Checking in also.  Tough week isn't it?  

It does surprise me how so many memories come flooding back around holidays.  

I really don't want to have the family get together, but feel I have to.  Sometimes I wish I could just be selfish and say no.  I wonder if anyone thinks about how I feel and how hard it is for me preparing for these family functions.  It's always the before that's the hardest part for me.  Once they get here I usually get distracted for most of the time.

Anyone else have these problems?  Found any solutions?  Anne?

As bad as I've been feeling lately my heart still aches for all of you as I read your comments filled with pain, and I'm also happy for you that are having some good things going on in their lives.  

Teresa, I loved your positive post on what you are thankful for.  Thanks for sharing it.

Sending blessings of peace & love.  I pray we all will find something to be thankful for and that it will help lighten our mood.

I don't have anything to say today, I'm just here.

Teresa they sent me back the rough draft of the article being written about our family for the CAP book.. she did an amazing joy with the disjointed babbling I did over the phone... we had both been overwhelmed with anxiety just before she called on the day she took down the information for the article, and I couldn't stop talking and must have sounded like a lunatic, but she was able to pull it together somehow... I have to tweak it a bit because we sound better than we are... not sure how to express it, except we are just folks... folks with a love for this population, but we're not special.... I'm always frustrated when people say that we're special because I know we aren't.. I know all the skeletons.... but most of what she said is right on the money .. I'll tackle the changes after Thanksgiving... she's going to have a baby anytime so wants it done...

I just wanted to say hi. I've been lurking for quite awhile, not able to really add anything to any conversation. My 30 year old son died suddenly on August 6th of bacterial meningitis. It's still a shock. He leaves behind his wonderful wife, twin girls who will be 2 soon and an infant son. The loss is beyond words. I just wanted all of you to know that I have been reading the posts and praying for us all. Everything you all say is what I want to say. The holidays are going to be unbearable. I take my strength from all of you. I wish us all peace.

Debi I am so sorry for your loss.  My 26 year old daughter died on the 17th of August this year.  I know what you mean about the rawness.

This will be the first holiday without her presence.  Thanksgiving was her favorite.  Dolly you are so full of love for everyone and deserve what ever praise comes your way.  I hope you are enjoying your oldest's son visit.  I am glad to be going to the grief counselor this morning I am feeling very fragile and lonely.  Tomorrow we will go to a friends for dinner. My other daughter and step sons are plane rides away so we will not see any relatives.  Dawn.. hugs, this time of year is so hard I can't wait to get through the dark inside days of winter up in Vermont.  

Connie thinking of you a lot this is the anniversary of your loving son's passing.  I am sending hugs, prayers, and kindnesses to you and all of us on this site.  

Oh Dawn, your not to blame. You have not failed. As parents we do the best we can. Lot's of people make bad choices in life. I have made a few of my own. The night before my Ben died he was drinking. Heavily. The following day we were to meet to baptize my grandson. Ben was hard to get a hold of that morning. My daughter picked him up. He had a terrible hang over. He got into her car, and did not buckle up. When the man driving the other vehicle hit my children the air bag deployed, and hit Ben in the chest, and caused him to aspirate. That's how he died. I used to think that had he had his seatbelt on, and did not have a belly full of alcohol from the night before he might still be here. I don't wonder about that anymore because it does no good for anyone. He's gone, and nothings going to bring him back so there's no point in letting it get the best of me. I don't believe that makes me a failure as a mother. Once our children become of age we can't stop them from making bad choices. All we can do is love them. Obsessing comes with the grief territory, just don't let it take you down too far, for too long.

