I should clarify.

I will honour Christmas Day.

But I will do it quietly by myself.

I'm ok with this.

I just don't have the emotional strength that will be required.

December 2 was the first "anniversary" of Danielle leaving for heaven.

It took everything out of me. I need time to recover.

What a crappy deal we've all been handed.

I am usually annoyed when someone tells me how strong I am.

How strong all of us are.

But I am starting to think it's true.

How else could we survive?

I also have asked the "hope" question.

What is there to hope for?

You have to have feelings to have hope.

And my feelings have yet to return.

Christmas is so hard. My Daniel left us on Dec 1,2012 and I know what you all mean. I am not doing Christmas the same . I can't I will do what i can and not worry about it. I love internet shopping now because I can stay home and take care of the family members I will shop for. I also found some beautiful little heart lockets for my little nieces that I will put a picture of Daniel in and their initial on front of it. Only if I feel something, am I going to do it. Last Christmas, we just skipped it. We went away for a few days to the beach north of Santa Barbara. You carry your pain where ever you go but it helped not being at home without him.

I want to remind everyone of the Compassionate friends Candle lighting this Sunday Dec 8 at 7pm, local time. I will repost info on Sunday. Good luck to all getting through the holidays. Hugs to all.

December seems to be extra hard for all of us here..It will be 2 years this December 23rd.. I have to keep telling myself that I will have a quiet day and not let panic stricken , anxious thoughts enter.. Craig and me will spend the hols right here and do all the major cleaning and putting away and redoing of some areas.. we had enough of travelling and home seems to be the better option. I was just thinking that in distressing times like these, its better to be by myself , then even if i weep silently no one gets alarmed. If I start crying I cant seem to stop, so I am extra careful and just kind of stay centered on the thought that all must be fine. Other tensions seem magnified and I am dealing with it allby hoping that if I deal with it alone, no one needs to have all this @#@$$#$# loaded on them..i'm rambling!

The candle holders we made at my mother's grief club are beautiful.  I made copies of a photo of Kyra from two winters ago.  She used it as her Christmas card last year.the picture is surrounded by tissue paper and when the candle is lit, it looks like stained glass. I will burn my candle on Sunday. 

Today I was in my car listening to NPR and crying constantly wanting some sign Kyra is with me, when my car radio some how jumped to her favorite station that was programmed in. I didn't touch anything. I stopped crying and felt it was her,helping me.  As long as I keep crying everyday it seems to relieve the spells of terrific sadness and anxiety so I can function.

What a gorgeous picture Lynn. No doubt in my mind that your beautiful daughter is with you, helping you through. I love that her favorite station came on! Crying is a release and shows how deep your love is. I need to cry everyday or my heart will explode.

I haven't posted much lately but you're all in my heart and prayers during this holiday season. I'm sorry that new members have had to experience the loss of a child. And I'm sorry for those of us who have been on here for awhile. It still doesn't seem real somehow.

This past week, I have been using my son's computer because I wanted to send out and receive messages  on his facebook. In looking for a password, I was going through his stickie notes. I found this poem. I don't know who wrote it, but I felt like it was coming straight from him and wanted to share it with you all.

Hello my friends,
Once again,
I'm here to speak of never ends.
Reality then slips to dust,
Onto this planet we were thrust.
And once we're here what do we believe?
Some choose to lie, to cheat, to deceive.
But love above will conquer all,
Tis all that will pick you up when you fall.
Forever we shall be
Forever you and me
And float into eternal abyss
And share that moment with a kiss.
As reality then turns to gray,
All that matters is this day.

