Dolly use Neem Oil to apply anywhere on the skin and neem tablets too if you get them here.. that takes care of anything to do with the skin and purifies the internal pollutants too..

A prayer for Uncle Curtis.  HUGS

Dolly stop saying Brandon doesn't need you anymore.  That is not true.  You were his mom and will continue to be his mom. He has not left your side nor will he. 

You know I won't lie when Michael first left I thought of the ones who were out there doing risky things and thought why wasn't it them instead of my Michael.  Why my Michael who was a hard worker, loved his family and made a difference in other people's lives?  I don't feel as though God did this to him or me but I feel like he is the one holding me up through it. 

Tomorrow they are calling for more snow. I really hope not because snow or not I'll be heading to PA to go to Mary Jo's funeral.  Her and Peter stood by me and I'm determined to stand by them.

Laurie, that woman lives in her own hell.

Laurie I have asked all of those same questions a million times myself. I don't know any of the answers, but I do know God didn't do this to me, and I know if he could've helped all of us he would. I don't understand much of it, but I know what's in my heart, and I remember everything I have been through, and I do my best to learn a little something from all of it. You have a right to ask all of those questions. Some can be answered, and some cannot. However from my own experience those questions that are unfruitful or don't have a reason I can understand don't mean so much to me anymore. I almost drove myself nuts with questions that no one could answer. I have never been a very accepting kinda person. I always believed I could fix anything from the toilet to broken hearts. Then my child died. I couldn't fix a thing anymore. I couldn't even stop others from taking over our lives, and hurting us. I wanted answers, and I wanted them right now. I didn't get them. What I did get was a lot of pain, and heartache. I think we all go through that in this instance. When the questions, pain, and confusion begin to subside, and I believe they do, I started to figure out what was important, and what I couldn't do anything about. It was a slow hard process, but it did happen. The second time around was just as painful, but different because of what I learned the first time. There was no way anyone was going to tell me how, when, where, and why I will grieve. I know that strength came from God. I know this because I'm still here. Call me crazy but over the years I have learned much about my heart, and soul. Not because I wanted too, but because I believe it comes with the territory. Sometimes I still wish life hadn't of happened the way it did, but since it was out of my control

I decided to do my best to deal with it.

Prayers for Uncle Curtis.

I hope you are all having a peaceful weekend. I am sitting here with my dogs just hanging out thinkin about all of you. I wish I had a magic wand so I could give all of you a day off from grief. Peace and Love

Dolly, take a deep breath my friend. You need to find a way to calm yourself. Illness is part of grief I'm sad to say. Sounds like your very frustrated in which you have every right to be, but maybe you just need some peace, and quiet. As for Brandon, of course he needs you. A child needs their mother here on earth, and in the heavens. God needs you even more. God needs you to spread all of that love that you have inside you. He needs you to comfort others who also have no choice in this matter. Dolly you are loved and needed more than you'll ever know. I'm glad your getting things off your chest.

Dolly _ I am so sorry for your loss of Uncle Curtis. I will be sending you  and your family love and prayers. Dolly have they given you Diflucan fo an extended time? Fungal infections can be hard to deal with and That usually works. Also you could be having some reaction to or drug interaction to an ingredient in something you are taking.  And if you don't have one, I would highly recommend a whole house water filter so you control whatever is being absorbed through your skin. Sorry you are suffering so much.

Hugs to everyone here today

I had an Uncle Curtis too...

