Dear Jane,

I wish I could make it go away for you. Heck for all of us. I don't think your losing your grip. Your hurting, and in deep sorrow. That's not losing your grip that's the grief. 2 or 3 years is not an awful long time for grieving. I found that it took that long just for me to even think about or want to be alive. That's why allowing yourself time to grieve, and time for your heart to begin to heal is so important. We don't have to follow anyone's grief timeline, just our own, and however long it takes is up to us. We didn't get a choice as far as the deaths of our children, but we sure as heck have the right choose how, when, and how much time we need to deal with it. Guess I'm feeling a bit aggressive today. I'm just tired of others thinking they have the right to judge, and make the rules for those of us walking in these shoes. Peace!

Not silly at all Michelle. Not silly at all!

Thank you Anne.

Good advice!

Perhaps I am expecting too much of myself.

I will slow it down a bit.

Dear Jane

Ann is right - you are not losing your grip. We have all lost our children, part of us and our own lives the way they once were. I am so sorry for your deep sorrow and not being able to find support locally. I hope you can find some comfort here. Perhaps you could find some peace by taking a meditation class. If there's not someone in your town, there are many options online. Just an idea... it helps me when I'm really down.

Ann - I had the very similar experience with my only voice mail from my son. I thought I had lost it when I upgraded my phone and was absolutely devastated and sobbed in the Verizon store. BUT they were able to retrieve it and I still have it now on my computer. I'm not ready to get rid of it even though I don't listen to it often, I'm still holding on to that sweet voice. I am missing him so much today. I had another dream about him last night and feel like I had a visit. Still can't believe I will never see him again...

Connie, you just hang on to that message as long as you need to. It is special!

Okay I saw the Subaru commercial for the first time about a half hour ago. If they only knew. That's what I call giving false security. I found the commercial very insensitive, and false. I wish I could talk to the PR firm that handles these commercials. I'd have to smack em' upside the head with the truth. Peace to all

What a lovely poem Teresa..

oh yes that commercial stinks.. i hate it fervently every time i see it!

Connie when you feel that it is a visit, I am positive that it is, because of the certainty that it gives and the feeling of glowing love enveloping one..when the yearning reaches its zenith there is always a soothing after that.

Teresa thanks for the beautiful poem (how can I download it from here?)

Dolly thanks for the beautiful pictures.

And Dolly I think you are right that when we leave this body, we are only our purest most love-filled soul consciousness, we have no ties to human ego and negatives emotions.

Love to everyone today.

I would just like to say from my own experience, I couldn't feel my lil Del near me for a very long time. I believe it was because there was so much interference by others. Unasked for, not wanted, definitely not needed, and totally ruining my family interference, and from many people. Anyway I didn't feel him near till Ben died. You see because of all of the terrible interference, it took me a very long time, long time to even begin to be able to think straight enough let alone feel anything but pain, and fear. Actually if I were to sit down with all of you, and tell you about the 9 years that followed after Lil Del was killed in that damn car, you probably would not believe me. Sometimes I can't believe it myself. Everything that was done to me by the medical, physchiatric, and church facilities was wrong. I think what the pastor at our old church did, did the most harm to me and my children, but that's another story. 9 years went by and 19 months of Ben bomb hunting on the front lines in Iraq. I never had time to take care of myself or allow myself the time to grieve because in between being ill, and getting locked up everytime I needed surgery, I was fighting to save what was left of my family. I knew it wasn't going to be easy to put the pieces of our lives back together, but there was no stopping me. Through all of this I thought it was all a punishment from God. I believed I deserved all of it. I was wrong. It wasn't a punishment from God. It was life. It was a human thing. Of course I blamed God. I blamed him a lot. Every once in a while I still catch myself giving God the business for one thing or another! God did not do this to me, and I don't believe for a moment that God does this to anyone. I didn't know it then, but He was at my side through it all holding me up. Right before Ben died I started to feel Lil Del around me. My heart started to feel his smile again. When Ben died I promised him that I would never let anyone get between me and our family again. I was pretty busy with my daughter after Ben died because she was in the ICU after the accident for a month. The hospital is 160mi away from our home so I stayed in the town during this time so my husband could stay at the farm and keep things going. 3 months later when we brought our daughter home from the hospital I decided it was time for me to allow myself the time to grieve, and grieve my way. That was 6 years ago, and to this day I allow myself the time I need, however long that is. I also can feel both boys near me now. When I'm sad I feel their hugs. When I'm happy I feel their smiles. I believe God does that for me. I believe with all of my heart that God gave me the gift of those feelings. I believe He gave it to me when my heart was ready, and my soul was accepting. I just started figuring out some of these things in the last couple of years. I think there is a difference between being ready to receive something good and not being ready. I see it now, but I didn't see it before because I couldn't. I wasn't ready. Does that make any sense? My point is that I believe that when you grieve in your own way and at your own speed, your heart, and soul become ready to receive some good sooner. I do believe that God does this for all of us whether we see or feel it, or not.

