All so true. Exhausting is the word. Like being in the middle of the ocean dog paddling. Sending love and hope to everybody today.

Connie I also had two miscarriages, each one was before the live births of my two daughters. The first miscarriage was in the second trimester and I fell into a major depression and spent two weeks in the hospital. I was 36 no children and realized I couldn't go through it again. Kyra was my miracle, I had no intention of getting pregnant again, but it happened.  When I held her in my arms for the first time, I realized what a gift I was given.  Her life brought me back, all my dreams for the future lay ahead.  My husband had two boys from a previous marriage who were 15 and 18,  but he agreed to have another child after Kyra so she would have a sibling.  After another miscarriage, Genna was born when I was at 40, I never felt such joy.

I still can't believe that Kyra, my miracle could have been taken from me at 26.  What lesson are we bereaved parents supposed to learn. Sometimes I feel so cheated, and I start too feel so sorry for myself.

Kyra's death like her birth has awakened something very spiritual in me.  Along with deep sadness, it has brought me intense feelings that I will see her again. I have to learn to love myself, as I do my children.  Kyra taught me so much about how to be a kinder and more altruistic person.  She showed me how to live life with little material wealth. How to embrace all people instead of being critical and feeling superior.  Everyday I will be a better human because of her gift.  Sorry for babbling on but it released my tears and gave me hope for the future. The sun is finally shining today and I will go out into it.

Love and hugs to all of us.

Lynn

Lynn, that is beautiful. Echos so much of what I feel. I love how you expressed what Kyra has taught you. After struggling to have a child, Daniel felt like my miracle also. My miscarriages all happened after I had him. But before I had him,  I had an ectopic pregnancy which required surgery of course - but they screwed up and I lost one tube so my chances of having a pregnancy were cut drastically. I keep ovulating on the "bad" side. Did you know that you have a dominate ovary as well as other parts of your body? I didn't until then! Anyway, after several years of trying and several inseminations we had our miracle. I was 40 by the time we were trying for another child. I had what they call "secondary infertility". I just decided not to do in vitro and  take life as it came. I considered adoption but was then hit with breast cancer which I am proud to say I am almost a 10 year survivor.  I've learned many lessons from my son like you Lynn. But despair at why all my children had to die. We still have lessons to learn I guess that's why we're still here. I think we are need to share those gifts they left us.

Thank you Dolly and Connie. Sometimes I just wish we knew the script and how the story ends. LOL

Are they angels that walk among us? Were they put here with a purpose that maybe we don't see? Connie, there had to be a reason he lived. Michael, Kyra, Daniel, Brandon and all of them had a purpose. 

I had Michael when I was 17 years old.  I had an old fashion father and was scared to death.  For some reason I knew God wanted him to be born, so I went home and faced it. When Michael was born bouncing off the walls and doing things no infant should do, I would just think to myself this child is so full of energy, humor and love there has to be a reason he was born.  As Michael became an adult I still didn't know why he had to be born but he was such a character I just knew there was a reason he was put here.  The moment Michael was gone I quickly asked God WHY? Why would you put me through all that and then take him? I still don't know why he was here or why he took him.  But I can tell you this, I found out my Michael was loved by others more than I ever knew.  I found out he did things for others that any mom would be proud of.   There are some now who are determined to do some of the things he did. Some how Michael touched many lives. So while I don't understand I have to believe there was a reason Michael was here. 

You know it's like Brandon, here he is a child I never met but got to know through Dolly and this site, yet he touched my life.

Connie Lynn I never experienced a miscarriage, but I know my mother also acknowledge her miscarriage as a baby lost.

Angels here and there with very special things to do I'm sure!

 Here's a quote by Abraham Lincoln a friend posted on FB today. He lost 2 sons. His wife went crazy after the 2nd died and Lincoln had also been killed by then also. It expresses hope:

"In this sad world of ours sorrow comes to all and it often comes with bitter agony. Perfect relief is not possible except with time. You cannot now believe that you will ever feel better. But this is not true. You are sure to be happy again. Knowing this, truly believing it will make you less miserable now. I have had enough experience to make this statement."
-Abraham Lincoln

Thanks Connie and Lynnn for those thoughtful posts..Teresa,Dolly and all others ..your thoughts find an echo in mine...please pray that somehow I feel peaceful..its getting very difficult amidst pain to find it...xoxoxoxo

Sending you love and peace Vasanthi.