Adrianne, a resounding Yes!  In 2010 my sibling group decided to have a sibling reunion in California at a spa some of the older ones would go to for winters.  I was so excited since I had never been there and one of my sisters I had only seen a handful of times in 30 years.  A few weeks before I was to leave I started to feel really weird.  I could not put my finger on what it was.  On my last day of work I broke down crying with a friend telling her I felt like the world was going to end, not like a wonderful reunion was about to happen.  I did go on the trip.  It took the whole day to get to our destination and we stayed up late visiting and I didn't turn my cell phone on.  The next morning the phone call finally got through to me that my son Karl had died through the night and his wife found him still sitting in his chair the next morning.  The morning I was flying away on my big deal reunion.  One of the first people on scene to help my daughter in law was a victim service councillor, who happened to be the friend I broke down with a week before.  We never really talked about that whole thing other than one time after I had flown home she hugged me and whispered in my ear we should have listened to my intuition.  I know we cant live in constant fear that something bad is going to happen, but I sure wish I could go back and listen to my little voice.   

Adrianne, I wouldn't say it was a feeling of something wrong but the last morning as he was getting ready to go to the doctor we were talking and when I looked at him there was what I call a glow about his face.  I kept telling him how good he looked.  I must have said it a half dozen times or more.  He finally got embarrassed and said something about how it was probably because he got a good night's sleep.  I have often thought about that.  It had never happened before and as I look back now I take it as a blessing that God gave me to remember how I felt looking at him that morning and how good he looked.

We're being hammered with another snowstorm today.  I am so ready for a change in seasons even though I know that every new season brings more pain again for awhile.

Blessings to all.  You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Kyra's accident was caused by someone driving over a tire shred in front of her and it bounced up and smashed her windshield causing the crash. Two days before her Dad and I were driving on the highway and a few large rocks fell out of a gravel truck next to us and cracked the windshield. A preview of what was to come for my daughter.   

I had a sense of doom for over a year, before my son's death even when things were getting better. I just couldn't shake it and did feel him slipping away in a way that's hard to explain.

Michele thanks for the Birthday wishes. Yesterday was my husband's and it is just so hard to celebrate.

Laurie - I think lost at sea is right. We definitely become different people than we were before. But I believe our children are with us to help get us through the vastness and bring us to little islands of rest and hope. But it's a long way to the mainland!

Wishing everyone some peace today. OX

There was nothing any of you could've done to stop what's happened to your children. Everyone has a premonition or two on occasion. The thing is that if you live with that kind of fear or regret your not living much at all. No one has the power to predict the future except God, and even He can't change what's already happened. Life can't be lived on intuition and premonition. Sometimes you might be right, and sometimes your wrong. We would all like to think we had that kind of power, but we don't. When my Ben was deployed to Iraq I had all of those feelings. I about drove myself nuts worrying that he would die over there. Then I saw an episode of The Waltons. The mother had a miscarriage. She was sad, and fearful. She thought that it was her fault it happened. She thought that maybe if she had done things different or maybe saw it coming she could've done something about it. Then Grandpa Walton said to her, "You must hold yourself pretty high up that you think you have that kind of power to make things happen or not" It got me thinking about myself. I am but a simple human. I cannot predict the future. I do not have the power to turn around things I have no control over. Only God can do that, and he has his reasons why he either does or doesn't step in. When Ben came home from the war I thought I was in the clear. After all the worry, and all of the waiting for the other shoe to drop, I thought I was in the clear. One year later Ben was gone at the hands of a careless driver. Proof that I had no control over who lives and who doesn't. I don't live with that fear anymore. That fear almost killed me. I still pay attention to my feelings about things. I still get those intuitions that come and go, but life can't be lived in fear. Intuition and premonition is a part of life, but they can mean many things, and they can be caused by many things. You can beat yourself up all over the place with the should've, could've would've, and none of it will change a thing. As life goes on one learns the difference between the things you can change, and the things you can't. I do my best to change the things I can, and I leave the things I can't change up to God. Peace and love to all today!

Anne, I have to agree with you.  After all the questioning I realized the same thing.  It's all in God's hands and we can not know His mind, but one day I'm sure He will let us know why we all had to go through this, or maybe by then it won't matter why.  

Peace & love to you and everyone here.

Anne & Ammy I agree.

I can't let go of my faith, for me to do that is to say Michael's not in heaven and I won't even entertain that thought.