Teresa, that is a beautiful poem, thanks! I'm counting on being all together again one day!

Dolly don't give up. I know these feelings, and they will come, and go, but I also know that they will get farther, and farther apart. Your heart, and mind just need a rest. I like to put in one of my favorite movies and try really hard to not think of anything or feel anything. The more I did it the better I got at it. Sometimes your brain and heart just need to think about or feel nothing, even if only for a few minutes. Sometimes I can shut down my brain and my heart through a whole movie. It has really helped me deal with too much stimulus. Peace to you! 

I don't feel as though God did this to me.  I believe the events that took place in Michael's last year here with me were to prepare me for what was coming, I just didn't know it.  I can sit here with no regrets, no bad memories and knowing some of Michael's last words to me were, "Don't you ever get it wrong, your number one, you've always been number one and you will always be number one." 

I believe God and Michael are holding me up.  I know there is a heaven and Michael is in it.  Even if it isn't so, at least I have something to believe in. 

Michael would never leave me, he loves me way too much.  I will never leave him because I love him way to much.  I know Michael is near me.  He holds my hand when I cry, he listens when I pray and he stands beside me each and every day.  I will be ok because he will make sure of it. 

Everyday I would ask Michael what am I suppose to do now?  I know he gave me the strength to do the tournament. It was him pushing me to do it.  The day of the tournament when I noticed the kid who was just like Michael and then it turned out his name was Michael I knew I had done the right thing. 

Hugs to everyone today.

Sometimes I just am not sure if I should say anything because I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride and may not make any sense at all. But Dolly what I have learned through this crushing experience is that fear blocks me from trusting my faith. And then the fear consumed me. Daniel wasn't disabled to the extent Brandon was, but he was certainly disabled to an extent with his Crohn's and subsequent problems from it . The last 3 years of his life were so hard - scary and full of suffering for him physically, psychologically, emotionally. He was in constant pain - then became dependent on the pain killers which spiraled into another problem which almost killed him. I was so scared I didn't know what to do. Now i see that I was just too afraid to do what I should have. My faith was gone - I couldn't understand why all these bad things kept happening to our family. I too turned to self medicating by having a few drinks at night to feel a little better after the stress of the day. Which was such a defeat for me because my father was an alcoholic so I began feeling weaker and weaker and more and more fearful. Instead of setting a strong hopeful example, I was just sort of trying to keep everyone's head above water.  During that awful time, it became so hard for him that he felt no one could help him and no one understood.When he would cry out in agony "Where's your God now, mom?", I got to the point where I didn't even know what to say. I didn't know where he was.

Finally, we found out that the pain meds can create MORE PAIN because your brain remaps and sensitizes receptors that are normally dormant in your body.  So it becomes a Central Nervous System disorder that can't be seen through normal GI tests - so doctors would say it was psychological. Until we found an amazing doc at UCLA that finally explained what was happening and helped him!!! He validated all of the pain Daniel was experiencing and lo and behold got him off pain killers and on a healing track. THEN, I lose him in a stupid stupid car accident that shouldn't have happened.

Faith is a 2 way street I've learned. Only when I lost him did I realize I had been hiding from the truth I've always known. You have it too Dolly. Your soul radiates love for everyone - just from the way you show it to everyone here, I know that. That fact is , it is just human experience like Ann said. Everything that is born, must die. It's not fair that our children went before us. (and we are supposed to learn from it I'm told...)

