I wish I could somehow find the correct words to let you all know that what you are feeling is normal.  I read your comments and it brings me back to those moments that were constantly with me in the beginning.  Maybe even into the second year.  I really can't tell as my memory from then is faulty.  I sometimes think about the first month and try to remember what went on.  I get bits and pieces at different times and I do remember that when friends came to our home I went through motions and talked with them, but would have no idea later what we talked about.  It's like being on auto-pilot.  I remember once going to make coffee for company and when I went to do it I blanked out and just started crying.  My husband came over and I told him I couldn't remember how to make the coffee.  It was terrifying at the time.

I say these things so that you don't think you are not having normal feelings.  We kind of lose our minds in this grief.  Maybe it's our body's way of helping us.  I don't know.  I still think of so many things and my mind goes 100 miles an hour, but it's not as often.  

Sometimes I have a fear that I will forget too many things about my son and that scares me.  I know when my daughter will be telling me something and she asks if I remember it - I don't, but I'm happy that she has told me.  

As for sleep, some sleep more to escape and some sleep less.  I rarely get a full night's sleep since losing our son.  I am happy if I get 6 hours, but they are hardly ever straight.  I always wake during the night.  In the first year there were many nights I stayed up all night and even the next night could not sleep more than a couple of hours.  We all can have the same symptoms as some others and we also can have different ones.  It is just our own way of getting through ... and you will get through.  One day at a time, but probably for the rest of our lives.

(((((BUNDLES OF HUGS TO YOU ALL)))))

Io can sure relate to things described by other here. Some days I get so restless, but can't focus on doing anything productive. I bought a scrapbook shortly after Chris died and have a number of things to put in it, but I can't bring myself to do it. I have new photo frames to make of the family, but they sit on my dining room table with scattered pictures along with the scrapbook. I haven't been to the place I called my "sanctuary" to journal for a couple of months now. I don't understand all this. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, when I have to be my professional self (as a therapist), I do great. I function very well and you would never know of my recent loss. But then I'm exhausted the next day. This is quite a journey and I'd like to take a "vacation" from it.

I have trouble reconciling what I know as a Christian: that we were created ultimately to spend eternity with God, and what I feel as a mother: that a parent shouldn't outlive her children. We all know that death is inevitable, but we keep that knowledge as far from consciousness as we can. Losing a child had always been my biggest fear. I lost my mother when I was a child and that event paved the way for a belief that if I loved someone too much, then God would take them away from me, almost like a punishment. When I was raising my two kids, I lived with the constant fear that something bad would happen to one or both of them. Fortunately, my belief that God would jealously punish me for loving them changed over time. When the ultimate horror happened, I wasn't...surprisingly...angry at God. I don't understand why He didn't intervene and spare Chris, but I believe that one day I will. It's the not knowing now that is so hard. I found myself in bed last night telling God that I just don't know how to pray. It seems like so many of my prayers thus far in my life are for "favors," asking for help, etc., and thanking Him. I realized that I rarely just have a conversation with Him (which, admittedly, is hard when it feels like it's one-way!). I don't understand what all this means and I certainly don't understand why Chris had to die, especially so far from home, and why I didn't get to see him to say goodbye. I could drive myself totally crazy with all my questions. I want to trust and believe that my son is happy and that I will see him again. I couldn't handle believing otherwise.

Just having a rough time this week.  It's the 10th month mark.  Just feeling like how do I live without my Michael?  I want to go to the highest mountain and scream his name.  Please someone go to heaven and bring him home.  Tell him I need him. 

Oh how I would just love to be able to sit with all of you and give you loving assurance that we are going to be okay.  I have felt and still feel these things you speak of.  What I have learned (for myself) is to make myself stop thinking when the negative thoughts enter my mind.  eg:  Could I have done something? - Did I help cause his death? -  Why didn't I call him that day? - How could God allow this when I prayed so hard for him? - And the word 'NEVER' is pushed far back and away.  If we allow it, the negatives will take over.  It takes effort and practice but I have learned how to stop those thoughts most of the time and think of something to be thankful for and concentrate on praying for others.  Distraction works for me even if it's only temporary, but the time in between is getting longer.  Have hope and believe it will not always be as it is.  But would it be normal if we didn't feel this agony?  No, we must feel our loss, but we must continue to work through it.

