You'll know when you get to the point of no more questions. It takes a while, but you'll know. It comes with acceptance. At first the acceptance part comes, and goes. Then one day you realize that no matter how many questions go unanswered, you just stop wondering. At least that's how it worked for me. I began to realize that no matter how many questions or would've, should've, could've things I felt I either had to believe or not. I have pushed the faith thing back and forth for a long time. Even in my deepest anger, and pain I have come to realize that for me God is here. I hear, and see him in many different ways. I feel his presences in good times. and in bad. At first I thought I believed because I had nothing else. I needed to believe to survive. Now after everything I know in my heart that he cries with me. God smiles when I smile. He hears my prayers. I believe this because I am still here. I can still love, and be loved. Best of all I have found the laughter once again. Things don't happen because I want them, or I think I need them. They happen when God knows it's the right time, and the right place for things to happen to me. I never trusted this in my whole life until now. When I am quiet not only in voice, but in my heart I feel God. I feel my sweet boys laughter, and I see their smiles. It's not always like this. I know I will always have days of sadness, anger, and questions, but the days when my heart are at peace all of the bad stuff goes away. I finally understand the words, To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven. Many of you are so new to this journey, but your time will also come. I wish for all of you Peace in your heart.

Thank you Anne

You give me hope.

You opened up your heart.

To let the love in again.

What a beautiful, meaningful share.

I live in Canada, the "frozen north". We cannot bury our dead in the winter months. My daughter, Danielle died Dec. 2, 2012. Her interment is this coming Tuesday. We will bury her. I am struggling to maintain strength for the ceremony. I feel like I am on a downward slide. It will be so hard. And so final.

My heart is broken.

Thinking of you Jane. prayers and hugs to everyone. Thank you Ann for your share. It  is a struggle I am going through quite fervently  and am just so confused sometimes. I know Daniel is still alive  in spirit and God is there but I still struggle with so many questions and  have not found the peace, the bliss, he joy. Not yet. It is so hard because I miss him so so so so much everyday, every second. But I just hope and pray that he has.

Wanted to share this American Indian poem with all of my friends here75009_555231174542276_1581423940_n.jpg. Sorry For some reason I am not getting the poem just the link. . I will copy and paste a little later. Gotta go to work. :(

Jane, my thoughts and prayers are with you as you prepare to bury your daughter Danielle. I can't even imagine what it must be like to have to have waited so very long to have that done. It must make the actual interment emphasize the finality of everything. Maybe when this part is over, the healing can begin. Hugs.

Dear Jane, I'm sad you have to go through the beginning pain again. Just know that your sweet Danielle with be with you in your heart. Her courage and strength will also be with you. Let your heart feel her presence. I know our children are our special angels! My heart will be with you. I wish for you peace and closure. I don't like to use that word closure, because when it's your child there's no such thing as closure. I know it will be a very difficult day for you, and I wish I could be there to hold your hand through it. My spirit, and my heart will be with you.

When you lose a child I believe there will always be a struggle. Some won't be as bad as others, but they will still come, but you do get better at handling them as time goes by. I know God can't stop what's happening here on earth, but atleast he passes down comfort and strength so we can get through one day at a time.

I lost my daughter, Hannah 31, in a sudden pickup accident with my son driving. Hannah did not suffer and just finished an afternoon swim in the Clearwater River during her week-long camping trip with her family; Tony and Madison Jane, 6 years old. Her brother Logan came over with his girlfriend and stayed a couple of days.....she was enjoying what she liked to do best...fish, be with family, and be outdoors, campfires, and just living in the great outdoors. I am still crying every day and in and out of incredible depression. Don't know why I get messages or comments on my email and then can't find the comments...feels like I belong to a club of one......this happened about 2 months ago

Dear Deborah, You are definitely NOT in a club of one. We are all here for you. Sometimes sending messages through the e-mail doesn't get as an immediate response and when you feel alone that can feel like forever. But know that I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my only child, Daniel, in a car accident. And like him it sounds like your daughter didn't suffer and I know she is still with you and her kids in spirit.

This road we are all on is so tough. It's the got pothole after pothole and seems endless. But we all understand your pain and send you love and support and can at least lend an ear anytime.

