Merry - Yay for sleep! Halleluyah for you. It is so hard to deal with everything when you can't sleep. I don't take an antidepressant or antianxiety (have in the past) unless I need to but don't take away my Lunesta!! It helps me sleep very naturally and wake up with no side effects. If I don't sleep, I don't function! Vasanthi, my heart is with you. I think we all understand exactly how you feel. (((  )))

Lynn

 I am glad for your dream. I have had a couple and I know that feeling of not wanting to wake up and wishing you could go back to sleep and continue the visit.  I think she is letting you know that she IS safe and will be waiting for you always. Hope the weather warms up soon!

I have the sad face. How are we suppose to look?  I AM SAD! VERY SAD!

Dolly, great pictures!

Difficult to fake a happy face when you are dying bit by bit every day. Connie thanks for you and all here for the understanding.  (((((( ))))))

I am having a hard time with guilt its has been 1 month since I lost my 16 yr. old to a tragic accident. part of me feels like if i move forward to fast people will say oh my didn't you just lose your son, and then I feel like i am not moving on fast enough for work and the people who need me right now. I just don't know what to do. I know there is no set rules as to how this is supposed to go

Davi, only you know the pace at which you can grieve. Your loss is so new, that you are still in shock and just want the grief to go away and have your child and your life back.  Each day will be different, sometimes each hour or minute. You should not add to your pain by feeling guilty  about any expectations of how or how fast you will grieve. You have the right and the need to feel just how you feel. Wishing you peace today.

Davi, Connie's right.  Only you know what you can and can not do. 

I'm sorry your joining us. We all walk together just at different paces.

It's all that dang grief. You can't go around it. You can't go under it. You just have to go through it.

Grief is a thief. It steals all of your todays by making you dread tomorrow. All we really have is today. Today is all anyone has, and there's no reason to worry about tomorrow. God is already there. Peace to all

All this about going through it.. is there any choice? even if we think we are stuck, we really aren't as like it or not one goes through it- It can't be avoided, unless one knocks oneself senseless.. every thing else, starting from shock, despair, anger, guilt, avoidance of the fact etc is also 'going through' it , isn't it?..xoxoxox

Davi, don't even think of burdening yourself with what others think.. some will think and say this, some that, don't worry about it as only you will know that the days ahead some days when you feel you are coping will be the best days we have. Other days will be a downslide.. we are all there and we are with you..

You misunderstood me.

Anne I get it.  The day after New Year's right away I started thinking about Valentine's Day because it is Michael's birthday. Your right instead of focusing on my next challenge date I need to just take in today and not race ahead. 

I seem to be having moments of confusion.  Can't keep focused or keep my thoughts straight.  

I just don't know what to say today. I don't know if I'm exhaling or shutting down. 

Adrianne, so well said, the feelings described, its true. Yesterday on the phone a friend of mine said," you must have wanted a chance to say bye to him." She didn't get it..because that's the last thing I would ever want..I am actually very glad that I didn't say 'bye' and that our conversation was left hanging as always as one of us would get busy...pretty normal that has been.. it was always left hanging to continue from where we left as one of us had some work in between..and that's the way I want it...a 'to be continued'....I don't have the courage to say 'bye' to anyone I am close to. The other day Craig came in a little later than usual from work and at home I was hopping mad, all kinds of scenarios flashed through my mind, about getting a call that there has been an accident and then visiting the morgue, hospital whatever...I imagined the police asking me ," did you two fight?" , and me saying yes but I didn't think he would die and all such scenarios and then living with one more intense pain added on to an already crippled life...ughhhhh.. I know I don't and can't ever go through this again.. When he walked in saying sorry I got held up, all I wanted to do was slap him hard... I realized that I am carrying a lot of anxiety about loss in any form, and sometimes withdraw hoping I will be told that you are terrible, I can't put up with you and feeling immensely relieved that before anyone dies they can leave me, which will be better... at least then I can have anger as a fuel to my imaginary grievances...

