Dawn, I'm sorry your parents aren't able to come for Thanksgiving. Do they live far away? Did they say why they're not coming? It really sounds like you want their support. I'm sorry they're not able to give it to you. I'll pray that they have a change of heart if it's meant to be.

Dawn,

Its all-right to feel resentful of the friend who has the child while you don't.. you do recognize some conflict there and you do feel that what you are feeling is somehow not ok.. that is enough.. you are aware even in the midst of your pain, so that is ok.. you are not acting on that resentment.. ask God's help wholeheartedly to remove whatever negativeness you perceive.. negative is just something that makes you feel bad, sad, resentful etc... it will vanish and in its place you will find that you wish all people only joy , joy that will not cause you any mis-ease..xoxoxoxo

Dear Dawn, I looked it up, and all God's creatures do go to heaven! About your friend. I have had those same feelings myself. When a young man from around here was in a accident because he was drunk driving. He lived and now has a 2mos old baby girl. I know exactly how you feel. Don't let it worry you. You have enough to deal with. I think a lot of us have had those same feelings a time or two. You have a good heart, and some people may not understand the difference between feeling ripped off, and wishing someone pain, but I do. I have said it a million times" Why me? Why not them? Why did they get to keep their child, and I didn't?" I am not ashamed to admit that I have said some pretty mean sounding words, but It's the pain of a mother whose child did die doing the talking. I don't talk to others that have not walked in my shoes about these feelings, and questions, because they are questions, and feelings that can't be understood unless you've been there. I felt bad for awhile, but now I know that these things are part of the journey. These kinds of feelings don't cross my heart or mind much anymore. Thank God! Having these feelings do not make a person bad or evil. They come from a very deep, deep,dark, and very sad place in a mothers heart, and soul after the death of her child. These are feelings that your faith, and time will heal.

I just don't deal with my family unless I have too. I'm not comfortable around them. I do talk to my mom on the phone once in a while, but that's about it. I have a sister I haven't seen in 15 years, or talked too. I have to laugh, when we went home after lil Del died she wouldn't even answer her door. I knew she was home cause I saw her in the window. I started yelling "if you don't answer the door I'm going to stand out here, and yell so all your neighbors can hear me!" Hahahaha! She lived in a very well to do area. Her husband finally let me in, and we had a brief talk. I guess I was a little nuts! Anyway I haven't seen or have spoken to her since. It wasn't funny then, but I do giggle when I think about it now.  I guess they are who they are, and I'm too tired to push anymore.

Hello to all, I was just curious to know if anyone has ever contacted a medium to communicate with your child.  A few months after my son passed away, my sister in law met a women that she became friendly with. In their conversations, she mentioned the loss of her nephew/my son and devastation she and I was experiencing. She told her that she knew of a lady that was a medium that communicated with people that have passed on/ crossed over and how we should come to one of her gatherings she does at her home. She gave her the name and contact number for this woman. When my sister in law first mentioned it to me, I was very eager to go but then I let a friend discourage me from going because she said that other spirits may try to come through that won't be my son, so I kept procrastinating. Well low and behold, that medium  now has her own tv show called THE LONG ISLAND MEDIUM! It took me a while to figure out that she was the same person, Theresa Caputo. Now there is a 2-3 yr waiting list to get a reading with her. I watch her show all the time, a new season just started. I hope that I get to speak with her one day, I put myself on her waiting  list. As anyone else seen her show? Does anyone think its tabu?

Karen,

what will it achieve? apart from making contact and telling each other, " I miss you" or them saying," I want you to be fine" blah blah, its not like through this there is a new lease of life and new present memories to be stored.. for a minute or two one may feel yessss I reached out , but that can be done in the silence of your heart.. this is my opinion..we may end up pining more and keep regressing to the past till we r finally mad crackpots.

Thanks Vasanthi for your response, I'm just so desperate.

Hello Lyn, wow, that sounds great, I will definitely take the info. I will contact you, thanks , I really don't know what to expect. I'm so broken.

