Animals are very intuitive to your pain, and sadness. I've been reading all your posts, and I just want to say please take good care of yourselves. This grief can make you feel like dying one day, and ok the next. Grief takes time, and patients. I know what it's like to want it all over with. I've been there twice. That's just not how it works. I'll never forget those awful feelings. It took a long time, and a lot of hard work on my part to get to a point that I can handle life, and the task of living again. I still have my tough times, and I expect I always will. Grief will never be easy. Losing a child makes life more difficult than anything, I think. For me I  don't think I've worked this hard ever in my life. I decided that since my sons couldn't be here with me I will make the best of the time I have here on earth so when the time comes I will hold them both in my arms once again. Acceptance is the last step in the 5 stages of grief, but that doesn't mean you don't take steps backwards on occasion. I am at stage 5 today, but I never know about tomorrow. So I do my best to take one day at a time, because that's the only way I know. The only thing that works to get to stage 5 is time, and coping skills. I am alive today because of the coping skills I have learned over time. Patience really is a virtue when it comes to grief. You are all in my heart.

Mary, please know we care about you.  Please know Anne is right we will progress in time.  All this time I thought I hadn't at all.  Until I saw my cousin lose her son last week.  As sad as it is when I looked at her I did realize how far I have come.  Do I cry everyday and do I have days I just want to run to heaven and get him?  Your Damn right I do.  Please Mary know tomorrow will be another day and you matter to us. 

Hi everyone. I just got back from our first "vacation" since Daniel left. We went to Seattle to see a niece then drove to Vancouver then to Vancouver Island. It was amazing weather (we had an angel on our shoulder - not a drop of rain) and an amazing pace. Just so hard to be doing something new and not him not being here to share. Coming home was so hard even though it was also hard to be away. The loneliness walking in the door is palpable. Good thing my little terrier Axle was so happy to see us. I wonder if he is afraid we wouldn't come home ever again like Daniel. Mary - I so understand how you feel when you came home. I have now spent the last 24 hours crying and in so much pain. I miss him SO much I wonder how I can keep going. I wonder how can I do this for the rest of my life. But I know I have to because he is still there watching and helping me get through those days. The strangest thing happened when we arrived in Vancouver. Daniel always said he wanted to go to Canada and maybe live there. When we got into our hotel room there was a box of chocolates. The name was "Daniel". What?!! Seriously. Then we saw a note that was to another guest. The note and chocolates were intended for him as a thank you for his return stay but somehow we were put in that room. Too much of a coincidence. I have to believe he was there.  I struggle everyday to keep that faith, it is hard. I want to see his beautiful face and hold him tight. But I can't and the pain of knowing I never will is torture. So I try to read alot about life after death and NDE to assure me that there is more. I read something yesterday that a physicist at Stanford University said. He described it by saying that as humans we only have limited senses. We see only a portion of the electromagnetic field. We hear only a portion of the sound spectrum. Perhaps our perception of reality is that way also. We just can't see that dimension but it is there. And I can only go on knowing that he is ok - more than okay - really happy and experiencing more than we can imagine. I hope he is right. I am feeling so angry now that he is gone. I still want to go back and change some of the things I did as a Mom to somehow make it better and bring him home. I wonder if I will ever be able to move from this house. It is comforting and difficult to be here at the same time.

Mary I am sorry to hear about your fall. It is hard enough to get through without that! But you should get that kitty. Of course I am a cat lady! My animals are my salvation.

Toni - my heart breaks for your situation. Losing an only child leaves you with little to nurture except our grief. I am praying for you and your husband , Perhaps with a little time a part you can find your way back. I am sorry you have to go through this on top of everything. Ann is right we can only take each day as it comes. And she should know having lost 2 sons. Thank you Ann for providing some inspiration. Thanks to everyone here just for being here. I felt like I was going to burst and this is the only place I can really say what I am feeling. Love and prayers to everyone.

Oh Mary, I'm so sorry about your fall. I hope you get to feeling better soon. I know this whole thing is so hard.

Reading everything-- and my heartfelt response is yes, yes, yes,,, i am there and with you all, feeling so much of the same feelings we all have-- yessss it DOES help... going to start the Visa process today with Craig.. he is a godsend... soon I can be in your country and I will arrange a meet for all of us-- u r all my heart-friends..love n hugsss

Yesterday was one year since Michael left.  It was a pretty hard day for me.  I guess my mom is so caught up in what is going on with Jessy she forgot about me.  As she is sitting there listening to my Aunt cry over her grandson did she not remember her own grandson?  I keep looking for comfort from her and I keep getting NOTHING!  My oldest sister is taking on her role.  She called to check on me.  Why won't my mother acknowledge my pain. 

