Hello everyone. Thank you all for your support. I am struggling through these days and am going to be taking a trip to the East Coast to see my family. So that adds to the anxiety.  will be glad to be with my family but it is also hard because they really don't understand how we are feeling. And I am glad they don't have to. But it's so hard without Daniel. Just hurts so much. I know what you mean Dolly - I feel sick to my stomach every time I try to go to our storage space to get a few Christmas decorations out. Maybe just poinsettias and candles this year....sending hugs to you all.

I can see why people say the 2nd year is the hardest. I think the shock is beginning to wear off. I am blessed to have messages from my son and I know he is okay. But I am becoming angry again with the boy who was driving the car. I thought I had put that to rest but damn it. How could he be so reckless and cocky? I only pray that he really has learned his lesson. I found out the other day from Daniel's girlfriend that the driver's brother had made the same stupid move before with them i the car!! So I guess, he was taught that passing on the shoulder on the road is okay!!!!!! So now I wonder if we did the right thing asking for leniency. He was charged with a felony and we asked to lessen charge to a misdemeanor because we didn't think jail would help anything. But on the other hand I feel like he got off too easy. I don't know, it's so hard to come to peace with. I know anger won't help me or anyone else so I will try to be forgiving in the spirit of the season. If only that would bring my sweet boy back...

ILLUMINATING PERSPECTIVE

I had an illuminating experience at my doctor’s recently. The children had a tummy bug and our local GP was checking them out. Riley’s gurgling tummy confirmed it – yes they had gastroenteritis. I asked if there was much we could do to help them. Interestingly, the doctor then launched into a diatribe about the history of modern medicine.

“Well, the advice used to be to starve people with gastro and just give them fluids, but now after studying the starving people in African refugee camps, which are riddled with gastro, the general consensus is that feeding, rather than starving patients is more helpful to their recovery. So now we say, if they feel like eating let them eat, but just keep the fluids up.”

Then, as I was clearly quite fascinated with my history lesson, she continued “And if you ever need knee surgery, you’d go to Belfast, Ireland where surgeons have become experts at reconstructing knees. The IRA’s main punishment was and perhaps still is to shoot people’s kneecaps off so surgeons have become expert at repairing them.”

She must have had an open afternoon after our appointment because then she started telling me about the breakthroughs in medicine since World War II when plastic surgery was basically invented to help repair the massive burns to soldiers in combat.

The doctor finished off with one simple statement “God knows, what advances will come out of the Syrian conflict!” I don’t follow the news as I feel the focus is on the bad in the world, and I focus on the good, however, she posed an interesting question.

What she was saying is that all great tragedies throughout history have expanded knowledge, skills and awareness of our physical existence. We are now all better off in our lives because of these brave people who have gone before us and paved a better way.

We are all a part of the collective consciousness of the world. We are all part of the Universe and without our input, the world would stop ticking. We are part of it and can never be separated from it, just as our loved ones in spirit cannot ever truly be separated from us. We have our own important and unique perspective. Our lessons and growth add to the knowledge and wisdom of the whole.

So you and your tragedy of losing your loved one and me and my tragedy of losing my Lilygirl, at the risk of sounding “airy fairy”, are adding to the expansion of the Universe. It is not an insignificant thing.

We don’t know what will come out of the Syrian conflict and the answer is out of most of our hands, but we can choose what comes out of our own tragedy, and what impact we are going to have on the world. You are the hero in your life. I am the hero in mine and together, whether it feels like it or not right now, we are making the world a better and more expanded - place.

Lots of love. Erica Farrimond, author of best selling book, "Soothe Your Soul from Grief". To learn more go to amazon.com/author/grief

Why does God need tragedies to inspire change? When does the "all powerful" part of God kick in and stop tragedies? I have seen it happen...and NOT happen... and I can't see why ... what's the difference? Why are some tragedies averted in seemingly supernatural ways, and others NOT? I have ALWAYS been troubled by that...

Maybe Dolly, there are no tragedies in the realm of the God's... when we get there I suppose we will 'know'... otherwise it makes no sense...