I'll admit it! I went to see a medium.  I never thought about doing it before but I just couldn't help myself I had to.  The secretary at my son's job called me one day to tell me she went to a medium with a friend, she said the appointment wasn't for her it was for her friend.  She said after she entered the medium quickly asked who is Emily.  She said she was surprised but let her know she was Emily.  The woman told her sit down this is too strong to ignore.  Emily told me she understood nothing other then the first thing asked, which was who is Michael?  She told me she didn't want to upset me but she didn't understand the things said and was told that me as his mom would understand all of it.  Well after she told me everything I did understand all of it.  Prior to this the only interaction I ever had with Emily was at Michael's service.  I just had to after that.  I went in and tried to act like a was there just for fun.  First thing she asked was, "who is Michael" I did my best to keep a straight face and simply said, "my son".  she then asked me where my necklace was.  I looked at her confused and she said Michael says you wear it all the time and wants to know where it is.  I was freaked out!  My fiancé for Christmas gave me a charm with Michael's picture on it.  I took the necklace off prior to arriving and put it in my purse.  Now th epart I didn't like and couldn't handle for a period of time was her telling me my son didn't cross over because he didn't want to leave me because of the pain he sees me experiencing.  This bothered me because I believe in God and I need to believe God took my Michael to heaven. This made me pray harder, "Please God & dad get my Michael to heaven".  The thought of him not being in heaven just ate at me. I even prayed to Michael and told him "It is what is it so please go join pop pop and uncle david in heaven."

She told me more things that did hit home, but I still walked away with doubt in my heart.  Now she did tell me something I am waiting to see.  Michael had no children and my daughter has an extreme case of PCOS preventing her from having a baby.  She told me while I think my daughter has a medical condition preventing pregnancy she will have a baby within 3 years.  So, I'm waiting to see if this happens or not.

Somewhere in the bible doesn't it say not to listen to false Gods?

Even though she hit things on the head I still have no desire to return.

The 2 second dr4eam I had of Michael, the day I swore I smelled him, and last week when I swore I saw his name in the clouds.  to me these are signs God has allowed me to have to let me know Michael is in heaven.  I've decided God is my medium. 

In my head my dad, uncle David and my pop pop (all builders) are all up in heaven building a beautiful house and all the furniture while pop pop dimitri is lighting the house and my Michael is doing all the plumbing.  When I get to heaven I will have the most beautiful house and all of my family will be back together again.

Yesterday was a little overwhelming.  The day before I couldn't pull myself out of the misery, spent the day crying and being caught in the depression.  Yesterday everyone must have been feeling me because I received calls from my a few of my sisters telling me how much they miss Michael.  I received a few messages from a few of my nieces telling me the same thing.  I also received a long text from a friend telling me she couldn't stop thinking of him. Then I go onto facebook and there's a few of my cousins saying thinking of you and Michael today.  I was overwhelmed!  I loved it!  I also received "Speak Their Name" from one of my sister with a note saying I remember you saying this at Michael's service.  I don't remember much from that day, but I love that she did.  Just God sending a message to remind me how much everyone loved Michael.

Teresa, you are so right.. God is the only true medium

Thanks for sharing Dolly, I'm not totally sure yet what I will do. I just feel so desperate.

Wow, Teresa, thanks for sharing as well, that's pretty deep, I don't want to cause my son any distress or unrest. I long for him so much.

Wow Teresa, how beautiful is that! That is wonderful. It helps so much to know that our children are NOT forgotten. They were here, NOT a figment of our imagination.

Dolly I hope your family feels better in time to be with you! 

Thanks for everyone's perspective as far as mediums. Connie I do believe that there are some who are blessed with this gift from our creator. I knew such a woman, who was very spiritual and totally a devout person of her faith but unfortunately she passed away shortly after my son did. I'm just hoping that my son will find a way to comfort me.

Dolly I also hope that your family feels better quickly so they may join you. These past thanksgiving holidays and others, seem to just add to my despair because no one in my family ever acknowledges my son's absence. I don't know if they just think they're protecting my feelings or if they have just plain forgotten him. So, I casually mention him or remind everyone what my son's favorite food is or I'll say straight up that I wish he was here. Most stay silent or some make an effort of being supportive. It's just an ongoing fear of mine that they are all forgetting about him. Maybe I read into too deep because I'm extra sensitive but it still hurts me. They may all have mere memories but for goodness sake, he's my son and will always be MY son! He was here and his life mattered. Thanks for listening.

Dolly I really do think it would be wonderful to have a respite home as you describe.   This Saturday night will be our Niles Benefit Fund Concert.  A group of Musician friends have joined us to do 2 concerts where we raise funds to give random act of kindness donations to families with special needs in our local area..... In memory of Niles.

