That will be perfect Dawn-o. A lot of people just do their own lighting.

I am going to share the info I received in my newsletter below:

"Held annually the 2nd Sunday in December, TCF's Worldwide Candle Lighting unite family and friends around the globe as they light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have dies too soon (that their light will always shine). As candles are lit at 7pm local time, thousands honor children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries. Believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, The Worldwide Candle Lighting creates a virtual 24-hr wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of candle formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten. For more information, check out the website at www.compassionatefriends.org". I love this.

Brenda, I know what is in my head it is just hard to put it on paper.  Your right I need to let my heart flow.

Dolly I want to support you and tell you to write that article for the newsletter, but who am I to tell you and I can't do it.

I write, I cry, I delete.

Michael was extremely hyper from the moment he was born.  Back in 1983 no one said the letters "ADHD".  A snap shot into Michael: Right before Michael turned 2 they came out with the little BMX bike.  It was so cute, little two wheeler with training wheels.  He loved the bike.  So now his birthday came and he turned 2 and then the Spring came.  I took Michael outside to teach him how to ride his bike.  He got on it went about 2 houses, got off the bike, walked it back to the house and told me something was wrong with the bike.  He went in the house came out with his dad's tools and removed the training wheels.  He then started to get on the bike.  Knowing he never rode a two wheeler bike I got up to try and teach him to ride it.  Before I reached him he jumped on the bike and flew down the street.  At first I was amazed but then concerned because he was heading right towards a stone wall at the end of the block.  Then I thought OH NO he doesn't know how to stop!  Well......Michael crashed right into that wall. Got back on the bike rode it back up the street and said, "Did you see that? Watch me do it again."  Michael may have only been 2 but this was a typical day with Michael.  Before he was 2 he climbed up on a 2 floor roof.  Now mind you this was before cell phones so here I am in the yard with my 2 year old on a roof that I can't get up to.  After that one my greenhouse had to be torn down, he was using it as a ladder.  I could go on forever with the crazy things Michael did growing up. 

Ok I made myself emotional now.

The candle lighting...thank you for making me aware. 

I need to stop thinking how I am going to get through my life or the next year.  Much to overwhelming and throws me into panic mode.  I need to focus on how I am going to get through a day at a time.

Happy birthday Jane! If you hadn't been born, a lot of love, and tenderness would've been lost. I'm sad you have to go through the pain, and suffering, but I'm glad you were born, and I'm glad your my friend.

Taking days one at a time does have it's rewards!  Happy Birthday to my Lil Del! Today he would've been 28 years old. For weeks I've been saying he'd be 27. I insisted he was born in 1986. He was born in 1985 my husband proved it to me at the cemetery today. How could I have forgotten my own childs day of birth? I guess part of my heart didn't want to believe he'd be 28. It's really not that much difference, but to me I guess I subconsciously want to keep him young in my mind. Any way, I went to work, but I had to take care of a infant today who is the 10 week old blue eyed blonde baby of one of my sons good friends. I sure had a hard time keeping it together while holding this sweet child. She fell asleep in my arms, and I held her tight. All I could think was how sad I felt that I would never get any grandbabies from my son's. I love these babies, and I knew this little girl was coming to our daycare, but you just can't predict how your going to feel until you hold them in your arms. My husband, and I always go to the boy's grave on their birthdays. We buy a happy birthday helium balloon, go to the cemetery, sing happy birthday, and together let the balloon go, and watch till we cant see it anymore. We both cried. After the cemetery we went to the local restaurant(actually the only restaurant in town) , and had supper. This is our tradition every year, and it's always sad, and painful for me. I still go so that Lil Del knows how much we still love him. I had pizza, Pizza was lil Dels favorite. We sat, and talked about him, and shared some good memories. Not many people know we do this every year, but I like it that way. It makes it more of a special tradition for my husband, and I. I don't know whats worse. All of the worry before the birthdays or that awful pain in the pit of my stomach on the birthday?  Anyway 28 years ago today at this very minute I gave birth to a 9.5 lb baby boy. He had eyes that could light up a room, and a smile that made me wonder if that was love in his eye's or he's done something naughty I love you mom eyes! This little boy was so adventurous, and so excited about life. He also had a heart of gold. Yes he did fight with his siblings, and he just couldn't stand to see the other kids sitting quietly for too long, so he'd find a way to disrupt it. If one of us was hurt or sick Lil Del was the one to bring toys or do funny things to cheer ya up! He was the one who tried to build a campfire in the pig house, but he also was the one who would give up his coat for someone else. It's hard to believe he's been gone for so long. Today he'd be 28, and I can't picture him other than that 12 year old happy, sensitive, tough, rowdy little boy. Every night I pray for strength from God to keep me going until I too go to heaven, and hold them both in my arms. It's been a very painful day for me. I still have a really hard time with their birthdays. I suppose it will always be this way. I like to think the balloon somehow get's to heaven, and he knows it's from Mom, and Dad! I know that's not reality, but there's nothing wrong with dreaming, and wishing!  Happy Birthday my Little Buddy! I love you always, I think about you everyday, and your in my heart every second of every hour of every day! I miss you much Love Mom      Peace to all!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR LIL DEL HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

And to everyone else that has a birthday this month.