I believe God understands each one of us.  He knows we are suffering.  He is listening and trying to comfort.  It's up to us to open ourselves up to Him again.  It's not easy, but I believe in time you will find that trust in Him again if you keep pursuing it.  I have found that I can find comfort in Him again and I had a very hard time praying after I lost my son.  I actually stopped for awhile as I saw no need for it if He wasn't going to answer the way I wanted, but we don't see the whole picture and I have to believe it will all be okay one day.  Not here, but in the hereafter.  Reading the Bible and inspirational books helped me to trust again.  I still complain to God and cry, but I know He doesn't judge me for that. 

Allow yourselves to grieve, but also take hold of whatever you can for getting through.   Sometimes it will be one day, one hour, or one minute at a time.  You are all beautiful women, mothers, and I know you will find your way just as I believe that I will find mine.

Sending much love and blessings to you all.

Ammy, u said we are mothers-- if the only child is taken away , I'm still a mother-- without a child?

Vasanthi,

I truly hurt for you.  I can't imagine the loss of an only child.  I only know the loss of my only son.

You will always be Shreyas ( Micky's) mother.  Nothing will ever change that.

    ♥

Ammy, thanks n hugss

Vasanthi, you are and always will be a mother! Just as I have two children, not one. It saddens me that you or anyone could feel stripped of that role because of a child's death. It's not like a divorce where you stop being someone's wife. You ARE Shreyas' mom and I am Christopher's mom. Sending loving thoughts.

Just saying hello to all. I visited my son's final resting place today :(

I go pretty often but today it was like I needed to confirm that I was really going to see my son's name engraved on the monument stone, I felt like a crazy person.....more than usual. I read his name over and over again, I felt so empty.  I kept thinking how much my son didn't belong there, I kept thinking about how he was laid there when he was only 21 yrs old, I kept thinking about all of his friends that are enjoying the summer. I kept thinking about how much he loved to swim and how good he was at it. I stood there struggling to grasp the idea of why I need to accept this, I kept thinking why is this a part of life....like everyone tries to convince me. I just want him back, I want this all to be a mistake. I want him to have another chance. If only HE could tell me that he is truly fine and that everything is ok, then I would be ok.

Thanks Marilyn, maybe he will.

lots of love and healing being sent ur way to all here .want to say so much and rt now I just read everything,  andfeel blessed to have such a wonderful group here.

Today is such a hard day. I am going along and BAM I can't believe he is gone. His girlfriend came by yesterday and showed me a video she had made about 4 days before he died. It was a funny video called "My boyfriend does my make-up".  It shows him so happy with her and his funny lovable self. It was both wonderful to see and of course a heartbreaking reminder of the beautiful person who is no longer here to laugh with. He was such a beautiful boy and how I miss holding those hands.  I love you Daniel forever and will miss you more every day. I pray for God's help in getting through one more day without you my sweet angel boy.

Vasanthi - I lost my only child as well and I just want you to believe that of course we are still mothers. We carried and birthed our children. Raised them with love. That will never die.Your child made you the person you are today - their Mom and all that teaches us in life. They will always be there guiding US now. Being a mom is my greatest joy and losing Daniel is my greatest sorrow. But I am and will always be his mom and so are you! I feel you pain - you are never alone. <3 <3

Connie, I'm so sorry you are having such a hard day.  I know we have all lost a part of us, but as I told Vasanthi, I can't imagine losing an only child.

I think it was special that you were able to see a video.  I know it can bring comfort and also pain.  There are days when I can watch them and be okay, and then there are the other days when they bring me low.  I hope you will be able to get a copy to keep for yourself.

Thinking of you and all the moms on here today.  Sending prayers.

Adrianne, I'm sorry I never comment to you on here.  I am not ignoring you, but I can't explain why exactly.  Maybe it's because I would like to help you and I can't?  I think I know what you are feeling.  I was very close to my son too.  Don't give up hope for improvement on this journey.  The first 2½ years were a constant twisting and turning of pain and emotions.

