The difference between worry, and fear is, worry is normal. We all worry about our families, health, etc. Fear robs you of the ability to see the good. It can impair your rational thinking, and judgment. Fear can also make one do things you wouldn't normally do such as follow your kids around because you want to protect them, and not want your loved ones out of your sight. Plus fear steals the good days you should have and robs you of any happy thoughts and memories. This is just from my experience. I was in fear for many years, and it did nothing but make me and every one I live miserable. Things are going to happen whether we are afraid or not so why waste time and energy being afraid of things you can't control. Peace and Love to all!

Thanks Anne.  I guess I just worry, but it feels like fear to me.  I don't say or show it to the family.  I keep my thoughts to myself.

Praying, wishing, hoping we all have a gentler weekend.

You must remember that God did NOT do this to any of us. All that stuff people say like, God needed and angel, it was his time, only the good die young etc. it's all a bunch of crap. It's the wicked one who does this to us to get us away from God. God loves all of us very much. That's why he waits for us to be ready to receive Him. It's hard to get through to us when we doubt Him. God loved me even through all the terrible things I said, and did. I believe this because I can feel His comfort now. I believe because almost every day something makes me smile! I believe because even on the dark days I can feel Him near. It took me 9 years to decide for myself if I believed or not. God waited all that time, and took all my abuse, for me to ask Him back into my life. I wish I would've ask Him to be with me sooner. I didn't because I had too much fear, anger, and sorrow within me to ask for His help. I'm glad I finally did!  Don't give up on God. I know He won't give up on us! Peace and Love to all!

Anne, I believe everything you said.  It didn't take me 9 years to come back to Him even though I was angry with Him in the beginning and couldn't understand why this happened to 'me'.  I believe what you said about Him waiting for us.  Thank God for His patience.

I t doesn't make the sorrow go away but I believe He does help us to get through.

Blessings to all.  I pray you all stay safe if you are in the path of this next winter storm that is coming through.  Hopefully it will be the last one for this winter.

Ammy, I hope this is the last storm too.  I am so sick of the snow.

It's my faith carrying me.

Adrianne I agree with Anne, God is there he's not leaving you he is just waiting for you.  I can't do this without prayer, but I think each one of us has to process this our own way. 

Sometimes I think I'm trying to hard to get to the light and because I'm pushing so hard I'm making myself further away.  If that makes sense.

I need to let the process take it's place and stop trying to make it happen.  I realize I can't "fix" this.

I questioned my faith but it was only for a short minute because I'm too scared to go through this without it.  I know God didn't do this to me or to Michael and while I struggle with the "Why" I can only hope when I reach heaven I will understand.

Prior to Michael there were two situations in my life that I am so sure God was beside me in.  Prior to Michael when telling the stories I would always add the part I thought God played in them.  So I have to believe if he was there then he is there now.  He wouldn't leave me now.

Michael loved me too much to leave me even in death. I know Michael is helping me right now.  I hear him in my head telling me "your doing ok Mom, I'm not leaving you I'm right here."  When I'm breaking down in the car I know he is holding my hand. 

Storm wasn't too bad.  A few more inches of snow with a sheet of ice under it.  My drive way is on a hill so I hope I can drive up and out.

Connie, I wish I could join you in your garden.

I know I say it all the time but I'm saying it again.   THANK YOU! To everyone for being there to share and support.

I don't know why I feel so weepy today. Even though I have faith in God, and feel that my son is okay, great actually with God, in the "real reality", here I am , still here without him. And I just feel lost. I too feel like I have surrendered myself to whatever God still has for me to do and learn, but I can't feel the motivation, the hope to carry on and make a difference in this world. I guess I still feel like God doesn't love me because I have failed so horribly in some way that I will never understand, so I can never make it up. I still struggle with memories of the fights I had with my son as he struggled with his health burdens and I want to have a do over. I wish I had been kinder. I wish I had understood what I understand now. Even worse - I understood then and still gave into fear and doubt. I was so distraught during those last years because I was watching my son suffer so much both from the disease and the treatment. I'm sure he felt hopeless and I was afraid and not strong enough. He would overhear me crying and say "What are you crying for? It's my stuff." He never had a child though. It is the worse to watch them suffer and not be able to fix it. And then to have someone else' stupid decision take his life in a car accident is just unreal. He was getting so much better and I was looking up and seeing a bright future for this first time in a long time. Every Saturday night, I can't help but relive the hour leading up to the coroner and police showing up at my door and telling us he didn't make it. This past weekend reminded me so much of that night because of the rain. Now Monday morning is here and I struggle to get up and get going and not indulge in self pity. But I just needed to vent.

