Thanks to all the posts-- keeps me going-- really appreciate the time everyone takes to share-- this group , I consider among my closest friends though brought together by such a tragedy, it is still made up of stalwart people--- love to all...we are 'work in progress' in God's workshop.

I'm afraid to be alone.  I seem to have my worst moments alone. 

Niles ashes are next to me in my dresser.... I don't know if I will ever Spread them....4 years almost 3 months.

Hi everyone.  I am having a calmer day so far.  Always grateful for that blessing.

I can't let go of Cha's ashes either.  For some reason I feel a closeness to him with them here.  I am afraid to let them go even tho I know he would think that foolish of me.

After 3 years I accept the tears when they come.  I don't try and hold them back unless there are people from outside the family around. They are just a sign of our love and that love we have for our children is worth every tear. 

Hang on Connie.  {{{{{Connie}}}}}  You are in my thoughts and prayers as are each one on here.  

I just weep all month long in August, for Danny. Now I have my remaining sons birthday, wedding anniversary, and my grandchild's birth day all this month. Well, I guess it is better than Christmas :(.

Please say a prayer for us on August 14, it will not be a good day.

I will always miss you Danny. Love Dad.

My Michael's ashes are on my dresser.  I can't see myself ever being able to part with Michael's ashes.  I know Michael's not literally in there but I hug that marble box and I talk to it and I find comfort doing it. 

Some anniversaries although they are yearly I can still forget them.  But the date of losing Michael rings out for me monthly.

I went and spent time yesterday with another mom who lost her child.  We shared stories, we talked about the hard road we're on, we cried, we laughed, & we shared pictures.  Saddest thing is it's the best conversation that I have had with someone face to face since losing Michael.  I didn't have to put a front, I didn't have to explain anything and most of all I didn't have to hide my grief. 

Marilyn, I know what you mean by "another Thursday." I wonder if Thursday will ever again be just another day of the week...

Mary, it's hard, isn't it, to see the monthly anniversary roll around? I hate the time that makes it seem that Chris is further and further away from me, yet I know he's probably closer than he's ever been.

Thinking of you Mary.  I know these days and dates are with us all the time.  Know that you are always in my prayers as are all of us here.

I do believe that gradually the hardness of facing these days and month anniversaries eases.  Keep hope in your hearts for gentler days.

Teresa I'm happy for you that you were able to have that time with another mom in the same situation we are in.  Only another can understand completely the loss we have had.  Nothing is as important as our children.  I've always said that I would give up everything material to have our son back.

Sending hugs of comfort to all.

Thank you Ammy, hugs mean a lot...sometimes i feel as if distance is measured in time-- every passing day makes him a day away-- or i want to dare hope like Michelle that he is closer than b4-- totally confused- this is confounding and makes me distraught...am with u Marilyn and all others-- prayers pls

30 years ago on August 1, 1983 I lost my first husband.... buried him on the 3rd... our Anniversary would be August 14 1982..... and the 4 years plus about 3 months I lost my son.... I lost my father about 9 months later... .... I am still here.... breathing...one day at a time.... and yes all the same book just different chapters I guess....

I'm concerned about Bonnie J. Has anyone heard from her?

Thanks Ammy for the hugs and prayers. Reading about everyone's struggle with what, how long, where, etc for our child's ashes is so tough. That is exactly what I have been struggling with for the last couple of weeks. It has really brought everything to the surface. I had an extraordinary urn made by a glass artist that my son loved.  Unfortunately the final product turned out too small for all the ashes. So we have been trying to decide whether to put some in the urn (which is what we wanted and I know my son would want) and the the remainder in a box right beside or under the glass urn. Because the urn is glass and we live in earthquake country we need to put it in a protective case and secure that to the furniture then furniture to the wall. The whole process is making me so upset. I wanted to keep the ashes together altho I know many people separate them, keep some with them or divide them amongst loved ones. I need to display this beautiful urn and tribute to my son but I can't get the strength. I just can't come to grips with my son in a box on the shelf, then trying to separate the ashes and find the right box and oh God it is just so hard. It was 8 months last week. And I so relate to getting a day away from when he was here. It is causing me anxiety to remember something I forgot!! I don't want to forget anything. I just want him back.  (((  )))) to all of you. Thank God you are all here to talk to.