I need to vent badly. I talked to my mother today. My sisters 13 yr old dog passed away. My sister told me that now she knows the deep grief of losing a loved one. My mother repeated it today. I am livid. They compared the death of the dog to the death's of my sons. Who does that? Since when is the death of a dog more important or as painful as losing a child? They are going to have a funeral for the dog, but not a one of them came to help me bury my sons. Am I overreacting? Did I miss something along the way? Was her dog more important to my family than my child? My heart is deeply hurt. I feel like crawling into a hole. I can't believe my family would compare the loss of a dog to the loss of my child. When I looked at my sisters fb page there were over 17 comments about how sorry they are about the dog. When my children died I didn't hear from any of them. My cousins all expressed sympathy for the loss of the dog, and not a one gave me any support when either one of my boys died. How does a person forgive this kind of behavior? The deaths of my sons have been compared to many things but not a dog. I am hurt, and I am very angry. Here it is Christmas time. I work so hard to keep upbeat, and pleasant, and now this. Just when I think things are ok my family throws a monkey wrench into my recovery. We all love our pets as part of the family, but losing a dog is no where near close to losing a child. I don't even know what to say to them anymore. I wish I could tell all of them how hurtful they have been to me, and my little family. If I do go off on them then I am no better than they are, but this whole dog thing takes the cake. I'm so hurt I'm shaking. Please somebody tell me that the deaths of my sons is far more important than my sisters dog. I am crushed.

Anne,

I am so sorry that you had to experience this.I have tried telling people who compare losses that losing a child is the worst pain ever, it goes deep. it is primal, it hits at the root of life, the creative aspect of it..now I have stopped because I felt it gets competitive..people want to feel that their loss is the worst and I am not playing that game simply because what we lose is personal and so unique ...Like Dawn-O said , it is not the natural order of things and so we question as to why did something happen which isnt in the natural order? Deep within I feel that they are very evolved souls who decide to come for a while and light up the lives of the ones they deeply love.. having done so we will never ever be alone again because they are only a heartbeat away and have given us the treasure of a personal love...Man and his pets too have very special bonds..pets teach us about unconditional love.. that word is much touted and misunderstood.. we can try to accommodate the experience people have with their pets and acknowledge that that loss also is a painful one..in accomodating I feel I lose the urge to fight and convey how deep my wounds run..in accomodating I feel love is all inclusive of its many forms..its a difficult fight within myself but I plan on continuing with feelings which enlarge rather than diminish me..love to all xoxoxox..am always here n reading what u write.

Connie, all I can say is wow about that poem. I agree, it must have been meant for you to find that. Hugs.

Hello to all, just checking in as I read the postings. As always, my heart is with you all.

Anne I am so sorry your family said and made such cruel comments to you.  Some people are very fortunate to have parents and siblings that are a comfort and support us unconditionally.   I like you never had a mother who was able to be there for me.  When ever I had good news to share, she always knocked me down.   I can only talk to her on the phone a couple of times a month since Kyra died.  She is unable to comfort me or really understand what I am going through.

I did learn from my experience with her how to be a loving mother to my own children, to give them unconditional love and always be there for them.  This was my life's lesson to be the parent I always wished I had. Sending hugs and kindness Lynn

OMG! Anne, your sons are much more important. 

I have experienced the passing of my grandparents, friends, aunts/uncles, cousins and pets but NOTHING compares to the pain I feel with Michael's passing.  Eventually I was able to accept their passing's, with my son it has been over a year and I am in such a state of grief and I know I will NEVER be able to accept this.

Yet one friend compare the break-up with her boyfriend to my son's passing, I have my mother who won't acknowledge, and others who want to tell me about other loses in their life.  Until you wear these shoes you have no idea how tight and painful they are.

I don't understand how they could be so insensitive but maybe it is time for you to find out.  I finally confronted my own mother.  For the first time she actually hugged me.  I felt like a 5 year old.  I still don't expect much but I felt so much better letting it out. 

Do you really have anything to lose? 

Not in anyone's defense but I was one of those ignorant people.  Years ago when my friend lost her son, I was right there for her doing everything I could.  But I also said things to her like "he wouldn't want you to cry" and "He'd want you to go out and be happy"  As soon as Michael passed she called me and the first thing I said to her was "I'm sorry" I had to tell her I was so sorry for all the ignorant things I said to her because I had no clue.  I had to apologize for trying to push her back to life.  I guess because of this I have been able to tolerate some of the things said to me now by others.  Don't get me wrong I still get mad but I try not to show it or respond to it. 