It's hard to function at all, I know. But I have to keep believing that Spirit will guide me to what I should have been doing all along. And Daniel will be there with me - I have to believe that. My fear didn't stop anything from happening but it did keep me from drawing on my own spiritual strength. I think Daniel's spirit was stronger and had learned his lessons here. Maybe he came to teach me - I don't know. I just know that I have found my faith again because of this truth. My son's spirit is real and blessed and alive so there must be a God. And it's up to us to seek that out with an open heart. It's SO hard and there are times of course that I say (like you said Teresa) that maybe I'm imagining it all - because I hear him talking to me all the time - But it's more than that  - I feel him - I feel Spirit - so I have to try to believe in order to live the rest of my life. Through intense pain and joy (if I find it again) life and death, through every season, it is always there.

And Dolly you are someone whose heart is full of love - trust that love inside of you because I believe that is God.

Sorry for rambling - thanks to all of you hear for your support in  listening...love to each and every one of you trying to walk this rocky road.

Connie, I enjoyed your rambling.

I think it's only natural for us to question our faith?

I questioned after I tried to negotiate with God.  I don't think God is mad at us.  I think he knows better than us the process we have to go through. 

My dad was the youngest of 17 but some how turned out to be the rock for everyone.  My dad was not a religious man by no means.  He sent us kids to catholic school and made us go to church every Sunday, outside of weddings and funerals my dad never stepped foot in a church.  Yet when as he was passing I heard him say the Our Father, I knew at that very moment God was taking him home. One thing I know was important to my dad was "family".  As you can imagine I have more cousins then most.  Growing up we were all very close then as the years went on we all went in different directions not seeing each other as much.  After my dad passed my family came back together tighter then it's ever been.  We are back to having more family parties then I can keep up with.  I strongly believe this was the first bit of business my dad did when he got to heaven. He pulled us all back together.  

I always try to see the good in everything. OK I admit I'm struggling with finding the good in this one, but I also think eventually it will come to me.

I have had experiences that I know God stayed by me so I have to trust he is by me now. 

Teresa - 17?! Wow that's great. Your dad always knew he didn't have to go to church to be with God and I love that he is watching over you and bringing your family back together.

Laurie, sorry to have to welcome you here. Hugs to everyone today.

Today my Ben would've been 31. There are no words or actions to explain how I feel today. I feel Gods presence today. I'm not sure what to do so I think I'll just go with the flow today. I miss him so very much, but I also know that one day we all will be reunited, and for that I celebrate! Happy Birthday my sweet son! I know birthdays are a human thing, but I can't help but to think that my boys are celebrating life today too! Thanks be to God for the gift of Ben! I know my life is blessed because of Ben, and Lil Del. I accept the pain of losing him because the love we shared was worth it, and far out weighs never having him at all. Peace and Love to all today, and every day! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEN!!!!!!

Thinking of you and Ben today Ann. You echo my feelings. Thank God we had these beautiful angels in our life. Today is my birthday too so I will have an extra piece of cake for Ben and light a candle for him also.

love to everyone

Connie.. wishing you peace and happiness always.. Ben.. love u.. happy birthday..lighting a candle for you both... want it to be symbolic of light in life always.. wish you happiness my dear friend and Ben hugsssss... I KNOW you are happy.

Dear Anne

You continue to melt my heart.

You are a very special person, you need to know that.

God has a special place for special people like you.

I am humbled. You are a good teacher.

I wish you only the best.

Thank you

Teresa

Your Dad was a wise man. One of 17!! What a wonderful life he must have had.

I miss my daughter so much.

Thanks to all for the words, and comfort. My husband and I went to the cemetery, sang Happy Birthday to Ben, went to local café for supper, and now I am home where it's warm, and I am happy to just be. Love and Peace to all!  Birthday hugs for all((()))!

Dear Dolly,

Ben did love pizza! His favorite on his birthday was cheesecake! He could eat a whole cheesecake! I hope all of our children in heaven are having their favorite things!

My friend sent this poem to me for my birthday. I thought it was beautiful and wanted to share it with you:

I said a prayer for Ben yesterday on his birthday. thinking of you. Connie I just read the poem, it was so beautiful and hopeful. It is nice to be out of the cold in LA visiting a friend. Sometimes I feel very overwhelmed not being home in VT, but the sun and ocean are soothing. I don't think I'll fully accept she is still not just at her home in Montana for a very long time. Thinking of everyone here. 

Connie, that was a nice poem to receive. 

Connie and Anne you have both touched me with your words this week.