Dear Ammy, the holidays are going to come, and go wether we like it or not. The only thing we can do about them is prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. To tell the truth I have only been with my daughters, husband, and 2 grandchildren for the holidays since my Ben died. I put together the best holiday I can for them, and roll with the flow. I guess I never want what's left of my own little family to think that I love them any less. My siblings, and parents don't care much for me anymore, and I am ok with that now. I will not ever force them to love me ever again. I tried for many years to get them to understand, but to no avail. So I just do the best I can, and that's all I can do. Sometimes I miss the whole family holiday thing, but I came from a family that could never get a long during the holidays so I feel that I'm not missing much. I'm not bitter, but I do have a bit of a hard shell when it comes to them. That's the only way for me to survive them! What I'm trying to say is to just do the best you can. No one should ask any more of you. The first holidays are the worst, but you will find your way through them. This Thanksgiving my husband, and I will be alone. One daughter is working, and the other lives 7hrs away, and my husband has to work on Friday, so I will make a good meal, and just be thankful for what I have, what I've had, and for hopefully the good yet to come. Whether you enjoy the holidays or not as long as you do the best you can I'm sure the next day will always be there. I have held onto the thought that there's always tomorrow for a long time, and it has served me well. I'm thankful for God, and I'm finally thankful for my life, the good, and I guess the bad too!  The song goes "I could've missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance", and I wouldn't have wanted to miss that dance for anything! Peace, and Love to all!

Welcome Debi!  I'm sorry you even have to join this group, but we are here for you.

Debi

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope we can all help each other through these holidays.

If anyone remembers, I am asking folks to light a candle in memory of my Daniel this Sunday night at 8pm. It is the 1st anniversary of his passing. I think he likes to see the candles lit for him!

Unbelievably depressed. Sorry, Debi, that you had to be a member of a group that no one wants to join.

Blessed Thanksgiving to everyone here.

Hang in there everyone. I will be home all day tomorrow so I will check up on here. My heart is with all of you, and I wish you all a peaceful, and easy thanksgiving. Well as easy as it get's anyway. Sending you all (hugs), and strength.

Debi, I'm so sorry you have to join us. HUGS HUGS and more HUGS.

Last year I was numb and very raw, this year I have to face the reality.

THANK YOU to all of you, including those who are silent. 

It;s been such a difficult and emotionally draining week. So yesterday I did some deep meditating because I felt like I was going to have a breakdown. I couldn't quiet the chatter in my mind and find any peace with the dreaded anniversary of the accident. I prayed to see Daniel again and I felt his presence. I said I know you are with me but I so wish I could hug you again and feel you in my arms. Then This morning I woke up early but managed to go back to sleep. When I did I had the most vivid dream in which I was preparing to sing with my choir.  Before we started I saw Daniel there! And he came over to me and hugged and kissed me. It was so real, I can feel it now. I got to feel the love we shared like we used to - a real hug and a sweet kiss on the cheek from him, he laid his head on my shoulder. I just woke up about an hour ago right from the dream and I can't believe it. It is the most real and vivid dreams I've had. I had one before where he was a baby but usually they are so jumbled up. I feel like he really came through for a visit to give me the hug I so desperately needed today. Thank you Daniel . Thank you God. Now I have to hold it together enough to go sing because I miss him even more. But I know that he was saying that he would be with me when I sing today. If they sing the song I dreamed about I'm REALLY gonna be freaked out!! (we don't know the songs until we get there for rehearsal before service)

Dolly and everyone you are all in my heart and I will pray that your hearts can be open to receive love from God and surely your children will be with you in spirit. But I know how bad the longing is to have them physically with us. It's just so hard to be here without them and I wish you all some peace today.

Love to all

well we're done eating and cleaning up... now what?

I am taking today a little at a time. Seems to be working. Ill admit I am a little lonely. My husband is out checking the fence lines, and I am home, turkey in the oven, and just sitting. The world does go on, but we are not alone. I have a feeling that our loved ones will not be forgotten in the hearts of those who loved them, especially during the holidays. Peace!

Connie I'm so happy for you. I'd give anything to see Michael again even if it's a dream. I want to know the ending. Was the song on the list?

Yesterday I went to go from my mother's to my sister's house, which was only 10minutes away.  A route I have taken a zillion times. Straight down one street, make a left, continue straight and there.  Well, I don't know why it kept going wrong but I just couldn't get there. I kept making unnecessary turns and at one point even ended up at a dead end.  I just couldn't get my thoughts straight.  It took me 35 minutes to arrive.   

