Dolly, I asked my daughter what the med was and she said Effexor.

I think any med can have an effect. We are all different and any thing is possible to have an effect on you.

Hugs

Ammy,,, yes the exhaustion comes from thinking or trying not to think.. either way we are doomed.

OK, so I have to admit to feeling a little abandoned and hurt when no one commented on my post about yesterday being Chris' birthday. I did make it through...

Hi Michelle

I just came on and am now reading all the messages.

Happy Birthday to you and your son.

I know the loneliness you are feeling.

Such an emptiness.

It was a year for me on December 2. So now I've finished all "my firsts".

I remember when I joined this group, you were one of the first ones I talked to.

xxoo

Michelle!!!! so sooo sorry-- thought about all i read as i do everyday , sorry I didnt say anything about Chris... U know u r always in my heart..just been a little caught up with facing every little thing.. its strange but what i would be normal about otherwise gets magnified and i find myself reactive and in tears for the smallest thing... hugsssss

It's OK, guys. I just needed to express my loneliness on Chris' birthday. With all the holidays (all the "firsts"), his birthday, and in March, the first anniversary of his death, I'm feeling very sad and missing him terribly. I know no one here intentionally overlooks or hurts anyone else. Just extra sensitive, I guess...

You are so right about the loneliness.  I am sorry to have missed your comment about Chris's birthday. The first one you had to spend without him.  This first year of living everyday is hard enough, when you add the memories of past birthdays and holidays it seems insurmountable.  We are not staying home in Vermont this year, I couldn't do it.  I am hoping It will be better to share it with my step-son and his family in New Mexico.  We have no tree but I did manage to buy presents for everyone.  I guess the old traditions will have to change because I dread having holidays at home without Kyra here.

I have never felt so exhausted in my life before.  If I stay home I never will get out of the chair and feel even more tired and unmotivated.  It is difficult to force myself to go out in the freezing cold and do something. I can not spend another winter in this gray cold climate.  I finally bought a light to sit next to which is supposed to help with lifting your mood in the dark of winter.  It seems to help a little, but I need to move it nearer to the wood stove. I hate wishing my life away but I can't seem to stop it.

Michelle I'm so sorry I was so caught up in my own misery I wasn't paying attention to anything.  I already had to face Michael's birthday.  It was not pretty but just like you I realized I made it through. 

Chris loves you!

Lynn, I know what you mean. I have been beyond tired since Chris died. I used to be a night person, but most days now I go to bed around 8 or 8:30 p.m. and sleep (if I sleep) til about 12 hours later. I dream about Chris almost every night now. It's good to see him in my dreams at various ages of his life, but so many of my dreams are BIZARRE. Not good dreams for the most part.

This Christmas my hubby (not Chris' dad) and I are spending alone. Not exchanging gifts with one another. Will probably go see a movie. Then a few days after Christmas, my daughter and her family (including my 4 beautiful grandkids) will come here from Madison, WI to have "Christmas" at our house. I just don't care very much.

Michelle, I'm sorry too.  I know what a bad feeling it is to feel like no one notices you, but I try to understand, and some days it seems as if everyone is in their own little world.  And that's okay.

You said it was 42 years.  So Chris was 41, just as my son.  I hope you were able to have some good birthday memories even though it was his first birthday not here.

My son left us exactly one month after his 41st b'day and it's really the only b'day I can remember vividly.  So strange.

Sending a big B'day hug.

Ammy, yes, I remember that your son was also 41 when he died. Chris made it 3 months beyond that. I guess the "firsts" that I still have to experience are Christmas, New Year's, my first birthday without my son being around, and the first anniversary of his death. Those are the "biggest" ones. I don't think I'll do too well when the one year mark comes. Even the change to 2014 will seem odd because I'll have to say, "My son died last year." I so dread the passage of time because I know people will think I should be in a different place, one I know I'll never "get to."

i have found my self in a bad way and was wondering if someone could help me through other then a Dr saying here take this and it will get better,i miss my son its been two years he was 39 and mentally ill i took care of him all his life,seems now i don't have a life,i sit around cook then sleep or smoke even though i have copd and was told to stop smoking but there nothing to do,i used to cook ,clean,laundry,anything my son needed i was there for him,but its all gone i have two other independent adult children but they don't need me unless they need something, funny how a Dr will tell u to take a pill and all will be better when all you need is the emptiness filled and no way of filling it so was wondering just how people really get through there loss or if they ever do thank you for listening and letting me vent  

Linda, I can only imagine the void that you feel. Much of your life was devoted to taking care of your son. It must feel, on some level, that your purpose in life has been snatched away from you. I'm so very sorry. Anything I could suggest to help you would seem trite and would miss the mark. I guess our best hope is to keep living so that the death of our children doesn't mean the death of our spirits.

