I am so sorry Teresa that some one would say such thoughtless comments to you. Then say its to help you, not hurt you. I woke up to tears this morning when I clicked on a message Kyra's friend,sent to me,

It is so beautiful and now I can not stop crying.

• 
  

  Hi Lynn

  I couldn't fall asleep tonight and somehow found myself on Kyra's facebook page looking through pictures and reading all the wonderful things people have written about her. I was especially moved by reading yours. I find myself thinking about Kyra often, generally prompted by the most trivial of things. The other day while eating cheese I was suddenly thrown into a memory of being at your house in the middle of a SERIOUS fight because you bought the wrong kind of cheese and Kyra was not pleased. Oh Kyra. Or the other day just sitting on the couch I smelled this scent that was so familiar it took me a second to figure out what it was: Kyra. I wanted to cry and laugh all at the same time, because that smell, "that Kyra smell" as you put it, was just so distinct and beautifully Kyra. Or listening to the radio and that REM song "Shiny Happy People" came on, a song that Kyra introduced me to and that we listened to many times on drives back from Lexi's house that made us both so happy.

  But honestly, I don't really need a trigger to think of Kyra, because she is everywhere. Your wonderful kid will always occupy this unique irreplaceable place in my life and heart that no other friend (past, present or future) will ever be able to mimic. I can't imagine a time that I won't miss her. I just wanted you to know that not a day goes by that I don't think of Kyra and your family. I hope you guys were able to celebrate the holidays that Kyra loved so much and I also hope to see you all soon. Love to you all.

  Allison

Oh Lynn that is such an awesome letter, thank you for posting. I love seeing how much my son was loved by others, not just his family

It seems all of us are in a very fragile state today.  The grayness day after day in Vermont is driving me crazy.  All I want to do is hold my Kyra in my arms, and try to understand why she had to leave me. My other daughter lives in Montana and I will not see her until May.  Right now I just want to survive and get through the winter. Amanda I am so sorry for your loss, your baby will always be with you.  The shock at first is so intense and numbing. Be kind to yourself and know that whatever you are feeling is normal and emotions cycle in and out so quickly sometimes.  I feel so close to everyone on this site and know when I am low you all understand and give support.

Lynn 

Again for I us all, I pray for comfort and a small relief of our grief. I too have had some very unbelievably stupid things said to me. I had 30 years with my son - I will grieve as long as I want. I also feel strongly for my daughter in law trying to cope and raise three little ones who are still in diapers. I think people just don't know what we feel and our grief makes them uncomfortable. I am learning compassion all over again.

Laurie - that poem is amazing.

Dear Amanda.

My heart hurts for you. Know you are not alone. There are sad to say a lot of us out here who know, and feel your pain. There's a lot of wisdom, love, and support going on here so please feel free to grieve with us. Love to you.

Oh Laurie, I loved that poem. I have never read it before. It hits the nail right on the head. I too have lost 2 of my children and since I can't change that, I will wear these shoes until I have gone to glory. I have worn these shoes to hell and back more times than I care to admit, but I will wear them, because I know in my heart that I don't walk alone in them.

When others say insensitive, and hurtful things it is because they are ignorant, and know not what they say. It's hard to let them go, but when you let them hurt you nobody else suffers but you. You will find that in time all of those ignorant remarks won't hurt you as much as they do now, but will make you more aware of the stupidity of others, and give you the strength to walk away from it.

Amanda - I am so sorry for your loss and I know how heartbroken you are and how alone you feel.  I echo everyone's thoughts here. You are in a safe place to get your feelings out and get support and companionship for this awful journey we walk together.Also try to find a local grief support group..

