Marilyn - AMEN! My faith is stronger now for the same reasons as you stated. Faith is not about religion, just the belief that there is something greater than ourselves. Something we are a part of, that we came from and will return to. As life goes on we become so entrenched in the physical life that we often lose "sight" of that which we can't see. But we don't see love, we feel it. Energy just changes form, it never goes away. And I truly believe that our consciousness lives on. And these magical occurrences are gifts given to you by Spirit, to let you know that your Brandon is still around.  If our hearts stay open, we can feel it.

Now that's not to say I am not in profound pain almost all the time and this belief doesn't make it go away. It just gives me courage to continue this life and hope I make my son proud. And I am angry about so many things but all it does is make me feel worse and doesn't change anything. So I try to change from within. It's all we have control over. Peace to all of you.

I feel like that too. In fact everyday I feel like there is the time I can give to others, do my work, then there has to be time to be alone so I can cry or scream if I want. In grief, it seems that you really need that time alone to have the release you need to have so you can make it through the rest of the day. It also makes me so tired all of the time. It's hard to keep the energy up that you need to be around others. Do whatever it is you feel you need to, to deal with all of these "strange combination of things". I am sorry you are feeling so bad. It is a hard road we walk.

I am new here but I have been reading some of your posts for awhile now. It has made me realize that maybe I'm not going crazy after all. I lost my 32 year old daughter, Lisa, in October of 2012, to a sudden heart attack. I gave her CPR for 20 minutes before the EMT's got there, but it was too late. I lost my little girl. She left 4 children, ages 3, 8, 10, and 12. She died on her 8 year old daughter's birthday. Her ex has the older 3 and we adopted her youngest son. I have had so much anger and depression in the past 8 months, and instead of getting better, it seems to be getting worse. I'm not suicidal, but I also beg for God to take me, too. I was born with one kidney and had 5 miscarriages before I had Lisa. The doctors kept telling me to quit trying because I could never carry a baby to term, but I was determined and Lisa was my miracle. She was the only child I could ever have and she was everything to me. I feel like I'm just existing, not living. Reading your posts is comforting because it lets me know I am not alone. We each have our own horror stories of loss. I feel for each and every one of you.

Dawn,

What a beautiful name you have and I'm sure it will be symbolic in your life too. We are all going through very trying times and my heart goes out to all of us here. None planned to be here but without a doubt all are there for you, whenever you need and more. You will be in my prayers. God bless you.

Dawn find comfort in the children Lisa left for you to love.  That one child you struggled to have gave you 4 beautiful grandchildren to love. 

Dawn and Mary you give me hope.  My Michael didn't have kids when he passed and my daughter has medical challenges and was told most likely she will never have a child. 

Does anyone have a comment or opinion about "medians"?

Dawn, I am so sorry for your loss of your precious daughter. My son also died very suddenly and unexpectedly of a massive heart attack while on a cruise with his wife. It seems so many...TOO many...young people are dying from heart attacks. It seems so senseless and confusing.

How sad for all her children, but especially the 8 year old whose birthday will forever be linked with mom's death. (My mother died 3 days before my 13th and was buried on my birthday.) Prayers for all of you!

Teresa -  I have a trusted gifted meditation teacher who is a psychic medium. It has been an important help and counsel to me through my grief of losing my only child this year. He was 17. Just make sure who you see is very reputable and gives you validation that their readings are true. A True medium will channel messages that only you and you're departed loved one could know. It helps me when I really need an answer that I can only get from Daniel. Peace.

Don't Tell Me
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday

Shelley, this says it all. 

Shelley, that was amazing. Did you write that yourself? It really does speak for how we feel, whether it be a son or a daughter that we lost. Thank you so much for sharing that with us.

What a beautiful picture and poem. It is so hard to talk to people who have no idea how you feel, but it's even worse when they never mention my daughter, as if she never existed.

Yes Dawn, that feels awful when people skirt around the issue. It is cos they don't know what and how to talk about it. Its ok.

You bet! It has happened to me several times throughout my journey. I would get sick in my stomach, but the Drs. here thought it was all in my head. They sent me away so I talked to my mental health guy and he sent me to a surgeon and I was in surgery right away. I had gotten a hernia in two places and it was choking off other organs. It took a few times of getting the run around from regular Drs. till the surgeon told me what was wrong and to just come to him when I'm in trouble. I have had several hernias since then. I think grief wears down your body physically.

Grief totally does wreak havoc on the body. Since Chris died in March, I have had to go on blood pressure medication and Donnatal for stomach and abdominal pain and other GI issues. I clench my teeth more than ever and I'm constantly in the dentist's office.

Hello to all, just wanted everyone to that I've reading your posts but it's been very difficult for me to participate. I'm very grateful for you all and my membership to this group but sometimes I feel overwhelmed that I am a member of such a group as this. My heart is with you all.

Trauma and stress can cause illness and body pains that a doctor can not document or find reason for.  This is not in our minds but very real for many people, including myself, who experience trauma.

