Marilyn, if you see the mountain, you are ALREADY seeing something wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling very down. Again.

It is now nine months since my daughter left for heaven.

I feel no better today than I have for the last nine months.

It just gets more sad and broken as each day passes.

I miss you so much.

I love you Danielle.

I only want to be with you.

I'm tired of trying to "carry on".

There is no true life without you.

It has no meaning for me anymore.

I'm just putting in my time until I can be with you again.

And I hope it goes fast.

So I can see you and hold you and hug you and love you......

Jane, although your message is very sad, I see hope in it, too. You said, "I'm just putting in my time..." which means you plan to stick around despite the pain of not seeing Danielle. I know it is SO hard!  

I have no choice but to stick around!

I believe Danielle is in Heaven, working for God.

Which means there IS a Heaven.

Which means I cannot "leave"

Until Heaven calls for me.

As much as I want to "leave", I could never do it.

That would be a lot of hurt I would be causing others, and I never want anyone to suffer the unbearable pain we are all living.

I understand all of it Jane. I am sorry for your loss. It was 9 months for me this weekend also. I lost my only child. Not sure why I am here now but keep seeking and having faith as hard as it is. Prayers to everyone.

Connie, Jane, I know exactly what you mean by putting in time.... i too lost my only child and as such everything seems very unreal now, and Michelle , yes it is So Hard but the only choice now is to somehow be of use to others- that may give some solace

This is such a hard road for all of us.   I want to be able to think of Michael without the pain.  I want to remember his life more then his death.  But right now I still I don't know what to do or how to do it.  And I too every night tell Michael I'm another day closer to him down that river to the other shore.    

My daughter is here spending time with me before she leaves to Maylasia.  I didn't mean to but I broke down on her yesterday. Today I'm going to change channels and take her shopping to get some things for her trip.  I really feel like telling her to get to her room and not to come out of it.  But.....I don't think that will work.

Vasanthi, Connie, & Jane my heart goes out to all of you.   

Jane, you're definitely not the only one who is putting in time. I imagine most of us feel that way.

Hi everyone. Thanks for your support as always. Jane - volunteering will absolutely help. That's really what we're here for is to love one another and help one another. I know that while you are giving of yourself your child will be with you. And i know it is easier said than done. Good luck to you with that. I wanted to share something that was posted on the "Tips for coping with Grief" group by Martha if ya'll didn't see it.

“Grief can destroy you --or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see that it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.” 
― Dean Koontz, Odd Hours

Such a beautiful share Connie-- it is also so very timely..the person I will share my life with is now in India and we are having very 'sacred' and special times together... at the same time my son not being here haunts me--after reading what you shared it is exactly what I needed to feel I am not wrong in following my heart-- I have shared it on my fb wall too...till the 25th I will be with Craig, and once he gets back to the States, soon I will follow-- planning to meet up with the ogs group and will arrange something for sure-- will take about 4,5 months but we are all here as long as we live--Jane I draw a lot of inspiration from you-- thank you for being what u r so that others like me draw strength and try n go on.. love to all

Today is a horrible day.  I woke to find out that in the night my cousin was shot in the head twice by her husband, he then killed their 10 year old son and himself.  My cousin is in surgery right now fighting for her life.  Please God stay with her.

Teresa, I am so deeply sorry to hear the incredibly tragic news. We live in a world that is sometimes totally incomprehensible. Prayers for all involved. It must exacerbate your own feelings of grief. I wish it weren't so...

Thank you for all your prayers.  Yesterday was a horrible day that has left many of us in disbelief.

I am emotionally exhausted.  My cousin survived. When I entered her hospital room she just looked at me and cried.  As she described her emotional pain and the emptiness she feels all I could say was, "I know".  I am sooo sad today. I need to believe Michael was there to get Little Jake and show him his way to heaven.  I just can't stop crying today.

Teresa -   Gosh I just don't understand ... nothing makes sense anymore...    So so sorry this has happened.   HUGsss

Teresa,

Horrifying and I really have no words- just keeping u in my thoughts and sending lots of prayers for peace.... all here -- love u all.

The pictures of the flowers are really nice.