Wow! You are all letting it all hang out, and my heart can feel it. All of your posts have affected me today. You may not know it or feel it, or want to know or feel it but it sounds to me like you are all beginning to heal. When I read these posts (and I do pretty often) I can see the difference. You are getting the rough stuff out by sharing your life, and feelings here. That's how the healing starts. I hope that writing here helps all of you as much as it has helped me. You see it's healing here because for one, you know your not the only one who has had to take this journey, and two the one way that I know that has worked for me is to write, write, write. I believe grief is toxic, and that the only treatment for toxins is to let them out. It looks to me like all of you are helping yourselves get the toxins out by sharing them here with all of us. I have noticed over the last few months how much we all have changed in little ways. Good ways. I'm a little goofy but I do notice human behavior. Here I never get tired of everyone's posts. When I am with others I have to be really careful that I don't repeat a story about my boys. I get that "you've told this story a million times" look. Not here! Here one can repeat their stories as many times as they need too because we all have that common denominator as to why we repeat stories about our children. None of us want to ever forget the memories, the smells, and the feelings that our children gave us. Here you can say I miss my child as many times as you want, cause we miss ours too. We understand.  Keep on letting it all hang out! You all inspire me, and I admire each of you. Sorry for the long write. I have pneumonia, and influenza so all I can do is read, and write for now. Peace and Love!

I believe there are Angels among us!

Ann - oh I am so sorry you have pneumonia! That's terrible. I have to share this wacky thing I read about last month you may want to try. It was an article talking about how as soon as you cut an onion, you should use all of it because they begin to absorb bacteria from the surroundings (even if you put it in a baggie). It went on to say that if you are sick, cut up a raw onion and put it in a glass or jar by your bedside at night. The onion will attack and absorb bacteria from your body. The onion will be black in the morning. A gal who had pneumonia said she gave it a try and low and behold, it turned black and she felt better! I don't know - very interesting. When I read the article I remembered that I used to know a lady who would put a slice of onion on a boil to treat it and I was a little horrified but there must be some truth to it. I know onions and garlic fight infection when you eat them so why not through your skin? Also it said to put a bowl of onions in the room/house/office to keep others from getting sick. The strange thing is that this week I had the inside of my house painted. The kitchen had oil based paint and the smell was terrible. The painter said to me "Get some onions and cut them up and put some bowls around where it was painted. It will absorb the smell." And damned if it didn't!! Sorry for the digression...but I was so impressed with the paint odor being absorbed I thought it might help your pneumonia! I hope you are feeling better soon. Hugs to everyone

I meant to say that the onions "attract" the bacteria...

Hello

I'm new to this group and hoping that I can find some sense of comfort and normalcy in my life. I lost my son in Oct at the age of 29. He was seriously sick and we didn't know it until he went to the hospital. He died of alcohol hepatitis with complications a week later. I can't seem to function  unless I am busy at work. I'm currently attending a monthly grief group and a one on one with a therapist.

Joanne, I'm so sorry that you have reason to join this group. However, I think you will find it to be a very compassionate and support group of people. It's a safe place to share your feelings. I'm sorry about your son.

Joanne, I never really know how to welcome someone to the group. It's just not the place you want to see any new members.  My heart is with you, my Michael was also 29 when he left.

This has been a very supportive place for me, I hope you find the same comfort here. 

Today it is five months since my daughter Kyra passed, I noticed my sub-conscience knows the date before my body does.  When I woke up this morning a wave of despair came over me and I didn't want to get out of bed.  I forced myself and had a cup of coffee.  I get joy looking out at my bird feeders; I noticed a few were needing more  sunflower seeds so I went outside. It is amazing how feeding the birds and a few red squirrels can help my mood.  Next week in Vermont it will be going back into the deep freeze.  I am happy I will be able to fly to California on Thursday and visit with a dear friend, walk on the beach, and visit with my step-son and his family.   