This also helps to Remember him with friends..... The holidays are always difficult, I try to overwhelm myself by inviting a full house of guests.

As for that silence of others when we talk to them about our kids... well I guess they just really do not know what to say to comfort us... and who could blame them because we all have a different need of what we Need to Hear.  It is so painful for us and I do not think there is any "Right" thing that can comfort us... and we have such sensitive emotions.  

I wish us all PEACE to get through the Holidays....but then again we could focus our grief as "Holiday" Pain...but really there is never realy any one day better than any others when you live through this....

Thanks Grace for your well wishes.

In the beginning I so wanted to talk to a medium. Instead I spoke to God. I direct all of my questions about death, and the life after to God. I was too angry at first to have a conversation with God, but when the anger began to settle I could feel God speak to my heart. Now I talk to him everyday. All the things I feel I can't handle I give to God, and He always finds a way to help me. I feel in my heart, and soul that God is the only one who speaks the truth, and He's the only one with the right answers whether I understand them or not. Desperation, and pain can make a person search everywhere for answers that can only come from God. I know this for myself because I looked everywhere, and until I finally gave God a chance I had no peace. However I have a hard time thinking that God would despise a person whose heart, and soul has been through the depths, and pain of losing a child. I believe God knows our pain, and is willing to wait for us to come to Him, and He will be there with open arms. Peace, and Love to all from my heart to yours!

God is Love and Love is God.. so I feel that a genuine medium can and does offer to one a visible representation of God, just like our children were forms we poured our love into.. I suppose my only problem is that with a medium we will still only know the past moments shared to verify but will not know more about anything elseof course there are genuine mediums and of course they help in the healing process.. each one moves to a different beat but all are from the same drummer.. so no question of losing God's love on top of everything else..xoxoxox

It's ok Dennis. Everyone has a right to their beliefs. It's just difficult some times to understand the scriptures, and what they mean. Also from my experience the scriptures are even harder to comprehend when a person is in deep grief. I like knowing what the bible says. It helps me in the process of life, but my wounds aren't as raw as most here. There's nothing wrong with wanting to help.

Grace I hope you have a very successful concert.  The acts of kindness are nice tributes to Niles.

Merry,

Thinking of you and wishing for peace and joy keeping in mind how Gary would have showered his love and affection on you and others. 

we are leaving on Tuesday morning to Nashville to be with some of Craig's family and back on Saturday... feel a little stressed at meeting so many new people and oh so many fears about not bawling at the wrong moment etc. Tonite have friends for dinner so making some north Indian food.. have already started with the chopping n cutting!.. so I go about whatever the day brings..it also brings warmth and love so I look for that and hang on! love to all here ..hugsss

Dolly,

will you be in Boston anytime after next Saturday or anyone else? would love to meet up and you are all welcome to our home.

Wow, I am surprised at the hostility here.

Each of us has the right to believe how they wish.  I don't think Dennis was judging.  I believe he was trying to share what he believes.  As I recall, some of you were questioning about mediums when the subject first came up.  Maybe he was just showing you his thoughts. 

I wanted to jump in myself when this topic first came up but I know how hard it is, especially in the first year of grief to accept anything other than what we feel inside.

I could say a lot about mediums and how they started in this country but I can't change your hearts.  I believe only God can do that. If that is what you want.  I can only grieve with you, love you, and pray for you.

I have been quiet on here lately because to me it seems to be a little cliquish around here.  No one  here invented grief and no one's grief is worse than anyone else's.  We are all hurting.  Some just choose to not express it as much as others.

Hopefully things will calm down.  I know the upcoming holidays bring on added stress and sometimes the anxiety is overwhelming.  

This is not intended for any one person on here, just a reminder that this site is filled with grievers and even though we feel we have lost the worse kind of loss doesn't mean everyone else's grief is not worth respecting.  

I was going to just post what is below but my heart wouldn't let me.  I pray you all have some comfort, peace, and love this weekend and during the coming holiday.

“Silence is sometimes the best answer.”
From an early age, we’ve all been taught the importance of problem solving. Yet, sometimes, we can help people more by not trying to find solutions. In fact, on occasion, silent listening and empathy can be a priceless gift.
Families who are grieving the loss of a loved one, need time to mourn, not quick solutions. They need someone to listen while they pour out their hearts; they want a silent hug, not instant answers.
I've been silent, but know that I'm listening and hugging you all in my heart.