Adrianne, I didn't have any clue what was coming my way.  If anything for some reason, even though we talked all the time, I felt like the mom of the year after my conversation with Michael.  Not knowing he was laying on his apartment floor all weekend I went to work Monday telling the girls how much my son loved me. My world was crushed.

I try to focus on I had that phone call. I spoke to him right before he left.  I can't torture myself on could I have known because if I could have I obviously would have made the outcome different, but as Anne said, you can't focus on what you didn't have control of.

For my friends on the East Coast....stay warm!

I am so emotionally drained. 

Right now everyone is coming at me with their problems.  I'd just wish they would realize I'm the one who needs "me" right now.   

Teresa, I feel like I'm almost always emotionally drained.  I feel like I have too much responsibility for everyone else.  I have to remove myself to seclusion for a day to recoup.  Maybe you need to do the same.

We got hit really hard with the storms, but blessed that we did not lose our power as so many others did.  Over 850,000.  We do have about 12 trees down though and there is no let up for this cold weather in the forecast.  Just more snow coming.  This surely does not help with mental/emotional health.

I woke this morning with a horrible pain in my left arm.  Could not move it for over an hour.  Normally I would just suck it up but I broke down and cried and once I start to cry then everything hits full force.  I want my son.  I need him.  

Take care of yourself.  All of you.  Blessings & peace.

Your right because when Michael died a piece of me died.  All I do is think about him and what he "would" be doing.  I miss my conversations with him, his smile, his bear hugs and even his teasing.  I use to hate when he would lean his arm on my head and laugh about me being so short but now I'd give anything to have that arm on my head.  There's days I feel like I can't breathe.

I find myself hiding the grief.  Problem is the more I hold it in the sicker I feel.  

Ammy we were lucky, we got the rain while everyone north was hit with the snow. We're still cold over here but the rain washed away most of the snow. 

I made plans to spend Michael's birthday with my mom and a friend.  this is what I'm doing to try and keep myself off the bathroom floor.  I told them both I can't make any promises as to how I will be.  I'm already having anxiety.  My heart is just so broken.  I feel so hurt to the core.  

Ammy I'm with you I WANT MY SON! There is no life for me without him.  I just exist! 

I too am having a difficult day with grief and have been crying on and off for two hours now. I still have a cough and cold and it is freezing outside.  It will be 6 months on the 17th since Kyra passed, and I feel so lonely.  My husband is okay but he was in a accident which just about totaled the truck.  We are down to one vehicle for another week and he took the my car this morning.  Its not like I was going to go out but not having the option to, is hard for me.  We live in a rural area and with the winter comes cabin fever. I am just feeling sorry for myself but some days I can hold up and others i am reduced to a puddle.  I guess this is one of them.  Teresa and  Adrianne thinking of you both.  I wish we could all meet and talk once a week.  The aloneness is the hardest for me but I need to be away from people so I can let all these emotions out. I talked to my other daughter two days ago on the phone.  She is 23 but lives over 2000 miles away.  I wish my kids stayed closer to Vermont.  You want them to be independent but when you get older you need to have them in your life more.  I know this is just my grief talking because if Kyra were still a phone call away I would be fine. Sorry for ranting I just needed someone who is going through this to listen, Love Lynn 

Sending love and prayers to everyone. I share all of these feelings you all speak of. The missing them just cuts like a knife.

Lynn SO sorry about your husband's accident. That must have been so scary for you. Glad he's okay. Wish I could come there and give you a big hug and keep you company! Hugs to all

I too am sending Peace and Prayers to everyone. It must be the week. I too have been missing my boys a lot. I knew Garth Brooks was going to be on the last Jay Leno show so I purposely did not turn the channel to it. Then my husband came in and changed the channel and there was Garth Brooks singing The Dance. Every lyric hit me like a brick in the face. All the memories of Bens funeral came flooding back. I sobbed harder than I have sobbed in a long time. I just fell apart. It brought me back to that very dark time. Then I was channel surfing and there was a person who had been burned in a car accident and they showed all of it. Once again I thought I was having a heart attack. Needless to say I haven't had a good nights sleep since. These are some of the hardest things about grief. There's always something to either remind me of it all or brings me back to it. I get mighty exhausted dealing with life some days. The one thing I always look forward to is that tomorrow just might be better. You don't know what tomorrow will bring, but there's nothing wrong with hoping that it will be bettr than today.