Teresa - wow that's a strong willed friend you have there. She is pushing you because she is scared of actually having to deal and talk about death and she just doesn't GET IT. I'm sorry she is upsetting - let her know it's not that easy and if she can't be there for you when you need her now then maybe you should not be around her for awhile. Her harsh demands on how you should live your life are not what you need right now. You can heal through loving, empathetic people not those are so selfish that care more about your mood is putting a damper on the day. I'll never forget when I was visiting my sister she asked me (6 months after my son dies) one morning when I started crying " if I had a pill or something I could take for that. Just so you won't cry every morning." Shopping with somebody crying is a real bummer!

Vasanthi - any reason to get a kitten is a great one!! Love the name

Thank you, thank you thank you once again your support kept me in the right place of mind.  I'm not only angry but I'm hurt she would say such things to me.  I have not and I will not respond, not yet anyway.

Dolly you made me laugh.

I know everybody is right, she just doesn't know how ignorant she sounds.  I was really mad at first but I'm going to let it go for now.  Because your right I have enough to deal with without adding more.

Lynn that was touching.  What a beautiful letter to receive. 

Vasanthi, I love your name choices for your new kitten. 

We all wish there was a pill to make this all go away, but we are all smart enough to know there is no pill or anything else that can do that.

None of us choose to be this way.  Who wants to get up and keep repeating this misery everyday?  Who wants to carry a ton of cement on their back?  Nobody would want to. 

Again, thank you to everyone for letting me air out and for your supportive responses. 

Thanks for the poem Laurie. It's a great analogy. I am so sorry for your losses.

Lynn - what a beautiful gift that letter from Kyra's friend is. It is so heart warming to hear how someone else loves and misses our children too.

Hugs to aeveryone today ((( )))

shared the poem on fb cos it is so true.

Solitude is still my best friend.

I am beyond able to comment on some of these posts except for the email about Kyra.  That is the kind of stuff we need to read or hear from others.  The fact that our child is not forgotten and was loved.

For the others my heart is saddened even more, and I'm sorry we have more new members but you are in a good place here.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all always.

Teresa, of course you are hurt and angry.  The anger might go away but you will probably feel the hurt from your friend longer.

I had a friend for 34 years and we spoke several times a week.  When my son left this earth she came to visit one time and I never heard from her again until a couple of months ago when she found me on FB.  Her message to me was. "Why didn't you ever get in touch with me?"

I did write her a short message back explaining that we didn't get in touch with anyone.  We stayed to ourselves and still do most of the time.  She said something about how she knows how hard it must have been because she knows how upset she got when her daughter would disappear for a few days.  I responded that I couldn't think of anything to say at the time because I didn't want to get upset.  I never heard from her again.

There will always be those people because they don't have a clue and I can understand that.  I didn't have a clue until it happened to us.  It just can't be understood to it's full impact unless you live it

Jane you sound like me.  Solitude.  I usually keep all my grief to myself too.  I don't know if that's healthy but each of us has their way of handling things.  I probably do it because I've always been a private person and I've always been the one everyone depended on for taking care of problems.  I've always been the giver and not the taker, but that is because I felt comfortable in that role, but now when I need   I don't feel anyone's support so I'd rather be alone.  Even around my family I am alone.  I am alone here.  

been long time since i visited my daughter has been  gone 2 years on January  17 of this year the holidays were horrible the two year  mark is still in effect today dont know how much longer i can take this horrid nightmare.

Jessica, I was told by another parent year two is no better than year one.  While it was hard to hear it has prepared me and it let's me know as year one passes that I'm still ok.  It's okay I'm still crying every day, it's ok I think of Michael always, and it's ok I still hurt as if it was yesterday.  Would our children really expect us to step over this and just continue on? I don't think so.  

I went back and read the letter by Allison again. I think it is so heartwarming.  It's my inspiration today.  Going to try and think positive today. 

I so want to get out of winter and cold. My husband is fine but last night his truck skidded of the icy road and feel into a deep ditch.  Lots of damage to the truck.  It brought back the accident my daughter had this past summer.  I wish she could have been as lucky as my husband. Not a good day I miss Kyra so much.