thank you all my friends for the thoughts it really helps,i would love to help another but i am disabled also i am in end stages of copd really thought i would go before my son,but he went first,i would often pray to god to help me,with what would happen to him if i was to go,it weighed heavy on my mind,wasn't going to leave him with family they didn't understand him,so i always ask my self was this god saying i will take him my child and care for him.maybe so i am at peace where hes at just hurts alot he was innocent a beautiful son i never seen his disability just his smile again thank you all for your comments it helped  

Dolly, thank you so much for the lovely birthday card for Chris. It's so very appropriate and thoughtful. I love how the angels are carrying his ship to heaven. It will give me a new and positive image of how he spent his last days. You are a dear person. Sending hugs of gratitude.

Hugs to all!

Adrianne, how awful to watch your most precious one go through pain..but he is so loved by you. Please do not allow guilt to rob you of what was the most important ingredient in your relationship..nothing is your fault.. you did not go out to deliberately harm him..it just happened that some things backfired.please feel the enormous love you have for your son and he has for you..Losing an only child means we lose a part of the future which we thought we had, we lose the present and the future.. I can empathize and mourn along with you,but remember that every and anything in time has a span which we at this level do not know the 'why's' of... let us live in the now and keep the child firmly entrenched in the space of the heart..nothing else helps.. please do not walk down the road of guilt as there is terrible suffering there, we do have a choice, please use that.. hugsssssss 

Dawn..intensified and magnified other small things that every little disturbance assumes huge proportions... i hate this.

Adrianne, there is no guilt that you need to bear. The damage done to your son was done by another person and you did not bring that person into your life to hurt your child. We all do the best we can with the knowledge and abilities that we have at the time. There is no perfect parent. It's impossible to understand the nature of God and why He allows pain and suffering in this lifetime, but I don't believe He causes it. Our questions will be answered in the next life. Until that time, I hope that you continue to take each new breath as it comes. You are cared for here...no judgment or guilt. Please love yourself as we love you.

I just want to thank you all for helping me cope with the loss of my daughter, Kyra. Your presence in my life has given me hope that I too am strong enough to weather this unimaginable loss. Tomorrow we go to New Mexico to be with family, staying home would be much too difficult this year.  I am so honored to have met you all, such compassionate women. My we all find a little more peace and joy in the coming new year.
Much love,
Lynn

Lynn, you are a source of strength and hope for all of us, too. Your loss is very fresh and you give back so much. I pray that you feel Kyra's presence in a very special way during this Christmas season. I'm glad you've decided not to stay home, knowing how painful that would be. I'm keeping you in my prayers. Have a blessed, if not "merry," Christmas.

Lynn,

I echo Michelle's feelings. I wish you a peaceful Christmas

Please God, have a little mercy on all of us here.

We really need some "time out".

This hurts so much all the time.

We are tired.

Help us, please.

Just reading everyone's posts. I'm emotionally exhausted once again. 

Ditto: I also wish a Peaceful Christmas to all!

I watched a cute Christmas movie tonight called Prancer.. silly film in many ways but a sweet overall message... it did help me feel a little better today...

Same here Dawn.. every little things makes me weep.I am feeling quite overwhelmed by everything.

Every little thing makes me get upset and angry too.... and then the tears... any little change in the routine... any unexpected visitor... it all just makes me topple

I was on shut down yesterday.  I am overwhelmed with so much right now.  I just can't handle everything all at once like I use to.

Last night was a moment....one of my cousins who lost a child and came to my side when I lost Michael called me last night in tears.  She took on the mother role with me and gave me the comfort my mother couldn't.

Funny thing was all I could say to her were the same words she would say to me.  She thanked me for giving her comfort at a down moment.  I told her don't thank me because all I'm doing is telling you your own words back.  She realized that was true and we laughed taking the conversation to a different place.

Holidays are hard for us all.  It's not so much the holiday for me but the focus on family.  That is what hurts my heart.

It's not even here yet and I am emotionally drained yet again.  This is so exhausting.  

Woke up this morning from a horrible dream.  So confusing, but a man was telling me that they got my son.  He said it was horrible what they (police) did to him, but didn't explain.  Not the kind of dream we wish for.

Dawn, what you are going through is normal.  Really. Especially when we count the weeks, months in the beginning.  And maybe we never stop counting.  I counted the weeks and months up to 3 years.  I still will look to see how many have gone by at times, but I stopped posting it on his FB because my daughter told me she didn't think it was a good thing for me to do.  So I told her I would try to stop.  I still cry at the smallest things sometimes.  You learn to accept it and allow it.  The tear time gets shorter.