Karen sometimes I feel the same way.  I look at my son's picture and then find myself asking, "How the hell did he get on here?"  It's just so surreal. But I return because as sad as it can be it let's me know I'm ok.  This site lets me know that I'm not alone in what I am experiencing. I also feel those down the road further then myself are preparing me for what is to come.  Good or bad.  I'm also looking for tools others use to be able to handle it. 

I haven't gotten this figured out yet, but I'm trying.  Somehow I will honor his life instead of crying over his death. I'm not there yet but I'm fighting and trying. 

Same here Karen, I read and i retreat...was also thinking how people who have not had crushing sorrow at some time or the other in their lives, do not really understand . You do not get over this like one gets over a loss, like loss of house, job, relationship, because one can get over loss but how do you get over Love? Love - the most sacred and beautiful remains.

Yes, Vasanthi, I totally understand. This is so hard. Life's distractions get me through each day.

I feel like I'm incapable of comprehending that my son actually died. I never saw him deceased, his side of the family wasn't involved in or even mentioned at his funeral, and his grave is in a cemetery probably 175 miles from where I live. How can I grieve if I can't feel? I'm going about my life as if this tragedy didn't happen. Only rarely does a tiny bit of reality creep in. Everything is a blur from those first couple of months.

Dear Michelle, I feel so scared for you because you had some special things taken from you. I didn't get to see my little boy, but I held his body in a bag, which was bad enough, but not getting to have any connection doesn't sound good to me. I am so sorry that happened to you. I am also so sad that he's buried so far from you. We are here for you!

Anne, thank you for your kindness and compassion. I hope I didn't mislead anyone. I was at my son's funeral, but the in-laws chose not to mention that Chris had parents or a sister. It added to the pain and made it feel even more surreal.

Anne, thank you for your kindness and compassion. I hope I didn't mislead anyone. I was at my son's funeral, but the in-laws chose not to mention that Chris had parents or a sister. It added to the pain and made it feel even more surreal.

Hello Michelle, sorry for your extra pain that none of us need. On the contrary, my son's final resting place is a little under a mile from where I live, so I can't imagine it being 175 miles away. Listen , no one can judge, we all may have different coping skills.  I find myself at times trying to convince myself that nothing ever happened. My youngest son has done just that, he pretends that his brother is "away" somewhere that he can't communicate or go visit him. I don't press him on it, I leave him be, he was 14 yrs old when it happened and now he's 18 and he's still doing it, that's how he copes.

You did not miss lead. It sounds like they didn't even include you, and you are his mother. That's cruel. Sometimes others don't think or care about your feelings. I had a friend get angry with me because I didn't spend enough time with her at my sons funeral. She became very mean. Needless to say we are not friends anymore. Certainly don't need to be around people like that. Maybe you can talk to them and ask them why they didn't include you? It's a hard thing to deal with.

My daughters cope by acting like the boys were never here. I don't know how to deal with that. When I am with my daughters I'm not allowed to talk about the boys at all. It's very difficult. Maybe someday it will change.

Anne, I lost my best friend because I told her I was hurt that she didn't come to my son's funeral or the mass that was held several weeks afterwards. I "get" that she might not have wanted to travel to the funeral out of town, but the memorial mass was probably 5 miles from where she lives. She felt I was too demanding of the friendship and ended it. All I wanted was the support of the person I had considered my dear friend. I learned not to express my feelings to anyone after that.

As for the in-laws and not mentioning me, my "ex-husband,or our daughter, the mother-in-law told my current husband at the funeral luncheon that they intentionally didn't mention Chris' family because they wanted to focus on my sin's life down there because he was respected in their community.

Obviously, that was supposed to say "son," not "sin!"

Today is Wednesday, the day our son left us, and it's exactly 156 weeks, which to me is the 3 year mark.  Not really the 14th, but that is the date most go by.  I have counted the weeks every week for these 3 years, but I have told myself that I am now going to stop.  Maybe this is another sign that I am healing some more. Not sure, but will see.  I have been okay so far today as for breaking down, but I can't stop thinking about him.  I'm sure that is normal too.  I still think of him every day, but not constantly anymore.  I tell myself this is good.  Maybe some of the anxiety will lessen even more and I will be able to breathe normally.  

I love you Charles.  You are forever in my heart.   ♥

Ammy, it's good to see you posting on here again. Your many postings and kindness when I first became a member three and a half months ago really helped me in those early days. I fully understand what it's like to look at one particular day of the week as being very different from the others. In your case it's Wednesday. In mine it's Thursday. I am pleased for you that you feel you are making progress and it gives me hope for the rest of us whose grief is newer. I'm sorry you have had to be without your son for 3 years now. It's a pain like no other, even though most of the time I don't really comprehend what has happened. I guess that's just the body"s and spirit's way of protecting itself. T You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Wow Michelle, i'm so sad you had to deal with that. Sometimes even those who are "family" can be the cruelest of all. I had a mother, father, 4 sisters, and 1 brother. Many aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, and not a one showed up for my son Bens funeral. Even though I also had my daughter in the ICU not sure if she would make it either. Not a one. so I kinda know how you feel. We'll be alright. I think that's just one more thing they will have to answer for. Being angry with my family seemed to only hurt me, so I had to let it go, but I will never forget. I only see them now once every few years.