Tough day so far I am trying to keep it together at work but not doing a great job. His birthday is today would have been 17 I remember how much we used to talk about what he was gonna do when he turned 18 and now he will never get that chance to even see 18 

Hello to everyone here today. My heart is with each and every one of you. Jane and Ammy especially you. You are not alone here - I went to sleep crying and woke up crying. I don't know what to know with the rest of my life. I have no job right now and  things seem so confusing and unfair. I wander around doing this and that, meeting a friend now and then and am kind of stuck until my arm heals. I have way too much time on my hands. Why couldn't my son have it?

Davi I will light a candle for your son tonight with mine for Daniel. He died 3 months before his 18th birthday also. And I am beginning the 2nd year. Teresa like you I was told by others who have gone through this that the 2nd year is harder. I can see why. The shock begins to go and the rawness of the pain resurfaces. All I can do is take each day at a time, try to get outside and walk and look at anything beautiful in the world and try to be grateful for having had him in my life . I have to live for Daniel now, it's figuring out how that's the tough part.

Jane I know that feeling of despair where you just feel nothing matters at all. I am so sorry for your deep pain. But like Lynn said maybe a grief therapist could help even though they can;' change reality. They can offer ways of dealing with it, perhaps you can meet someone you can talk to locally. Oh how I could wrap my arms around you all and make it better for us all. I wish you all strength for the day. And hope I can stop crying long enough to go to my rehearsal....

Dolly - love that pic - you're too funny.

I am with you all. Connie you said it so well.. the shock wears out and sometimes i think its better to be in shock lifelong.. at least one is numb then... well nothing could be better this way or that. Its two years this December and I try and keep myself busy doing this or that. Connie can understand that without a job it can be hard to keep doing something. For me here I dont even have friends nearby and cant go for walks as it is snowy. Craig says we will go for walks on weekends.  He does all he can to ease this after he gets back from work and on weekends but Only after I get married which will be in mid April can i take the online education tests and then take up some job nearby. Though I have my international driving license I feel a great hesitation in starting to get used to driving here. Its to do with Micku's passing in an accident. I know I have to get over that fear or distaste. Also am not used to the LH Drive. We attend online Vedanta classes so weekends are busy and Tuesday and Wed  late evenings are busy. Now have called people from Craig's office for dinner etc so I get to know more people. Since we live in a wooded area, its very quiet and while its lovely I cant see people outside or any activity which is the opposite of Mumbai from where I come.. :) I keep saying lets just drive down to the neighbors and introduce ourselves etc  or I am going to get fliers made and offer to babysit kids for the next few months.. I put up the poem on fb and some of the comments just showed me how no one has a clue  though  its well meaning . I think now life is about how I can reach out and serve/help others and through that I hope to get some measure of peace.. love to all here ..each and everyone of you are so precious to me.

Thank you Connie for the lighting of the candle. I have decided that we will go and put some balloons at the graveside and also release some with notes if the kids want to. I was debating with myself all morning if I should could or whatever go out there I have not been since the burial. I don't want to be a blubbering mess in front of the kids again but I am sure its going to happen. Hugs to everyone, this site (& those who have found their way here) is on my prayer list

Davi, specially for you today.. your son is always with you. love.

I just can't imagine living with this pain the rest of my life. But that is what we all have to do, isn't it? Daily I try to focus on something good - seek some joy, and I swear, I am taken back to that awful day in August all over again. Trying to figure our lives out now, Jane, is important. Our lives have meaning and we must live them. We are all here for you. We all feel the pain and we all support each other here.

Peace to you and your family today, and every day Davi.

Thinking of you, Davi.  Hope you felt him with you.  (((Hugs)))

I'd like to share something that gave me a sense of comfort today.  It's strange how certain things on certain days can do that and then on another day you feel nothing, but maybe it will speak to one of you also.  I would have put it in the discussions, but no one seems to join in there.

I came across something written by Gary Wright back in the 70's about a song he wrote so I looked into it more.  