I'm sorry I'm being very selfish right now.  

I know hw you all feel. We want everyone to REMEMBER our kid and love them as much as we do. There are very few family members who really bring Daniel up unless I di then they will talk. But They don't get it. They can't.Everyone just deals with death in their own way. Teresa you are not selfish you just want their love, their concern. I get so tired of "pretending" the day is fine, that I'm doing okay, etc. I just wish people could acknowledge my pain and at least say "How are you ? Do you feel like talking about Daniel?, but instead say nothing and go on and on about petty problems of their day. Maybe that's selfish but oh well, it's how I feel.

Ditto-hate leaving the safe zone--yestr was a nerve racking taxi ride to a suburb in Mumbai- my body kept stiffening and the cab driver was acting like he is doing us a favor bu ferrying us... finally i told him please don't go fast and keep some distance b/n the vehicles.. i also told him we have been in a car accident and get nervous.. the idiot kept on as b4.. when i reached the hotel room i felt much better,,, Craig's presence DOES help.. he is calm and quiet and when i get agitated doesn't say much but just touches me .. either holds my hand or just keeps his hand on me... When I am alone i am loathe to leave my home-- thats where Micks and me spent our time .. when we got back for hols or earlier when he was about 18... its all familiar--his room, his clothes, I haven't changed a thing in that house-- its there that I feel he is around me and I keep talking to him...Connie, I also sometimes obsessively bring up the 'topic' and keep talking about him..my mother often tries to change the subject and I seethe with rage-- I ask , why should i stop talking? what unmentionable thing did he do? y is  everyone treating him like some criminal?....that 'secure' feeling will take a while looks like...2day we head to a hillstation-- away from this mad city... and will be there till Friday--If you don't see any messages, its cos of the net connectivity there.. remember all of you my dearest dearest friends--I am always thinking of all here--individually ... and am always with you and draw so much strength from you...Whenever I can I will message-- love and will keep u all close to me.

yeah.... I too read and many time respond less... and some days, I can not even read every posts.... seems like too many.... too sad...  so many things happening with my Mom..... overwhelming

Dear Marilyn, Brandon is never far from you. Most men have too hard a time talking about this stuff. My husband is. I understand now, but it took awhile to understand why it was so hard for him to talk about it. Men think they have to be the strong one's, so every once in a while I can catch him at  a tender moment and get him to talk to me. I try to let him open the door to talks about our sons. I try to get the ugly stuff out in a blog to spare him from feeling helpless to me. You can always write to us. I know I will listen. I want to listen to you, and anyone else who needs a shoulder. It also helps me to feel like I'm not alone. Peace to you.

Adrianne, sometimes it is harder to post. I'm so glad we're not all in the same  place at the same time. We can build one another up when others are having an especially hard time and we can lean on one another when we need more support. I so "look forward" (although that may sound odd) to reading posts here frequently throughout the day because I feel less alone when there is a new post from a familiar (or even unfamiliar) name. It's like connecting with a special friend and I miss it when there's nothing new to read.

None of you ever have to shut up on here. That's what this site is for. We all need eachother. We need to share with eachother, and comfort one another. Only we know how to do that. Unless one walks in our shoes they cant possibly know our pain, and sadness. So there's no such thing as shutting up on here. the things we write on here not only help ourselves, but they show others that they are not alone, and that they are safe here to say whatever needs to be said.

I too feel like we are all friends. The things I post, and blog on here I could never say to anyone else. This is the place to find listening ears, and open hearts.

I know I bare my soul here.  I read and I cry with many of you.  Lately I'm emotionally going through it.  I start my day right here.  If there was an "agree" button I'd hit it everyday. It's nice to know you do know how I feel.  You understand my roller coaster emotions. Right now I'm not ready to tell my mom how upset she is making me but I can say it here.  I've been struggling with how to handle my cousins situation with the support of everyone. You guys get the date thing.  Marilyn I know your atruggling but just know I live the way you describe your journeys.

Connie thank you for letting me know it's ok to be "selfish" if that is what we are. 

Vasthani I too expeience an overwhelming sense of fear.  I don't know why when the worst has happened.  I don't know what it is I'm so afraid of these days.

Connie, Dick, Grace Mary and anyone else I'm not metioning you are all important to me and you are all apart of my healing.

Just to let you know I decided to go to the viewing and not the funeral. I can stay in the back and lean on a friend and if it gets to much for me I can slip out the door. I want to be there for Jessy but I need to take care of me too.  Since Saturday I have been an emotional mess so this could change.  