Vasanthi I agree with your post I agree with Adrianne as well I am on a roller coaster, I can't think clearly I am back at work but I just don't want to be, I feel like I am going to fail the company because I don't care right now about anything. I feel the same anxiety about your husband being late and worrying and wondering what has happened, mine is I am not wanting to let my kids walk to church anymore, its right across the street but that is how my son got hit was coming back from the church at dark. Added to my sons death is exactly 1 month before it my youngest was burned badly in a camp fire accident. My husband is adamant there is some kind of bad spirit at our house, my daughter immediately started asking was she next because both of her brothers had been hurt.

Davi,

What about lighting a small candle at dawn and dusk and some general prayers as a routine? It helps tremendously in chanting what you are comfortable with.. even a small prayer like " Oh Lord make me an instrument of your peace.... St. Francis one or hail mary's or anything that appeals to you will help the home tremendously as prayer is an action which is positive and the results gained are tangible and intangible.. Maybe depending on the faith you have you can get a priest to come and 'cleanse' the home of any negativity? ... just some suggestions ... Dolly you are right.. we can surrender and pray and get some relief from negativity. xoxoxox.. now throwing myself in some housework, cleaning, dusting, mopping, ...that also helps :)

I think having it cleansed and blessed will be a good thing because your right, what can it hurt but it could make all the difference in the world. Hugs to you

Dolly my heart is with you today. You have such a beautiful heart and soul and I am sorry you are feeling so sad. Great idea for space cleansing. It is important to clear any space where you feel negative energy might be affecting you. You can get a priest or any spiritual teacher or minister that you trust OR you can even do it yourself. There is a great book called "Creating a Sacred Space" I would recommend to anyone just as a good source for your life, your home. It helps you keep in mind that the power of light and good are always stronger than dark and evil. And we have within us this power and can say "stay away from me, this is MY space and it is filled with light and love and will always be protected by it."

I sure don't know why this happened to devastate our lives and often I am scared and feel guilty that I have cosmically quite by mistake brought some of the suffering into my life because I didn't appreciate what I had when I had it. I worry that now that my husband decided to go out and by a motorcycle that he will fall to the statistics but he gets so much joy from it that he doesn't any other way. And I like you Vasanthi, I just don't know if I could take another loss. that would leave me all alone in this world. It has never been death that I fear, but being left behind. And don't they say that you attract your fears? Then am I to blame? ARRRGGH. It just make me crazy to ponder. So I have to leave my ego behind and trust that there is something greater than myself and that I am not in control, so I am not to blame. And if I am in any way, then I can't change it now, I can only learn from this and try to be better. In any case, like Ann said, it is hard but so important to try to stay in the moment, in the day because as we all know too well, it could be our last.

Davi work at your own pace. The folks at your job are probably not judging you and how fast you bounce back. Just that you're back shows great strength even though you don't want to be there. If it feels too hard then you could probably ask for a little more time and they will understand. Most of your co-workers can't begin to imagine your pain and will be more understanding than you might think. On the other hand if going to work helps you focus on something else for a while, maybe that's good for you. Now that I have a broken arm I can't work at the job I have now so I am home alone while my husband works and I begin to pick up the pieces of my life. It seems there's no easy way, just the any way that helps you be able to deal with it. Wishing you all some peace today. (((  )))

Vasanthi, it's interesting how a person's comment to one member can mean something very different to another. It just shows how individual each of us is in our grief process and our experience of our personal loss. If a friend had said to me, "You must have wanted a chance to say bye to him," I would have agreed wholeheartedly. I didn't get a call from my son on my last birthday which occurred 8 days before he unexpectedly died. Because of the circumstances of his death, I never got to lay eyes on my son and instead held his cremated body in a plastic bag. The last time I saw Chris was Thanksgiving Day of 2012. I felt like I didn't get to say goodbye because I never saw him after that. I'm beginning to see how difficult it must be for others to say things to us because they really don't know how we'll take it. For you, that comment was hurtful. For me, due to my own personal circumstances, it would have showed some understanding. Interesting, eh?