I am grateful that I have some better days more often, but I know this will be with me forever.  I just have to believe it will be a gentler journey or I would not be able to go on.  I also know there will still be stormy days as well.  How could there not be?  I still have them.  I just work through them one day at a time now.

I hope to hear from others that they are getting some relief.  I think it's so important for the newly grieved to know.  

I was blessed to connect with 2 moms early on that it had been years for them, and with their encouragement I believe it helped me through those days I don't wish to remember.

I always have a shoulder to lean on, to cry on, and to vent on for anyone that feels the need.  I may not be able to help in any way other than just by being there, but I am here.

Just know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

An update for those who know of my painful struggle to get my son's death certificate: my daughter-in-law and I have slowly started resuming communication. Last week she responded to my request and sent me a copy. Praise God! She wasn't the one withholding it, by the way. Long story, doesn't matter now.

Mary, thank you, my friend. Hugs back.

Marilyn, I understand how the adjusting to planning and doing things differently puts a strain on you.  Knowing he no longer has to suffer, but you missing the joy of his smiles and laughter is so bittersweet.  I hear you.  Hope you can have the good memories without too much sorrow.  Hugs.

Marilyn, I am so sorry for your pain. It is just so hard to get rid of their physical things. The only things I have been able to let go of are things to his best friends that I knew he want them to have. Everytime I just go through schoolwork I find little gems - an essay about something I would have never asked hm about. I can't even open his dresser except to get tee-shirts out to sleep with or wear. But your insights about him being free of all the medical things is true and there is some peace in knowing he is in no more pain or held by the restraints of this world. But is OUR pain we are left to deal with. I am so sorry you had to go through that but at least it is done and you have taken one more step through this ordeal and made it. And I believe you made Brandon proud by helping other people who need it. I just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel and that you are not alone even though it may feel that way. ((( )))

Marilyn that must have been very hard to do.   HUGS

Not my Michael, can't be Michael. Damn it NOT MY MICHAEL!!!!!!!!!!

WHY??????? Why after everything I've been through in life and after all the families I helped WHY would you let my Michael leave me.  I need him I can't breath without him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Please God let this be the longest worse nightmare I ever had.  let me wake up and call my Michael and tell him about this horrible nightmare!  Yes it's a bad day!

August 14 will be two years of missing Danny. I am heartbroken. I love you Danny.

http://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/video/daniel-my-son-you-will-alwa...

Its hard to read and harder to go through and am so sorry for everyone.

Four months ago today, my firstborn child, my only son passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. I am forever changed. I love you, Chris.

Shelley, You are in my thoughts and I pray that you will feel your child's presence in the only way a parent can-- in your heart. I pray that your heart is filled with love and lightness; Please do not worry about the future because it always turns out different from what we expect, so dont worry about the time when we all will be older etc-- The one who gives life has to take care of it also. Love to all here.

The hurt and pain has become unbearable for me. It will soon be 7 months since I lost my 25 yr old daughter to cancer. She was ill for 7 years. I was her sole caregiver. I live in constant, unrelenting pain. I tell no one how I'm feeling because no one can understand. I have isolated myself because it's easier. There is no cure for this loss. Not sure how I am supposed to go on. I beg for death. Life has no meaning for me anymore. My daughter was my life, my constant companion, my very best friend. We spent every hour together. I am unable to function without her and have no desire to do anything. I lived for her. I have no desire to live without her. I have read everything I can, I have seen a grief counsellor (he yawned, he forgot my appt, and double booked me)! I am trying to find someone to help me but we live in a very small town and do not have the resources that a bigger city might have. I am slowly realizing that this will be with me for the rest of my life. I am so lost. I am desperate. I hurt too much.