Laurie, don't ever think no one is paying attention. 

I have faith in God, but I also know priest, pastors and other clergy are simply people too.   

Dolly I don't want to jinx you but it seems like your health is doing a little better.

I'm feeling a little better this week then the past couple of months.  Still crying daily but it's ok. I'm allowed. 

I have 3 really great friends that have known me for many years.  Sometimes I sit there and just go on and on about Michael repeating the same stories over and over.  The other day I told one of them "I'm sorry I'm doing it again".  She said, "it's ok" and jumped into telling one herself. 

Laurie - there are people on here who are in all stages of their grief I think. I am right with you - I lost my son Daniel, 17, in a car accident about 14 months ago. I appreciate so much what those who have been through it longer can offer - advice and support and not make us feel like we are going crazy. It just IS crazy what we have to endure. And I can only hope that I will be able to pay it forward someday. Folks at Compassionate Friends had told me last year that the 2nd year would be harder I thought "how can it get worse?" For me it is both better and worse. The shock is beginning to wear off and facing the reality makes me feel like it was just yesterday. But I have also been moved to find ways to celebrate my son and learn things about him and myself and grow spiritually. I am slowly beginning to think about my future in ways that would make my son proud. When for most of the year I didn't want a future...

Right now for me each day is still a challenge and today is one of those that I have fallen flat on my face again. But I know I can come here and find some understanding. It helps me greatly. Thanks to you and everyone for being here.

And Teresa it sounds like you have some pretty great friends. I cherish those few who can be with me in my grief and allow me to feel and express and share that love we have for our children. Nothing does my heart more good than to have someone else tell me a story about Daniel, how he touched them, how he stills touches them, how they love him too.

Loved the poem Connie! When I read the part about the twinkling stars I thought about last night. When we got to the cemetery as I got out of the van I noticed how bright the stars were shining. It was below zero with a beautiful clear sky, and twinkling stars every where! I believe God did that for us. I could feel it in my heart! I only had a few tears because the beauty of the sky filled my heart with a peace that only God can give. May a beautiful twinkling sky come to all!

Dear Connie,

I wish you could see me give you a standing ovation right now! Every thing you just said to Laurie is awesome! Helping eachother, that's what it's all about. Change the things you can, and you just did that for someone new here, and me! When I read these posts it reminds me that even in the face of darkness love still reaches out to someone else in need, and how unselfish an act that is! These are the times that give strength when feeling weak. Peace to all!

Laurie, for me it's been 16 months.  I have good days and I have bad days.  I'm still crying daily, but the day I had to look into the face of another mom that it had just happened to was the day I realized I was moving in my grief.

I too look to those who are further down the road and some day I will learn to manage this.  Where am I in my grief?  I really have no idea but I know as bad as some days can be I am moving.  I want to think of Michael and look at his pictures with out breaking down.  I don't want to spend his birthday on the bathroom floor like I did last year.  Will I succeed?  Well.... I'll let you know because until February 14th comes I don't know but I can tell you I will be trying.  Because of this site and others sharing I know if I don't make it off the bathroom floor it's ok because I will survive and I will try again next year.

I feel like I'm now and only now really facing the reality of it.  I think for the first year just like Connie I was numb, raw, and somehow convinced myself (even though I knew it wasn't right) that I would wake up and everybody and everything would go back to what it was.  I now have to face that was not real.  This is real!  My Michael is gone! Facing the truth is hard. 

I feel emotionally drained, as if I'm aging quickly and as if the sadness will never go away.  Yet I pray everyday for it to get better.  Most have told me the same thing...the second year is no better than the first. I can only answer that after I get through it.

Hello everyone. Thanks Anne for your kind words - you in particular inspire us all I think. My heart breaks every time I think of what you've been through and so when I feel like dying, I remember that I am not alone and think of those who have endured more, like you. And I now understand that it really is what's it's all about - to give the love you have to others. Yesterday I was having such a hard day and was reading my little book of "Daily Thoughts and Prayers" by Swami Paramananda. And it was like it was written for me that day. I would like to share the thought for the day and the poem :

Thought:

"It makes us stronger, to endure."

Poem:

"Brave Heart, tired soul

Remain awake a while longer, a while longer

The hour of watching is almost over.