Lynn, these anniversaries are challenging to get through. The pain seems more acute on these days. Even the day of the week on which our child died can be extra difficult. I'm glad you're going to get away to a warmer climate for a visit with your friend. Hopefully, there will be comfort and healing waiting for you there.

There is no healing..only more and more pain....i MISS MY SOn TOOOOOO MUCH

Joanne - I am sorry to welcome you to the group. My heart breaks for the loss of your precious son. I hope that you can find understanding and support here - anytime. Lynn and Vasanthi, I hope you can find some strength to get through this painful day okay - you will be in my heart and I'm sending lots of love and prayers your way. I will light a candle for Kyra tonight beside Daniel's.

Joanne, I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think we will ever get over this.  I now find I can't play the radio in the car because a song will remind me of my son and I wind up crying all the way to work or all the way home.  My prayers are constant for comfort for us all. I can't ever understand why my son is gone.

Just got done finalizing the headstone. I am having a hard week wondering about how I am going to be on his birthday coming up on Tuesday. If I am worrying about it now then it probably won't be good on the actual day. I pray for more comfort everyday. I miss my boy 

Thank you so much Connie.  These month markers are so painful. I am going to go to the gym. I have not gone anywhere all day.  I am so thankful for everyone here. We can be who we are and feel safe

Dylan's headstone looks beautiful.  My heart breaks for you Davi and all of us on this site.

Thank you Lynn. My heart breaks for everyone else here also. Its hard to see all the pain, but I know that somewhere within all of this is a silver lining, I just don't know what that is yet. 

Davi, really beautiful headstone.. its nightmarish but thats our present... somewhere within all this are valuable lessons which all don't seem to be called upon to learn.. I hope we do that fast, and all of us here are struggling with intense pain everyday but sharing helps enormously.. just want to thank you all.. Davi praying for you.. Connie thanks.

Davi, The headstone is a beautiful tribute to your son. He's so handsome and you can see the light radiating from him. He reminds me of my son Daniel who was killed at age 17. I see they are 2 years apart. Daniel was also a musician and played guitar and drums. I love the music notes and guitar. They have another angel in the choir now. I think you would love this song by Dani & Lizzy called "Dancin' in the Sky". I have to run right now so I don't have time to find the link but will post later. Or if you want you can go on YouTube and search it. Love to all.

Thanks for that link Dolly. Here's the "Dancin' in the Sky" link also. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNoLJy68ZcE

Davi, on our son's birthday last year we made plans that felt right for us. It happened to be Easter and we just couldn't do the usual family get together. My husband scheduled a tattoo to be done on our son's birthday that matched one my son had. It helped to plan something to do that was uplifting and in his memory without having to be around anyone if we didn't want to (I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just a hard day). My son's best friend decided to get one done also and came along.

Another wonderful thing to do is to write a note and tie to balloons and release them. I did that with just his closest friends on dec.1 the anniversary he passed. It really was so sweet to quietly watch the balloons disappear in the sky together and it always helps to write out a message to our angels. Especially young people who don't get a chance to or have a hard time expressing their grief. Thinking of you and sending you love and prayers.

Lynn I find that to be very true that dates control our emotions without being aware of what the date is.

Connie, your tributes are sweet.

I found out some of Michael's friends have been holding their own memorials in his name.  They invited me to the next one but I think they need to do their own thing without the grieving mom around.  Maybe it would help me to attend.  I just don't know.

"dancing in the sky" was sent to me on facebook by a friend.  I received it on a day I was feeling really down.  I hope you ladies find the same comfort in it.  That and the one by Allison Krause that Dolly posted, I listen to them almost daily.

Davi, the headstone is beautiful. Birthdays are hard, if you need us we're here.

Trying to pull myself out of the mucky place I've been in lately. I needed the lift me that your post gave to me Connie.

Yesterday I thought I was doing well.  there was some thing on TV about some singer, I wasn't paying attention to it.  But then I turned around and the mother was leading her son holding his hand and that was it........ I broke into a million pieces.  didn't see it coming.

