Theresa, When I get those unbearable waves, it helps to hike or walk - just move. But we all know  that feeling and how hard it is to endure. Have faith that your loved ones will be with you in spirit to help you get through and you will be together again one day. ((( )))

Just wish that day was now. I use to walk but my illness does not allow me the option anymore. Just feel done sorry.

Yes Connie, hearing words of comfort that we will be together again is just music to a distressed soul(s)... it is hard to endure but somehow endure we must. I just wish Theresa finds a way to reach out to someone near her or even call someone over whom one can just be oneself with...Theresa, I just don't know what to say to make it better, but is there any way you can have some close friend or family with you for a while?

My baby sister and her husband sent for me to live with them. However, I just feel like a burden. We are the last of our family, I have always taken care of her. Just not right that she should feel like she has to help me, its just like losing my kids. I am older I should be the first to go. The younger ones should be here. I feel like the life balance is off some how. This just sucks.

Yes agree with Dolly.. no one we love is ever a burden.. Theresa, do go and live with your sister even for a short while.. it will feel nice to be taken care of.. there is no chronological order of age we need to stick to...hugssss

Dolly and Vasanthi, thank you for your words I have not had any support with this or anyone to talk to for 4 months. I have had so much bottled up because there was no support at all. I have no friends in my life, it was just me and Mitch, Branden, and Josh. Don't get me wrong they were my life and I would not have traded any of it. However, I never thought I had to go out and make friends. And never thought I would end up without all of them at the same time. Now I find that I have no one to talk to. I feel lost without them. And I do not know if I am going to make it thru this one. When I lost Branden, at Mitch and I had each other so it made it a little easier. But losing him and Josh just feels like to much to bear. I also feel so guilty because I am so mad all the time.

I am not even sure what group I really belong with for they are all gone by different methods. Just do not feel like I belong anywhere.

How can you not feel mad? How can you feel anything but lost and alone and sad and angry and hopeless after all you have lost?? We do understand at least somewhat.... I have lost others in the past that were close... parents, grandparents, grandchildren, and best friends, but not all at ONCE over a short period of time... and when I lost my son Brandon, it was the worst YET.... and still is... so please know you can be mad in here... you can rant and scream and cry in here... we all do it to some extent or another... me more than most I guess... but if I don't do it SOMEWHERE I think my heart and head will just explode with it all... and YOU have been through so much MORE than I have... I admire you for even having the strength and will to come on HERE much less do anything else... I do hope you will think about your sister's offer.... I don't know anything about her or your relationship to her, but you DESERVE someone to love and take care of you and it may be what SHE needs as well.... only you and she know how your relationship might work, but I think its one of the most precious things in life to care for someone you love when they need it most.... its EASY to love someone who doesn't need anything from you, and yet its MOST fulfilling to be able to give something to someone you love when they need you the most.... I know this is true for ME anyway..... please take some hope in knowing we do share your pain and anger and all the rest and will never judge you ....

I do not think that I have been through more than anyone else. We all love, hurt and are in pain. As far as I am concerned 1 is not only to many but more than enough for all.

Dolly, I hope that you find out everything is okay. However, do not let others tell you it is your grief and depression only. Others mean well but will sometimes use this as a blanket excuse. I know because I listened to this for so long that by the time I finally went to a doctor i found out that I did have other illnesses and they had gotten out of hand. We spend so much time taking care of the ones that we love that we forget to be kind to ourselves. With the sorrow we are feeling this happens all to easily. Please take care and God Bless.

I am feeling fragile today. I wish I wouldn't get so weepy when I'm sick or injured. I went to the Doc the other day because of severe back pain. The x-ray shows that I have osteoarthritis throughout my upper spine along with bone spurs. I can't take medication for it because my stomach can't handle it. I need a hip replacement along with a shoulder replacement, and on top of all that I need the scar tissue in my abdomen taken down. I'm at my wits end. I'm also missing my boys so much I almost can't stand it. There, how's that for whining! Sorry about the rant but I needed to get that out before I explode. The thing about grief is that it's not just the living without my sons,(although that's the worst) it's all of this illness, and physical pain too that wears a person down. The pain in my body is so bad that I can barely breathe. I feel so rough that it's depressing the heck out of me. I'm so glad my friends funeral was last week cause I couldn't play or sing today too save me. Last week I buried my friend, and today I feel like getting buried myself. I can take quite a bit, but this pain in my back is too much. Okay I'm done whining, and feeling sorry for my self. Tomorrow's another day! Whew that felt good!

