HAPPY BIRTHDAY DON!

What a beautiful picture of you and Mike Teresa. Happy Birthday Donny.

We are having a blizzard here in Vermont 15" and still snowing. I love it that my husband always picks these weekends to go away and leave me here to shovel out by myself. 

Teresa, Adrianne, thinking of you both and special prayers for you and all my friends here.Your children are with you..Don and Mike a very very happyy birthday..you are loved so so much by us. 

sooooo lovely Dolly :)

Happy Birthday to Don and Michael and love to their moms and family. Dolly love all your pics

Hugs and Prayers for all my friends here. 

Adrianne & Teresa, I know how hard these special days are but I wish with all my heart that you were able to have some Birthday Blessings from sweet memories of times and love that you shared together.

Hugs to all. 

Teresa, I'll be lighting a candle for Michael too. I love your picture.

Sending love to everyone here.

Davi, I like the verse you posted.  We need to cling to God during these times.  I believe we need to grieve, but He is able to bring some comfort.  I wouldn't have made it the first year if I didn't seek comfort  from His word.

Blessings to you and all the moms.

Happy Birthday Don. Teresa, those are beautiful pictures. Thanks for sharing.

Well here it is Valentines Day. I wouldn't mind having my valentines here with me. I know that won't happen, but I can dream if I want too! I hope you all have a moment or two of feeling loved. Strange that Love is why we hurt so much.  

Happy Birthday Michael! You are Loved! Teresa I hope today as hard as it is, also brings you the comfort of knowing that your son Loves you! Peace to you today, and always.

I almost forgot to mention that I loved all the pictures/graphics.

Dear Adrianne, we have a lot more than death in common. We have life, and out of all painful things also come the good. I have come to realize how much all of you have helped me deal with my own grief. Because of all of you past, present, and future, I have learned valuable knowledge that I use everyday to not only survive, but to heal what can be healed. Yes we do have the deaths of our children in common, and most of us probably wouldn't of even known the other existed without that common bond, but since we didn't get a choice in the death part its nice to know we have a choice as to how we deal with it, and helping each other on this journey is much better than treading this painful path alone. I have been walking this journey for a long time, and nobody wants to talk about it the way you all do here. Reading, and responding to all of you has been a gift I couldn't find anywhere else. This site has set me free, and taught me how to allow myself to let out the bad along with the good. I believe our pain is pretty much the same, but each of our journeys is different, and I have become a better person because of our common bonds, and our differences. Not to mention the healing that has taken place for me through all of you. I believe that God did not do this to any of us. However I also believe that we were brought together after the fact for a reason. To help each other. You are all very precious, and very brave for helping others especially when your hurting, and grieving yourself. Peace, and Love to all!

Thinking of you all as another day draws near to a close.
Another snowy day here for us.  Seems like it's never going to end.

Teresa, thanks for sharing your pics of Michael & you.  How did you do yesterday?    Were you able to get out or were you also snowed in?  I hope you didn't have to spend the day alone.

I found the prayer that Angie wrote.  I could so relate to the feelings she expressed in it.  Do you?

The Griever's Prayer

Dear God,

Please hear my prayer
my body is numb
and my mind is racing.
My heart is shattered
and my world upside down.
I am hopeless and scared.
So many memories but yet not enough.
The world keeps moving and I am frozen.
I feel connected to nothing and no one.
There are many around me,
but the one I desire is not here.
I feel cold, lost and purposeless.
I'm so tired but am unable to sleep.
Please hold me, hold me tight.
The color of my world is gone.
I cry out to you in despair.
Oh God! Why?
Please God I will try to rest,
close my eyes,
find courage to fight another day.
Find purpose in my life.
Find hope again.
Please hear my prayer...

That is a beautiful prayer! I have read a few poems, writings, and prayers, but some leave me shaking my head. This one that Ammy posted was so truthful. Raw and honest. Thanks, I really liked it! It reminded me of the strength, and courage it takes to get back up time after time. I have never had such pain, and sadness in my life till my little boy died. Some days when things get rough I can hardly believe my family, and I made it through. Certainly not unscathed or  unchanged but none the less through most of the worst of it. I think it the deaths of my sons will always be something my family, and I will have to work on. It get's overwhelming because sometimes it feels like you get one thing straightened out, and something else comes up. I guess it's what they call a work in progress. Goodnight to all

Ammy, the poem says it all.  Thank you for sharing it.

Thank you for asking how I survived on Michael's birthday.  The snow changed my plans.  I spent the morning crying my eyes out no matter how hard I tried not to.  My sister's and friends were calling, texting and posting.  It broke my heart but warmed it at the same time. 

I also discovered I have a new good friend.  A former co-worker knew because of the snow I wasn't able to go to my mom's so she came over and suggested we go to lunch.  I knew she was doing it just to keep me distracted and from being alone.  I so appreciate her for doing that. 

I made it, it was painful, but I made it.  I made it because of the support that I receive here and from family and friends.  Adrianne I couldn't help but think of you...HUGS.

I just miss him so bad, just like all of you miss your child too.  My heart is bleeding, but I'm ok. 