Thanks Dolly. I was so happy to read that you have gotten the signs you have been asking for. Gave me chills. And I imagine Brandon's strong hands on your shoulders in a form that is free to move and do whatever he wants....He'll always be with you and love you.

Dolly, am so happy that you found the feeling of certainty again after so long. 

Hello Joanne,

I'm sorry you have to be here. I have found this site to be very helpful to me. I like to blog, which you can do on this site, and I like to keep in touch because I always learn something from others here. It's also a place where we all have a common denominator, and we have all walked in these shoes. Anyway, we are here. I hope this site helps you. Peace and Love!

I'm happy for you Dolly! I pray that all get a little ray of sunshine in our hearts!

Dolly, Brandon wants you to know he is there. I'm so happy for you that you felt his presence.  His smile let's everyone know he loves his family and his life. 

I'm trying to take the advice and not think about Michael's birthday until it is here, but this morning I ran to the store and what was everywhere?????? Valentine's Day everything!!!!!! How am I suppose to do that when it is in my face? 

I came home and my sister called and so of course I cried to her and told her how that trip to the store changed my mood.  My sister suggested that I don't avoid it but hit it head on.  Every year for 29 years, besides a present, I gave Michael a Valentine's card and a birthday card with a cake.  My sister thinks I should continue to do it.  As old as he was he loved to get a birthday cake. Thinking of what some of you did for Christmas I think I'm going to try and celebrate his birthday rather then cry through it.  Ok who am I kidding celebrate or not I'm going to cry.  But maybe I can have positive tears rather then negative tears. If that makes sense.  As you can tell I'm struggling again.  Last year I spent his birthday on the bathroom floor crawled up like a baby, I don't want to do that again if I can help it. 

Teresa I think your sister is right in that we can still choose to celebrate our child's life even if it's painful. To deal with it head on may help you get through it easier. Think of something simple you know you can get through that he loved or that will honor him. The best you can give him for his birthday would be for him to see you trying to celebrate not only his but your own life. I know I know - easier said than done - but I do believe it's what they want for us and I try to keep that i mind and will try to do things just because I know it would make him proud even if I feel like dying inside. Peace and love to everyone here

I know you and my sister are right.  I just have to figure it out.  Going to that store this morning really put me in an ugly place.  It's like I'm facing reality now.  I will NEVER see or hear Michael again.  I can't call him and tell him everything. I want so much just to talk to him.  But this is IT!  I can't do that.  Sorry I've fallen down and doing my best to get back up.  Even though it's been 16 months, I feel like I'm only now facing the reality.

Davi - we'll all be with you to help you get through Tuesday. Teresa - I understand how going in that store brought you down so hard. I still can't go to the grocery store for more than 10-15 minutes without crying and then I have to leave. That's my trigger because my son had Crohn's and needed a special diet and I was always trying to find or make for him that wouldn't cause him pain. Mostly for this whole year my husband gets the groceries. I do it if I have to and feel bad that he always turns out to be the one to go. But it really throws me onto the abyss. I can be standing there and see one of his favorite things and tears flow like Niagra Falls and I am the crazy lady sobbing in the grocery store...I have abandoned more than one basket...hugs to everyone

Thank you for being here for me. I haven't been able to write much as I am just navigating my way around. It's nice to be here and the welcomes are appreciated. I already feel a sense of calm.especially when you feel so alone.I have friends and family and  I'm sure they mean well but don't really know what we're all going through.

hi, my daughter was killed by another persons hands, she was only 15 months old. I was blessed to have her, she was my one and only child and a miracle one at that. I am having such a hard time with out her here with me, im so use to her sleeping next to me, and waking me up, and running down my hallway. I still find some nights unbarable and can not even close my eyes till the suns just about coming up. I don't have many friends or people around here where I live who know what I am going through so I thought maybe going this would help me. so here I am. I really don't know what to do with my self half the time anymore I usually sit in my room all day n night n think n cry, I just don't have the motivation to do anything else half the time. I just want some one who knows the pain to be there for me and be able to help me out and me help them.