Dolly and others I know what your talking about. I have been through that crap so many times. Dr,s telling me it's grief and it's all in my head. Some of it maybe, but most of it is my body, and real. I think we would know the difference between the two, so why do we have to deal with Dr's using our grief as an explanation for pain or illness. Grief takes a toll on a body, and can certainly cause physical pain, but there's more to it than that. I've been battling with the Dr's for a long time, and so now they are more apt to listen to me when I say I'm sick or hurt. I don't know why they don't listen in the first place. It sure would save us all a lot of unwanted pain. I hope my strength holds out.  Looks like I'm going to have to work really hard again to get my health back. I wouldn't mind the tears stopping either. When I'm sick or hurting the days feel a lot sadder. Thanks for the relief! Peace and love to all!

I'm with you Lynn! I do my best to keep my grief to myself. There's just no point sharing it with others who don't get it. My husband has become very good at talking about the boys with me. My daughters that's a no go. That's okay though. No need to for them to get all worked up too. It took a long while for my husband to communicate his feelings with me or anyone else. I used to get so upset with him, but I'm glad I waited for him to be able to talk about it. I hate not feeling well cause there's nothing else to do but think. This too shall pass, I hope. You know it's bad enough we have to go through this sucky thing in the first place, but for it to also make us sick to is very disturbing. I have had at least 15 major surgeries since my first child died. I'm pretty sure it wasn't from grief, but grief does not help the healing part. I was barely ever sick before the deaths of my kids. Now it seems I fix one thing, and than another one pops up. That's ok because I am one stubborn woman, and I will fight to the end! Love to all! Goodnight

Dolly you are so right, one of my favorite poems about God is Footprints. I do not know if you have read this but when I feel really really down on all levels I read this again. It says basically that when we think we are at our ultimate worse that is when he no longer walks beside us at this time he picks us up and carries us.

I think that when we go through life taking care of others and worrying about our loved one's we get so use to being on top of everything that we forget that sometimes we have to just trust. Not that I am one to talk however, I am trying real hard to let God just carry me and lead me to where ever it is that he wants me to go. This is not easy for me at all. But the one sure thing that I know is that he is the only one that I completely trust without having to give me the particulars ahead of time LOL. I just try to listen for his wake up calls and proceed accordingly. I hope this makes sense.

Dolly I am so sorry that no one acknowledged your son's birthday. Much love and Hugs to you and Brandon today.  He is with you always

Lynn 

Dolly , not a day goes by when I don't think of you and others here.. Brandon always with a huge happy smile is always in my heart...much love to him and you ... Brandon, mommy loves you and so do we... wishing you a super wonderful birthday and a free wondrous life xoxoxox

Dolly

Happy Birthday to Brandon. I know how hard this day is. I am sorry you have not gotten any support from your family. Sometimes, people can be so selfish. But we all love you and Brandon here and I will light a candle for him tonight beside Daniel's. And Vasanthi is so right - his smile just lights up the page when we see a pic of him. I hope having had him and his love in your life, if ever so brief, can do that for your heart a little. OX

Happy Birthday to Brandon! You may not be here with us in person, but your smile still lights up the world! Dolly, I know these days hurt, but your the one who hurts the most. On these important days I try to think of the good things, and be grateful for the time I did have. My little boy was only 12 years old when he left us, but I wouldn't trade not one day of having him in  my life. I've learned that nobody really knows what to say or how to say it on days like this, nor do they hurt the way I do on these days. This too is something no one can help you deal with except you, and God. Turn to him. He's just waiting for you to talk to him, and lay it on him. I hope you find if only for a moment some good memories of you, and Brandon to get you through the day. Hugs are sent your way. We can't take away your pain, but we are here to love and support you. You are not alone. Peace, and love to you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRANDON!!!!!

any dream even a brief second is worth the peace it brings to a yearning heart.......wish we all get such contacts often.