Dawn-O .... my heart goes out to you..Stephen is such a wonderful boy and I can feel your hurt.. You didnt do anything wrong-- at any given time we do what we know.. and if we knew better we wd do better so just relax and dont allow ur mind to go to such places cos guilt is a terrible and unnecessary burden.. it really wont help at all.. know that you did the best u knew how and dont berate urself.. I have many many times felt deep regret for many many things and then it all just gets too much so I feel its easier to really trust that we did our best...more than religion i think its the personal deep experience of 'presence' which is everywhere... I read that through all these losses we finally open a window for the formless to enter our lives... God only makes everything possible.. we are too insignificant to claim ownership of good and also then bad things according to how we see good and bad.. so Dawn, I wish that you dont dwell on the accident-- I've been there and played and replayed it in my head so much and for days at a time that I could feel my skull cracking like his did-- forget it there is no point in all that.. just pain..All I want to share is that mentally surrender to a higher power,, we are more than our bodies and a cursory examination of the world will tell you that,, trust trust and trust.. xoxoxoxo

Dawn. I feel what you are saying...could not have written it any better... 4 1/2 years and I still feel the same way and my son had autism and a seizure is the beginning of his end... so it really does not matter the "HOW"  it is what it is... for all of us... They are dead... that is all that matters... gone... and I feel God has left us high and dry.  Lately I feel that I have been left by everyone, family, and GOD...I'm on my own...

Dawn when I went through the same thing your going through I called it my screw you God phase! There really is an explanation for all of us. If I start writing you will all unfriend me because I can go on about this subject! What I would like to tell you anyway is that God doesn't do these things to us. Atleast I don't believe he does. However in the days before Jesus, I do believe God was  wrathful, and a angry God, and he did punish humans. Then the anger, and frustration of God subsided when He created Jesus, his son. God became more gentle, and loving. I believe Jesus took the real punishment for all of us. I also had trouble believing that maybe there was no heaven. Maybe is it all a big bunch of nonsense. I suffered for many years battling God, and taking all of my anger out on him. Then one day I realized, how could I be so angry at one who does not exist? I don't believe God is responsible for our great loss. I dont' believe that the deaths of our children is part of God's plan. Ok talking too much. Peace, and Love to all!

I went to catholic school and attended mass every Sunday growing up.  But I don't consider myself a catholic now because I don't share all their views.  As a teenager I visited other churches and I was not afraid to talk about religion with others.

Today I don't consider myself anything but spiritual.  I pray everyday and I feel like I have a relationship with God. I think Erica is right we don't always know the reason, and I also agree with Anne God doesn't do bad things to us. 

Right now I hold onto my faith because it is all I have.  Even if what I believe doesn't exist or is wrong, it's not hurting me and it's giving me something to have faith and hope in.

I believe God gave me things before he took Michael.  I just didn't realize it until he was gone.  Michael was 29 so taking vacation with mom wasn't the hip thing to do in the past few years, but 3 months before his passing he went to London with me.  Michael has divorced parents but he spent every holiday the year prior with me.  The phone call him and I shared the day he passed and the words he said that day.  When he passed I was so angry when they wouldn't let me see him.  He passed on Friday and wasn't found until he didn't show up to work. I'm sure you realize his state.  Now I realize not only did they protect me but God protected me too.  He knew I would never be able to deal with seeing my son in any state but alive so he took him in away that didn't allow me too. 

I also believe he allowed me gifts after Michael's passing.  I had a 2 second dream, but I saw him and he had a smile. As I laid crying I swear I smelled him. And then at another weak moment I swear his name was written in the clouds.  To me this was God letting me know Michael is in heaven.

Don't get me wrong I still ask "Why" and I still try to bargain with God for Michael's return and there's days I just shake my head all day while repeating "No No No Not my Michael".  But I think God understands.

Hey if I'm wrong....so what!  if I'm right then one day I will see Michael again and understand it all.

I only speak for myself, I am not offended by anyone who shares anything.  We all do and believe what we need to.

I can almost hear someone thinking... she only 'believes' when things are going well.... maybe there's truth in that... but when everything seems to be thrown at you and no matter what you do it keeps getting WORSE it's hard not to question... impossible not to.. for me anyway..

I have cried every day for eight years.

The seven years of Danielle's illness and the last year since her death.

I have lived in an abyss for the past year.

When the pain became too much for me.

I surrendered myself to God.

It is what it is....................

There are no answers.

But there is the love we all have for our children.

That's where our strength comes from.