Thank you to everyone for your support during this very difficult time.

I'm not sure how to process all this.

I was so hung up in my own grief this month dreading Michael's one year mark and this happens.  Now all I can do is think about what I know she is feeling and how horrible it is.  I think your right it is intensifying my own feelings of grief. I HATE SEPTEMBER!  I NEVER WANT IT TO COME AGAIN!

I'm so sorry Teresa.

We are here for you.

It's like this can't be real, but I know it is. 

I appreciate the support.  You and I know there are no words.  Just knowing I have a place to turn during all this madness is enough. And there's no words I can say to her, all I can do is be there for her even during my own tough time.

My cousin is recovering. One bullet grazed her head and the other went in and out without hitting her brain. 

Emotionally I just don't know.  I know what it feels like to lose a child but to lose your husband too and he is the one responsible for it all. I just can't imagine what she will go through. 

This was DOMESTIC VILOENCE at it's worse.

They have been together since they were kids.  They have 3 children, an older daughter who lives on her own, a 14 year old that was there and locked herself in her bedroom and then their 10 year old son who is now with Michael.     

She stayed through it all because she said, she loved him.

She was quietly planning on leaving him after all these years and he found out. 

Oh my God I just thought of something....

The funerals.....how the hell am I going to do that?

I can't do that! Not now!  Not this month!  

Teresa,

Its so difficult even to hear all this so I just can't imagine how it is, just that its all so much of pain, pain and pain...God help us all..love to everyone- u r all always in my thoughts.

Teresa, if you need to go to the wake/funeral for Jake, God and Michael will be with you giving you the strength to get through it. I know this is a very difficult month for you. You have my prayers and love.

I'm sorry for dumping this on everyone, but it's just so emotionally overwhelming.  I talked to my aunt yesterday and she understands.  Now I need to talk to my cousin.  I don't know if I can handle it all.  With Michael's one year mark coming I am just not in the right place in my mind.  I want to be there for her, but I'm not sure I can be. I need to call her today. 

The purple flowers to me represented Michael and Jake.  The stars are Michael leading Jake to heaven. 

Again thank you for being there and for listening. 

My heart is with everyone!

Teresa, I'm glad you have this group to share your true feelings with. First and foremost, you need to take care of yourself and do what's right for you. If it's too emotionally distressing to go, honor that and allow yourself to take care of YOU. Just pray for guidance to know what you need and to be able to follow through without judging yourself.

I just learned through other people that My Mom may have a Brain Tumor... My brother who is "In Charge" did not call any of her other kids.... this is the same brother who when My mom was having A mastectomy argued with me about coming to her doctor appointments and said that I "should have had an Abortion" instead of having my 14 year old Son Niles who had Autism.... who had been dead for almost 3 years.... My mother heard him and also reaffirmed the idea on a phone call saying that She and My father (Who is now also deceased) Would have "Gone along with what ever Dave and I would have decided to do but because we were going to church we decided that we had to have that baby...."   Needless to say.. I have been quite hurt and estranged since then and have a difficult time with all of this.... seems like my mother has done nothing to make amends and most of my contact with her just involves her stirring the Sh** Pot with her children.... It is really a message that I get that she and my brother really have not talked to any of the other children.. so I guess it is a pity that she has developed such estrangement in her old age.....sad.

Grace

You're right, it is sad, such a waste.

We are here for you.

Grace, it's so hard when family members, the people who are supposed to love us unconditionally, are hurtful to us. I'm sorry that you mom and brother are causing you so much pain. I hope your mom heals physically and is able to reconcile with you and your siblings. I hope she recognized the beautiful blessing that Niles was in your family.

Thank You all.... I wonder if there is any reconciliation ... so many hurtful things have happened.  I try to see others who have had more serious conflicts... some days maybe this hurt seems minimal to others.... Yet it is so hard not to have the family to lean on....

Niles was a challenge but he was such a blessing.... His life had so much meaning to those he touched..... We hosted so many other children (Foreign and from Mississippi) All had Niles stories of blessings.... they all helped with him and learned from him....  One girl has returned and has her 4 year old.. I was worried how I would feel with a little girl who might want to watch Sponge Bob... (Niles favorite) But so far I am ok.... she is so loving....

