Jane, I think people often give subtle or not-so-subtle signs that they really don't want to hear about our feelings regarding our deceased child, so we keepthem close to the vest. Maybe it's because we know there's no way we'd be able to make them understand. Maybe even, though this may sound weird, we want to hang onto our own grief and not give any of it up to someone else. I just don't know.

Karen, love heading back your way.

Gina your not alone.  My Michael has been gone for almost 11 months and yet to me it's like no time has passed.  I don't want September to come. Everyone moved forward and I'm still here grieving.  Everyday I tell myself I'm not going to cry but I do. But I keep trying to get to that better place in this anyway.  And hopefully one day like Ammy and others I will.

We're Mom's Gina, we will never desert our kids.   Others might think I'm crazy but I talked to Michael everyday.  I tell him the things I would as if he was here.  When I'm crying alone I ask him to hold my hand. I make Michael a part of my day.

Ammy I remember when my grandmother passed away, I tried to convince myself my mother was hiding her. Of course she wasn't.

I wish there was a "like" button on here.  I write things on facebook about my Michael.  I'm not hiding my grief from anyone.  Each month I acknowledge my Michael. I put pictures.  I posted the one of the songs Marilyn put up. My family and friends may not know what to say or how to help but they give me support just be simply hitting the "like" button.

Mary, sorry you're having a difficult day (which one isn't?!). Prayers for a bit of peace and joy to enter into your sadness.

Marilyn, I'm glad you have this safe place to share what's really going on. I hope your visit ends on a more positive note.

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Mary & Marilyn, it's okay.  You are feeling exactly as you should be.  Cry if you need to.  I already had a good cry this morning.  It may be the only one today or it may not.  I allow it when I feel it.  I believe it helps us to cry even though we are beside ourselves at the time.

Marilyn, why can't you mention Brandon?  Maybe your son is waiting for you to open up so he can too.

One thing I've learned is that some people dance around us according to our dance.  I hope you know what I mean by that.  Others just don't want to deal with it or us.  It's such a mix of actions or non-actions as if we need more confusion in our lives.  That's why I say to do what feels right for you.

Teresa, you're not crazy, crazy.  Just grief crazy.  I talk to my son and I even visualize being with him, hugging him.  Sometimes it brings comfort and sometimes it makes it worse.  No control on what we are going to feel at any given moment.

This morning I convinced myself that he is coming home.  I don't want to say that's not true because then it won't happen.  Am I crazy?  Maybe it came to me because yesterday I brought up the conspiracy notion I had in the beginning.  We just do what we need to do to survive and anything is acceptable if it helps and is not going to cause harm.  Today I need to feel like he is coming home.

You are all in my prayers for comfort & healing.  And to those that pray, you can pray for me too.

yesterday was my cousin's b'day-- 60th -- and his wife had organised some get together-- my cousin specifically asked me to come-- i said yes , ok, and then decided that I don't want to go,because there will be so many people and when they look at me, I symbolize every parent's nightmare. I couldn't bear the thought of putting up a smile, cdn't bear that some will say , ok its almost two years and how are you, and now u must move on with ur life and even worse, we feel so bad... well so do I, i feel sick , sick that Micks wont give me a dose of his sardonic humour, tease me about my fears or just call and say ,'I'll be home in half an hour" ..all this will never ever happen again as long as I live, he isn't here on earth!!!!  I have though met someone very special, someone who understands me and someone I would like to be with..as would he.. he is from your country and neither of us ever expected this so its all the more special. I just feel bad and tell him too , I feel as if its either/or.. and I wish it wasn't so...Micks used to keep saying, " Mummy what the hell are you waiting for? Papa got married, and you are waiting forever?" I used to tell him that I just don't want to as I used to feel that when he comes home it would have all changed and he won't look at it as home-- that was my fear and I wouldnt do anything to allow that to happen.. he always said mummy u r wrong-- I have my own life and will be happy if u 'get a life for god's sake' well i had a full life, very many interests, all my time to devote to running a school and enjoying the school kids and having ny own time with my very sweet son... it has all changed... I have met someone a while ago and he is coming here in September, he has suffered too in so many ways and I hope I do justice to this relationship... why did God make it either/or?

I just wanted to add a note that a friend wrote:

I just want to add that another way of looking at tears is that they are "drops of love."

Mary, celebrate each small victory!

This may be an appropriate credo for many of us. I hope it touches you as it touched me.

Mary

I am so happy you had a "good" day. We are now so grateful for the little things in life. They mean so much more than they ever did.