I know all of this going over and over things isn't helping. I just can't help it some days. I am so sad and missing my Daniel so badly. Without other kids to take care of and now no job, I find it hard to get myself in a positive enough mindset to start a new job. I feel like I am standing still while all the world goes on around me. Thank you to everyone hear for listening and supporting. Teresa - I wish you could help me garden also. It really helps me get out of my head. Maybe today I will put a few flowers in the ground... Hugs to you all

Here I sit today crying we bought a new car Friday and I can't get excited because it was insurance money that bought it and I feel guilty that it took my son dying before I was able to get it. I have never had a brand new car before cause we could never afford it and now it feels tainted :(  I want to seek God to better myself but again there is guilt that why couldn't I be a better person when Dylan was here, anytime as a family we do something that we never did with him there is guilt. I just don't know anything anymore. 

Davi I know your son would want you to have that car, he wants you all safe. But I understand how you feel. My husband wants me to get a new car (or new used car !) because mine needs body work that I don't want to pay for. But I feel guilty because Daniel was just 4 months away from finally getting his own car and would finally be able to drive by himself which to me is one of the most fun things in life. I love driving and I loved the feeling of freedom when I got my first car. He deserved that,. But he learned in my car and I let him drive with me all the time. That car holds memories for me that some folks don't get. So sometimes I want to get a new one but can't let go yet. It's hard to move on and not feel guilty about just living But here we are. We have also been able to take care of some physical necessities with the insurance money we got from the driver's insurance co but we have also helped others with it. The fact that you can now afford a new car now is a blessing. So take it and appreciate it and do something charitable with some of that money in your son's name. I know he will be with you through it all. I think it's all about balance from here on out...

Connie & Davi, it's good to let those feelings out.  I hope you felt somewhat better after expressing yourselves.  I think we all have some type of those thoughts going through our heads at some time or other. 
I have even questioned myself on why I didn't show more affection to my son, and I know the it wasn't me holding back, but he would get uncomfortable at times if I just went up to him and hugged him.  I don't know if it was because of his feeling he wasn't worthy or his mental state, but it did keep me from doing it more often.  I am okay with that because I do know he knew how much I loved him.
I had gotten a new car in 09 and I believe I will keep it forever, if possible.  When I'm alone and driving I often feel my son with me.  We went out in my car all the time and I can still see him sitting there.  I just have a hard time listening to a CD that we played so I don't try to play it anymore.
We all have our things/memories/thoughts/guilts and it's okay.  Actually, it's probably good even if we cry over them sometimes.  I have to believe that one day we will come to peace with them all.
The most important thing to me is that my son knew how much his dad and I loved him.  We made mistakes along the way, but our son always knew we loved him and we were always there to support him.  That is where I get some of my peace from.

A new week and I pray a gentler week for all.

Adrianne, I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time.  Especially with making peace with God.  Maybe finding some short statements to say throughout the day to God will help you get back to where you need to be.  Even a little thank you for something (like a precious grandchild) :).  I know it's hard but it's like anything else we have to learn.  We need to practice it.
As for the crying, some days I can't pray without crying either.  Maybe just in more of a fragile state at the time.  It also happens when I'm reading the bible.  Certain verses just make me start to cry.
Sending my love to you & prayers.

Teresa, I'm so glad you didn't get hammered from the storm.  I was excited this morning when I looked out and only saw a coating.  Finally got a break.  The newscast said that we have had 1 or more snows every week since Dec 8.  No wonder this winter has seemed so hard.
Spring is coming.  Flowers and vegetable gardens.  Nice thoughts.

Sending you all my love and blessings.

March is the BAD month. My mother died March 10, 1960 and my son died March 21, 2013. It's also the month of my grandson's, my husband's, and my birthdays. I can't believe Chris will be gone a whole year.

Michelle, I know this must be weighing on you and I'm no expert but if you could just try and stay in the day.  Don't fill your mind with all the dates.  It will wear you down.  Your biggest day will be the one year mark.  I can't explain that, but once you make it through it's gone, just like each day now.  