I am just posting that I am here..... listening

Dawn Opfer..am here for you.... do write more and we are listening and it wil help as you share more to know that you are understood..

yesterday I missed Micks most terribly. Craig was busy with the computer and in the morning I went out to the market... it brought back memories of being with Micks when he was small..the tableland here in the hills is a place where Micks used to cycle around and when he was even smaller we both used to slide on the same slide with me holding his hand- where is my baby?I would have shared all the new happenings in my life with him and he would have been so encouraging as I was with him... even if all else went wrong we had each other,,, o I know that Craig understands but he didnt know micks n didn't know me as a mother,,, I hesitate to keep talking about Shreyas esp when he himself was having a weird kind of day in a new country...on the way to the tableland I suddenly saw a rainbow and I told Criag,'look all on ogs keep talking of rainbows and here's ome-- what does it mean? he said,'it means its a sign from ur loved ones'.. i said ,'yes but what precisely cd it be?' he didnt know so u all here pls tell me.. im attaching a pic of the rainbow here--it made me feel better and lifted my spirits,,,Mickuuuuuu mummy loves you and misses u terribly,

One year ago today I received the worse phone call of my life.  Nothing more I can say.

Grace, Just letting you know I'm here to...listen for you too.

Vasanthi that is your rainbow. That was Mick letting you know he is with you and he wants you to be happy.

I'm hugging you Marilyn. 

Today's date is 9/18/13 yet I'm stuck on 9/18/2012 the day I received the worst call of my life.  Today I feel just like you Marilyn. 

Teresa...hugsssss.. am with u , Marilyn thank you for that wonderful little verse..put in on Micks fb page...Marilyn, I don't know what is a double rainbow--just saw the one i put up here and it spanned the tableland, the area i was driving to-- it was soooooo needed as I was so so so low and sad... yes where r u my sweet child, why did u just leave me here to struggle on without u?

Teresa, praying for you on this most difficult day.

Vasanthi, I'm so glad Craig is with you and got to experience the rainbows with you.

Marilyn, you are such a gift to others even in the midst of your own pain.

To all who are hurting xtra today (((hugs to you)))). We are here for you.

ok.... My overwhelming situation with my mother who has been estranged since she and my brother told me that I should have had an abortion instead of having my 14 year old Niles who died in 2009..... I have tried to extend an "Olive Branch" time and time again.... seeking some apology but today the bitterness surfaced again from her.... while she is preparing to be transferred to a nursing home.... I guess she will go to her grave bitter and never seeing how hurtful and hateful she has been.... Pity....Pity... But I do not think I can repair this relationship... and I am still sooo hurt by the way she and my brother and father treated my son.... before while he was alive but the hateful things said since his death......

I am so sorry for all our sadness and troubles in life.

In addition to the unbearable pain we live with each day.

There are so many "extras" that we must also take on.

But that's what makes us such loving and caring people.

Each day is so hard to get through.

But somehow we are........

xxoo

I am now volunteering some of my time each Monday.

I work in a Food Bank Warehouse. We pack and sort donations that are then distributed to our county's food banks. It feels good. It really does. I devote my time in my daughter's memory. I think she would be pleased.

Since the loss of my daughter, I sought professional help. I met with a grief counsellor through our local funeral home, he fell asleep and forgot my appointment twice! Then I signed up for a group for bereaved parents, it has been cancelled. I have been feeling very desperate, so I hired a private therapist. She has a Masters in Social Work. I have met with her three times. Each time, I told her a "little bit" of my personal feelings. Each time, she came over, she brought a list of "other" therapists in case I wanted a choice. Each time I told her that I was happy with her, she finally sent me an email that said she did not feel she could offer the "intense" counselling that she thought I needed. SO SHE DUMPED ME!!!!

You've got to be chuckling by now!

So I now feel like someone is telling me to quit looking for someone to make me feel better.

I know I will always hurt, I know that.

But maybe I can make a difference in other's lives by giving my time to them.

I am going to do more volunteer work when I think I am strong enough to commit to more.

I have also put together a team for cancer fundraising. Again, in memory of Danielle.

I am trying to keep busy, so I don't go insane.

Yes Marilyn, you are a gift!!

Jane, I apologize on behalf of those in my profession (I'm a counselor, not a social worker) for the unprofessional and uncaring attitude that you've been met with. I wonder if it's more of the same thing: people are uncomfortable with death. It's pretty upsetting, though, that even the grief group got cancelled. You deserve better.