Oh Connie I am so happy for you! Those dreams are very special. I've not had one, but I'm always happy when someone does!

Well one big holiday down, and 2 to go. I haven't felt bad all day. My husband on the other hand had a rough day. We watched Lassie Come Home this morning, and I looked over at him, and tears were rolling down his cheeks. I asked him what was up. He said he was feeling sad about the boys, and the dog. Then we watched Independence day, and I looked over, and he had tears. I had to ask what was wrong. It's just not like him to be so, so, tender about something in a movie. He said that ever since Ben died certain things that happen during movies gets to his heart. I was glad he was letting stuff out. Men tend to push those kinds of feelings down, but I'm thankful for the times when he does share them with me without me having to pull to hard.

Thanksgiving is over, and tomorrow is a new day. Good or bad I will just do the best I can.

No - the song wasn't on the list!

I'm sorry it was such a hard day for everyone. I ended up having to take my best friend to the ER. She had major surgery 2 weeks ago and now it looks like they damaged her ureter when removing a stent they had put in during surgery. Just found out that she has to go in for another surgery tomorrow to try to fix it. She's had NO bladder control since surgery (a total hysterectomy and fibroidectomy). I get so upset when the doctors screw up what should have been a simple thing. Now she's hysterical. I hope she's going to be okay. :(

Connie it wasn't on the list because that song was for you. 

I have to focus on getting things done for this tournament.  It's not as easy as I thought it was going to be.  The hardest part is the emotional side of it. 

Anne, I can relate to your husband.

I was thankful to spend the day with friends yesterday.  I managed not to cry until almost the end of the visit and then cried all the way home.  The day was hard. It was Kyra's favorite holiday and she always called me for my stuffing recipe. A call I didn't get this year. My friend made a toast to her as we sat down to eat.

Good luck with the tournament Teresa. I know it will be hard but when you see it come together it will be worth it . What a wonderful way to honor him through something he loved so.

continued....

Today is Black Friday and I have no desire to holiday shop this year.

It is 20 degrees outside and snow blankets the ground.  I wish I could distract myself by going outside and working in my flower garden, but that won't happen for months.  I moved my bird feeders to the front lilac bushes so I can watch the action while on my computer.  The bright yellow finches feathers have turned dark olive green is gone.  How I wish I liked winter but I hate it.  Hopefully my husband can go for a drive before it gets dark at 4:30.  I told him next year since I've retired I was going to leave in January.  I have two single friends one who is moving to Houston, TX next summer and the other lives in LA.

Sometimes I wish I was still working but I couldn't get up in front of a 100 middle school kids every day and teach, without falling apart. In the winter some days seem to last forever.   

Good luck with the hockey fundraiser Teresa.  Connie I am so sorry to hear about your best friends health issues.  You must be so stressed with everything else going on this weekend.  Dolly like you most days I feel nuts. Dawn and Anne sending hugs.  We will all find our way.

Lynn maybe you could share your recipe with US... sort of in her honor... I so often feel the urge to have someplace to put all this special stuff down and share it with others... but no clue how or where...

Just saying hello to everyone and sending my love.

Karima, I would like to welcome you here. I am so sorry for your loss. I also wish I had the answer to take our pain away. I agree with what you said, especially about no one having the right to judge or criticize your belief system.

I'm open to anything anyone wants to share regardless of their belief system.  No of us were given a handbook on how to do this.  We all have to do what is right for us, even if it isn't right for someone else.

Karima, it saddens me to welcome you to the group.

Lynn I love to garden too. It is like therapy for me. 

Karima I am so sorry for the loss of your eldest son.  Losing a child turns your world upside down.  I often don't know who I am anymore.  Its only been 3 1/2 months for me and the pain feels so intense everyday.  We are here to support each other with love and understanding.  We all our in different places in the grief journey, and travel different spiritual paths, but we are all mothers who have lost our precious children, that is what bonds us here.  Love and hugs to you and all of us on this site.