It is now time for me to get ready for Danielle's service today.

I came her to read first. I'm glad I did.

Thank you for your sweet messages.

I will try to hold myself strong.

It's going to be very hard. I expect I will break.

 Jane Provost am here for you..love to u  and Deborah here for you and all the others too-- Connie, Marily, Dawn, Michelle and all here --you are a source of great strength to me-oh i am so grateful to know you all.. v tired now --will be here first thing in the morng and send my thoughts and love-- hugs to all

Jane, you've been on my mind a great deal today and I've been wondering how you were able to get through the service for Danielle. Know that loving thoughts were surrounding you and continue to. I hope tomorrow is better.

I'm okay Michelle, thank you for thinking of me.

The service was beautiful, the weather was all sunshine, the priest was so gentle, and he sang "Amazing Grace" with an amazing voice. It really was sooo beautiful.

I find the anticipation of another "event" worse than the actual event.

It was so nice to have another personal moment with Danielle.

Having said that, I am wondering when the crash will hit me.

How are you?

Jane I am so glad u felt the peace.. Mary, Michelle am having a tough day too-- i miss micks so much and my heart is sinking that I really can't see him again and talk to him and crack silly jokes and see him mock grimace at the silliness of it:( Craig left yesterday back to the states and I will start the visa process soon to be there ..back home I just feel kind of drained and sad that sad that I have to live, eat, work,cook, relate to others, and sad that i breathe at all.

Jane, I'm so glad to hear that yesterday went "well" for you. It sounds like it brought you some comfort and that you were able to spend some time with Danielle. And a good priest, kind and compassionate, can make all the difference. Some time I'll tell you about my son's funeral and the incredible disaster it was, bringing a lot more pain to our family. Now is not the time, but I will share it sometime. I'm glad your daughter's service was so lovely.

Vasanthi, I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I'm sure part of that is Craig's leaving even though you will be together again. It must feel like another loss. Plus, your interactions with him probably provided some respite from the grief from losing Micks. This is such an uncharted area for all of us: how to survive in the midst of such longing and loneliness for our child. I guess it's the way our lives will be from here on, until we're reunited some day with our loved one.

Michelle, Thank you so much for your thoughts and empathy.. Being with Craig has been very good and he is a very sensitive man... Since it was a very new experience for him to be in a strange country , I had to be in 'managing' mode, as I wanted him to feel comfortable in a strange place. So i pushed all other thoughts away...now back home I just feel the need for someone to manage me, its a lonely feeling, and you are so right, it is uncharted territory so its all trial and error-- normally I wouldn't feel so out of my depth but I do now...normalcy seems like something I knew long ago and now everything is difficult.

Marilyn, hugssss and love to you... pls be ok .