You all need to take it easy. Angry comments have never done  anything for anyone. This site is for all who are grieving. You don't have to agree with all comments, but getting angry at each other is not necessary either. Dennis gave his opinion. The question was asked on an open forum. Losing a child is the worst of the worst when it comes to death, but it is not an excuse to lessen someone else's pain. You may not see that now, but someday I hope you will. No one is perfect. We don't always say things the way we should, but hopefully they are said with good intentions. Personally I didn't like that piece of scripture myself, but I decide what's in my heart. Dennis has helped me before, so I think he was just trying to help. I know I have said words that I thought would help, and I felt some anger from those who disagreed with me. Sometimes you just gotta let it go. The last thing any of us needs is anger pointed at us. I am not a church goer either, and I have my reasons. I have never read the whole bible, but I do find things in the bible that have helped me on this journey. We are here to help, and comfort each other, not tear each other down. I know your hearts are raw with pain, and sorrow, and I understand the fact that if you have never buried your child you couldn't possibly understand the feelings, and everything else that goes with it. I also know from my own experience that getting up tight about scriptures, and other things like it served no purpose for me, and only added to my pain. It's ok to agree to disagree without hostility, and anger. Funny how a person can feel the negative without even being face to face. We are all here for each other let's not forget the purpose for this site. I care about all of you. I wish I could reach out, and take away all of your pain. Since that's not reality I do try to help by sharing my experiences. I've been on this journey for a long time. I've been through a lot since my first little boy was killed. I found this site after my second child was killed, and that was after almost 2 years of him bomb hunting on the front lines in Iraq, so there's a lot more to people than what they post on this site. I choose give people the benefit of the doubt, and yes I do get emotional, and I do get worked up, but that comes with the territory. I liked coming here because I felt safe, and I could use my blog as a way to vent, and let out the ugly I felt. I come to read about others who have had huge losses so I don't feel all alone. I have to keep an open mind, it's part of my survival. I have had a lot of experience with religion, but I have learned to let my heart lead me to God. There's no wrong way to believe if it feels good in my heart. Thanksgiving is coming, and I'm thankful for all of you here now, and in the past. Peace to all

Dear Ammy,

I wish I would've seen your post before I wrote mine! Thank you! Your wisdom is greatly appreciated.

PEACE everyone,  The concert was attended mostly by my VIP Guests of Special Needs folks.  I was hoping for a fuller house, and more donations.... but I was happy to bring a show to the people who are who my mission for the Niles Benefit Fund Serves.... There was a small Profit... and Encouragement that the Holiday Concert may be better attended.  Another good thing is that all Of Our Family participated to do this Concert in Memory of Niles.  My Son ran the Sound and My daughter and her boyfriend the Lights .... So many wonderful volunteers.  PEACE be with us all...

Dear Grace

Your concert post is so touching. What a beautiful moment it all must have been, especially "the family" coming together for this. That must have been the BEST feeling you could have. GOOD FOR YOU!!

During the last 2 years of Danielle's life, she had become so disabled, we had to use a wheelchair for her.  We also had a lift and other equipment.

During that time, we both came to realize how tough it is to be disabled.

And both of us gained an "understanding."

We have beautiful hiking trails in our local forest. This spring they are building a trail for the handicapped!!! It will run beside a local donkey sanctuary. I have been there, it's so beautiful.

I am not celebrating Christmas this year, so my husband and I decided in lieu of gifts, we wanted to do something special in memory of Danielle.

So we have donated a resting bench for the new wheelchair accessible trail! Danielle would be so proud.

We hope it makes a difference in someone's life as they sit and watch the donkey farm, and beautiful Mother Nature.

The resting bench was a beautiful idea. 

Grace, do you have any pictures from the concert or better yet a video clip? 

Dolly, Adorable Picture of Bo! That's quite the ATV!!

Thanks for the beautiful picture and your thoughts. We are just beginning to see the snow falling here!

Grace, I would love to see a video, also.