This is part of what he wrote about the song:
Dream Weaver by Gary Wright

During the early '70s while reading more of the writings of Paramahansa Yogananda, I came across a poem called God! God! God!. One of the lines in the poem referred to the idea of the mind weaving dreams and the thought immediately occurred to me, weaver of dreams... Dream Weaver. I wrote it down in my journal of song titles and forgot about it. Several months passed, and one weekend, while in the English countryside, I picked up my journal and came across the title 'Dream Weaver.' Feeling inspired, I picked up my acoustic guitar and began writing. The song was finished in an hour. The lyrics and music seemed to have flowed out of me as if written by an unseen source. After the record was released and became successful many people asked me what the song meant. I really wasn't sure myself and would answer 'it was about a kind of fantasy experience... a Dream Weaver train taking you through the cosmos.' But I was never satisfied with that explanation, and as years went by I began to reflect on what the song actually meant and then it came to me: 'Dream Weaver, I believe you can get me through the night...' was a song about someone with infinite compassion and love carrying us through the night of our trials and suffering. None other than God Himself."

This is the poem he referred to in the writing:

God God God
From the depth of slumber,
As I ascend the spiral stairway of wakefulness,
I whisper
God, God, God!
Thou art the food and when I break my fast
Of nightly separation from Thee
I taste thee and mentally say
God, God, God!
No matter where I go, the spotlight of my mind
Ever keeps turning on Thee;
And in the battle dim of activity my silent war cry
Is ever;
God, God, God!
When boisterous storms of trials shriek
And worries howl at me,
I drown their noises, loudly chanting
God, God, God!
When my mind weaves dreams
With treads of memories,
Then on that magic cloth I do emboss;
God, God, God!
Ever night, in time of deepest sleep,
My peace dreams and calls; Joy! Joy! Joy!
And my Joy comes singing evermore;
God, God, God!
In waking, eating, working, dreaming, sleeping,
Serving, meditating, chanting, divinely loving,
My soul constantly hums, unheard by any;
God, God, God!

And this is the song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGetpLlufrc

Thank you for sharing that Ammy. That's so interesting! I will always hear that song with new meaning. I also love readings the words of Paramahansa and Paramananda among others. The ideas they share and represent have been helpful to me in dealing with this grief.

Davi _ I am glad you choose to go to the gravesite and bring balloons. I know your angel boy was smiling down on you and you could feel his love. I'm lighting the candles now as I'm on the West Coast.

Sending prayers and hugs to everyone

There is no group for bereaved parents where I live.

Our local funeral home tried but the parents chose not to participate.

I saw our funeral home grief counsellor three times. He forgot me, he double booked me and he yawned.

Then I hired a private therapist who decided I needed more "intense" therapy than she could provide me with.

I have not looked for help since.

I am just beginning my second year.

I do wonder how much longer I can do this.

Davi, I too burned a candle yesterday.  Due to the snow I couldn't get out to get a balloon. I know how you feel..the day Michael left we talked about his future and what he wanted to achieve.  Now it's all gone. I grieve that future if that makes sense.

Ammy I never really listened to the words.  Sang the song many times without really listening to it.  For the first time I actually heard the words.

Jane we all know how overwhelming this is, but you are never alone.

You know your right I'd rather be in the numb stage then the one I'm in now.  It's like for months in the back of my mind I thought I would wake up and everything would be back to what it is was.  Now I realize that is not reality, this is my reality. It's been hard facing it.

The other day I wanted to call his number so bad.  I wanted to tell him everything as I always did.  I had to fight myself and keep myself from dialing his number.  I'm so scared the number has been given to someone else.  Not sure how I would react if someone answered so I'm trying to keep myself from doing it.

Thank you Teresa and Connie for the candles I felt a sort of comfort and peace while at the grave site, the one thing Dylan hated more than anything else was to see his momma upset for any reason, so maybe he was there holding me to keep me from balling my eyes out because I only shed a few tears while talking to him and watching his little brother and sister play around him. So many others had come and put up balloons also.

