I'm always coming across something I didn't see before of the boys's.

Teresa you are so right about having to become a different person. All we can do is try to become better than we were before. I think I have become more compassionate, and more patient than I was before. Now I take the time to smell the roses. I make faces at smiling children, and I'm more understanding with my daughters.

Aroma therapy works well for me with my anxiety attacks, and PTSD triggers.

Lynn, my heart is also with you. Montana really is a beautiful place! I go there when I need to get away, and I love the scenery.

Much Love and hugs to all!

Davi

That must have been so sad for you. I've been thinking about you.

Each of us have our own "things" we have to do. But on different levels. They all hurt.

I am sad, for you.

This is how I feel most of the time.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHELLE!

Michelle, I'm sorry I missed your birthday.  I thought it was today, but I hope you had a kinder day and that you find your necklace.  Hugs.

Michelle.... Happy birthday and may you always feel the love and presence in your life. You will find the necklace.. I have no doubt..xoxoxox

Michele sorry I missed your birthday - I hope you had peaceful day with those who love you. I know how hard this time is for you with the anniversary of his passing next week. And I know it must be so hard for his wife and family. I am sending live to you all.

All of these special days take on such a different meaning, I know it's hard to feel good about your own birthday. Daniel's birthday is March 31st and  I feel I need to celebrate his life with his family and friends. As hard as it is to try to plan something, I just keep thinking that  I will never stop celebrating him in my life and that awesome day he was born.

I have been very sick with the flu for a week coupled with the weird carbon monoxide exposure and am feeling so weak on every level. I just can't believe it's been15 months since he's gone and the 2nd of his birthdays to get through without him here. How is this possible? Last year was so difficult to get through and this year doesn't seem any easier but I decided to try to do a drum circle (never done that before) with his closest friends and family because he was a drummer and I feel he will feel the love and vibrations being sent out just for him. His own words were "those who have passed, do not wish to be mourned, they wish to be celebrated." So that is what I will try to do.

Anne - so glad you are better and feel okay about your illness. Will you have to have surgery?

Yes, we are all different people than we used to be. And hopefully, like you said Anne, we have learned some important lessons and become better, not bitter. Thinking of you all and sending you prayers to find the strength to deal with it all.

Thank you Connie the poem is beautiful. I hope you are feeling better soon hugs

dreamed about Niles and he was a little boy and I dreamed someone had taken him from me and insisted that he was better off living with them.... so then I visited him and he smiled and hugged me with his legs around my waist and his arms around his neck... I really hugged and we loved on each other.... and then in my dream I went to talk to Glenis... a Psycholgist friend of ours and said... "I really think Niles needs to come home with his Mom........ Then I woke up and cried because it was like it just happened and I will never be able to hug him ever again.... so I started crying and woke up Dave... so having a PITY Day....

Grace - I have had a few dreams like that, where you know somehow in the dream that you have hug as tight as you can. I don't think they are dreams, but visits. A gift from the other side really. It's your Niles way of giving you the physical love we all miss so much. And yes, it is heartbreaking to wake up from but also amazing to have the opportunity to feel that again. Awe and sorrow, it is the way of life I guess. It is so so sad to think of never being able to see of talk or hug them in the same way. But his spirit is there with you and will always be. But I am sorry you feel the pain so fresh again. Ever since my last "dream" which was 3 weeks ago, I just want him back every second of every day. Hugs to you

Beautiful poem.

Thank you.

We needed that.

Connie that was a beautiful poem... tugged so much at my heart. I dreamt earlier that Micks somehow was with my ex husband and that they had changed homes and I am frantic saying Oh God , I dont know his address and I was crying. then someone in the dream said ," ok you don't know the address but you have his number and so you can call anytime. that soothed me and I slept on! How much of anguish we are all experiencing... hugs to all of you.

I'm sorry I missed you birthday yesterday, but if means anything Happy Belated Birthday Michelle. Me, and I'm sure many others are very blessed that you were born. Thinking of you always.

Connie, you sweet, caring, loving human being. I am at a place where every line of that poem is true. I wish I would've wrote that myself! Haha! Every word I have known, and felt. Those words rang so true to my heart. Thank you so much for sharing it. I have had another really tough week, but because of the support and caring from all of you I am ready to fight another day. I spent 2 days this week feeling sorry for myself. I believe that was enough.