Lyn, you are so right about just focusing on our we will get through the day. Thinking about the months and years to come, throws me into panic mode also. I am still amazed how somehow, I manage to get through until the next day. I still have no acceptance of what has happened.

oops, typo....fucosing on HOW

I want to 'like' every single post here... it expresses all I feel, its amazing to feel this understood.. I am really indebted to you all here for sharing everything and even if I dont feel like posting sometimes, I keep reading every word and my heart is with you all...xoxoxoxox

Oh Anne

That was beautiful.......

Merry

That's hopeful news.

I'm happy for you.

I miss my child so very much.

Adrienne I too am so sorry this has happened!  Connie is right, it is not your fault!  If the pit was going to snap, it was going to happen one day regardless of who or what was going on.  It is just so sad that you have another loss to deal with, and in such a horrific, tragic way.  Hugs to you and your husband. 

Hello to all. I haven't en able to attend another funeral since my son's own. I just cant do it. The closest I did was one of my uncle's, I just sat in the lobby during the entire thing and that alone was extremely hard. I don't think I will ever be able to attend another funeral. Even though I was "drugged up" (prescription Xanax and Valium which my Dr. ordered a few days after my son's passing) at my son's services, I remember a lot of the devastating details, especially the one of my son laying there as I stroked him with disbelief, he looked liked he was just sleeping and could easily be awakened,  the speeches that were given and the music that was played, for some reason, those 3 things stick with me the most but it's strange that I don't remember a lot the people that were there. I don't know if it was the medication or me just being in such despair and shock. I remember days had gone by & I would ask or complain to one of my family members why a certain person didn't attend, and they would tell me that the person was there and had talked to me at great length. I was truly traumatized by my son's funeral, I didn't even want to go but everyone convinced me that if I didn't, I would regret it. I think I didn't want to go because I didn't want it confirmed.

typo...HAVEN"T BEEN

Aww, Adrianne, I'm so sorry, I just read your posting! I know there are really no comforting words but please don't blame yourself, don't do that to yourself, think of how much your family loves you and needs you, we need you here as well, you are part of chain of support.

Sending you love and lots of hugs.

Adrianne, sweetheart I don't know what to say, but please don't blame yourself.  HUGS & MORE HUGS!

Adrianne, Karen....feel so bad.. yes it feels completely unreal.. and then more is added on for Adrianne.. hugss

Oh Adrianne

I am so sorry.

For all of you....

Adrianne, I am truly sorry you have another tragedy to deal with.  As the others have said, this is not your fault.  My heart aches for you.  

Have caught up again with the comments but there are too many for me to remember each one.  My heart hears each of you.  I am where you are or have been there.  It's just not a constant with me anymore.

Merry, I am happy for you that you are improving.  I mentioned quite awhile back that I took 5-HTP.  I don't think I would have managed without it.  I didn't want prescription medication for depression and found the 5-HTP.  I think you said your chiropractor told you to take it with B6.  My chiropractor didn't tell me to take the 5-HTP but told me I need to also take B12 to make the B6 work properly.  Ask yours about that.

Dolly, 5-HTP is a natural mood enhancer.  It also helps some to sleep better and can control the appetite.  I found an organic one on Amazon but use to take the Natrol brand.  You can probably find it in larger Drugstores that sell supplements. 

God's blessings on all of you.  Hugs.

The Cord
Author Unknown

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
by any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Connie.. awesome.. have shared it on fb as the peom is too lovely and so simple,its stunning..I am having a very tough time dealing with pain.. I know its all about how we deal the cards thrown at us, but I really don't want to be here and keep on trying,its so damn exhausting:(

I pretty much shut down yesterday.  I just couldn't pull myself out of it.  Not feeling so great today, feeling really sick to my stomach. Vasanthi your right this is exhausting and emotionally draining.  Not sure who I am anymore.  I miss Michael soooo much!

Dolly

One day at a time.

One breath at a time.

Do what you can, when you can.

Teresa

Me too.

How many more can we survive?

I haven't moved in 2 days.

i actually wish we didn't survive

I haer all of your hearts.... It is a very long road... some days are good some are not.... lately I have been having strange dreams... many about my Niles as if things were "Before"... IEP Meetings..... But last night I dreamed of other Children and deaths.... I wonder if it is because of the Philippines having the Floods and Devastation?  It is just so hard to sleep at night......  I feel for all of the parents I hear that lose a child.... and some days I wonder if I will meet them here... in our group... would like to hug them all.... us all..... 

<3 PEACE <3

I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I seem to do a lot of my grieving in dreams while I'm asleep. I wonder if this is because I'm so cut off from my feelings while I'm awake?