Jane yes.. Dolly I can well understand our confusion.. Teresa, yes there are many many small acts of mercy which saves us from total breakdown..Lynn I thought that hose stones hitting the car seem to be some kind of premonitory act but how the hell would we know ? I read every post and am so thankful for you all being here, I would feel utterly lost if it wasn't for all here..it is a support and a loving one regardless of why we are here but I am sure the group isn't a kind of random one.. it is there for our healing so again more than a million thanks.

Dolly

You're going to be okay....

xxoo

I went to Sunday School every week until I was too old.

So I was educated in that there was some kind of God out there.

I have not attended church since I was 19.

But for some reason I have always "talked" to God.

I love reading about all your beliefs.

I want my child to be with God, if she can't be here with me.

In Heaven, there is no pain.

As for me, I have to believe that there is a God and that He is in control of all things.  Not that he causes all things.  I believe that Jesus did come to earth to die for us.  But there are days when those unbelieving thoughts creep into my head.  What if there is no God?  What if I won't see my son or any of my loved ones again?  Then I make a choice to believe because if I'm wrong I won't know anyway ... will I?

May peace and comfort be yours.

Now, I'd like to ask if anyone believes that dreams have a message or are they made up from our subconscious?

I had the strangest dream Tuesday.  All I remember is that my son was there for a brief second and then I went to a door and opened it to an angel standing there.  It wasn't a good feeling because this angel was dark grayish in color, but not black and my first thoughts were 'it's the angel of death'.  I couldn't see it's face and it didn't say anything...just stood in the doorway.

I don't remember much else but it has been coming back to me in my thoughts.  You'll probably think I'm crazy, but at first I thought it was a premonition for me that I was going to die that night when I went to sleep.  And, yes, I was a little uneasy at first when I went to bed, but then I thought what does it matter to me if I die.  I'm ready whenever the time comes.  I just feel bad thinking of what my family will go through again.

Okay, I wrote it out.  Maybe it will leave me now.

Wishing you all a peaceful night.

Dolly

 I'm sorry you are having such a problem with your ears ringing. That must be awful. I go to a sacro-craniel Chiropractor and he's great. This particular method is different than traditional chiropractic "adjustments". They gently adjust your sacrum (largest bone in your body and center) and cranial (skull) bones. I've had friends with ear issues ie. vertigo, ringing and he has helped. Maybe there is someone in your area who does this type of work. Maybe it could help. My friend had gone to several ENT specalists also. (((  )))

Dolly, maybe a different doctor with a different approach.  so sorry you are having difficulties.

Ammy all I know is I had one dream of Michael 3 months after he passed.  It was of Michael driving by in a black car, he was holding up the peace sign with his fingers and had a big smile on his face.  It seemed like a 2 second dream.  I took it as God letting me know he is in heaven and he is ok.  Just recently one of his friends posted a picture on facebook and it is Michael with the same smile, holding up the peace sign, and he even has on the same white t-shirt he did in my dream.  the only difference was in my dream he was driving.  To me the dream was God saying he is here with me and he's ok. 

I think of Michael mostly all day and I cry everyday but haven't had any other dreams of Michael. So is it a message or was it my subconscious? I don't know.  I'm just grateful I got to see him. And I hope to some day have another one.

As Christmas gets closer my stress level is rising. Maybe we can find something to do to bring happiness to our hearts. How about if each day someone tells a story of one of their fondest holiday memories.

Like when I shared how Michael discovered there was no Santa when he discovered bar codes on everything.  Or there was they year he got so excited he was jumping all over the place and accidently hit my daughter in the face giving her a black eye on Christmas morning.  She was all dressed up in her Christmas dress with her new shiny black eye given to her by her brother.  Every year we would joke about the gift no body wanted from Michael.  Or like when they were little and I would have someone jingle bells and then convince them that Santa just flew by.

I'm just trying to think of ways to make this easier.  Maybe there is no way but to endure it.

Ammy's words

"I'm ready whenever the time comes.  I just feel bad thinking of what my family will go through again."

That is exactly the way I feel. I just want to go.

So it's not just me that feels this way?

Don't deny your dreams.

Don't deny the little signs.