Dolly, I don't know how my husband puts up with me.  He is always the punching post for me.  I am rude and snappy with him almost every day and as soon as I do it I feel bad, but I guess I know he will tolerate it.  He does complain sometimes that I'm always treating him badly.  It's just all the holding in, and I need to let my frustration out and he's my outlet.  If only I could stop and think before I react..

I'm sorry about Chaz's uncle.  It does seem true that each new passing affects us more.

Thinking of you all even id I don't mention your names.  Praying we all have some relief today.

Ammy, what you said about being rude and snappy with your husband I understand so well. While yours understood, mine didnt..I said things which made him feel that i tore him to shreds,,, and it escalated into a cold war going on rt now. I dont know how to make things better, it only gets worse.23rd is the day my son passed away 2 years ago.. I think that in trying to keep it all together, the intense gnawing pain has just made me lash out.. wish he could understand its not him or my feelings about him. I know he hasn't had any children and it must be difficult for him to comprehend that this kind of pain isn't easy at all..no pain is and this one is everything magnified a 100 times... the last 3 days I have been crying and crying when I am alone.. now tomorrow on he has leave for 12 days.. I'm really scared of the anger I have unleashed in him,,2day he went to work without taking his lunch which I make everyday so that he eats home food, which he needs healthwise also.We did not sleep at all last night and around 3 am I went to where he was sitting and asked him to come to bed. He was very angry, didnt listen and in the morning I found him on the couch. I was so tired but i made a proper lunch for him to take but when I heard him leave and then got up I saw that he has left it untouched. I miss my son a thousand times more on such days.. I'm dreading the 12 days holidays and I feel like telling him to please show some 'mercy' as my son dies ...just 2years ago.just yesterday:(..

I don't know if we ever find Christmas as we knew it before.  Do we ever find any holiday the same as before?  I don't think so.  Part of us is always missing.  Reality.  We just have to learn to get through.  Sad way to live but it's our way.

Loving thoughts to all as this most wonderful day approaches and we are not able to fully appreciate it as we did before.  May the good Lord have mercy on us all.

Wow! We are in such a hard place right now.  All I want for Christmas is a moment of peace for us all.

I'm sorry if I flooded the room with too much trying to find Christmas... I so want to feel the joy again....

On top of losing my son 4 months ago, I had to put my dog down yesterday.  This grief just keeps growing. My pain is just too much right now. My daughter is inconsolable.  Please God bring us peace.

Debi, my condolences to you and your family.  Losing a pet for some of us is like losing a member of the family. 

I've just been reading everyone's posts.  Not much to say right now because everyone is saying it. 

Dolly flood away!

Im so over Christmas , Every time I hear a Christmas Carol on the radio , I turn it down . I have become a stranger to my friends . I no longer see them , let alone hear of them. I guess the mere thought of being with me is depressing . I dont know , and I dont bother asking them either. To me , they were not friends to start with . Now that I think of it , the friends I had , not one have had a death in the family . They all have their parents , and children so I guess Im too heavy on there shoulders. This is why , I have become a recluse . I see no one , except my son C, and he is worried about me. He can see I have withdrawn from so many things in life. I know there are a lot of people on here that its their first year without their loved ones. My prayers and thoughts are always with you. God help us all , in our darkest times. We so need the guiding light of Gods comfort . Take care all ...

Dawn, I'm sorry they disappointed you.  Things certainly do change after you have lost a child.  I haven't been able to figure it out, but I think they are scared of us.

I, myself, am usually hoping everyone will leave after 4 or 4 hours.  By then I'm emotionally exhausted with acting like everything is the same old normal.  I have a new normal and I just pretend longer than that.

3 more days to get through and I think we will all feel a little less stressed.  I can't wait.

Hope you all can relax a little.

Teresa, Debi, Mikad, Dolly,  I hear all of you.  Wish there was an answer for us to make things easier, but the only thing I know of is just getting through right now and not looking forward.  Remember, one step at a time, one breath at a time.  It's so much harder when we try to go too far down the road.  As hard as it is, try to stay in the now.

I am also exhausted lately and it has been hard to not think ahead, but I've been doing pretty well with it.  Just when the family starts talking about it or someone wants to come visit, then I get stressed. 

As always...you all are in my prayers, in my thoughts and in my heart.

Vasanthi, how are you doing?  Give a shout out.  Okay?

Difficult day, difficult, difficult, difficult!!!I think this will end only when i die

We all seem to be "stuck".

We have lost our children.

What else are we supposed to be?

I get out of bed.

I lay on the couch.

I cry.

I can actually feel the weight of my grief.

It's getting heavier.

I have no desire to live.

I want to be left alone.

I want this to be over.

Our ice storm.

We have been grounded for the last 4 days.

Dolly thanks that means the world to me.