Another Thanksgiving gone by.  It still hurts.  Time in some ways has helped heal my heart but there are some days when it still shatters into pieces again. Missing my son today and everyday.  Sending hugs to you all.

Thank you so much Sophia I needed to hear that right now.

Karima,

I cant really say welcome but yes , all of us here are there for each other and not for one moment did any of us even think of religion, race, caste etc.. though everyone has the right to draw strength from their belief system and we always support that... The 'medium' debate seems to have triggered something in you which made you assume that views are somehow being thrust on  others? That isn't so, we all just share whatever is foremost in our minds andget the help and understanding which we get from no other. Also if it appears that tempers run high sometime we treat it as a very natural part of being so raw inside. Everyone understands these minor flareups and we love each other more for being so human.. I am sorry , really sorry that your eldest son isn't here, please do feel free to share whatever you are going through and we are here for you.

Everyone.. just checking in to see how everyone is.. love to all.. we got back at 1 am last nite and am still kind of unwinding back home.Craig's family was very nice and warm, and I felt the inclusion immediately.. so my fears have been put to rest.. IKts December and I am flinching with each passing day:(

Your not alone Dolly.  At times I get this overwhelming sense of fear even though I know the worst has already happened.  there's days I tell myself I can do this and then there's days I feel so lost and not sure who I am.

The holidays don't help. The hockey tournament is going to become my new Christmas, it's emotionally hard.  His friends list is filling up which is filling up my heart but making the tears come even more. 

Michael never had a facebook, he didn't want one.  He would say he had enough friends and didn't need a computer to meet new ones. 

Single females are sending notes and requests.  All I can do is ignore them because what am I suppose to say, "he's not available." 

My experience has been that acceptance comes, and goes. As time goes by I have slowly succumb to acceptance. I got to that point after exhausting all other feelings, and emotions. For a while it was a back, and forth thing, but now it's more of a forth thing. Once I finally accepted the fact that I couldn't change what happened life got a bit easier. I didn't like it, and sometimes it still makes me angry, but for the most part it was a long hard road. A road that no one should have to travel, but then again we really didn't get a choice. I think I'm still here because I did go through all of the feeling, guilt, pain, and emotions, and along the way I learned how to release them safely. I like to throw things. I would go outside, and throw a ball at the fence as hard as I could. I punch my pillow, lay in bed, and kick, and scream. I don't do this much anymore, but every now, and then when all else fails I 

do things to let it out. I know these things are ways a child would throw a temper tantrum, but when I'm hurting I feel like a child. This worked for me. I guess what I'm trying to say is I had to find my own way of release. A way in which I'm safe, and so is everyone around me. Finding ways to release the pain, and anguish helps me be thankful to wake up everyday.

The holidays. Well I just roll with the flow. The things I can do, I will, and the things I can't do, I think twice about, and after a little thought if I can't handle it then I don't do it. The holidays will come, and go. If there's something I feel I can't do then maybe next year I can. There are holiday things I just stopped doing altogether. That's ok. I'm not the same person I was before, so I just do the best I can during the holidays, and every day. The only thing that really matters to me during the holidays is that I try to do my best for my own now little family, and be grateful for Jesus' birth. Everything else has become not so important to me. The star on the tree did glow for me again. I hope one day your holiday will glow once again also. Peace on Earth.

Teresa, this is just a suggestion, but instead of "he's not available" It might feel better for you to just tell them the truth "I'm sorry but he has passed away" When my Ben died I got a lot of phone calls for him, and I finally just ended up telling them that he passed away. I'm not sure why, but it helped me in a strange way. At first I didn't want to say it, but when I did I felt like I had released a little bit of pain.  I have had days where I wanted to shout it out to the whole world. Release that horrible pain in my heart, and soul, and just yell. It was good for me, but just a idea to run with in your own way.

Hello to all.

Dolly, I know exactly what you are going through. It's similar to why I don't like counting or acknowledging the length of time that my son has been gone, it confirms it for me and I don't want it confirmed, I don't want it to be a reality.

Anne, your right I have a hard time saying it.  I'm still having moments of denial. Just not ready to say it so easily to everyone.