Don't deny yourself the pleasure of having a "visit" with your child.

tomorrow is the anniversary of Sandy Hook

Merry,, My thoughts are with you.. Dolly... I feel so bad about that ringing in your ears, Please check out other alternate treatments, ayurveda etc may help..Ammy...I loved the honesty, the uneasiness we all feel with the subject..its so difficult to explain this to anyone.. ((((()))))) to all

Jane P I have no problem facing death either.  I won't make it happen because I have a daughter that has been doing everything in her power to help me make it through this and so I couldn't dare leave her like that.  I think she would feel as though she was less important to me and so I could never dump that on her.  I do hope to die of old age or even illness that I think she would eventually accept, but in no way would I cause it.  I can't say I never gave it a thought, but then I quickly thought of her.

Merry, I am so sorry.  We all know just how hard this is.  You are not alone.  As the holidays get closer it is getting much harder for many of us.  Today I went to a mall with a friend.  I talked a mile a second and went from one subject to the next.  She knew I was trying to distract myself.  I got to the carhartt section and my friend asked me about them.  Michael was a plumber I must have bought him everything they had carhartt in previous years.  Well after I told her how good they are for a working man I grabbed a jacket hugged it and cried.  Another moment I didn't see coming, but it did. 

It's hard Merry, I didn't participate last year and don't plan on it this year.  Maybe next year but this year I just don't have anything in me to do it.  I just want to make it through and guess what "I don't have to if I don't want to"  That's me trying to learn to be selfish.

Merry

It's okay to say No.

You're not up to it.

Please don't put that kind of pressure on yourself.

I'm not participating in Christmas at all.

I have not set foot outside of my safety zone.

People have to understand there are things we just can't do anymore.

We suffer each and every day, we don't need to make it any worse.

Yes, learn to be nicely selfish.

Dolly, I accidentally deleted my post to you but I wanted to ask if you recall the ringing starting if and when you went on a medication.

My daughter had terrible ringing in her ears for over a year.  She had an MRI and several tests and the ENT finallt told her there was nothing wrong and to come back in a year.  ??? a year?   She eventually went off a medication she was taking and the ringing stopped.  So just a thought here.

I hope you are able to find a solution because I'm sure it's very difficult to deal with.

I have learned to do as I feel, not what anyone expects of me.  Except for my husband and daughters I will push myself a little, but not if it's too much for me to handle.

Next month I will be at 3½ years and I still don't go to functions.  Sunday will be the second time I have gone to something we've been invited to.  And when Sunday gets here if I'm having a difficult time I can change my mind.

I believe you need to do this for yourself if it puts added stress on you.  Forcing yourself to do things you don't feel you can handle only adds to your misery.  You need to do what is best for you because no one else can do that for you.

For those of you stressing too much with thoughts of the holidays here is an Excerpt from a blog I read:

Many people talk about the stages of grief, what it should look like, how it can be timed. The truth for those of us out there who have experienced a journey fraught with loss is that there are no stages, no set time lines. Grief can swing around, come full circle, dragging you forwards and backwards on its own whim.

While everyone around you might be thinking it is time to move on or that you have finally begun to cope or “normalize”, you may be churning with turmoil and only beginning to understand the magnitude of what you’ve really lost.

While you outwardly carry on, getting dressed with socks that match and opening your home with a house key instead of trying to cram a car key into the lock, you may be inwardly struggling to survive. This can stretch into a long period of solitude full of self-reflection. The well-meaning friends and family in your life might inadvertently discourage any open grieving, encouraging you to “be happy”, “think positive”, or “move on with your life”.

This form of rejection can cause you to retreat into yourself as you pull away from those around you, isolating yourself on purpose. Often times it easier to be alone so you can express your pain rather than constantly trying to cover it up or be told to put it away by those around you.

I want to outline this today as a gentle reminder to others that when a griever seems to want to be alone, that it is perfectly normal and acceptable. It often is nothing to do with you or what they think of you as a person. They are not trying to subtly tell you they dislike you or prefer the company of someone else. They are not being selfish or refusing to cope, nor are they in denial. They are simply grieving and behaving normally for someone in that much pain.Sometimes being alone can be the most helpful thing for them.

When the magnitude of the loss becomes too great, it can bring us to our knees. We need time to think, to ponder, to go over the details of our loved one’s life and death over and over again in our minds until we can find some measure of resolution on some aspect of it.