I am so sad for you Adrianne. You are so right. That is horrific, but not your fault. Things just happen. Sometimes they happen so fast. My heart is very sad for you, and your family. Peace, and Love to you, and yours

Michelle

I never dream but I also have no feelings. I have not had any since Danielle left.

Connie

Yes, we are very similar. Even the kid's names. You have Daniel and I have Danielle.

I try to keep myself going but then I crash. I have to stop everything until it passes. It can go on for days. I try to think of myself as being "sick" and lay down all day and night.

When I'm out of the house to do my volunteer work, I'm ok. But as soon as I come home to the emptiness, I feel hopeless once again.

Michelle, Connie,

dreams can have many different interpretations but its best to go with the most sensible explanations.. whatever is playing on your mind , foremost is most likely to be expressed in dreams.. it is nature's pressure release, a pressure valve...so Michelle, it is not necessary that you are cut off from expressing grief while awake that it comes.. it could be that you are continuing to express that grief and since the mind is more relaxed in sleep there is a free reign to the expressions. Sometimes its wish fulfillment.. maybe when we yearn to meet a dearly loved one and in the waking state we know we are not able to, then in the dream state there is some relief.. some people feel they have left many things unsaid and deeply wish they could tell their loved ones how much they continue to care and so in the dream you meet a loved one and tell them what was left unsaid.... some dreams may be actual contact with a loved one.. you know it is so by the feeling of immediacy and concreteness.. such dreams will not be disjointed but rather will flow and will not be populated by other people by and large in that dream..anger , sorrow, joy, grief are all finally expressions of love. its a pity that we all have to hover between states and yearn , perchance to learn?

Jane, the reason you are OK when you are out of the house is because you are forced to deal with the 'present'..once back the mind goes to its usual haunts and dwells on the sorrow.. I see a clue here for you to slowly take charge. I think that if you can everyday in between decide that ,'Ok for the next 10 minutes, I will wash the dishes and do it fully, feel the warm water, take out the grease etc and I will not allow my mind to go anywhere else but will gently get it back to the task at hand" ..slowly by broadening this kind of thing everyday maybe there will be more moments of quiet.. and try not to resist the present.. I know only too well how difficult that is and how sorrow wells up in the heart but sweetheart do try...

I agree with Lynn, Vasanthi, you are amazing. Your words cut right to the soul and they are beautiful! I hope we can meet someday in the future.

Lynn, I haven't written down my dreams recently. I think I've only done that a couple of times in my life. Some of my dreams since Chris died have been so bizarre...I'm not sure I'd want to remember them. LOL.

Jane, I had the same problem with my feelings when my mother died 3 days before my 13th birthday. Actually, most of my life. My father was the kind of person who wasn't comfortable with feelings, at least nothing but anger (his). I'm a therapist, but knowing and being able to do are different things sometimes. I often wish that I were able to feel more. But I've always numbed out with food...a lifetime battle.

I only had the one dream of Michael shortly after he passed.  it was him driving by holding up the peace sign with his fingers smiling.  One day while laying on my bed crying my eyes out I swore I smelled him.  The other night I was on my deck crying when I looked up to the clouds and swore I seen "Mike" written in the clouds. I didn't run to get the camera because I was afraid it would fade away, so I stood there until it did.  To me that was Michael letting me know he is here.

Teresa, it seems like you were blessed with a wonderful dream about Michael...and I LOVE the cloud story. I agree that he was showing you he's OK.

Yes Teresa, it must have felt so soothing to get a message at the exact correct time that you need it..that's another thing I think about ..how the timing is kind of perfect when a 'contact; is felt..its sorely needed,,,I feel more needy now and more scared than I ever felt b4..kind of clingy and weak..ughhhh.. wonder why..

I had to put our loving, smiling, loyal friend, and gatekeeper Zero to sleep today. I held him in my arms along with my husband, and the vet gave him the injection. I wondered why it hurt so bad seeing as I have already lost 2 of my children? It did hurt. It hurt like hell. Even though there was pain today, I did validate my knowing that burying my children was, and will always be the worst pain I have or ever will feel. There's no getting around the pain. It's going to come and go no matter what. It's so sad when the pet you love, and care for has to die. My heart has another piece broken off. After I grieve, I will pick up the piece, and glue it back into place. Zero was the last animal left that was around when Ben was alive, so it feels like an ending of sorts. Another chapter has ended. When Zero took his last breath, I felt my heart hit the floor. I did ask God to be with me today, and I also asked for a little extra strength. He did both for me. When they put Zero in the body bag I thought my knees would give out. It brought back the memories of the day I held my own son in a bag just like it. I wanted to run out of the vets office. Instead I stood there just staring. When they put Zeros  body on the stretcher, it took a few moments to come back to reality, but I did. I have now cried as hard as I possibly can, and then I prayed once more. I needed to share this here. Peace to all, and Rest in Peace my beautiful Zero!

Anne & Adrianne, I'm so sorry.  I have two dogs that give me so much comfort and love.  HUGS!  For some of us our pets are our children too.