Ammy, Good for you! Every step, big or little toward survival is a good thing. I'm pretty sure your Charles is very proud of you too!

Anne, it seems beyond comprehension that so many of your close family members didn't attend your son's funeral. I am so, so sorry that you had to experience that. Your own parents?! What reason did they give for not being there to support you?

Adrianne, I agree a part of me died with my Michael.  I'm not the same and can't imagine ever being the same again.

Two of my sons friends just recently contacted me and want to meet with me.  I had to ask them to give me time to be able to handle it. it's nice to know they are still thinking of him. I don't know what to expect from it.  I know many miss him but none will ever miss him more then me, his momma.

Marilyn, that's such an awesome sign from Brandon, wishing both of you a Happy Birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARILYN! Brandon gave you a beautiful gift!

Mary and Marilyn and other grievers, I think what you describe is the neverending rollercoaster ride that is going to be part of our life journey until we can be reunited with our loved ones in heaven. The price of great love is the sorrow we feel when our child can no longer be seen, heard, or felt in the way we want them. As parents, our child's death is the one thing we can't fix. And it's always a parent's greatest fear from the moment they enter the world and take their first breath. God help us all through this pain

Nicely written Michelle

I need your help. On fri. my husband got a letter from the DR. saying he had a tumor on his lung. Now I know not to freak out but I would appreciate you prayers. He goes in on Mon. for a CT scan and we'll know more next week.

Anne and Mary, prayers and hope for your personal needs right now. You have endured so much already. I pray that God hears your requests and spares you more trials. Peace to you and your loved ones.

Anne and hubby, Marilyn, Adrianne,Ammy,Michelle, Mary, you are all in my thoughts everyday and in my prayers. Had a particularly difficult day, unable to accept that I wont be able to see, touch, talk to, joke around, care for, enjoy ,my son , shreyas( micky)  anymore. It feels like the most painful thing to be ripped away of his presence in my life. Even going about everyday routine and having the mind occupied is only one more way of denial but I can't do more to keep myself 'balanced'.I badly want to be with him as we always were. Not because I'm hanging on to the past but because we were in the present and moving quite happily towards a full future. In fact now its alike a break in the moving ahead process, because I keep bringing back memories of the past all the time which I didn't do then!And when the present impinges on that and I live in the present, after a while I feel guilty for not thinking about him at that time, which means now I can't enjoy either the past or the present!! Any thoughts on this? need help.Tears always threatening to spill over at any moment--ughhh what a way to live!

Vasanthi, you are so kind and compassionate to be praying for all of us. Know, too, that you are in ours as well. What you describe is so well known to each of us. I think we are given those hours or days of respite from the intensity of our pain and the full realization of our loss to keep us from going crazy. Maybe being stuck between the past and the present is the new normal we have to adjust to. I just don't know...

Michelle thanks..just knowing that you all are there helps but dont know how to be ok:(

I know, Vasanthi. It is hard to know how to be OK or even know what OK means.

Mary, it's frustrating, isn't it, to be forgetful or feel disconnected from life? I feel so "spacy" at times, and I used to be a pretty coherent person. Our whole world has been rocked; I guess it's "normal" to be disoriented...

Mary maybe he did already.  Maybe it was him that led you there. 

Vasanthi, I find myself feeling guilty when I catch myself enjoying a moment.  As soon as I realize I'm enjoying it I then realize my Michael is not here to enjoy it. 

I try really hard to remember the good times without crying but I haven't reached that place yet. 

I too feel very stuck.  It's like the world is going on without me.  I'm functioning everyday but I'm not living.  The last 10 months feel like a blur.  It feels as though no time has passed at all. 

I pray everyday asking Michael and God to help me find my way cause right now I am very lost and scared. 

Yes Teresa, a lot of things frighten me too. I used to be very optimistic and am trying hard to somehow get unstuck but I know this will take a lot of working on.Just knowing that all here are also struggling and trying so hard gives me hope and I am trying to keep in mind that all that God does has to be fine and good. .

Mary, all are with you.It is hard. I see people who have lost loved ones long ago, still struggling and yet what surprises me is the inattention given to one who is bereaved recently!!!If not inattention, it is the focusing on themselves rather than the one who has lost?I had a friend who on hearing about my son went on to tell me how much she cried and how scared she was since she had a daughter!!!I mumbled something about testing times and an opportunity for growth( as I was in a stunned frame of mind then) she asked me if i was mad! needless to say i have not ever been in touch with her again.Its hard to be understood.. I can scarcely understand myself any more.But from the bottom of my heart i understand the struggles of all who are here and can only pray that somehow one finds peace.Today has also been a time I have again missed Shreyas totally. I have observed that when external things scare me or unnerve me , whatever it is, even something as small as dissonance about someones behavior i yearn for my son..he represents to me everything that is good and normal and kind and wise... he represents the joy in my life.. and that has been taken away.