I hate seeing us all here and would wave the magic wand for us all if I had one, but we all know none of us can do that.  I appreciate you Anne, you have experienced this pain not once but twice, yet you come on here and you share with us and I know you encourage me.  I am so sorry for your family's response.  But again maybe for yourself it is time to confront them.

Connie, the poem is perfect.  It's like he left you a note, what a gift to receive. 

Just one more thing and I'm done.  I went to the store to get a white candle for tomorrow.  The Christmas music was playing, people were shopping and being a little nicer than usual, the decorations were out and the trees were up.  All this going on around me while I stood in an isle picking out a white candle to burn for my deceased son! THIS SUCKS!

Anne, all I can do is send you some EXTRA hugs....so sorry.

Anne, I'm so sorry about your family's behavior.  I can only say it is a lack of personal knowledge.  A knowledge we wish on no one.  Let go and let God comfort you.  You are amazing and you will overcome this just as you have overcome so much.  Sending my heartfelt gratitude for all you do for this group.  Hugs XO

Connie. the poem is beautiful and very special.  I'm happy that you found it and I hope it has given you some comfort.  Hugs.

I am always thinking of you all.  I just haven't been able to function much lately, but I am trying to keep up with the posts.  Been having many triggers lately and I am supposing it is because of the season.

I think you all are amazing in your own special way and I appreciate getting to know you even though it has to be on this site.  I wish it could have been in another way but we are here and, sadly, we can't change the circumstances.

As always ... in my thoughts and prayers.  ♡♡♡♡♡

WOW Anne I read your rant and was ranting right along with you.... I agree with what many have said...Lynn, I too have not had much family support... and Teresa is right, I am sure we were once in the group of "Them" saying all the dumb ass things... I have lost plenty of pets... and I miss them and they all are special... I lost a husband when I was 21.... I lost my Dad... after I lost my son that was 14 and had Autism.... My sister lost an infant yet tries to compare that to my fight for 14 years for my disabled son..... and people telling me things like "It was a Blessing" ..."Now  you can have a "NORMAL" life".... GOD gave you this "Blessing".... and let's not forget my Mother and Brother saying I should have had a F*&KING Abortion any way....  Or that I  "Had to have that baby".....  Yes ANNE RANT On... I am ranting with you....AMEN!

I had a breakdown on Friday . I went to my son C , after work closed. I got to his home and his Fiance told me that he has been by his brother and sisters grave since 4pm. I got to his home at 5.30pm. When he got back home, I could see the heartache in his eyes. It broke me to pieces and I was busy saying something in a sentence and I just broke down and howled like a baby. This grief is like a vulture . It picks at your very soul at random without asking . Today is a cold wet day by us ... I so wish the sun will shine. Im alone in the home and I feel like I have cabin fever. I so wish this whole Christmas period is over , not that it helps much . During Christmas the pain intensifies , and by the 25 Dec , all I want to do is go and sit by my children . My mind keeps on going back to the last December I saw my son , he had decided to leave on Christmas day and travel through to his destination. He came around to me , and sat with me a while. I knew he was in a hurry so I didnt keep him. NOW, I wish I could turn back time .. I would have made him stay longer and of course , tell him how much I loved him . My children never had much of a father. Yes hes around , but he never gave my children the chance to get close to him . I think now , he must regret that so . I pity him . I have to hate towards him or his new wife. Just pity .

My thoughts are with you all who are here. We are all in the same boat just sharing our grief and trying to find comfort. I have recently realized that I cannot open FBook much . Everything irritates me.

I need sleep / I find myself going to bed earlier more and more. Not much to do once Ive had a shower and eaten.

Take care all ... ((hugs))

My candle today has 3 wicks; one for Michael, one for my fiancé best friend and the 3rd one is for all of your children. Today I am thinking of each and everyone one of you and your kids.  They will forever burn in our hearts.   

Thank you Teresa.. I am so touched.

PEACE Teresa and everyone..... PEACE....

Yesterday seems like it was a day of constant reflection.  Sadness and tears; a sort of cleansing.  It's so hard when going through it, but it does help me to get it out.