Last night my fiancé received a call telling him his best friend was hit by a car and didn't make it.  All I can do is cry with him.

Dolly, when I read your post I echoed ur feelings.. often i find myself shutting the topic off and feeling cold inside..frozen..

Teresa D I am SO sorry about your fiance's friend. Please let him know we are all sending him prayers also.

I know what you all mean about sometimes shutting down. Sometimes a strange survival numbness sets in for days. Our hearts and minds can only deal with the pain for so long. Sending you all hugs and love and light for these difficult holidays.

Teresa so sorry for your fiance's loss.  Today I went in to my friends classroom to help her kids with a writing piece. It was good to do it and I will go in for two hours every day this week. It made me see that I could not work full time now. I was looking for pictures of Kyra on the computer just now because we are making a candle for our children in my mother's bereavement group tonight.
I just found a series of pictures she took of herself at our house for her Christmas card last year and now I can't stop crying. Thank god we our going to my step-sons and his family this year in
New Mexico. I couldn't take being home without her this first year. I can survive until I see a picture of her not already placed in our home from before her death. Will I ever be able to look at them and not feel intense pain. I guess its way to soon.

If there was an agree button I'd hit it down the page.

Me too Teresa I agree. Photos for me are the biggest tear producer ever. I have a photo of each of my children on the wall in the hallway, and that's it. One Christmas a long time ago we went home for the holiday, and my husbands family had out all of the videos from holiday's past. I lost it. I couldn't bear to sit and watch them. I still can't. I hope someday I will be able to watch videos, and look at pictures of them, but it just hasn't happened yet for me.  It probably sounds strange, but I used to look forward to the days of numbness. It gave my heart, and mind rest from the grieving.

Teresa, I just share my things to hopefully help others with ideas to help themselves. You do whatever works for you. There's just no right or wrong way to grieve. I only want to share ideas. It's amazing the things one can come up with to help with the grief by taking notes from someone else, and switching it around to suit yourself. I'm sad for you, and your Fiance's loss of a friend. I'm glad your fiancé, has you to cry with, and you him. Peace, and Love to all!

2day evening I was with a friend and she was driving, asking relentless questions and I felt so weary... then I thought.. Teresa, anne, Connie, Dolly, Michelle, Jane,Dawn and all the others here feel just the same so stay calm.. it helped me enormously to know I am not alone.. thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I have Michael's picture everywhere but always did.  I don't live with his dad so I don't have anyone else to consider.  Sometimes I stare at them so hard it's like I expect him to start talking to me.  Other times I sit and stare at them and think about the moment in time when they were taken.  I can't put them away. 

Vasanthi, I have those moments too.  When I feel alone I think of everyone. 

Anne, your right, what works for one might not work for another.  Me I like to see and hear what others are doing to see if it is something that can work for me.  I go to the websites people suggest, I look up books suggested and etc...  Everything might not be for me but I explore it to find that out.  Sometimes it's even the small things offered that I can apply for myself.

I just want to get to a better place then where I am now, because this is ugly.  I don't want to hurt like this.  Dolly is right this is like carrying a ton of cement on your back. 

I am not here to judge what anyone does.  I want support and I want to give support.  My family and friends have been great but it still feels good to be able to turn to those who know first hand how I feel. 

Anne even though you have your bad days I still find you to be encouraging.  For those further down the road you help me because you let me know what to expect.  For those who are new I'm sorry to say but you remind me where I was but I'm also able to see I am progressing. It might be slooooooooow but I am progressing.

My fiancé is hurting.  They were like brothers.  All I could do yesterday was hug him and cry with him and tell him "I'm sorry".  His family came to our house yesterday.  It was difficult for me to see them and to see their grief.  Today will be another difficult day in my house.