Did you know that a rainbow happens when a ray of sunshine passes through billions of little raindrops?

Mother Nature at her best!

My son Timothy Milton Jr. Birthday is Saturday, September 21. He is 21 years old.

You are all such a blessing..Marilyn thank you for showing me the second rainbow, it lifted my spirit and I am so grateful to you for taking the time to point it out,May God always bless you with all the love in the world...Jane thank you and Michelle for your thoughts.. i wake up and get here and read what all are saying and in the midst of heartache draw so much solace...Berna.I am with you, i can understand the frustration due to helplessness and pain we feel.. On Timothy's birthday will send him special loving thoughts and lots of hugs and kisses--poor babies they had to go so soon but they will never be alone--our love will be a sheath of love for them too...my heart goes out to all the sweet children we lost..seems so meaningless...but I love them and you all, all the more fiercely for that...

I'm sorry you are overwhelmed Judy... I certainly know the feeling...my husband was the father for all of my kids and we still have a strained relationship... and I pretty much have written off the rest of my family including my mother who has said such hurtful things about my deceased 14 year old....Niles

Judy. It is so distressing a time and combined with a partner who cannot understand it must be hellish-I'm hitting rock bottom again. and feel dismayed so often that at every step one needs to reevaluate and prioritize,and combined with the deep sorrow we all carry it is overwhelming... i don't know what to say or do even in my own life so just to tell you that you are not alone-there has to be some purpose to suffering in its various forms..am still trying to figure out why and what to do...you hang in there and come here and talk about it and it will help a lot. it makes it much more bearable,,love to all my friends here.

Judy I can only echo what the others are saying.  Just know we all feel lost.  I myself...I'm just emotionally exhausted. 

Judy look into the faces of those grand children.  One day you will sit and go on and on about their dad.  You will be able to tell them who he was, what he was like, then you'll probably tell them how they look like him and act like him.  They will know their dad through you. 

Judy

How are you today?

Marilyn

Me too................

xxoo to everyone

Berna. Milt - My thoughts and prayers are with you on Saturday. The anniversaries and birthdays are so hard. Sending ((( )))

Tomorrow will mark six months since my Christopher left this earth. I can't believe it has been that long. I am feeling pretty flat, with some anxiety creeping in at times. I'm living my life, eating, sleeping, doing all the routine things, while my 41 year old son is dead. It's so backwards!!!

Setting up a Niles Benefit Fund Booth at Equi-Fest....  for the weekend.. Since Niles died in May of 2009... we have been giving "Random Act Of Kindness Donations to local people with special needs.... they are children or adults and families who live with a Medical or Mental Disability or serious Medical Crisis.  We also promote Organ Donation since Niles was an Organ Donor.... We are now working to get a 501 C3 for Non Profit... and we have given more than $10,000 in Random Donations so far.... from a Fund that Started from our Sympathy Card Money....  In November and December we will have music concerts with our fellow musician friends donating talent for 2 shows..... It makes me feel good to keep Niles Memory Alive and positive.... especially now with the Toxic situation that I have endured with my Mother and family.... My REAL FRIENDS are FAMILY.....

I decided to write this to all of you to help us focus on a Positive in our world of negatives and despair..  

WAY TO GO GRACE!!

What a kind and giving character you have.

You inspire me to do better.

Michelle

I found the 6th month mark difficult also.

I am thinking of you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.....HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR TIMOTHY MILTON JR....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.

Friends of your mom are sending hugs and kisses!!!!!!!!!!!!!

happy.jpg

xoxoxoxoxoxox Timothy we LOVE u

I want to thank everyone for the special thoughts. As I read your birthday wishes, my tears are not far behind. I just had to say thank and what a surprise to wake up and read this.

Berna

Thinking of Berna and Timothy today.

Teresa and Berna I am sending happy birthday thoughts to you both and your beautiful children. They are dancing in the sky and singing with the angel's choir...

Marilyn, don't ever tell yourself that you wont see ur darling son-- u will.. thats what keeps us going so do not despair-- i always have this feeling that it is we who are here who need prayers and those with the Lord are fine.. sending love and hugsss to all here...Teresa, Berna I hope the day was somehow bearable...Marilyn what lovely bday cards-- lifts the spirits to see it..

Thank you so much Vasanthi S.

I needed you today.

Berna

Good Morning everyone.... it is Morning and the sun is shining.... even if the cold fall weather is upon us.... The day is here and we will get though it no matter what.... and we will find something to smile about... or even reflect on our kids and the smiles they gave us.... LOVE and PEACE to you all...

Beautiful poems, thank you.