I've been quite lately.  Just don't know what to say anymore.  When I read the posts I just want to hit the agree button.  I'm so burned out!

My daughter is sick from the meds they are giving her to help her get pregnant.  I know she is putting herself through this for me.  I want to tell her to STOP! I'm afraid of what is going to happen.  She has enough health issues without adding to them.  I told her she can adopt.  I'd love any baby or child brought into our lives. 

I'm sorry to say this Anne, but the thought of losing her too is just too much for me.  I know you had to endure the unthinkable so I feel bad expressing it.  But I'm scared.

She wants to do this. 

She also took Michael's jersey's and had a quilt made out of it.  I'll be picking it up tomorrow.  I know this is going to be very emotional.  Michael was know for wearing his jersey's.  I didn't know what to do with them.  At first I was going to give one to all my nieces and nephews and a few of his friends,  but when the time came I couldn't part with them.  I just hope they still smell like him. 

Ammy, in regard to your mask poem, I live that way every day of my life. Always did, but more so since my son died.

Belated Happy Birthday to Brandon! I haven't been on here much to post recently, but each of you is in my heart everyday.

Sending my prayers and loving thoughts to each of you.
I haven't been on much lately.  Some times there are just no words to say.
Dolly, a Happy B'day blessing to Brandon and you.  I am happy to hear you had a visit (dream).  I haven't had one of my son in so long, but I remember how sweet it was to see him.  Even if it's only a dream.  I have been praying to have one of him again.
Michelle, I know you wear the mask.  I believe we all wear it at some time.  It's nice to be able to take it off, but that doesn't happen as often as I would like.
Today is my dreadful Wednesday.  I am trying to stay busy.
Adrianne, I know how hard it is sometimes to look at the pictures.  I would always look at them in the beginning, then I went through a period like you're feeling.  I just couldn't look at him.  It was like I wanted him so bad, so I avoided them.  My heart is with you.
I pray you all have some better days. 

Teresa, you just go right ahead and express whatever you need! I remember feeling the same way. I took myself out of life for a very long time because I lived with so much fear of it happening again. I lost almost 9 years of my life, and the lives of my family because of that fear. It happened any way, and almost took my daughter too. We don't have any control over that part of life. I know cause I tried to protect, and control everything about our lives. My daughters pulled away, my son went to war, and my husband about worked himself to death. So It's ok to worry, but be very careful of the difference between worry, and fear. I know you don't feel it now but there will come a day when you will be glad your still here loving others.  We don't know when or how these things will happen so I try not to be afraid or worry about things that are out of my control. I learned that lesson too the hard way!

I miss Kyra so much today. I opened a card from her friend and there was a picture of them together. I could not read the letter; I mean I could not face reading the letter.  I think this is the coldest and snowiest winter we have had in Northern New England for a long time. The grayness only heightens the feelings of loneliness and sadness.  I am meeting a friend for lunch and see the counselor after.  I am glad I am able to pull myself together most days, but today is so hard.  I too worry about my other daughter Teresa, she lives so far away and so do my step-sons. We know longer have any family around us and it is so isolating. Losing a child shows us how little control we have over events in our lives. Its just so hard to let go of the fears and what ifs. Sending everyone hugs today I wish we could all go out and have tea at a cafe. The isolation is what gets you.   

HOme again my friend forgot we had a lunch date, but I have been crying a lot today so maybe I need to be by myself.

Lynn - sorry you are having such a bad day I will hold you in my heart. Dolly - glad the MRI was clean. Did you ever take Diflucan for the yeast?

I am just so low lately I don't even have any words except that I am sending everyone love and hope for tomorrow to be brighter. (((   )))

This is one of the quilts my daughter had made out of Michael's jersey's (shirts).  This one is for my ex-husband.  The maker made one boo boo so they have to go back to be fixed.  Instead of having "III" representing that he was the 3rd, they wrote it in cursive.  Now instead of them being packed away or hidden away in the closet I can wrap myself in them.  I LOVE YA MIKE!

This one is for me. 

That is a beautiful quilt...your daughter did a lovely job...