Michelle

Your poem is perfect!

Hope you all have some peace today.

Love to all of you

xxoo

Marilyn, plans are on , sometime after September , in a month or so after that, that's what we plan.... He has to come to meet my parents!I do wish he could have known Micks and am deeply saddened that it didn't happen that way-- feel bad, have doubts, lots of them about me being able to do justice to this relationship-- sometimes I hope he says I'm awful and calls it off! When I'm happy, I'm also a little guilty-- ughhhhh hate all these feelings , really hate them...Marilyn am happy though that you have spent time with others... I still balk at meeting lots of people :( sometimes people do not talk about Shreyas and I want to shout and say ," what did he do? why are you all pretending like he was never there?":( My mother toochanges the subject when I talk and I seethe ..oh how I seethe...:(

Love and hugs to all here -- I always draw so much strength from this wonderful group of people. If I couldn't come here I would be more lost.Had read something beautiful, written by Paul Brunton, and have been searching so that I can post it here for all to read-- Haven't found it yet-- but I will and then will post it here..will help us all... xoxoxoxoxox

Mary, I found this one.  Hope you can read it.

Sending my hopes for peace and comfort to all.  ♥

I took my sons best friend to get his drivers licence yesterday and it was so very bittersweet. my sons 2 closest friends spent a lot of time at our house before Gabe died and they have kept in very close touch with my husband and I  for the last 2 years. we no longer live in the same neighborhood but we see them several times a month, they call us when they need help with anything. Gabe loved the fact that when things were not good at there homes they would come and stay with us. they are now 18 but still call when they need advice.  I came home yesterday and haven't stooped crying since. I want my son here with me. I went to grief counceling since the accident but continue to cry in my sleep every night. every once in awhile I wake up and forget for just a second he is gone. I picked up the phone at work on 5/26/2011 at 1pm and my whole life ended. I thought I would just die in my sleep from so much heart pain but I get up and go to work every day and I am still here

Toni, I know how you feel and its always a shock after that first moment in the morning-- for a second all is ok and then it dawns ... please know that you are not alone... We forget that God is closer to us than we can ever imagine..please hang on to that and the thought that your son loves you as deeply as you love him and maybe someday it may make sense and right now what will make sense is feeling your son's love enveloping you.. please see that after all we all are on a kind of journey here , a spiritual journey and this is a place which is not permanent, but love is permanent, it will never forsake you. I hope I am making sense cos I am typing as I am thinking..sending love and praying for healing for you. Please do reach out to those in the group here who may live near you? 

Ammy thanks , I also had a problem reading the poem , the lovely one posted by Michelle... yesterday I was so low n in despair-- just talking to Michelle helped and she made me smile... here we all know how important it is to hear about the children who 'went away'... its sheer music to be able to hear about them and hear about the wonderful children whom we have had n do have in our hearts...truly there is something to it that the best flee sooner-- Toni, don't cry and feel your son's presence....love to all...

Ammy, thanks so much for finding a better, readable copy of what I posted. That was so much easier to read!

Vasanthi, I was also comforted with our conversation. You are such a lovely person; I can see where Shreyas got his joy for life. I did check out his web page and loved getting to "know" him through his photos.

Marilyn and Mary, we also had conversations and they were a Godsend to me. I wish I could meet ALL of you in person. I feel a closeness to you despite the distance between us. Gratefully, our children no longer have ANY distance between themselves and us...if only we could always feel that!

Toni, though your son is gone, tragically, you are blessed to have his friends surrounding you with love. I suspect your son is somehow instrumental in all that happening.

LOVE to all!

Mary, when I found that poem, I thought of a lot of people, especially those who intentionally hurt me after Chris died. Although I would love to send it to them, I won't. They probably wouldn't "get it," anyway!

HI Marilyn

My days are Saturdays. Today. 8:20pm. It is so hard to want to go out and do anything. Seems like I always look at the clock right around that time. I still cannot believe he is gone forever on the earth. I still just don't know why he had to go through all he did and die in such a tragic way. I just want him to come home like he was supposed to that night. I understand these difficult days and pray for strength for us all to get through them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNoLJy68ZcE&feature=youtube_gdata 

Hi Everyone. I heard this song by a couple of Canadian twins named Dani & Lizzy (2 girls). This song is so beautiful and the lyrics are so right on and from the heart. I am sharing the youtube link . Hope this works.

Thank you all for being  in my life-- happy friendship day to All the lovely people here... sending love , love and love to all.

Blessings to you all today.  May your day be gentler and kinder.