It will end,

And it's end will bring thee gladness and rest"

I believe we will be with our children again having finished our own journey here and having learned many lessons. What I have learned is to ignore my spirituality just brings me more misery. So I try to find something beautiful in the world each day and be grateful to experience it, even if for one fleeting moment.

I feel so much gratitude for all of you here, I can't even express it.

You all help me be brave. (((   )))

Connie I believe that too! Every little step we take each day to find just one good thing, no matter how small that gives us even just a half a smile is a bravery that only we know. I do that in the end we will all be together. God promised!

Teresa you are so true in what you said about the 2nd year really being the hardest. My second year didn't come after Del died till 3 years after his death because of all of the outside interference. When it did hit I think that was when I was in the most pain, confusion, and despair. It was also the time when I had to decide what road I would take next. The decision was very difficult because the first 3 years after his death was controlled completely by others who thought they knew best. So because I blamed myself for all of it I was scared to death to even make the decision. At that time, and for a long time after my daughters and I did not get along at all. It was hell. They blamed me for all of it, and I blamed myself for all of it. Then Ben died.  Then one day after her recovery I had a big fight with my oldest daughter. She had told a coworker of mine that she hated me, and that everything that's happened was my fault. Mind you I have been hearing this from myself as well as others for quite awhile, so when this gal told me all of these things I just lost it. I'm certainly not proud of what happened next. I confronted my daughter yelling, and screaming at her. I told her that I would go out in the street and blow my head off so she could blame me for everything for the rest of her life. I don't think I've ever shared that story, but I share it now because it also helps to remind me of just how tough some days can be. We did sit down after all of the trauma and apologized to each other. We talked for a very long time and came to a compromise so that I never have to loose my mind even for a second ever again. It happens. Lots of things happen you never thought you would have to go through, but hope is what keeps my pain, and sorrow at a level I can handle most days, and faith is what has stopped all of the craziness that the deaths of the boys brought. That's how I know that Love cannot be severed, even by death. Peace to all

I've been very lucky, while I have a friend or two with ignorant words and while my mother just can't deal with it at all, I have been surrounded by family and friends that have done nothing but support me.  Sometimes to the point I feel smoothered. 

Anne, you are so right, "love can not be severed, even by death"

I think sometimes people need to find someone to blame and I think sometimes we get mad at those around because we can.  Connie, it sounds like you needed that explosion to happen.

Triggers...sometimes I know what to avoid and other times I don't see it coming.  Laurie don't feel bad, I can't go anywhere near where Michael lived or I start to hyper-ventilate. I have friends and family in the area so I have to go around where he lived because as soon as I know I'm close by I can't breathe. 

Yesterday I went to the store and I decided to stop avoiding the Valentine's stuff.  I would get Michael a V-day card, a birthday card and little valentine gift and then his b-day gift.  I went to the cards and started reading them but started to cry as I read card after card.  Through the tears and feeling embarrassed as I tried to hide the tears I finally found a card, took it home, wrote a message to Michael and now I have it displayed so I can read it everyday.  I don't know what to do but I keep trying. 

My cousin's wife passed the other night, her battle with cancer ended.  My cousin lived with us when we were kids.  He was much older than us and I remember the day he brought her to our house to meet my mom and dad.  Because we were young and stupid our plan for when she came was to chase her away because in our young minds she was going to steal him away from us.  The moment she walked in the door us kids fell in love with her and by the end of the day we embarrassed him by begging him to marry her.  She was THE sweetest person anyone could ever meet.  This weekend I am going to gather every bit of strength I have and attend the funeral.  I am going to probably have to ask someone to stand beside me as I say good bye.  Right now I need to put myself aside and be there for Pete and Maryjoe.  They were there for me now it's time for me to give back.

Everyday I think of everyone, even the quite ones like Dick and Berna. Sometimes I even think silly thoughts like maybe our kids formed their own support group in heaven and they are up there talking about us.

I have been quiet for a few days now just kinda watching everybody else.... I don't know what I am feeling now. I really want to move and just get away from everybody that knows the situation and start over, but I have always relied so heavily on family around me I don't know if we would make it. The weather here is Shreveport is horrible it was like 29 this morning with a high if 56 this afternoon. ugghhh I guess numb could be used to describe what I feel today 

Anne

Thank you for your writings.

Very spiritual. Very comforting.

Dolly, The video with Christopher, I'm going to use that video in the classes I do.   