I'dlike to send a FB link with a video of some concert video that my daughter made with her cell phone...but I am not too good at that Tech stuff.... but we had a good time jamming with a Piano man and a Harp player to "Piano Man" by billy Joel....  I agree Dolly... I was talking about that last night at the concert...how the contacts I make with "Special" People are very inspired and encouraging to me.... the Piano man playing with us last night also wrote very inspirational music....  so unfortunately our concert was not a full house...but hoping next one will be better.    Maybe if I could connect her via Facebook... I could share video....but I'll need help/

Grace, for the hockey tournament I was advised to set up a facebook page.  Set up a page in her name and make it about the concert.  I'm not that technically inclined either so I am getting help.  But it will help draw attention to the event.

Before I start to focus on what I'm not thankful for I want to remember the things I am thankful for.

I am thankful I had 29 years with Michael.

I am thankful we took that last vacation together.

I am thankful he spent his last holidays with me.

I am thankful we had that last conversation.

I am thankful some of the last words I heard were, "don't you ever get it wrong, your number one and you have always been number one to me." 

I am thankful I have such great family & friends that have surrounded me with love and support.

I am thankful I have the daughter I have and that she loves me so much.

I am thankful for the few signs God has allowed me.

I am thankful that I am left with so many great memories.

I am thankful I found this site and for the support I have received from everyone.

Teresa that is lovely. Dolly saw older messages and felt so warm just reading themand oh would love to be enveloped in that kind of welcoming warmth.. thanks for being there.. Connie, I read what you wrote about being psychic and having conversations with Jesus.. I am truly in awe of your abilities..it is a rare gift and you are so so blessed as are we to have you among us..I know you use these gifts with discretion and Vedanta will crystallize so many events and give it the correct objectivity needed.. am thinking of all of you , Michelle, Anne,Dawn,Brenda, Dennis,Grace, Jane,Berna and keeping you all close and wrapped in thoughts which want for us to feel the warmth and love of true belonging with our children and others in the world... will be a busy day again and tomorrow early morning we leave for Nashville till Saturday.. Dolly , its 500 miles away but can you please message me your number? Maybe enroute we can meet half way etc mine is +19787272073.. would welcome any messages  from any of my friends here and I will respond asap ..xoxoxoxoxo

My time stands still and yet moves so fast when you are grieving.  It is over three months since I last saw my daughter on the day she died.  I am thankful for my kind friends in Vermont who support me and keep me close in their lives and I am thankful for everyone on this site who gives me hope that I will make it through another day of heartbreak and feel some thing other than pain again in my life. Last Thursday a women I had worked with for 11 years and also retired with me last June tossed me to the curb, telling me we were just work friends.  I was crying on the phone with her before I could hang up .  She said we traveled in different circles and our lives were in different places. (meaning my daughter died and her's didn't).  It is hard to discover how cruel and self centered some people can be.  Everyone around me could never understand why I ever hung out with her at school and now I understand why they felt this way about her.  I can't remember a time in my life when I felt this vulnerable and I thank you all for being here for me. 

That is beautiful Teresa, Vasanthi thank you for your lovely words. I hope you have a wonderful and safe trip.  Sunday will the 1 year anniversary of Daniel's passing and it's a tough one. But we will celebrate his life and his friends said they were all coming over (whether we wanted them to or not they said- lol) I miss them all lighting up the house with their laughter and antics. I can't believe it's been a year. Time seems to have stood still for me.

I hope everyone here has a good and peaceful Thanksgiving holiday, as best you can.

Lynn I'm so sorry your friend treated you that way. My thoughts and prayers are with you. But these are the times when we find out who our real friends are. Whatever is going on with her has nothing to do with you. She is just not in a place to help you and it sounds like you have real true friends who are there for you which is such a blessing. I'm running off to work but will message you later.

Lynn, some will do that to you.  They don't know how to deal with you or they don't want to be you. I'm sorry she hurt you but she's not worth being in your life. 

Checking in also.  Tough week isn't it?  

It does surprise me how so many memories come flooding back around holidays.  

I really don't want to have the family get together, but feel I have to.  Sometimes I wish I could just be selfish and say no.  I wonder if anyone thinks about how I feel and how hard it is for me preparing for these family functions.  It's always the before that's the hardest part for me.  Once they get here I usually get distracted for most of the time.

Anyone else have these problems?  Found any solutions?  Anne?

As bad as I've been feeling lately my heart still aches for all of you as I read your comments filled with pain, and I'm also happy for you that are having some good things going on in their lives.  

Teresa, I loved your positive post on what you are thankful for.  Thanks for sharing it.

Sending blessings of peace & love.  I pray we all will find something to be thankful for and that it will help lighten our mood.