Thinking of all of you so much!    Sending you all much love-   I know I do not come on here as often as I should & I am sorry for that-   I just worry about you all hearing from a destroyed mom past the 5yr mark still struggling so deeply......   Love to everyone -  hugggssss

Jane, your recent post scares me. The intense desperation you speak of makes me wonder if you're feeling suicidal. Please don't do that. Your daughter fought her illness for 7 years. I can't presume to know her, but I doubt very sincerely that she would want you to give up on life, especially when she fought so hard for her own. I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences with your grief therapist. But keep reaching out for help. If you want to talk privately let me know.

Nope, no real peace. Just awful memories and short respites.

My first grandchild is being born now and all I can think of is Danny. I should be happy, but I am sad.

Shelley, you know that there are no judgments here. We all have feelings that we wouldn't share anywhere else. I believe we wish other people could truly understand what it feels like to be in our shoes.

Dick, what a bittersweet time this must be for you. I hope when the baby is born, you will feel some joy, despite your tremendous sorrow. Peace to you.

Jane, where and how are you???

Thanks Marilyn!  -    Hugsss

Dick,    Gosh -- I get your feelings -  not a grandbaby -  but, Son & Daughters - engagement's, college grad, new job---  Am am truly happy for my other kids of course but, I realllllyyyy struggle too - How can all this happen without our Bradley???    I do not know how to get thru celebrations when I'm dead inside.  

I have been sick to my stomach all day...probably nerves. I just don't feel very well, malaise. I am sure it is the stress of 2 years without Danny and a grandchild. I am feeling overwhelmed and not sure what I should be feeling.

Michelle, I am here. I am trying to claw my way out. I know I'm in trouble. I called for professional help but have not received a return call as yet. I need help. I thought I could do this on my own but realize I cannot. I have been slipping into depressions that immobilize me for days at a time. Thank you for caring. How are you?

Dick, I feel your pain. I'm sure we all do. I wish I had answers for all of us, but we know the answer we need is no longer with us. How we are all supposed to live "like this" is beyond me.

Karen, I did not realize you started this group. Thank you for doing that. This is the only place I have shared any of my feelings. I know I need to talk, but I cannot for some reason. How are you?

There are no magic answers.

It is what it is.

A cold, harsh, very painful reality.

We loved our children with all our hearts.

Now we must find a way to live with broken hearts.

That is my hope for all of us.

Jane, the reason many of us can't talk is that no one has answers. I take solace in the fact, that like you put it so well, we loved with all our hearts and that is all we can ever do. Do not think of your child as 'not there', think instead that all-ways there. I try to keep peace and send love to my darling son, it feels like a 'pure' substitute to being able to talk and to see and to communicate as we normally do, but maybe it is more real. I feel your pain and all the others here like its my own and in so many ways it is. I also feel overwhelmed as to how does one deal with such realities. Marilyn once said ,' our lives as we know it is changed forever' and we will help each other and take help.Love to all here .

Dick, fortunately, there are no "shoulds" regarding our feelings. Whatever they are, is what they are and that's OK, unless we are considering harm to ourselves or someone else. So many of us seem to be plagued with self-recrimination for something we did or didn't do, said or didn't say. I think it's all part of trying to make sense out of something that is incomprehensible. As parents, we have such high expectations for being able to protect our kids and fix their problems that we feel like we failed when we couldn't protect them from the ultimate "problem." Even when our kids were fully grown. Self-blame only adds to our already excruciating pain and we don't need any more than we already have.

youcJane, untiluntil

Jane, until you're able to connect with a professional, remember you can call a crisis hotline any hour of the day to talk to simeone. Also, my offer stands if you want to talk by phone. Message me and I'll give you my number.

Mary, yes I have experienced people not wanting to be around me. sometimes I think they believe what happened to me is contagious. And I told you how my best friend dropped me because I expressed my disappointment that she didn't come to Chris' funeral. Just when we need the support of people the most they seem to pull away. Fortunately, two of my closest girlfriends have just been amazing in the support they show me. One of them lost her own son 17 years ago when he was a 19 year old college freshman. She really understand what I'm going through because she's been through it herself. My husband has been great. We've been married for 19 months and he's not Chris' father, but he was widowed 3 years ago so he is no stranger to grief. Most other people just seem to be uncomfortable around a mother and son has died.