Hugs to you Merry 

Dolly that is lovely.. u r a sweetheart

Hoping everyone here has some peace today. I know how you feel Theresa. I mourn Daniel's future everyday too and also any grandchildren we would have had. I'm going to a lovely local garden for a good walk this am. Hopefully that will make me feel better. ((( )))

Oh Dolly what a pretty picture thank you..... Michelle I can't yet image what it will be like after 3 years. Thank you everyone for the hugs and I send my own hugs

Jane I know exactly how you feel! I live in a small town and there is nothing in my area to help me cope. I have tried to talk to family and friends but they don't really understand. They say the right things but I can see its not something they are comfortable with. My aunt told me off and told me to concentrate on my other children. I felt she was implying that I wasn't caring for my other children but as my youngest is nearly nineteen and the eldest 29 they have their own life's and often seem to be coping better than me. When they are at home of course we are close and talk about their sister. But it's not enough for me. Her dad is not one to discuss the loss of a loved one. I know this from when his sister died in her twenties. You know , the stiff upper lip us Brits are meant to have! I feel lost, as Mei li is all I think about. I wonder is she lonely or home sick and I feel the despair she must have felt that last day! Not having someone to talk this over with is makes me feel that I am losing my mind. But all we can do is try, Jane. My heart is with you xx

Thank you for thinking of me.

If I could find a way out of this, I would.

Why am I not getting better?

I am so tired. Really tired.

Am I feeling sorry for myself?

Am I loosing my grip?

After reading the posts, a memory was brought back to me. When Ben died I had a voicemail on my cell from him. I guarded that voicemail for 6 years. I didn't listen to it very often because hearing his voice made me too confused. I always made sure when I got a new phone that that special voicemail was still there. I got a new phone last year, and the voicemail got lost. I told the person at my cell company too please try to get it back. He couldn't, and I cried as if my life was over. I wasn't sure if I could go on without it. I had been in a panic for a week after that. I felt like I had lost him all over again. I prayed, and I prayed to get it back. When I was a little girl I shoveled snow for days to buy my teacher a sweater clip for Christmas. On the way to school I lost it. I told her what had happened and she told me to pray to St. Anthony. She said he is the Saint for lost things. If I was meant to find it I would. So I prayed all the way home that day. The next morning on my way to school I found the sweater clip in the snow! It worked! So when the voicemail got lost I prayed, and I prayed. It didn't come back. I sat myself down, and had a little talk with myself, and God. I finally realized that I was lucky to have had that message as long as I did. I'm ok without it now because now I can hear his voice all on my own in my heart. The whole thing taught me to not depend so much on material things because they are not as important as the things I carry in my heart. Since I stopped making material things so important I have found that I see the boys faces, and hear their voices without the voicemail much clearer. I still miss the voicemail, but I did survive without it. Now I look at it like at least I had it when I really needed it, and for that I am grateful. I gotta wonder if losing that voicemail was a sign that it was time for it to go? Anyway I did survive. It's amazing how accepting I can be when I don't have a choice. There's nothing wrong with hanging on to things that give comfort, and it's ok to let them go when the time is right. I wish I was sitting, and having coffee with all of you right now. I am so lonely today. Peace to all

Hello I just wanted to share something that helped me a lot last week. I went back to Alanon. I started going in 2009 when I left my alcoholic husband and it really made a difference in my life. Now that my son has passed I thought it would relieve some of my pain. Surprisingly it did because I could tell a.room full of people my son was an alcoholic. Which I have a hard time saying to people other than family.there are local groups for Alanon and you can go as lo g as you have a loved one who has a problem with alcohol or drugs. I haven't been on this site long meet many people who have lost a child to drugs or alcohol.I would love to talk to someone whose child has lost there life to this disease.thanks