Dolly, don't worry to much about your faith. It will come back when your ready to receive it. For now it's ok that you don't feel it. You as we all do have many things on your mind, and your faith will wait for you. Much peace to you!

There's just no way of stopping the wondering of what might've been. I find myself doing it more because winter has been so harsh. I don't dare cry outside because I'm pretty sure my tears would freeze to my face! This might sound a bit crazy, but it did feel good after the big sobbing cry. It almost feels like a bit of weight gets lifted off of me. I'm always afraid that if I start crying that I won't be able to stop, but I have and I think I'm kind of cried out for now. Tomorrow is Sunday, and I think I am going to hibernate for the day. No special reason. I'm just tired out. Mentally, and physically so I think I'll give myself the day off. I've been having some severe panic attacks the last few days which is unusual for me, but I think I just need to be alone in peace and quiet. I need 3 different serious operations, and I cant get up the courage to have even 1. I am a big scared baby. I don't know why they just can't do it all at once and get it over with. I have been joking about it for a couple of weeks, but the truth is I'm pretty scared because I'm afraid of the mental challenge that comes with illness. I find the grief is harder to deal with when my body is down. Imagine all the things I have been through in life and I still get scared when I'm either hurt or sick. Some big brave woman I am! Peace, Love and Prayers to all. I hope next week will be a better week for all of us. Hang in there everyone!

Dolly - yes plant it outside in the spring. Just remember it will lose all of it's flowers and leaves and appear to be on it's way out. Not true!! It is just resting. If you out a penny in with the plant it will become more vibrant blue. Thank God I love to garden - it helps me decompress and just be. Maybe you should start a small indoor garden with little pots. O at least herbs in the kitchen. I find that now that i don't have my child to nurture that I can nurture the earth, and it in turns nurtures me. Today's has been a tough one. Starting crying at the Ashrama service because of the deep and moving talk and that has evidently unleashed the flood gates. Peace to everyone. (((   )))

Vasanthi - thinking of you and holding you in my heart

A Picture Of You

I have cried more today than I have since after the funeral..... Its a very tough Monday today.... My car broke down this morning, things are breaking down at work and I am the only one to fix it, I am physically breaking down I fell like, I don't even want to know what else....... I hope everyone has a good day *HUGS*

Thank you Lynn, yes I will be so glad when all this dreary cold goes away... Were in for more crap weather tonight we are 2 months in and I just feel so lost. My mom keeps calling me to check on me and I answer but then I wonder why I am so sick of people worrying about me I will either be ok or I won't but that for me no body else, I know she means well and I should not be so ugly to her she is also hurting I mean he was her first grandson she helped me raise him for the first 4 years of his life but I just can't take it. I truly hope that after some years this becomes a little easier, cause right now I just don't want to wait and see but I know all to well that ending life is not the answer GOD has a plan because he let me live 3 years ago but that does not mean I have to like it..... My husband is telling me that my negative thoughts are making me worse ( I have always been a negative person) but right now how can anyone find positive

Beautiful poem Tresa. Thank you for sharing. I don't think I've stop crying since yesterday. I'm reverting back to feeling like if I had done things differently Daniel would still be here. I feel let him down,. I don't know how to stop feeling guilty about anything I could have done differently. I can intellectualize it and say there's nothing I could have done. But how do I know? I never will and I'll never have a change to make it right. It's all in God's hands and I hope he will guide me to some sort of peace. Because right now I can't forgive myself and don't know how to start. I have repressed this all year, trying to come to some understanding in order to continue living and I think I have made progress. But then wham! it hits me like a slap in the face. Oh please, I want my baby back and I promise I'll do things better or different this time. If only we could have a do-over. I have to just apply what I've learned to those that I love who are still here. But there's such a giant hole in my heart.