Michelle,

yes all true.. the experiences are subjective so is the reaction. I was not annoyed with my friend but just felt that she didn't get what I feel which I am ok with as its all ok since loss is so personal...I can understand how deeply you must be feeling and wishing that you could have at least seen him.. I pray that you get all the strength and feel your son's love for you which by the way for all here I feel the deep connection we have had with all loved ones whom we 'lost'.

Dolly, you are the most wonderful soul and express yourself so beautifully and truthfully. I think we do feel that pain is a way of connecting and I think we exclude other feelings because right now pain is all we can feel. But I also know that in quiet times, when the mind and heart are still and receptive there enters a feeling of love so sweet and healing and it is again the connection with love shared. I would like myself to be more receptive and open to all such states as they take us beyond the pain.. don't know if i'm making sense.. but hugs and lots of love and kisses to all my dearest friends here .

Yes - I am afraid of forgetting anything also. I know what you all mean when you say that if you aren't feeling the grief and think of something else you feel guilty. I do too. It seems to be our last connection. But I know that the love is there too and will always be.

Thank you Teresa! that's exactly what I meant. From what I've learned during my journey, taking one day at a time was a hard lesson  to learn. I wanted it all done right now! I would plan things, and lo and behold I just couldn't bring myself to do them. Then the person or persons I was going to do something for was disappointed, and even worse I was disappointed in myself. So I started to take things a lot slower. I began living one day at a time. Some days I couldn't do more than a breathe at a time, but that's grief. I have learned that death is the only thing that happens all at once. What comes after takes a lot of time, patience, and self preservation.

It's almost like having a really bad heart attack. Your not sure if you can get through it, and you don't know what the future brings. It's very painful, and you wonder if you can even handle it. Then after awhile the pain lessens, and you begin slowly to fight back. You begin to feel more confident with each day that you wake up, and face another day good or bad. Then one day you will notice that you are doing more, and you are beginning to fulfill some of the plans that you make. That's how I feel it works. I don't know why we have to deal with all of the bad things in this life, but I do know in my heart that as long as I am willing to carry on then I will have the good days to fall back on when the bad days creep up on me. Love to all!

It has been 13 months, 10 days since Danielle left.

Nothing has gotten "better" for me.

And I have tried.

But, I am still living in an abyss.

And I still have no desire to live.

And I still have no feelings.

I am numb.

I don't like posting such negative thoughts.

Maybe saying how bad I feel will help me, but I worry that it will affect all of you.

I wish there was a "rehab" for grief.

Don't worry Jane P.. all we can do is echo your thoughts

Bad days, Good Days, I say share them all.

I felt like I slipped back for a few weeks.  I stopped crying as hard as I was but now I'm having days of feeling exhausted and quite. 

Michael hated facebook and social sites. I set up a facebook for him for the tournament.  The whole time I felt guilty knowing he hated facebook and told him I'm sorry but I need to do it. Everyday I check Michael's facebook and everyday there's another friend request.  He now has more friends than me.  Touches my heart how many loved him.  He seems to have touched a lot of people.  Found out different groups of friends held their own memorials for him.  I give anything to have my Michael.  Doesn't God know I need him?