Amanda, sweetie we are all here for you and we all know the pain of losing a child.  It's never easy for anyone of us to see someone else join the group.  Our hearts are with you.

This is a safe place where you can scream, cry and share your thoughts and know you have complete understanding. This is a hard road to walk down and I don't think any of us want to see anyone have to walk it alone.

Your baby will always be your baby.

Adrianne, that was so sweet of Don.  Michael had the perfect birthday, because while he looked like a big tough guy he had a heart of gold. They will always be our Valentines.  Maybe you could place a box of candy in the window for Don.  I'm going to find the strength and go get Michael cards. I think I'm also going to get a cake.  Hopefully instead of hugging the bathroom floor I can celebrate his life.

Joanne your never alone we are all with you all the time. 

Last night I received a message from an old friend who wanted me to know she met someone who lost their child and I should talk to her and the second half of her message was "because it is time for you (me) to SNAP OUT OF IT"  Now that someone told me to "SANP OUT OF IT" I'm over it!  How about that all I needed was someone to tell me to SNAP OUT OF IT! Of course I didn't return that call.  I think she means well but "SNAP OUT OF IT"?  How ignorant can she be?  Right now I feel like "SNAPPING HER OUT OF IT!  Yes I feel angry by it but I'm not going to respond.

I'm sorry I'm not grieving the way others want me to and that I'm not "snapping out of it".  But those trying to tell me how to be aren't wearing my shoes.

Ok, I'm already pissed about the phone message only to open email and see this from the same person.  

"You know what. I'm sick of this, It's got to stop. you have got to pull yourself out of this. Michael would never want to see you this way. I love you thats why I'm telling you it's time to stop. Stop the self pitty, he's gone, but your here and now you have to get up. I know you are crushed, but now you have to get up. I have to say this. Its been too long you have to get up . This is Michael talking not me. If I was a medium I would hear Michael saying, "Mom, please smile again, laugh again, I'm fine live again for me. Thais what Michael would say. You can't bring him back so live for him. I know you will probably curse me for saying this, but I will anyway. Its time to get up. Stop telling everyone your the grieving mother and start telling yourself and Michael, I'm happy now for you I'll be happy now. Dont spend another day grieving, start celebrating, he is, he got to see the Kingdom of GOD, he's happy . God will send him back, you will see. He's waiting for you to smile and let it be. Then you will see Michael again."

Now I'm really friggin mad.  Oh Ok cause you say so I'll just go on and be happy.  Does she not get this is a process that we have to go through?  Does she not get I had Michael for 29 years and it's only been 16 months since he left.  Does she not know for months I was in a state of shock and now I'm facing the reality that I will never see, hear or feel him again.  29 or not he was my damn baby!!!!!!!!  Him and I had a strong relationship.  Michael would never think I'd just move on in life without grieving.  I have the right to grieve and I have the right to grieve the way I need to.  DAMN HER!   I'm so mad I can't even respond. 

Teresa. they don't have a clue! dont even bother getting angry with that person cos its not worth it..

Amanda my dearest friend I am so sorry and I can only imagine how awful it must be to not have the little one around and I pray that you get the strength.. just think your baby was so small and now will be safely cradled in god's loving arms..normally I don't say such things because saying it hurts but with your baby I am so certain that the little one is playing and happy...Amanda like Teresa said  your baby is yours ..nothing and no one can change that fact ..sending you love and prayers and I am finding all my words inadequate.

This Valentine's day I told Craig that we will get another kitten and call him Valentino or Valentina depending on the gender. We already have tiger who I find is so amazingly sensitive to moods... without fail if I am at my lowest he comes for a snuggle and normally he doesn't do that except when he wants to play.Attaching a pic of us.. How is the Valentino idea?

Couldnt find the pic.. will attach later

Oh wow Teresa I can't even imagine how I would react to someone telling me to "snap out of it" even if they meant well by saying it, if you have never been through this horrible tragedy then you have no idea. As Vasanthi said you can't let them get you angry, you have enough of that on your own. Well I am very down today I feel like everywhere I turn today there is something there that reminds me of him. I forced myself up and out to work this morning, but I so do not want to be here, I think sleep would be a much better day