You are probably all sick of hearing from me. I just feel the need to show you hope. I know you can't feel it now. I know how hard this all is for all of you. I always wished I had someone who knew how hard this is to talk to. We all hurt together, and there's no amount of time, or anything that will change the hurt. The hurt part never goes away but with time it gets easier to deal with. It's like the pain you feel right now, and the desperation for all the terrible things that are happening to you would just go away, and get it over with. I so understand all of these feelings more than I could ever explain to you. When a parent gets this kind of kick in the face the rollercoaster ride that goes with it is the worst ride of life. There are no answers. I know this for myself because I have searched, and looked for an answer, any answer everywhere. That's why I post. My heart breaks for all of us. I guess I just want all of you to know that everything all of us feel is ok. The questions, anger, sadness, confusion, fear, and most of all the 360 degrees that your life takes is all part of the way it goes. Marilyn, every time you hear or learn of a child dying, it will affect you. It does me every time. That's because we know that horrible pain. We know what happens next, and we know there's nothing anyone can do to make it better. This is how I feel about the whole thing. When you lose a child you feel other peoples pain when it happens to someone else. I don't want anyone else to feel the feelings or to go through what I've gone through. Thing is it's not my choice it's just the way it is. Since I didn't get a choice if I don't share my experience, and my feelings, and try as hard as I can to give hope to someone else I'd lose my mind. You see once people get time under their belts, and go through their own grieving process they stop reaching out. Not everyone, but some do. I am drawn to this site. This site has been my life line for many years. I have noticed that people I used to communicate with on here I don't hear from anymore. Still I am drawn here. I would never hurt any of you. I wish there was a forward button so I could push it, and all of us could go forward, and skip all tough stuff, but that's not how it works either, even though it sounds good. I guess what I'm trying to say is I need to share what I've been through in the hopes that just maybe someone else can get through this journey with maybe more insight than I had. I just want all who hurt to maybe see just a little bit of the light at the end of the tunnel as I have. I've been on this journey for a long time, and I know that the bad days will still creep into life. I also know that you can be at the stage of acceptance one day, and feel like the tragedy just happened to you the next. Since my first son was killed I never had anyone who had walked in my shoes show me a glimmer of the light that is there. When I was new at this, all I wanted was for someone who knew this kind of pain, and grief to tell me that my feelings about it are validated, and that someday the really harsh stuff about losing my child will give way to all the wonderful memories that I had stored up over the years. I want to give just a glimmer of hope to others who also have to ride this miserable rollercoaster. If I get to preachy please feel free to tell me to shut up. Nobody ever said to me that the way I felt, and have felt about my son's deaths is ok. I always felt like I was depressing the world, and no one wanted to hear what I had to say. I just don't want anyone to feel that way if it can be helped. When I write it's for me to keep tract of how I've changed, and the good, and bad of my journey, but also to give validation to all of our feelings. All these things I speak of are my truths. It's different for everyone. Ok i'll be quiet now. I think, and care about all of you very much. Good night! 

Thank you Jane--its all true, all that you say-- i just desperately wish i had more than pics and memories-- how cold it is to touch a photo n kiss  it again and again and say hey baby what did you go through? did it hurt a lot? were u scared? i couldn't protect you, I'm so sorry that i couldn't protect you... have failed at that... but mummy will love u always and forever more with all my heart and being... I badly need you to come and smile and laugh again, there is a hole in my heart which isn't getting filled however many days go by-- it will be Shreyas's birthday on this 28th and he would have been a wonderful 29 with the whole world to explore and see whats happened:(

Anne you helped me greater then you know.  Marilyn I'm in the Smokey Mountains.  I was trying real hard to turn it off but as you can see I was drawn her.  I need you guys.  I was so excited about getting away until we were in the car and I could hear Michael yelling, "We're on vacation"  Last year right before he left we took a trip together to London and as we walked through the airport he would tell everyone he passed, "We're on vacation."  Michael had a big bright personality. Of course as I heard Michael in my head I cried.  But I guess I should be glad I can still hear him.

Vasanthi and Jane I'm with you ladies.

feeling so sad today, With the change of seasons, it brings so many new memories. Daniel loved the fall. I just miss him so much some days I feel like my heart is literally going to burst open if I try to talk. Just to see his face and hold him once more would be so precious. Hugs to everyone.

hugsss to everyone-- u r all always in my heart.. take care all of you Connie i know what u mean-- tomorrow is my son's birthday and i have promised myself that i will spend the day in peace and quiet--

wowwwwwwwwwwww Marilyn, and all here THANK YOU... oh god i am so touched.. have a story to share n need time to tell it so will  be back in a while and share... love u all , and thank you from the bottom of my heart

One of Micky's childhood friends, Rinku (Mahendra) wrote this on his fb timeline..

"Micky : I am still wishing you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Because “You” coming to this life was a great gift for so many people that I would still celebrate it every year. And it is my way to say; I didn’t forget you, I miss you, I miss your jokes and I miss having you around. You are always on our minds; you will remain forever a part of us, of our memory, history, of who we really are with a legacy to learn from. Your qualities and the “Man” you lived to be will fill many posts and pages. My friend, your life was short yet beautiful and meaningful. miss u Bro "

I was so touched, he had so many many b'day wishes and yet I kept feeling so very very sad.I had promised to maintain quiet and peace within but I found myself fighting back tears  and the more I tried the worse it got.