Dolly Eva Cassidy is one of my very favorite singers ever. She has an amazing angel voice. She died in her early thirties of cancer. I sing several of her versions of songs. That version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow is just incredible. Another one I especially love is People GET Ready and Tall Trees of Georgia LOve to all yody

Dear Davi,

Take it from me, you can run but you can't hide. The reason is because you will carry this with you. At least with those who already know, you don't have to start over with. I have found from my own experience when my first boy died that no matter how hard I tried to run, whether it be physically or mentally I couldn't hide from me. We are here for you. Peace to you

Dolly, There is someone there his title is God. Let him lift up some of your burden. He lifted up mine when I couldn't take it anymore. I am a child of God. I don't mean to offend anyone else's beliefs. I'm just sharing what I believe. I honestly feel I went to hell when my little boy was burned to death in that stupid car that day. I lost so much that day. The worst being my son, but also my family, my freedom, and my rights as a human being. I also lost my faith, and told God to take a hike. He waited for me. I don't ever being more angry with anyone or anything the way I was angry with God. When I finally was let go of by all of the people who were supposedly trying to help, I started to see, and feel things like I have never felt before. At first I didn't know what it was. Some of it actually scared me, because I didn't understand. Eight years or so after my Lil Del died I finally started to understand what was happening to me. It was God trying to help me. Even after all the terrible things I said to God, and kicking him out of my life, he waited for me. He didn't give me what I wanted which was to have my son back, but he did give me what I needed which is the courage, strength, and wisdom to put all of our lives back together, and I did it!  I am a very stubborn woman. I am a full blooded Italian woman, and when I'm angry it is not pretty at all! God waited for me. Now I feel like He gives me gifts. Small gifts here, and there, but not when I want them, but always when I need them. I don't know about anyone else who have to travel this sad long road, but for me until I got all of that anger out of my system, the pain, and the sadness got lesser too! It worked for me.

Laurie, I lost my little boy in a car fire when he was 12. That was 15 years ago, and to this day every time I drive by where he died my heart takes a jump up to my throat. My oldest son was killed 6 years ago, and still to this day when I have to go by the spot where he died I usually shed a tear or two. I tried for a long time trying to avoid both places. I finally decided that I can go by the spots where they died, and I'm allowed to shed a tear or two, and if I have to slow down to wipe away the tears than so be it. It's one of the things no one can take from me.

Oh Connie, Rod Stewarts People get ready is my favorite song to sing. When I sing that song I swear I can feel the spirit move inside me. Just talking about it gives me goosebumps. I live every day with the hope of being on that train to Jordan! When I get my boys back in my arms I will rejoice, and praise The Lord with every fiber of my being! Thanks for reminding me of that song. It's been a very busy week for me starting off with Bens b-day, and is ending with me having to regain the organization at the day care with my new boss. :)

Also when I hear Judy Garland sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow my heart beats about out of my chest. That song saved me as a child. When my father would get the belt after me I would sing that song in my head and take myself over the rainbow so no matter how hard he hit me I didn't feel it. Music really does heal the soul. Peace and love to all!

I couldn't stop thinking about Eva Cassidy after you mentioned her evrsion of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" Dolly.  She's a singer's singer. What a divine voice. So I spent an hour yesterday listening to Eva - a beautiful and gifted soul who was taken too early. But oh how she shared her gifts with us.  Here's the Youtube link to her version of the song "People Get Ready" (you gotta hear this version Anne). I think this was recorded just one year before she passed from cancer...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8W9rPxxnP4

Anne, Davi, Connie, Teresa, Dolly... thinking of you all.. have been reading and just kind of lost that my son isnt here  and won't be here.. feel abandoned but take strength from you all..love to all here .

Oh ya Connie! Thank you so much for the link. I listened too it, and I thought it was absolutely beautiful! Eva Cassidy's voice is so heavenly. I must say it really touched me! It's been a rough week, so I needed that voice of inspiration.

I hear you Vasanthi, feeling a bit lost myself today. Funny how sometimes on the birthdays, and anniversaries, It can take days for it to smack me upside the head, instead of on the actual day. I never like to wish away a day, but I'm so glad this week is about over! Grieving can be so much work at times. That's why we get so tired. The first years are like having to build the pyramids. Heck I'm tired just thinking about it. Peace and Love to all, Goodnight