Speaking of birthdays I have always thought how some things we've done bring us questions of why afterwards.  For me, I always wonder why I made my son's cake that year.  He turned 41 (June 14) and I decided to make a chocolate cake from scratch for him as chocolate was a favorite of his.  I had never made a chocolate cake from scratch.  I remember him eating almost all of that cake himself and then one month later (July 14) he was gone.

Now when I think of that it gives me some comfort because I know I did it out of love and he knew that too.  SIGH........

Shelly, please don't leave.  I see the responses to your post about birthday cakes.  It even reminded me of my son's last birthday.

When I write without specifically responding to someone I always try to say 'Hi to all'.  I'm really sorry if you are feeling left out.  I can understand that.  I feel ignored at times too, but I think each one is focusing more on there own situation sometimes.

I didn't respond specifically to your post, but I always say that we need to do what we feel is right for us.  There is no right or wrong way.

I would not have anything for my son, but if his daughter is with us on that day she always wants to have a cake for her daddy.  I do it for her.  For me I wouldn't.

Living with Grief is just hard.

Shelley, please don't go , its really not that only some talk to certain people, just that sometimes there is a past conversation and we carry it on-- you are loved. I thought so much about what you had written about the cakes and recalled so many things i wanted to say.. then there is pain in saying some things and the need to organise one's thoughts, thats the only reason one may take time not because you are not thought about.. did u read about how i wrote wishing all here? so many times I want to respond to Dawn too and then I feel I need time to do it properly cos its always a heartfelt response-- so hugsss .. we all share your pain.. we are going through the same hellish loss:(

For any of you feeling like you are on this journey of grief alone, you are not.
All of us here know what it's like to cry, we know how it feels to talk to a urn or a tombstone, we know what it's like to ache for just one more minute.....just one more second with our child.......we are in this together.......
When you feel like you just can't get through on your own...reach out.

Hello to everyone...including Shelly... I understand the feeling of sometimes writing here to get support and feeling alone and ignored... I have felt it and I am guilty of reading and just trying to remain invisible and not write anything.   Somedays I feel OVERWHELMED by the pain we all are dealing with..... and I sometimes even avoid reading posts because I just can't go there with my own emotions.  I especially feel this way sometimes when dealing with other parents of Living disabled children... helping them and feeling like "I'm not in that fight anymore because my own child is now gone.... And Speaking of BIRTHDAY Cakes... I was just wishing a Happy 24th Birthday to a gal that was regular at Birthday parties and posted a picture of her... while searching the Old Photos... there was my Niles in the picture... never to have his birthday again.... I tear Up and try to click on.... It has been 4 years and about 3 Months....

Yesterday I sang at a wedding where the song was about taking a Slow Sweet walk up the Aisle and giving his daughter away and How it felt like to have her Mom hand her to Dad at birth.... tear up and choke again.... a walk I will never have or a dance or....... so somedays we just read and sit quietly.... Please hang in there Shelly.  And everyone else.... 

Omg you guys... I am so sorry I am a wreck. and I took it out on you all, please forgive me. I am going to delete my mess I wrote. again i am so sorry. 

Well... I have had a week of seeing a child who is now an adult with transition issues from school to a sheltered workshop... feeling for the mother then wanting to help...but worried about putting my heart in that place.... yet as my girlfriend said... It is already in that place.  The other folks having Weddings and birthdays... and any type of life "Milestone"... that I may never have had and for sure will not have with my son.  I guess I am feeling OLD too... all these young ones growing up to have birthdays and weddings....all of my kids are grown or dead... and I am never going to repeat having my life all over again... too old for more babies.... Do not want to be old enough for grandchildren.  Heck I am 51 with Night sweats... hot flashes.... and old....

yes... I read here a lot too..... some days though I just can't...

I was missing for a few days.  shelly I don't know what your apologizing for but I do know sometimes I'm angry at the world too.  It's ok!  I'm sure no one here is mad, we all know what it is your experiencing.  Never feel alone because we all feel you. 

I missed everyone is the past few days.  I had my annual BBQ and felt real guilty about it,  but it felt so good to be surrounded by family and friends.  We had the threat of a thunderstorm all day but it didn't happen.  At the end of the night there was a double rainbow.  Everyone quickly pointed it out and said it was my Michael letting me know he was there beside me. 