In the evening, Rinku suddenly showed up... He was with me for about 4, 5 hours, reminiscing about his dear friend.. He said," Micks came to him twice in dreams. The first time he was laughing n kidding around and then asked him," why havent you gone to visit my mother?" Rinku said ," yes i know, its always on my mind , I will go"... then after a few days  another dream.. here Micks laughed again but he also then gave his 'I am annoyed laugh" which Rinku knows well and he then again asked," why have you not gone and met my mother? she is hurting and then he scolded his friend and said" If this had happened to you and I had not gone and met your mom how would you feel eh?" Rinku said he felt it like a whiplash and said " i will, i will, i will" and thats how he visited me this evening.

Nothing can express the gratitude i feel for Rinku's visit.. the entire evening was spend with him talking about Micks which is music to my ears and him sitting and fiddling on the computer trying to get me some apps for my old cell phn which I use-- they are micky's cell phns i keep...

this was my son's birthday gift to me-- a lighter heart by the end of the day, a promise that he knows how much I am hurting even when no one else around can fathom the depth of the pain...

Coming here and seeing this lovely b'day card for Micks and reading about all that everyone shares... it makes me say hang on, we really are not alone.. our children and dearly loved ones know how much we hurt and they are in so many tangible and intangible ways reaching out with the same love... be alert and open for it my dearest dearest friends here.. hugssssss and kisses to all here ... 

Dawn Opfer I am glad you met your mom and dad... any parting now hurts with 100 times the normal intensity I know, but now you can focus on being there for your husband and in laws? I pray that they extend all their love and support to you.. we need to be taken care of too and it hurts to sound so needy but we are, we are thirsting for some way to ease our path, someone to apply a balm to these raw wounds.. I am here for you all always.. just a small message away..xoxoxoxoxoxo

btw.. when Rinku was in Micks bedroom he saw the pic i keep there and said," oh he was wearing the same shirt in my dream... it was a broad striped red and white t shirt... coincidence or confirmation of sorts I wonder.

Marilyn... hugssssssss .. xoxoxoxox wishing you  lots of love to keep u safe and happy

Vasanthi, what a wonderful story. I am so happy you received such a beautiful gift from your son and his friend. We still have a relationship with our children - just in a different way. I live for those moments. And I know how a visit from my son's best friend makes me feel like he is still here in a way. God bless evryone. Sat night at this time is always so tough...

Connie,

yes the sudden lightening of the heart when I heard about the dream, his friend's pottering about the house, I felt a sudden realization dawn that this is a definite communication and one of the best kind which is so soothing, it gave me so much of hope and I felt a strong love knowing he is being protective...lots happening now which I wouldn't have even dreamt of a year ago-- I had resigned myself to being alive since I breathe. and had resolved that in some way I should be of use to people here and not a burden, and when my time comes,I will escape with a sigh of relief ... Craig coming into my life has been an act of grace. Since i got divorced in 1998 I gave no thought to remarriage as I had to strive and see that my son and me were fine in all ways, emotionally as well as financially.. it all went so beautifully as I was blessed with an exceptionally kind, bright and good boy. ?the last 4 years before Micks passing , I used to thank god fervently for so much of grace shown to me.Then in 2011 Dec my world collapsed... now again I am amazed that I do look forward to being with another kind and loving soul.. the relationship is of course different but not different in essence. Craig being very sensitive, I feel protective and there seems to be a purpose , that I again have to care for and love another human being. I had asked that my life be of use and I am given an opportunity for that. So I thank God for keeping me fit to serve. It is through that , that I hope for deliverance. All my love to my dearest friends here.. you all mean so much to me and give me so much of strength.

Where is everyone?:(

Vasanthi

 You give me hope. I feel the same as everything you said. I feel like others can express how I feel better than I can! This horrible grief we bear does come with it's learning experience, as it is supposed to. It is awesome when you get to the point of feeling the love of Spirit is REAL. We can't see it but yet we can in the faces of others we love. I am so happy you have found someone to share your life with and as good friend said who lost her husband a few years back,"we can still love with a broken heart." God sent you someone to help your heart stay open so you can receive those beautiful gifts from your son. I know they are watching over us. Otherwise I couldn't go on. Have a good day and try to keep that feeling you had when you heard about the dream, alive. OX

Oh Marilyn, I am sure they know each other and are helping us in their own special way... it feels crackpot like to talk like this but thats how I feel.. I can imagine how you felt Marilyn..its bad enough recounting it to oneperson, imagine going through it again and again:( A professor of Mick's from his college heard about it yesterday and kept telling me how numb he felt. I ended up consoling him and I also felt drained after that, so I can imagine how you felt. Now take quiet time and just feel the strength of the love that Brandon has for you and you will soon smile.