Teresa, that was so nice of your friend..its just so painful that whatever one does on birthdays and other important days nothing really lifts the heavy achy feeling but I am so glad you could get some feelings of warmth. Dolly your pictures really brighten up my spirits , Thanks for all the trouble everyone takes to post and are their thoughts, it helps so much . Love you all. Ammy the poem expressed everything we all feel. Anne you are right, I think we all are a work in progress, but the process is so damn painful. Connie how are you doing? Has your arm healed?xoxoxoxo

Thank you Ammy for the beautiful poem. Teresa I am so happy your friends and family came through for you.  Today is a rough for me tomorrow it will be six months since Kyra died. I went to church this morning and then to visit a friend in the hospital. She has pneumonia and fell in her house while sick.  It felt good to help and cheer up someone else.  My husband will be home tonight and I am happy. Being alone through two wild snow storms has been unnerving. I have spent most of my time alone shoveling snow and hauling wood to feed the stove. I am so happy we did not lose electricity. Since getting home from town I have been crying and so lonely. I can't seem to cry in front of anyone so today it is all flowing out of me.  I wish I could talk to my other daughter about I am feeling but I know she doesn't want me to go there with her.  I know everyone grieves differently but to not get comfort from your family is so isolating.  I can't stop grieving about Kyra and our family's lost future. She will have no wedding or children but maybe that was my dream for her. This first year is unbearable but I am having periods of stability and not feeling guilt ridden. Reading about the afterlife, meditating, exercise, and church are giving me hope. What do all of you do when you fall back in the pit. I still can't completely grasp that I will not see her again and when those thoughts happen I fall completely apart. I will go out for a walk in the bright sunshine on the snow. Thank you all for being here and guiding each other through our sorrows. Peace and hugs to everyone  Love Lynn

Dolly your picture of blue pansey's coming through the snow warms my heart Thank you.

Dear Lynn, You will see Kyra again! I truly believe that we will all see our loved ones again! God has never made a promise he didn't keep! When I fall into the pit first I scream my head off, then I cry for a while, then I pray. I don't fall into the pit as often any more, and when I do it doesn't seem as bad as the time before. But when it happens after I'm done pitching a fit, I just talk to my boys. I don't care if they can hear me or not because it doesn't matter much anymore. Also I just keep reminding myself that God did not do this to me. It helps me climb out of the pit a little faster.

Teresa, big milestone for you! This whole thing sucks no matter how you look at it, but you faced one of the hardest days. Birthdays are always tough, and you have faced another. Michael must be smiling from heaven!

Dolly all the pictures you post of Brandon he is always smiling! His happy smile warms my heart!

Peace to all!

Hi everyone. Thanks for tho poem Ammy. I think we all feel like that at some point. Thanks for everyone here. Today I just have no words but such gratitude for all of yours. Being able to connect and support each other is a lifeline. When I feel this sad, all I can do is try to remember and be grateful for who I still have and pray through the tears. Lynn - I will be thinking of you and Kyra tomorrow.

Dolly - beautiful pic - hope you are feeling better. (((  )))

Lynn we not only grieve the lost of our children but I think we grieve the loss of their futures as well. 

HUGS HUGS AND MORE HUGS TO YOU AND KYRA!

The morning of Michael's service I ran into a store to get sunglasses to hide my eyes as I was running back to the car a man came up to me and handed me a small piece of paper and walked away.  Because of the state I was in I obviously put it in my handbag and forgot about it.  Well I came across it yesterday....

Here's what was written on it:

John 3:16

God so loved the world that he gave his only son to whomever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life!

Wow Teresa, reminds me of the time when I was in India in the school and taking rounds during the break, when two boys were looking at a slip of paper. I was wondering what they are seeing and I said , 'what's that , may I see it?" The piece of paper just had "MICKY" written on it. I had just finished a class about Charlie Chaplin and his mother and we were all a little teary eyed. I was astonished and asked whether there was anyone named Micky or a nickname for any boy in the school..They said "no" and then asked me , but who is Micky? I was too emotional for any long drawn out answer and just said," well , thats a long story" and went to the restroom to bawl my eyes out , but I so strongly felt at that time that my son was telling me that he is always there and his mummy will always be with him... I miss him so so so much and many times a day if i think that I will never see my darling again, I get shaky and just want the door bell to ring and him standing there with his smile and kind beautiful eyes  saying " ok I'm home.".. what do I do with this reality?:(

That's exactly how I feel Vasanthi. You just can't let your mind stay there. It's too hard to think of all of this grief for the rest of our lives and never seeing them again as that human being. So I believe all our children are still with us in another form and they send us these signs that remind us of that when we are at our lowest. I'm always glad to hear of these communications from others - it always helps to reaffirm my faith.

Lynn - I planted some flowers today and thought of Kyra and her farming. It's the first time I've really felt like gardening since Daniel passed except the tree and bed we planted at his school. I felt him smiling. He knows how much I love gardening and he was happy to see me doing it again. It helps me feel connected to him and the universe.