For all of us there may be different circumstances but the pain is no different and there is a process we all must go through to find the new us. 

Grace I am so sorry.  For someone to say that to you about Niles and for it to be your own family, is just heart breaking.  

Tell us about Niles Grace, let us know him and love him. 

Niles was my 3rd child.... all of my children were planned and wanted children.... I was a 5th child and was the "Mistake".... the one that caused my mother to hemorrhage....I heard so many stories about how my mother suffered after my birth.... how I was needing others to care for me because she was so sick....  Niles was the biggest child I gave birth to. He was 10 1/2 lbs. and filled the warming bed.  I had amniocentesis while I was pregnant because I had a different OBGYN than I had with my first 2 babies.  All indications were that I had a healthy baby.  I did not smoke or use drugs while pregnant.  I did not find out that Niles had Autism until he was nearly 3 years old. 

My life as well as our children and husband revolved around Niles.  We tag teamed caregiving.... so my other kids as well as all of the foreign exchange students and Mississippi kids we hosted... helped with Niles.  We all loved him.  Niles could be challenging but he also could snuggle.

Several times in his life we had very scary medical crisis's... usually seizures... and many times I read about other families losing children with autism to seizures....  Ironic how Niles had this happen the same day as John Travolta lost his son with autism to a seizure in January.... we were airlifted then too... and we always said "There But for the Grace Of God" when we heard about Travolta's .... little did we know we would be in that same situation come May.

Niles needed a lot of advocacy for his school environment. I traveled the state with other Special Ed folks helping parents get the right services for kids with special needs... in fact I testified at our State Legislation about limiting or eliminating Seclusion and Restraint of our kids by the Public school systems.... after his death.   This was a problem for Niles until his last school year experience.  I could write a book on how Special Ed kids are not being treated right.  it is the current Civil Rights issue that many have dealt with from discrimination.

My kids and the young folks would tell you though that as far as Niles was concerned... He was happy and Loved by his family... at least his closest family.   this is why I just can not get past the fact his extended family like his grand parents did not value his life.

I think theses situations make us re evaluate things... and maybe that is a good thing....

Mary, I've been thinking about you, wondering how your time away from home was going. Obviously, not so great! I'm glad you're back home, safe and sound. I hope you at least had some quality time with your sister. Hugs...

I Hear you Marilyn.... ironically, my sister also had a special needs son... she hardly offered any help to our family... even though her son went on many vacations with me and mine...like Amusement parks, and Florida.... we even spent time bringing him to see where Kennedy was killed because he loved Kennedy and Space..... took him to an air base with Space rockets and monkeys.... yet my family never returned affection for Niles.... We were told by my parents to "kindly not bring him here".... wow the video tape of how many times they were so cruel to him .... and the abortion thing just was the end of the line... I mean how many times to you bring your child around these people that you are supposed to Honor you Father and Mother... when they have No Honor for a child?  I just hit the wall....

I miss my child..........

Me, too. Badly.

Marilyn and Grace you ladies are angels in the lives of these children.   I know what both of you say is true and that's why God choose you and not them to love and care for these kids.

Marilyn there is no doubt in my mind when I look at Brandon that you assisted him in living his life to the fullest.  He has the biggest smile ever. 

Emotionally I'm sliding down.  As Michael's one year mark gets closer I'm getting more and more sick.  I miss him so bad my insides hurt! 

My daughter leaves today to Maylasia for 2 years.  She is going there to teach.  I can't keep her behind to cry with me, but I really don't want her to go. 

My cousin was released from the hospital.  Right now I'm standing back. I remember those few days when the phone was ringing off the hook and people smothering me.  I was so grateful when my daughter arrived and took over for me.  I know my aunt is going to step in and assist her.  I will go to her one on one when the funeral is over. 

My heart is with everyone and for those who are struggling this week...your not alone.

Teresa, I can only imagine how hard it is for you to see your daughter going away for two years. The timing, so close to Michael's one year anniversary, must make it doubly difficult. As for your cousin, it sounds like you've made a great decision about how to handle things, seeing her privately after the funeral. I wonder why life has to be so difficult for some of us.