During this time when you are feeling stressed thinking you need to make a decision ... DON'T.  You do not need to deal with it right now unless it is something urgent.  Take your time.  You will know when you are ready to decide.

It's very hard to make decisions, especially during the first year.  Maybe even longer.  When you can't figure out what to have for dinner, how can you decide on more important things?  It will come to you gradually.

Right now you need to focus on your needs and those you take care of.  That is first.  Everything else will get done eventually.  Little by little you will be able to handle more.  

My heart aches for you, as it does for myself, but I found it helpful to not put myself in any stressful situations if I didn't have to.  My grief is stressful enough.  I really did not function well for at least a year.

I hope this helps you to feel less pressured.  XO•♥•OX

not a good night of sleep...  It has been more than 4 years.... I dreamed that "They" (Maybe Child Protective Services?) Took my Niles away from me... and I was trying really hard to control my emotions and negotiate with "THEM" to give him back and let him come home to me.... What is worse than a Dream like that is kind of waking up and again realizing that he IS NOT EVER Coming Home because he is dead.... I have a Horrible headache this morning...

Grace, thinking of you.. don't allow that dream.. and its just a silly dream ..to take away the good feeling u have about your son..hugsss

Grace that was like my dream of the kitchen floor swallowing my daughter.  I woke up so upset even though I knew it was a dream. 

I tried to negotiate with God more then once to give me Michael back. I do this while awake you just did it while asleep.

No one can take our children from us.  Yes they are gone physically but emotionally no one can take them from us. 

I will always be Michael's mom and I will never stop being his mom. 

Just as you will always be Niles' mom.

Ammy your encouraging.  Thank you! 

Marilyn, who are all the people in your lovely photo?

Love the pic Marilyn, pls dont remove ur posts...hugsss

You're right Marilyn it is the most horrible, awful thing. We can only take it on one moment at a time. I know (we all do) how you feel. There are those moments when the only thing that seems real is the fact that my son is not here with me...for the rest of my life. It is hard to fathom and I wonder, even with faith, how I can endure it. Loved seeing your picture and putting a face to your posts. Hang in there. (((( ))))

Marilyn, you and your family are beautiful! (Don't put yourself down, please.) You all look so happy and it's easy to tell there is a lot of love in your family. I, too, like having a picture to go with the name. Brandon and your kids have been so lucky to have you for a mom. I know how hard this is. I wish none of us ever had to experience it.

Nightmares

Mine come to me the second I wake up. They stay with me all day long. Every action I make reminds me of my daughter. The food I eat reminds me of my daughter. It is non stop for me. It is everywhere at all times. It's like wearing a "coat of grief".

When I had my first nightmares... it always was me leaving Niles at the hospital and him still lying in the ICU Bed... then I imagine the total Organ Harvest... them cutting his body to get the heart... the bone.... and so forth... then the other nightmare was of the actual cremation process.... I always said to my friends that have said "I can't Imagine what you are feeling".... I think to myself... if anyone knew what went through my brain.... then they would lock me up in a rubber room....  there is a Horror movie in my brain that is worse than any Anyone has ever seen in the movies... And there are times where I just can not even tell anyone ..... because it would never be anything the mind should even endure.....

I know. My daughter was also my best-my only-friend. We shopped, we ate, went to the movies, took cards to the coffee shop and played Rummy. The nightmares are all while awake.

Chris, I am deeply sorry for the recent loss of your daughter. I hope you find some comfort in this group of caring people.

Chris, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain that you are living with. My daughter was 25. She was also my constant companion in every aspect of our lives. I know what you're feeling.........I'm so sorry. It is a very rough road.

Chris, I feel for you, am so sorry that this happened..my son also was the world to me. Jane , I know what this is like-- my son was 27 and even if we were separated due to geography and work related needs, we chatted every two hours or so and stayed connected in our hearts.. it is so difficult as at this time in 2011 he was to come home on 13th of aug n had stayed with me for a wonderful week ... never knew that 3 months alter he just wont be there...Marilyn. Michelle,Grace, Dawn, I'm hoping this next week I won't keep replaying it all again... Chris, again I'm so sorry-- anytime u need to talk please feel free to send a message on just get in touch with anyone here. I know from my own experience that had it not been for so many here, some days would have been most unbearable.. sending prayers and at the same time, keep feeling your daughter's presence and it gives a huge amount of peace and stillness when its done... she will never not be there . love to all here.