Oh Merry, you don't need to keep it together for your family and friends.   You just really need to tell them how you are feeling.   If they love you, they will understand, and I'm sure they do love you and want you to be okay and do what you need to do for yourself.  I understand that most don't truly know what you are feeling so you need to be responsible and tell them.  There is no shame in being honest.  

Keeping you and all us moms in my prayers.

Dolly, I'm not sure of the name but I believe it was an anti-depressant for her anxiety/panic symptoms.  I will ask her.  XO

Hello to all. I still can not grasp the mere concept that my son is gone. It's still unimaginable to me and it's been since Oct. 2009. It still feels like no time has passed even though each sunrise reminds me that he's not here. Keeping myself busy helps with my sanity but it still comes down on me heavy when it time for me to go to bed, I think of when I was pregnant with him and the day he was born....I remember every detail and I think of the day I learned what happened to him and the whole week I spent with him in ICU and the worst news I've ever heard when they told me there was nothing else they could do for him. Someone asked today how come I joined a group like this and how does it benefit me, I told them that everyone here gets "it" and my feelings and thoughts are validated and that's so important to me.

Dolly, so glad to hear your ears are better. Prayers for their continued improvement! Merry, I know how hard this is, so you can be assured of my prayers as well. Vasanthi, you are so sweet and thoughtful of everyone. I pray that you are receiving comfort as well. Teresa, Anne, Ammy, Dawn, Jane and EVERYONE, I know how hard these holidays, though blessed, are for all of us.

Today would be Christopher's birthday. It is the first time in 42 years that I won't be with him or hear his voice when I wish him a "Happy Birthday." My hope is that, for him, it's the best birthday he's ever had. Chris, mom misses you so very much! I love you!

Today is 15 months since my Michael left. Once again as I'm struggling, messages came from every direction.  I am so overwhelmed right now.  I either have family and friends that read my mind and feel my pain or it is Michael sending me messages through them.  MICHAEL MOMMY LOVES YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lynn, my heart goes out to you on this anniversary. The pain is searing, I know.

Teresa, these anniversaries are so very hard. Know that Michael is with you. I'm glad that you have support among family and signs from Michael. Adrianne, we have to believe that our kids are OK. Be confident that he is much better off right now that you are and he's wishing you comfort.

Sorry I'm having a rough morning.

As sad and as hard as all this is, I know I'm not alone. My heart is with you all and thank you for being there for me as well.  I'm in a really ugly place today.

Happy Birthday Danny, I will always love you.

Happy Birthday Danny.. u r loved.

Teresa, Am with you, please know that you are not alone. Michelle, Thank you so much for asking. I am having a very rough time.. I try to push it deep down but 23rd dec it will be 2 years and every passing day makes me ache. I have many many conflicting emotions.. new adjustments, new environment , a new role ... I only know I have to keep trying.. that every time a negative emotion rears its head and it can be anything and not just to do with death, I battle it out inside.. just feel very alone sometimes because who can make this go away or who can make it better? its like aching and aching and I think all I want is to see my son and hear him and tell him how much he means to me always and always will.

Dick that was a beautiful tribute to Danny.  My heart is with you.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=576274152461166

I don't know if I did this right but the link leads to a really beautiful song someone sent me.

Ditto to what everyone here has said. I hope I can get on a plane on Thursday. One day at a time.

Oh how my heart hears all of you.

Sleeping or not sleeping is all part of this.  I can remember being up all night and going through the next day that first year or even longer.  I haven't pulled an all nighter in awhile now, so that is good.  

Being tired is normal.  In my opinion it is from mental exhaustion.  Our minds are always thinking about our child (children) or 'it' or how we're going to be, or how are we going to get through 'it'.  We can't shut it off unless we learn how to distract ourselves from it.

I made it to the baby christening yesterday.  Did fine at the church, but when we went to the hall for the after party one of our nieces came up to me and asked how I was doing.  Well, I'm use to people asking that, but the look on her face made the tears start to flow.  I was able to regain composure quickly and the rest of the time went okay as I kept myself busy with my two youngest grandchildren (1 & 5).  They are definitely a big help with distraction.

Today is a blah day.  Just breathing.  Can't even figure out what to have for dinner.  One hour, one day, just breathe.

Love & comfort to you all.