September is one year.  I'm already having anxiety.  I don't want it to come.  I want this month to go as slow as it can.  What do I do?

very very very difficult.... miss my son like hell--aug 2011 -- 13 to 20 he had come to visit from dubai-- we had a wonderful week-- he was there for the school celebrations for independence day and had said," u r on that stage so dont keep looking at me just cos i'm ur son".. so i studiously avoided looking his way... how i miss him...all the helpers commented on what a fine and yet humble a boy he was.. sept 28 is his b'day so he was one month short of being 27 in august 2011... it was a hilly area so he made me practice taking the car every evening on higher slopes...griining when i looked panic stricken at times... on 20th morng he had to leave at 5.30 am as thr was a 5 hour drive to benares from where i was.. i packed so much food -- had woken at 3.30 am to do that-- he said once at the airport i wont need all this, so y so much mummy?.. i said keep it and in case u dont need it give it to some poor person outside...as luck wd have it the flight was delayed by 10 hours on that day!!!! so every hour he would message with , " yummmm now the sandwiches r handy " n then, " rotis and potatoes really good" finally by 7 pm he messaged, " mummy now nothungry at all:" .. and i was so thakful i sent so much food with him... little did i know that was the last time i could cook for my darling boy... that morning..20th august , he said ,looks like it will b a while till we meet in May.. i said, 'don't worry-- we chat n can see each other every day so won't miss and i will be fine--don't worry abt me--just go n have a blast in mumbai n then dubai-- i kissed him onhis forehead--trying to hide my pain at his leaving.. n he trying to act ok.. waved him off wen he got into the car for the airport and thats that-- never saw him again... just gone in dec... 2011... how will i go on?:(

Unfortunately we all need this site! I have been avoiding even viewing posts lately just so I can try to kid myself into thinking that I'm not thinking about my son. I am always thinking and living this new, very sad and unfortunate hell we all are living. I miss him more and more everyday and I do not believe it will get any easier.

Blessings to all of you

Hi to all, I have no words today either.  Haven't been this low in quite awhile, but I'm hanging on to that cord of hope for a better tomorrow.  I know it will come.

I found something that I wrote about life before my son left us.  I've changed the wording to now fit our journey along this new path we are walking.  Hoping it may be of some help for understanding that you each need to do what feels right for you.  Especially to those of you that are new on this journey.  Love and blessings to all.

~Each one of us must make their own path through this journey of grief.  There are no self-help manuals, no formulas, no easy answers.  The right path for one may be the wrong path for another.  Our paths are not paved in smooth blacktop, nor brightly lit, and it has no direction signs.  It's just a rocky path through the wilderness.

No words of wisdom here, either. Looking forward to monthly meeting of  The Compassionate Friends tonight. Hope it is beneficial to all who attend.

Vasanthi I know how you feel the last time I saw my Michael he called and asked me to bring him medicine.  I wish I knew it would be the last time I would see him.

It seems we are all feeling "down", myself included. I miss my child so very much. I miss my best friend, my shopping partner, my fashion advisor, my constant companion. Danielle was my everything. I lost all my feelings when she left 8 months ago. They have never returned. I feel nothing, just pain.

Time goes on, but we do not.

I just want to be alone.

need to be alone too-- very very distressing ..nothing is working out

No matter what I'm feeling any given day (if I'm lucky enough to be feeling anything), I really count on all the posts I read here. I care for each of you and I'm sorry that our association has to be based on losing a precious child (or children).

I would also like some time alone some days.  Just feel like I would not have to put on my fake face.  :(

I have been reading a lot and will just share.  Don't know if it helps anyone or not but sometimes it helps me.  Of course other times it just makes me sadder.

~ Losing someone you love through death is painful and personal. You soon learn that grief can’t be confined to a method, time frame, or event; it’s a process.  Grief is an unpredictable, solitary and unforgettable experience, one that can’t be healed in a moment, a month, or even a lifetime.  Grief ebbs and flows, like the swelling waves of an ocean.  One moment we feel engulfed by a wave of sorrow, later we may be lifted by waves of hope and acceptance.  The tides of Grief certainly take us by surprise. ~

Be blessed everyone.  Sending hugs.

I understand wanting to be alone. I need to be alone for a while every day. Then I just don't have to worry about chit chatting or explaining how bad I feel or acting like I'm ok when I'm dying inside. I am so so sad today I just feel like I can't cope.

good morning...   Just Breathe.... some days that is all one can do

Thanks to all the posts-- keeps me going-- really appreciate the time everyone takes to share-- this group , I consider among my closest friends though brought together by such a tragedy, it is still made up of stalwart people--- love to all...we are 'work in progress' in God's workshop.

I'm afraid to be alone.  I seem to have my worst moments alone.