The best thing you can do for yourself is to let it all hang out. Most of you are all so new at this journey, and as for new I mean new. It takes a few years to really start to begin the easier part of grief. No you will never forget anything about your child. I still remember the silly smile on my Lil Dels face. I still remember the smell of skunk when he was attacked by one. I still smell Bens cologne on occasion. I still hear him tell me to enjoy the dance. That part of your children does not go away. It feels that way to begin with, but a lot of that is the pain, and the misery of not having them with you. You see the sadness, pain, and deep sorrow over shadows the good things. I think the bad part comes first so when the good comes back we are ready for it. The first few years (and how many years that is, is different for everyone) are hell, and that's the truth. Confusion, anger, pain, sorrow, and despair all take their toll. They do however subside. Not right now, and not when you want it too, but when your heart, and soul are ready too, it will happen. I have felt every single way that all of you have felt. I had all kinds of outside interference the first time I had to travel this road. I never thought I would ever be able to function again or get back to the order of living. I hated it. I hated every second of every minute of this road. Then I learned to take control of the things I was capable of taking control of. One at a time. I'm sorry you all have to also go through all of this misery. I wish there was more I could do. I can only give you what I've had to learn on my own the hard way. I don't know, maybe if I could've gone through the grief in my own way to begin with I might not of had to suffer as much. I just don't know. But since once again it was all out of my control. I learned everything I possibly could so that if life ever smacked me upside the head again I would be able to atleast travel the road in my own way. Knowing doesn't make it any easier, but somehow, someway I was able to take the things I learned the first time, and apply those same skills, and knowledge to every crappy thing that happens in my life. For me my faith has played a big role in my survival. Not the first time because I was too angry, confused, and interrupted by others so I walked away from my faith for a very long time. God waited for me to be ready to accept his love, and comfort once again. Most people have some kind of faith. Rely on that faith whatever it may be. You will yell, scream, cry, hurt, all of those horrible feelings. I don't think one can go through the death of their child without it. So I say get it out of your system in a safe way however long it takes. Life can be beautiful again through a new set of eyes. You are all doing well by writing, and letting those feelings out through every word you write. That's a big step. May the sun shine on your hearts especially on your darkest days. Love to all

Dolly,

Heartfelt thanks...am having a very difficult day with missing my son... how i wish i could go back to everything ...my son not being here is very difficult to handle.. there are friends wishing me on watsapp and viber and fb and am going through the motions of saying how nice and thank you..I find it difficult to smilejust wondering if this is the new me.. sullen, confused, angry, resentful, longing for the past, unable to ever be present and hating any new roadblocks in the present...it makes no sense as to why i should have birthdays when my son was robbed of all his days.

evenming we are going for dinner with friends.. craig has gone to work.. am dreading it all.. they forget that I have had my son and say things like " good u both dont have to worry about children" etc.. the other day went for a haircut , the lady asked me the dreaded question," do you have children?" I siad no and then thought  oh now i am negating shreyas's existence so i said yes.. she was confused,,, naturally, so i said i lost my son in a road accident 2 years ago..simple questions, simple statements bring about hurt and confusion.. i know its me who is all wrong

Happy Birthday Vasanthi. I know how hard it is to celebrate w/o your son but I can only say that I am happy you are in the world and I bet Mik is celebrating the best Mom ever. My birthday and my husband's are coming up too and I just and we are just going to go out on a mutual day. It just is so unfair that we still go on and they didn't get the chance to. It is hard  and I will hold you close in my heart and love lots of love your way.

Dolly your pictures are so sweet. Do you put them together in another program?

Vasanthi -I was a little shocked when I read what your friend said about not having to worry about children :O I'm sorry.

Dolly we can always hope to be more hopeful tomorrow!

You will find that there will always be those who just don't know. You will also find that as time goes by the ignorance of others won't bother you so much. Time is the best gift you can give yourself. I think we have all felt or feel the despair. You will have other birthdays Vasanthi. I pray one day you will get a Happy Birthday. 

Vasanthi, I hope you managed through the day and are able to enjoy your dinner with Craig and friends.   ♥

Happy Birthday Vasanthi.

You are not alone. He is there.

Dolly again thank you for the cards...when i looked at it too i felt micks was playing the trumpet and asking me to go on with the dance of life..hugss. Connie. yes some people probably say whats topmost in their heads and don't really think about the implications and it must be difficult to think about implications at all times, so I do understand it but nevertheless feel the longing and the hurt to be with micks.

Jane thank you soooooooo much for saying he is there..it lifts my spirits even if it is for a little while...

Ammy, We skipped the dinner part today and that is ok, wasn't feeling like going out anyway. Your card really touched my heart as does all the support here.