I am praying for some early spring weather for all of you trapped in that darn polar vortex!! My family in South Carolina and Georgia have been unusually slammed with snow. It's crazy. I know it must make it harder to deal with the grief. (((   )))

Teresa and Vasanthi, those are wonderful messages from heaven!

I feel myself in a place that I don't like. I feel like I'm somehow pulling away from Chris, like I did when my mother died when I was a kid. I don't want to do that. Next month will be the one year anniversary and I can absolutely NOT believe it. I know I don't want to believe it. It still all feels so unreal.

Love and prayers to all.

Snowed again!  I can't wait for Spring to get here.

My daughter is having a little melt down of her own.  I think she feels it is her responsibility to take care of me and her dad and I think she tries to fill the void.  I think she has reached a point where she is melting down.  I tried to tell her she can't fill that void or be Michael. I wish I knew how to stop her from feeling this is her responsibility.  With Michael gone she is now an only child and thinks it is all up to her now. 

Isn't that something Vasanthi? I swear the signs come when we need them the most. 

As crumbled as it is I'm holding on to that little piece of paper as a reminder.  Right now I need to hold onto my faith.  I will see my Michael again. 

Michelle isn't it something how time just goes right by.  We feel like a minute passed only to realize it's been a year. 

Connie, plant a bulb for me because I wish I could go out into the garden.  Gardening is like therapy for me.

Yea, I know Michael is gone but I keep waiting for him too. 

Oh Dolly I am feeling the same way. Me and my husband are trying to "get our marriage right" and in turn that means I have to get myself right but in the mean time I feel like if GOD changes me for the better somehow I will be leaving Dylan behind, and the outside world will see this grieving mother not even 6 months after his death "moving on" and that makes me want to stay in this rut. My husband says I want to be this way (all sad and mopey) I don't really but then I am back to worrying what the general world will think. I want to sleep all the time hoping that I might hear his voice or see his face in more than a picture and I don't get that and it makes me even more sad. Well I know I am rambling but I have just been so upset for like the last 5 days I guess some of the numbness is going away. I have always known this was real but it just seems this week its really real you know. Thank you to EVERYONE here 

Davi, please don't worry about the outside world. Our world crashed, how can we be 'normal'? It is the time to grieve and we are grieving, we can't just plug it up and say, oh ok these things happen! The loss of a child, our babies, the light of our lives, in every heartbeat they are there and will always be there..no one can take away the love..like Dolly says on this sorry earth we are left to grapple with something so horrifying that its better to die that live through this for as long as we live...its an awful thought and one that throws me in deep deep sorrow, to not be able to talk, laugh, hold his hand and smooth his brow.. god knows how but we have to pull along otherwise God would have taken us too... don'y worry about what people say , 'moving on' as they say will be a natural process and it cant be rushed or hurried up or delayed..first and foremost we are each connected to God, and however much it puzzles us, God will always be there as He is Love itself and Love isn't cruel.. our children are loved beyond measure and I beg of the Lord to keep them happy beyond measure.

Okay - sending you all a little springtime. I planted one for everyone I think! Still a bit messy but brightens up the front yard

For all of our angels...

So sweet Connie thank you its beautiful

 "its better to die that live through this"

this is how I feel all the time.

this is not living.

I can't wait to leave this "sorry earth".

My only son was shot in the head above his left eyebrow 9/30/2012. My son went to a girl house he knew to get his things. The girl (Charly) told MOBILE, ALABAMA POLICE detective that they were playing with gun and my son shot himself. The oldest lie in history. I WILL ALWAYS BELIEVED HE WAS MURDERED.
MOBILE ALABAMA POLICE DEPARTMENT IS THE WORST My son Timothy Jr. Birthday is September 21. He is 21 years old NOW.

Dolly thank you for sharing those words. I just did not know how to put it into words how I have been feeling but you just did. Thank you again. hugs and prayers to lift you all up today.

Very sweet pic Dolly

Anniversary of Branden's passing in a week. You would think that by now I would not be so affected but wrong. It hurt's so much especially now even more so since I just lost another son and my husband just a few months ago. This pain is making me not want to even come out of my room. I feel like I am just in a replay all the time.  I feel so done now. Just wish I could be with them.

How many of you live like this?  Some days I'm so weary from wearing my mask.

Theresa,

Losing three beloved family members in such a short time is incomprehensible. It is so understandable that getting out of bed everyday is near impossible.   Its remarkable and shows what inner strength you have to be able to reach out to others on this website.

I hope you have loving friends or family to just sit and be with you.  I am so sorry for your losses. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Hugs and kindness Lynn 

Theresa, I too am so sorry for all of the pain you have had to endure.I hope we can at least give you some support . Sending you love and prayers.

Ammy - yes that damn mask - this whole process makes me very weary.

Thank all for your comments I do appreciate you. It just seems as if when I think I am getting better I crash again. I really really do not want to be here right now. I my heart and my body just hurts so much it is pretty much unbearable at this stage.

Theresa, it is such a difficult time and I am really sorry for this whiplash of pain that you are facing,,,sending you love and prayers...