Dolly, I often think why didn't I know; why didn't I see something.  As Dawn said, 'it's not our fault'.  I think somewhere deep inside us we think we could have prevented it if only......  In moments of clarity, I know/believe there is nothing I could have done.  But that comes from my faith.  The mom in me thinks differently at times.  It's just not easy.

Warm hugs everyone.  

Teresa, thank you for the loving thoughts.  I too have my candles ready for tonight.  I don't have a meeting close to where I am or I would go, but I do the lighting.  

yes... you will always replay that day over and over again.... thinking If Only.... could have should have would have

Anne I am so sorry for your family made you feel so bad. They really just do not get it! It hurts that they don't.. Maybe you could write your sister expressing how sorry you are for her loss and then use it as an opportunity to finally explain YOUR loss and how devastating it has been to you. I don't know you family dynamics but I do pray that you find some peace wit then somehow for your sake. I hate that your are hurting even more. But we are always be for you at least to talk to

Praying for all our kids at the candle lighting tonight. I'm having trouble uploading the photo, but I'll try again tomorrow.

Anne, telling your family how you feel is not sinking to their level.

The red frame is Michael and my fiance. It was taken a few months prior to his passing.  Then in the silver frame is my daughter and Michael.  It was taken shortly beofre my father's passing in 2008.  Then there is a picture of Michael and my dad at the stadium.  Michael's team got to play there when he was 13.  Then the last one is of Michael and myself at one of my annual BBQ's.  Us hugging was not an unusual site.  I miss him so bad!

Thank you all for sharing.  The pictures of your children are beautiful and touch my heart.  We love them all so much.

thank you all for sharing .... I feel so much love for you all and for your children... I feel like we are connected in a way that is different than any other kind of connection that exists between people... its a connection we wished we didn't have to share, but nevertheless it is a strong loving one.... I don't know what I would do without you all...

Dawn-O, I don't know if you can do this from a mobile device so if you find you can not, you will need to use a computer.  Learned this after much frustration. 

So what you need to do is go to your page.  From the index on the left of your page click photos.  Then click on a picture you want to work with.  It will open up and above the picture on the right hand side is the word options.  On the right of Options is a triangle. Click that to get a menu including a delete option .  Hope it works for you

"This grief is like a vulture. It picks at your very soul at random without asking."   Wow, Mikad, that is exactly how I feel. I read your post and this quote just stays with me......

I hit it. The wall. I feel like I'm at ground zero again.

Hang on Connie.  I hate to say this but you will hit that wall more than once or twice.  You are coming to the end of your first year if I am correct, and the holidays are quickly approaching.  These individually throw us off, but yours are close together.  You will pick yourself up and start again, but you are not where you were before.  You are a little way down the path so you won't be starting at the beginning even though it may seem that way.  

Talk it out, write it out, shout it out.  Whatever helps you get through this time.

There are many here that are struggling with the first year.  Sometimes my heart really aches when I think of you all because I remember that first and second year and I don't ever want to repeat them.  Even after finishing my third year I slide down that hill into the valley, but it's not as often nor as hard.  Nothing can ever make it right again, but we learn to live this new normal as best we can and when we hit that wall or slide down that hill it's not as shocking as in the beginning.  We learn little ways to help us get through.  At least that has been my experience so far.

I hope you are already feeling a little less dazed from hitting that wall.  If I can help you in any way, just let me know.

Warm hugs.

I just can't imagine a day when this does not hurt.  It's like the pain is now a part of me. Connie I'm with you.  It's been 15 months yet to me it feels like yesterday. The pain is still so raw. 

Ammy your words hit home with me today. 

Teresa I agree.  It'll be 3 years for me this next March and the holidays always bring back the memories.  This pain never goes away.  It will always be a part of us.  A friend told me once, she had lost her daughter too.  She describes it as having a permanent hole in heart for the rest of your life.  It's learning to live with that missing piece of our hearts and just going with what each day brings.  When I'm sad I cry and when I'm happy I treasure it because of the fact that I can feel happy sometimes even with that hole in my heart.  Sending hugs to all of you who are going through this.  Each year, it does get a little bit better but also know there will be days where it becomes raw just like the first day.