Michelle, thank you ... i was waiting for something to show me micks presence but so far ..nothing:(

you are right Dolly, nothing really helps, just makes me want to curl up and never wake up again.

Lynn, thank you for your wishes.

Just knowing that all here feel my pain as much as I feel yours helps me .. I wish we had our babies with us, I wish we could see them and talk like before..but then when we can't i feel what Dolly said that they are blissful and singing and dancing with glee and abandon is what they have . .. then that is ok as long as they are really happy nothing else matters... love to you all...xoxoxoxoxo

I've had 2 dreams this week of Daniel. I felt like one was really more like he was here. So grateful "see" him but when I wake it's so hard again...

In it he said that me and his Dad should be happy because he is fantastic and he is doing cool things. I want to believe it but still for we who are left behind the pain of missing them is so profound, it is still hard to feel happy. Then I feel guilty. The full moon isn't helping either!! Help me through this day I pray. I miss my boy so much it is like it happened yesterday.

Connie.. i am with you, sending you love and prayers to make your days peaceful. hugssss

Michele - love hearing your messages. It is so hard to go back to those "glory days" when the world seemed so full of wonderful things for their future. Sometimes I wonder if we did all those things with and for our kids because it was part of THEIR path - to experience alot in a short time. Honestly my son was game to do anything, and did things I never have or will ever have the guts to. Since he was an only child we were able to spend a lot of attention and were able to offer him some great experiences. Thank God for that. For instance, I am SO glad I let him drive  alot after he finally was able to get his permit his last summer. Because I love to drive and I knew he would too. Yes on the freeways of LA I let him drive and it was hair raising but at the same time, I knew it was thrilling for him and gave him a lift in his self esteem. I'm glad I wasn't too overprotective to make him wait. We spent so much time on the road to various doctors that it just seemed like the perfect opportunity to let him get experience. 

I hear my son saying the same thing - you can do it -I will help you be strong. We will never lose our pride in our children, our love between or our child's spirit. Just wish we could have them all back. love to everyone

Michelle, I know it must be devastating for your daughter as well. That's another level of pain you have to deal with when you have other children who are left grieving and in need. What a sweet relationship you kids had together. I know it can be so hard just to comfort my husband sometimes because we are both are deep in grief and both deal with it differently. So I know it must be harder to do the same with your other children. I do understand that feeling in a way. Because Daniel had Crohn's disease and had problems with the treatment drugs and multiple hospitalizations, he suffered greatly. It was so hard to be his mom and to try and try but not be able to take the pain away.
I also had 2 miscarriages, one of which was very late and we named her Emily Rose and had a private little memorial and spread her ashes in the mountains above our house. And I spent all my life since that (16 years ago) mourning her, and also the fact that Daniel would be an only child. I spent a lot of time being so sad and trying to deal with that grief, I sometimes wasn't emotionally there for Daniel and I regret that - but didn't have much support in dealing with it.  (You know - it was meant to be, they'd all say) One thing I do feel that gives me a sense of peace is that he's not an only child anymore - I believe he is with his sisters now.

I can't help myself I grieve the future Michael isn't having.  I think it is hard for me because our last conversation was all about what he wanted in the future.  He talked about being ready for a family and what he wanted to do professionally and etc.  Now it's all gone. 

I was always a proud mom and I always talked about my kids, they are the other half of me.  Last night I did a presentation and talked about him as if he was a live.  I think I did it for two reasons.  It is hard for me to talk about Michael in the past tense and I didn't want faces in the room to turn sad.

I've always been close to my kids and now I feel bad for my daughter.  She is trying so hard to help me and her dad with the grief and she thinks she can fill that void.  I think she is carrying this on her back as if it is her responsibility. 

Connie I'm with you....I hear Michael pushing me all the time.  I also hear him telling me I can do it.  I know if anyone is holding me up it is him. 

I'm just sooooo exhausted, physically and mentally.