This holiday season is so bizarre... trying to feel 'thankful'... knowing I have so many many reasons to be thankful and yet feeling so empty and often so angry at what we're having to face... the word 'WHY' is forever ringing in my ears.. which are ringing louder all the time... sometimes I feel like I'm being goaded, or tortured, or just being driven crazy... I try to tell myself how much better off I am than so many other people in the world... well I KNOW that's true, but somehow it doesn't really FEEL like it is.... its my FEELINGS that are so screwed up ... all the time... and they're SO hard to deal with.. to keep in check at times.. and to let out at times.... nothing works... everything is broken.... but I get scared that if I don't appreciate what I DO have then it will be taken away too... like I'll get clobbered again because I'm not grateful enough... man I hate this...

Dolly, I'm positive that it is a glimpse into another level of existence which is far more superior to ours. I am sure Brandon is showing you how to feel the joy he feels by sharing it. 

I read all of your posts and it's like you are in my head. Thank you for this site. It's a place to know someone gets it. I wonder...do any of you feel the way I do when I hear the word HOPE. I see it so much on sites for those who are grieving. Just what am I supposed to HOPE for? Because hope and grief do not seem to go together. My hope would be for my son to be back with his young family. One of the twins has stopped saying "daddy." I cannot imagine what their little brains are trying to process in not having daddy with them anymore. I had 30 great years with my son. His wife and babies....so where does the word HOPE come in? Anyway, thank you all for listening and for being here. Again, I wish us all peace.

Dolly

 Your husband's vision is beautiful and what a wonderful gift from your son. I believe your right that he is showing that he's okay and, happy and in a good and beautiful place. It's makes me feel like I should go ahead and put up some Christmas decorations just for Daniel to look down and see and know that we are trying to be okay too. Even though you are also right about that big ole hole in my heart. But Dolly, I know you have been looking for signs from Brandon and you got one! Even if it wasn't you directly. Sometimes just being still and quiet helps you to receive those messages.

Debi M I am so sorry for your loss. Yes the only hope we have is too keep our hearts open to the love for and by those who are still here. But also to embrace the love that still lives on with your son who's passed. That will never die. And I honestly don't know that I could go on if I didn't believe we will be together again and 5hathe is still with me only in another form, watching and protecting. I know there is more than what we see. After all we only see 1% of the electromagnetic field. That gives me hope.

Debi, I am so sorry for your loss.  Do you get to see your son's babies often.  It must offer some comfort to be able to hug and kiss them.  I will be happy for the holiday season to pass.  I am not ready to put up a tree this year, which will be a first in about 30 years.  It will be too hard to pull out the ornaments that say babies first Christmas. I wanted her here with me for more than 25 Christmas's.  The vision your husband had sounds so joyful and hopeful Dolly.  I am so glad you are here to talk to.  It brings comfort knowing we will get through this together.  Today is a hard one for me, but I went outside and pruned my mulberry tree and wisterias.  It was in the high 40's today with a little sun.  Tomorrow will be back to deep winter.  I am reading a book by Gary Schwartz, a science researcher at the University of Arizona. Its called "The afterlife experiments: breakthrough scientific evidence" and it gives me hope.     

I can assure you that these things don't happen because your not grateful enough, or anything like it. I used to think that way. I lived with that same fear of it happening again for 9 years. Well it did happen again, but this time I didn't carry that fear. I still don't feel that Bens dying was because I didn't appreciate life or maybe I wasn't thankful enough. These things happen because it's just life here on earth, not because of less gratitude or whatever I must've done to make it happen. Death happens to everyone. The God I believe in does not go around picking, and choosing who lives, and who dies, and especially not for being ungrateful or anything else. I wasted a lot of time being afraid. I'm not afraid anymore. It's ok to be thankful, and it's also ok to have time's when I'm not thankful or appreciate a darn thing. I have learned things from both the good, and the bad parts of life. I have also learned things from the depths of grief, and when the time was right the light of day. I have seen the very worst in myself, but I have also realized the good that could've only come from me. There are things in life that I can't change. I have learned to accept that. The things I can change or do something about I do my best to try to make it happen. The deaths of my son's I couldn't change, but how I handle all of it is up to me. I'm always going to make mistakes, but I know in my heart that the death's of my boy's or anyone else is not my punishment for anything I do or don't do, feel or don't feel. It's life.  Peace, and understanding to all!