Marilyn, your writings are so meaningful.

What a beautiful message you sent to Teresa.

I agree Marilyn, Teresa has made the right decision. The one that is best for her.

We have to learn how to do that.

We are suffering the highest level of pain possible. Do not give yourself any more. (If we have that choice)

Very inspirational writings, thank you.

xxoo to all

thinking of you all .... been a little busy but I always draw strength from our group esp the times i feel most alone.. i know i am not alone and all here understand .. gives me courage when i most need it-- love u all.. thanks for always sharing and always being encouraging..will i really never see him again?:(

Vasanthi, you KNOW you will see Shreyas again. Don't let those doubts creep in because we all know that the certainty of seeing our beloved children is what keeps us here on earth until we're called to be reunited with them. Otherwise, we would all go crazy and do the unthinkable and you're much too wise and loving a person to even entertain those dark ideas. (I'm not implying that you were thinking of anything like that, so please don't misunderstand.)

I would appreciate prayers for better health. I have been sick with some kind of respiratory infection for almost three weeks. I thought I was starting to get better, but it has come back with a vengeance. I finally got prescription medication today because my resistance has been so low since Chris died. I've had high blood pressure, gastritis, gout, and now this, all diagnosed since it happened.

My son's stepdad has asked for a seperation for the 3rd time since Gabe died so I am moving on Saturday. I have to leave Gabe;s dog and so I feel like i am loosing a nother peice of what I have left of Gabe. This is no life for anyone, It's barely surviving 2 years later and the sadness never leaves. I truely don't know what happend to my life

Toni, I know how important Gabe's dog is to you. Is there any way someone can take care of the dog for you until you're able to keep it yourself??

Marilyn I'm feel stuck too.  I feel like the world is going on while I'm stuck.  Just like many of you I put on a fake face to get through the day.  With Michael's one year date coming I'm getting sicker by the day.  I don't know if I'm doing it to myself or if it's part of the process.

I come to this site every morning before I start my day.  Even when I don't post I still read them all. While we all struggle I find encouragement and pull from everyone, even those who think they are at their weakest.  And even though I said it before I will say it again.....many people do not have a clue as to what I am experiencing but I come here and feel very normal.  I see others feeling the way I do and doing some of the things I do and that let's me know I'm ok.

I wish I could climb to heaven and go get our kids.  I want to tell God he took the wrong ones, but who would be the right ones? 

I think of my cousin Jessy, I know exactly what she is experiencing and it is breaking my heart that someone I love has to live this. She reached out to me last night and I told her I will be there for her.  Not sure what I can really do for her other then just be there. 

Toni, you will never lose Gabe.  No matter where you go he will be with you. 

Gabes stepdad inherited the hous three months before Gabe died and I sold my house and moved so it is his house and I am moving to an apartment.  Things just seem to be getting worse since Gabe died and I spend every day waiting to see him again. I tell him a hundred times a day how much I love him. Gabes stepdad is so mad he can't think straight, Gabes death is going to be his ending and I can't seem to help him anymore. Gabe would be so sad to see what has happened 

Toni, any idea why Gabe's stepdad is so angry? Does it have to do with Gabe's death?

Yes, he went to grief counciling for 6 months and I went for a year. He says that gabe is the ONE person in this world he can't live without. He was the best best stepdad to Gabe, in fact Gabe thought of him as dad not stepdad, They were best friends and were very very close. I raised gabe by myself until he was 6. He has not talked to me in a month and I am moving tomorrow and I am very frightened . it's too much sadness . Gabes death was frightening and sad and I was on medecine for 18 months because I kept thinking I was having a heart attachk because I couldnt breath and my chest hurt so bad. My husband has been to the hospital because 2 times he thought he was having a heart attack...DR said post tramatic stress syndrome from Gabes death   

I'm so sorry, Toni, for both of you. You both love Gabe and it's terrible that it's Gabe's death that is tearing you apart. I wish he could see that you need one another for comfort. I wonder what he hopes to accomplish with the separation?