Connie, my thoughts are with you and I think of all here who are struggling with so much and have to deal with so much and I feel the hurt and confusion this throws up and I pray that God , You are Almighty, I am no one to say Give strength and all but please please please shower your grace God otherwise we might as well lie down and die too.

I hope Dawn is having an ok time with her husband and in laws... Teresa, Jane,Berna, Anne, Michelle, Mary, Dawn  how are you all? please take care of yourselves.

I am at the beginning of my month of anniversaries. I pray every night that this year will be different. That this year I will spend more time being grateful, and less time feeling sad. I never know how it all will go. I always brace myself, and think of how I'd like it to be, but I will accept whatever comes. I'm just too tired to fight this year, so I will just go with the flow. I bought a new phone yesterday. It has a slide show feature. I watched all 300 pictures. There it was. My last picture of my Ben in his brand new Army blues. The only time I saw him in the new uniform in person was the day I buried him. I didn't cry. I just looked at him and smiled!

Anne, you are one of the most inspiring people here. I am so glad you shared. It feels like we keep in touch with every post from all here. I know that prayers will not go answered so I am sure that you will feel the love Ben has for you and the contact and connection throughout your life in many small and big ways. I pray that we all can connect with our darlings through the joy we have been recipients of. 

Marilyn, what are the names of the two books suggested to you? I would like to read them too. I got one on after death communication suggested on this site and all of Brian Weiss and others. It all reiterates that the leaving of the body is not THE END. Selfishly I wish that ok its not the end but is it the end here for those who leave and is there another kind of amnesia after that, like we don't remember anything when we are born so too when we die do we forget it all? I hope not and i feel not because otherwise we would not have received the 'contacts' made.

I* was away last week.  I needed to get away with ever5ything that has happened.  Michael's one year mark and then my cousin involved int he murder suicide.  I needed to breathe alone. 

I came back to my daughter telling me she is coming home.  I was shocked by this because she loves to travel and try new cultures.  I couldn't understand why the turn around until she told me this.....

She read my posts on here. She said she can't stay away knowing her mom is so sad.  She was bored so she started googling names and when she did mine this site came up and she could read the posts. 

I considered this my private place.  A place I could come and tell me inner thoughts.  Of course I'm sad that she leaves now that Michael is gone but at the same time I don't want her to give up her dreams to come and sit by her mom who is grieving.  She can't replace Michael.  I am going to try and talk to her today now that I know why she has been so sad and why she wants to come home.

I love that she loves me that much but at the same time I don't want to be responsibole for her not living her life.

How can I stop my posts from appearing when someone googles my name.  I guess I have to remove my last name to prevent further posts from coming up that way.

I have to get to work.  I need to catch up with everyone and I want to share my experience with everyone.  Also Jessy, my cousin, wants to come this weekend.  I tyhink she thinks I have answers for her, but you all know I don't.

I just want to connect with each of you at the beginning of a new week. It's hard not being able to respond to your many wonderful posts during the weekend, but am grateful that you do post a lot during the weekends. Vasanthi, I was so deeply moved and excited for you when you related your experience with Mick's friend and the dreams about your son wanting his friend to visit you. I have NO doubt that Micks really came to the friend to mildly chastise him for not being more attentive to you. How awesome, too, that Micks was wearing the shirt that was in your photograph. It must be real. And I'm glad that you experienced comfort and joy from the visit. You deserve to feel your son's presence and his ongoing love for you.

I cherish EACH of you here and pray for a lightening of your sadness and increased awareness of communications from your children. Marilyn, I read Hello From Heaven right after Chris died and it gave me increadible peace. I do believe all the experiences that people have had and have had  some that I know were from Chris. Love transcends time and space.