I asked my son via Text, to pick some pear for me. Little did I know he would not ever be able to pick me some pears again. Lord, Have Mercy on Me. I am fighting for my job and begging the DA to help me find who shot my only son at age 20. (9 months ago ). Please pray for me as I will pray for you too.

Berna, You are in my thoughts.. sending u lots of prayers for strength and that you get the closure required as well as abundance . Love.

it seems as all of us are living in a nightmare..... PEACE for today.

Some of Michael's friends keep calling me.  They ask how I am and then they tell me how much they miss him. It warms my heart to know he left such an impact on others.

Yesterday the secretary from his job called, she told me every morning he brought the office to life with his sense of humor and she told me they put up a memorial in his honor in the office. 

Part of me wants to go to the place where he worked.    I don't know what I would say or do there and I'm afraid they will think I'm strange.  I'm not even sure why I'm driven to go there.

The only nightmare I had was the one of my daughter being swallowed by the kitchen floor and me waking up screaming, "Get her out"!  The only dream of Michael that I had was 3 months after losing him.  I was standing on a sidewalk when a black car came slowly driving by.  When I looked at the driver it was Michael with a big smile holding up the peace sign. I woke up screaming "I saw Michael"!

For mother and son Michael and I were very close. 

I have nowhere to go. I am stuck. My body can't do this anymore. I have tried to help myself but nothing is working. I have lost the strength to try anymore. I can't stop crying. My eyes hurt so much. I look like hell. I feel sick. I am beginning to think about taking "the meds". Will they help with this kind of grief? Do I care anymore? I just want to be with my daughter. She truly was "my life". She was all things good. Kind, gracious, thankful, a beautiful soul. I know she is in good hands. I just want to be with her. There is nothing left here for me. I have no life to return to. She was my life. It's been 8 1/2 months since she left. I have not been able to do anything. I just keep crying. How much longer can I survive like this?

I'm sorry if anything I say makes it worse for any of you. I want you all to heal. I want all of your pain to soften. I want only the best for all of you who have had to endure this extreme pain.

They say there is a reason for everything. What kind of reason is this?

What purpose is served by the loss of our child?

My heart goes out to all of you.

I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself. But I can't seem to stop. What else is there?

I am so sorry for what my daughter had to endure. It was all so very unfair. Life was stolen from her long before she left.

:( pls b ok everyone... feel sick to my stomach

Jane, your words and thoughts are sounding very scary again. I am very concerned about you. I know your grief is overwhelming. I know it feels like nothing matters anymore. But there is a reason you were left behind to continue your life, even though you don't know why. What would your daughter tell you right now if you could hear her speak? Please don't do anything that's un-doable.

And, yes your daughter IS stunningly beautiful!

Hi Everyone.  I am so saddened to be reading how hard this is for you, but I understand it completely.  Sometimes I don't want to read it because it brings me back to that early time.  I am not going to lie and say I still cry constantly and have that gut wrenching wailing.  It is gentler now.  I cried today as I was preparing something for dinner because I knew it was something my son enjoyed.  The tears still come unexpectedly, but for shorter periods of time.  There are still rough days, but I think I have adjusted to them and resolve myself to just get through those days.  Believe, hope, and hang in there.

I don't think it will ever completely leave and I really don't think I would want it to.  My son is worth it and every tear I've shed and will shed is shed in love, and he deserves them.

I was going through old writings and things I posted on his memorial wall to try and see if I could figure out a timeline for when I started to feel it ease up some.  I know each one of us will have a different timeline, but I believe we all will get there.  It was longer than I thought, but hang in there and never give up.  Your child deserves you to be here for them.  You will be the one to carry on their memory as it will begin to fade from others.

I am so sorry for all the losses and there is no explanation for them that we can ever fully understand.  I send my love to each one of you and my sincerest wishes & prayers for some comfort and strength to endure through this time.  (((((Hugs)))))

Jane - your daughter is so beautiful. Your post sounds like I wrote it. I understand the despair. But I do not think my son or your daughter wants us to be suffering so because they are not. I believe they are at peace with Spirit. At least I try to believe or I would feel there was nothing left for me. I am trying so hard to find that meaningful thing that I am still here to do - to love my family and friends as I never could before knowing how quickly they can be taken from us. It has been 8 and a half months for me also and I feel the same as you because it seems that the shock it wearing off and the cold hard reality that they are gone forever in this life is setting in. It's so so so hard. I find peace going outside and gardening or trying to help someone else who is in pain however I can. Perhaps this will honor my Daniel's beautiful life. I still want him to be proud of me. So hang in there because your daughter is still with you and will help you get through. Your giving spirit that you showed in taking care of your daughter is still there and I hope and I know you are meant to still nurture others. I am praying for you and all of us who are enduring this fate. ((( )))