Are you planning on doing anything for that day?  I really did not feel like doing anything any day, but the family wanted to.  We had home movies playing for those that wanted to watch and we did a balloon release with notes attached to the balloons.  Some light snacks, cake.  I'm really glad now that they did it.  Our children are forgotten way too fast.

I will hold you in my prayers.  Hugs.

It is getting to be about 17 months out from my son's passing and everyone has pretty much moved on; I know it is to be expected though. We are still going through the court process as the girl who ran him over is being charged...this will last until next August. We are very much alone now...

L Rauk - it does seem to feel that way as time goes on - nobody can feel the crushing grief that we carry so we feel all alone in it. But you're not alone. We are here for you and I know how it feels to be involved in a court case. My son was killed as a passenger in a car where his "friend " was driving crazy. We were compassionate at the trial and asked his felony to be reduced to a misdemeanor because it didn't seem to serve anyone for him to go to jail. But sometimes I wish he were. He missed his court date 2 weeks ago and they issued a warrant for his arrest. I decided I did not care what happens now. His choices have landed him where ever he will land. But is very difficult to go into those courtrooms and relive the nightmare and see that person who took your baby away. I pray it is over quickly for you and your family. Have you checked out any local support groups?

Michele, I will be holding you close in my heart this month. March 31 is also my son's birthday. Ammy's right, that first year mark is so tough, but it too passes and we have to try to keep out thoughts focused on just getting through each day.

Adrianne, sending you hugs. These ebbs and flows are just the way it is I guess. I know your prayers are being heard even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Sending everybody prayers and hope for a better day. At least we will be getting an extra hour of daylight next week. Don't forget to set your clocks forward! (((   )))

L Rauk, you are right about others moving on, and we do feel like we're left alone, but as Connie said, "we are here".  That is why we come here.  We know everyone understands us.  When we are feeling lost, weepy, crazy, or when we have some good news to share.  Just like we have blood family, adopted family, friends as family, this is kind of like a 'grief family'.  Individually we can't always be here, but someone usually is.

As for the first year, for me it's an every year event.  The birthdays, the anniversaries.  We know it's coming and we're checking off the numbers in disbelief.  That is why I now concentrate on each day and try not to look ahead.  I do at times, but I make myself come back to today.  It doesn't help us to go further.  We have a plateful each day to eat as it is.

Sending blessings & hugs to all.

L Rauk, sometimes I think we are re-victimized through the court system.  But just keep your faith and in the end it will do what it needs to do. 

Dolly your right!  Where do we move on?  Because I don't know either. I agree it's more "going on" then it is "moving on".  I know time will pass but I just can't ever see "moving on".  this is now a part of who I am.

Ammy I also agree with you.  It's hard but we can only do one day at a time.  I know the one year mark and his birthday are very hard days to deal with.  I did much better this year than last year on Michael's birthday but I had to make every effort to make it that way.  I still broke down, I was still depressed but I made it past the bathroom floor and that's all that matters to me.  It was a small step but to me it was a huge step not to spend the day on that floor.

It's exhausting to be ok. 

While reading about a bereaved Mom who had lost her 18 month old child, she used a phrase that stuck with me. She said "when you come out on the other side".....

I guess I wonder when I will "come out on the other side".

Who will we be then?

I wish we could all have coffee together.

Can't help myself.  My nephew sent this to me and it brought back such memories. 

Beautiful pic Teresa.

Lovely baby and lovely mommy...my heart is aching that's all I can say..

When will it stop? Hopefully when I will meet my son and ask him why oh why did you have to go and leave me midway to struggle...I dont know what it is to be lighthearted anymore, carefree laughter, bubbling joy is a thing of the past...now I'm solemn and a real wet blanket..momentary smiles and laughter happen and flees away quickly... I hate living like this but I really do not know how and what to do to. hugs to all here.

Vasanthi just yesterday I was driving in my car having some of the same thought.  Where did the happy me go?  I use to dance in the car to the radio now I can't hear the music. 

Me too Lynn. I agree with you all - wonder if I'll ever feel joy again.

Just a sad day. I so could relate to this poem.

Everyone thinks your moving on without knowing your really just learning to hide it.

I think it's referred to as the "acceptance" stage because it sounds better than "defeated, I surrender stage".

Learning to hide it is exactly what happens.