Teresa , we do need our privacy. It feels weird if just about anyone can peep in. I love that your daughter is so sensitive and is showing her love for you. I'm sure you will show her how she is cherished and at the same time how she must live her life as that will give you immense satisfaction.

Marilyn, all those signs mean so much,

its just something so intangible and deep and we are struggling to grasp it...

Michelle will get the book online and read it as as this point everything however small is a straw to clutch at and yes the brain after all is like a part of machine 'body' so it certainly isn't the answer to life.. it helps us analyse and then the heart has to take over.. love to all.

Being able to reach out via the internet is a wonderful thing but we all have to take our safety very seriously.  It is never a good idea to put your real full name out there in cyber space.  I chose to use just the first letter of my last name.  Most other places I use a nickname but here, where I needed to share the deepest parts of myself, I felt the need to be me, Anna.  Please go to your profile and edit your name in a way that no one can search you out.  You are too important and too vulnerable in your grief to have crazies tracking you down.  We speak of our country, our cities, our travels, our children, our jobs.  We have to remember that not every person we meet online is a safe person.  Take some basic precautions and then relax, speak your truths in safety in this one place we should be able to feel safe to do so.  Take gentle care.  Hugs, Anna

Hi Everyone

I feel so good when I read such wonderful shares.

I feel peace when I come here.

The privacy is an issue for me also. I don't want anyone to know how I'm feeling, except for you who understands. It's too painful to share.

I'm not feeling myself lately. I feel like I'm not all here. Which is not unusual!!

When I come here to write, sometimes someone has just written what I've been thinking. I believe we are in a similar stage of pain.

I did my volunteer work today, again it felt wonderful to be there.

I am thinking of doing more in our winter months. Danielle passed away Dec. 2/2012. I can't face another winter like that, I won't survive.

Our children are safe in the arms of God. There are so many "messages", we have to believe there is a Heaven.

But how do we continue? That's the question. The only way I know is to try to keep busy during the day. I long for bedtime so I can close my eyes to my pain. When I wake up, it is there waiting for me.

I will suffer my pain, having Danielle in my life is worth it. My life was so full when she was here. Now it's just this huge emptiness.

I'm scared to do or go anywhere. My volunteer job is in a warehouse with only 5 people. I chose it because I do not want to work with the public. I've become a very private person. I like to sit and think of all that we did, all that we went through. I want to mourn my loss.

I am rambling, sorry.

Like I said, I'm not feeling myself lately!!!

Dawn he is making progress. Ok maybe it's not the progress you were hoping for but he opened up and you now know he is holding in his grief. 

I removed my last name and left it as "D". My daughter did not need to know my inner thoughts.  This is why I don't share it all with her.  I don't want her making her life decisions around my grief. 

If Michael was here she wouldn't be coming back.  She has been trying so hard to fill my void but she can't.  I've tried to explain that to her but she keeps trying. 

Hopefully the name change will keep future posts from  showing up.

I too come here to share what others don't understand.  Like when they were all telling me how STRONG I was.  I wanted to kick them in the face but do I say or do anything NO!  Because I know they have good intentions and don't understand why I don't want to hear that.

Anyway the time away was good but I realized you can't run or hide3 from the grief.  A few times I broke down.  The first time was because I felt guilty being there and yet Michael isn't here.  The second time was at the top of a mountain, I wanted to scream his name as loud as I could.  I guess I thought he would hear me.  But I didn't becvause other people were there and I knew they wouldn't understand.  So I moved away, cried, told myself to pull it together and rejoined the group.  The third time I didn't see it coming.  We were at lunch and the table next to us was a mother and son.  She was kissing and hugging him telling him how much she loved him.  I watched with a smile but yes it turned into tears because I thought how I will never be able to hug Michael again.  My poor man has to deal with my triggered tears.  I wish there was warning but all three times I didn't see it coming.

Jane ramble all you want.  I do and I feel better when I'm done.

I just have my first name on here for that very reason. This is my sanctuary. I love my daughters, and I love my husband, but I won't share this site with any of them. I guess I never thought anyone would look me up. Oh well. This is my safe place, and I'm not sharing with anyone but those of you here. If someone does stumble upon me here, I am not sorry for anything I have said or felt, or wrote. It is what it is!