Vasanthi - I am sorry you are feeling sick. Sometimes this grief is just too much. I am so tired and feel sick and nauseous easily. I have gained weight and today someone at work asked me if I was pregnant!!! I'm 55years old and I wanted crawl under a rock and cry even more. I hardly recognize myself anymore and it's hard to take good care of yourself when you are so sad and apathetic about everything. Just know that you are not alone. Hugs and prayers just for you. ((( )))

Connie, thank you for your words-- everything is a source of solace..was thinking about what Michelle said about there is a reason we are left behind and the best way to find that is to simply reach out to others somehow...

Jane, what a lovely girl she is... I sometimes feel that all the parents here had such a special love and bond with their children.. many times there is no love bn parents and their children.. well we all have been blessed with beautiful , loving, kind souls who came to us in this special way, so maybe we are being prepared for something better, something which will enable us to understand that 'peace which passeth all understanding?'... i hope this for all here--

Marilyn u put up such lovely pics.. the children always have such contagious grins-- only a loving mom can make kids grin like that... so know that you are very special.

Ammy . its so nice to hear that while we keep the children locked in our hearts , we will honour the love we had by just knowing that none of us are alone and we can be of some help to one or many more--

Love to all, each n everyone here... 

Marilyn I know your pain is no less then mine but I find your words inspirational.

Ammy I know you go through your own stuff, but your words help me.

Jane, please know we all know what you are feeling.  We all feel the physical pain, the emotional pain and we are all questioning.  In the past 11 months I have said the words "No" and "Please" so much they no longer sound like words. Just know you are not alone.  Your daughter's smile is beautiful.

I told Michael's friend I would give him one of Michael's jersey's.  Michael was known for wearing jersey's from various sports teams.  I just went to the closet where I have them hanging.  As I touched each one I could see him wearing it, of course I broke into tears.  I just can't part with any of them.  I'm not ready to.

Tomorrow will be 11 months, so today did not start out so good.

Now is not the time to go to that closet and try to choose a jersey to give away.

No need to put pressure on yourself, Teresa.

I want you all to know how much I look forward to reading and writing with all of you. It feels like a life line. Thank You for that.

I have not been doing well, I dropped into a bad place. Without your words of encouragement, it would have been worse.

My husband forced me into the doctor's office today. An anti depressant and a sedative has been prescribed. I have fought against taking anything for 8 1/2 months. But I can't do this anymore. I am giving in and will take them. I have to go back in 2 days to see him. Also a psychiatrist.

When I left the office, I could not wait to "talk" to you.

Only we can truly understand. I realize that now.

I feel safe opening up to you. Thank You again.

I have been holding it in for a very long time.

Teresa, you're right, you're not ready.

Jane, I feel such a sense of relief to know that you went to the doctor and you're willing to take medication to help you through this. That shows a real strength on your part and a great deal of love on your husband's. We moms are so used to being strong for everyone else, sometimes to our own detriment. When we need help, we are wise to do what we would have no trouble encouraging a loved one to do.

I, too, find the people on here to be my lifeline. I check often throughout the day for new posts and I'm always grateful when there are some. I feel like all of you are my friends, just as Vasanthi has said. I go to The Compassionate Friends support group once a month, but having 24/7 support available makes all the difference.

Remember, you GIVE as much as you get, Jane. We need you as much as you need us.

Has anyone heard from Bonnie Jacobs? I'm concerned that she hasn't been posting...

Thank you Michelle, you are so kind.

I don't know Bonnie. Perhaps she's on holidays?

Sorry Michelle, I don't know Bonnie well.  Have left her a message, but we will just have to pray that she responds and that she is holding up.

A hug to all.

Teresa, I share the 14th with you even though you are in the early stages it was one of the first thoughts I had this morning - "Oh, tomorrow will be 37 months, I am going into another year".  Shed a few tears and prayed.  I know how hard it is for you and my heart is with you.  (((Hug)))