Grace you are allowed to have a pity party when you need to. As long as you don't allow them to take over your life it's a good thing. I myself throw a pity party for myself once in a while, and afterwards sometimes I giggle at myself cause I know this too shall pass. I have always learned from the pity parties I have held for myself. That's why I tell others to not feel sorry for me because I do that very well all by myself!

Grace Niles is with you. He's right there in your heart, and soul. We as humans sometimes think, and feel that we will never see our loved ones again. I just don't believe that's true. I believe that after we have traveled or journey for a while we do feel them near. I feel my boys near. Not all the time but most of the time I do feel them, and God near. I used to be so jealous when a person would tell me about dreams they had about their child who passed. I had nothing but nightmares. To this day I never dream about my Ben, and when I dream about my Lil Del it's always a terrible nightmare. So I don't count on seeing them in my sleep, but I do feel them, and their love in my heart everyday. Those that have the good dreams about their child are very lucky, but I feel lucky too that I can still hear there laughter, and feel their smile in my heart.

I went to a child care class last night because I work at a daycare, and they said that if you focus on the bad behavior that's what you'll get is bad behavior. If you focus on the good behavior more, you'll get more good. I think that applies to grieving parents also. If we focus on all of the bad, that's what we'll get. If we take the time to focus on the good maybe we'll get more good than bad.

Vasanthi your dream was beautiful, and I believe Micks was letting you know that he's ok, and he knows that your always there for him even if he's not here on earth. You never stop being a mother even if our child is not here on earth, and even though were apart they still need our love.

Dolly, I hope your doing as ok as you can. Thinking of you.

Peace, and Love to all!

Michelle, this may sound a bit crazy but when I lose things I say a prayer to Saint Anthony. I was taught as a young child that he is the patron saint of things lost. When I lose something very important to me I pray to him, and usually I find what I'm looking for, and if not I accept that it wasn't meant to be found.

I know for a period of time I couldn't find anything.  Some days I ran around the house searching and didn't even know what I was looking for.  I just thought if I searched I'd find it.

Connie beautiful poem.  Thank you for sharing it. 

Grace your dream brought tears to my eyes.

I envy those of you with dreams.  I only had the one 3 months after Michael left.  It seemed like it was only for a quick 2 seconds.  He drove by with a big smile holding his fingers up making the peace sign.  I'd give anything for a hug even if it is in a dream.  

How can it hurt more today, than it did yesterday?

Michelle, I had no doubt that you would find your necklace. But the way you have got it is a miracle... the miracle of love...I often feel that we who are suffering so much have actually forever gained Love.

I keep looking for a better day.

Thank you all for your kind words about my dream.... Friday was very hard... full of Snotty Nose Sobs...... but I'm ok.... this morning, as I was driving to work I heard  Sissy's Song by Allen Jackson... it was one from Niles' funeral.... and it says  "Don't Worry About Me" in the lyrics..... Ok Tears again flowed......  he is always on my mind..... I miss him so much... he was 14 and this year he was supposed to be 18....      Some days I think it has been 5 years... maybe I don't need this group so much any more..... but then I am so glad you are all here and I hope that I can show you all that we are 5 years down the road and some days are good but we still have our sad days... too.....

Friday a friend came by with Spaghetti and Meatballs for lunch and told me similar stories .... that Niles came to just give me a hug..... somehow though.. I still cry and will always want him back.

Michele, so glad you found your necklace. Of course he remembered his mom! I also felt that you would find that with the help of your special angel. It's funny, because I had lost a special necklace I wear in honor of my son and almost freaked out but felt and heard that little voice saying that I would find it and I did something amazing - I trusted my faith and didn't freak out. VERY unlike me as a I am the freak-out queen! For a couple of weeks, I have kept looking patiently here and there with no luck. Then yesterday, like you, I found it in a place I had looked several times. Just sitting there. Why is it so hard to trust that faith always? That is what I am working on. It's hard when you feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest.

But organizing this drum circle for Daniel's birthday has gotten me in a more positive frame of mind. Just how everything is falling into place and I feel such closeness with him, like he is helping me each step of the way and knows about the "party" (I think because it was his idea). It will be a blessing to have all those he loves and who love him doing something he loved to do. I can't wait to beat on the drum and send out those vibrations right to his heart.

Peace to you all today. Sending you extra prayers Bern

and Happy St Paddy's day to any of you Irish folk out there. Don't forget to wear green

Jane I am sorry you are feeling so sad today. Hugs to you.