Oh Connie sending hugs your way cause we both need them right now 

Hugs to all of you today!

Teresa, what a lovely poem..it says it all..hugs to everyone.. had been away or a week.

Dolly - first of all so sorry you are still suffering with that ringing! And yes they might lose their leaves while still indoors. I'm not exactly sure of the cycle especially in that climate , but mine are just now getting some leaves back but they are outside all year (sorry :) You can check online for your climate zone. They like part shade. Hope their flowers cheer you up! Hugs to everyone.

I'm with you Connie.  I'm feeling like I'm hitting bottom again.  The closer Michael's birthday gets the more emotional I'm becoming.  Even though Michael's last words were, "don't you ever get it wrong your number one and you'll always be number one" I'm feeling like a failure of a mom.  I wasn't there when he needed me the most.  He laid there all weekend alone waiting to be discovered.  My baby laid on that floor all alone and died alone.  I'd give anything to change places with him. How do I continue to work with families and children and I couldn't protect my own? 

Thinking of all of you and praying for peace and acceptance however hard it may be ... Dolly did you try the neem oil for the skin?it is very effective so try and get it if you can. love to all.. Connie I know exactly how you feel and often wish I could just be with you all and share everything . Visited old friends in Maryland and it felt nice butkept my son's big picture in the bedroom where I slept so that I wouldn't feel too lost..it helped.. i would talk to him at night and somehow wish I could do it loudly and with everyone present. I find myself furtive while talking and hate that and no one has ever said don't talk to him but I also know that if I do it with anyone else in the room it will probably stun them!

Thanks to everyone here for your support. Sometimes there is just no where else to go and vent. Altho I know that people all around me are mourning (we never know other's stories) I feel so alone in my grief. There are no words that most folks can understand -or want to - and I get it. I never would let myself imagine the worst while Daniel was alive.

But sometimes I would like it if I could just let it all out when the question comes "So how are you doing?"

Hugs to everyone. You are all always in my heart. I pray that we all can find some peace and live in a way that makes our angels proud.

I just had a big cry. My god when those waves hit it is hard to cope.  I was on facebook and saw an event invite on a friends page for Kyra's memorial service in Montana last August.  I then went out to get the mail and my daughter Genna sent me a package. It had some clothes she doesn't need and things of Kyra's. There were a pair of clogs that were originally mine that I had giving Kyra when she had little money.  They are falling apart because she wore them everyday  but I can't throw them out. I craddled them in my arms and just sobbed. She would probably still be wearing them if she was still alive.should be thrown out  I don't what I would do if I didn't have you all here to listen.  Connie and everyone hugs how is everyone doing today.  

Adrianne, tomorrow I will be thinking of you and Don.  My plan was to go to my mother's but it looks like the weather is going to prevent that from happening.  I don't know what plan B is.  Last year I spent it curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor.  I can't do that again. I don't know how I am going to distract myself being trapped in the house.  MICHAEL PLEASE COME HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want someone to go to heaven and tell him he needs to come home because his mom needs him. 

Adrianne, I will be thinking of you and Don on Friday and will light a candle just for him. It seems like an especially hard time for everyone right now. You are all in my heart.

Dolly -if your flowers are shriveling and dropping off, it's just their time even though it looks like it's dying - they will still come back in the summer after you plant it. Don't over water. Hydrangeas are like life - so lush and beautiful, but then they suddenly change. The good news is, with faith, care and time, they will flower again and again. Get an orchid - they last for months!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE! MOMMY LOVES YOU!!