Grief Stage 4 of 7

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

Stage 4. Check.

read something today that reflected 'moving on'... “If your mind carries a heavy burden of past, you will experience more of the same. The past perpetuates itself through lack of presence. The quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future.”
Eckhart Tolle

something that made me pause and think.. cos it is certainly a road to hell without acceptance.. for ourselves and the people we are with can be dragged into our personal loss..I know that we here do not expect others to feel the importance of whats happened but only need empathy, and I personally try not to impose my feelings of the love I have and expect anyone else to feel the same but many I know want their loss and what they have learnt to be important ...how can it be? because every lesson is for oneself alone.... whatever lessons we learn are for us alone.. tailor-made for our highest good thats how I think God works.. 

I have felt the implied comparison ofm losing a child and losing any other person being talked of in the same way and it makes me seethe with rage... nothing compares to the loss of a child and that is a statement of fact, not some illusory romanticized notion... I feel this is important not to prove how dear a child is but the helplessness of being a kind of co-creator and then having no control to protect and nurture tear at all the role a mother has... no child means no more a mother!.. ?I have rambled as I am just very very unhappy.. if it doesn't make sense please don't waste time thinking about this:) just know that I love u all dearly..my fellow companions in this journey of great tragedy.

Vasanthi you do make sense and gave me something to think about today.

Stage 4 - I think

I love you too Vasanthi and you always make sense. Thanks for your post. It is so true that the lessons are for each person individually but the grief we feel is common.

You will always be a mother because that is an experience that is your own as well. It is just so hard to reconcile those feelings of helplessness.

I guess total faith means knowing that we are not in control and surrendering to the hope that we will be together again. And in fact, in spirit, we are never apart. I am so sorry for all the pain everyone has to suffer. I hope you all have a peaceful weekend.

Thanks Connie, Ammy and Theresa for the response. I have been reading some of the posts and glean what I can from them. It is a hard journey full of all sorts of twists and turns. Grief storms triggered by the unexpected. People who "know" where you should be at. Or those who want you to fit a mold they have created, maybe not on purpose but it is felt. I think the worse is some cannot handle the questioning of what your core beliefs are and feel it necessary to direct you...there is no script for this life, and I am stripped away to my core...

L Rauk, I like your description of a "grief storm". That's the perfect description of those overwhelming times when you feel like you are right in the middle of a frightening and powerful storm of emotions, etc. and will never get out. But I keep hope that there will be a double rainbow at the end of this one. Hugs to all

I'm humbled by the amazing wisdom expressed by all here, the "communion" of moms and dads who have endured the unthinkable loss of a precious child. In my own journey, I am moving from numbness into being forced into awareness again. My daughter-in-law's family is having a "dedication" of Chris' headstone marker on April 6th (he wasn't Jewish, but his wife is), and that means having to go downstate to the cemetery and actually see my son's name written on a tombstone. Since I never got to see him after he passed, maybe THIS will be the beginning of the reality for me. All I know is that my feelings are awakening and I'm not sure I like it one bit.

Oh Michelle

My heart hears your heart.

After the dedication, try to go there again, alone. Talk to Chris.

I visit Danielle's "place" every Sunday. I talk to her.

We both know they're not really there. But it's still their "place".

Jane, your suggestion is a very good one. I need to be there with my son, away from the hubbub of the ceremony (I have no idea what that entails) and people I don't really want to see. My husband and I can go back there together (he's not Chris' dad) and spend some private time. I dread that day so much.

Michelle

It will be rough, no question about that. Having had a similar experience this is what I tried to do. I knew I would have a meltdown, that was a given. But at the same time, I felt this was also a "Danielle" moment, and if I didn't pay attention to what was going on around me, I was going to miss that special moment. And that is all I cared about.

So, have your moment, Michelle. Have your moment with Chris.

Let your love for him glow and warm your heart.

You are all becoming very wise! I am having a very rough time. My dear friend passed away, and I have been hospitalized and didn't know till today. Once again I am crushed. Damn this whole death thing. I'm sick of it.

Anne I am so sorry for your recent loss. I will send all the healing prayers and love for you and your recovery. It is so much harder to deal with grief when you are sick.

Michele - hugs to you . It will be tough but healing also I think. ((( )))

Oh Lynn, I wish I lived closer to Missoula. I live in the south west corner of ND. Right on the SD, Montana border. Many blessings to you, and your family.