Grace, sending loads to love to u.. time is not measured as we did earlier anymore.. please be here as from everyone here I draw so much of strength... some days I just read and ponder and feel each one's posts in my heart and dont want to comment because some days words do not convey the feelings well and some days I like to reach out to all here knowing that I will never be misunderstood... I thank u all from my heart.xoxoxox

Back at ya Vasanthi!

Dolly, yes, grief can make you sick. In addition to gastritis, and a bunch of other things, I awoke today with the 7th cold I've gotten since Chris died. That's more than I've had in the past 20 years combined.

Grace, so glad you're here with us. We need you as you sometimes need us.

Connie, yes, trusting with faith can be more challenging now that our children are gone, but it's the only thing that gets me through. I'm glad you, too, found your special necklace.

A year ago today, Chris and his wife left on the cruise that he died on. Friday, the 21st, is his one year anniversary.

Thank you Connie.

I am new..... I am so touched by those that have reached out to me. The messages that I have read make me feel that I am not alone and not crazy.  It has been 4 months since my daughter passed.  To you Lynn - I so relate to the "keeping busy".  Sometimes it helps and then....hmmmm ....but now I know that I can vent and hopefully listen as someone else needs an ear.  To Connie K and Jane P and Michelle H - it is a honor to meet you and I am grateful.  It is nice to know that there is a shoulder and comfort and support.  Michelle - your comment to my "normal" description ....about how we were all normal until we lost our gift from God.  I have another daughter - a teacher - that is teaching me everyday how to cope.  Her mantra right now is that - We are living in the NEW normal. We all miss this person that was a source of life - but we have each other. I am sorry for all of your losses. You are in my thoughts... my best for a lovely day ! 

Yes L I was thinking of the "new normal" yesterday. A couple of opportunities have been put in my path and I have been praying and praying for some type of guidance as to where to go in my life now. Because he was my only child and had health issues so I stayed home as his caretaker.  I have put my career on hold these 18 years and now I don't want to go back to what I did before. Except sing - I never stopped singing til he died. I am trying to find my voice again.

But then it is so hard to  keep going, living my new life without my precious son (he would have been 19 on March 31) and feeling good about it. I battle the guilt of trying to embrace life again and just don't have my mojo back that's for sure. Even though I know that's what he wants for me. I'm not the same. I'll never feel "normal" again. Having to get used to my son in is new form is also hard but I am so grateful that I feel him with me. And to have had him in my life. Sending love and prayers to all.

Dear Connie,  you hit another nail on the head for me.  "battling the guilt of trying to embrace life again".  It is emotionally and physically exhausting.  I know we have to make the effort.  BUT then there is that guilt thing.  

It sounds like you have a talent.  Maybe if you use the gift of song to bridge the emptiness it will give you the open door to peace.  It is so comforting to know that we are all on this path together.  Safety in numbers.  

I have found in my own family that when one of us is having a really hard day - the rest of us are there to be supportive.  It does help.  I just know that we have to talk about it .... not in a morbid way, just how we feel.  Little things trigger the moments.  Sentimental things.  We just remind each other that THANK God we have these memories. Hope something with song comes along.  Best..... 

Dear Lynn,  You asked me to tell my daughters story.  I have to say that your daughters story is sad.  I am so sorry for your pain.  I tell people that the hole in my heart will be there forever.  My daughters name is Maura. 37 - married 7 years - wonderful husband - awesome 4 year old.  AND there is the shining light in all of this.  Her daughter is her mother.  Maura was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago and held her own until labor day.  It was very difficult .... I truly thought that I was going to help her get better with prayer.  I just wanted a miracle. Until the week before she died - I thought that it could be a possibility.  The void is heart wrenching.... but I do not need to tell anyone on the wall how hard it is.  I guess that I am feeling a little bit good with the safety in numbers.... like we can help each other.  As Connie brought up the guilt of moving on in life is hard too.  Again there is safety in numbers.  Best to you....

L and Connie I am reading your words as if I was writing them myself. I have so much guilt for moving on with our "new normal" that every morning on the way to work I just break down and tell Dylan how much I miss him. It has been 3 months and 2 weeks since he left us and so far it just gets harder everyday, when I think about his future that we will never share he was only 16, he still had so much ( I cry now as I type) sending hugs your way.