Teresa D. I love love love these quilts. I saw something like this advertisement but this is beyond!! It's beautiful - what a wonderful tribute to your son and now you can wrap it all around you.

Yes Teresa!!!!

Beautiful, I love them.

Awesome gift.

Enjoy your wrap session.

Dolly

Good to hear your MRI was clear.

Teresa what an incredible quilt. You must love to wrap it around your shoulder and always have him close to you

Beautiful quilts! I wish I could sew. I still have some of the boys clothes I saved to have quilts made. Your daughter is Beautiful! What an awesome talent!

Adrianne, We have been freezing on the east coast with storm after storm.  Now here comes another one.  Sunday/Monday calling for another 6-12 inches.   Brrrrr

My daughter didn't sew the quilts she had them made. I can share where she had it done if anyone wants to do the same.  Michael loved his jerseys, most of them he got right from the teams. I didn't want to just pack them away, I couldn't give them away and after my daughter walked in my room and saw them spread on the bed with me spread on top of them crying she came up with the idea.  At first the thought of someone cutting up his shirts was too much for me, so she took them when I was looking.  I'm soooo glad she did.  I love them! 

As soon as I saw the quilts you were the first ones I shared them with.  You guys/ladies are with me all day everyday. 

For those who might want to do the same with clothing you can't let go of......My daughter had the quilts done through campusquilts.com. 

Oh Teresa the quilts are beautiful and the thought that Michael is hugging on you when you wrap yourself in that comfort is just so awesome. Thank you for sharing them with us. I send hugs to everyone. 

Hello everyone. Well LA is finally getting some WEATHER. Big rain overnight and tonight. ope it doesn't flood. Dolly I wanted to tell you that I am so happy you received what seems to me a message from Brandon. You have been praying for it and you found it. Sometimes I think when I look the hardest you don't see them but when you are truly surrendered to what is, you can see those gifts from Spirit. I hope that is has helped you feel more hopeful and renewed your faith that you will see him again. It's all that keeps me going. Also hope they find the root of your physical problems. Could be candidae. Once I had to take the Diflucan for a solid month for a fingernail fungus! Maybe even some sort of allergy or drug reaction. Jeez I am so sorry you have suffered so long with this.

Teresa - thank you for the quilt info. I have been saving t-shirts all my life of places I've visited or sang at a with the intention of putting them on a wall. Now I will have those made into a blanket or quilt as well as Daniel's tees and jerseys. I can't wait. But I do have the same sad feelings as you did about cutting them up....

So many posts to catch up on.  I was thinking this morning of messaging Anne to ask about fear.  I didn't want to post it on here so as not to cause anyone stress, but since the topic came up I did want to ask if this seems like a normal reaction to our loss.  I didn't fear it in the beginning but as time is passing I am now feeling this fear for my daughters and grandchildren.  I do not want this to be a part of my life, and I wouldn't want anyone else having it in their life.  Don't we already have enough?  I'm not sure I know the difference between worry and fear in this area of my life as Anne put it.

Dolly, it's so good to read that you see some improvement, and the MRI came back positive.  I pray that the blood work will finally give you some answers and some healing.  Hang in there.

Teresa, thank you for sharing your quilts.  They are magnificent.  I pray that yours will give you much comfort.  Just being able to have something that meant so much to your Michael is a blessing.
I have wanted to have that done since the first year.  Mainly for my granddaughter, but as I told you before, my daughter came here the next day after and she said we have to get rid of his things.  My mind wasn't functioning correctly (as I'm sure you all know) and I let her bag up his things.  Mostly his dirty clothes that were in his laundry basket, but I didn't let her take his jeans/shorts and some of his T-shirts that were in the drawers.  And the strange thing is that for some reason I remembered one of his favorite T-shirts that she had put in the bag and I made my husband go get it out of the trash.  Oh, how I wish I would have made him take the whole bag out.   (⌣̩̩́_⌣̩̩̀)

My heart is aching , aching, aching..it never stops aching and I am so tired.

Dolly, neem oil works better than neem soap.. Lovely quilt.. reading all that you all write here and just feel so sad that we have this reality to live with.

It still is very sweet Teresa that your daughter did that for you! That's some kind of love!